Sunday, May 31, 2020

An Email

A day or two ago I checked my SPAM Inbox and found an email talking about investing or investment money or something.

Such things often seem unreal, and my family is paranoid enough that we wouldn't believe in such things.

I personally feel peaceful about the idea of investment ---- but I don't know why.

I have my own project I'd like to work on, while at the same time wanting to help my sister with her project.

And AiSH Disability income is limited.

If there were really any investors in our family's efforts, I would have to warn that our mental health issues can be pretty bad.

As a child, my sister was probably one of my worst enemies. However, now as an adult, she's really impressive. So, I'm liking her more now.

But apart from her, my family has a long way to go before being reasonably healthy.

I would like to talk about my family's issues to give a better picture, but I don't feel I should.

I should just keep my family's issues to myself I think.

But yeah ---- there are reasons why investing in my family's efforts would be risky.

We do appear to be getting better over time, but it's a painfully slow process.

Personally, I may be receiving treatment and I may be improving so much -------

But until Jesus comes and physically heals me with his miraculous powers, I think even I will always be disabled.

I'm improving, and I'm getting better --- but part of my problem would pretty much require a miraculous healing to solve. I think so at least.

Tuesday, May 26, 2020


I'm sitting here thinking about my options.

One part of my mind says:

Whatever the case is with sales or garnishing --- I simply don't make very much after all the work I've done. I might actually be richer just to retire.

Another part of me would kind of like to see the video game idea I have built -----

but the simple fact is that I'm not an expert or pro, I'm not an artist, and I may either do a really bad job, or I'll be spending all kinds of money for someone else's help.

I might actually be better off, I might actually be richer, to just retire. I might be better off to not work.

Working would cost money, especially as people don't seem to pay me for my products, so maybe I should just "retire".

I feel like I've accomplished pretty much or almost all the things I would want to do in my life besides buy my own home.

My chances of buying my own home are higher if I just save my money rather than spending money on projects which won't pay.

I've got time to think about it, it' all "up in the air" ----- I'm just blogging about what the different factors are in these things.

Yesterday I thought I'd build the game again, but today I feel myself leaning towards "retiring".

In order to really get somewhere, I would need more cooperation from people.

And, experience says cooperation is a difficult thing to find in a lot of cases.

So maybe I should just retire and live with what I have now.

Monday, May 25, 2020

Trying to Figure Out my Plans

I'm trying to figure out exactly what I should be doing in my future.

A few of the factors involved with this are:

1) If people actually buy my games or not.

2) If the government may or may not be garnishing or taking what I earn.

3) Whether or not I will or will not need or someday have to help my Sister with what she's doing.

Looking at my situation ---- I'll just say that I could just "retire" if I had to or wanted to.

But, getting bored is no good, so doing things is fun.

Am I going to help my Sister with her project?

Or am I going to build a video game?

My Sister isn't committal that I will or will not help her ----- and neither are the video game sales a thing I really see going on (unless the government garnishes me) -------- so making a decision between the two is difficult.

The good news is that apparently, Mixamo is a very low-cost service --- as such making a video game becomes more possible for me.

Yes ----- I have an idea for a video game. It's just an idea ---- it would be something to do, which would probably be good.

If it's expensive, I wouldn't want to proceed. But Mixamo is cheap so maybe I have a chance.

It's just a matter of deciding what to do with finite resources, and not having all the information available to do so.

It's just really good news that Mixamo is so cheap ---- because that may help me go a long way to actually doing something again.

If Mixamo was pricey, that would be a big limiting factor.

Of course, none of this will happen right away ---- I plan on going into a bit of debt and then recovering from that debt over a bit of time.

None of this is immediate planning and I have lots of time to decide.

Off the top of my head ----- I'd say since my Sister initially rejected me and doesn't plan on needing my help, and since I have the resources, building a new video game (at my level of ability) is a possibility.

Getting paid would be nice, but it's also true that money is not too important these days. Money is sort of important ------- but I'm just going with an idea of Christian Ideology that money shouldn't exist, and is therefore not the be-all and end-all of existence.

Maybe I will try to build a game ----- and if my sister does need my help down the road, then she'll just have to kick herself for rejecting me for so long.

On a side note::::: I was thinking today about how accomplishing certain things in life always requires cooperation from a 3rd party.

