Thursday, December 26, 2019

My Christmas

Yesterday was Christmas.

I recently said I now believe in freedom rather than equality ---- Christmas exemplified that perfectly.

My father and I both had half-filled stockings and no gifts.

My mom had two or three gifts and no stocking (and she still hasn't opened them either).

Only my brother had a fully filled stocking and a gift.

OK.

But seriously, I told everyone beforehand that this Christmas I wasn't buying gifts ------- I ended up just getting some cheap toys for the kids,

and "a Christmas elf teleported into my bedroom" and gave me a backgammon board game.

Christmas was all it had to be ---- this year I didn't see the point in doing large amounts of splurging.




My main stocking stuffers outside of candy and chips were:

1) Acoustic Guitar Strings

2) A Canadian Folk Music Coin

3) A video from my dead Grandpa's 90th birthday

4) a $25 gift card.



That was my Christmas. Besides the party we had.



But after the party was over, I was thinking, and though nobody wanted to hear it, I tried pointing this out::::


My Patriarchal Blessing from the church told me the missionaries would pronounce blessings to heal the sick.

And though I suffered from a severe illness, I don't remember anyone from the church ever trying to bless me with a healing.

My Dad even gave me a blessing once that said again that my patriarchal blessing would come true -----

and the blessing said the missionaries would heal the sick ------- yet this has never happened.

I'm pretty sure I've managed to get myself back to this level of mental health by essentially blessing or praying myself back to health. No blessings from the missionaries.

All the church ever did was force me on drugs for believing in miracles and tell me not to believe in God anymore --- they did this through psychiatry. They told me to see the psychiatry so it is their own fault I was treated this way.

No blessings to heal me though.



I suppose the condition the patriarch placed on this part of the blessing was this::::

"If you are faithful and keep the Lord's Commandments" then the missionaries will heal the sick.


I really tried believing in the church. It wasn't faithfulness that was my problem.


I guess I wasn't keeping the commandments well enough or something. It's weird how the church couldn't just forgive me for that either.


This is the church that says they forgive everything, yet normal male hormones couldn't just be forgiven it seems.


Masturbation is apparently so offensive to the church that there's no way they could just forgive it and heal the sick.


They're trying to be like Jesus -------- and though Jesus forgave sinners and healed the sick ----- the church wasn't about to do the same I guess.



Anyway ------ I was just thinking about that stuff last night, how the blessing said something, and how the church completely avoided actually doing it.


They gave me a blessing, and they wouldn't allow it to come true. It could have come true I think, but the church ended up making every effort to make sure it didn't come true. Huh.


I guess masturbation is just really, really offensive to them or something.

Thursday, December 19, 2019

Feeling some Schizophrenia again

So::: a few days ago I started feeling well enough and then seeing my brother do poorly enough that I started to believe in freedom rather than equality.


Well, some equalization has come along.


Though I'm still doing better than when my sickness was at its worst many years ago ----


today I learned another new song on the Harmonica, and then I could feel my brain start to - how do I explain this?


As a schizophrenic, part of my problem is that I may be skilled and expert at something, but all of the sudden the information, the knowledge, the talent, will just disappear from my mind, and I'll draw a blank.


today this started to happen with my harmonica music, although it was only mild, especially because I was able to find the tabs again and re-practice myself.


But this is a problem. I learn so much, I think I'm doing so well --

Then wham, my brain starts to basically completely forrget everything I just learned, even though I was basically an expert just moments ago.


So::: I still have some kind of problem.


It felt almost as if there was a mystical force equalizing me with my brother, whose problems are a bit worse than my own.


A pity really. I try to pray for him to get better. anyway --- I don't need to say much about that situation. it is what ti is.


And yeah, I'm actually a little bit bugged that there seemed to be like a mystical force bringing me closer down to his level.

I was doing so well, and wham, I start losing my memories and expertise very quickly.

Can't he be equalized up to my level rather than me down to his? that would be nice.

Monday, December 16, 2019

I Am Joyful

I was thinking about Christmas Gifts for the nieces and nephews this year -

I figured musical instruments were a good idea -

but my parents warned me especially about my two younger nephews, that they're too young and would likely destroy the instruments.


And though I'm no longer planning to buy instruments for the kids, as I was searching for gifts I came across a place that sells HARMONICAS.


I borrowed some money from my Dad, and researched the topic a bit, and bought a diatonic harmonica in the key of C.


