Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Instructions from a long time ago

Last night I was thinking back to when I was a young man, growing up.

My Mom told me there were two things I just had to do with my life:::

1) Serve a Mission.

2) Get married.

I even remember my Mom must've realized how poorly my sister was treating me back then and had to deliberately take me aside to tell me to try to love women more so I actually would get married.

Anyway ----- I think it's my Mom's teachings that helped me try to make the deal with God::: in exchange for my exaltation (which entails marriage), I would serve God for the rest of my life.

And you know how well that turned out right?

Within a few years, the Bishop shot that WHOLE THING down.

It's basically what my Mom TOLD ME TO DO -------

But the Bishop decided he didn't want it.

I was given clear instructions, and I was trying to follow them, and BOOM --- the bishop changes his mind.

Yeah --- I'm just wondering how the "gospel" was a "gospel" (good word) when they'd treat me so poorly just because I'm a normal male with hormones.

If I wasn't supposed to masturbate, then why didn't they just tell me who to have sex with? I mean,

that's basically what your options are::: either diddle yourself to relieve the urges, or go have sex with someone.

Just weird how I was mistreated for diddling myself, but they provided no alternate route, while even taking away two potential paths I could have taken.

Anyway ----- this post is mostly the same old things I think about -----

The only difference is remembering that this whole thing began because my MOM WANTED IT -----

And then the Bishop decided to change her mind.



And when I wrote the book about the story about what happened::::: Somehow the church largely couldn't be bothered to actually pay me for it.


Unless the money is hidden in a secret account I've barely been told about.


Huh.


yeah ---- it was an absolutely or mostly worthless experience.


Being given instructions for my life, and then the Bishop just turned that all around.


And people wouldn't even pay me for the story.


And if there is a secret bank account ------ it's really interesting how obfuscated that is and misunderstandable that whole situation can become.


You'd think people would have been able to pay me --- which means there really could be a secret account that I am barely knowledgable about.


The biggest indications I have for a "secret account" are ABM Receipts I saw, plus a certain email I received which could be thought of as spam, but roughly the numbers did calculate which meant maybe it was true.


And of course, even if my Injections nurse alluded to a belief that I am now a wealthy man ----- getting my parents to believe such is possible is a different story.


Yup ---- the whole thing is getting complicated ----- especially when my sources of information are very sketchy.

Friday, March 15, 2019

Feeling Poor Again

Though one could explain my monthly disability benefit as interest paid on millions of earned dollars,

we do NOT KNOW that this is actually true ---- it just seems possible --------

so maybe I'm just living on the government dole like anyone else anyway.




But I can say for certain::: I am feeling poor again.



I had my credit card debt paid off for a little while there.



But now I'm almost maxed out again, I owe my Dad and brother, and I've only got 20 dollars in my wallet for food and little more in my chequing account.


Yeah. Just feeling poor.



I'm in debt again ----- and I only have enough money for a bit of almost daily food until I get my next payment.



The way I'm looking at it right now ---- It could take at least a couple or a few months to get this completely worked out.



yeah, I'm just like anyone else, I guess.


So, no point in complaining ----- just saying that though I may have been feeling a bit manic for the past few days over an idea of potentially having earned so much money,


the reality hits me that I've been spending so much and now I'm poor with the money available to me again. Yeah.

Sharing With Family

This morning I decided to share bits of my theory from yesterday with my Father and Mother.

My father told me I was "hallucinating" ---- which is really weird because hallucinations have nothing to do with this ------- maybe the right word was "delusional" ---- except this can't be a delusion either because I'm well aware that it's just a theory and it may not be true.

My mom, initially, didn't view it as likely either.


But I had to explain to her that many people who become millionaires are bankrupt before long --- it's possible that the bank is actually keeping my money safe even from myself


A while ago I lent my copies of the books "The Secret" and "The Power" to my Mom ----- and I think she may have conceded what I'm saying might have some truth,

especially since she realized we don't live in a third world country and it seems unlikely that nobody was able to afford my products.

