Monday, September 30, 2019

Guess Who I thought I saw today?

Well, after writing that last post about needing professional help and the bad memories I suffer from ----

I went to a hospital.

I got my picture taken at the hospital. (diagnostic imaging).

The whole thing more or less went well enough ---------

But as I was walking out of the diagnostic imaging center ----- I saw someone.

Seated right there, in the waiting room,

looked just like Avril Lavigne's Ex-Husband Chad Kroeger.

I've been at a different hospital numerous times before and thought I saw Avril Lavigne herself on those visits -------

but this time the guy sitting in the waiting room looked like her ex-husband.

Yes ----- that brought a smile to my face.

On the way home my Dad called my Mom's cell ---- and I picked up.

I told my Dad who I thought I saw.

My Dad asked if I went to ask him who he was.

My Dad is more extroverted than me, so it's more natural for him to be more conversational ------

I'm introverted, so I'm just happy to see the likeness but have no drive to actually talk to anyone.

Even when I for sure met Avril in person at one of her concerts ------- I didn't even talk to her, I just grunted and walked out of the room.

Anyway. yeah.

Today I thought I saw Chad Kroeger at the hospital. It looked just like him. Yeah.

As for the medical condition we're having inspected:::::

I have my suspicions that I'll be OK.  The symptoms have not persisted.

Needing Professional Help

I do see a psychiatrist. It has helped.

It's clear now why I need and needed professional help:::::

Even just living with memories of my childhood is hard.

It's just difficult psychologically, in my mind, to remember some of the things that happened. It's not pleasant simply having memories.

Here's two memories from in my own home::::::

1) When I was about 13 years old, I think I was 13, my sisters were in their bedroom screaming. I wanted them to be quiet. I told them multiple times to be quiet. They never listened.

They just wouldn't listen or respond to my simple little request for them to be quiet.

In the end my parents told me to stop asking ------ and they just continued.

This experience has haunted my mind for a very long time now. In later years the pain is wearing off a bit ------- but just having this experience, and then remembering this experience, has never helped my brain.

2) When I was in my last month as a 16 year old ---- just a couple weeks or so before turning 17 ------- My sisters and their friends decided they wanted to deliberately drive me crazy.

I had always been told to forgive my whole life. I wasn't allowed to do a thing about it.

They yelled all this nonsense as though it were a magical spell meant to drive me mad.

I saw the situation as so disrespectful that shortly after I DID actually go mad. And years later the memory haunts me about their behaviour and lack of respect.

There are other things that went wrong in my childhood as well -------

But these are two experiences that I clearly remember which haunt me to this day -------- it's difficult living with the fact that my sisters were so disrespectful growing up.

Yeah ---- I think I am needing the professional help I get -------- just living with these memories alone is hard enough.

So much went wrong. It's like people weren't even trying to be good people.

Thursday, September 26, 2019

Talked to my Mom

So, this morning, without my Dad around, I tried explaining to my Mom how The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints' definition of forgiveness is different from the rest of the world's definition of forgiveness.

I tried explaining that most of the world believe forgiveness refers to the removal of punishment for an offence.

I tried explaining that the non-Standard church's definition of forgiveness refers to not feeling grudges or resentment ---- but that punishment will still happen anyway.

She then explained to me that when we repent, Jesus will forgive us, which means we will essentially mean we will not be punished for our sin.

I tried explaining to her that she's still operating under normal Christianity with those ideas ---- and then I gave two examples of when I did something wrong, repented, and still got punished by the church anyway ----- they were required to forgive me, but they still punished me at the same time.

She doesn't seem to understand what I'm trying to tell her.

Anyway ------- so all these years my Mom has been going to the Church and the Temple ---- she's been under a completely false impression of what the doctrine is.

She realized how screwed up I am about this stuff --------- but her impression of what the church's doctrine is doesn't quite match reality and she's been doing all this church stuff for YEARS (like, 34 or 35 years now) without the slightest idea of what the Church actually means with what they say.

The Church's definition of Forgiveness is different than the way that most of the world defines Forgiveness.

My Mom still hasn't come to this realization, after 34 years, and it's not enough for me to just tell her and give examples.

She's still operating in a Christian Mindset ------ she still hasn't figured out exactly what her own Church was trying to teach.

Anyway. Yeah.

