Monday, May 11, 2020

Self-Sabotage

Youtube recommended a video to me, I watched it, and it set off a series of thoughts in my head.

It was a Psych2Go video that explained something like 7 Signs that I Sabotage myself.

Am I sabotaging myself?

Some of the points seemed comparable to my life.

But these days I sum up my "lack of success" just to the government taking everything I earn and then redistributing it.

It's either that or figuring out that people typically don't have money to spend on me.


I started thinking about the money I do have.

I have some money to do something with my life. I have enough to do SOMETHING.

I then thought:::: what is it I really want to do?


I settled on this idea that I want to buy myself my ultimate computer which will likely last at least 10 years (my current main computer has lasted 7 years, and now it is showing signs of being old) and when I get this computer, I plan on developing another video game.


I thought about how I could engage in a fantasy of finally taking Avril Lavigne for myself.


The thing is:::: over the years, I have personally seen Avril Lavigne in person several times within my vicinity.


She's been at my front door, in the community, at the hospital, at an exercise place most recently ---- I see her at these places ----- and then I realize:::: I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I also realize that I might just be hallucinating.


Yup. It's a big problem with me ------- it is so unexpected to see Avril Lavigne directly near me at any time, so I often just suspect I'm hallucinating at those times.


Heck ---- Avril has been to my psychiatric clinic before ----- but later I was told she's never actually been there.


This is so confusing ---- it's like I really am hallucinating. I have no idea what I'm doing.


When it comes to love and relationships, she's the girl I would be interested in I think.


I'm mostly not interested in women anymore, and if I do have any personal interest --- it's Avril.


But I really have no idea what I'm doing. And I think I'm just hallucinating when I do see her.


So::::: Who knows if I'll ever get closer to Avril someday ---------



But what my real plans are is to build a video game on a nice new awesome computer.



And yeah ------ I already know I'm not about to get paid for it. Of course, I'll try to sell it for like $3 --- but I have every idea, in accordance with experience, that getting paid is probably not going to happen.


Who knows how many things can go wrong in the realm of trying to sell something ---- I personally just say the government takes it if I do make anything. There are other possibilities, but I think the government makes the best scapegoat at this point. It's one explanation that actually makes sense, and it even has a chance of being true I think.

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