Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Things To Do

For quite a while, I would feel incomplete - as if my life lacked something, and I needed to fill a hole.

Last Saturday and on Sunday --- that hole was filled.

I'm getting hooked on Soccer. Only two games into the Season, two games into the League --- and I have good enjoyment just sitting there and watching, cheering for whom I choose.



So::: with the soccer watching, with the guitar, I am feeling fulfilled, especially as my Sister is doing more by expanding her beehives. There's stuff to do. I am happy.



And then today I realized that I haven't done much to get my Bananatree games ready for release on the Ultra game store when that arrives.


Yeah ----- I've been completely misplacing my funds when it comes to re-developing for a new game store ---- with all the guitars I've bought, plus repairs, plus a season pass to the CPL -------- I've got all the funding I could need to do what I need to do -------- but I'm being distracted from releasing on the Ultra store.


I know I actually can't even guarantee that I ever will release a game on that store ----- there are too many details I am unaware of at this time.


If this Ultra store is only for PC ----- then I'll have to buy a PC or at least a Windows operating system. I might be considered at the level of a hobbyist ---- so if anything goes over my head technical wise, that may be a problem.




The main points of this post are to say that I now feel I'm living a fulfilled life, now that I've found a soccer League to watch ------- and my realization that I should kick into gear about releasing on Ultra but I've been completely misplacing my funds in order to do that.



And yeah, I still want to write less. But I just felt I had to give this little update about my gaming ideas.


Ultra can be found at ultra.io.

Saturday, April 27, 2019

Today Looks Like a Good Day

Well, today I'm feeling joyful.

I woke up early this morning and didn't even obsess about the old problems.

In fact, I just told myself that I would like to write less --- as in wanting to stop writing so much to my psychiatric friends and to stop posting so much about the same things over and over again on this blog.

And as I continued through the morning, I was really feeling so much better. No past obsessions on my mind, feeling good, and then I found some more good news:

Supposedly, today is the day of the first game of the Canadian Premier League. I sure hope they broadcast it on TV --- and I sure hope I can get my mind together to pay attention.

Today feels like a very good day.



I guess the biggest point of this post, however, is just how I actually desire to stop talking so much about past issues. To write less. To enjoy my life more. To not ruminate on old problems. To have a good time.

Friday, April 26, 2019

Not Feeling TOO Crazy

I was thinking about the types of things that happened in my life.

Like for so many people I'm sure --- life is actually or can be pretty disturbing.

The history of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is disturbing enough on its own without my life's story adding to it.

But ---- the good news is, when I was younger I was far more of a basket case than I am now.

With some good treatment, I have managed to calm down my brain a bit --- enough that I give my Dad periods of respite so he doesn't have to listen to me talk about what's on my mind.


I recently figured out why I was having such problems with psychiatry itself: there isn't really exactly a proper diagnosis for my situation (in my opinion) in their manual of mental disorders.


I was having problems::: and my family and the church really wanted me to get help::: but I actually didn't fit into any category ----- the best they could do to "help" me was label me with schizophrenia because of how loopy the church is.


Just yesterday I was waiting for my disability payment to arrive.

It might have been because of the new government, but yesterday was the longest and latest I've ever had to wait for my payment to come.

I started to wonder if I had been kicked off the program and wouldn't be receiving anything.

Yeah ---- outright calling me schizophrenic wasn't quite the exact truth I don't think ----- but it's all I could get because the exact diagnosis for me didn't even exist ---- but I was having a severe problem.


I guess if you think the church is crazy, which it kind of is, then sure, I am schizophreic.


Anyway ----- I'm not as messed up as I used to be ---- but my mind thinks about things over and over again, and writing about it is the best way I can get it off my chest, especially since my family especially my Dad don't like hearing it. So I just write. I need an outlet.


I guess I've said enough now ----- this post was just to express my concerns about my own mental condition.

Pondering Effort and Perfection

I've got a lot on my mind an no one to talk to::: so the posts on my blog just pile up.


So: I started thinking about the effort I put into my life when I was young, and how well that turned out.


I was a top student, if not, then THE top student at my schools growing up.


And I was still dumped by the girl I loved for not being good enough.


I was the best student, I was probably the most knowledgable about the scriptures in seminary, I offered my lifetime of service to God and I was shooting for the Celestial Exaltation ------


And yet I was still dumped for not being good enough anyway.


I was a 100% Grade 9 Math Final and a 98% Grade 11 Chemistry Final ------


And just not good enough.


I really like to compare what I experienced to Linkin Park's song "In The End" ---- which is also from the same era of time.


And yes ---- it got to a point where I was trying so hard, that the imperfections I had seemed impossible to get past.


Of the few things I did wrong ---- Masturbation being the big one ----- I had no idea how to change.


And though Jesus came, and though Jesus is said by the church to take you the rest of the way once you've gone the farthest you can go ------- The church still didn't allow my Jesus thing, even if I was the top student and I did my best. The church just wouldn't even seem to allow Jesus to take me the rest of the way ---- as if there was at least one more thing I needed to accomplish.


So in one sense, I did my best, I got as far as I could go ----- Jesus was supposed to take me the rest of the way there ------ but the church wasn't interested in that.




They say nobody is perfect, and if nobody is perfect, then how will anyone ever be good enough.



When I was growing up, the church had high standards and demanded perfection.


After I was done, the church stopped demanding perfection and only demanded less demanding "worthy".


When I was there, "worthy" was equated with "perfection" ----- but since then "worthy" does not actually have to be perfect, as I think I read in a church magazine.



So:::: they demand perfection, they say nobody's perfect, so how do you know if you are "good enough"?


I'm not sure how to know that ----- all I know is that I was at my limit and it still wouldn't be allowed ----- and even if Jesus was there to take me the rest of the way they still wouldn't allow that either.



