Tuesday, May 28, 2019

The Good and Moral Thing to Do

This evening I finally paid off my debts in full. Once and for all.

I no longer have a credit card. This will make it a lot easier to live as I intend -- debt free.

And I have to say::: it feels WONDERFUL to not be burdened by knowing I owe someone.

I feel emotionally/spiritually a lot better now.

It appears there's some kind of spiritual or psychological phenomena where if I don't owe anyone I can now concern my mind with enjoying life and doing fun stuff --- like staying up all night and playing video games.

When I owed ---- my spirit felt the urge to work.

Now that I do not owe ---- I can stay up all night and have fun.




I am well aware from experience of both good and "bad" psychological states ---- I believe there is a spiritual aspect of feeling liberated when debts are paid.



Anyway ----- I spent about $9 on the lottery today.


One part of me was feeling foolish for having "wasted" that money.


The other part of me wanted to have some fun.


But now that I'm feeling liberated, I realize that playing the lottery, as long as you only play with what you can afford to lose, is actually a good and moral thing to do.

Why do I say this?

If you win ---- there you've just won the lottery, enjoy your life.

If you lose ---- You just paid your taxes!! And this is NOT a bad thing!


Help the government pay its debt ---- support social services!


My old young men's leader I remember would shame me about stuff like this --- shame me for playing the lottery ------


But I feel good and proud of myself for having paid some extra tax. This is actually a morally GOOD thing to do.


Play only with what you can afford to lose, however. And to know this value, that means keeping a budget.



Yeah ---- this blog post is to say, that in Canada at least, it is actually a good and moral thing to do to play the Lottery.


You are supporting social services. You are balancing the budget. You are paying the provincial debt.


Just live within your means and play with what you can afford. Enjoy life.


I was feeling foolish about losing $9, but I feel better, I feel better after justifying it in my mind knowing it's going to do something good for my countryman.



It's kind of like being shamed throughout your teens for normal male hormonal urges and releasing them all by yourself ------- but then you find out that it's absolutely normal and that releasing it by yourself is probably the best way of dealing with the issue.


The morality I was taught in my youth seems a little crooked.


Second thought has helped me realize a whole different mental reality, where I can feel good about myself for doing things that the "moral authority" previously shunned.

Monday, May 27, 2019

Not Ready For Busking

Today my parents were out in the yard, gardening. There were workers a number of meters away working on something.

I decided I would pull out my guitar and play some music.

I don't have a busking ID yet ---- but I figure I should be OK just playing for my own family on our own property.

(By the way ---- on the city website they just called it a busking ID or something like that ---- is this ID actually some kind of permit or license? I mean, if it's a permit or license that would be good to know because simply calling it just an ID is very vague--- it implies it might not be totally required --- if it is actually a permit or license, that implies it is required).

Anyway --- I figured it'd be OK to play my guitar for my own family on my own property ----



Now ---- normally when I play my guitar, alone in my bedroom ---- I have no problem remembering what to do ------- beyond not being 100% trained in music, I sound quite decent performing alone.


But ----- true to experience every other time I've tried to play for my family ------

Part way through O Canada I lost my concentration.

Yup. Just forgot where I was going with that tune.

I was able to play my other songs just fine ------ and in my bedroom afterward I played O Canada all by myself just fine ---------


but for some reason, when I'm performing for other people, I am far more likely to make mistakes.


Even if I'm just performing in front of a camera that's just for family ----- I make mistakes.

I get so nervous and lose my concentration.


So, I'm not ready for busking yet.


Also::: Another reason why I don't think I'm ready for busking is that I know only a handful of songs.

My repertoire of music is so small I'd become too repetitive really quickly.


So yeah ---- in personal practise in my bedroom I can play the songs I know 100% ------

but when I play for other people I seem pretty much destined to screw up somehow.


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As for that lucky winning streak I had on the lottery for a while ------


I did tell my Mom about it. That's when things went wrong. (this was a few weeks ago).


My mom REFUSES to ask for God's help in making money.


So:::: for whatever the reason, the lucky winning streak ended after I told her about the winning streak.

Not the brightest move I could make.


