Friday, July 3, 2020

Am I Hallucinating?

I'm supposedly on a strong anti-psychotic ---- I have been for the past 10 years ------


But some weird stuff has happened, and there's enough of it that I just thought I'd mention it here.


SO::::


Yesterday afternoon I went for a drive to do some shopping with my parents.

In part of the drive, my Dad complained that there was absolutely no reason that this one vehicle should have been driving on our side of the road in the opposite direction.

That vehicle did go back to its own side of the road --- and there were no accidents ----

but that incident immediately started me thinking about that old Dumb Laws website that used to exist on the internet.

I thought about these supposed laws that said if you had the right kind of red light or whatever on the front of your vehicle, that you would then be legally allowed to drive on the wrong side of the street.

The laws in those places were something like that. Something about having proper luminescent indication that you can drive on the wrong side and still be legal.


Well, I was just thinking about that for a moment, but very shortly after we reached an intersection where we stopped at a red light.


And I saw the weirdest thing::: the car across the intersection from us::: the left flasher was a red light ------- it was the weirdest thing as if what I was thinking in that moment came exactly true.

I just thought about that sort of "dumb laws" thing for a moment and immediately after I found our vehicle stopped at an intersection with a vehicle with a red left flasher on the other side.


Yeah ---- I definitely made a mental note of that, but didn't think it was enough to post about on its own.


Last night I made a post on LBRY talking about some history in my life that doesn't really make any sense -------  in my logical mind the situation was kind of nonsense, and I thought I'd talk a bit about it. It's ancient history, but it's in my life's history so I'd thought I'd talk about it. It's the part where I'm wrong no matter what side of the argument I take. The pro church argument was wrong and so was the anti church argument. I'm wrong on both sides of the argument. I talked about that for a bit, just because it was on my mind.


Then I lay in bed last night, watching some Youtube on my iPad.


I heard a banging noise upstairs, I wasn't sure if it was the door or someone doing something upstairs ------ I've had situations in my life previously where such noises could have been either.



But this morning I woke up and asked my parents about the banging noise. They had no idea what I was talking about.


Last night I could hear my brother walking around upstairs, so I just assumed that since he didn't go get the door that it was my parents or something --------- but both my parents have no idea about any banging noises ---- right now at least.


I'm confused. Was I hallucinating? I'm supposedly on anti-psychotics ------ but this is just getting weird when I'm seeing things that resemble my thoughts from just moments ago and there's a banging noise that only I seem to have heard. And no one went to the door.


The last strange thing I want to mention is this::::::


This morning I thought I'd order some accessories for my upstairs guitar from Amazon ----- but Amazon isn't letting me put items in my shopping cart right now.


It's either some kind of bug with the website I'm thinking now -------


Or, my paranoid mind might suspect that Amazon was watching me on LBRY and didn't like what I was saying or something about all that confusing stuff.


Right now I'll chalk it up to a  bug with their website or servers or whatever ----- but if the problem persists than I guess I'll just have to accept that something is really, really wrong with me.


Having thoughts about situations that don't make any sense.

Seeing something that doesn't make any sense.

Hearing something supposedly no one else heard.



Am I psychotic right now? Am I hallucinating? What is real?


I'm supposedly on my meds, an injection, but yeah, things have just been strange enough to write a blog post about it.



Seeing a strange thing you never see ----- and yet what I saw was directly related to my thoughts moments earlier ----------

Hearing something no one else responded to and no one else seems to have heard it either --------

and bringing up an old situation from my life that didn't make a whole lot of sense either way ----



Maybe I've been hallucinating. Maybe, am I psychotic right now or in the past few moments?



Just weird. Should I visit the hospital? I'll have to tell my parents about those thoughts and ask my parents what they think.


Of course, I would hope to maintain my freedom ----- but I can't deny this is a couple strange things in the short period of time and something is just weird.


If these questions somehow get answered --- such as my Dad saw it too or my brother remembers last night ------ then I can't help but suspect I might delete this post --------


But then again, if I'm hallucinating I wonder if I should visit the hospital.




I'll note finally that I used to exchange emails with an old friend of mine.


Over the years, I'd think I thought I remember what she said in those emails --- but when I looked up those emails in my records and re-read what she said ----- it's as if her written words had CHANGED.


As if someone hacked the email server and changed what she said.



And then there's that book The Miracle of Forgiveness which magically says something different than what I originally read ---- as if someone switched out my copy of the book with a different edition.




Maybe I really am schizophrenic, or maybe it's all just magical ------ but it's definitely something to talk to the doctor about.



UPDATE:::::


Well, that's unexpected.


I reiterated the banging noises and right light flasher stories to my father a moment ago -

He did not remember the noise and nor did he remember the red light flasher ----

I told him I figured I might be hallucinating -----

and something completely unexpected happened::::

He told me that I'm probably NOT hallucinating. Or something like that.

He expressed, in some way that I wasn't hallucinating, even though for years he was telling me I was ill and this situation doesn't make sense to even me ----

Well, I'm obviously confused now. Yup. Might be a sign of psychosis.

But yeah ----- I figure I might be hallucinating, and my Dad takes an opposite viewpoint essentially.

Now, this is just weird. I do not understand.



He figures that what I saw may have been real and that he just didn't notice.


But it's so strange that I was thinking about it moments before I saw it.


Who knows.


FURTHERMORE::::::


So I had a family member try to add the items I wanted to their Amazon shopping cart.

Didn't work for them either.

I'm leaning towards this being a server problem or error now ------- it seems unlikely that Amazon just doesn't like my whole family anymore.


I asked my Mom if she remembered the incident with the vehicle in our lane ----- she didn't. No hope there.


And then I realized that if someone had been at the door, they should've rung the doorbell. Which they didn't.

So who knows what that was.


Maybe it's a false alarm ----- but there was enough weirdness between yesterday and today that I just felt I had to write a post about it.

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