I've had the harmonica for only a few days now, but I am having a blast with it.


Making music is so much fun. I highly recommend learning to play an instrument.


So, right now it's 3:04AM and I'm not tired anymore ---- and I want to play but I know I can't.


I do, however, feel so much joy, especially about the music, and I just thought it's nice to share the gift of music, and to encourage people to learn to play because of how awesome it is.


I remember in the past The Avril Lavigne Foundation had a thing for buying musical equipment for disabled kids.


I completely understand why now.


It's magical how music can lift your spirits, even more so if you learn to play yourself.



So now I know some guitar and some harmonica. I'm over the moon with happiness.


The fun of learning new songs ----- and the fun of practising playing the songs ----- and then performing ------- it's all good.



So happy.


Merry Christmas.

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

My New Alignment

So: for better or for worse, I am now, regardless of whether anyone cares or not, announcing my new alignment.


HISTORY::::

When I was a kid, I was very conservative, basically because I grew up in a Conservative Locale with Parents who were conservative.


I experienced so many problems growing up and all the church would do is require me to forgive, that I became disabled. I couldn't handle life anymore.


I was basically oppressed ------ and that lead me to socialism.



Yeah --- it's weird, I was technically supposed to be some kind of elite conservative (high grades in school and doing my best to do my best at what I'm supposed to do) --------- but conservatism didn't make any sense anymore to me when my own sister is involved in oppressing me and I'm not allowed to do anything about it.



So::::: I became disabled, and I felt that in order to increase my position in life, a rise in position in life would be equality, which meant socialism. (I was basically lower class growing up ----- socialism would only improve my circumstance).



So::::::: What is my new alignment now?



Now that I've largely recovered from schizophrenia, and when I look at my own brother with how ill he is or has been --------- I realize that people aren't actually equal.


He and I are or were both schizophrenic ------ but even he and I, same family, same sex, same disease, even though in so many ways we may be considered similar::::: simple fact is we are not equal.


From my perspective, there's a clear difference between me, having largely recovered, and him, when he's having severe problems.


Equality is a myth.


I still believe in helping the poor. I believe in a certain amount of equalization. But I don't believe in equality. Not anymore.



Socialism serves a purpose:::: to help the oppressed. I'm not really oppressed so much anymore ----- and I've come to realize that equality is just a myth. It's not real. People are different.




So::::: I've decided I believe people are FREE.  As near as I can tell, without having a great deal of knowledge about everything ------ I am now a Liberal. (not a card-carrying Liberal, just a Liberal in my heart).


I believe in freedom.



Are there problems with freedom and Liberalism?


The one big problem is this:::: some people make bad choices with their freedoms.



But that's preferable to me compared to Conservatism.


In Conservatism, the elite decision-makers decide what is right and wrong.


If the Elite Decision-makers make a bad choice ---- that affects everyone poorly.



But in Liberalism, if an individual makes a bad choice ----- it affects fewer people.



I'm just speaking from having a limited understanding of these ideas and what my mind thinks about how I suppose it.



A reason I don't believe in following the leader can be exampled by something at church:::::



The Leader says it is wrong to masturbate.



But I am completely unable to adequately follow that rule.



This did not result in a good situation.



For the simple reason that the elite decision-makers might do something wrong, I am now going with the Liberals.



And I'm just referring to my vague idea in my own mind of what a Liberal would be ---- since I might not know everything.



If a Conservative leader makes a poor decision, it affects everyone poorly.

Socialism may help the oppressed, but realistically equality is a myth.

Liberalism says people are free. People may make bad choices, but it shouldn't be as devastating as if a top leader made a bad choice for everyone else.





And my version of Liberalism is the one where there is some equalization provided ----- Where there is care taken for the poor. I believe in helping the poor.



Yeah.



Conservatism is dangerously dictatorial.

Socialism propagates what is essentially a myth.

And Liberalism lets us more or less choose for ourselves.



There you go.



I'm aligning myself now with some vague sense of Liberalism.

9 Years Later

Today I had an answering machine message.

Someone wanted to talk to me about my book.

I looked up the name on the call display.

It's a digital marketing company that has a specialty for books.


It's nice to see someone validate my humanity -----

but just earlier today I was talking to my brother about why there are no Convenience Store owners in our church -------- everything has to be forgiven, therefore people would just rob the store and the church owner wouldn't be allowed to do anything about it.