My telepathy and empathy bring to my awareness this idea that people are really quite unhappy about something ----- which is to be expected in the LDS Church considering how that church typically responds to lotteries.


I don't find my Mom's or the Church's position to be the smartest --- but I also can't control them.


Part of the problem I have in my family is that when I tried sharing and teaching The Secret/The Law of Attraction with my parents, but they decided to reject that doctrine and lifestyle.


I know, it's strange, isn't it? My Parents raised me in the church --- my Mom is very religious ---- and yet they reject a lifehack that comes straight out of the scriptures.


Yeah --- not the smartest stuff ever.

Friday, May 24, 2019

Something Strange

I've been up since about 2am --- it's now 5:09am.

A few minutes ago I was looking out my window and saw, in the darkness of the sky, a sizeable white light ---- to me it seemed like the moon, and though it didn't totally seem like the moon--- I figured it must've been the moon.

Just a moment ago I leaned against the window sill and just looked at this white light in the sky.

And then ---- it just, uh, just got smaller and disappeared.

Yeah. That's not the moon.

The moon just doesn't vanish like that.

I know it sounds really, really strange for me to tell this story ---- but this is what I saw----

A white light in the dark sky, and after leaning against the window sill and inspecting it closely ---- it just vanished.

It was a pretty big white light too ---- comparable to the moon.




Combined with my personal improved eyesight (which I've tested again this morning --- yeah, my "bad" eye is getting better) and recent auditory hallucinations, which we experienced together as a family -------

yeah.


I heard sometimes these things should be kept to oneself.


But this blog is like my journal, so this is where I'll record my sighting.


I know:::: it's kind of way out in left field -------- but I know what I just experienced, and with the fact that my "bad" eye has improved I really have to wonder.


UPDATE::::

9:42AM

I was just sitting and standing in my front yard for the past 20 minutes.

yes --- I noticed some aircraft fly overhead,

But the sun was a little strange to me.


I know ---- this is weird ---- first the moon seems strange to me, and now the sun ------

Hours ago when the "moon" just quickly got smaller and disappeared ---- that was weird. The sun would be coming up soon in the same direction of sky so it couldn't have been an eclipse. (I believe the direction I'm pointed is East).

Maybe a cloud covered the moon? But clouds don't usually go that fast ------


so on to thinking about how odd the sun is as I was looking in its direction-----


So::: usually the sun is blindingly bright, even with sunglasses, and there's no real point in looking at it -------


But I guess there must've been some cloud cover or something because as I looked in the direction of the sun I could see a big round "object" in that direction, and I thought it was weird how it "was the sun" but I didn't look nearly bright enough.

Usually, the sun is just blinding.  But I guess with some cloud cover and my sunglasses on ---- I was able to look directly at a round shape that was bearable for my eyes.


It's strange:::: the sun is usually so completely bright looking at it would be blinding and you'd just see a great blurry hugely bright light.

But somehow what I was looking at in that direction of the sky was viewable ---- I saw it was a very round circular shape ---- not like you'd normally expect to see the sun -----

it either was the sun or near when the sun should be ----- so the cloud cover and sunglasses made it viewable.

I even looked directly at it through my 8x monocular. I was viewable ---- and not overly too bright, which was just kind of strange.

When I went to grab my cell phone camera to take a picture ----- I came back outside ---- and the sun was back to being itself again, a bigh bright way too bright blurry image you can't see clearly with any hope.


And this all happened within 20 minutes ---- the part where I went from looking at it with my monocular to going to grab my phone being, again, a very short period of time for the clouds to move.


So::::: I'm not thinking I fully understand::::


It was like a crescent moon in the eastern sky that just quickly shrank and disappeared ----

and then a very round viewable object where the sun should be in the sky but the sun wasn't blinding me at that time at that viewpoint.


Just strange. It doesn't totally make sense. Not to me at least.


The moon doesn't usually just disappear like that.


While the sun is usually way too bright ----- so it's weird how I was seeing a big circle in the sky with the help of cloud cover and sunglasses. way too strange.


And yeah --- I noticed aircraft passing overhead today too.

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Reconciliation is a blessing

I think the "mystic forces of 'God'" may smile upon a good reconciliation. Why?