Of course, she realized too that if I do have some wealth somewhere that this is a very hush-hush issue ----- so there's a possibility it's true, but then again, I probably shouldn't even be writing on my blog about it ------ except I feel I have to so I can admit there's a possibility that people paid me rather than accusing everyone of something not right.




BUT::::: I have a friend, and I was planning on playing a multiplayer video game with him soon.

He's on the same disability program I'm supposedly on ------

And he does not "own" the game --- have a copy, he does not.

The game costs $15.

He's unable to afford it until the next payment from the government.

I told him I'm running low on budget now too ---- except after the call I realized I'd be able to pay for that if I had to on either of my mastercards ------


So::: I don't know what his budget is like

But it's an interesting concept to compare and contrast two friends who are on the same disability program::::

One has a crackpot theory that's he's actually rich after he just went on a ~$2000 spending spree and could still spend another $15 if he had to,

while the other, who's budget we don't know, was just unable to afford it.


So::: does this mean that most people are unable to afford such things?

or does it mean that I did get sales and I just happen to somehow feel richer?


I don't know --- just a concept to compare and contrast ---- while we are both supposedly on the same disability program.


Anyway ------ it may seem unbelievable, and maybe it should be so it can be hushed up ----- but there's some possibility that may seem plausible that the bank just keeps my money safe from myself.

Yeah. Huh.

Can't say anything for certain ---- but in all seriousness, we have laws against defamation in Canada ---- so I have to do my best not to accuse everyone of ripping me off if there's a possibility that they didn't.

Thursday, March 14, 2019

I Have a Theory

So::: on Monday I said I need to give my brain a rest.

On Tuesday, I felt the normal sensation of choking anxiety which I believe is empathic somehow of my visits to the psychiatric clinic.

On Wednesday, however, I felt normal again. The normal empathy I felt around psychiatric visits was not present. No empathic anxiety, no empathic depression, and my brain felt like it was also in a sort of 'snooze' mode,

Although I think there is still some "inspiration" or "telepathy" coming in, I felt different in my head, as if my brain really was resting, and I felt "normal" again. I hadn't felt quite that way for a long time.

So, on Wednesday, when I spoke to the Injections nurse, I told him I felt normal again.

Not much to say about this except this::::: in my conversation with the nurse, he expressed a sense of belief that I am actually a very wealthy man.

It was just a small comment, and I can understand how he'd think that after our visit 3 weeks ago:::

3 weeks ago I told him I had bought a new electric guitar and a new mac mini and a strange phone call about a 0% interest rate from a local business and this strange email I got that said I have some account somewhere ------

So, of course, we both, 3 weeks ago, viewed some of this information as "highly suspicious", although I am kind of wealthy anyway if I'm able to buy so many new toys so quickly.

Anyway ------ I gave an impression of wealth to the nurse 3 weeks ago, and some of the things I was getting in email and phonecalls didn't seem realistic to anyone ---------


But now for my theory:::::::


About a year ago, on two different occasions when I was at the ABM (bank machine) ---- after I made a withdrawal, the piece of paper from the printer showed a balance ---- and two times that balance was very similar ------- but it wasn't the balance shown in my online banking.


So:::: in about a one month period, a year ago, twice the bank machine seemed to make me aware of a balance that I was told about from no where else.


Either the bank was just being honest with me, it may have been some kind of admission, or else two times in a row the person directly before me in line keeps a crap tonne of money in their chequing.


Anyway ------ So, I remember an estimation of the number I saw both times -------


And I did approximate calculations:::::


If that value was the gross, and this year I'm living "after tax" ------- and since that account does pay interest --------- it's entirely possible that I actually pay for my own disability benefit from the interest I earn on my earnings from the books and the video games.


I might just be living on the interest from my actual account ---- you never know.


The only real clue that says this could be true is a) I was working for so long and I never got paid, and it just seems unrealistic that nobody to could afford my products and b) There were two ABM receipts that showed similar balances both times and what I said before.



