Monday, August 19, 2019

My Mental Health Update

Well, I can see why I was put on disability and put into psychiatric treatment.

I think I'm like a basketcase.

The other day I said I felt so secure emotionally that nothing could phase me ------

But today the doorbell rang, and that somehow disturbed my psyche.

It was just the mail-person at the door -------

But I went from feeling very secure and confident

to feeling all weird very quickly.

I might be experiencing swings in my emotion:::: a few days ago I felt all mad in one place I was at, but when we left that place I felt all happy again.

Mood swings.

And when I think about my past life and problems:::: the problems of my past are so bad that I kind of feel crazy about it.

Like:::: thinking about how inconsistent and illogical the church was. The whole thing didn't make a lot of sense ------ they had their bits of truth and good information ------- but in the end, the church was an error, in my opinion.

And it drives me crazy just remembering and thinking about it.

I'm kind of like a basket case.

I'm experiencing mood swings I think ------ one minute I was upset, the next minute I was happy ------- One minute I felt very secure and self-assured, the next I'm pretty much anxious.

I'm all messed up.

Compared to many years ago, I'm actually doing quite well,

But I'm looking at how I'm thinking and feeling and realizing I have some bad problems.

It's good to have compassion on people, even those with mental conditions.

Unfortunately, what may have caused my mental condition may have been me being stuck around too many other people with their mental conditions for too long and there was no escape for me.

Being around others' problems can cause problems in your own life I think.

I used to be more or less mostly mentally healthy ------- but I had been around too much problems for so long that one day I just snapped. And I've been reeling ever since.

I'm not ashamed of myself, mostly, I know I lived my life as best I could until I was no longer able or capable of living that well anymore.

I tried so hard. I pretty much did my best ------ my best degraded over time.

and yes, having done my best, in the end it didn't matter (just like Linkin Park's song) except for today-me having memories of knowing I was once so great, remembering my glory days.

It's good to have good memories. Because my bad memories really take me down.

It's just really good to have the good memories.

I have high happy memories and very low bad memories.  Maybe that's why I'm so messed up.

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