Tuesday, July 16, 2019

My Response to Avril Lavigne's Latest Charity, Video and Note


Avril held a charity event:::: and this time I did not participate.

The easiest answer to give for why is that I recently got rid of my credit card, I spent a whole month not spending much besides food, and then this past month I went on a bit of a spending spree and will have only about $100 at the end.

Not to mention her t-shirt sizes are always too small for me.

And then there's also that her Fanclub seemed to hate me ever since the day I joined. Yeah ----- that's not very inspiring.

Anyway ------ when I saw Avril's new music video, uh, some of the things about it help me realize she may have been making references to me.

And then she released a note on Twitter ---- about dark people seeming like angels and letting go of all the toxic relationship she had and all the bad things people have done to her.

I think I have every idea where that might be coming from, ok, maybe not EVERY idea --- but some idea.

You see, like I said when I first joined her Fanclub ----- I was pretty much hated right off the bat ------ and yes, there were reasons why her Fanclub was actually pretty toxic I would say.

Also::::: At that time, my Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Satins Bishop had just been telling me that Avril pretty much can't be saved or receive salvation, pretty much just because she's a rock star -------

which is a pretty stupid and toxic thing to say.

With her reference to dark people seeming like angels and the toxic relationships she wants to let go of::::::

Could this have anything to do with me, personally?

I know my life had some very bad toxicity in it --- since I was very young ----- and I did tell Avril a bit about it. She may have gotten very disturbed by what I told her about my life ------ because I have to admit that some of the things I went through really should never have happened. But it happened over, and over, and over again. Which is .a real pity.

My own life was "steeped in negativity", as I say in a song I wrote and tried to share with Avril once.

And almost regardless of how bad it got in my life ------ I did try to be a good person.

Does this make me a dark person who seems like an angel? With all the toxicity in my own relationships and all that?

I realize I have to fear the possibility that despite my attempts or drive to be good-natured ---- with all the toxicity I've experienced in my own life I can't help but wonder if Avril is referring to me in any way.

But then again ------- her Fanclub did pretty much hate me ever since I joined and it never really got any better ------- so maybe she's making a reference to someone else or some other people --- who knows.

So with the fear that with all the bad things in my own life that went on ------- I just have to say that I have some of the deepest love and admiration for Avril Lavigne, she has helped me so much with the stuff she has done and I really appreciate her.

She had my gratitude for her work ----- she helped me figure out some things that I needed to know -------

And I'll end by saying that knowing how bad things were in my own life, with how much I love and respect Avril it would be too bad if I am considered one of those people she wants to "close the casket" on. Maybe I am, who knows, but I would hope we can work past the dark times.

I just love her so much, and I would hope she and I can be friends still -------- I just have some fear that all the bad stuff that was in my life might make her want to get rid of me. So yeah.

And though I could suspect that all that bad stuff in my own life experience is something she doesn't like about me --------

It's always possible that she's just referring to a toxic Fanclub (which it was) or the way my Bishop treated her.

Whatever she thinks about me, I just wish to express my deepest gratitude for what she's done in my life, and wish her the best. And I hope she and I can still be friends.

Sunday, July 14, 2019

Some Explanation Found

Last night my Mom asked my brother if he really needs to use one mug for each cup of coffee he makes using the Keurig.

He DOES actually feel he needs to use one mug for each cup of coffee he makes.


A few mornings ago when I found two mugs with two K-Cups beside each of them ------ looked like the strangest thing in the world to me ---------

But that, apparently, IS in fact how my brother drinks his coffee, and I'm sure he drinks a lot of coffee.

That explains one part of this story.

My brother does use one mug per serving of coffee he drinks ----- he doesn't reuse the mugs until the mugs have been through the wash.

That explains that then.

So::::: was I really encountering some kind of coffee fairy?

The simple truth is:::::: My brother's answers to some questions would indicate there is a coffee fairy -------

But I already know that my brother doesn't always tell the truth, due to his illness, so there's a huge possibility that regardless of what he says ----- it's actually just him, who knows why- taking my coffee and leaving me some money for it.

Angel: maybe ------ brother: more likely ---------

but that doesn't explain the voice that woke me up the other night. I don't know. There was a voice, and though I don't remember it fully as well as when I heard it ---- I'm sure there was a voice.

What about my chocolate bars and star wars playing cards then?

Maybe sometimes things just go missing ---- which explains the star wars playing cards --------

so those missing chocolate bars were either evidence that there really might be some spectre taking my supplies ------- and I actually don't feel right about accusing my brother each time ---- although with his illness he really might be that confused.

Ah ----- one more bit of evidence -------- I also have two other methods of making Coffee that do not involve K-Cups ----- they involve plain ground coffee -------

I had a large tin full of coffee which I eventually used up so much, almost completely ----- that I gave the tin to my father because he wanted it.

It's the strangest thing ----- after some time my Dad returned the tin to me ------- well, the tin apparently got partially reloaded. Somehow. No explanation.

The tin, when finished, had way less coffee in it ------ and then more coffee found its way in there and my Dad decided to return the tin.

So either my family really is playing some sort of game or trick on me ---------- or there is some magic.

There is no explanation of how a mostly empty tin got partially reloaded.

And that is another thing to mention for this storyline.

Friday, July 12, 2019

Heard a Voice Now

I woke up at about 4:20-4:25am.

I was woken up by hearing a voice.

The voice was male. The best analysis that I could make immediately after hearing it was that it MIGHT have sounded like a young version of my dead Grandfather.

I did wonder if I made the noise myself ---- but I didn't ---- my vocal cords were not feeling operational -------- if that makes any sense to you.

What did the voice say?

It wasn't even a whisper --- it was spoken loudly enough to more than wake me ---- it was a male voice, comparable to my dead Grandfather:

It said "OH". Or "O".

This was about 20 minutes ago.

Yeah ----- this NEVER happens. I was awoken by a voice.

I turned on my bedside light --- I could not see anyone.

Because of the way the voice sounded, I have some reason to suspect it was Grandpa --- and that he's now young again.

My Grandfather actually died last November I believe, shortly before Remembrance Day.

The day he died, I was in the bathroom at a store, when I started to faintly hear "The Last Post" play ------ nobody else reports having heard the song, maybe because I was just alone in the bathroom.

Anyway. Yeah.