Why?



Who knows ALL the reasons.



What I understand is that there is a law of Attraction ------- and that my sister had no good intent towards me and my brother growing up.



She basically would just say unkind things about us and to us throughout childhood ---- such as talk of kicking us out of the church and us having no friends when we grow up -------


Therefore, I may have tried so hard and been so perfect, but because my Sister was never condemned for anything she said or did ----- she received everything she wanted -------- and that meant I had to be put down.


yes --- my sister just wanted to put me down ------- so it didn't matter how hard I tried -------- because she was never condemned for anything, she got to have her way.



So, I was a top student, and one of the best ----- but that didn't matter because my Sister gets to have her way ----- which meant I would fail no matter what I did.



That's the best way I can look at it - because that's all I know about what happened off the top of my head.

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

Pondering These Questions

It's almost 5AM.

I've pretty much been awake all night, I'm not tired.

My mind has been active. Thinking about all kinds of seemingly unsolvable problems or issues.



1) I wanted to serve Jesus, and the church said I would serve Jesus for the rest of my life.

But then the church forced me on psychiatric drugs because I believed in miracles.

So that whole thing went up in smoke, so to speak.



In the past 9 years, I really tried to work for money.

People didn't pay me.

My sisters were unsupportive and my Mom refuses to ask God for help doing this.




So::::

I was rejected from serving Jesus, and I'm not encouraged to work for money.

If I'm not working for Jesus ---- and I'm not working for money ----- then what am I working for?




2) The whole issue of who I should marry or was supposed to marry or whatever like that.

The whole ballerina-girl thing has been full of confusion.

I can say this much:::: The only reason I've ever been given that really made sense about why I wasn't allowed to be friends with the ballerina-girl is because of the mental illness in her family.

Basically::: I am not supposed to marry her mentally ill family, largely because of the mental illness in my own family.

The idea is that two mentally ill families would not produce a good result.



So:::: if I'm not supposed to marry a mentally ill family, then a mentally healthy family would work right?


OK ----- So Avril Lavigne is mentally healthy, and she basically sings about being in love with me.

You'd really think this would have been OK.

But no, even though Ballerinagirl was not allowed because of poor mental health issues ----- Avril Lavigne still won't be allowed despite having good mental health.

I just don't know what to do about that.

I'm supposed to marry a mentally healthy person ----- but apparently marrying Avril would have been too grandiose.

So:::: I'm not marrying someone better than Avril because that would be even more grandiose -----

Which means I'm supposed to marry a mentally healthy person who is unproductive enough that she doesn't happen to be rich.

I have no idea why either.

I have no real idea why it would be so important to marry a mentally healthy person who just happens to be unproductive and therefore not rich.

It doesn't make any sense ----- but that appears to be what I've been presented with. No idea how that's supposed make sense at all. But apparently, that's what whoever is in charge wanted.

So::: not allowed to marry the mentally ill, and not allowed to marry the mentally healthy either because of grandiosity issues.

Yup --- this is too weird.




3) I tried arguing for the Church. I was pro-church for a while.

But I was "wrong" and "rejected" over this.

So I tried arguing against the church I was anti-church for a while.

But I was "wrong" and "rejected" over this stance too.

Nothing makes sense anymore. I'm apparently wrong on both sides of the issue.





So yeah ---- just things of concern on my mind as I sit here wide awake all night.



I wasn't allowed to work for Jesus but I'm not supported in working for money either.


I wasn't supposed to marry a mentally ill family, but I wasn't permitted to marry a mentally healthy family either.


And I'm wrong on both sides of the whole Church debate ---- doesn't matter what side I'm on, I'm just automatically wrong.




Something is soooooo messed up here.


How can I even possibly be a real person or exist? Like::: I shouldn't even exist under these circumstances.  But somehow I do anyway. I have no idea.

Monday, April 22, 2019

What to do

I'm sitting here in the early morning of Easter Monday, and I was just thinking about what I've tried to do with my life and how well it turned out.


To be honest, something is very very wrong.


1) I was a good student
---I was basically hated when I was a good student.

2) I tried or wanted to work for Jesus
---The church rejected me and told me I was crazy. Turned out it may have actually been the church that was crazy, but anyway, I was rejected from serving in the family religion.

3) I'm like Avril's Sk8er Boi --- being friends with the singer.
---Though my real life story is comparable to Avril Lavigne's Sk8er Boi song, people everywhere had this complete inability to accept that I could be friends with her --- even her fanclub rejected me, more or less. I was basically the guy she claimed to be in love with ----- but no one was willing to accept that about me.

3) I tried working for money.
---People just didn't pay me ----- as well as my Mom and Sisters were entirely unsupportive and wouldn't even pray for God's help here.



The ONE THING I've been successful at is being considered disabled, going to see a psychiatrist ---- and just living on the government dole.


Everything else I've done so far has received pretty much no support from others.



The only thing I can think of actually trying to DO right now is maybe to learn more music and going busking in the streets.


The problem here is this::::

1) When performing for others, I can get insane stage fright.

2) I can easily lose my concentration.


So there's a chance I won't be any good at all for busking.


But it's something to think about.



It's just kind of weird how nobody supports pretty much anything I've been doing. No one cares about me.


All I can do is "be disabled" and collect limited amounts of free money.


I just don't understand.

Sunday, April 21, 2019

I just realized my failure.

OK ---- so it's very questionable how true the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is, but one of the teachings of The Book of Mormon is:::


That in order to achieve anything in life, you have to put forth the most amount of effort towards that goal possible before God will be willing to help you further.


So, unless you do everything you can, and expend all your options ---- God won't help.


You have to do everything in your power to achieve your goal before God will step in.


