Tuesday, July 7, 2020

Goings on and thoughts

Last night I managed to install the latest LTS of Unity on my Catalina Mac ----- so the very initial beginning of me being able to work on another project has begun.

The project isn't as clear in my mind right now as it was a while ago ---- but maybe I can revive it.



This morning I was thinking about my personal supposed agreement with God and how confusing things got.



Like, ever since I was a teenager, I felt I had made an agreement with God whereas I would serve God for the rest of my life in exchange for my exaltation.



But things on that matter seem to have been at least a little confused.



1) "Celestial Exaltation" is a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Concept ----- so who knows if it is real. Cross out the celestial part and you are left with just exaltation ----- which is a concept which exists in Christianity too, but happens when you humble yourself ---- who knows if serving God is involved (it might be).


2) The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the church that raised me, taught me "Choose you this day whom ye will serve .... ye cannot serve God and Mammon" ----- Though "you cannot serve God and Mammon" also appears in the Bible ------ the church's interpretation of that statement was DIFFERENT from how normal people interpret that statement. Normal people interpret it to mean "You cannot serve both God and Money" whereas if I remember correctly the church I was raised in taught that it meant "You cannot serve both God and the Devil".


3) So it's kind of weird when I knew someone at church, who was a home teacher of our family's, who read my book, and supposedly knew of my agreement with God ----- and then offered me a job paying $2000 a month. You know what's weird about this? Either he didn't know, and I didn't know or we both didn't know the actual interpretation of "You cannot serve God and Mammon". We came from the same church ------ and we both knew of my agreement, and yet for a week I worked for him, working for money, which supposedly screws my agreement. I quit my job with him when I realized that working for him was a really, really bad idea -------- but there you go:::: we both knew of my agreement with God, but I was clueless about what "Serving God" actually meant while he was either clueless as well or he was deliberately sabotaging me ------ and it's not unbelievable that he would be deliberately sabotaging me.



So Yeah -------- the whole concept of working for exaltation comes from the church in the first place ------ but it's weird when the church doesn't tell you the actual meaning of the God and Mammon statement and then tries to make you work for money even though you shouldn't.


Messed up.



I worked for him for only a week ----- that whole time I was clueless that working for money would be against my morals ------ but I did quickly realize, during that week, that doing the job he offered me was a really bad idea. Yeah.



A person from Church offers me a job that is against my morals? Yup ---- it's a trap ----- but it's weird how he may also not have realized at the time that what he was doing was pretty much wrong.


He may not have realized it. It may have been an innocent mistake on both our parts.


The church's education on that scripture just wasn't like everyone else's understanding.




And finally, I will say that I'm thankful to Youtube for teaching me about the economy and economic systems.


When I was in High School I think I suffered from some misunderstandings about economic systems and their definitions.


I don't know if it was just being wrongly taught or if it was my mental illness ------ but I'm so happy now that I have a better understanding of things. Yay.



It's unfortunate, but I think my Dad may be missing the education I now have. My Dad might be a big reason why my High School education was so off for all I know. I was told I was delusional ---- maybe some of the things I wrongly understood came from my Dad ------ but I already know that trying to explain things to him will be difficult, as it always is.



I recently sent my Dad a text asking him if he actually had a goal of getting to the Celestial Kingdom while he was going to church.


He refused to answer the question.



Either he was raising me in Church without the actual goal in his thoughts and actions ---- which is kind of messed up ---------


Or he didn't understand the church's own teaching that certain things just aren't allowed in heaven (such as namecalling from my sister).


To my Dad, my sister's namecalling in my childhood was just normal to him.


But according to Jesus in the Bible, all that namecalling was a very, very bad thing to do.


So it's just weird if his goal was heaven that he wasn't teaching her to behave that way.


Which means he may have been raising me in the church without caring about the actual goal.


Which is kind of messed up.


And those are my thoughts for now.

Friday, July 3, 2020

Amazon's Checkout Problem

So, I just thought I'd point out on my blog that since this morning I have been unable to add things to my Amazon.ca shopping cart on all my devices.

I asked a family member to try on their device and it didn't work for them either.

I looked up some research on the issue online and found that there was another person today very recently who is also experiencing the same problem.

There's not much I can do about it, except create awareness for the problem on my blog.


Amazon's Shopping Cart isn't adding items for multiple people today it appears. That's the issue. No shopping.



I saw the item I was shopping for was put on for a flash sale ---- but I still was unable to purchase it.



So, forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us ---- no hard feelings, but it might be causing me to feel a little anxious - as my paranoid mind wonders if I really am being wrong or too crazy today or recently.

I recently posted how I suspected I may have been hallucinating yesterday. Maybe I'm just confused, I don't know.

My Dad thought I was OK though. But what I experienced was strange enough to explain on this blog.

So::: I'm just having my little psychological issues, and the fact that Amazon is not working is playing with my mind. But I'll forgive it.


My mind is now thinking about what life would be like if there was no amazon. It's a survivable thought, but I realize things would be far less convenient without Amazon.



UPDATE::: The next day::::::


I woke up and grabbed my bedside iPad, checked my email, and then decided to use Amazon again.

I tried adding an item to my cart::: this item did not add to the cart.

So I put it on my wishlist.

I tried adding another item I wanted to my cart::: it worked! The item added!

So I went to my wishlist and tried to add the first item to my cart::: it still wouldn't add.

So I found a replacement item that does the same job and found out that it would add.

So, with the two items I wanted happily in my shopping cart, I was able to check out.

Hooray.

Now I can hopefully stop feeling that bit of anxiety.

Am I Hallucinating?

I'm supposedly on a strong anti-psychotic ---- I have been for the past 10 years ------


But some weird stuff has happened, and there's enough of it that I just thought I'd mention it here.


SO::::


Yesterday afternoon I went for a drive to do some shopping with my parents.

In part of the drive, my Dad complained that there was absolutely no reason that this one vehicle should have been driving on our side of the road in the opposite direction.

That vehicle did go back to its own side of the road --- and there were no accidents ----

but that incident immediately started me thinking about that old Dumb Laws website that used to exist on the internet.

I thought about these supposed laws that said if you had the right kind of red light or whatever on the front of your vehicle, that you would then be legally allowed to drive on the wrong side of the street.

The laws in those places were something like that. Something about having proper luminescent indication that you can drive on the wrong side and still be legal.


Well, I was just thinking about that for a moment, but very shortly after we reached an intersection where we stopped at a red light.


And I saw the weirdest thing::: the car across the intersection from us::: the left flasher was a red light ------- it was the weirdest thing as if what I was thinking in that moment came exactly true.

I just thought about that sort of "dumb laws" thing for a moment and immediately after I found our vehicle stopped at an intersection with a vehicle with a red left flasher on the other side.


Yeah ---- I definitely made a mental note of that, but didn't think it was enough to post about on its own.


Last night I made a post on LBRY talking about some history in my life that doesn't really make any sense -------  in my logical mind the situation was kind of nonsense, and I thought I'd talk a bit about it. It's ancient history, but it's in my life's history so I'd thought I'd talk about it. It's the part where I'm wrong no matter what side of the argument I take. The pro church argument was wrong and so was the anti church argument. I'm wrong on both sides of the argument. I talked about that for a bit, just because it was on my mind.


Then I lay in bed last night, watching some Youtube on my iPad.


I heard a banging noise upstairs, I wasn't sure if it was the door or someone doing something upstairs ------ I've had situations in my life previously where such noises could have been either.



But this morning I woke up and asked my parents about the banging noise. They had no idea what I was talking about.


Last night I could hear my brother walking around upstairs, so I just assumed that since he didn't go get the door that it was my parents or something --------- but both my parents have no idea about any banging noises ---- right now at least.


I'm confused. Was I hallucinating? I'm supposedly on anti-psychotics ------ but this is just getting weird when I'm seeing things that resemble my thoughts from just moments ago and there's a banging noise that only I seem to have heard. And no one went to the door.


The last strange thing I want to mention is this::::::


This morning I thought I'd order some accessories for my upstairs guitar from Amazon ----- but Amazon isn't letting me put items in my shopping cart right now.


It's either some kind of bug with the website I'm thinking now -------


Or, my paranoid mind might suspect that Amazon was watching me on LBRY and didn't like what I was saying or something about all that confusing stuff.


Right now I'll chalk it up to a  bug with their website or servers or whatever ----- but if the problem persists than I guess I'll just have to accept that something is really, really wrong with me.


Having thoughts about situations that don't make any sense.

Seeing something that doesn't make any sense.

Hearing something supposedly no one else heard.



Am I psychotic right now? Am I hallucinating? What is real?


I'm supposedly on my meds, an injection, but yeah, things have just been strange enough to write a blog post about it.