I tried standing in the living room, having made some coffee, and saying "Hello? Hello Ghost?" ---- but there is no response --- I am not sure about how to go about doing stuff like this.

When I grew up in the church ---- the church made rumours of magical or spiritual happenings second nature. This kind of talk is what I grew up with.

I never went to the temple, but I hear a rumour that in the temple there are things they aren't supposed to talk about.

Anyway, despite being raised with stuff like this and how it became second nature --- it is just a little weird how the church put me into psychiatry with my beliefs in stuff like that. Just weird about the church yet again.

Not sure what else there is to say.  This morning I was awoken by a ghostly voice. Kind of like Grandpa.

Does this explain the coffee fairy? Just very interesting series of events.

Thursday, July 11, 2019

The Coffee Fairy

I woke up at a bit after 2am this morning.

I did have a cup of coffee.

After sitting around for a while, I realized it was still pretty early so I went back to lay down in bed.

While I was in bed, I could hear someone upstairs.

I eventually got out of bed again and went to have another cup of coffee.

It's the weirdest thing, but I suspect some of my K-Cups went missing again.

I DID hear someone walking around ----- and then I find my coffee supply diminished more than it probably should have been again.

So, I drank my coffee and waited for other members of the family to get up to ask them.

My brother finally got up a moment ago.

I asked him if he was up around that period of time.

He said he was probably awake, but not actually up.

He may have made a bathroom visit.

This does not sound like someone who has taken my coffee. No --- my brother is not the explanation if he is being truthful.

This now seems to be kind of like a Santa Claus thing ---- someone visits in the night to take coffee, and also leaves payments for coffee on the kitchen table during the night.

The coffee fairy. Huh.

This might seem fantastical ----- but I am actually telling truth from real reality.

My coffee among, other supplies, has a tendency, it seems to diminish faster than I consume it.

So --- yeah, this is just something interesting to mention on my blog.

The mystery of the Coffee Fairy.

Not sure what else to say. This has actually been going on for quite a while and I am only mentioning it just now.

The most recent payment during this story's timeline was $10. Usually, the payment is $20.

I guess I can live with that. It actually feels kind of good ---- to be able to actually sell something ----- considering all these years of distribution with nothing in return.

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

I'm serious --- something strange really is going on

I just came back home from a family errand my parents were doing.

Before we left, about 2 or 3 hours ago, I was calling back the dentist about an appointment the dentist office wanted to make for a teeth cleaning.

My dentist is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He's always reminding me about the church whenever he talks to me.

Well, I made the phonecall --- they picked up ---- and very quickly the whole telephone call was just disconnected.

Is this a sign that a ghost not want me to be involved with church anymore? That dentist office is one of the last connections to the Church I have in my life besides my Mom and Sisters ----- so did a ghost just disconnect my phonecall to one of the last traces of the church in my life?

I mean ---- Phonecalls have pretty much never "just disconnected" my whole life -------

So while I'm having spooky experience with Angels buying Coffee ------ Phonecall with Church Dentist office gets disconnected.

Yeah ---- I can actually feel myself tear up about this --- I don't know why.

But that phonecall disconnection is absolute evidence, even proof, of something besides normal going on.

Just Interesting and Weird

So on Saturday afternoon to Sunday Morning, I was writing about how some of my Keurig Coffee Pods were obviously missing from a package ------

There were only two possible explanations::: Either my brother or some kind of Ghost or Angels.

My brother told me that his coffee pods also disappear faster than he drinks them.

And then by Sunday Morning, I find payment for the coffee on the Kitchen table.

So: either there's a ghost or angel that buys our coffee ------ or my brother is confused and tells me his coffee goes missing but then pays me for that for some reason. I don't know.

Then, by Tuesday, on a walk around the neighbourhood----- well, my brother was still asleep in his bedroom at that time, but I find a man who looks very much like my brother walk past and greet me.

Today the story gets a little weirder.

I woke up about 20 minutes ago. I was making a cup of coffee when I noticed something:::::

On the stove, by the coffee maker -------- there are two coffee mugs just sitting there. Each coffee mug has a K-Cup of decaf placed before it (2 coffee mugs and 2 unused K-Cups of decaf).

Why? I have no idea. This never happens. My parents don't drink coffee.

Either it really is some kind of ghost ---------

Or we can all feel very much wonderment about how confused my brother's thinking is.

Either this stuff about coffee missing and payment and strange arrangement of mugs and K-Cups is all due to a ghost ---------

Or my brother is engaging in really, really confusing behaviours where he takes my coffee even though he has his own ---- then he only just says his own coffee also goes missing ----- then he pays me overpriced values for all this coffee ------- and for no reason I could ever understand places two mugs on the stove with one K-Cup (unused K-Cup I should say) each sitting there.

It's possible that my brother IS actually a very confused individual ----- he has had problems for a very long time ---------

So now it's just weird that there was also that guy on the block who looks JUST LIKE my brother.

That guy maybe was some kind of doppelganger ---- or who knows if it was a ghost of some ancestor that my brother's appearance took after. It would even be weirder fi it was an actor.

Not a whole lot is making sense.

Either my brother is very, very confused and his double has appeared now -------

Or there's some kind of ghost or angel making very real interactions with us in our home.

My parents don't drink coffee. They don't explain any of this.

This has just gotten really strange. Either my brother either has deeply weird issues in his head --- which he might,

Or some kind of paranormal phenomena has been occurring.

It just doesn't make any sense why there are two coffee cups with 2 K-Cups sitting there like that.

It doesn't make any sense at all.


As for that movie I sensed a personal relation to when I read the synopsis ---- I learned more about the movie ----- and though the movie isn't really about me ------ it can be seen to be very relatable to my life experience even now. I still see some comparison.

There's my life ---- and The Number 23 is like a retelling of my life ------- and then this movie is like .a completely different way, seemingly, of telling parts of that story yet again, it seems like. Just strange to me. And this is only from what I understand of the basic premise of the movie as talked about in "preview videos" and the synopsis. I just see it as relatable.

This sort o thing has happened in my mind over and over and over again. Maybe I'm the one with the weird psychology now.


My parents are finally up now. I talked to my Dad as he sat in his bed about my finding with the two coffee cups.

He says he himself also found this happening the other night.

He attributes it to my brother ---- my brother organizing his coffee drinking.