The reason it was important to mention that my Dad was not around as I tried to tell her this stuff is this:::::

My Dad can't seem to handle ANY TALKING AT ALL.

As soon as I start trying to explain the differences between Christianity and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 99% of the time he will automatically try to shut down my discussion or go off in a different direction with what I was just saying.

I'm just saying it's very difficult to say anything at all with my Dad around.

And though my Dad wasn't around, the meaning of what I said still didn't get through to my Mom.

She's had the wrong idea for pretty much as long as I've been alive.

There are definitely confusions about the differences between Christianity and what the Church teach and believe ------ and I had to put up with that confusion all m life.

Sunday, September 22, 2019

Can't sleep

It's 3AM right now and I'm not very sleepy, so I'll write a post about computing.

I installed Ubuntu 18.04 on my 1.4ghz Mac Mini.

LBRY plays videos flawlessly on that system.

While LBRY is stop-and-go on the 1.6ghz NUC with the same operating system.

It might be because the 1.4ghz mac hyperthreads while the NUC doesn't, or maybe it's that the mac has more and better cache than the NUC.

Whatever it is, the slower 1.4ghz machine runs LBRY better than the 1.6ghz machine.

Interesting eh?


So for a good while, anything that got good support on LBRY from me would get sales and tips ----- people seemed to just love me.

But with my recent publish of The Bananatree Brothers nobody's nibbled ---- not even the game trailer got any views.

Maybe it's because I priced it at 50 cents.  It's priced at 40 cents now.

Or maybe there's less than 4.4mllion CAD worth of LBRY Credits in existence and the Credits are scarce for most people. I can understand that.

Or maybe it's just that most people don't have two controllers or two people willing to play. That might be it too.

Whatever it is, I guess I can take a slight break as I myself get two more controllers for playing Coconuts versus Bananas (a 4 player game). If the two player game won't sell, it's even less likely that the 4 player game will sell. No need to rush.

But thanks everyone for all your support on my previous projects ------ it just made me so happy to see people take such interest in my work!

Not sure what else to talk about. I was just thinking about how I need to make my money in order to buy things I would like to have.

Who knows:::: maybe there's some spiritual aspect to me selling lots before and now I'm not selling anything.

For the while I was selling stuff:::: My mom was away on a trip and my Dad was at home.

It's my Dad who really supports my business efforts.

While now my Mom is at home and my Dad is on a trip::::: and my Mom refused to ask God for help making money.

Maybe it's spiritual.

Maybe having the soul of a man who actually wants something same as I do was good for business,

While having the soul of a person around who does not want the same was bad for business.


Saturday, September 21, 2019

My Reasoning This Election

So, being here in Alberta::: Conservatism is a big thing.

But Youtube has been reminding me about what Jesus actually taught.

"Sell all that you have and give to the poor"

"Forsake all".

With those two arguments from Jesus Christ in mind, it only seems most reasonable to me, at least, to support the Green Party this election.

If the climate change science is true::: then the Green Party might be our best bet.

If climate change science is wrong::: it's still a good idea to reduce reliance on non-renewable resources anyway.

As well as the Greens want to finally implement a Guaranteed Minimum Income for all Canadians, which is basically a name for Universal Basic Income -----------

And that is a really, really good idea.

If UBI had existed when I was young, maybe I could have avoided Psychiatry altogether ---- I may have been a more functional person if I had some idea my family had an income back then.

I had many pressures on me when I was 17 years old ----- but a big one was knowing my family was unemployed and I had a zillion things to do ----- without funding.

It was enough to drive me insane.

if we actually had a minimum basic guaranteed income back then, my mind would have had greater peace knowing I was financially taken care of, and my problems would not have been exacerbated by a lack of funding.

I think there's some possibility I might have completely avoided going insane and psychiatry altogether if only my family had an income in those days.

No income::: Everything seems impossible::: I go mad.

With income:::: Everything might've seemed a bit more manageable ::::: I might've kept my sanity.

Anyway::::: This Canadian Federal Election, it's looking like the Green Party are my favourites, so far it seems.

Friday, September 20, 2019

I've re-published The Bananatree Brothers

This morning I published The Bananatree Brothers on LBRY.

The client can be found at LBRY dot com.

The game costs 50 cents worth of LBRY credits to buy.

The game is for two players and requires two gamepads to be played on a single computer.

It is the two-player version of Blaine Bananatree.