I may have had a really hard time growing up --- my sister didn't make it easy ----

But now as an adult, she and I get along fine. We are a happier family now.

When I remember how bad things were, I may start feeling down -----

But when I feel reconciled with someone I had animosity with ----- I think there are spiritual benefits.

Like ----- the reconciliation might be making the Universe more receptive to my requests for good eyesight.

My eyesight is perceptibly seemingly getting better.

Of course, I've stopped wearing my prescription lenses, and now I'm protecting my eyes from UV rays with sunglasses ---- but my one eye which I call my "bad" eye seems to be getting better.

Maybe there's no real connection between a happy reconciled family and better eyesight ----- but I'm personally guessing the good environment I'm living in now is beneficial and supportive to a healing environment.

Other things to note:::

In the past two weeks, I've experienced 3 or 4 auditory hallucinations.

The thing though::: Two of those hallucinations I experienced were also heard by my family with me.

Yup ---- it's the strangest thing -------

There is absolutely zero idea where those sounds came from, no idea why we heard them or how they existed ----- but we DID hear them. Together.

So yeah ------

Reconciling with ancient animosities may produce a beneficial spiritual environment,

where health gets better (such as better eyesight, which has been a request of mine)

And we get to experience auditory hallucinations together as a family.

Seriously.

No idea why we heard those sounds but we DID hear them. It's the strangest thing. And there's no easy answer for how.

Monday, May 20, 2019

My Own Failings

So over the weekend to today, I was able to think about my own failings.

I looked at 4 big categories in my life and realized I failed in all 4.

1) I failed in my religious life. Although --- the religion was questionable itself in the end.

2) I failed in my school life.

3) I failed in my love life.

4) I failed in my work life.


How much I failed may be a matter of opinion ---- but the reason I say I "failed" is because I did not reach the hoped-for end state.


I also thought today about one stupid bad experience I had, but I'll try to forget it again.


The good news is that I do have some level of "talent" -- or whatever you want to call it.

I rescued my Dad on his computer today.

The reason I got so interested in computers is that my father spent years of his life working with computers throughout his career.

He's getting older -- so I'm not sure he has it all together, and now my help is basically a necessity just to navigate him through some issues which I would personally regard as only mildly confusing--- but apparently too confusing for him.


Sometimes I wonder if I really am not related to this family I've been living with.


We are all different, but in some ways, it just seems like I don't really fit in with the family I've grown up with.



So yeah::: despite all my failures in life, it's looking like I'm the family computer "expert" ----- I'm the only one with the right head on my shoulders for understanding certain things.



So::: I failed in life ---- for any number of reasons ------- but I'm adept enough to be the family computer expert.


The issue was simple for me to fix, but it seems like my Dad's mind was blown by the whole issue.

Thursday, May 16, 2019

Psychological or Spiritual Effects of Accomplishment

So::: Today I sat down ---- looked at the sheet music for O Canada again ----- and then realized I had done something wrong when I had originally transcribed the tablature to letter music.

So I did that again.

Part way through the process ---- I DID find ONE error in the sheet music. In ONE spot the Tablature does not match the note music. I went with the note music. (Yes --- somewhere along the way I've picked up some level of how to read note music)



So::: I started practising, and learning, and repeating, and learning more.

I learned the whole thing.


I know how to play O Canada on Guitar now.


And after I finished playing the whole song through, something weird happened:::


One part of me was sick to my stomach, one part of me felt hilarity, and there was a partial loss of concentration.


Is this a psychological or a spiritual phenomenon? Is there a difference?

When I finally fully played through the whole national anthem from memory my body went in three directions ----- as if I was possessed by three ghosts who reacted in three different ways.


It's just so weird ------- I know there's a spiritual reality that's attached to the Law of Attraction that will have effects like this depending on how people treat you or how to treat people or how you treat yourself -------


but it's just so interesting to note how finally, for the first time in my life, having fully played through the National Anthem on an instrument I felt sick to my stomach, hilarity, and a partial loss of concentration. Weird.



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I had more thoughts on the topic of how messed up things were in my life, some of it I think I'll try not to say here because it might be a bit too negative about how bad it got -------


But it's interesting ------


if I rejected my sister's friend because she was friends with my sister ------

And my bishop rejected Avril because she's "too productive" -------

and the ballerina girl rejected me because of my family's mental health issues -------


It's looking like I'll never get married.


