On a side note: Just now as I was opening my web browser to write this post - I must've waited 5 or 10 minutes just for the web browser to load.
And then there was that time when it took an hour to order lunch ---- I turned on my computer, waited to boot, waited to log in, waited to open the web browser etc etc ------ really really slow.
I'll be so glad once I finally replace this 1.4ghz mac mini with one of the new macs. Just have to wait patiently.
It's almost like the hard drive on this machine is slower than it has to be.
Anyway:: now for the real post::
A week ago I thought I'd try putting one of my poems from The Book of Finch to music and releasing it this Saturday. But I'm not very trained musically, so the music I added to the song made the poem seem sick --- like, literally it seemed like illness music, something you would listen to if you were about to barf.
So, I put that idea on the shelf.
And then yesterday, I decided maybe I should try writing a song to release on Youtube this Saturday to keep up a schedule -----
So, I wrote the poetry I could feel, the poetry that was inside of me ------
I wrote music for that poetry ---------
And I have to say ------ it's psychotic music. Like, it's what's inside of me, and it might even be a good message to tell, but it's not necessarily a NICE message.
It's the story of going through so much mistreatment repeatedly and just being told to forgive everything.
I leave a lot to the imagination, but if you knew what it was like to experience that in life you may see how such a song could be considered "wrong".
(And though The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints loves telling music it is wrong, this wrong music is a clear product of me living in that church)
Anyway ----- so I wrote a poem, and created some music --- it's what I could do because that's how my soul flows -----
But it's music that's basically on some level, psychotic. Paranoid schizophrenia levels of psychotic.
I mean ---- you know "Let's Talk" ------- it's good to let people know about this sort of thing,
but it's not necessarily a positive message.
And considering how Guidelines of behavior might be, I'm just wondering that maybe I should scrap this song as well. It's on my hard drive, but if I want to be a happy musician and make the world a better place ------ would such unhappy psychotic music help?
I think it COULD help ----- but I know probably someone wouldn't agree with that.
If you had a brain and interpreted my song, it would be taken as a message to always be on your best behavior --------
But it doesn't say that outright.
So yeah, I'm basically wondering if I'll have to scrap this. Maybe in some code of law such a song would be allowed ---- but we're talking YOUTUBE here, where it may or may not be OK ------ as well as a Church of Jesus Christ environment where people can be very judgmental.
So::: it's possible that my music project might have only two songs in it now -----
Simply because I write what I feel, and what I felt, trying to stay on schedule, someone might not like.
And the truth is, I've felt this way, I've had concerns over these thoughts for many years now ------ and the only real place I can discuss it is with my doctor. Nobody else wants to hear it.
So ----- Though I could have written more and produced a weekly song (maybe), I might have to shut down my own project, simply because I am full of grief and often don't have much else to talk about, in the depths of my soul.
I basically have to make deliberate effort to be happy really.