Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Remembering something I blocked out

In my last post, I said I would probably find my bliss only if I felt good and forgot my past at the same time

But a little while ago I actually remembered something I had blocked out.

The memory was so painful and bad that I had to stop thinking about it for a very long time in order to get close to getting back on my feet.

In my mind, I figure what happened was so bad that I shouldn't dare talk about it. I mention it in my book ---------- but I blocked out the memory, and remembering it was like, it was heavy.

But ------ though I would want to shy away from talking about this subject on my blog ---------

I actually feel, perhaps mystically, empowered to write about it.

I mean -------- Youtube does have videos about suicide prevention and stuff ----- so maybe that's a relatable topic which is allowed. Maybe I can venture further and talk about::::

When I was young I was suicidal. Ballerinagirl knew I was suicidal. I told her. In the end, when I told her the last time about my idea that could or should just kill myself: she said she didn't care.

Obviously, there were some good reasons to put me into psychiatry after that.

What can I say? The Book of Finch is a whole story ------ it's actually a really, really bad story I guess.

My life wasn't very enjoyable for a long time. It was pretty much just good-hearted school teachers who kept me going for a long time. And then the psychiatrists kept me going, I guess.

My home situation wasn't the best, my school situation wasn't the best despite being considered a good student ----------

The church situation deteriorated very quickly --------

But the PROVINCIAL GOVERNMENT through school teachers and psychiatrists gave me the encouragement I needed to keep going. It seemed so much like there was so much against me ----- but the provincial government pulled me through. As I remember right now.

Basically::::: there was a lot wrong socially in my life back then ------ and I guess it all culminated with a statement by the girl I loved that she didn't care if I did myself in.

She may not have been personally entirely responsible for what she said ---- there may have been someone else pulling her strings.

But anyway ---- the rest is history ---- you can read my horrible horrible life story about how I got through that.

This is the kind of thing I would shy away from talking about on my blog in my own mind ---- but whatever it is, whether it's some mystic force or the holy ghost, is making me feel empowered to write about it.

I kind of feel scared to post a post on that memory.

I'll just say I have some realization the Ballerinagirl might not be fully guilty even though she's the one who said it and you'd think she should have been more caring.

But it is also a VERY SERIOUSLY WRONG kind of thing to say. NO ONE should behave that way.

Blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy.

(but in all seriousness::: I do feel kind of scared to post this)

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