Seeing a strange thing you never see ----- and yet what I saw was directly related to my thoughts moments earlier ----------

Hearing something no one else responded to and no one else seems to have heard it either --------

and bringing up an old situation from my life that didn't make a whole lot of sense either way ----



Maybe I've been hallucinating. Maybe, am I psychotic right now or in the past few moments?



Just weird. Should I visit the hospital? I'll have to tell my parents about those thoughts and ask my parents what they think.


Of course, I would hope to maintain my freedom ----- but I can't deny this is a couple strange things in the short period of time and something is just weird.


If these questions somehow get answered --- such as my Dad saw it too or my brother remembers last night ------ then I can't help but suspect I might delete this post --------


But then again, if I'm hallucinating I wonder if I should visit the hospital.




I'll note finally that I used to exchange emails with an old friend of mine.


Over the years, I'd think I thought I remember what she said in those emails --- but when I looked up those emails in my records and re-read what she said ----- it's as if her written words had CHANGED.


As if someone hacked the email server and changed what she said.



And then there's that book The Miracle of Forgiveness which magically says something different than what I originally read ---- as if someone switched out my copy of the book with a different edition.




Maybe I really am schizophrenic, or maybe it's all just magical ------ but it's definitely something to talk to the doctor about.



UPDATE:::::


Well, that's unexpected.


I reiterated the banging noises and right light flasher stories to my father a moment ago -

He did not remember the noise and nor did he remember the red light flasher ----

I told him I figured I might be hallucinating -----

and something completely unexpected happened::::

He told me that I'm probably NOT hallucinating. Or something like that.

He expressed, in some way that I wasn't hallucinating, even though for years he was telling me I was ill and this situation doesn't make sense to even me ----

Well, I'm obviously confused now. Yup. Might be a sign of psychosis.

But yeah ----- I figure I might be hallucinating, and my Dad takes an opposite viewpoint essentially.

Now, this is just weird. I do not understand.



He figures that what I saw may have been real and that he just didn't notice.


But it's so strange that I was thinking about it moments before I saw it.


Who knows.


FURTHERMORE::::::


So I had a family member try to add the items I wanted to their Amazon shopping cart.

Didn't work for them either.

I'm leaning towards this being a server problem or error now ------- it seems unlikely that Amazon just doesn't like my whole family anymore.


I asked my Mom if she remembered the incident with the vehicle in our lane ----- she didn't. No hope there.


And then I realized that if someone had been at the door, they should've rung the doorbell. Which they didn't.

So who knows what that was.


Maybe it's a false alarm ----- but there was enough weirdness between yesterday and today that I just felt I had to write a post about it.

Monday, June 29, 2020

Upstairs Guitar

The first guitar I bought was a $130 Maestro by Gibson.

It's a beginner or starter guitar for a new player or learner.


A while back I discovered a problem:::: the F Sharp on the G String didn't sound right. I had no idea why.


I had put the guitar into storage in case someone else in my family or friend group wanted to eventually learn to play guitar.


But yesterday I found the only person in my family who had the slightest desire to learn wouldn't do it for a long time.


So I felt it would be OK to take my guitar to a Thrift Store just to get rid of it --- to attempt to follow Jesus' teaching to sell and give to the poor.



So last night I took the guitar out of storage.


I tuned it up.


And I attempted to play O Canada --- in order to demonstrate how the F Sharp of the G String was not working.


But ---- I quickly found the F Sharp DID work this time. I have no idea why.



So months ago I had no idea why the F Sharp wouldn't work.



And today I have no idea why it is now finally working properly.



I have no idea what caused the problem or the fix.



But ----- now that the guitar is functional, I see no need to get rid of it ------ and my Mom seems to be OK with this idea -------



So my once-broken but now-fixed [for no apparent reason] beginner guitar will now be my upstairs guitar.



Hooray.



It's just the strangest thing. It wouldn't work for no reason, and for no reason, it became fixed. No idea.

Friday, June 26, 2020

Not Much More to do it seems right now

For a little while I was feeling the urge to build the video game ---- but when I tried to get Unity to work on my Catalina Mac Mini, somehow the latest LTS version wouldn't install using the Unity Hub ---- so though maybe I could do it using a Linux virtual machine, I'm kind of leaning again towards saving my money for more important things than a video game.


So:::: on the video game business front, I don't see the point of making all the effort to waste my money. So no.



And then there's all those old psychological issues that I had for a very long time. Could I talk about that?



I thought about two of the topics I could discuss on that front, but then realized one of them is just a re-worded way of saying something I already said, while the other would dig up old issues that probably don't matter anymore.



The trend in my life over the past months seems to be headed towards this idea that I'm retiring now.



I may have released a new song ------ reactions to the song are mixed ------ some people enjoy it while other people don't really understand the entertainment value. There's a reason I charge 35 cents for that song ----- I actually don't want people to listen to it, but if they want to listen to it, then they have to give me 35 cents. Does that make sense?


Yes ---- it's weird ------ but I've actually figured out that I can actually stop people from viewing my materials just by putting on a price tag like that.


I have material that I want to publish, but I don't necessarily want everyone viewing it, so that's why it makes sense to have a price tag.


but yeah, my latest song pleases only maybe half the audience as I've learned so far.


But from the two sales it had, it had 7 views ----- which means it must've been pretty good for someone.



So::: maybe I could try making more music some time, but maybe then again I shouldn't. Maybe it doesn't matter.


Video games are a hassle and a waste of money ------ so I can ignore doing that for now.


I think I've worked though most of my psychological or church issues by now ------ so I don't totally see the point of digging that stuff up again or re-wording the same old things.



I guess I can talk about whatever is on my mind if I deem it worthy -------- but it sure is interesting to find out that if I have a topic I don't want people to hear but I do want to publish all I have to do is put on a price tag.


Either people don't buy much from me, or else someone like the government may have been garnishing my earnings for the past however long.



I can just enjoy living with my family and collecting my disability now it seems.



I just don't see what much more to do right now, besides write this blog post.


As for the upstairs guitar thing:::


I thought I could use having an upstairs guitar as a convenience as an excuse to get a new guitar ----


but no, that's not going to work.


I would like an upstairs guitar, but my mom is very opposed. And I understand that too. So I doubt I'll be buying anymore guitars. Unless my current guitar gets broken somehow, I guess.


Yup ---- I'm either on vacation or I'm finally retiring. Something like that. I just seem to be moving towards having nothing to do besides maybe helping my family with my Sister's projects.



I'm actually quite proud of my Sister for her efforts. I hope it works out for her.


I may not have liked her much when we were growing up, but most of the time I feel capable of following the church's teaching to forgive.


So, I'll just wait until I can game with my sister's brother-in-law again, and yeah, not much more to do or say.

Tuesday, June 16, 2020

Irrational Temptation

I am so tempted.

To buy a new guitar.

There are reasons this is a bad idea.

But the reward centers in my brain tell me I want it.



So:::: things I could spend my money on:::

1) Helping my sister with her projects (long term and expensive).

2) Building a video game (short-medium term and a bit pricey).

3) If (1) fails I could use that money to maybe start an actual business, like a video game company, with more funding than a small project

4) I could buy this guitar.




This guitar is a big waste of money because I already, pretty much, have all the guitars I could need, and I'd have limited space in my house to put this guitar to store it,


but yeah ------ I enjoy guitar so much and this guitar looks so sweet that my brain just feels this great desire to have one.


The thing that got me to write this post is that the model name of this guitar is an "Epiphone Les Paul Special II".


What's so great about that name?


My Harmonica is a "Special 20".


Having a Special 20 and a Special II would seem like such a good thing, and it is really tickling my imagination and hopes to have both. Just fun you know?


Thing is:::: right now I have $500 of debt and it'll take a bit of time to pay that off.


It's just tickling my mind so much, this sweet guitar and how it matches my harmonica. And then how in a real-world sense it's just a bad idea.


It's an irrational temptation ---- it's a bad idea ----- but it's tempting.

UPDATE 3:02PM:::::

I just realized or remembered that there's also a handheld console expected to be released this year. I've wanted one since I found out about it.

All the things to spend money on ---- yet such little income from sales. Huh.

Anyway, this upcoming console, which is supposed to be limited in release quantities, is called the Play Date. You can find it at play.date <---- (that's a website URL).

yeah --- anywho ---- lots of things to spend money on, limited resources, and few sales.

I have an excuse to try to sell my games ------ but who knows, maybe people don't find them that interesting. Or something.

Sunday, May 31, 2020

An Email

A day or two ago I checked my SPAM Inbox and found an email talking about investing or investment money or something.


Such things often seem unreal, and my family is paranoid enough that we wouldn't believe in such things.


I personally feel peaceful about the idea of investment ---- but I don't know why.


I have my own project I'd like to work on, while at the same time wanting to help my sister with her project.


And AiSH Disability income is limited.


