It's almost 5AM.
I've pretty much been awake all night, I'm not tired.
My mind has been active. Thinking about all kinds of seemingly unsolvable problems or issues.
1) I wanted to serve Jesus, and the church said I would serve Jesus for the rest of my life.
But then the church forced me on psychiatric drugs because I believed in miracles.
So that whole thing went up in smoke, so to speak.
In the past 9 years, I really tried to work for money.
People didn't pay me.
My sisters were unsupportive and my Mom refuses to ask God for help doing this.
I was rejected from serving Jesus, and I'm not encouraged to work for money.
If I'm not working for Jesus ---- and I'm not working for money ----- then what am I working for?
2) The whole issue of who I should marry or was supposed to marry or whatever like that.
The whole ballerina-girl thing has been full of confusion.
I can say this much:::: The only reason I've ever been given that really made sense about why I wasn't allowed to be friends with the ballerina-girl is because of the mental illness in her family.
Basically::: I am not supposed to marry her mentally ill family, largely because of the mental illness in my own family.
The idea is that two mentally ill families would not produce a good result.
So:::: if I'm not supposed to marry a mentally ill family, then a mentally healthy family would work right?
OK ----- So Avril Lavigne is mentally healthy, and she basically sings about being in love with me.
You'd really think this would have been OK.
But no, even though Ballerinagirl was not allowed because of poor mental health issues ----- Avril Lavigne still won't be allowed despite having good mental health.
I just don't know what to do about that.
I'm supposed to marry a mentally healthy person ----- but apparently marrying Avril would have been too grandiose.
So:::: I'm not marrying someone better than Avril because that would be even more grandiose -----
Which means I'm supposed to marry a mentally healthy person who is unproductive enough that she doesn't happen to be rich.
I have no idea why either.
I have no real idea why it would be so important to marry a mentally healthy person who just happens to be unproductive and therefore not rich.
It doesn't make any sense ----- but that appears to be what I've been presented with. No idea how that's supposed make sense at all. But apparently, that's what whoever is in charge wanted.
So::: not allowed to marry the mentally ill, and not allowed to marry the mentally healthy either because of grandiosity issues.
Yup --- this is too weird.
3) I tried arguing for the Church. I was pro-church for a while.
But I was "wrong" and "rejected" over this.
So I tried arguing against the church I was anti-church for a while.
But I was "wrong" and "rejected" over this stance too.
Nothing makes sense anymore. I'm apparently wrong on both sides of the issue.
So yeah ---- just things of concern on my mind as I sit here wide awake all night.
I wasn't allowed to work for Jesus but I'm not supported in working for money either.
I wasn't supposed to marry a mentally ill family, but I wasn't permitted to marry a mentally healthy family either.
And I'm wrong on both sides of the whole Church debate ---- doesn't matter what side I'm on, I'm just automatically wrong.
Something is soooooo messed up here.
How can I even possibly be a real person or exist? Like::: I shouldn't even exist under these circumstances. But somehow I do anyway. I have no idea.