SO:::: To my Dad, this really might just be a really strange behaviour from my brother.

Why does one man, my brother, need two different coffee cups instead of just one? I have no idea.

Doesn't make sense ---- but this is apparently what I live with.

I DID say it's possible that my brother is just a very confused person. It doesn't really make any sense ---- but this is the truth of my reality.

On a side note, I could say that I'm just wasting my life because most members of my family haven't figured out "the way to be" yet ---- and I'm not allowed to teach them either it seems.

I myself have been attributed with mental illness, but I view myself as basically being lightyears ahead of my family ----- and that my family's problems just rub off on me because I'm around them all the time.

There are better "ways to be" ------- but I can't force my family to adopt those ways, so this is what I live with. And, yeah, I myself am considered mentally ill because of it.

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Relating to yet another movie synopsis

One of the big things behind my book The Book of Finch is that I felt my own personal life related so extremely well to the movie "The Number 23".

This has also kind of sort of happened with other texts, such as that Sci-Fi flick "Valerian".

Clues for why I relate to Valerian::::: I'm Kris Attfield. Chris Hadfield is an astronaut with a comparable name. An actress with name comparable to "Lavigne". Blue people living in tropical paradise relates to Blaine Bananatree -----stuff like that.

Anyway ----- I've only just seen the Poster for this movie and read the synopsis:::::

But I'm already seeing comparisons between it and myself.

Unfortunately, I will not say which movie this is or what is relatable necessarily about it ------

BECAUSE::::: it's obvious that one of the characters in the movie might be named after a character of at least some small importance in my own life::::: but I was warned long ago not to actually identify numerous people in my own work ----- so for the sake of maintaining one person's privacy, I won't be able to tell you about this new movie I feel comparisons to from the Synopsis alone.

The movie isn't really about me. But it could be seen to probably have been inspired by something about my life.

Why do I see things like this going on in my life?

Probably from my relationship with God. I made a deal with God when I was young, and God seems to be fulfilling his side of the deal as best He can ---- even if the Church I was raised in is completely oblivious.

There may be or probably are other factors involved besides "just God" ----- but I don't think I could possibly tell you about those factors, largely because I don't really know.

But one thing I can reveal is that Ancestry.com has told me about my famous relatives ---- many of them are distant cousins, and though this is just speculation, it's not necessarily impossible that some of my cousins MIGHT (or might not) be involved. You never really know. But this might be an explanation.

I mean, you really never know:::: one interesting fact about my family is my Grandparents and their kids knew Jim Carrey's family before he was famous if I remember the family lore properly.

I suppose you might view myself "making connections" and comparing myself to movies like The Number 23 or Valerian as some symptom of my Schizophrenia.

It's true, those two movies technically aren't really me ----- but they compare so completely well ----- and that's exactly what I learned to look for in English Class in High School.

Part of my personal problem in my own life is my Dad was never really any good at English classes and he's not aware of things like comparing and contrasting like I was trained to do in High School English.

To my Dad, who was never any good in English class, these comparisons I make are more likely things of mental illness.


It's getting weirder now.

I this update MIGHT relate more to my previous blog post --- but I'll say it here.

As my parents and I were going for a walk just moments ago, we walked past this truck that was idling with no driver inside. The kind of truck that would be easy to steal I'm sure.

My Dad seemed to express the most confusion about this in his body language ---- but we just kept walking, left the truck alone.....

As I walked a short distance later, a man emerged from a gateway in a yard.

He looked VERY MUCH like my brother. Like a body double.

My brother had a hairstyle from years ago:::: this man's hair looked much like my brother's hair, the exact same color --- looked much like my brother. Most people DO NOT look like my brother.

Just the strangest thing.

I continued walking, and this man who looked like my brother, I heard him get into that truck and drive away.

Strange things. My brother was asleep that whole time too, in his bedroom.

This man was a little bit shorter than my brother.

I know what I saw, and yes, it's the strangest stuff. Weird but true.

Saturday, July 6, 2019

Unbelievable but seems likely

Over the years, sometimes my stuff just goes missing. Nobody ever knows where it goes.

Shortly before Lucasfilm was bought by Disney --- I had bought a deck of holographic Star Wars playing cards. They were really quite nice. But they disappeared shortly after I bought them.

I've lost two different sets of install discs for two different operating systems, although that sort of thing was a long time ago.

I've noticed that my bar fridge's supply of drinks also seems to disappear a lot quicker than I ever drink them.

I buy so much ---- and I'm pretty sure it disappears without me drinking that much.

I recently opened a new 30-pack of Keurig K-Cups of coffee. I only drank 2 or 3 of those K-Cups so far.

But I look at my supply in that box, and more than just 2 or 3 of the cups are missing. I'm 100% certain I've only drunk 2 or 3, but more than 2 or 3 are missing.

When I talk about it with my brother ---- he reports the same thing ------- nobody ever goes into his room, yet his supply of coffee in his room dwindles way faster than he's drinking it.

It's like there's a ghost that comes to our house and steals our coffee and stuff.

Also::: a month or two ago I bought a great supply of Chocolate bars. Half those chocolate bars disappeared way faster than they should have.

It really does seem like there's a ghost that comes along and steals our supplies.

I just thought I'd report that ---- especially now that I'm 100% certain I only drank 2 or 3 K-Cups but more than that are now missing.

I'm also kind of upset about losing those Star Wars playing cards. Playing Cards are easy to come by ---- but those playing cards are NOT easy to come by especially since Lucasfilm was bought by Disney and they were especially nice cards too. It's really too bad.

UPDATE: Payment Received:::::

I'm up at 4am, and just a moment ago I found a note on the table that said "For Coffee" with TEN Dollars with it ----- the payment for my coffee I suppose.

Just yesterday evening I watched one of my parents clean up all the used K-Cups sitting around the Keurig.

I've found probably 8 used K-Cups that my brother drunk in one night. Some are decaf, some are not -------- he drinks A LOT of coffee. Probably more caffeine than he should.

And either the "ghost" or my brother is paying me for my coffee now too.

If I ask my brother about the money ---- he will claim responsibility ----- which means if he drinks my coffee, he turfs the used K-Cup somewhere where I don't see it ---- unlike most coffee we drink where we just leaving the used cup sitting by the Keurig.

I don't know ------ it's a little weird ------- but for whatever reason, my brother decided to pay me for my coffee.