If there were really any investors in our family's efforts, I would have to warn that our mental health issues can be pretty bad.


As a child, my sister was probably one of my worst enemies. However, now as an adult, she's really impressive. So, I'm liking her more now.


But apart from her, my family has a long way to go before being reasonably healthy.


I would like to talk about my family's issues to give a better picture, but I don't feel I should.


I should just keep my family's issues to myself I think.


But yeah ---- there are reasons why investing in my family's efforts would be risky.


We do appear to be getting better over time, but it's a painfully slow process.


Personally, I may be receiving treatment and I may be improving so much -------


But until Jesus comes and physically heals me with his miraculous powers, I think even I will always be disabled.


I'm improving, and I'm getting better --- but part of my problem would pretty much require a miraculous healing to solve. I think so at least.

Tuesday, May 26, 2020

Choices

I'm sitting here thinking about my options.


One part of my mind says:

Whatever the case is with sales or garnishing --- I simply don't make very much after all the work I've done. I might actually be richer just to retire.



Another part of me would kind of like to see the video game idea I have built -----

but the simple fact is that I'm not an expert or pro, I'm not an artist, and I may either do a really bad job, or I'll be spending all kinds of money for someone else's help.



I might actually be better off, I might actually be richer, to just retire. I might be better off to not work.


Working would cost money, especially as people don't seem to pay me for my products, so maybe I should just "retire".


I feel like I've accomplished pretty much or almost all the things I would want to do in my life besides buy my own home.


My chances of buying my own home are higher if I just save my money rather than spending money on projects which won't pay.


I've got time to think about it, it' all "up in the air" ----- I'm just blogging about what the different factors are in these things.


Yesterday I thought I'd build the game again, but today I feel myself leaning towards "retiring".



In order to really get somewhere, I would need more cooperation from people.


And, experience says cooperation is a difficult thing to find in a lot of cases.


So maybe I should just retire and live with what I have now.

Monday, May 25, 2020

Trying to Figure Out my Plans

I'm trying to figure out exactly what I should be doing in my future.

A few of the factors involved with this are:

1) If people actually buy my games or not.

2) If the government may or may not be garnishing or taking what I earn.

3) Whether or not I will or will not need or someday have to help my Sister with what she's doing.


Looking at my situation ---- I'll just say that I could just "retire" if I had to or wanted to.

But, getting bored is no good, so doing things is fun.


Am I going to help my Sister with her project?

Or am I going to build a video game?


My Sister isn't committal that I will or will not help her ----- and neither are the video game sales a thing I really see going on (unless the government garnishes me) -------- so making a decision between the two is difficult.


The good news is that apparently, Mixamo is a very low-cost service --- as such making a video game becomes more possible for me.


Yes ----- I have an idea for a video game. It's just an idea ---- it would be something to do, which would probably be good.


If it's expensive, I wouldn't want to proceed. But Mixamo is cheap so maybe I have a chance.



It's just a matter of deciding what to do with finite resources, and not having all the information available to do so.



It's just really good news that Mixamo is so cheap ---- because that may help me go a long way to actually doing something again.


If Mixamo was pricey, that would be a big limiting factor.


Of course, none of this will happen right away ---- I plan on going into a bit of debt and then recovering from that debt over a bit of time.


None of this is immediate planning and I have lots of time to decide.



Off the top of my head ----- I'd say since my Sister initially rejected me and doesn't plan on needing my help, and since I have the resources, building a new video game (at my level of ability) is a possibility.


Getting paid would be nice, but it's also true that money is not too important these days. Money is sort of important ------- but I'm just going with an idea of Christian Ideology that money shouldn't exist, and is therefore not the be-all and end-all of existence.


Maybe I will try to build a game ----- and if my sister does need my help down the road, then she'll just have to kick herself for rejecting me for so long.




On a side note::::: I was thinking today about how accomplishing certain things in life always requires cooperation from a 3rd party.

Driving a car, living in a house ------- these are two activities that are nearly impossible to do all by yourself which almost always require some number of cooperative third parties to be involved.

Even though doing certain things in life require cooperation, for some reason my Sister repetitively refused to cooperate with me ever since she was very young ---- and even to this day she refuses my help/cooperating with me.

All the great and nice things we'd like to do with our lives require cooperation of any number of individuals.

So I'm just thinking about how it's a shame that so much I experienced growing up was defective behaviours in individuals ------- all those defective behaviours resulted in not-good things happening.

Yeah. Cooperation is pretty much essential to accomplish things, but even to this day my sister refuses my help or essentially refuses to cooperate with me.

It's no wonder things went so poorly for me when I was at an age to start my adult life.

Defective behaviours don't accomplish anything good.

People need to cooperate with each other in order to get good results.

So yeah::: it's just such a pity how defective people were in my childhood.

Can't we live in harmony?

My sister has a project she's working on, a goal to work towards.

I like what she's doing and yesterday I offered my help to help her with what she's doing.

She rejected me initially.

Then a little while later after some thought she came back and still rejected me, but said maybe I could help if the need for it ever comes up.


One of the things I think the church was going for in families was some level of peace and harmony in family operations.


Families are supposed to be teams that work together.


Unfortunately, for a long time, and even to this day, my family may be getting by (things were bad, but they've gotten better over time) but we're still not in a state of being perfectly harmonious and having common goals and working together.


I have a book about business that says most businesses are small businesses, and most small businesses basically just hire family members.


Unfortunately, my family is not at that level yet --- not at the level to really run a family business with family working in the business.


We are STILL, more or less, "too dysfunctional".


I think it'd be great if we worked together for a common purpose or goal -----


But yeah, yesterday my sister rejected my proposal to help her with what she's doing.



Last night Youtube showed me a video about witchcraft.


The video said that there are families who are under curses that last for generations and generations.


I have to kind of wonder if my family is under one of those curses.


I mean ---- yeah ---- when I became "mentally ill", it was like a magical problem to me ----- as if it was caused by a malicious force, because it didn't totally make sense how I'd have those problems.


For my personal mental illness, for a long time, I've said that if the problem is "magical", that the problem would never be solved by a doctor who doesn't believe in magic.


So yeah:::: to this day my family still has problems, maybe it's a curse, and doctors who don't believe in magic aren't going to solve magical problems.


And that's what I have to report right now.

Thursday, May 21, 2020

"It's just a coincidence"

So::: last Saturday I shot a video of myself playing "Home on the Range" out in the countryside. I posted it to LBRY.

I received over one thousand views. Best video yet.

I even made a thank you video to thank people for their support.


And recently Avril Lavigne showed up on Twitter to say she's appearing with CMT --- country music.


To me, this is evidence of something.


To my Dad, he's still in "It's just a coincidence" mode.



I dunno. Avril has nothing to little to do with CMT for the longest time ---- I suddenly make a video of playing a "country" song in the country and now she's doing CMT -------



I mean, with how I would say "Avril's a penguin who lives in the ocean" to myself in my own head for years, and then she came out with "Head above water" ------- it only seems likely there's some kind of connection.



But yeah, to my Dad it's all JUST a coincidence.



There is something else I'd like to mention, but I'm not sure it's worth talking about publicly. It has something to do with me receiving phone calls and emails that probably actually have nothing to do with me --- like people signing me up for mailing lists that I didn't want anything to do with.


Yeah --- I received a suspicious phone call, and a relatable suspicious email today.

I'm just making a note here that I didn't sign up for any insurance anything right now or recently.

Thursday, May 14, 2020

Limitations

The way I remember it, a few years ago Youtube showed me a video about the importance of Freedom of Speech.

And, remembering my life experiences, I thought surely there are certain things which really shouldn't be allowed.

And then Youtube started cracking down on inappropriate content.

I can understand cracking down on inappropriate content having grown up in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ----- there are things they allow, and things they don't allow --- I grew up with such systems.

One reason I like LBRY is that it gives me greater freedom to talk about my life.

But, I still think there are limitations to speech because I'm relatively certain that if I repeated some things I heard in my life on LBRY that even LBRY wouldn't allow it.

So::: I like the freedom of LBRY ----- but I do recognize that some things that have been said are so wrong that I'm even thinking that not even LBRY would allow such things.



But on the note of the church policing media and what we say:::::

The church had rules about what media was allowed and what we could say ------

But every single time I had a complaint, all the church said is that we are required to forgive seventy times seven --- every single time I complained.

So::: though the church had rules, the rules were essentially meaningless because they couldn't be enforced.



I was thinking about how after I lost my friendship with someone I loved, I felt so very down and bad about it, and a church leader told me "All is fair in love and war".

If all really was fair in love and war, there are things which could have happened which never did -----


Basically, the church was trying to justify bad behaviour by telling me "all is fair" -----


but we all know that the courts don't see it that way --- heck, the church itself doesn't even operate that way.


Yeah.