I was just finally looking at political party platforms for the last election a bit ---- and I realize I shot myself in the foot.


The Alberta Party said they would retroactively increase AiSH if they got elected ---- and I calculated that this would be worth over $9000.


I did not research this before the election. I did not vote for the Alberta Party.


If my goal in life was to make more money:::: I just screwed myself according to the Book of Mormon.


I know that Church is highly debatable ----- but it is true that The Book of Mormon did contain some good ideas ------- and doing your absolute best is one of them ---------


And I have actually just failed to do my absolute best. I didn't know about the policy --- but then again, I didn't really research the policy when I should have.


Well, I didn't absolutely do everything in my power to achieve my goal, so according to The Book of Mormon God doesn't have to help me anymore.


If I had just voted for and campaigned for the Alberta Party ----- that might've made all the difference. Oh my God.


But then again, it is also true that Money is the root of all kinds of evil ----- so who knows.


I guess I just have to be happy with what I have now. Doh.



UPDATE 5:24PM:::::

Just a moment ago I realized another likely failure::::

I probably just completely misunderstood something about the Alberta Party platform.

I can't say I know exactly what the platform is or how to interpret it based on that ONE article I read earlier today, but I"m guessing it's more nuanced than just $9000 of retroactive payments to aish recipients.

It was probably different --- I can't say I know for certain exactly what they were going for ------


It was just something about $1779 AiSH allowance and something about retroactive something.


But thinking the retroactive part refers to a 9000 dollar payment might be way out in left field.


But I don't really know. Just saying I really don't know exactly what it was. It was at least re-increasing today's AiSH to $1779.

Saturday, April 20, 2019

TRYING to talk to a mental health professional

So::::

A little while back I switched from using my Gmail to using an iCloud address to talk to someone who worked in the mental health clinic about problems in my life.


You know, life has problems, sometimes one just feels like talking about it and getting it off my chest.


Well, today I tried sending an email about how messed up one aspect of my life was --------



And just moments ago, I learned that Apple would not even send the message to my mental health friend, supposedly something about "mail abuse".


I don't know if it's because I've sent too much email, or if it's because it contained "abuse" keywords -------



But yeah ---- growing up I was pretty much abused so much ------ and I'm trying to talk about it with a mental health practitioner -------------



And Apple won't even send the message now.



Everything I said in the message is 100% TRUE or is true as far as I am aware from my experiences.


But it's apparently not allowed for me to talk to my mental health friend about it.


Huh.



I get mistreated throughout my life growing up, I have issues as an adult ---- and now I'm finding out that I'm not even allowed to talk to my mental health practitioner about it. Wow.



This is so messed up.



And no --- I looked at the returned mail ------ it was NOT the hospital that rejected the message ------ it was APPLE who wouldn't SEND the message.



I guess I might have to go back to Gmail to discuss my heartbreaks.




UPDATE::::::


I just had a closer look at the email that said my messsage couldn't be delivered::::


It looks like it was blocked by a Trend Micro Email Reputation Service on the clinic's side ------


what this means is that iCloud servers are sometimes used by some people to send Spam ---- so now the hospital is just blocking the iCloud servers altogether.


That's what it is. It's a server-level blocker that sees that iCloud has a bad reputation and blocks all iCloud messages.


OK then. Huh.

Thursday, April 18, 2019

More or less fixed.

As a beginning note::::

This time, with my Dad and I think my brother as witnesses, I again got the reassurance from my Mom that she refuses to ask God for help making money.

So::: It doesn't matter if I'm asking for a million dollars or just a few thousand dollars::: My Mom absolutely refuses to pray for such things.

She has some kind of religious reasoning based on her Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to explain why ---- except as she was talking about her religious belief on the issue it still didn't exactly actually explain why anyway ----- all she said is something about paying tithing and getting all her great blessings from that -------- apparently paying tithing is the only way to ask for blessings or something, I don't know, she never really explained it.

Basically, it must've been something about how paying tithing gives her great blessings and she won't even bother trying to ask for more ---- something like that.

So yeah::: now my Dad and probably my brother have witnessed her talking about this too.



The thing is::::

As we know, my Mom refuses to ask God for money.

I grew up being very poor.

Growing up was actually a miserable experience.

Also:

If I had wanted to serve a mission, I would need money to serve the mission.

But my Mom seriously just refuses to ask God for money.

Seeing as how I was very poor, I couldn't serve a mission if I wanted to. By not asking God for help, we aren't getting anywhere:::

Also:::

I've had several products up for sale for years -------- and never really made money.

I have all the opportunity to make money, but my Mom seriously just can't ask God for help.

There is absolutely ZERO POINT in even trying to work if you seriously just can't be bothered to even ask God for help.



So:::: There are ways to be become happy and well off. I just happen to be born into a family where the Mother has some messed up religious beliefs that seem to tell her she's not allowed to ask God for help.



And finally, I will also note:::::::


I pray for more than just myself to make money. I pray for my other family members AND MY INLAWS to make money.


And it DOES ACTUALLY WORK.


Today my Sister and her husband received a lump sum payment that allows them to completely wipe out all their debts.


It is entirely worthwhile to ask God for help, and I'm 100% sure asking God does help and has brilliant results ---------


But my Mom just can't seem to accept that asking God for help is the way to go. She said something about paying her tithing being all she really needs to get all her great blessings.



<><><><><><><><><>



As for my guitar::::

A replacement tuning machine arrived today.

It is functionally excellent, and cosmetically it will have to do.

It's almost the same as the original tuning machine, except it's not broken and the tuning key itself is slightly different. But it works.

So I'm happy.

Having taken the old tuning machine of the guitar, I showed it to my Dad.

There are two ways to fix the broken tuning machine itself that we can see are potential options::

1) Unscrew the stripped Cog, turn it upside down, and screw it back in again. This is a potential fix, though we haven't tried yet.