I was trying so, so hard all my life to do what I was supposed to. I really was. This can be illustrated with the fact that I received multiple awards and honours for being a or the top student.


But I didn't matter how hard I tried --- Just like Linkin Park's song "In The End" ----- I was trying so hard and accomplishing so much ---------


But simply because my sister didn't follow instructions and that basically drove me and my brother bonkers -------


We fail.


We had ONE member of our family who didn't actually seem to be even trying to do the right thing, and that screwed all of us up. Or at least me and my brother.


I really might never get married.


I tried so hard but received automatic failure anyways because my sister didn't listen to instruction and then drove us insane.



The definition of "forgive" appears to have changed over time in the church --- and they don't define it like everyone else.


The most recent definition of "forgive" was to "not blame".


So, therefore in the church, the worst sin you can now commit is to blame someone for their own actions.


Yup ----- in the eyes of the church, this might seem totally sinful to lay blame ------- but I highly suspect that my brother and I ended up failing in life because of our sister.  At the most basic-root-cause-level, she's probably the reason why.


Although, if the roots go even deeper ---- an even deeper reason why things failed was simply that the church did dick-all to correct the situation in our lives.


The whole reason I joined the church was to teach my sister how to behave.


The church failed horribly to do this. It's like they didn't even care. It was kind of like false advertising, bait and switch.


The simple fact that my Sister was found worthy and allowed to participate in temple ceremonies has been disturbing enough to my brother and myself that we pretty much just quit the church.


If my sister is the type of person they would find totally worthy and allowable in their temple --- then this church is NOT for us.




I will finally note that I talked a while back with my brother about the problems:::::


He and I both agreed that being Terrestrial was preferable to being eternally sealed in this family that had the problems it had.

He and I both experienced the issues, and though he and I were both willing to die for Jesus --- we also both rejected the concept of being eternally sealed to this family. My Sister was the main reason.


So Yeah. Something was just really messed up.



Since my sister was totally allowed in the temple and found worthy ------ we decided this church was not for us.


She eventually became a better person though. It took a very long time.

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Introversion and a Loyalty

I'm beginning this blog post as a reminder that I AM INTROVERTED ----- so many phone calls we receive get screened and if I meet someone in person I often have nothing to say. Even if they want to talk.

So::: I'm just not a people-person, I guess you could say ----- A lot of my socializing is done in a group of people in my immediate family group and other necessary areas of life.

Like:::: Sometimes someone who claims to be a beautiful girl on Facebook will friend request me ---- I often reject these requests ----- especially because the internet is kind of a hard place to determine if you'll really like someone and so on ----- and especially as I'm not fully interested in relationships, at least right now.




On another note:::: Avril Lavigne has reminded us that this is Lyme Awareness Month --- something like that.

On Twitter, she posted something she wanted us to share about spreading Lyme Awareness and handing out flyers.

I'm afraid making mention of this will have to suffice on my blog alone -----

why?

Well, 1) Maybe it's laziness, but maybe its also 2) the simple fact that Avril's community wasn't the most accepting of me. Avril herself is very friendly, and seemed very accepting of me ---- but some population of her other fans did not view me very well, so maybe I should just stay away on this one.


it's kind of hard to want to do some menial task for someone, even if you love them, if that someone's friends are not being kind.

I may love Jesus --- but if the church is unfriendly, then so much for that.


Another example is this:::::


There's one girl who I suspect wanted a relationship with me when I was young ---- but I rejected her.


Why? Because she was friends with my Sisters. I didn't even try to go for this one.


You see ----- One of my sisters didn't treat me very well when we were growing up ----- so if a girl is friends with my sisters, that was a big sign she's not compatible with me.


These days, maybe this rule doesn't apply so much anymore --- but when I was young it was important:::


The kind of idea is this::: with how badly my sister treated me, it's a choice between being her friend, or being my friend. I mean, are you interested in me for me--- or are you interested in me because you are friends with someone I can't stand to be around?


yeah ----- it might be tough to be interested in me and get that kind of response ---- but hey, that's life.