So the church's vast set of rules were completely unenforceable because of forgiveness rules -----

while bad behaviour in marriage is allowed because "all is fair..."

But in actuality, we know the courts probably wouldn't go with that.



So yeah, this blog post is just me talking about how I do like LBRY because it gives me a platform, but even so, some of the things I've experienced in my life were so bad it's probably not even allowed on that platform ------


while explaining about how odd the church is with how they have rules that can't be enforced and then tell me "all is fair..." even though we know that won't turn out to be true anyways.


Yeah. Just confusing stuff I guess.


"All is fair..." is not a common phrase in the church, but it's a specific phrase that my church leader used on me because he probably realized how bad I was feeling.

Tuesday, May 12, 2020

To Show You What I Mean

I've said it so many times recently, I might as well just post a screenshot to show what I mean.


I recently supported @KrisAttfieldGAMES on LBRY.


The following screenshot is the portal reporting activity on the channel:

I had +5 new Followers in just a short period of time.

Only +1 Views.

I have 435 Followers, only 94 total views, and my best-viewed item is a free video with only 16 views.

The numbers just look so weird.

Either people are following me without actually viewing anything, maybe they just don't have the credits,

or maybe the government just takes everything I earn.


I know, it might not be realistic that the government garnishes my LBRY earnings ---- but how else can I explain it?

How else can I explain every other publisher I tried?

Either people don't have money, or some entity like the government is taking it.

And I wouldn't be surprised if the government was doing it too ---- it's possible that when I got signed up for disability they might have had me sign some kind of form saying they get to have my royalties. I'm not 100% certain about this, but I have some vague idea in my mind this might be the case.

Yeah.

Now you know why I say what I say.

The numbers in my reports are so unrealistic that my brain is trying to figure out some kind of explanation.

And it's been like this for a very long time --- eg hundreds of likes on Facebook without any sales.


UPDATE::::


I asked about the problem with a similar screenshot on LBRY itself.

I may have been wrong about the suspicion of the government taking my value.

It's supposedly possible that "dodgy" individuals are following random channels without actually watching anything in order to try to claim rewards.

I guess that explains it.


As of now, I think LBRY's servers are having some problems or something because two items I tried to view weren't coming up (and these were small files) and I didn't get my daily reward for watching content either.

Hopefully, I wasn't personally kicked off the rewards program, it might just be a server issue or because of a change in the value of LBRY Credits ---

but yeah --- it's just weird when almost all the credits you earn are from views you freely give away, and people won't pay 20 or 30 cents for anything. I dunno, maybe I shouldn't complain --- I remember what it's like to be poor, and I know it's very very difficult. Just forgive I guess. If anything, I learned something.

Monday, May 11, 2020

Self-Sabotage

Youtube recommended a video to me, I watched it, and it set off a series of thoughts in my head.

It was a Psych2Go video that explained something like 7 Signs that I Sabotage myself.

Am I sabotaging myself?

Some of the points seemed comparable to my life.

But these days I sum up my "lack of success" just to the government taking everything I earn and then redistributing it.

It's either that or figuring out that people typically don't have money to spend on me.


I started thinking about the money I do have.

I have some money to do something with my life. I have enough to do SOMETHING.

I then thought:::: what is it I really want to do?


I settled on this idea that I want to buy myself my ultimate computer which will likely last at least 10 years (my current main computer has lasted 7 years, and now it is showing signs of being old) and when I get this computer, I plan on developing another video game.


I thought about how I could engage in a fantasy of finally taking Avril Lavigne for myself.


The thing is:::: over the years, I have personally seen Avril Lavigne in person several times within my vicinity.


She's been at my front door, in the community, at the hospital, at an exercise place most recently ---- I see her at these places ----- and then I realize:::: I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I also realize that I might just be hallucinating.


Yup. It's a big problem with me ------- it is so unexpected to see Avril Lavigne directly near me at any time, so I often just suspect I'm hallucinating at those times.


Heck ---- Avril has been to my psychiatric clinic before ----- but later I was told she's never actually been there.


This is so confusing ---- it's like I really am hallucinating. I have no idea what I'm doing.


When it comes to love and relationships, she's the girl I would be interested in I think.


I'm mostly not interested in women anymore, and if I do have any personal interest --- it's Avril.


But I really have no idea what I'm doing. And I think I'm just hallucinating when I do see her.


So::::: Who knows if I'll ever get closer to Avril someday ---------



But what my real plans are is to build a video game on a nice new awesome computer.



And yeah ------ I already know I'm not about to get paid for it. Of course, I'll try to sell it for like $3 --- but I have every idea, in accordance with experience, that getting paid is probably not going to happen.


Who knows how many things can go wrong in the realm of trying to sell something ---- I personally just say the government takes it if I do make anything. There are other possibilities, but I think the government makes the best scapegoat at this point. It's one explanation that actually makes sense, and it even has a chance of being true I think.

Wednesday, May 6, 2020

All Kinds of Experiences

Today I was thinking about how the church is considered a fraud.


And then I remembered a belief I had from church which I still pretty much believe.


And then I realized the church pretty much denied its own beliefs.


It's confusing.


And now I've been thinking about how I've had so many strange experiences since I received my patriarchal blessing::::


SO::::


Is there a definitive difference between GHOSTS and HALLUCINATIONS


Or for scientific purposes are we just saying that GHOSTS ARE HALLUCINATIONS?


If Ghosts are hallucinations, then yes, I am very much schizophrenic.


If Ghosts are not the same as hallucinations ----- then the church was getting loopy with me by telling me I"d do X Y and Z and then putting me into psychiatry.


I'm not sure how effective I am as a human being anymore ------


But something was definitely effective in helping me experience some pretty strange stuff ------


And at that point, it depends on if Ghosts and hallucinations are the same things or not.



If Ghosts are considered to be hallucinations, then I very, very much deserve my schizophrenia diagnosis and all that.


But if Ghosts are not the same as hallucinations ----- then why I'm in psychiatry treatment is a less reasonable reason.



I'm pretty much a schizophrenic because I believed in the religion I was raised with.


I guess part of the fraud problem might involve how the church tells you to believe X Y and Z and then after a while, they suddenly change everything ----- so X Y and Z no longer apply and the same organization now does A B and C.


That might be a little fraudulent --- especially when they claim to be Jesus' Restored Church, but they obviously can't keep their own doctrine straight over the years, which obviously means they haven't really restored much of anything. Or something like that.


I feel like I'm finished talking now. The church made me schizophrenic, and then they changed their beliefs it seems.


I'll just mention that there seems to be this other problem in the church where the leaders may have a tendency to do the exact opposite of what the scriptures say ---- but that might be slightly off topic.

Tuesday, May 5, 2020

That was strange. Unexplained mystery.

So my family and I just had a strange experience.

The four of us in our household all saw it.

I don't want to go into detail ----

But we went on a little road trip today ----

and we saw 4 (four) DOPPELGANGERS.

We know who they looked like, but we also know they weren't the real individuals.


It was weird. Really weird.


No explanation.


Nobody argued about the similarity of the appearance --- but we did realize these aren't the real individuals.


There was actually a fifth person with three of the doppelgangers --- but I personally had no idea who and was unable to identify.


It was just really strange. and I don't want to go into detail --- but I'm making a note of it on my blog to help me remember this happened.



It reminds me of another experience probably within a year ago where three of us ran into a doppelganger while out walking.

Yeah --- that was weird too.



I'm not sure how to explain it. It's just weird. Just really strange.


Very mysterious.



The church seems like it's not actually true to me a lot of the time ----- but there is obviously a real spiritual mystery or magic of some kind ----- and when more than one of us all witness it ---- then we know it's real.


Just really strange.

Thursday, April 30, 2020

It Must've Been the Orientation

When I wrote my last post about how the first two frets on my bass guitar didn't work - I discovered that from playing sitting down with my bass guitar situated in a non-normal fashion on my lap and belly --- it was kind of sideways.


Maybe gravity interacting with the vibration of the strings had something to do with the quality.


Today I grabbed my bass guitar again and played it standing up with the bass guitar oriented the way a performer would play it --- vertically rather than horizontally.


This time I got a much better sound.


The E and A string worked on all frets this time.


The D and G string worked on the second fret.


The only thing that seemed a bit off at this point was the D and G string on the first fret. And that was it.


It appears to be good now.


Hooray!




As for the economic part of yesterday's post::::

I started thinking::: what if I have done everything that I can to sell stuff?

What if there's literally nothing I can do to actually sell things?

What if people seriously just don't have money to spend on my products?

With all the massive amounts of debt that exist --- it definitely seems possible that don't see me as someone they should budget in.



So maybe I should just take a vacation. If it's just plain impossible for me to sell my work --- then why work?



And if it's true that the government takes what I earn and redistributes it to my disability program --- they hey, that's Christianity for you. I sold what I have and it went to the poor.