2) Look for a new replacement Cog of the same type when shopping. This might be like searching for a needle in a haystack, but it might be doable.

Maybe:::: Maybe I could try taking apart the other tuning machine I received today and take the Cog out of that if it's the right kind---- this MIGHT work ------- but the issue here is the used replacement machines are slightly different and are more solid so they're harder to take apart I think.


So::: The guitar works, more or less, and I'm happy with that. This is a pretty amiable result, even if I probably voided my warranty.



The guitar does actually seem very, very new, except for the slight damage I found which might have been my own fault.


So::: what did the store mean when they called it "vintage"?

It seems so new, though slightly broken.


It's a very nice guitar ----- either new or mostly well taken care of ---------


Is it actually some kind of vintage old guitar that one can only expect might be broken,

or was "vintage" just a word in the name of the guitar and it's actually new and it's my own fault something's wrong?


it's so hard to know.


Just interesting that it wasn't a corner tuner that was broken, and that there was only one broken tuner.


Might've been my own fault ---- but also might not have been.


Big mystery.

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

A Symptom of my Psyche

So:::: One of the big supposed symptoms of schizophrenia is noticing connections, or coincidences, or secret messages that are supposedly not there or not real.

For example::: the personal connection of what I feel is my relationship with Avril Lavigne was considered to be a likely symptom of schizophrenia.

She was basically singing about me, and I knew this because I knew my own life and how well it resembled her song ---- but nobody else noticed or cared or realized it.

This happened quite a bit for me.




And it happened again this evening.




I think one of the rules of my blog service provider is that I'm not allowed to just copy and repeat news stories from other sources.



But I will say that there was an item of information in the news on tv today that got me really thinking about myself.



The elements of the item of information were this::::


A trip to a British island.

A person whose name had some resemblance to my own name.

And another person's name which had a resemblance to a recent set of events in my life --- which I will explain.




So:::: Seeing this item of information on the news made me a bit hysterical or whatever for a little while ---- and of course my Mom was basically just telling me it's just a coincidence and its meaningless.



So::::


Here's what it means to me::::


I think the British Island being involved might simply be a reference to the fact that there's someone on Youtube I like watching from one of the smaller islands::: The Isle of Wight. It's just an interesting thing about me::: this person's videos help me fall asleep at night.



Of course, the item of information that resembled my own name is important as it's basically the identifier for ME.


The other name mentioned::: however::: I won't say exactly what the name was, but I'll say:::::


It was basically like a two-pronged reference to two currently occurring things in my life at the same time. Two birds with one stone if you will.


Like I said in a past post::: I received the guitar I ordered:::: and somehow the B String wasn't working ---- the B-String-Tuning-Machine was busted.


The other prong is that my sister got into Bee Keeping a while back, currently, she is in the process of getting a new Beehive.



So:::: No b-string ----- what about "no bee sting"? It's kind of a similar funny play on words.


There's also another element to this thought:::: No bees ------ No be es. Yeah. Religion can seemingly get highly corrupted with BS ----- so no b string, no bee sting, no bees, no be es.



Yes ----- it's just a big play on words going on in my mind, and it's all inspired by the elements of information in something I saw on the news --- which I can't itself talk about because I'm not supposed to copy and repeat other news sources if I remember the rules correctly.



My own personal news story here is that I'm having one of those schizophrenic moments again, where it's highly coincidental and even seems meaningful ------------ yeah.

Also::: if playing my new guitar is like playing a Bass Guitar without the B String ----- then there's also the element of how it's either an "ass" guitar, or it's an "ace" guitar ----- perhaps a reference to how I aced my Grade 9 Math Provincial Final exam or something. Who knows ---- at school I was considered an ace student for quite a while, I was one of the best.





I will now write a bit about how I might or might not blame myself for my new broken guitar:::::


How might I blame myself for the problem with my guitar????


I had just received a new guitar, I tried attaching my guitar strap to the new guitar, I guess it wasn't fastened entirely properly and I guess I did something wrong, there was a disconnect, and the guitar fell and hit the floor.


That's my confession. Combined with clumsy handling, I may also have just not properly fasted the guitar strap.


That's how I MIGHT blame myself -------



but there is a problem with this explanation.


The fact that it was the B-STRING-TUNING-MACHINE that got broken ---- and NOT any of the other tuning machines.


There's a logical problem here. I have to play detective I think, because really:::::

The B-String tuning machine is the tuning machine that sits on the right side of the guitar (facing the guitar standing up) and it's IN THE MIDDLE of the two other machines on that side of the guitar.


LIke, if me dropping my guitar damaged the MIDDLE tuning machine rather than a tuning machine ON THE CORNER ------ Something doesn't totally make sense here.


It doesn't seem likely, it doesn't seem logical, that the tuning machine that should not have hit the ground first was the one on that got damaged.


I mean, really, depending on how the guitar hit the floor ---- You'd really have to think that it would be a CORNER machine, either top corner or bottom corner --- that would have taken the damage -------



But somehow, by some unknown cause ------- the one in THE MIDDLE took the damage and the two corners are perfectly fine.


It just doesn't make sense. If me dropping my guitar just once from a mistake broke that tuning machine ---- why isn't one of the corners broken????


It's just REALLY UNLIKELY that my simple falling spell broke the middle machine without harming one of the corners.

It's just REALLY REALLY unlikely. It doesn't make sense.


If I had damaged this guitar by carelessly dropping it to the ground ------ the most likely damage would have been to a CORNER tuning machine.



Except it's the B Machine that's damaged. and the B Machine IS NOT on the corner.



It just doesn't fully ad up.



