Monday, August 5, 2019

What have I done with my life?

I've been sitting around thinking about how absolutely "out of place" I am in my life.

In a sense, I am in place -- I'm at home with my family, and my life has finally become enjoyable.


But I look back on the past two decades of my life and realize that I'm not exactly being me am I?


The OUYA stuff was me being me. More or less.


I was a good student, I would do my homework and get the grades. That's who I am.


But most of the past 2 decades I've basically just been responding to a situation in my life from when I was 16 or 17 years old and have been dealing with that whole thing ever since.



Who I am:::: A top student in school. Extremely intelligent and teachable.


What I intended to do with my life::::: I look back, and I realize my whole goal ---- as I decided in my mind when I was thinking about what I would do when I was young ---- my whole goal was to work for Jesus. The Church got me to a point of wanting to spend my whole life doing what was best for mine and others' eternal benefit.



What happened in my life::::: It seems like everything just went all wrong. There's a whole story here, and I don't even tell it all in my book ------ but what happened in my life was just really messed up.


In the end, I guess what I accomplished is that I learned enough and juggled enough facts into place and found that the church I was raised in wasn't really true.


There are a zillion ways this can be demonstrated I'm sure::::: but wanting to serve Jesus in my life, I think I was set off course by the simple fact that the "true" church I had joined wasn't really what it claimed to be. Some of the information in the church just doesn't seem to be really right.



And that's what I discovered. That's what I did with my life.



I was a top student who wanted to serve Jesus, and then everything went topsy-turvy and I eventually managed to figure out and learn the Church wasn't really correct. And there's a lot of ways this can be known.



I kind of feel like I've wasted my life. I kind of sometimes wonder if there's something better I could have done.



In a sense, what I did was very important ------ In another sense, what I did was a complete waste of time.



But::::: Anyway:::: There might be a light at the end of the tunnel now ----------


I mentioned in my last post that emotionally things have not been well with my mother after she comes out of the temple.



Today I asked my parents what tomorrow's plans are.


Tomorrow is Tuesday. Tuesday is temple day for my Mom.


She would have been expected to say she's going to the temple.


But this time there was no mention of the temple. None.


The emotions turned wrong, and she wasn't happy.


Normally she or my Dad would have no problem saying that tomorrow is temple day.


Except they didn't say that this time.


I don't want to spread any rumors, because maybe she will go to the temple tomorrow ------ it's just that the expected response of tomorrow being temple day was NOT given.



We'll have to see.



Maybe it's finally time for a faith crisis after all. I don't know.




The most recent thing I told my Mom about the church if I remember correctly, is that the Church prides itself on not paying their clergy ------


and yet in the D&C, there are scriptures that state people like the Bishop are supposed to, basically, get paid.


The church prides itself on not having to pay their people ---- but in the original documents, they are actually supposed to pay their people.


The simple fact that a whole D&C scripture is completely disregarded and not even followed anymore might bring into question why the church kept on mentioning D&C 64 every time something went wrong, but then never actually followed that scripture when dealing personally with me.


Either the D&C is valid or it isn't.


D&C 64 was constantly quoted and was a very big pain in my life.


But then the church didn't actually follow D&C 64.


And it turns out they aren't even following the D&C scripture that tells them to pay their bishops either.


Which kind of puts the whole thing into question. Why keep quoting D&C 64 at me, making my life miserable, if that scripture doesn't actually have to be followed anyway?



I don't know if this is what my Mom's problem is ---- but that's one of the last things I told her before the recent developments, and bringing D&C 64 into the question is where the discussion my logically turn on the matter --- or it turns that way in my own mind.




Anyway. I haven't exactly been myself all these years I think. Well, learning guitar was something that I might do (but only after leaving the church). OUYA was something I might do.


But there's been so much insanity in my life -------- that is not who I really am.


I was always doing my best to learn my stuff.



I was interested in the best eternal outcome --- so I wanted to work for Jesus -------



And I guess what I did with my life was figure out the church has problems.


Big waste of time or big accomplishment?



TEMPLE TUESDAY UPDATE:::::::

So::: in the above post I wondered if my Mom will stop her temple attendance because yesterday she did not mention the temple in her plans for today.

turns out::: she IS attending the temple today.

The temple is green to go still for her.

So who knows, we'll see ----- but I can say that as I write this post that I am again noticing some slight emotional discomfort in myself.

So who knows what will happen.

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