But I don't really know. It just seems like a possibility.


The church I grew up in taught a communal economic system that could be compared with communism ---- but the church insisted they were different from communism for some odd reason.


I guess there are just different flavours of such ideas or something.


But to be honest, when I think about it --- there are so many similarities ---- what to think?


Probably a big difference is just that we know the church is prone to huge mismanagement.


Anyway --- now I have nothing to say.

Wednesday, April 29, 2020

I guess you get what you pay for

In the guitar world, a $300 guitar is relatively a cheap one.

That's the price range of all my guitars, excluding my first guitar, the Maestro, which was only $130.

I found out what the problem was with the Maestro::: The F# on the G String wasn't right. I can't play O Canada very well now. So I put that guitar away into storage, to be taken out again when someone I know finally wants to learn.

My other acoustic guitar, the Epiphone, was a $300 guitar and it's actually really quite nice, there was only an issue with one of the tuning machines, and after I fixed that --- it's great.

My Squier Affinity Stratocaster, which is also ~$300, is actually a really, really nice guitar ---- no problems found there yet.



But my new Bass guitar. Another $300 guitar.


I found out why it's a cheap one yesterday.


The guitar is great, except, it seems for one fact::::: the first two frets are basically useless.


Playing the open strings sounds good, playing frets 3 and higher all sound good ----


But playing any string on the first two frets sounds very wrong. It doesn't work.


So, I got what I paid for. $300 was basically my budget for this purchase ---- but in the guitar world, that's actually quite cheap.


So::: maybe quality control would hopefully be better with a more expensive guitar.


It's taken me a.decade or more to get where I am financially today ----- if you believe that my earnings are taken by the government and then redistributed to the disability program I'm on ---- if that's what happens, it's taken me 10 years of work and several years of being disabled to get this far.


And all.I could budget for was a $300 bass guitar, at which price point there would be quality control issues.


Yikes.


I don't see my sales reports typically since the government probably takes what I earn---- but if I already earned millions and was only able to afford a $300 guitar ------- how much more do I need to earn in order to buy even better quality guitars? And my own house?


The reason I might suspect I might've already earned a whole lot isn't 100% certain information, but it is the information I have::::


Like, on Amazon I found a used copy of one of my books priced at 2.6million dollars. That was strange. One time.


And I got these emails a while back telling me a Japanese person wanted to buy me or something for a few million dollars ----- I'm not a corporation so that's essentially impossible and my parents thought it was a scam anyway -------- but I took the dollar figure of the offer, and did some calculations:::


I found that after taxes, take the remainder, divide it by 30 people who are all my age ---- and it turned out to basically be the same amount of money they increased my disability program by over the past few years.


Huge coincidence. How does a random "scam" email like that turn into a number that actually calculates and makes sense in the real world? Who knows.


But yeah ----- I may have already made my millions and was only able to afford a $300 bass guitar after about 10 years of work. Yeah.


But maybe that's just speculation::::


It's also possible I didn't make any money and only by the grace of the Alberta Government have I been able to afford anything at all. Yeah.

Friday, April 17, 2020

What do I believe?

So in my last post, I threw caution to the wind and just said we should get RFID tags in our left hands instead of our right hands ---- as if that was going to satisfy God better.


But this morning I was thinking about that, and then I realized I have a question about myself: what do I actually believe anyway?


On the surface, Christianity does actually look appealing.

On the surface, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints also looks appealing.


I grew up in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and on the surface, their initial ideas and teachings were actually quite good, appealing.



In theory, the church was good.



In practice, not so much.



The problem is when you have a family member who completely misses the point of baptism or repentance or choosing the right.


Have any idea how frustrating it is to try to indoctrinate a young mind with good behaviour ideology and somehow those ideas never take hold In that brain? And yet that individual still goes to the temple anyway?


Yeah, it's frustrating.



Another thing::::



I no longer attend church, so in truth I wouldn't know what they talk about anymore::::



But for the years of my life, I did spend going to church, I noticed something:::::



The GOLDEN RULE was discussed only briefly, only in Primary (the class for the young children).


When you grow up, everyone, including the teachers, completely seems to forget about the Golden Rule.


In fact, since primary, I heard the Golden Rule mentioned ONCE ----- and it had been changed.


The Golden Rule as I learned it when I was a child was "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".




The one time I heard it mentioned when I had grown up they changed it to "He who has the gold makes the rules".



Yeah ------ we've completely missed the point somewhere.




In Primary they taught that rule ------ and it made all the sense in the world. But grow up and you'll see they've completely forgotten about it.


It's like bait and switch.



The thing is, however, that the Golden Rule is like the or a basis of all morality ------ so it's really strange when you are in a morality organization that completely forgets about the basis of the whole thing.



So:::: what do I believe anyway?



On the surface, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints looked good, but in practice, it wasn't right and it didn't work.



I have some level of belief in Christianity ----- but I'm not really united with any group. I just do my own thing.



So::: The Church I grew up in looked good, but in practice, they failed.


There are all these different flavours of Christianity ---- who knows ------ and if history is any indication, it might look good on the surface, but it could very easily fail anyways.



I'm not an atheist ------- I guess I'm just an individual. I do my own thing, I think my own thoughts, with influences from others. But I'm not really part of any group.



But I do think Jesus had some good ideas, so I'm basically some form of non-denominational Christian I guess.

Thursday, April 16, 2020

A Potential Solution to the Mark of the Beast

1) I totally realize from all my studies that the Second Coming of Jesus Christ might have already happened a long time ago --- this message is directed towards the idea that we ourselves are going through the end times.



so:::: The Mark of the Beast, 666, a mark taken in the right hand or the forehead that allows one to buy and sell in the supposed world order to come.



I figured a solution.



So:::: the evil mark is taken in the RIGHT hand or the forehead right?



I humbly petition the powers of the world-to-be to allow the left hand to be used instead of the right.


If it is absolutely freakin' important for all of us to get RFID tags ------


Please allow the Christian community, if they are required, to use their LEFT hand ---- instead of the right hand.



I mean, the book of Revelations DID specify the right-hand right?


I suppose the left hand might be a loophole to the whole thing. Maybe. Just my thoughts.



But yes ----- I totally realize that much research has been done, and it's totally possible or even likely that the Book of Revelations is actually talking about a time long ago and that Jesus already came back.


I realize that.




But yeah ----- in the chance that the book of Revelations is for today's world::: I simply ask that if we are to be forced to take RFID chips that they can be planted in our left hands.



Solved that problem eh? :)

Tuesday, April 14, 2020

An Opportunity to Forgive

I now have a bass guitar.

My bass guitar arrived today from a courier, purchased from a local guitar store.

The guitar itself is awesome. It's good.



I'm noticing another pattern:::: there seems to be a culture of things "going wrong" when ordering guitars online and having them shipped by courier.



The problem I'm experiencing with this current delivery is minor enough that I figure I might as well get some forgiveness points from Jesus and just forgive the situation -------


I'm thinking, maybe I just won't even say exactly what the situation is.


I'll just say that guitar orders don't get the same respect that most normal online orders get ----- this has happened more than once now ----------



but it's not really a big deal so I guess I might as well just forgive it. Get Jesus' forgiveness points.



And if I'm lucky maybe the situation will rectify itself.


Whether it solves itself or not ---------- I don't really have to worry about it ----- I'm going to be OK.



As for the bass guitar itself ----- and attempting to be a bassist -----


It's the most remarkable thing ----- Just about anything you play on the bass sounds good.


There's almost no way of going wrong on this instrument ----- it almost always seems to sound good.



SO:::: I took one of the nice "bass lines" I invented on the bass and tried the same thing on my Stratocaster --------- the nice-sounding bass tune sounds so much harsher on the 6 string.



On bass, it sounds awesome.



On the 6 string, it sounds just a lot ---- well, harsher, discordant.



Anyway --- yeah ---- Bass is awesome ----- Just about anything you play will end up sounding good.



My bass guitar has two pickups ------ a "precision" pickup and a "jazz" pickup.



Right now I have a preference for the precision pickup. Just my ears I guess.


UPDATE:::::


I received word back from the Guitar Store.


I think everything's going to be OK.


At least one of the issues I found was actually not the courier's fault ---- it turns out that the guitar store likely just forgot to send one of the items I ordered.


So::: yeah, everything is now likely to be OK, great.


The guitar store will rectify the situation. Yay.


UPDATE::::


I guess I might as well add a comment on "anything you play sounds good on bass".

That comment was made because I tuned my bass a little bit wrong.

The standard tuning for a 4 String bass is E A D G.

I tuned mine to E A D E ------ I'm so used to having that one string tuned to high E on.a regular guitar it slipped my mind to tune it to G.

