Sunday, June 30, 2019

It seems impossible to get paid

I did a search for ebook downloads of my books.

I found one.

The first edition of The Book of Finch.

I DO actually allow people to download the first edition of this book ---- BUT I ask that people buy the 3.4 edition paperback of The Book of Finch in concert with downloading the first edition. That is what I allow. The first edition free download, in my mind, is only ok if you also buy the 3.4 edition paperback.

Unfortunately, as is pretty regular with humanity ------ nobody cares about the limitations I say I have on downloads. Nobody cares about paying the author it seems like.

The download page I found said there were 1214 ratings of my book.

That's just ratings. That's probably just a fraction of all the downloads.

Though it may feel good to get an average of 4.3 out of 5 stars rating on the most poorly written edition ------

Well, it just seems to be impossible for me to actually sell things.

Maybe I do sell --- never find out about it ---- and then maybe the government takes it. Who knows - maybe.

It would be nice to see actual sales reports though --- it would be nice if people were honest with me.

Plus --- the royalties at this point would be lucrative enough to probably be worth a small fortune, at least.

But ---- I get nothing from it ------ nearly everyone has refused to pay me for anything I've ever done.

I guess I should just count my blessings that I was able to pay my debt ---- that my disability payment increased substantially over the years and that I can live pretty happy as it is even without royalties.

yay me.

If I wanted to get my own place to live though, I would probably need those royalties.

I guess, in the end, I can feel I accomplished SOMETHING by having so much distribution with such high ratings.

I suppose there's a silver lining that many people seem to have accepted my work. That in itself is something I'm sure.

Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Goodbye OUYA. I'll miss you.

Today is the day OUYA servers shut down completely.

I was still able to access my dev portal though.

In the end, I had, as of the last count, 4009 total game downloads on the system.

The last purchase I had was in December of 2016 until yesterday evening someone actually paid for a copy of The Bananatree Brothers.

It was nice to see one last sale, although it took YEARS for it to finally happen.

Of course, last night I was looking at my specific game stats, and ICBM had an exact download count of 666 --------- so that seems like a bit of a joke. Of course, after releasing the game there was an extended period of time where it had a big bug that took me forever to fix because our family barely ever played and no one decided to drop me a bug report ----------- so of all my games, ICBM is probably the one I screwed up on the worst.

I do wonder if Razer will eventually get around to finally paying me something now that it's all over. Who knows.

I'm sad to see the OUYA go. OK --- last night I was actually feeling pretty good ----- but OUYA was so awesome it is regrettable that it didn't experience greater success.


The following has nothing to do with OUYA:::::

It's a bit of a continuation of a previous post, where I am now going to try to say something nice about people who "offended" me in the past.

So::::: as a kid my sister really gave me a hard time. But now, as an adult, she's like a completely different person. It's like a body-double replaced her kind of. My childhood was hell and torment living with the problems she created, but as an adult, she's quite a bit more reasonable and likable. I just thought I should clarify though.

I also kind of figured I might try to say something nice about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. But then I figured maybe I shouldn't touch that one with a ten-foot pole.

There are so many issues regarding the church -------- though at first when you first join it seems like exactly what you are looking for, at it sounds like something great --------- well, there are a zillion issues it took me years to find out about.

I guess I can say that their doctrine of forgiving everything has its uses. If everyone actually tried to do what the Church taught --- be perfect and forgive everything else ---- the world might actually be a much better place. Unfortunately, when I grew up I saw it over and over again that people just didn't follow what the church actually taught. They just didn't. It's like they didn't even try. That made it unliveable.

Another teaching that all indications show was a good teaching was "Give said the little stream" ----- giving is actually a very good thing in so many ways.

Also::: the church taught "Let us oft speak kind words to each other" ----- also a very good teaching.

And the simple unfortunate truth about the experience of my life in that church is people simply just did not actually follow the teachings.

Teachings were to be found left right and centre ---- we were indoctrinated ---- and some of it was pretty good --------

But in so many ways, people just didn't actually follow it ------ which means what I experienced in that church is not actually how that church was actually meant to be ----- so who knows how it would turn out if people actually tried what they were supposed to do.