Why would the bank not actually just show me the full balance all the time?


There are reasons fof why this could be!


There is a word I could use which describes what they might be doing, but I will avoid it for now -----


I'll just say it's possible that they don't actually have all that money available for my to withdraw. It might just be a number, but actual money at the bank might not be enough to pay for what they owe me.


That's the descriptive way of explaining it.


Maybe it was just decided that I should keep my old lifestyle and live off the interest, at least for a while.


Maybe it might even have something to do with "equalization" ---- maybe they didn't take my money completely away from me ----------- but I just live like I'm anybody else, more or less.


Do I really need to explain this on my blog? Maybe not ----- but I don't want to give the impression that I just view everyone has evil. There might be a good explanation that makes sense that might explain how reality is right now, while the rest of the world was actually still honest in their dealings.


I'm just thinking about why things are the way they are if the world was actually honest with me by actually paying me for my work.


I will also note that yesterday I started humming about my "retirement" ---- like, whether I'm a millionaire or just on benefits, whatever the case may be I don't really need to work [much] anymore. I just felt I could give myself a rest and I felt so retired now.


And yeah, my brain is still resting.



So:::: this is all a theory, with SOME evidence and SOME likelihood of being true.


But really, even if I am just on benefits still ------then it's so impossible to sell anything that it doesn't matter how hard I try ---- I should probably just "retire" anyway.

Monday, March 11, 2019

I should rest my brain

I think a lot. I often think a lot about the past and a lot about the future.

They say that thinking about the past is depressing, and thinking about the future brings anxiety ----


For myself, I have lots of fun thinking about the past often time, and I am able to look to the future with such eagerness and hope.


Of course, when thinking about the past, I might stumble across things that didn't make sense ---- and then I start talking about them ---- and my Dad in particular really does not like that.



So:::: I think about problems that my Dad wants me to forget about ---- and really, I enjoy so much about my life that I can get seemingly overworked in my brain just thinking about it.


I'm thinking or figuring I should give it a rest. I need a way of distracting my mind from all the cares of life --- past and future.


On occasion I'll try to organize a gaming party ------- for board games, I can do this with my immediate household ----- but to play a video game, and I would like to play video games with friends and family I run into the problem that I'm the only person really available for that.

Everyone is either too old or too young, too busy or too disabled.

Board games a lot more people can get involved with ----- but my dreams of playing video games with friends and family are usually only satiated around New Years Day.


I have a lot of things I can think about ------- I have a lot of enjoyment thinking about my life, but my brain gets worked up about it------ and when I think of something that didn't make sense, my family doesn't want to hear it.


So yeah, this blog post is just my statement about wishing I could find rest for my brain, and how hard it is to organize a video gaming event with friends and family.


Is this really finding "rest" for my brain though? Maybe not so much rest but rather getting my mind off of the same old topics.

Sunday, March 10, 2019

I Realized Something About my Life

I was sitting, thinking this morning when I thought in a new direction on an old problem:::::



So:::: Even though I tried so hard to be a good boy, I was not perfect.

And one of the big problems I've had with the church is that the church never seemed to forgive me for ANYTHING I ever did wrong.

I even tried to make a deal with God where I would work for Him in exchange for that forgiveness ---- but the bishop shot that deal down.

Well, according to Spencer W Kimball, a past LDS prophet and Apostle ----- the name of his book was "The Miracle of Forgiveness".

According to historical church records:::: FORGIVENESS IS A MIRACLE.

My Patriarchal blessing told me I would witness and perform miracles.

So:::: whatever happened to that?

I was feeling very unhappy, so the church sent me to the psychiatrists.

And the psychiatrists forced me on drugs because I believed in miracles ---- I was NOT ALLOWED TO BELIEVE IN MIRACLES ------

AND THE CHURCH NEVER DEFENDED MY BELIEF IN MIRACLES.



So that's where the whole thing goes Kablooey.


Just like everyone else, I needed forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a miracle.

My patriarchal blessing told me I'd witness and perform miracles.