So:::: Yes ---- with what I was playing on EADE ---- almost anything seemed to sound good -----

But after realizing that I had wrongly tuned the high string as an E rather than a G ---- I retuned the high string to G ------


And it is a little bit more difficult to play something that sounds good now.


I'm still having fun though.


It's fun to experiment playing with my Strat and my Bass. yeah.

Thursday, April 9, 2020

Filling Out My Taxes

Kind of like how the bank offered me way too much to lend to me recently, I have another bit of mind-blowing news.


So, I've been doing my own taxes for a while now. Just a few years ---- a few years ago, I decided to stop doing it with my parents with their way of doing it and do it my own way.


Something has happened that has never happened as far as I can remember.


I entered the information for my 2019 tax year.


And yes, it's true that 2019 thus far was the best year ever (so far) for my disability program.


And who knows if it has something to do with how I've actually been trying to work.


But ---- yeah, something new has come up ----- I don't remember seeing this happening before for me::::


The tax program actually came back and told me I'm eligible for a tax refund this year in addition to the GST Credit.


Normally I just get the GST Credit.


But now, amazingly ----- somehow the calculator computed that the government actually owes me even more money now.


This is such surprising information that I decided not to send In my return yet ---- I have to show my Dad to let him help me examine if this is actually right.



It's a big surprise.



But yeah, AiSH was worth over 20k last year, and the Federal non-taxable portion of income is about 12k ------ so that leaves 8k of income that might mean something ------- and for years I donate to charity ------------ so now, supposedly, I may have something to show for it.



Yeah. I don't know if I fully understand ---- I often just fill out the numbers and let the computer do the rest.



So yeah ---- seeing a tax refund this year is really quite a surprise. I don't think it's ever happened before.



But yeah ----- I have to let my Dad examine this to make sure it's legit. Not that he and I would necessarily really know. Hah.



UPDATE 10 April 2020::::

I woke up this morning and looked closely at the tax return.

The tax program says I receive $444 in tax credits from the "Climate Action Incentive".

I looked up the Climate Action Incentive online ------- there's one thing that confuses me -----


They say you can claim only ONE Climate Action Incentive per household.


I live with my parents and brother, but I don't file my taxes with them. I am single with no dependents.


Yeah ---- all 4 of us live in one house ------ I file my taxes separately historically from the rest of them ----- but the rules say you can only have one Climate Action Incentive per household.


I think this might get confusing.


I'll have to think about it. And see what options my tax program gives me. Have a closer look.


Luckily, I have time. Hah.


MOMENTS LATER::::::


So I found the place in my tax program where I was able to tell the program NOT to enrol me in the Climate Action Incentive.


So:::: no I'm NOT get a tax refund this year.


Just a GST Credit.


And then I filed my taxes.

Sunday, March 29, 2020

What I'm Thinking

So, I've had a good long while to live my life in my house as though I were a character from The Sims.


I've had a lot of time to think.


Often, I think about the past.


I try to think about future plans::::


but in the end, I often start doing something my brother and I call "grinding about the church".


The simple fact is:::: the church is still a big enough part of my life in my home that I can't keep it out of sight and out of mind ------ I am often reminded of it in one form or another.


But I can't talk about it.


I know, the law of Alberta says we have Freedom of Speech ------ but for years and years now I've learned there are things I'm just not allowed to talk about in my own home.


I think the church had some good ideas.


When first joining the church, I wouldn't have joined unless some of the ideas sounded really good.


SO::: on the surface, the church taught some really good things.


The only problem is, not everyone in the church actually follows all those good teachings ---- and there's no way to enforce the good teachings either.



Be perfect, and forgive everyone.


It seems simple enough, and seems like a good idea ----- but it gets complicated and really hard to live by, especially when some people aren't even trying to be good.



Here's my own personal new version of those two commandments.


The original, basic version of the church is "Be perfect and forgive everything".


My new own personal version is "Be perfect as long as it makes sense, and forgive often but you may use your discretion to rebuke someone or lay down the law".


"Be perfect and forgive everything" sounds good --- but it's really an over-simplification.



Some rules or laws don't make any sense.



So be perfect as long as it makes sense.



Forgiveness is very good ---- but some things are so wrong that they should be dealt with.



So forgive often, but use your discretion to rebuke or lay down the law.



All my life in the church ------ I was ALWAYS told to forgive. Everything.



But what I found is there are times when it makes sense to use your brain, to use thoughtful judgement and then NOT forgive things.


You can still be merciful ----- but absolutely 100% forgiving everything all the time isn't always the best idea.





Part of my problem is that I can't communicate my thoughts to my parents.


I'm basically not allowed to talk about things, even in my own home.



A Psych2Go video explained what a toxic family home is like:::: and over the years a few of the signs of a toxic home have shown up in my life---------


1) Huge negativity.

2) High expectations.

3) My parents don't really listen to me.

Psych2Go made a Youtube video that was something like 5 or 6 signs your family is toxic ---- and I think I've got at least 3 of them in my own life.



But yeah, I see a psychiatrist. I often find the only people I can talk to about things are the psychiatric clinic.


So:::: the bishop had a good idea. I didn't understand at all at the time------ but the psychiatry was actually a really good idea.



I have someone to talk to.



And yes, it's a sign of toxicity when my own parents don't listen to me. If I remember the video correctly.



But yeah ----- to be honest ------- on the few occasions I've been brave enough to try to discuss the topic of Forgiveness with my Mother --------- it's never ended well.



I mean, the church says "forgive all men", that you are "REQUIRED to forgive all men" ----- forgiveness is something the church always says your always supposed to do ---------


and yet when I talk to my Mom about the topic (she's a devout temple attendee) ------ somehow the topic always seems to upset her and we can never discuss it.


Like everything else i say ---- it's discussion OVER right away.



Just my thoughts.



The church had some good ideas ------ but those ideas needed serious refinement ----- and people should actually try to actually follow their religion to see if it actually works out. You can't actually know it's true unless you've actually followed the instructions and got the right results.


Psychiatry had good ideas too ----- They've been a huge help.



Both the church and psychiatry were both wrong in their own ways ---- but they also turned out to be so good.



So, be perfect as long as it makes sense ------ neither the church nor psychiatry have a monopoly on morality.


These are just my thoughts right now.


Just having time to think.



But yeah ---- I need to get out of this house --- so it would be good if people could actually pay me for my work.



Out of 5 or 6 signs that your family is toxic, my family met at least 3 of the criteria ----- so I need to get paid to find my mind own place to live. Thanks, everyone.



(the AiSH Disability Benefit is enough to live with your parents ---- but moving out on your own is extremely difficult).

Saturday, March 21, 2020

It Seemed Illegitimate

A couple days ago our home phone received a call the call display sad was "US MEGA MILLION".

There was an appliance at the time of the answering machine message, so I just got some vague idea that we supposedly won something.

But here's the problem:::::

We are Canadian.

We are in Canada.

We don't play USA Lotteries. I haven't visited the US for a very long time.

And even if the prize was real::: the borders are closing down anyway.




Such a phone call can really play with your hopes and dreams.


But to my parents, who already deleted the answering machine message before I could get a better listen, it doesn't seem legitimate. It seems like a scam. It just doesn't make sense.


To me, in my delusional mind, I'm wondering if my PayDay is finally here ---- if I've finally struck gold karmically with all the work I've done.


Money isn't everything, especially when you already have enough to live well.


Our family is living a good life right now - we have everything we need, and we're pretty comfortable.


If I acquired a sum of money big enough, that would allow me to buy my own home, Start my own family, and broaden my horizons.


If anything I could further my business with more money ---- I might find something more to work on.


But, money isn't everything, and I realize my family is doing well enough with what we already have.


And yeah, it just plays with my hopes and dreams to finally acquire a big prize.


But our Canadian home winning a USA lottery doesn't seem realistic --- not really ----- message already deleted.



<><><><><>



As a side note, I'm going to explain a little about my view of Canadian Politics::::


My Dad is very staunchly conservative. But I think he should lighten up.


In my personal view, all major Canadian Political Parties have good ideas, and have contributed good things to our Country.


Conservatives implemented Tax-Free Savings Accounts and made Bullying Illegal.

The New Democratic Party thought up Universal Health Care and $15 minimum wage.

Though debatable, the Liberals enforced gun control laws which may have saved my life, as well as implemented anti-misgendering laws, which on the whole I think are a good idea, more or less.



There. I was able to come up with TWO THINGS from each major party which I see as good ideas and good contributions to Canadian society.


I think all the major parties have had good ideas ------- so though I was very politically minded since I was very young, maybe it is just better for me to fade off into a vague sense of political neutrality ---- basically because I see all the parties having good things to bring to the table.


Although, I personally believe "everyone is free" right now ---- which would vaguely indicate Liberalism. Not Libertarianism either, but Liberalism, the one that helps poor people.