For Mac Windows and Linux.

The LBRY channel is at KrisAttfieldGAMES.

Monday, September 16, 2019

How Accurate are my Memories?

So::: I was thinking that I should probably keep my nose out of telling people who to vote for this election.

This is especially true since over the past couple months I've repeatedly changed my mind.

I was just thinking about when I was young, in elementary school, learning about democracy.

I have memories of being very politically interested as a kid, although I was in a sense "brainwashed" by my conservative surroundings.

I have a memory of a provincial election I think I remember happened when I was in elementary school. I'm pretty sure it was a provincial election.

I told my Dad about my Memory, and he says I'm wrong.

But then again ---- I have other memories of things that I'm pretty sure happened, and my Dad has also told me I'm wrong about those memories as well. But ---- my Dad wasn't actually there when those things happened, so how accurate can he possibly be in his opinion?

Anyway ----- My memory of this provincial election is me asking me Dad who he voted for ----- My memory is a sense of disappointment that he did not vote conservative like everyone else.

But ---- today my Dad tells me he never actually voted for the party I thought I remembered he said he voted for.

So::: Either my Dad lied somewhere, or I'm having memory problems.

Interesting though, is that the party I remember he said he voted for (but now he denies this memory) is the same party I'm currently considering today.

I don't know. He's not a 100% accurate guy I know, so either he lied somewhere, or I'm wrong.

Ah --- I also have memories of meeting Jesus and seeing Angels ------- and people have told me I'm wrong about that too --------- So who knows anymore.

Anyway ----- I have a memory which is apparently very sketchy because my Dad denies it now ----- but it's just me somehow getting the impression that he wasn't always a Conservative.

Actually, and I'm pretty sure of this because we had physical evidence of it in the house ---- my Dad did actually run for Member of Legislative Assembly once (MLA) ----- and he did NOT run as a Conservative! And he lost (of course)! I'm pretty sure of this memory because of the evidence in our house I clearly saw time and time again --- but when he did this I don't think I was born yet.

My Dad just reminded me of something ------ he and I both signed nomination papers once for someone we knew who wanted to run for this party which I am considering today and I thought I was once told he once voted for. He and I both remember this incident.

But I have a memory of my Dad telling me something when I was a kid, and he told me I was wrong today.

No idea.

Other memories I'm pretty sure about he's told me I'm wrong about before too -------

And then there's my paranormal memories which also I have been told I was wrong about.


Well, I was so young for the memory in question I guess I could easily have gotten it wrong over all that time. I guess.

But, I do know 100% that though we have been heavily influenced by our conservative surroundings, we haven't been 100% conservative, and I know this about my Dad because he once ran for a party that wasn't the conservative party. Yeah.

And I guess that's all I have to say about politics now, without trying to tell anyone what to think, especially because I myself am trying to make up my mind. But I have ideas.

Friday, September 13, 2019

I've re-released Blaine Bananatree

My old OUYA game Blaine Bananatree is now up on LBRY for Mac, Windows and Linux.

You'll NEED a gamepad connected to your computer to play.

The channel is @KrisAttfieldGAMES.

It costs about 30 cents of LBRY credits to buy.

The LBRY client can be found at

It's exciting to have a good way to be able to publish games again. Yay.

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Maybe I'll Post an update

I said in a past post that I was subsidizing someone else's new equipment so I can get their old equipment for myself to use.

That process is now complete.

My 1.4ghz Mac Mini which I was using as my Unity 4 Dev machine has been replaced by a superior model.

And I have to say, the superior model does run so much better.

I now have my 1.4ghz mini set aside as what I'll call a "testing console". To me, it just makes sense to wipe everything on the hard drive, start from scratch, and just use it for testing.

But with a clean install of the OS, the 1.4ghz mini actually runs pretty well ---- as long, I'm sure, as you aren't doing anything too arduous.

I said in another recent post that I released Air Defence on LBRY and that it has a bug in the mac version and you can't use the keyboard controls.

I'm thinking I might actually release an update.

Upon inspecting a bit more about how LBRY works, I figure it's possible that I can release an update, and that'll make everything so much nicer.

Unfortunately, we'll have to wait about a week --- the only Windows PC in our house belongs to my Mom, and she's away for a while, so I might not be able to test on Windows until she gets back.

I've also done some work on Blaine Bananatree. It's coming along.