Personally, I would only charge $1 per K-Cup ------- he seems to voluntarily spend more than he has to ------- although maybe I'm not aware of all his drinking habits (he might have dived into my 80 pack of Decaf).

With all my supplies that have gone missing over time, maybe I shouldn't argue with his decision to pay me handsomely ----- it's actually very considerate of him.

I could go on about how I find unexpected loot in my house sometimes ---- and then my parents usually claim responsibility ----------

but I'll just say one day I found all the supplies needed for making Smores on the kitchen table ----- my Dad claimed he bought them ------- and then we didn't even eat them. We just put them away.

Bought supplies for smores and we didn't eat them? Weird.

Along with supplies just disappearing, sometimes it seems like supplies just appear in our house too ------ but, of course, my parents commonly claim responsibility for this.

I dunno ------Trade and barter have gotten confusing enough when I distribute at least a thousand products but make less than $20 on them.

Whatever inspired my brother to give me $10 for just a few K-Cups ---- I would say he's over-charging himself, but hey ----- it's really nice of him actually ----- especially considering all the times I didn't get paid in my actual business.


Just think about how strange that is:::: Some of my coffee disappears ----- I ask my brother --- he doesn't know where it went, and claims his own coffee supplies dwindle faster than he drinks.

and then during the night I find a payment for coffee on the kitchen table.


My brother doesn't claim to drink my coffee ---- he says his own coffee goes missing too ----- my parents don't drink coffee ------- we both notice this, have no idea where it's all going ---------

and then I find $10 on the kitchen table to pay for the coffee.

Really, really mysterious.

It might be that my brother is just really-really confused ----- that has happened before I think -------

But yeah, this doesn't make a lot of sense. It really does seem like there's some kind of ghost or angel that visits, takes our coffee, and leaves payment.

In the past, I've found payments of like $20 for coffee at times as well. I always assumed it was my brother ----- but can I really be certain? $20 would pay for a whole 30 pack ---- and yet not THAT much is taken. Hmmm. Weird.

Sunday, June 30, 2019

It seems impossible to get paid

I did a search for ebook downloads of my books.

I found one.

The first edition of The Book of Finch.

I DO actually allow people to download the first edition of this book ---- BUT I ask that people buy the 3.4 edition paperback of The Book of Finch in concert with downloading the first edition. That is what I allow. The first edition free download, in my mind, is only ok if you also buy the 3.4 edition paperback.

Unfortunately, as is pretty regular with humanity ------ nobody cares about the limitations I say I have on downloads. Nobody cares about paying the author it seems like.

The download page I found said there were 1214 ratings of my book.

That's just ratings. That's probably just a fraction of all the downloads.

Though it may feel good to get an average of 4.3 out of 5 stars rating on the most poorly written edition ------

Well, it just seems to be impossible for me to actually sell things.

Maybe I do sell --- never find out about it ---- and then maybe the government takes it. Who knows - maybe.

It would be nice to see actual sales reports though --- it would be nice if people were honest with me.

Plus --- the royalties at this point would be lucrative enough to probably be worth a small fortune, at least.

But ---- I get nothing from it ------ nearly everyone has refused to pay me for anything I've ever done.

I guess I should just count my blessings that I was able to pay my debt ---- that my disability payment increased substantially over the years and that I can live pretty happy as it is even without royalties.

yay me.

If I wanted to get my own place to live though, I would probably need those royalties.

I guess, in the end, I can feel I accomplished SOMETHING by having so much distribution with such high ratings.

I suppose there's a silver lining that many people seem to have accepted my work. That in itself is something I'm sure.

Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Goodbye OUYA. I'll miss you.

Today is the day OUYA servers shut down completely.

I was still able to access my dev portal though.

In the end, I had, as of the last count, 4009 total game downloads on the system.

The last purchase I had was in December of 2016 until yesterday evening someone actually paid for a copy of The Bananatree Brothers.

It was nice to see one last sale, although it took YEARS for it to finally happen.

Of course, last night I was looking at my specific game stats, and ICBM had an exact download count of 666 --------- so that seems like a bit of a joke. Of course, after releasing the game there was an extended period of time where it had a big bug that took me forever to fix because our family barely ever played and no one decided to drop me a bug report ----------- so of all my games, ICBM is probably the one I screwed up on the worst.

I do wonder if Razer will eventually get around to finally paying me something now that it's all over. Who knows.

I'm sad to see the OUYA go. OK --- last night I was actually feeling pretty good ----- but OUYA was so awesome it is regrettable that it didn't experience greater success.


The following has nothing to do with OUYA:::::

It's a bit of a continuation of a previous post, where I am now going to try to say something nice about people who "offended" me in the past.

So::::: as a kid my sister really gave me a hard time. But now, as an adult, she's like a completely different person. It's like a body-double replaced her kind of. My childhood was hell and torment living with the problems she created, but as an adult, she's quite a bit more reasonable and likable. I just thought I should clarify though.

I also kind of figured I might try to say something nice about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. But then I figured maybe I shouldn't touch that one with a ten-foot pole.

There are so many issues regarding the church -------- though at first when you first join it seems like exactly what you are looking for, at it sounds like something great --------- well, there are a zillion issues it took me years to find out about.

I guess I can say that their doctrine of forgiving everything has its uses. If everyone actually tried to do what the Church taught --- be perfect and forgive everything else ---- the world might actually be a much better place. Unfortunately, when I grew up I saw it over and over again that people just didn't follow what the church actually taught. They just didn't. It's like they didn't even try. That made it unliveable.

Another teaching that all indications show was a good teaching was "Give said the little stream" ----- giving is actually a very good thing in so many ways.

Also::: the church taught "Let us oft speak kind words to each other" ----- also a very good teaching.

And the simple unfortunate truth about the experience of my life in that church is people simply just did not actually follow the teachings.

Teachings were to be found left right and centre ---- we were indoctrinated ---- and some of it was pretty good --------

But in so many ways, people just didn't actually follow it ------ which means what I experienced in that church is not actually how that church was actually meant to be ----- so who knows how it would turn out if people actually tried what they were supposed to do.

They kept on saying "I know it's true".

But I didn't get to know if it was true simply because people didn't follow the rules, and since people didn't even follow the rules I didn't get the find out the outcome of the "truth".