Driving a car, living in a house ------- these are two activities that are nearly impossible to do all by yourself which almost always require some number of cooperative third parties to be involved.

Even though doing certain things in life require cooperation, for some reason my Sister repetitively refused to cooperate with me ever since she was very young ---- and even to this day she refuses my help/cooperating with me.

All the great and nice things we'd like to do with our lives require cooperation of any number of individuals.

So I'm just thinking about how it's a shame that so much I experienced growing up was defective behaviours in individuals ------- all those defective behaviours resulted in not-good things happening.

Yeah. Cooperation is pretty much essential to accomplish things, but even to this day my sister refuses my help or essentially refuses to cooperate with me.

It's no wonder things went so poorly for me when I was at an age to start my adult life.

Defective behaviours don't accomplish anything good.

People need to cooperate with each other in order to get good results.

So yeah::: it's just such a pity how defective people were in my childhood.

Can't we live in harmony?

My sister has a project she's working on, a goal to work towards.

I like what she's doing and yesterday I offered my help to help her with what she's doing.

She rejected me initially.

Then a little while later after some thought she came back and still rejected me, but said maybe I could help if the need for it ever comes up.

One of the things I think the church was going for in families was some level of peace and harmony in family operations.

Families are supposed to be teams that work together.

Unfortunately, for a long time, and even to this day, my family may be getting by (things were bad, but they've gotten better over time) but we're still not in a state of being perfectly harmonious and having common goals and working together.

I have a book about business that says most businesses are small businesses, and most small businesses basically just hire family members.

Unfortunately, my family is not at that level yet --- not at the level to really run a family business with family working in the business.

We are STILL, more or less, "too dysfunctional".

I think it'd be great if we worked together for a common purpose or goal -----

But yeah, yesterday my sister rejected my proposal to help her with what she's doing.

Last night Youtube showed me a video about witchcraft.

The video said that there are families who are under curses that last for generations and generations.

I have to kind of wonder if my family is under one of those curses.

I mean ---- yeah ---- when I became "mentally ill", it was like a magical problem to me ----- as if it was caused by a malicious force, because it didn't totally make sense how I'd have those problems.

For my personal mental illness, for a long time, I've said that if the problem is "magical", that the problem would never be solved by a doctor who doesn't believe in magic.

So yeah:::: to this day my family still has problems, maybe it's a curse, and doctors who don't believe in magic aren't going to solve magical problems.

And that's what I have to report right now.

Thursday, May 21, 2020

"It's just a coincidence"

So::: last Saturday I shot a video of myself playing "Home on the Range" out in the countryside. I posted it to LBRY.

I received over one thousand views. Best video yet.

I even made a thank you video to thank people for their support.

And recently Avril Lavigne showed up on Twitter to say she's appearing with CMT --- country music.

To me, this is evidence of something.

To my Dad, he's still in "It's just a coincidence" mode.

I dunno. Avril has nothing to little to do with CMT for the longest time ---- I suddenly make a video of playing a "country" song in the country and now she's doing CMT -------

I mean, with how I would say "Avril's a penguin who lives in the ocean" to myself in my own head for years, and then she came out with "Head above water" ------- it only seems likely there's some kind of connection.

But yeah, to my Dad it's all JUST a coincidence.

There is something else I'd like to mention, but I'm not sure it's worth talking about publicly. It has something to do with me receiving phone calls and emails that probably actually have nothing to do with me --- like people signing me up for mailing lists that I didn't want anything to do with.

Yeah --- I received a suspicious phone call, and a relatable suspicious email today.

I'm just making a note here that I didn't sign up for any insurance anything right now or recently.

Thursday, May 14, 2020


The way I remember it, a few years ago Youtube showed me a video about the importance of Freedom of Speech.

And, remembering my life experiences, I thought surely there are certain things which really shouldn't be allowed.

And then Youtube started cracking down on inappropriate content.

I can understand cracking down on inappropriate content having grown up in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ----- there are things they allow, and things they don't allow --- I grew up with such systems.

One reason I like LBRY is that it gives me greater freedom to talk about my life.

But, I still think there are limitations to speech because I'm relatively certain that if I repeated some things I heard in my life on LBRY that even LBRY wouldn't allow it.