There is some possibility may be that some force of inertia might have jostled the B machine, and then when I tried to tune it then stripped and broke.  That's my other best thought about this.




Anyway, the point of this second part of this post is mostly just to say that if I did break my own guitar, my explanation is that I just didn't secure the strap properly and I handled my guitar a little stupidly.


An easy beginner's mistake.




I can feel dumb about it -------- but what makes me feel happy is that I was smart enough to buy the cheap guitar instead of a more expensive guitar -------


So that means breaking the guitar feels less bad, and if I do decide to repair it myself, I already have every idea that the new guitar plus repairs is still cheaper than the more expensive guitar would have been.


I basically saved myself some grief by buying the cheaper guitar ----- I'd feel worse if I had bought a more expensive guitar and broken that ------- I can feel better about breaking a cheaper guitar rather than the expensive one.


Every cloud has a silver lining, they say.




UPDATE::::::

I guess I might as well finally mention this, like I mentioned this on Facebook already:::

When I was shopping for replacement Tuning Machines, the "same model" tuning machines were referred to as "vintage".

I looked at the website's webpage for this guitar I bought::: Yes ---- this guitar is referred to as a "vintage" guitar.

There are two sorts of related camps on the internet about what a "vintage guitar" is.


One camp believes that the guitar comes from a High-Quality time of production. ----- this would be true about this guitar, it definitely does seem like a high-quality instrument.


The other camp believes that the guitar is probably an OLD guitar. And actually ---- considering the little imperfection such as the broken B-Tuner ------ this might very well be the case.



So it might just be that I bought an old, high-quality guitar that was sold for cheaper because it was expected it might have a problem. That makes sense.


But yeah ----- "vintage" does typically mean that it's higher quality (which is true in my case) and that it comes from an earlier date in history ------ which is also very likely true considering the broken part.


Because the broken part is a middle tuning machine and not on the corner, I feel pretty confident that this guitar arrived already-broken rather than me accidentally busting it myself.


If I had busted it myself, I would expect it would have been a corner that would have gotten broken. No broken corners.


It must just be an old guitar that arrived this way, I'm guessing. Now I don't feel so bad.

Last Night

So::: The election results are in.

I'm not really disappointed, I had every idea and expectation the province would go this way. I didn't even try to pray for anything different ---- there are times when you just have to give people, or the people, what they want.



But what I was praying about last night is a bit more of an extension of my latest blog post.


In my last blog post, I mentioned some rules the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints had in my life, and how wrong those rules were,


but for a big element of the story in my life is this:


I wasn't perfect, so I prayed to God when I was young for the forgiveness of my sins and the granting of my exaltation ---- and I dealt with Him for this to happen by offering my whole life of servitude:::


Forgive my sins and grant my exaltation in exchange for a lifetime of service.



Interesting thing:::: The church did not want to forgive my sins, the church did not want to grant my exaltation, and the church did not want my lifetime of servitude.



So I'm wondering how this church has "the gospel", what "the gospel" really is, why it is a "gospel" ---- and why the church goes around doing all that missionary work if they wouldn't just forgive me of my little sins and allow me to serve Jesus.


I offered my whole life, and they still rejected me anyway.


yeah --- something isn't making sense about this church.


In almost every discussion I have on the church now, often the logical conclusion that can be drawn is that the church just is NOT actually true.



So:::: I prayed to God about this last night.


I'm not even going to tell what God said to me::::: In the past when I've tried explaining what God says, someone will just end up disagreeing. I mean, God says what he says, but sometimes The Church feels that what God says is actually something they'd like more license with.


So::: there is very little point trying to discuss what God said since someone is bound to disagree ----- especially in a church where they like to say the Bible is wrong.

Monday, April 15, 2019

Mental Clarity

For a long time, I've been accused of being totally crazy or insane or whatever.

I look at it this way:::: I was the smartest kid in school for a very long time, so maybe I have a normal brain but was raised in a false belief system and many years of abuse took their toll on my psyche.

Am I insane? Or am I normal and healthy and just having side effects from all the wrong things people have done to me?



Anyway ------ I feel I've been having a moment of clarity for the past while.



The LDS Church told me I'd witness and perform miracles.

And then they forced me on psychiatric medication because I believed in miracles.


Obviously, something is very wrong here.


Let's look at some of the LDS Church rules or beliefs as I experienced them in my life, and see if they make any sense:::


1) You aren't allowed to be friends with your friends.
-Not only is this technically illegal it's also very unkind.
-No points for the church here.

2) Masturbation is forbidden.
-The church had me as unforgiven for 8 years because of this "sin".
-The church NEVER forgave my brother for this sin.
-Is this really realistic? Especially when the church hasn't provided anyone to have sex with?
-Looks like a pointless, senseless rule
-No points for the church here.

3) The church has a history of racism.
-Anyone with a brain should be able to tell that this church is completely unreasonable when it teaches some of the things it used to teach.
-No points for the church here.

4) Rock and Roll is forbidden. Among many different musics which are forbidden.
-This also seems unreasonable to me.
-Do I need to explain how dumb this is?
-No points for the church here.

5) Everything always has to be forgiven.
-I can easily demonstrate how wrong this teaching is.
-This teaching is really just abuse.
-No points for the church here.


Anyway ------ Simple fact is, I can easily think of 5 rules the church had that make very little sense.


I was raised in this church. And I was pretty much abused all along the way.


In that sense, I turned out insane for a while.


But my mind feels healthier now, and I can't help but feel that I was just a normal and healthy individual who was exposed to too much garbage and that had side effects.



The unfortunate thing is that though the church clearly can't really be true for so many different reasons (more than I've listed here) ----------


Yeah, some members of my family still follow that belief system and still haven't figured out how wrong it is. This is disappointing, but what am I supposed to do about it?

