Friday, August 23, 2019

Feels Like Encouragement

I got some mail today.

Just like last year, this year I received another one of those local Albertan Construction Supply Catalogues.

The address on the Catalogue even refers to me as "Proprietor". Someone is actually aware of me.

Anyone who knows me knows that construction, so far, has not been my forte.

I have only about ten or eleven dollars in my bank account right now --- and I have a bit less than ten dollars in cash.

But ---- the Bank also wrote to me today to tell me they are offering me a big loan at a decent interest rate.

I feel like I'm being encouraged to do something again.

I have to say --- after all these years of being unable to actually sell anything, I do feel discouraged about being in business --- when no one was ever really buying --- why would I ever expect that to change?

But then again ----- I am being encouraged. Try again they are saying.

I took only one shop class in all my schooling ---- and I wasn't very good at it, so construction might not be my thing.

But if I used some of that offered debt to buy new equipment ---- then I might feel refreshed again, maybe even enough to try another game and try to sell it. Maybe. I have no real ideas right now.

There is another non-bank source I could also try borrowing from that might offer me an even better rate --- so it's possible.

I'm happy I'm being encouraged to work. That actually makes me feel good.

I could probably find something to do if I thought about it hard enough --- like if I built another video game --- and this time I'd be able to make my own in game music with my own guitars! yay!

Going into debt doesn't sound like much fun to me ---- but then again ---- rather than wasting lots of time to save up for necessary equipment, why not borrow and get to work right away?

That's the big conundrum. Borrowing isn't fun, but it allows you to do stuff faster.

I'll have to think about this stuff ---- I don't have any big ideas right now except to maybe re-do my Bananatree games --- but if I get an idea for a project, who knows, maybe I could get back to work, especially with encouragement.

My Dad says it's good to work. I agree. It's just too bad that I'd be going into debt to do it.


I have a NUC I wrote a bit of a review for on this blog.

For a long while I used the NUC as a home server.

Then, more recently, I decided I would install android x86 on the NUC and see how it ran my games. It worked with what I tried, and that was fun and exciting.

But even more recently I decided I wanted to use my NUC as a desktop so I installed Ubuntu 18.04 on it. This is the first time I've used Gnome 3.

I have to say, Gnome 3 is actually really quite impressive to me, despite its differentness and simplicity.

And then I decided to install some choice software on my NUC ---- someone like my Mom would never be able to do what I do.

My Mom and Dad often need my help to push a button three times in order to watch tv ----- so the amount of configuration that went into installing this Linux software would probably be too much for them especially my Mom.

Anyway ---- computers are more of my forte ------- so I'd probably think about developing software again, I guess.

It would be nice if my Sister could help me with game art or something though --- because she can draw and paint ----- although, now she's busy taking care of kids and beekeeping -- I'm quite proud of her for that ---- but if I am to be a successful video game dev, she might need to help with artwork. That WOULD be nice actually.

I often have bad memories of my childhood with my sister, but as an adult, she's really quite a lot more likeable. Doing a project together might be fun.

It's just the going into debt part. I don't want debt. but it might be necessary.

You know what???? My life has been such a mess ------

And it feels SO GOOD to actually BE ENCOURAGED to do something. I just had a memory of other people encouraging me back a while ago too.

For a moment, now, I'm starting to feel driven to do something again. I'm feeling hopeful. But I feel crazy about going back into debt --- even though that's the only option that makes sense.

With how bad my life was, you'd think people might not like me, but if I'm actually encouraged to work ------- then that does feel good. It might be worth it.

I'd have to make sure this offer from the bank is the right kind of offer. it might be OK --- but I don't know for certain.

I programmed a debt calculator. If I were to take a loan, if I never got paid for my project, it might take me a couple years to pay the debt back.

Is that stress worth it?

But I have to admit --- it might be better than doing nothing.

I might fear people don't like me ----- but then again, I feel encouraged.

I have to think about it. So much to consider. I've got time.

I just feel crazy about going back into debt. I spent so much time and effort digging my way out ---- but money isn't everything ----- and in Christianity, you could be left with nothing anyway ------ so it could be worth a try.

Another problem is not having an ideas right now. Ideas can come, so it might just be about taking the first steps.

I feel crazy about this. Nervous.

Maybe I'm just reading into a construction catalogue too much. Seeing things that aren't there. Who knows.

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