Last night I went to sleep thinking very sad thoughts about how no one ever really liked me. I know that's probably not true, but childhood was hard enough and it was just difficult to see an end to tipping.

But then I got another tip. And Air Defence is on the Trending Page. I'm sorted out now. Yay.


I was actually able to test on Windows before my Mom came back --- so last night I released v1.01 of Air Defence on LBRY. Yay!!

The LBRY system is more versatile than I originally imagined it to be.

At first, I thought version control was going to be very difficult ---- but it's actually very easy.


Monday, September 9, 2019

Maybe People Just don't like me

So::: I posted some stuff on LBRY ----- you can earn LBRY credits from sales and tips on that platform ------

I was getting some good tips from some of my videos.

I even sold two copies of Air Defence.

And now all the activity has stopped.

For the past while, there haven't really been tips or sales.

And I think it's just kind of weird how I earned more credits from tips than I did from game sales. That is kind of wind.

Maybe I'm just suffering from that "like like like" dopamine disorder right now.

They say that when people get lots of likes on Facebook that makes them feel good, but when the likes stop they feel depressed.

It's the same for me right now on LBRY. I was getting some pretty good tips for a while. And now that seems to have stopped.

Must be the same kind of thing going on in my brain.

It kind of makes me wonder if people don't like me.

And then I look back on my life and realize, yet again, that even in my own family, my own siblings didn't really like me from early childhood.

No, I just have to think that maybe LBRY credits are in short supply for most people and they just can't pay me.

Or I have to think that they don't have gamepads to play my game with (my game requires a gamepad).

Or maybe they just don't like my preview video. The game might not look interesting enough.

It should be nothing new to me that people don't like me or a dearth of sales ---- that's nothing new ----

But getting all kinds of tips for a little while felt so good

and then it all stopped. And now I'm feeling it. Like that "like like like" Facebook dopamine problem.

I mean, I try to look at my life's story, and see if there's any one spot in my story that might make people dislike me -----------

but that might have nothing to do with it, I realize (with the scarcity of LBC issue), and I also just know that my own siblings didn't really like me from a very young age -------

So people not liking me, in my own thinking, can't entirely be my own fault ---------- it's just that there's a long history of people being jerks to me in my youth and that might just be expectable.

But people not paying me isn't jerkish-ness. It's not

It's just scarcity. People are in debt and poor, and there are a zillion different videos to donate to on LBRY. Rewards are in short supply, especially when compared to my game price.

So, maybe I've already had my success. Maybe LBRY just hasn't grown very big.

There are all kinds of factors why the payments could have stopped -------

the first idea that comes to mind is people don't like me, but then again, people never have,

so it's probably just an economics of scarcity issue.

Is just that "like like like stop" dopamine disorder I guess.

Sunday, September 8, 2019

Slow Machines

I just thought I'd post a commentary about what it's like to use the low-end computing technology.

Right now I'm trying to start Unity 4 on my 1.4ghz mac mini.

It's taking a long time. Very slow. Definitely not a development machine. I have to use my 1.4ghz mac right now in order to do what I'm planning on doing in Unity 4 ------ but if I had a good choice, I'd probably try to use something with more clockspeed.

And then there's my 1.6ghz Intel NUC running Ubuntu.

It's a pretty nice machine, except for running LBRY.

When trying to watch videos on LBRY on the NUC, well, it's I guess what you might call "Choppy". It can't play continuously through the whole video.

What you have to do on the NUC to watch LBRY videos is download the video, and then close LBRY and watch the video in the Totem video player.

Because I'm not super-wealthy, I was attracted to the cheaper hardware.

That hardware is really only good for pretty much browsing, email, spreadsheets and word processing. And simple games.

Something complex like the Unity 4 development or LBRY and the processors just can't handle it very well.

But I guess I'll survive.

Tuesday, September 3, 2019

I've Re-Published Air Defence

Well, with the advent of LBRY I figured I could publish my video games again.

So I published Air Defence for Mac, Windows and Linux.

It's available on LBRY on the @KrisAttfieldGAMES channel.

Be sure to read the README before buying. is the website of the platform.

I've already had one person buy the game:::: and now we're lamenting that I didn't have the foresight to put in full keyboard controls, and that the game requires a gamepad.

Well, my games are ports of OUYA games, and every old OUYA game I publish will require a gamepad -- so that's my excuse.