Thursday, March 19, 2020

Prescription Renewed

Yesterday I posted a bit of speculation I had that the psychiatric clinic was going to let me off my psychiatric med, especially because I had no current prescription at that time and for a sustained period there was no prescription.


Word came in today, which is the next day, that I do have a prescription for the same stuff now finally.


so::: no luck, I'm still on the med.


At least I can chat with the doctor ----- it's nice to have someone to talk to.



And also::: there are newly found reasons why the psychiatric med might be a good thing::::


Essentially, if people are trying to make me happy (with the meds) ---- that must mean I'm a good person. Yeah.


That stems from The Book of Mormon teaching that wickedness never was happiness.


So if I'm happy, I must, therefore, be a righteous man.


But it was weird how people wanted to make me happy but at the same time, the Bishop wouldn't allow me to become an elder. Yeah, weird ----- things not totally making sense, or things not totally making sense in everyone's minds.


If I'm a bad person, then why try to make me happy?


And if I'm a good person, then why prevent me from becoming an elder?


Something to think about.

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

Saved My Life

Ever since October or November of last year, we were putting into place a plan to medicate me with an immunosuppressive treatment to treat my multiple sclerosis.

Today I had an over-the-phone appointment with my MS doctor.

Plans have changed.

My MS is so mild and with the way things are, it is unnecessary and even unwise for me to take the originally planned treatment.

I am now going to take a different treatment ---- and to be honest, this other treatment I've taken before when I was younger as an anti-acne medication.

I think I'll be OK.


I may probably now publish my "Perceptions of Prescription Medication" song on LBRY some time I'm guessing. Maybe.


In other personal medical news::::::

[I've deleted this information, see my next blog post for details]

Monday, March 16, 2020

Kind Words

I just wrote an email to my psychiatric clinic telling them I'm more sheltered as an adult than I was as a kid.


And I've noticed the kindness I've received online is actually quite uplifting to me. Thanks.


When I was a kid ----- most of the comments I heard were full of negativity ----- and I didn't like it.


In recent days I've received some positive commentary and I have to say --- that is really quite nice to hear kind things coming my direction. It makes me actually enjoy living.



I've realized that the potential immunosuppressive therapy I might end up taking is actually an opportunity to kill myself.


When I was younger, I probably would've welcomed the opportunity.


These days, life has become more bearable, even pleasant, and I'm mostly recovered from my childhood now.


I'm not suicidal anymore, even with life's current problems,


but I'm now looking at the Immunosuppressive MS therapy as an opportunity to potentially kill myself ----- and I realize I would have accepted that years ago.


Would dying be a good thing? In my mind, there is some possibility it might actually be a good thing,


but I'm enjoying life more now so I don't see why I would want to totally do that.



But yeah ----- one of those things that makes life pleasant is the positive commentary, the commentary that's not riddled with undeserved criticism.


And that has helped me enjoy life more.



Yeah::
note:


My childhood was full of negative comments, and both I and my brother ended up wanting to kill ourselves.


But positive comments are actually pleasant to receive. Yeah. I can relate to my younger self, but that's not my situation anymore. Huh.

A Comment on this Blog

I received a thoughtful comment that praised me for the good work I do on my blog.

There were several links in the comment.

They linked to Youtube videos that weren't really related to my content and seemed questionable as such.


So, thank you for your compliment, but the linked content wasn't relevant, so I deleted the post.




In today's news for me:::


I talked to my Mom today about how if people believed in God and Miracles more, then we'd see more miracles happen, and then all this worry about the pandemic wouldn't even exist.


I wrote an email to a clinic today explaining the miraculous nature of reality as I've found it, and how a certain medical treatment seems unnecessary.


If God can take care of me and heal me ----- why would expensive medical treatments be necessary?


Of course, my Mom, who is a devout Church attendee, responded with something about how God has inspired people to make all these medications at that we are expected to use them for the purposes God inspired.


To me, that doesn't add up ------ people make medications to make money.


Medications can be dangerous.



And if God can heal all, medications shouldn't be necessary.



If a person is healed miraculously of their cancer, why would they then proceed with chemotherapy anyways? I mean --- come on, accept the healing, give up on the treatment.


There might be a point where God has miraculously healed you, and you should realize that medical treatment is unnecessary.



Yeah.



If more people accepted God and Miracles, maybe more Miracles would happen ----- and if Jesus came back to earth, the whole world would be changed.



Saying you need miraculous healing and medical treatment at the same time doesn't make sense to me.


I mean, you can take the treatment until healing occurs,


but if you are miraculously healed of your cancer, you shouldn't have to keep going with chemotherapy.



How this relates to me is this::::::


I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.



But to be honest, my MS is so mild that treatment doesn't seem completely necessary.


I've gone for a good long time now without treatment and only had two or three days where I needed to walk with a cane.




When I became blind in my left eye, I repented to God and asked for healing.


I stayed blind until I saw the opthalmologist for the problem.


It was only the day that I visited the opthalmologist that my eyesight was made whole again.


It's because of that eyesight problem that I'm even in the MS clinic.


But to me, the simple fact that I was blind up to the very last second before I met the opthalmologist indicates to me that God is in complete control,


and as my MS is so mild, immunosuppressive therapy seems like a really bad idea.

Saturday, March 7, 2020

I realized something astounding

This morning I was looking at my prepaid card in my online banking when I realized that if I tweaked my budget, I WOULD be able to pay the interest on that huge card the bank offered me.

But the interest is so big that the amount of principal I'd be paying would be small enough I might end up being in debt for the rest of my life unless someone actually paid me for my games and books and music.

SO::: I COULD afford that debt ----- but I'd be in debt for a very long time, with my only chance of getting out being people actually paying me for my work -- which hasn't been a huge thing yet.

And maybe the government takes my excesses from me. Just a guess though.

That kind of debt or even temptation to get into debt isn't worth it, especially when::::


I was thinking about what exactly it is I would want to buy.


I realize I am well taken care of, I have everything I need to live.


I might want to buy a guitar, but I already have guitars so there's little point.


A new laptop might be nice, but I already have a laptop, which I barely use right now ---- so there's no point.


I have everything I need to live my life.


The only things I don't have are a house and my own family. There's only some chance that'd ever happen, but I don't think that credit card would get me there.


I don't have my own vehicle ----- but with the income I do have, it is conceivable that I might be able to buy one someday. If I want to spend that kind of money.


So::::

1) I would actually be able to afford that huge card the bank offered, but I'd be living with that debt forever until people actually paid me for the work I do. I haven't been paid much so far.

2) I'm well enough taken care of I can't think of anything I really need to buy. I think all my needs are accounted for ----- and if I save my money, then I can get some extra.


Yeah. Just an update.

Thursday, March 5, 2020

Something Astounding

I just got an email from my bank.

They're offering me a credit card.

It looks like an absolutely amazing offer.

But it's a really-really-really dangerous offer.

I'm not going to specify or go into detail, but with the credit limit they are offering me:: on my current budget, if I were to go to the limit, at the rate on that card, I wouldn't even be able to pay the monthly interest on my budget.

It's amazing, but the bank is offering me so much money at super-junk interest rates, that this credit card offer is really, really dangerous.


I've said before that I suspect my bank thinks I should be richer than I actually am. This again shows that.

I wouldn't even be able to pay the interest every month.



I personally suspect that the government takes the lion's share of my earnings, so maybe that's why the bank thinks I should be rich, but I am not.


With that kind of money, I would be able to advertise so hard and if people ripped me off I might be able to hire a lawyer with a credit limit like that.


But it's really-really risky.


Maybe the fact that I'm getting into music might make me seem like a good investment ----- but I'm not sure, though I'm more successful these days than ever before in the past, it still isn't super big or anything.


But yeah. Accepting that credit card offer would be extremely risky.


I probably won't.



In other news, I was at a restaurant with my brother today and we saw someone from church we hadn't seen for a long time.


Not much of a news story, there wasn't much to say when we met ------ but it was a friendly enough encounter.

Friday, February 28, 2020

I've written a new song

I sat down with my guitar and wrote a new song today.

I'm going to wait and see about a certain situation in my life before I release it.

It's a song about Perceptions of Prescription Drugs.

Before I release the song, I'm going to see what a certain clinic says about what treatment path I'll take.


The situation is like this::::


I've been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.


I was preparing to take a certain kind of drug, an immunosuppressant as treatment.


But Coronavirus has made it abundantly clear that weakening my own immune system is probably a really bad idea.


Right now I'm going to see if I can try a different treatment that behaves a little differently.


This other treatment was previously suggested but I had probably unjustified prejudice against it.


So now I'm willing to try it::: it seems like a much better plan.


So:::: we'll see how long it takes to get things straightened out at the MS clinic ---------


but if everything works as I'm guessing it could work, I won't be required to take the immunosuppressant and I can do one of the original drugs they suggested.