But then the Bishop decided I needed to obey psychiatric doctors who did not believe in miracles and the bishop would not even defend my belief in miracles.



SO:::: in the end, we could say this situation fell apart because the Bishop, or the church or some combination of the two were just not faithful in actually believing in miracles.


I know the Bishop would say the word "Forgive" all the time ---- but that word necessitates miracles ------ and the same Bishop wouldn't let me believe in miracles and wouldn't defend a belief in miracles ----- he just had me drugged for believing in things the church originally taught me.


This is where everything went wrong.


Interesting eh?


It was actually basically just a failure of the Bishop to follow his own religion.

Saturday, March 9, 2019

Being Asked Who I support in upcoming election

I've received two text messages in the past while, one from the NDP, and one from the UCP.

They asked me about what I support and who I support.

Here's my take::::

The UCP I vaguely hold in my mind as capitalistic, and there are some good things about a capitalist economy such as "greater freedom", supposedly.

The problem is::::: In my personal efforts in capitalism, trying to sell things, I find people just don't pay me.

I'm aware of many people ripping me off according to pirating sites:::: but getting paid is hard.

This is a big failure of capitalism:::: you might try your best, but it just doesn't work if they don't pay you.



The NDP is seen as a socialist party.

Here's what I like about them:::

I know this is debatable, but a $15 minimum wage is so much nicer for workers who would otherwise be in a worse position. Taking care of the lower class ---- I actually like that.

You see, money or currency is simply society's way of dividing goods and resources between people in that society. I personally value providing more resources to people who are otherwise underadvantaged.

Inasmuch as being super rich might seem nice, well, the Bible warns us that the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil ----- so sharing with the lesser well off people is a value I have.

Being super rich might seem nice ---- but being rich brings its own problems, so why not help provide for the less fortunate?

And then there's the whole fossil fuel thing. Personally, I think that even without the climate debate involved (and I hear both sides of it) ------ even without the climate being a factor, reducing reliance on fossil fuels is probably a good idea ANYWAYS.

Personally, I think developing renewable resources is a no brainer approach to the long term energy question. It might be smarter to start sooner than later.

As for the carbon tax:::: the NDP's way of using it to help poorer families is awesome, and beats what I think I remember hearing about the Liberal way of doing Carbon Tax.

I understand how Conservatives might be upset about the Carbon Tax ------- a big part of it is about money and therefore hoarding resources I guess, Again, I prefer some way of taking care of lesser advantaged people.



In the end, I believe in a society that takes care of everyone, including the poor, although I'm not totally equality based in that I think workers or professionals need proper monetary incentive to do their work.


So:::: at a basic level, I'm leaning towards the NDP this time around again.


In my heart, that actually makes me feel better. I'm serious when I thought about voting UCP my heartfelt wrong somehow. In my heart and in my head the NDP makes more sense.




I know the dream of being super-rich is real tantalizing ----- but usually only the lucky few make it there, and the poorest may suffer because of it.


So yeah. Sharing resources with everyone is good, whilst giving incentive for workers and professionals the do their job. yeah. In fact, there's far more incentive to work for $15 an hour than there is for a much lower price.



Capitalism only works when people actually PAY me for my work. People have just ripped me off mostly thus far. And even if I did make a bunch of money from sales, I personally don't think I'd mind sharing that with others, even in the form of taxes. I donate plenty to charity already as it is.

Sharing resources with the less fortunate is good. And capitalism doesn't work when people don't pay you.


So yeah, I'm leaning NDP again.

Monday, March 4, 2019

Practising Music

In relation to my last post, I will just note something about how I was raised:::

I said in my last post that I was raised accomplishing so much but being rewarded with so little -----

I can also observe that all throughout my childhood the teaching "Everything must be forgiven" was hammered into me constantly.

Something just seems so wrong with that.

There's no deterrent for bad behavior ----- all bad things you do are let off the hook so quickly,

while there's no reward for good things.

No punishment for bad and no reward for good.

Hmmmm.