On the radio, I heard them say it's considered ABUSE to tell a woman the actual truth about her religion. This makes it very difficult to educate my Mom and Sisters.


Anyway. Yeah --- Miracles are real and God is real as far as I'm concerned ---- but The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was way out in left field. It wasn't exactly right in any way shape or form.


So, I'm thankful for my moment of mental clarity. I wish my family would figure this stuff out.

Saturday, April 13, 2019

I feel stupid

I looked at the Lifetime Limited Warranty for Epiphone Guitars online -----

By fixing this problem myself, I'll be voiding my warranty.

Although, I also feel it might be wrong to fix it at Epiphone's expense since there is a possibility that the damage might have been caused by myself making a mistake.

I just feel so stupid about this ----- Gorgeous brand new guitar and ------ one slip and now it needs a little fixing.

Fixing it myself voids the warranty, while it's not necessarily moral to make Epiphone fix it since they might have nothing to do with what went wrong.

There is a local repair shop I might be able to go to get it fixed ----- but if I have to wait oh so long before this is whole again ---- well, I'm trying to be patient, but it's hard.

Before I can even take it to the repair shop I'll have to get a bag to carry it in first. I might also want to have some money available to pay for repairs if necessary.

That's only IF I fix it at a repair shop.

There's a high probability that I can just fix it myself --- but again, I must wait, and then void my warranty.

I just feel so stupid.



And I have to admit:::::  The damage may very well be my own fault. I may have been a bit negligent.


The only thing about blaming myself for the break is that it didn't take a whole lot to cause this problem. I had it for pretty much less than 20 minutes and was only tuning it for the first time when I found the B String wouldn't tune properly.


It might be my own fault, but who knows.


My options aren't very good, and they all involve waiting at least for days or weeks.


I feel so stupid now.

Thursday, April 11, 2019

Is this poor karma?

Well, either my family has some bad karma or else we must've been cursed somehow --- although I'm feeling better now.

My new guitar says it is guaranteed against defects in materials and workmanship.

It is definitely a very fine instrument ---- it is absolutely gorgeous.

So why is the B-string-tuning mechanism stripped and therefore not fully functional?

I had it shipped to me from a different province ---- did it get damaged on the journey? Or did I make a mistake in handling it? (which means the materials are actually kind of poor if my 10 seconds of wear and tear had that kind of effect).

Whatever it is:::: I can feel like we must've been cursed or maybe we have bad karma, because::::

My Dad's problems are a little bit worse than mine right now. It's not a huge, huge problem,

but one of his hobby took a bad turn, and he also had another recent difficulty.

To be honest, these really aren't big problems,

But seeing as how my new guitar, his hobby, and his other problem ----- yeah, things aren't quite going our way right now.

Not huge problems, but there's enough of them that I have to wonder how the metaphysical laws are applying to us.



But, the problems aren't THAT Big, so we're still pretty good ----- I should be able to obtain a replacement tuning mechanism. And today I bought something that was on sale that I didn't know it was on sale so that was a pleasant surprise.


My new guitar definitely has a "deeper" or "richer" sound than my original Maestro acoustic ----- so without the B-String this must be comparable to playing an Acoustic Bass guitar.


Yeah - I actually removed the B-String, I didn't want to have that string in the way if it wasn't going to sound right.


I am all eager to have fun with my guitar ------ but at the same time I just have to patiently wait to see about a new mechanism. In that way, this is kind of torturous.


So, there are three possibilities:::

1) On Youtube, they reported that Gibson (owner of Epiphone, I believe) has had quality control issues. I'm pretty sure that's what they were saying on Youtube.

2) Maybe something happened during delivery.

3) And this is kind of pathetic if my 10 seconds of wear and tear damaged the B-mechanism that much.


I just feel so much like I want to play this, but it feels so incomplete. I just have to be patient. So eager for my new toy but so much waiting to do at the same time. It's just not right.



I'm going to need a new carrying case for this guitar (assuming I can fix it) ----- it does not fit in the Maestro's gig bag. It seems a bit too long/tall.



The interesting thing is that though there was been this much gone wrong in just a short period of time ----- I am actually feeling quite good.


I feel clean about it.


I'll just say that I might kind of feel my family might even deserve its misfortune ----- I have a personal viewpoint where I don't really actually approve of my own family a whole lot.


Of course, I get along with them, and I am kind, and I live peacefully with them --------


But I think there's enough wrong with my family that I don't actually feel bad when bad things happen to us. I feel we kind of deserve it.



I want to live my life as happily as possible ------- but I can't control my family, and I find I don't approve of some of their choices.



I think I am as far away from "racist" as one might be ----- I have more problems with my own group than any other group, whilst I donate to people in other countries all the time. So, therefore I cannot be considered racist, I don't think. I am actually quite humble about the situation in my own group of people.

Finally 100% Diagnosed the Problem

So I figured the problem with my B String must've been the string itself, and then I determined it was actually a washer -----


but then I tested a different washer from another part of the guitar and nothing changed ---- the washer wasn't the problem --------



So I took the tuning mechanism off the guitar completely and had a look inside.


The gears inside the tuning mechanism were stripped pretty bad in one area ----- so when I put it back together, I found that it kept slipping the pitch of the string at the same location over again.


I am going to need a new tuning mechanism.


I'm not yet sure about finding one online. So I wonder if a local repair shop might be able to help.


To be clear::: with the songs that I can play without the B String ----- this guitar is absolutely beautiful. I love it. It's wonderful.


It's just a matter of finding a new tuning mechanism now, whether the repair shop installs it or I do it myself.

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

I've got my new guitar and I think I've figured out a problem

I previously had posted "I"ve got my new guitar" as the most recent post.

I deleted it.

There was a problem with my guitar, but at the time of the post, I think I had almost completely misdiagnosed it.

