Friday, April 26, 2019

Pondering Effort and Perfection

I've got a lot on my mind an no one to talk to::: so the posts on my blog just pile up.


So: I started thinking about the effort I put into my life when I was young, and how well that turned out.


I was a top student, if not, then THE top student at my schools growing up.


And I was still dumped by the girl I loved for not being good enough.


I was the best student, I was probably the most knowledgable about the scriptures in seminary, I offered my lifetime of service to God and I was shooting for the Celestial Exaltation ------


And yet I was still dumped for not being good enough anyway.


I was a 100% Grade 9 Math Final and a 98% Grade 11 Chemistry Final ------


And just not good enough.


I really like to compare what I experienced to Linkin Park's song "In The End" ---- which is also from the same era of time.


And yes ---- it got to a point where I was trying so hard, that the imperfections I had seemed impossible to get past.


Of the few things I did wrong ---- Masturbation being the big one ----- I had no idea how to change.


And though Jesus came, and though Jesus is said by the church to take you the rest of the way once you've gone the farthest you can go ------- The church still didn't allow my Jesus thing, even if I was the top student and I did my best. The church just wouldn't even seem to allow Jesus to take me the rest of the way ---- as if there was at least one more thing I needed to accomplish.


So in one sense, I did my best, I got as far as I could go ----- Jesus was supposed to take me the rest of the way there ------ but the church wasn't interested in that.




They say nobody is perfect, and if nobody is perfect, then how will anyone ever be good enough.



When I was growing up, the church had high standards and demanded perfection.


After I was done, the church stopped demanding perfection and only demanded less demanding "worthy".


When I was there, "worthy" was equated with "perfection" ----- but since then "worthy" does not actually have to be perfect, as I think I read in a church magazine.



So:::: they demand perfection, they say nobody's perfect, so how do you know if you are "good enough"?


I'm not sure how to know that ----- all I know is that I was at my limit and it still wouldn't be allowed ----- and even if Jesus was there to take me the rest of the way they still wouldn't allow that either.



Why?



Who knows ALL the reasons.



What I understand is that there is a law of Attraction ------- and that my sister had no good intent towards me and my brother growing up.



She basically would just say unkind things about us and to us throughout childhood ---- such as talk of kicking us out of the church and us having no friends when we grow up -------


Therefore, I may have tried so hard and been so perfect, but because my Sister was never condemned for anything she said or did ----- she received everything she wanted -------- and that meant I had to be put down.


yes --- my sister just wanted to put me down ------- so it didn't matter how hard I tried -------- because she was never condemned for anything, she got to have her way.



So, I was a top student, and one of the best ----- but that didn't matter because my Sister gets to have her way ----- which meant I would fail no matter what I did.



That's the best way I can look at it - because that's all I know about what happened off the top of my head.

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