So:::: the church probably shouldn't be touched with a ten-foot pole in the end ------ but they did try to teach some good ideas, which the membership pretty much typically didn't actually seem to follow ------ so the whole thing was largely pointless in the end.

Sunday, June 23, 2019

Evidence of Spiritual Trickery

So::: for an atheist, this blog post might seem way out in left field -- so you've been warned about how I spiritually see reality.

WARNING:::: This blog post discusses things of a sexual nature, and may seem "off" to some readers. You've been advised. Avert your eyes if that sort of thing makes you uncomfortable.

One of my personal claims about my own life is that I only started masturbating because I was sexually molested by a ghost shortly after my grandmother died in 1998.

Of course, nobody wants anyone to be blamed for sexually molesting me --- especially in a highly Mormon family -------

but the simple truth is that initially, I DID NOT CHOOSE TO MASTURBATE.

I made no effort to choose to do such a thing.

In fact, I was trying to choose not to do it as it was happening.

But ---- if a ghost molested me ---- the Church can't let the ghost be blamed, and though it wasn't my own choice I get punished for a sin next to murder simply because I started feeling way too horny.

Anyway ------ Just a moment ago this evening I experienced some evidence that there's some possibility of truth to my claim of being molested by a ghost.

For a good long while now ---- I've enjoyed NOT feeling horny.

But as I lay in bed, looking at my iPad ------- I started feeling pretty horny.

I simply sent out a telepathic thought ----- "I feel like I'm being molested by a ghost right now".

Very quickly ----- I mean, it was like magic -------- the horny feelings just vanished, they disappeared.

I really enjoy when I'm not addicted to sex. I want sex to go away.

Feeling those horny feelings has never been good for me.

It's interesting how just moments ago telepathically thinking the thought "I'm being molested by a ghost right now" very quickly, somehow, disappeared the horny feelings.

And I feel normal again. No need to have sex.

Yeah ---- that's evidence that there is some kind of spiritual or magical reality that suggests I really may have been sexually molested as a kid ---- whether it be somehow spiritual or magical.

If it really is just hormones, what I think should have no effect on how horny I feel.

And typically ------- those horny feelings don't go away until I've finished jerking off.

So::::: There really is a magical reality ----- I just needed to telepathically cry "wolf!" and quickly the horny feelings went away.

In a sense it's too bad that the church has to blame me for a sin next to murder simply because I was molested by a ghost.

But then again ----- some Youtube videos have helped me realize that in the minds of the church members, my sister who repetitively verbally abused me and my brother as children is way less sinful than me with my masturbation.

All that name calling and bearing false witness was apparently more acceptable to the Lord than the guy who got sexually molested by a ghost.

So yeah ----- I don't see why I would really want to be with those people.

If I was suffering from a ghostly sexual abuse problem ---- it wasn't going to be solved by a church that didn't allow for a ghost to be blamed. It's that simple.

So yeah.

You'd think with all the church doctrine about spirits and devils and baptism for the dead and all that ----

Claiming you've been molested by a ghost or demon would be a thing in the church -------

but it actually wasn't.

The idea fits with the whole narrative of the mythology ----- but they still didn't accept that as an explanation for how I lost my chastity.

Strange huh?

Monday, June 17, 2019

Pretty Good News

On Sunday Morning my Sister and her family decided to stop over at our house.

We realized my brother-in-law hadn't seen me play my guitar yet ---- so I decided to perform a little.

When I was done ----- there was a suggestion that I could find some more sheet music, and then perform a song accompanied by my niece on piano/keyboard.

We'll have to think more about what kind of music we'll play ---- but it would be an interesting experience to try to put together a performance together with my niece. I've never done that before, besides singing in a choir.

So, that's good news, and might be interesting to pursue--- a suggestion of performing with my niece who plays keyboard/piano.

When the latest iPhones were announced, I wasn't very interested --- largely because of the lack of a home button. To me, the home button made so much sense.

But recently, I figured I had chewed up the battery on my iPhone 6s too much ----- so I decided to upgrade.

I got the iPhone XR.

The iPhone 6s is puny compared to the iPhone XR.

The iPhone XR is actually pretty good, it's really nice actually ------ I wouldn't necessarily grade it 100%, again, because of the lack of a home button, so it's probably gradable at 95+% --- something like that.

I don't have any gripes with it except for some games are harder to close down because of the lack of the home button. And that Face ID is defeated by sunglasses. Other than that, it's a really nice device.

But ------ Canadians, many Canadians, are up to their eyeballs in debt according to some reports ----- and the price tag on the iPhone XR is pretty heavy --------- so that's something to consider.

I only felt ready to pay the price because I've paid all my debts and have a decent sustainable income so I can afford it. I think I'm in a special position for that reason ---- I think there are many who might not be able to afford so much. Just something to consider: your pocketbook.

Shortly after I signed up for this new phone, just today I found out my carrier is offering a promotional plan ---- a supposedly slightly lower price with supposedly better service quality.

It's tempting ---- but I don't want to mess up the computer systems by changing my plan twice in one month, so I'm thinking I might hold back on that.

But, the promotional plan might make the phone a little more affordable. That's good news.

So, to sum up this post::::

It was suggested I could perform my guitar with my niece playing piano.

iPhone 6s is puny compared to iPhone XR --- iPhone XR is pretty nice actually -

and financial situations might not be able to afford iPhone XR ---- but that might be remedied a little bit by a promotional plan my carrier currently has for sale. It's not much of savings though. It's just a little better.

I suppose I could end this post with a statement about class ---- considering I feel able to afford something that so many other people might not be able to afford.

What is my class?

Considering that I grew up pretty much lower class ---- maybe upper-lower-class -------

Being so low on the totem pole when I was young, these days I can just feel like upper class simply because of how much better I'm doing these days.

But, I'm not a millionaire. Our family now makes about $60 thousand per year.

$60 thousand per year for 4 people seems pretty middle class ----- but considering my family is out of debt now and how I grew up lower class, I can feel like I'm upper class.

It really depends on your perspective and how you measure the classes.

the income is not much to look at in comparison with others, but for me it feels great because I never had such things when I was growing up.

But, there is actually a way of measuring class that says I'm upper class simply because I have no debt.

60k is middle-class income maybe, but not having debt is upper class.

So again, I guess I feel lower-upper class or upper-middle class ------- whatever it is, I feel so much better than when I was growing up at a much lower level.

