Monday, November 11, 2019

What is the trouble?

So:::

I watched a youtube video this morning about Crimes with Paranormal backstories.


I realize the story of my life is something like that ---- though not exactly the same.


The worst I actually did was be too horny ----- just like any man.


It was GOD who did all the worst stuff I perceived happened.


And because I'm schizophrenic I can't even know if my perceptions are actually real.


The whole thing is pretty insane.


I, myself, have almost always tried to be a good boy, deliberately. Doing what I think or what I'm supposed to understand is right.


I was educated in the church and educated with the rest of society. Those two moral systems can clash in a number of ways.


I often tried to do what I understood to be right ------ and to me, it seemed like so many people around me weren't even going to try to be good people, especially as children.


A good thing I took from Church teachings when I was a kid was to essentially attempt to be perfect ever since baptism. I was trying so hard. And yes ---- everything gets all messed up in this way and that ------- especially when you find out the church isn't quite right,


But I will say that I was usually trying so hard to understand morality and do the right thing.


When I saw bad behaviour in people around me, that only encouraged me to want to propagate morality.



And yeah ----- in the end it all gets messed up.



All the philosophy and behaviour going around made me have "The coherence of a mental patient".





So yeah ------- my life is a big mess, I was trying to be a good and moral person,


especially as the church encouraged me to follow that path ---- but the church itself became questionable.




If it's a crime to be horny, then that's the biggest crime I've probably physically committed.


God did all the worst stuff unless my perceptions of reality are whacko.



and yeah, I think I did get haunted ------- sometimes I wonder about lights I notice, while in my early 20s I would have sex with ghosts. Yeah.



Nothing makes sense about this to anyone I'm sure.




A church that taught the miraculous reality that sent me to doctors who don't believe in miracles.
(I should point out that the D&C actually says you shouldn't do that).


Nothing made sense.


I try to do the right thing with my life and efforts. Sometimes situations in life just aren't very good or don't make any sense. Yeah.



Of course, Linkin Park says "I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter" ---- so who knows.

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