They kept on saying "I know it's true".

But I didn't get to know if it was true simply because people didn't follow the rules, and since people didn't even follow the rules I didn't get the find out the outcome of the "truth".

So:::: the church probably shouldn't be touched with a ten-foot pole in the end ------ but they did try to teach some good ideas, which the membership pretty much typically didn't actually seem to follow ------ so the whole thing was largely pointless in the end.

Sunday, June 23, 2019

Evidence of Spiritual Trickery

So::: for an atheist, this blog post might seem way out in left field -- so you've been warned about how I spiritually see reality.

WARNING:::: This blog post discusses things of a sexual nature, and may seem "off" to some readers. You've been advised. Avert your eyes if that sort of thing makes you uncomfortable.

One of my personal claims about my own life is that I only started masturbating because I was sexually molested by a ghost shortly after my grandmother died in 1998.

Of course, nobody wants anyone to be blamed for sexually molesting me --- especially in a highly Mormon family -------

but the simple truth is that initially, I DID NOT CHOOSE TO MASTURBATE.

I made no effort to choose to do such a thing.

In fact, I was trying to choose not to do it as it was happening.

But ---- if a ghost molested me ---- the Church can't let the ghost be blamed, and though it wasn't my own choice I get punished for a sin next to murder simply because I started feeling way too horny.

Anyway ------ Just a moment ago this evening I experienced some evidence that there's some possibility of truth to my claim of being molested by a ghost.

For a good long while now ---- I've enjoyed NOT feeling horny.

But as I lay in bed, looking at my iPad ------- I started feeling pretty horny.

I simply sent out a telepathic thought ----- "I feel like I'm being molested by a ghost right now".

Very quickly ----- I mean, it was like magic -------- the horny feelings just vanished, they disappeared.

I really enjoy when I'm not addicted to sex. I want sex to go away.

Feeling those horny feelings has never been good for me.

It's interesting how just moments ago telepathically thinking the thought "I'm being molested by a ghost right now" very quickly, somehow, disappeared the horny feelings.

And I feel normal again. No need to have sex.

Yeah ---- that's evidence that there is some kind of spiritual or magical reality that suggests I really may have been sexually molested as a kid ---- whether it be somehow spiritual or magical.

If it really is just hormones, what I think should have no effect on how horny I feel.

And typically ------- those horny feelings don't go away until I've finished jerking off.

So::::: There really is a magical reality ----- I just needed to telepathically cry "wolf!" and quickly the horny feelings went away.

In a sense it's too bad that the church has to blame me for a sin next to murder simply because I was molested by a ghost.

But then again ----- some Youtube videos have helped me realize that in the minds of the church members, my sister who repetitively verbally abused me and my brother as children is way less sinful than me with my masturbation.

All that name calling and bearing false witness was apparently more acceptable to the Lord than the guy who got sexually molested by a ghost.

So yeah ----- I don't see why I would really want to be with those people.

If I was suffering from a ghostly sexual abuse problem ---- it wasn't going to be solved by a church that didn't allow for a ghost to be blamed. It's that simple.

So yeah.

You'd think with all the church doctrine about spirits and devils and baptism for the dead and all that ----

Claiming you've been molested by a ghost or demon would be a thing in the church -------

but it actually wasn't.

The idea fits with the whole narrative of the mythology ----- but they still didn't accept that as an explanation for how I lost my chastity.

Strange huh?

Monday, June 17, 2019

Pretty Good News

On Sunday Morning my Sister and her family decided to stop over at our house.

We realized my brother-in-law hadn't seen me play my guitar yet ---- so I decided to perform a little.

When I was done ----- there was a suggestion that I could find some more sheet music, and then perform a song accompanied by my niece on piano/keyboard.

We'll have to think more about what kind of music we'll play ---- but it would be an interesting experience to try to put together a performance together with my niece. I've never done that before, besides singing in a choir.

So, that's good news, and might be interesting to pursue--- a suggestion of performing with my niece who plays keyboard/piano.

When the latest iPhones were announced, I wasn't very interested --- largely because of the lack of a home button. To me, the home button made so much sense.

But recently, I figured I had chewed up the battery on my iPhone 6s too much ----- so I decided to upgrade.