Why am I saying this? Because I watch economics videos on Youtube and it's just a relevant status report about myself.

And that's how I feel ------ without specifically being paid for so much work I did.

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

So much generosity

People must just love me.

I've received so many messages telling me about the millions of dollars various people want to give me.

I've received emails that claim to be from Lottery winners who want to help.

I have an email that says the UN wants to send me money.

Just a moment ago I received an email that says the founder of Amazon wants to give me something.

This type of thing is happening over and over and over again -------- as per standard paranoia procedure ----- your paranoia tells you to not trust it -------- it's just spam. The same kinds of spam over and over again.

Another part of me wonders if the work I did will ever get a nice payoff.

But the fact remains::::: Receiving emails from people who want your personal information in exchange for promises of wealth --------- does this seem realistic?

This kind of message can really play with a person's hopes and dreams --------

but it also plays with my paranoia.

I'm sure if the UN or the head of Amazon wanted to give me money ----- they'd figure out a way of putting it directly into my bank account ----- and maybe send an email in tandem that explains what that's all about.

I once received an Interac e-transfer by email -------- but the person who sent it didn't say what it was for -------- and also, there was some reason to suspect it was a scam.

Who knows:::: Maybe it's a GOOD thing I'm a paranoid schizophrenic.

My book on business tells me it's the paranoid who survive. Yeah.

Monday, June 10, 2019

I'm noticing a pattern

Perhaps inspired by my last blog post, with how Youtube videos that actually explain useful information get demonetized ----- I have an observation to make about my life now.

As a child ---- My sister devalued me. No need for descriptions.

As a teen ---- my classmates devalued me. Again, no need for description.

As a young adult ---- the church devalued me.

As a working adult ----- society as a whole devalued me.

I think I'm noticing a pattern here.

There has pretty much been one force in my life that ever really gave me value::::


In the education system, the Province of Alberta gave me value.

As an adult, the Province of Alberta gave me disability value.

The pattern continues, however::::

At a national level, the provinces of BC and Quebec kind of try to devalue Alberta.

So::: I'm just noticing a life-long pattern here where people just never seem to think much of me. And it started in early childhood.

Where this extends from the last blog post is with these thoughts:::::

1) I was one of the top students in school for a very long time, I was one of the best.

2) I've written 3 books and 8 video games, all of which I tried to sell at basement bargain prices.

3) People wouldn't pay even the smallest price for anything I did.

If I was one of the best, and yet I'm not even worth 99cents at that high level --------

What does that then say about everyone else in society, essentially, people who are below my level?

I mean, if I couldn't make any money at basement bargain prices having been one of the best there was ------

Maybe that explains why so many youtube videos get demonetized --- regardless of how useful their information might be.

Just a thought.

If I'm pretty high quality yet I'm not worth even 99cents ---- then everyone below my level would be valued accordingly.

So yeah::::: something is just really messed up somewhere.

Thursday, June 6, 2019

Can't Take a Position for or against

I hear news from time to time that Google/Youtube is taking steps to police the internet ---- and though this is a good thing because the world may become a better place to live -----

Sometimes one really has to work out exactly what it is they should say on a topic.

I mean ---- I grew up as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ------

But both my brother and I myself tried believing in that church so much that we both got put on psychiatric medications because of our belief in that church.

So::: If medications are used to treat a belief in the church ---- then what is wrong with the church?

Thing is::::: You can do some research, there are many things videos on Youtube will teach you ------

But I discovered that one video that went in depth in one aspect of Church doctrine got demonetized.

So::: We were raised from very young ages in this church ---- for a long time this church is pretty much all or most of what we know ---------

We find out we aren't really allowed to believe it because we are put on psychiatric meds for it -----

And then I find out that the church is such a touchy subject that people who try to educate you about just one set of issues in the church will be demonetarized in their video -------

So, my brother and I couldn't take a position for the church ------

And then I learn that this video, despite educating us about why the church is wrong ------ wasn't allowed to really discuss those issues?

yeah ---- it's confusing for me.

Local society decided I shouldn't be with the church ---- but the education about the problems ---- youtube had a problem with the education about the problems.

I know I can't take a position for the church without getting into trouble anymore -----

But taking a position against the church will maybe get me into trouble too for a few reasons.

It's kind of hard to know how to navigate the issues of educating people about the church on Youube ------

Our society made it clear to us they do not want us following the church ------

But somehow Youtube has taken some sort of position against educating people about the problems in the church -----

So:::: it's confusing.

Can't really take a position for or against.

And some of the relevant issues involved are big topics ------ things you'd think you'd want to know about.

Yeah -- just a little confusing.

Wednesday, June 5, 2019

Talking About Skills

I've had nothing to say for a while, but I guess I have something if even slightly interesting to mention now, so I figured I'd update my blog.

I saw my psychiatrist today.

I told the doctor about how I just learned to play the Jingle Bells tab (as opposed to the chords I was doing around Christmas time) and that I had uploaded a recording of me playing O Canada to Youtube.

The short of it is this::::

The doctor told me that playing the fretboard of the guitar, playing the tablature, is considered to be harder than playing Chords.

I thought that was interesting. Because once I figured out the fretboard, playing single notes on the guitar became much easier, and Rhythm guitar is harder for me.

I can understand that learning the fretboard might seem to be a daunting task to someone who doesn't play or is new to the instrument:

But trust me::: there's a way to figure it out, practise, and start memorizing positions.

So:::: either I'm recovering from my mental problems, which I may be, or I am a mentally ill man who somehow managed to pull off the harder of two tasks yet again.

As I said in The Book of Finch:::: here in Alberta, apparently if you think you have some kind of superhuman power that automatically puts you in the disabled section, legally.

Who knows. But that was something I learned in school. It didn't totally make sense, but that's just how it's legally defined.

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

The Good and Moral Thing to Do

This evening I finally paid off my debts in full. Once and for all.

I no longer have a credit card. This will make it a lot easier to live as I intend -- debt free.

And I have to say::: it feels WONDERFUL to not be burdened by knowing I owe someone.

I feel emotionally/spiritually a lot better now.

It appears there's some kind of spiritual or psychological phenomena where if I don't owe anyone I can now concern my mind with enjoying life and doing fun stuff --- like staying up all night and playing video games.