That does seem to be really messed up ------ but that is actually how I've understood how I was raised.

Yeah ---- it was pretty messed up.

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Anyway ------- so I said in my last post that one of the things on my list of expenses would be fancy new headphones -------

I had an opportunity to do a little shopping today, and I found headphones that might do the job for about $30. Not super fancy, but there's a microphone and decent quality sound ---- so it'll have to do.

Yesterday I started learning and rehearsing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on my electric guitar. I can now play it passably with mild difficulty.

I also looked through my book of guitar songs and decided I would try "Ghost Busters".

1) The strumming pattern given in the book I don't think is quite right, especially when compared with the actual soundtrack on Apple Music.

2) The first two pages of music are pretty much the same thing over and over again ---- and it's not too difficult ---- in fact the easiest chord in the world is used repeatedly (G5).

3) The actual soundtrack for the song uses guitar chords but it's hard to hear any guitar plucking. That's why I suspect the first two pages of tablature are score for the show like when switches sequences or coming back from a commercial break.

I don't recognize the tablature on the first part ---- but the way it sounds I'm guessing it's just additional little soundtrack that just appears during scene changes or returns from commercial breaks. I'm not sure though. The tablature just doesn't seem to fit in the actual soundtrack theme.


But that's just the first two pages. I didn't get past the first little part.


So, I'm pretty sure Mary Had a Little Lamb is public domain -----

while it's OK to play Ghost Busters because it's in a music book I have that's meant to be played.


Anywho ---- Guitar isn't the biggest instrument in Ghost Busters, so yeah, it doesn't sound like much.


Anyway --- guitar is fun.

A Life of No Rewards

I've noticed something about the life I'm living::: rather than living in a society or system where people are rewarded for good behavior or good work, we appear instead to be living in a system where "the squeaky wheel gets the oil".


What I mean is this:::


From very early in Elementary school all the way to grade 11 ---- I was a top student.

Was there any reward for being a top student? Very little --- not much I'm afraid --- in fact, rather than rewarding my good efforts, people seemed to just hate me for being one of the best.


From 2010 to today I've basically been working trying to sell books, video games, and more recently music.

Not much reward there either.


Yeah ----- the squeaky wheel gets the oil ----- this means that society only decided to reward me when everything was going to hell -------


Or in other words, I was abused so much in my life they gave me a disability benefit. I get money because of how badly people treated me.


And you know what? I'm told there were forces at play when I was initially given my benefit that didn't even want me to have control over my own finances!

I mean --- holy cow ----- all the work I do gets no reward, and when I'm a squeaky wheel the benefit given to me --- well, they were trying to make sure I didn't really actually benefit from it. HOLY CRAP!


Well, it goes without saying::::: My agreement with God was thus "In exchange for my exaltation I would serve God for the rest of my life".


Essentially, Avril Lavigne and friends were God's investment in my life to make me live a life of service to God -------


But true to the pattern, no, I'm not allowed to actually have a reward for my efforts, nor am I allowed to have my investment for future efforts.

Huh.

The church really shot itself in the foot there.



Anyway ----- I was just thinking of things I could talk about, and this seemed like the most generalized observation I could make about my life's history.



Good work results in no reward.

Benefits for mistreatment --- people don't even want you to have that much.

And investment in future service wasn't allowed either.


Yeah ----- it's pretty pathetic how things have gone in my life.



People just don't make very good decisions I guess. But economists have known that for a while.



Two more things worth mentioning:::::


I was a top student in school. I was one of the best and brightest.


And look how much I got devalued.


If I was one of the best ----- and I was devalued that much ------- I have to observe that this does not reflect well on the rest of society. There's not much reason that a lesser person than me would be worth more than me.



Also:::::::

It's interesting how there's always something else I would want to buy for this or that reason::::

New computer hardware, fancy headphones, ------ anyway --- the expenses go on and on and on ------

and for some reason, people just don't see fit to let me have reward or investment. I only barely got my benefits by the skin of my teeth, basically.


Isn't that so weird?