I got the iPhone XR.

The iPhone 6s is puny compared to the iPhone XR.

The iPhone XR is actually pretty good, it's really nice actually ------ I wouldn't necessarily grade it 100%, again, because of the lack of a home button, so it's probably gradable at 95+% --- something like that.

I don't have any gripes with it except for some games are harder to close down because of the lack of the home button. And that Face ID is defeated by sunglasses. Other than that, it's a really nice device.

But ------ Canadians, many Canadians, are up to their eyeballs in debt according to some reports ----- and the price tag on the iPhone XR is pretty heavy --------- so that's something to consider.

I only felt ready to pay the price because I've paid all my debts and have a decent sustainable income so I can afford it. I think I'm in a special position for that reason ---- I think there are many who might not be able to afford so much. Just something to consider: your pocketbook.

Shortly after I signed up for this new phone, just today I found out my carrier is offering a promotional plan ---- a supposedly slightly lower price with supposedly better service quality.

It's tempting ---- but I don't want to mess up the computer systems by changing my plan twice in one month, so I'm thinking I might hold back on that.

But, the promotional plan might make the phone a little more affordable. That's good news.

So, to sum up this post::::

It was suggested I could perform my guitar with my niece playing piano.

iPhone 6s is puny compared to iPhone XR --- iPhone XR is pretty nice actually -

and financial situations might not be able to afford iPhone XR ---- but that might be remedied a little bit by a promotional plan my carrier currently has for sale. It's not much of savings though. It's just a little better.

I suppose I could end this post with a statement about class ---- considering I feel able to afford something that so many other people might not be able to afford.

What is my class?

Considering that I grew up pretty much lower class ---- maybe upper-lower-class -------

Being so low on the totem pole when I was young, these days I can just feel like upper class simply because of how much better I'm doing these days.

But, I'm not a millionaire. Our family now makes about $60 thousand per year.

$60 thousand per year for 4 people seems pretty middle class ----- but considering my family is out of debt now and how I grew up lower class, I can feel like I'm upper class.

It really depends on your perspective and how you measure the classes.

the income is not much to look at in comparison with others, but for me it feels great because I never had such things when I was growing up.

But, there is actually a way of measuring class that says I'm upper class simply because I have no debt.

60k is middle-class income maybe, but not having debt is upper class.

So again, I guess I feel lower-upper class or upper-middle class ------- whatever it is, I feel so much better than when I was growing up at a much lower level.

Why am I saying this? Because I watch economics videos on Youtube and it's just a relevant status report about myself.

And that's how I feel ------ without specifically being paid for so much work I did.

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

So much generosity

People must just love me.

I've received so many messages telling me about the millions of dollars various people want to give me.

I've received emails that claim to be from Lottery winners who want to help.

I have an email that says the UN wants to send me money.

Just a moment ago I received an email that says the founder of Amazon wants to give me something.

This type of thing is happening over and over and over again -------- as per standard paranoia procedure ----- your paranoia tells you to not trust it -------- it's just spam. The same kinds of spam over and over again.

Another part of me wonders if the work I did will ever get a nice payoff.

But the fact remains::::: Receiving emails from people who want your personal information in exchange for promises of wealth --------- does this seem realistic?

This kind of message can really play with a person's hopes and dreams --------

but it also plays with my paranoia.

I'm sure if the UN or the head of Amazon wanted to give me money ----- they'd figure out a way of putting it directly into my bank account ----- and maybe send an email in tandem that explains what that's all about.

I once received an Interac e-transfer by email -------- but the person who sent it didn't say what it was for -------- and also, there was some reason to suspect it was a scam.

Who knows:::: Maybe it's a GOOD thing I'm a paranoid schizophrenic.

My book on business tells me it's the paranoid who survive. Yeah.

Monday, June 10, 2019

I'm noticing a pattern

Perhaps inspired by my last blog post, with how Youtube videos that actually explain useful information get demonetized ----- I have an observation to make about my life now.

As a child ---- My sister devalued me. No need for descriptions.

As a teen ---- my classmates devalued me. Again, no need for description.

As a young adult ---- the church devalued me.