So::: I like the freedom of LBRY ----- but I do recognize that some things that have been said are so wrong that I'm even thinking that not even LBRY would allow such things.

But on the note of the church policing media and what we say:::::

The church had rules about what media was allowed and what we could say ------

But every single time I had a complaint, all the church said is that we are required to forgive seventy times seven --- every single time I complained.

So::: though the church had rules, the rules were essentially meaningless because they couldn't be enforced.

I was thinking about how after I lost my friendship with someone I loved, I felt so very down and bad about it, and a church leader told me "All is fair in love and war".

If all really was fair in love and war, there are things which could have happened which never did -----

Basically, the church was trying to justify bad behaviour by telling me "all is fair" -----

but we all know that the courts don't see it that way --- heck, the church itself doesn't even operate that way.


So the church's vast set of rules were completely unenforceable because of forgiveness rules -----

while bad behaviour in marriage is allowed because "all is fair..."

But in actuality, we know the courts probably wouldn't go with that.

So yeah, this blog post is just me talking about how I do like LBRY because it gives me a platform, but even so, some of the things I've experienced in my life were so bad it's probably not even allowed on that platform ------

while explaining about how odd the church is with how they have rules that can't be enforced and then tell me "all is fair..." even though we know that won't turn out to be true anyways.

Yeah. Just confusing stuff I guess.

"All is fair..." is not a common phrase in the church, but it's a specific phrase that my church leader used on me because he probably realized how bad I was feeling.

Tuesday, May 12, 2020

To Show You What I Mean

I've said it so many times recently, I might as well just post a screenshot to show what I mean.

I recently supported @KrisAttfieldGAMES on LBRY.

The following screenshot is the portal reporting activity on the channel:

I had +5 new Followers in just a short period of time.

Only +1 Views.

I have 435 Followers, only 94 total views, and my best-viewed item is a free video with only 16 views.

The numbers just look so weird.

Either people are following me without actually viewing anything, maybe they just don't have the credits,

or maybe the government just takes everything I earn.

I know, it might not be realistic that the government garnishes my LBRY earnings ---- but how else can I explain it?

How else can I explain every other publisher I tried?

Either people don't have money, or some entity like the government is taking it.

And I wouldn't be surprised if the government was doing it too ---- it's possible that when I got signed up for disability they might have had me sign some kind of form saying they get to have my royalties. I'm not 100% certain about this, but I have some vague idea in my mind this might be the case.


Now you know why I say what I say.

The numbers in my reports are so unrealistic that my brain is trying to figure out some kind of explanation.

And it's been like this for a very long time --- eg hundreds of likes on Facebook without any sales.


I asked about the problem with a similar screenshot on LBRY itself.

I may have been wrong about the suspicion of the government taking my value.

It's supposedly possible that "dodgy" individuals are following random channels without actually watching anything in order to try to claim rewards.

I guess that explains it.

As of now, I think LBRY's servers are having some problems or something because two items I tried to view weren't coming up (and these were small files) and I didn't get my daily reward for watching content either.

Hopefully, I wasn't personally kicked off the rewards program, it might just be a server issue or because of a change in the value of LBRY Credits ---

but yeah --- it's just weird when almost all the credits you earn are from views you freely give away, and people won't pay 20 or 30 cents for anything. I dunno, maybe I shouldn't complain --- I remember what it's like to be poor, and I know it's very very difficult. Just forgive I guess. If anything, I learned something.

Monday, May 11, 2020


Youtube recommended a video to me, I watched it, and it set off a series of thoughts in my head.

It was a Psych2Go video that explained something like 7 Signs that I Sabotage myself.

Am I sabotaging myself?

Some of the points seemed comparable to my life.

But these days I sum up my "lack of success" just to the government taking everything I earn and then redistributing it.

It's either that or figuring out that people typically don't have money to spend on me.

I started thinking about the money I do have.

I have some money to do something with my life. I have enough to do SOMETHING.

I then thought:::: what is it I really want to do?

I settled on this idea that I want to buy myself my ultimate computer which will likely last at least 10 years (my current main computer has lasted 7 years, and now it is showing signs of being old) and when I get this computer, I plan on developing another video game.

I thought about how I could engage in a fantasy of finally taking Avril Lavigne for myself.