When I owed ---- my spirit felt the urge to work.

Now that I do not owe ---- I can stay up all night and have fun.

I am well aware from experience of both good and "bad" psychological states ---- I believe there is a spiritual aspect of feeling liberated when debts are paid.

Anyway ----- I spent about $9 on the lottery today.

One part of me was feeling foolish for having "wasted" that money.

The other part of me wanted to have some fun.

But now that I'm feeling liberated, I realize that playing the lottery, as long as you only play with what you can afford to lose, is actually a good and moral thing to do.

Why do I say this?

If you win ---- there you've just won the lottery, enjoy your life.

If you lose ---- You just paid your taxes!! And this is NOT a bad thing!

Help the government pay its debt ---- support social services!

My old young men's leader I remember would shame me about stuff like this --- shame me for playing the lottery ------

But I feel good and proud of myself for having paid some extra tax. This is actually a morally GOOD thing to do.

Play only with what you can afford to lose, however. And to know this value, that means keeping a budget.

Yeah ---- this blog post is to say, that in Canada at least, it is actually a good and moral thing to do to play the Lottery.

You are supporting social services. You are balancing the budget. You are paying the provincial debt.

Just live within your means and play with what you can afford. Enjoy life.

I was feeling foolish about losing $9, but I feel better, I feel better after justifying it in my mind knowing it's going to do something good for my countryman.

It's kind of like being shamed throughout your teens for normal male hormonal urges and releasing them all by yourself ------- but then you find out that it's absolutely normal and that releasing it by yourself is probably the best way of dealing with the issue.

The morality I was taught in my youth seems a little crooked.

Second thought has helped me realize a whole different mental reality, where I can feel good about myself for doing things that the "moral authority" previously shunned.

Monday, May 27, 2019

Not Ready For Busking

Today my parents were out in the yard, gardening. There were workers a number of meters away working on something.

I decided I would pull out my guitar and play some music.

I don't have a busking ID yet ---- but I figure I should be OK just playing for my own family on our own property.

(By the way ---- on the city website they just called it a busking ID or something like that ---- is this ID actually some kind of permit or license? I mean, if it's a permit or license that would be good to know because simply calling it just an ID is very vague--- it implies it might not be totally required --- if it is actually a permit or license, that implies it is required).

Anyway --- I figured it'd be OK to play my guitar for my own family on my own property ----

Now ---- normally when I play my guitar, alone in my bedroom ---- I have no problem remembering what to do ------- beyond not being 100% trained in music, I sound quite decent performing alone.

But ----- true to experience every other time I've tried to play for my family ------

Part way through O Canada I lost my concentration.

Yup. Just forgot where I was going with that tune.

I was able to play my other songs just fine ------ and in my bedroom afterward I played O Canada all by myself just fine ---------

but for some reason, when I'm performing for other people, I am far more likely to make mistakes.

Even if I'm just performing in front of a camera that's just for family ----- I make mistakes.

I get so nervous and lose my concentration.

So, I'm not ready for busking yet.

Also::: Another reason why I don't think I'm ready for busking is that I know only a handful of songs.

My repertoire of music is so small I'd become too repetitive really quickly.

So yeah ---- in personal practise in my bedroom I can play the songs I know 100% ------

but when I play for other people I seem pretty much destined to screw up somehow.


As for that lucky winning streak I had on the lottery for a while ------

I did tell my Mom about it. That's when things went wrong. (this was a few weeks ago).

My mom REFUSES to ask for God's help in making money.

So:::: for whatever the reason, the lucky winning streak ended after I told her about the winning streak.

Not the brightest move I could make.

My telepathy and empathy bring to my awareness this idea that people are really quite unhappy about something ----- which is to be expected in the LDS Church considering how that church typically responds to lotteries.

I don't find my Mom's or the Church's position to be the smartest --- but I also can't control them.

Part of the problem I have in my family is that when I tried sharing and teaching The Secret/The Law of Attraction with my parents, but they decided to reject that doctrine and lifestyle.

I know, it's strange, isn't it? My Parents raised me in the church --- my Mom is very religious ---- and yet they reject a lifehack that comes straight out of the scriptures.

Yeah --- not the smartest stuff ever.

Friday, May 24, 2019

Something Strange

I've been up since about 2am --- it's now 5:09am.

A few minutes ago I was looking out my window and saw, in the darkness of the sky, a sizeable white light ---- to me it seemed like the moon, and though it didn't totally seem like the moon--- I figured it must've been the moon.

Just a moment ago I leaned against the window sill and just looked at this white light in the sky.

And then ---- it just, uh, just got smaller and disappeared.

Yeah. That's not the moon.

The moon just doesn't vanish like that.

I know it sounds really, really strange for me to tell this story ---- but this is what I saw----

A white light in the dark sky, and after leaning against the window sill and inspecting it closely ---- it just vanished.

It was a pretty big white light too ---- comparable to the moon.

Combined with my personal improved eyesight (which I've tested again this morning --- yeah, my "bad" eye is getting better) and recent auditory hallucinations, which we experienced together as a family -------


I heard sometimes these things should be kept to oneself.

But this blog is like my journal, so this is where I'll record my sighting.

I know:::: it's kind of way out in left field -------- but I know what I just experienced, and with the fact that my "bad" eye has improved I really have to wonder.



I was just sitting and standing in my front yard for the past 20 minutes.

yes --- I noticed some aircraft fly overhead,

But the sun was a little strange to me.

I know ---- this is weird ---- first the moon seems strange to me, and now the sun ------

Hours ago when the "moon" just quickly got smaller and disappeared ---- that was weird. The sun would be coming up soon in the same direction of sky so it couldn't have been an eclipse. (I believe the direction I'm pointed is East).

Maybe a cloud covered the moon? But clouds don't usually go that fast ------

so on to thinking about how odd the sun is as I was looking in its direction-----

So::: usually the sun is blindingly bright, even with sunglasses, and there's no real point in looking at it -------

But I guess there must've been some cloud cover or something because as I looked in the direction of the sun I could see a big round "object" in that direction, and I thought it was weird how it "was the sun" but I didn't look nearly bright enough.

Usually, the sun is just blinding.  But I guess with some cloud cover and my sunglasses on ---- I was able to look directly at a round shape that was bearable for my eyes.

