Sunday, March 29, 2020

What I'm Thinking

So, I've had a good long while to live my life in my house as though I were a character from The Sims.


I've had a lot of time to think.


Often, I think about the past.


I try to think about future plans::::


but in the end, I often start doing something my brother and I call "grinding about the church".


The simple fact is:::: the church is still a big enough part of my life in my home that I can't keep it out of sight and out of mind ------ I am often reminded of it in one form or another.


But I can't talk about it.


I know, the law of Alberta says we have Freedom of Speech ------ but for years and years now I've learned there are things I'm just not allowed to talk about in my own home.


I think the church had some good ideas.


When first joining the church, I wouldn't have joined unless some of the ideas sounded really good.


SO::: on the surface, the church taught some really good things.


The only problem is, not everyone in the church actually follows all those good teachings ---- and there's no way to enforce the good teachings either.



Be perfect, and forgive everyone.


It seems simple enough, and seems like a good idea ----- but it gets complicated and really hard to live by, especially when some people aren't even trying to be good.



Here's my own personal new version of those two commandments.


The original, basic version of the church is "Be perfect and forgive everything".


My new own personal version is "Be perfect as long as it makes sense, and forgive often but you may use your discretion to rebuke someone or lay down the law".


"Be perfect and forgive everything" sounds good --- but it's really an over-simplification.



Some rules or laws don't make any sense.



So be perfect as long as it makes sense.



Forgiveness is very good ---- but some things are so wrong that they should be dealt with.



So forgive often, but use your discretion to rebuke or lay down the law.



All my life in the church ------ I was ALWAYS told to forgive. Everything.



But what I found is there are times when it makes sense to use your brain, to use thoughtful judgement and then NOT forgive things.


You can still be merciful ----- but absolutely 100% forgiving everything all the time isn't always the best idea.





Part of my problem is that I can't communicate my thoughts to my parents.


I'm basically not allowed to talk about things, even in my own home.



A Psych2Go video explained what a toxic family home is like:::: and over the years a few of the signs of a toxic home have shown up in my life---------


1) Huge negativity.

2) High expectations.

3) My parents don't really listen to me.

Psych2Go made a Youtube video that was something like 5 or 6 signs your family is toxic ---- and I think I've got at least 3 of them in my own life.



But yeah, I see a psychiatrist. I often find the only people I can talk to about things are the psychiatric clinic.


So:::: the bishop had a good idea. I didn't understand at all at the time------ but the psychiatry was actually a really good idea.



I have someone to talk to.



And yes, it's a sign of toxicity when my own parents don't listen to me. If I remember the video correctly.



But yeah ----- to be honest ------- on the few occasions I've been brave enough to try to discuss the topic of Forgiveness with my Mother --------- it's never ended well.



I mean, the church says "forgive all men", that you are "REQUIRED to forgive all men" ----- forgiveness is something the church always says your always supposed to do ---------


and yet when I talk to my Mom about the topic (she's a devout temple attendee) ------ somehow the topic always seems to upset her and we can never discuss it.


Like everything else i say ---- it's discussion OVER right away.



Just my thoughts.



The church had some good ideas ------ but those ideas needed serious refinement ----- and people should actually try to actually follow their religion to see if it actually works out. You can't actually know it's true unless you've actually followed the instructions and got the right results.


Psychiatry had good ideas too ----- They've been a huge help.



Both the church and psychiatry were both wrong in their own ways ---- but they also turned out to be so good.



So, be perfect as long as it makes sense ------ neither the church nor psychiatry have a monopoly on morality.


These are just my thoughts right now.


Just having time to think.



But yeah ---- I need to get out of this house --- so it would be good if people could actually pay me for my work.



Out of 5 or 6 signs that your family is toxic, my family met at least 3 of the criteria ----- so I need to get paid to find my mind own place to live. Thanks, everyone.



(the AiSH Disability Benefit is enough to live with your parents ---- but moving out on your own is extremely difficult).

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