I thought the B-String was a G-String.

After researching on Youtube, I found what may be the actual answer.

A washer in my tuning key mechanism is broken.

Yes ---- I actually unscrewed a screw, took off the head of the tuning key, looked at the washer ---- and it's broken.


According to this Youtube video, that's EXACTLY what the problem is.


I'm going to go to a guitar shop sometime to see if I can buy new materials or get a repair if possible.


In the meantime ----- I only use the B String for chords so far, so a lot of the songs I know I play by plucking so I don't need the B String entirely.

yes ---- the C chord sounds weird without a properly tuned B String, but I can play my plucking music without the B String just fine.



Something about my brain:::::


I am seemingly getting better and recovering from my mental illness issues -------


But I've found that easy songs I should have memorized by now seem to get confused in my mind in how to play them.

It's easy for me to make mistakes ---- there's still some confusion in my mind.


Just so you know how bad the "confusion" can be like when my mental illness was at it's worst:::

Math problems were extremely difficult to figure out because somehow my brain was getting confused about the values of numbers and how to apply the operations.

Yup ---- I don't know what it was, but simply calculating numbers in my head was a problem because for some reason there was confusion in my mind about how to do it --------



Which was really strange because I had been a top math student for so long.



The best guess for how my brain got broken is this::::

There was a lot of crap I was putting up with in my life, including my sisters and their friends deliberately trying to drive me crazy:::: the law of attraction took effect I'm sure.


They asked for the wrong thing. And I was the victim.

Sunday, April 7, 2019

I've Ordered my Third Guitar

My Maestro by Gibson Acoustic Guitar just doesn't easily let my hand reach the higher notes on the fretboard.

This just wouldn't do for me.

I decided to buy a new guitar --- an acoustic guitar that allows my hand to reach the higher notes.

I had my eyes on a Fender that costs about $500CAD.

But then I realized that there's an Epiphone that would also meet the requirements of the job at hand and it only cost about $300.

I struggled with this question.

The Fender is blue. The Fender had fancy electronics.

The Epiphone was not blue, and though it's an acoustic/electric hybrid, the same electronics did not seem to be installed.

I asked my Magic 8 Ball several questions. Each time it just said, "Don't count on it".

I prayed to God.

The best inspirational advice I could feel myself receive was to listen to my own values in my song "What I Want" and be more frugal.

So, I ordered the Epiphone. Saved about $200. It'll do the job.

I was so freakin' tempted by the Fender though.

So yeah.

Getting my third guitar.

Not that many people listen to my Youtube Videos of me playing ---- but, I can still just play for my family, and I have to say --- guitars sure are fun, so yeah, I just need an upgrade.




And this morning I learned how to play Three Blind Mice. Yup. It was a pretty quick process.




In other news:::::::

My family likes playing Settlers of Catan. I think my Mom really looks forward to these games ever since I bought the game and introduced my parents to it earlier this year.

But ---- I think my Mom has kind of become "the Empress of Catan" ----- as our mother, she feels it's her responsibility to enact some law enforcement in the game ---- there are two laws ------

Actually using the thief or building an army are very frowned upon,

As well as if you have a port expect to be letting other players use it for free --- my Mom won't let us charge a commission for the use of the port one may own.

Yeah. Especially with the thief and army --- those aspects of the game are very much part of the rules in the game ------ but my Mom just frowns on it. I guess there's one expansion pack we won't be buying.




And finally, I have an old friend from the Church who has invited me to watch General Conference. She invited me to actually go with her family to Conference, but I was content just to let her know I'd listen to it in my own home.


So, I've gotten through the Saturday Morning and Afternoon sessions.


My commentary? I guess these Mormon leaders are trying to do their best with their church with what they have.


I remember one of the speakers was saying something about how God tries to bring joy, happiness, and peace into our lives, while Satan tries to make everyone miserable.


But for me personally, it doesn't matter how you cut it ----- if this is what the truth really is, then I can't help but feel my life's history in the past in that church was antagonized by wolves in sheep's clothing.


If the truth is that God is pro-happiness and Satan is pro-misery, it very much seems that some kind of Satanic force had infiltrated the church when I was there.


And maybe that's all I've been complaining about all this time. Who knows.

Saturday, April 6, 2019

Pfhonge Theme (Original Keyboard and NEW Guitar)

So, having bought a new G-String for my Squier, and having translated the Pfhonge Theme music into letter-music and having practiced, I now have a recording of the Pfhonge Theme in both Keyboard and Electric Guitar up on Youtube now. Go have a look!



(remember Pfhonge? That OUYA game I developed and tried to sell?)





Friday, April 5, 2019

Recreating the Pfhonge Theme on Guitar

I decided to sit down and translate the music for the Pfhonge Theme into letter music.

Pfhonge was my first game on OUYA and the only game I made my own music for.

I thought O Canada was getting high with the high-G and high-F-sharp ---------

Well, the Pfhonge theme goes a whole octave higher and gets to what I'll call the "Super-High-B".

So:::: the G-String is now essential on my guitar.

But, even so, it's hard to get to the super-high-b on the G-String on my dreadnought shaped acoustic guitar.

And though my electric guitar might have a different body that allows my hand to reach those super-high notes ----

my G-String is broken on my electric guitar and I still have to wait a while for new strings to come in the mail.

So::::: I just have to wait for new electric guitar strings.


And if I want to play the Pfhonge theme without an amplifier handy, I will have to get one of those acoustic guitars that allows your hand to get to the really high notes.


Yeah --- unfortunately, my acoustic guitar is a more traditional shape that doesn't have that cut-out for the hand. Doh.


Other than being unable to reach super-high-b however, Pfhonge is coming along fine.


UPDATE:::::

SO::: I received some funding.