My sisters are far more acceptable to me these days, but yeah ---- just examples of how messed up things can be when friends of friends aren't being kind.

Monday, May 13, 2019

Ideas!

Yesterday I felt like saying something, and will only say it now because I have other things to say in this post:::

I don't really see sales if I have them.

I can speculate that the government takes my money and redistributes it to help people participating in the disability program I'm on. This is only speculation however. -- I'm not certain.

I have sketchy sources of information that give numbers that may back up my theory (because it does kind of add up) ------ so it's potentially true in my mind, but not confirmed.


And on to other things::::


Today I had two ideas!!!


One was a software idea.


The other was a carpentry idea ---- although maybe a little bit of engineering may be involved too.


It's exciting to have such good ideas of things I could do -------


but to do the software idea I can't help but wonder if I should have completed my Computer Science degree ------

and for the carpentry idea, I'll have to wait probably at least about 3 months before I can get the money together to potentially make a prototype.


Earlier this month I borrowed some money from my Dad and used it to pay off my credit card ---- and then I closed my credit card account.


I have to pay my Dad back before I can think about accumulating funds for any big projects.


That's the simplest way I can say what's on my mind.


The big reason I'm writing this post is just because of my excitement at having two good ideas in one day.


Although ------ because of mental/educational limitations one project might have to wait while the other has a big funding problem right now.


I'm probably just going to put these ideas "on the shelf" and try to remember them later. And maybe I'll forget. Who knows.

Sunday, May 5, 2019

Organized Confusion

Earlier today I thought about writing about a recent "spiritual/psychological" experience I felt I had --- but then decided against saying anything because it might just seem weird.




But:::: Just a little while ago ----- the gears in my head were turning and I realized even more about just how confusing the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is.


Shortly after the publication of the first edition of my first book, I received an email from an old Young Men's leader I will refer to as "Cody Finn".

In this email, he told me he would NOT read my book, and listed all kinds of little criticisms he had against me for why he would not read it, such as talk about masturbation, buying lottery tickets and saying bad words.


So::::: Cody Finn made it clear::::: He feels he can criticize me for these little things I do or talk about.




After the Publication of Letters to Whomever (where Cody Finn's message can be found) ---- I was offering free books at a party my brother attended.

At this party, another Elder was giving me lip about how he would not be reading my books because I was critical of things that went wrong.



So:::: One Elder refuses to read my book because of his criticisms against me ---- while the other elder denounced criticism altogether and refused to read my book because he felt it was critical.



Hmmmm.



I have to say::: I am confused.

One Elder takes a position where he feels he can criticize me for little and mostly meaningless things, while the other elder absolutely refuses to accept any form of criticism.


??????


BOTH of these two different parties in the same church absolutely refused to read the book.


Obviously, because of their refusal to listen to my viewpoints and experiences, and because they refused to reimburse me for all the money I spent on publication ------ they were NOT loving.

Jesus taught "love one another".


These are two opposing parties in the same church with two different philosophies (one allows criticism, the other doesn't) who used the church to justify their positions, yet neither of them was actually loving


Maybe a reason I like Avril Lavigne so much is because she is a loving and caring person ----- so it's interesting that she impresses me because of the love she gives --------- and it's also interesting that the church did not allow her even though she is the one who loved, and all indications show that the church, that claims love, does not actually love.



Anyway, this blog post is just to show or illustrate how I encountered two members of the church I knew and both of them refused to read my books each using completely opposite philosophes ---- One being very critical, the other not allowing any criticism.


That is really ---- really confusing. I'm not quite sure I understand what the church is going for here.


Anyway --- it's supposed to be the one true church, yet they were unloving despite Jesus' teaching and both refused to read my book for completely opposite reasons.


Makes no sense. It just doesn't make sense. It's one church, but they aren't even uniform in how they approach a topic. Only the rejection was uniform.


How am I supposed to operate in a church where one part of it is very petty and will criticize tiny things while the other part of it won't allow any form of criticism at all. It doesn't even make sense how this church even exists, to be honest.


And yeah --- it's just too bad that altogether they completely lacked the love to actually read my book and hear my viewpoint on what I experienced. Really too bad. Ignorance.