Kris Attfield is the author of three books: The Book of Finch, Letters to Whomever, The Eagle's Sore: A Novella and Pfhonge, The Inter-Continental Brink of Madness, Air Defence, Doorless Darts and Blaine Bananatree - a bunch of video games.
Article - Why I think I won’t ever get married
16 April 2013
I just thought I’d list for you interested readers the reasons why I think I won’t ever get married:::
1) I don’t know how to date. No clue about asking girls, no clue identifying which ones aren’t already taken, no clue about the actual date itself — dating is impossible.
2) Even if I did date, I would have to meet her parents, and I have really bad memories of the parents of a girl I was befriending. It can hurt so bad that there’s no real point in making the attempt.
3) I masturbate so much that I suppose my blessings were taken away – as punishment for my masturbation, I lost my blessings which means I won’t be getting married. Yup — I masturbate so much that I can’t have an actual woman.
- I know I made a deal with God where in exchange for exaltation (which entails marriage) I’d serve God for the rest of my life, but there are reasons why this wont work like my bishop figured it was a deal with the devil, and I can’t really serve if I don’t know how to properly identify the holy ghost which brings me to my next point:
4) I am apparently unable to properly identify the holy ghost – which means I am crazy and therefore with my craziness I really shouldn’t attempt making babies.
There may be more reasons than just these four, but these four are the most prominent reasons on my mind, so I’ll let it be with this for now.
ADDITIONAL 25 August 2015::
Another reason why I'll probably never marry:::
Despite having released numerous books and video games throughout the past few years, people don't pay me. Lots of people have seen my work, but whoever has the money to pay me with doesn't pay me. So, I can't afford to marry. I just don't have the money.