Sunday, January 27, 2019

Achieving Goals

I was up early this morning, around 1 AM. At some point during my long morning silence I could hear rain falling, and some thunder -----

So I decided to turn off my macs.

Later in the day, when I decided to turn my 1.4ghz Mac Mini back on again ---- well, I was doing something else for most of the boot process---- but when I sat down to log in and use the machine ------- it was laboriously slow. I mean, really slow.

I don't think one could reliably run a business on such a machine.

The hard drive is slow, there's only 4gb of RAM and a pretty big operating system --- and the processor is only 1.4ghz --------

So I'm estimating that it must've taken at least 15 minutes to log in and get a web browser started.

That process was so slow and painful that I decided to look at my budget and see what it'll take to buy one of the new Mac minis.

In about 30 days, if I keep "wasteful" spending to a minimum, I may be able to buy a low-end new Mac mini ----- If I sell some assets/dig deep into my savings.

At that point, once I have that new computer system to make my day just so I don't have to feel very slow pain ------ then I can use my 1.4ghz machine, hopefully, as a High Sierra machine again.

I'll be a lot closer to setting up a new development environment at that point, especially as I'll be able to have access to the old system and a new system on the same desk. Yay.

Will I develop more or release or re-release anything ever? Who knows.

To be honest, I've been feeling lately quite a bit like "my work is done" or "mission accomplished".

I'm only looking short-term into the future, but all I see myself doing is writing on this blog. And maybe longer term into the future maybe developing something --- if I ever get really creative again.

I feel like I've come so far in life ------- I was so down in the dumps emotionally and psychologically in my life -------- I have come a long way since then. I am so much happier now. In this way, at very least, I can definitely feel like I've accomplished a mission to come back to good health.

The one big thing that sometimes my mind will dwell on is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints' doctrine on forgiveness, especially as they are constantly explaining it in D&C 64.

You get baptized into the church where they try to tell you that this is a commitment you are making to basically live your life perfectly or as best as possible ---- and though since the day of your baptism they committed you to doing your best and living as perfectly as possible,

for who knows what reason they always automatically assume you are the worst person when anything goes wrong.

What I mean is:::::

1) You got baptized.
2) You commit to live perfectly
3) Time moves on
4) Someone does something very bad
5) You feel this person should be disciplined, especially to help them never do it again
6) The bishop just whips our D&C 64 and makes the automatic blanket statement that you are the worse sinner.

To me, this does not make any sense. You are raised and taught to be perfect, to be like God, yet they always automatically assume that you've always done something worse than the original offender, regardless of how perfectly you tried to live. It is not a system based on actual merit. That is, however, how I was raised.

(On a side note, don't you think it's weird how the church is obsessed with how you should never criticize people, but for some reason the Bishop is always accusing people who tried their best that they are the worse person regardless of actual merit? yeah --- it's weird).

The church was always telling me that I'm always the worse person. It didn't matter how bad the crime was ---- I'm always the worse one.

Quite frankly, I think the church was actually just abusing me with D&C 64---- especially when I eventually started doing things wrong, and then they didn't even forgive me for what I did ------ something was very, very wrong.

And that's about the biggest psychological issue I still have to think about today. I'm mostly doing good ----- but that doctrinal issue is the one thing that consistently still bothers me.

And then any other tangent you can think of about LDS Church doctrine might ever come up in my head. At any point.

I am mission accomplished in the sense that I was dropped into madness and I've pretty much climbed out of that madness and am back in a good state again -------

But if my actual goals in life had been completed I would have brought the world to repentance so people would be honest and would have actually paid for books rather than pirating.

I don't think I'll ever be going back to church now though.

On another note::::: it's so weird how the church places huge emphasis at baptism for REPENTANCE ------- but after baptism we never hear from repentance again and from that time on they just emphasize FORGIVENESS ------ no one is actually required to repent it seemed like.

Just saying how you think life will get better when you repent and get baptized because your family will actually start to behave ----------

when what happens instead is they completely forget about the repentance thing, and then it all becomes about ALL FORGIVENESS ALL THE TIME -------- meaning no one is actually trying to be perfect, and no one will ever be enforced into being such.

Yeah I don't know --- I'm just pointing out a bait-and-switch here --- they attracted me to the church with their words of REPENTANCE, but once you are actually in it was never about repentance, it was actually all about FORGIVENESS.

So yeah.

My life's work feels mostly complete now, but we'll see if I can get a new development environment set up and if I can get creative again ---------

and I'm feeling a lot better these days, but still have some bothersome psychological memories about what I went through in the church.

No comments:

Post a Comment