The thing is:::: over the years, I have personally seen Avril Lavigne in person several times within my vicinity.

She's been at my front door, in the community, at the hospital, at an exercise place most recently ---- I see her at these places ----- and then I realize:::: I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I also realize that I might just be hallucinating.

Yup. It's a big problem with me ------- it is so unexpected to see Avril Lavigne directly near me at any time, so I often just suspect I'm hallucinating at those times.

Heck ---- Avril has been to my psychiatric clinic before ----- but later I was told she's never actually been there.

This is so confusing ---- it's like I really am hallucinating. I have no idea what I'm doing.

When it comes to love and relationships, she's the girl I would be interested in I think.

I'm mostly not interested in women anymore, and if I do have any personal interest --- it's Avril.

But I really have no idea what I'm doing. And I think I'm just hallucinating when I do see her.

So::::: Who knows if I'll ever get closer to Avril someday ---------

But what my real plans are is to build a video game on a nice new awesome computer.

And yeah ------ I already know I'm not about to get paid for it. Of course, I'll try to sell it for like $3 --- but I have every idea, in accordance with experience, that getting paid is probably not going to happen.

Who knows how many things can go wrong in the realm of trying to sell something ---- I personally just say the government takes it if I do make anything. There are other possibilities, but I think the government makes the best scapegoat at this point. It's one explanation that actually makes sense, and it even has a chance of being true I think.

Wednesday, May 6, 2020

All Kinds of Experiences

Today I was thinking about how the church is considered a fraud.

And then I remembered a belief I had from church which I still pretty much believe.

And then I realized the church pretty much denied its own beliefs.

It's confusing.

And now I've been thinking about how I've had so many strange experiences since I received my patriarchal blessing::::


Is there a definitive difference between GHOSTS and HALLUCINATIONS

Or for scientific purposes are we just saying that GHOSTS ARE HALLUCINATIONS?

If Ghosts are hallucinations, then yes, I am very much schizophrenic.

If Ghosts are not the same as hallucinations ----- then the church was getting loopy with me by telling me I"d do X Y and Z and then putting me into psychiatry.

I'm not sure how effective I am as a human being anymore ------

But something was definitely effective in helping me experience some pretty strange stuff ------

And at that point, it depends on if Ghosts and hallucinations are the same things or not.

If Ghosts are considered to be hallucinations, then I very, very much deserve my schizophrenia diagnosis and all that.

But if Ghosts are not the same as hallucinations ----- then why I'm in psychiatry treatment is a less reasonable reason.

I'm pretty much a schizophrenic because I believed in the religion I was raised with.

I guess part of the fraud problem might involve how the church tells you to believe X Y and Z and then after a while, they suddenly change everything ----- so X Y and Z no longer apply and the same organization now does A B and C.

That might be a little fraudulent --- especially when they claim to be Jesus' Restored Church, but they obviously can't keep their own doctrine straight over the years, which obviously means they haven't really restored much of anything. Or something like that.

I feel like I'm finished talking now. The church made me schizophrenic, and then they changed their beliefs it seems.

I'll just mention that there seems to be this other problem in the church where the leaders may have a tendency to do the exact opposite of what the scriptures say ---- but that might be slightly off topic.

Tuesday, May 5, 2020

That was strange. Unexplained mystery.

So my family and I just had a strange experience.

The four of us in our household all saw it.

I don't want to go into detail ----

But we went on a little road trip today ----

and we saw 4 (four) DOPPELGANGERS.

We know who they looked like, but we also know they weren't the real individuals.

It was weird. Really weird.

No explanation.

Nobody argued about the similarity of the appearance --- but we did realize these aren't the real individuals.

There was actually a fifth person with three of the doppelgangers --- but I personally had no idea who and was unable to identify.

It was just really strange. and I don't want to go into detail --- but I'm making a note of it on my blog to help me remember this happened.

It reminds me of another experience probably within a year ago where three of us ran into a doppelganger while out walking.

Yeah --- that was weird too.

I'm not sure how to explain it. It's just weird. Just really strange.

Very mysterious.

The church seems like it's not actually true to me a lot of the time ----- but there is obviously a real spiritual mystery or magic of some kind ----- and when more than one of us all witness it ---- then we know it's real.

Just really strange.