It's kind of the same with my book business:::: It's really hard to sell books when 7/10 people don't have money, when piracy is rampant and you've always been told all your life just to forgive everything.


Even if people take interest in my work, I can't sell squat ------ Piracy rules the realm and I've never been issued any permission to do anything about any problems.


And if my brain had any concerns about the church ----- Youtube took care of that ------- I was able to be psychologically validated in the past years with information that helped me have a greater understanding of church problems.


My book, to me, feels like something to be left in the past. It doesn't seem totally important anymore.


It's an interesting yet horrible story, which people found very interesting yet they also hated it. Supposedly.


I just don't see the point of my book at this stage now. It's 9 years later, there hasn't been any success so far,, and I don't see entirely how my book would even be relevant anymore.


It's definitely an interesting story ------ but there have been so many other people talking about similar topics -------- it doesn't seem totally necessary anymore.


It just feels like something to be left in the past right now. Besides, I'm not able to actually sell it.



Anyway::: the above are just a bunch of reasons why I'm not taking interest in hiring a digital marketing firm to market my 9-year-old book.



But it is nice to have my humanity validated by someone who seemingly offered to help.

Monday, December 9, 2019

A New Trend?

Something odd has been happening.


The last 3 or 4 people I've come across who appear to be financially down on their luck or who appear to be homeless::::

They're not begging anymore.


I'm a very willing helper to panhandlers ----- I'll often share -------- and for a long time it was always expected that eventually, someone would come along who needs help ----------


but the last 3-4 people I've come across who appeared to be homeless or doing poorly ---- NONE of them were begging!


In my heart, I immediately realize it would be good to offer help ------- but when they don't ask for help the idea of just giving money away seems very odd at that point.



Anyway ------ just a strange new trend -------- The "homeless" have stopped looking for handouts. Huh.



Also worth noting is that on each of these occasions where I saw these 3-4 people, someone else was already somehow attending to the individual. I don't know what they were doing together, but I didn't feel necessary in any situation.

Saturday, December 7, 2019

Curing the Memories

Yesterday I think it was I was laying in bed, and my mind was just running through all kinds of problems I had as a kid.


And I just came to a realization:::: there were just so many problems in my childhood, that going through a list of everything would take up so much time, and I'd probably start repeating myself, so I might as well just forget those problems and let them be in the past - behind me.


After I told myself that ------ I was able to spend the rest of the day with a clear mind, being able to look at life without a bunch of baggage in my head.


It probably helps that within the past week or two I just said in my mind "I forgive my sister". Just letting it all go.


And the really-really great thing about this is whenever I'm around my sister now, as a grown-up, she's like a completely different person.


She is MUCH MUCH nicer to be around now. These days I can actually accept that she's a member of my family.


Childhood is over. And I should forget about it.



I guess this blog post is basically about how I'm miraculously coming to a point where all kinds of problems from my childhood aren't haunting me all day anymore.


I must've spent over a decade trying to recover from childhood ------ so, yeah, here I am::: Finally in a place where I can rationally tell my mind that there's no end to the list, and it's just a waste of time to go through and remember all the problems.



So, my brain is feeling clearer and free-er now. Yay.

Wednesday, December 4, 2019

First World Problems and another dream

So::: yesterday I thought I was going to publish a story entitled "First World Problems on Giving Tuesday" ----- but I didn't have the time and eventually decided against it.

I'll give the short of it in this post::::

I accidentally paid my cell phone bill twice in one month, so donating anything seemed really difficult. At least I've got my monthly $78 payment to Plan Canada assuage giving anguishes.




So:::::


Last night I had a dream.


I dreamt I went to a clinic.


Pretty quickly Avril Lavigne was also at the clinic. She was making music while I roller skated around.


For some reason, there were a whole bunch of blind people at the clinic. It didn't make sense because the clinic in my dream was NOT the ophthalmologist. But anyway --- it's a dream.


At the end of the dream, Avril Lavigne just *poof* vanished, right before my eyes --- as I am roller skating past her.

That was the end of the dream.

I guess that's a better dream.




As for the last dream I had with the two dogs who looked angry but didn't actually bite me ------

I have since learned that my sister is moving to a new property where the Landlord owns two dogs that run around.

Maybe that's what it was ---- something about two dogs with the Landlord or something. Yeah.




So yeah ---- last night's dream was pretty cool -------- Roller Skating with Avril Lavigne at a public health clinic. Yeah. :)