With that funding, I decided to go to a local store and buy some new electric guitar strings --- so I don't have to wait a long time for my Amazon shipment.

I installed the new G-String.

Works like a charm.

I can now play the Pfhonge Theme pretty well on my guitar.

I am now wondering if I should record the song, and upload it in another Youtube video.

It might make sense.



I am just so happy to now be better at guitar than I've ever been before.


I have an understanding of the fretboard, and I'm able to maneuver it - at least in a pre-written song sense.


Yippee.

Thursday, April 4, 2019

That O Canada Sheet Music was actually right after all

Having discovered my new technique of translating a tablature into letter-music,

I used the technique on that copy of O Canada I bought.

While it is true that the chords on the sheet music were in fact not O Canada,

the tablature, on the other hand, is very much O Canada.

I was NOT ripped off after all. yay!!! I apologize for my previous assessment of the sheet music.



I'm going to have to wait for my electric guitar strings to come though::::


The style of the way I would play the song requires a special guitar body that allows me to reach high F-sharp and high G on the D-string -----


So my Dreadnought-bodied acoustic guitar isn't going to work for this.


I have to wait for my electric strings.


And maybe someday way down the line, I can buy one of those special acoustic guitars that allows the hand to easily reach the high notes.


So yeah::::


I APOLOGIZE for commenting solely on the chords on the sheet music without having tried the tablature yet to find out that it was actually good sheet music. Sorry.


Yeah, my O Canada sheet music turned out to have good value after all.



UPDATE:::::::


I would like to note, that maybe the Chords are meant to be played with a Capo ---- but the sheet music does not say where to put it.



Also::::


I managed to get past the part where high-F Sharp is played ----- but shortly after that part the music starts sounding in a way that makes me think ????

Maybe I just translated it into Letter-music wrong.


Maybe O Canada just gets a little bit dull during the middle -------

But after a certain point in the music I've got here, it sounds more like mush than O Canada.

I'm not sure exactly what it is or if I've made a mistake or something. Hmmmmm.

No idea, I might have to ask someone else's opinion.



But, the good news is, I can now play the first part of O Canada. Woohoo.

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

I just learned another song!

I am becoming really quite the bard.

After playing the last song I learned pretty much to death, I decided it was time to learn something new.

I taught myself and memorized how to play "Good King Wenceslas" --- all in one afternoon and evening.

It's a bit of a process:::::

The tablature provided in my book of music shows a way to play the music --- but it's not the BEST way to play the music.

What I did was I translated the tablature in the book into hand-written musical-letter-notes, and from there I redid my own tablature on the fly.

The truth is:::: For many notes on the guitar fretboard::: there is MORE THAN ONE way to play most of them.

I just figured out what the notes were and play them in a way that makes sense to me.

I have to say::::

Growing up, this song always seemed so impressive, but now that I can actually play it, I'm like: "Really? That's all this is?"

I am really quite amazed at myself now. I've finally developed a musical skill.

When I was growing up, our family didn't really have musical instruments except for an electronic piano keyboard my sister had --- but didn't play very much as far as I know.


But now I'm having a blast with guitar, my one sister's daughter is doing piano and my other sister is having her family learn Ukelele. It's absolutely awesome.


We didn't have this as kids. I guess we really missed out.


I don't particularly want to name all the songs I play because I don't want any trolls coming along and giving me any guff about copyrights ------- For one, if the song is in the music book, I just accept a liberty of being able to play it in the comfort of my own home ------ and second, other songs are public domain, even if they weren't for a while, and so on.


If I play a cover on Youtube, I'll be sure to make sure it's allowed first. Don't worry. I found out there's a way to check the Youtube database to find out what songs you can and cannot use in your videos including yes or nos on cover song videos.


yeah.



Anyway::::: Yes, I feel awesome now that I've figured out some music skills.



I've had a guitar for almost a year now ------- but it took me a while to really start to understand the fretboard and move beyond chords.


It's a learning experience.



And I'd very much recommend looking into it --- it IS fun.



I never thought I'd get this far when I was young. I've amazed myself now.

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Deciding How to Vote

So, I've been thinking about the values of the parties I'm considering voting for.

Conservatives/Capitalists believe in paying people for their work.

Socialism believes in being charitable to all. (as I'll define the gist of what I'm saying).

Both of these systems have different values, but both values are legitimate. They are kind of like opposite values, yet they are both good values and are both legitimate.


Socialism is about surviving.

Capitalism is about thriving.

Again, two slightly different ways of living your life. Both are perfectly valid.



But then there's the last comparison I thought about. And though this seems like a no-brainer it might not be and might take some time to think about.


Greens care about life.

Conservatives care about dead dinosaurs.


That is the best and easiest way I can sum that up.


Both sides of the argument have valid points ------- but the whole "environmental" debate really comes down to a battle between pro-life and pro-dead-dinosaurs.


yeah, it's silly, but that's how I'm seeing it.



I was feeling so tempted to vote for the UCP ------ but my realization about pro-life vs dead dinosaurs has got me thinking twice.



It's like this:::::


My friend and I recently sat down to play a game of multiplayer SimCity with each other.


For some strange reason, both of us opted for wind power in our cities over non-renewable?


Why could that be do you think?


It IS a no-brainer.


But apparently, the temptation is hard for some members of the human race. The love of money. The love of dead dinosaurs. Scary. What would Jesus do? (interesting point, no?)


I'm sorry if my self-dialogue seems a bit slanted in one direction, but this IS how I am looking at it.


Both philosophies have valid points. It's just that on the third point, technically speaking, one side is "more valid" than the other. In that sense, at least.



I realize that view may be unpopular where I live, but regardless of how unpopular it is, it is based on reality and is therefore at very least truthy if not true.