I recommend the Logitech F310 (I think that's what it's called) --- it can be purchased for about $30. I have two, they're great. Use them a lot when gaming, never had a big problem with them.

Of course, only after publishing the game did it occur to me that I should test the game with my joystick or with other different kinds of configurations.

So far I've found the Linux version is the best.

The Mac version has one small problem, which isn't a big deal, and can be worked around. Kind of. At least now I know for future games that this bug exists.

(and it's a bug with the pre-built Unity 4 software that I don't have much control over).

I don't get to use Windows very much, so I don't know if the same bug exists on Windows --- but the game did work on Windows, so here's hoping.

The best workaround to the small bug I found on Mac can be fixed, if you even want to fix it (because it's not that big of a problem) by switching your Logitech F310 to Xbox mode, installing Xbox 360 controller drivers on your mac, and that does fix the bug.

But it's not a real big bug.

The bug is worst on my joystick on my mac, can be worked around, but works perfectly in Linux.

Oh --- I guess I might as well specify what the Mac bug is::::

The XKey is premapped to Joystick Button 0 in the game.

Changing that mapping in Linux works fine and easy.

In Mac, if you map Joystick Button 0 to Submit and then change XKey to something else, for some reason the computer still thinks the XKey is button 0.

It's not my fault that this bug exists -- it's a preexisting Unity 4 bug I think, but now that I know about it, I'll take that into consideration when releasing future games.

And finally, it comes with the LBRY territory that there's no easy way to update games files. What's done is done. No version control in LBRY. Oh well. Maybe someday I'll learn how to release update patches --- who knows. Oh well.

But, as far as I'm aware, that bug exists only on the mac version ---- so if you do as the Readme says and install it in a Linux Virtual Machine -- the Linux version works a little bit better.

The game is set to cost about 30 cents USD.

Monday, September 2, 2019

Today's Scripture

My scripture of the day today is:

Ecclesiastes 1:18.

"For in much wisdom is much grief: he that increaseth in knowledge increaseth in sorrow."

This is my scripture of the day today because it sums me up pretty well.

I would say that I am a man who knows quite a bit ------ but I look at my life and I find so much of what happened to be entirely regrettable.

Since the day I was baptized::: I was trying to be the best I could be.

But other people evidently weren't trying to be the best they could be --- and there was nothing I could really do to change that.

And it is oh so regrettable, looking back.

I actually feel sorrow enough in my life. I just realize, with my knowledge, how wrong things were --- and I don't enjoy the memories or the feelings they produce.

Is there comfort for me? yes there is actually:::: from time to time I'll feel myself start to feel better, as though the holy ghost is comforting me.

I have enough knowledge and wisdom and life experience that it is actually kind of hard for me to be happy.

BUT::::: seeing Ecclesiastes 1:18 actually brings me comfort as well - because an ancient text understands and realizes what I'm going through ---- this phenomenon was not unknown even in old times.

So - that's my scripture of the day.

I just have so many regrettable things I remember. And I couldn't change much of any of it (because I don't control others).

Sunday, September 1, 2019

Getting Linux to Work Properly

OK - so it was only just yesterday that I thought I would put myself up to a test of not writing on my blog for 2 months to see if I can bring myself to shut it down.

The test already failed.

This morning I was thinking about the original purpose of why I started writing this stuff anyway --- and it might still be relevant, so I figure maybe I should keep my blog up just as a reminder of that stuff.

But then I felt a real urge to write again about this following subject:

I really quite like Ubuntu 18.04.

But, as can be expected with Linux --- it's not absolutely perfect.

My NUC, which I have Ubuntu installed on, has a microphone/headphone port.

Yes --- what I mean is there are certain kinds of headsets that can be plugged into that kind of port, and the one port operates as both microphone input and headphone output at the same time.

The same kind of port works perfectly on my macs.

But my Ubuntu machine -- which has this port -- will ONLY PLAY AUDIO from this port. It will not simultaneously function as an audio input.

It would be nice if this could be fixed. I have no idea how resources are with Linux Devs ---- so maybe it's too much to ask ----- but I just thought I'd post this to create awareness of the problem.

Maybe I could've posted a video on LBRY about this---- but no, it seems more appropriate to make videos about how cool things are when they work rather than to report things that need to be fixed.

A blog post seems more appropriate to point out something that should be fixed.

maybe that's just me though.