The clinic said they would actually never force me on any medication, which is good, and though my MS is pretty mild, I think it would be a good idea to get treatment for it anyway.


I could go without the meds, but I'm willing to give a certain drug a try.


I'm just waiting on information about that situation before I release my song on Perceptions of Prescription Drugs.

Friday, February 21, 2020

I Am Well Taken Care Of

I'd like to thank the world for taking such good care of me, generally speaking.

My childhood wasn't the greatest, but more or less I think society has managed to put me back together in my adulthood.

All my needs are taken care of. I am usually happy, I am usually healthy (more or less), and I even realize that I may have hit what can pretty much be referred to as a glass ceiling in life.

Youtube is great, for watching, in my eyes. I like watching Youtube.

But with things like COPPA going on, posting to Youtube is much less desirable a thing to do.

Posting to LBRY is a whole lot easier and more stress-free. LBRY makes lots of sense in a lot of ways.

But I love watching Youtube. I think Youtube provides great content and I've really enjoyed it over the years.


Posting to LBRY is pretty straightforward and stress-free, especially when you don't have to worry about COPPA.


It only makes sense that I have a platform I can post to where I don't have to worry about COPPA. That's my opinion::: if I want to post, I shouldn't have to worry about COPPA, so LBRY is great.


But yeah, I think I've hit a glass ceiling on LBRY too.


It is well known that LBRY doesn't keep track of everything that happens on their system. They really respect privacy.


Therefore, I easily don't see all the views I may have gotten. Under the LBRY system, I could have 300 views on my content, but only have 4 of them reported:::: and this is known and well documented as a possibility.



As such, with my content already ranked pretty highly in trending, ranked higher than most people's content:::: I've pretty much hit the glass ceiling.


I already realize that most people don't see the point of giving me money, but LBRY I think also may not see the point of giving me more money especially with how I already rank pretty well with what I already have::::


So yeah, my earnings have slowed to pretty much a trickle again.


Sure, I would like to buy a house, but I don't NEED a house, especially when so many people are always ranked below me ------- especially when there's very limited market capitalization to LBRY Credits ------------



So I guess I just have to accept that I'm living pretty much a good and happy life now, and there's very little more for me to achieve financially, other than to just do more content if I ever feel like it or get creative enough. I know I can't expect to get paid either.



I guess I'm good in life. I have everything I need and then some.


I do actually kind of wonder what more I could do in life, and I have a realization that I can't expect to get paid.


That is actually a very happy thing.


Wanting to do more with little expectation of payment. That is good.


It's just a matter of finding things to do, which is more difficult when I've never learned to drive a car.


I guess I'm just happy again. Happy to be doing well, happy to have hit "the top".


The top isn't really that high, but I've hit it, so I'm happy with that.


The only things I could really want more which I don't have at my level are::: my own vehicle, my own house, and my own family.


Those are the only things I don't really have now. And maybe it doesn't matter that I don't have them::: I can be happy without them.





I was thinking about all kinds of things about my life today, looking back and noticing how long it took me to achieve my current state of well-being -------


And I realized that my childhood was adverse enough that I need a place like LBRY to talk, and even then I think I have to be careful of what I say anyways, even on such a platform.


But talking about it on Youtube, I'm not certain, but I wouldn't go there with all the stuff that goes on there.


Youtube is great for watching, and LBRY is great for posting. I just shouldn't have to put up with COPPA when I post.

Monday, February 17, 2020

I Feel Tired

I don't know if I'm just feeling tired or if what I'm feeling is comparable to exhaustion --- but I've been wanting to have game days with a friend, but realize I might be feeling too worn out for the event.

Apparently, he feels worn out too ---- so we don't.

This website received hundreds of visits in the past few days ----- but the View Count on my new song on LBRY remains at 26.

LBRY is probably the one venture I've taken that's come close to being profitable ----- but despite hundreds of visitors to this website, somehow they don't take interest in my new song on LBRY like I would have hoped.

Or else, which is possible, LBRY's method of counting views isn't 100% reliable. And this may totally be the case.


But yeah ------- After all those videos on LBRY, my latest tally tells me I made about $176CAD total on the platform. That's a few days or weeks old and depends on the value of LBC.


All that work for that much money. It's encouraging because it's the best I've done pretty much ever ----

but considering how many people seem to be ignoring my new song, I think that may explain why I'm feeling tired.


All those videos for $176CAD, and though I've gotten over 10 new subscribers in the past day, none of them actually appear to have clicked on anything, strangely enough.


I guess it's starting to wear me out.

Who knows how long I'll keep doing this.


There is so much content on LBRY now, I can't help but feel my voice is getting lost in a sea of voices.

Tuesday, February 11, 2020

I've Released New Music

I guess I might as well mention this here too:::

I've released a new song called "Don't Play with Plastic Bags" on LBRY on my main @KrisAttfield channel.

The lyrics version is free.

The instrumental version costs 90 cents worth of LBRY Credits.

For an early attempt to compose, and in such a short period of time, I think I did a pretty good job.

Check it out!



LBRY dot com is where you can find a client to view the material.

Or you can visit LBRY dot TV for the web-based version of the service.

Sunday, February 9, 2020

A Note on my Happiness

So, like I said in my previous post::: Things I feel like saying which aren't that important.


I just finished watching some Youtube.


I feel so happy and contented with my life.


I came up with a reason in the past week or so to stay on my Psychiatric Medication:::


Initially, when I first saw the doctor, the goal was to make me happy again.


Well, The Book of Mormon says "Wickedness never was happiness".


If people are trying to make me happy,


and I do feel happy with my life,


Then that must mean I'm not a sinner, according to that Book of Mormon quote.


I do try to be a good person.


But if righteousness and happiness are a binary value versus wickedness and sadness -----


Considering people wanted me to be happy, I guess I'm a righteous man then.


It does get confusing how the church would reject me from progressing in the priesthood if the desire for happiness actually indicates righteousness --------


But hey, I've now understood that appearances can be deceiving, so therefore in all likelihood, the church was meant to be "The perfect place for imperfect people".


Yeah, it's confusing::::


The church claimed to be a place of high standards.


And the perfect place for imperfect people.


That is a confusing thing, but I've realized now that the church gives priority to those who struggle to be good and gets rid of those who actually do that which is good,


So, therefore, the church might actually be a good place for imperfect people.


Therefore if I'm not a sinner, then the church isn't for me.


If wicked people are always unhappy,


then my happiness must mean I'm righteous.


The church is for the imperfect, which means they turfed me when I achieved a good state.



That's the best way I can understand it.



(Right now Grammarly tells me I sound sad --- which is weird because I am actually happy. I feel so contented. And now that I've written this, that emotion icon has disappeared. Huh).

Sunday, February 2, 2020

My Evaluation of the Trial Run

So::: it's been a while, I've made several blog posts on LBRY --- what do I think?


Only a few of you seem to have taken interest in the new blog (which makes me wonder how many of you are robots).


BUT ---- I actually get paid in fake money on my new blog, whereas I get very little to nothing from this blog.


BUT --- I enjoy making posts on this blog and seeing Youtube respond with relevant related content. Youtube responding to my writing has been a very cool feature for me --- I've learned so much.


This is how I think I'm going to work it::::


I will use different types of posts for different types of things on my mind.


My biggest ideas, my "aha!" moments, will be turned into LBRY videos.


My big news stories, such as things that have happened and everything that's "important" but not important enough for a video, will be put on the LBRY channel @KrisAttfieldBLOG.


So::: what about this blog? I think I still have a use for it:::: all the small stuff on my mind that I feel I want to share with the world.


The reason I might have small things on my mind that I want to share with the world is because sometimes I just have thoughts or feelings that no one is really going to care about, which aren't worth writing blog posts over or sending email about, but it is on my mind and I want to say it.


An example is this:::

<><><>

It's 2:40AM right now, I just spent this early morning learning a new piece of music on my harmonica. So much fun. I enjoy it so much. I really recommend learning an instrument. Besides my niece, I'm probably the first member of my family who became really musical ---- and it's been wonderful.


<><><>

That's a true story, and it's also the kind of post I think I would post on this blog::: things I want people to know about, but things that people probably don't care about.


Things I want to say but are not really that important. That's what I think this blog will be for.


For bigger news stories there's my LBRY channel @KrisAttfieldBLOG.

For my biggest ideas or "aha!" moments, there's videos on @KrisAttfield on LBRY.


And for selling video games there's @KrisAttfieldGAMES on LBRY.


So:::


I wrote this blog post to give my current evaluation, and to say I still have some use for this blog, as well as give an example of the kind of thing I would still post on this blog.


It's just so good, I've found it very useful, to post something here and see what Youtube has to say on the topic. I've really enjoyed that.