I do see a psychiatrist. It has helped.
It's clear now why I need and needed professional help:::::
Even just living with memories of my childhood is hard.
It's just difficult psychologically, in my mind, to remember some of the things that happened. It's not pleasant simply having memories.
Here's two memories from in my own home::::::
1) When I was about 13 years old, I think I was 13, my sisters were in their bedroom screaming. I wanted them to be quiet. I told them multiple times to be quiet. They never listened.
They just wouldn't listen or respond to my simple little request for them to be quiet.
In the end my parents told me to stop asking ------ and they just continued.
This experience has haunted my mind for a very long time now. In later years the pain is wearing off a bit ------- but just having this experience, and then remembering this experience, has never helped my brain.
2) When I was in my last month as a 16 year old ---- just a couple weeks or so before turning 17 ------- My sisters and their friends decided they wanted to deliberately drive me crazy.
I had always been told to forgive my whole life. I wasn't allowed to do a thing about it.
They yelled all this nonsense as though it were a magical spell meant to drive me mad.
I saw the situation as so disrespectful that shortly after I DID actually go mad. And years later the memory haunts me about their behaviour and lack of respect.
There are other things that went wrong in my childhood as well -------
But these are two experiences that I clearly remember which haunt me to this day -------- it's difficult living with the fact that my sisters were so disrespectful growing up.
Yeah ---- I think I am needing the professional help I get -------- just living with these memories alone is hard enough.
So much went wrong. It's like people weren't even trying to be good people.