As a working adult ----- society as a whole devalued me.

I think I'm noticing a pattern here.

There has pretty much been one force in my life that ever really gave me value::::


In the education system, the Province of Alberta gave me value.

As an adult, the Province of Alberta gave me disability value.

The pattern continues, however::::

At a national level, the provinces of BC and Quebec kind of try to devalue Alberta.

So::: I'm just noticing a life-long pattern here where people just never seem to think much of me. And it started in early childhood.

Where this extends from the last blog post is with these thoughts:::::

1) I was one of the top students in school for a very long time, I was one of the best.

2) I've written 3 books and 8 video games, all of which I tried to sell at basement bargain prices.

3) People wouldn't pay even the smallest price for anything I did.

If I was one of the best, and yet I'm not even worth 99cents at that high level --------

What does that then say about everyone else in society, essentially, people who are below my level?

I mean, if I couldn't make any money at basement bargain prices having been one of the best there was ------

Maybe that explains why so many youtube videos get demonetized --- regardless of how useful their information might be.

Just a thought.

If I'm pretty high quality yet I'm not worth even 99cents ---- then everyone below my level would be valued accordingly.

So yeah::::: something is just really messed up somewhere.

Thursday, June 6, 2019

Can't Take a Position for or against

I hear news from time to time that Google/Youtube is taking steps to police the internet ---- and though this is a good thing because the world may become a better place to live -----

Sometimes one really has to work out exactly what it is they should say on a topic.

I mean ---- I grew up as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ------

But both my brother and I myself tried believing in that church so much that we both got put on psychiatric medications because of our belief in that church.

So::: If medications are used to treat a belief in the church ---- then what is wrong with the church?

Thing is::::: You can do some research, there are many things videos on Youtube will teach you ------

But I discovered that one video that went in depth in one aspect of Church doctrine got demonetized.

So::: We were raised from very young ages in this church ---- for a long time this church is pretty much all or most of what we know ---------

We find out we aren't really allowed to believe it because we are put on psychiatric meds for it -----

And then I find out that the church is such a touchy subject that people who try to educate you about just one set of issues in the church will be demonetarized in their video -------

So, my brother and I couldn't take a position for the church ------

And then I learn that this video, despite educating us about why the church is wrong ------ wasn't allowed to really discuss those issues?

yeah ---- it's confusing for me.

Local society decided I shouldn't be with the church ---- but the education about the problems ---- youtube had a problem with the education about the problems.

I know I can't take a position for the church without getting into trouble anymore -----

But taking a position against the church will maybe get me into trouble too for a few reasons.

It's kind of hard to know how to navigate the issues of educating people about the church on Youube ------

Our society made it clear to us they do not want us following the church ------

But somehow Youtube has taken some sort of position against educating people about the problems in the church -----

So:::: it's confusing.

Can't really take a position for or against.

And some of the relevant issues involved are big topics ------ things you'd think you'd want to know about.

Yeah -- just a little confusing.

Wednesday, June 5, 2019

Talking About Skills

I've had nothing to say for a while, but I guess I have something if even slightly interesting to mention now, so I figured I'd update my blog.

I saw my psychiatrist today.

I told the doctor about how I just learned to play the Jingle Bells tab (as opposed to the chords I was doing around Christmas time) and that I had uploaded a recording of me playing O Canada to Youtube.

The short of it is this::::

The doctor told me that playing the fretboard of the guitar, playing the tablature, is considered to be harder than playing Chords.

I thought that was interesting. Because once I figured out the fretboard, playing single notes on the guitar became much easier, and Rhythm guitar is harder for me.

I can understand that learning the fretboard might seem to be a daunting task to someone who doesn't play or is new to the instrument:

But trust me::: there's a way to figure it out, practise, and start memorizing positions.

So:::: either I'm recovering from my mental problems, which I may be, or I am a mentally ill man who somehow managed to pull off the harder of two tasks yet again.

As I said in The Book of Finch:::: here in Alberta, apparently if you think you have some kind of superhuman power that automatically puts you in the disabled section, legally.

Who knows. But that was something I learned in school. It didn't totally make sense, but that's just how it's legally defined.