It's strange:::: the sun is usually so completely bright looking at it would be blinding and you'd just see a great blurry hugely bright light.

But somehow what I was looking at in that direction of the sky was viewable ---- I saw it was a very round circular shape ---- not like you'd normally expect to see the sun -----

it either was the sun or near when the sun should be ----- so the cloud cover and sunglasses made it viewable.

I even looked directly at it through my 8x monocular. I was viewable ---- and not overly too bright, which was just kind of strange.

When I went to grab my cell phone camera to take a picture ----- I came back outside ---- and the sun was back to being itself again, a bigh bright way too bright blurry image you can't see clearly with any hope.

And this all happened within 20 minutes ---- the part where I went from looking at it with my monocular to going to grab my phone being, again, a very short period of time for the clouds to move.

So::::: I'm not thinking I fully understand::::

It was like a crescent moon in the eastern sky that just quickly shrank and disappeared ----

and then a very round viewable object where the sun should be in the sky but the sun wasn't blinding me at that time at that viewpoint.

Just strange. It doesn't totally make sense. Not to me at least.

The moon doesn't usually just disappear like that.

While the sun is usually way too bright ----- so it's weird how I was seeing a big circle in the sky with the help of cloud cover and sunglasses. way too strange.

And yeah --- I noticed aircraft passing overhead today too.

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Reconciliation is a blessing

I think the "mystic forces of 'God'" may smile upon a good reconciliation. Why?

I may have had a really hard time growing up --- my sister didn't make it easy ----

But now as an adult, she and I get along fine. We are a happier family now.

When I remember how bad things were, I may start feeling down -----

But when I feel reconciled with someone I had animosity with ----- I think there are spiritual benefits.

Like ----- the reconciliation might be making the Universe more receptive to my requests for good eyesight.

My eyesight is perceptibly seemingly getting better.

Of course, I've stopped wearing my prescription lenses, and now I'm protecting my eyes from UV rays with sunglasses ---- but my one eye which I call my "bad" eye seems to be getting better.

Maybe there's no real connection between a happy reconciled family and better eyesight ----- but I'm personally guessing the good environment I'm living in now is beneficial and supportive to a healing environment.

Other things to note:::

In the past two weeks, I've experienced 3 or 4 auditory hallucinations.

The thing though::: Two of those hallucinations I experienced were also heard by my family with me.

Yup ---- it's the strangest thing -------

There is absolutely zero idea where those sounds came from, no idea why we heard them or how they existed ----- but we DID hear them. Together.

So yeah ------

Reconciling with ancient animosities may produce a beneficial spiritual environment,

where health gets better (such as better eyesight, which has been a request of mine)

And we get to experience auditory hallucinations together as a family.


No idea why we heard those sounds but we DID hear them. It's the strangest thing. And there's no easy answer for how.

Monday, May 20, 2019

My Own Failings

So over the weekend to today, I was able to think about my own failings.

I looked at 4 big categories in my life and realized I failed in all 4.

1) I failed in my religious life. Although --- the religion was questionable itself in the end.

2) I failed in my school life.

3) I failed in my love life.

4) I failed in my work life.

How much I failed may be a matter of opinion ---- but the reason I say I "failed" is because I did not reach the hoped-for end state.

I also thought today about one stupid bad experience I had, but I'll try to forget it again.

The good news is that I do have some level of "talent" -- or whatever you want to call it.

I rescued my Dad on his computer today.

The reason I got so interested in computers is that my father spent years of his life working with computers throughout his career.

He's getting older -- so I'm not sure he has it all together, and now my help is basically a necessity just to navigate him through some issues which I would personally regard as only mildly confusing--- but apparently too confusing for him.

Sometimes I wonder if I really am not related to this family I've been living with.

We are all different, but in some ways, it just seems like I don't really fit in with the family I've grown up with.

So yeah::: despite all my failures in life, it's looking like I'm the family computer "expert" ----- I'm the only one with the right head on my shoulders for understanding certain things.

So::: I failed in life ---- for any number of reasons ------- but I'm adept enough to be the family computer expert.

The issue was simple for me to fix, but it seems like my Dad's mind was blown by the whole issue.

Thursday, May 16, 2019

Psychological or Spiritual Effects of Accomplishment

So::: Today I sat down ---- looked at the sheet music for O Canada again ----- and then realized I had done something wrong when I had originally transcribed the tablature to letter music.

So I did that again.

Part way through the process ---- I DID find ONE error in the sheet music. In ONE spot the Tablature does not match the note music. I went with the note music. (Yes --- somewhere along the way I've picked up some level of how to read note music)

So::: I started practising, and learning, and repeating, and learning more.

I learned the whole thing.

I know how to play O Canada on Guitar now.

And after I finished playing the whole song through, something weird happened:::

One part of me was sick to my stomach, one part of me felt hilarity, and there was a partial loss of concentration.

Is this a psychological or a spiritual phenomenon? Is there a difference?

When I finally fully played through the whole national anthem from memory my body went in three directions ----- as if I was possessed by three ghosts who reacted in three different ways.

It's just so weird ------- I know there's a spiritual reality that's attached to the Law of Attraction that will have effects like this depending on how people treat you or how to treat people or how you treat yourself -------

but it's just so interesting to note how finally, for the first time in my life, having fully played through the National Anthem on an instrument I felt sick to my stomach, hilarity, and a partial loss of concentration. Weird.


I had more thoughts on the topic of how messed up things were in my life, some of it I think I'll try not to say here because it might be a bit too negative about how bad it got -------

But it's interesting ------

if I rejected my sister's friend because she was friends with my sister ------

And my bishop rejected Avril because she's "too productive" -------

and the ballerina girl rejected me because of my family's mental health issues -------

It's looking like I'll never get married.

I was trying so, so hard all my life to do what I was supposed to. I really was. This can be illustrated with the fact that I received multiple awards and honours for being a or the top student.

But I didn't matter how hard I tried --- Just like Linkin Park's song "In The End" ----- I was trying so hard and accomplishing so much ---------

But simply because my sister didn't follow instructions and that basically drove me and my brother bonkers -------

We fail.

We had ONE member of our family who didn't actually seem to be even trying to do the right thing, and that screwed all of us up. Or at least me and my brother.

I really might never get married.

I tried so hard but received automatic failure anyways because my sister didn't listen to instruction and then drove us insane.

The definition of "forgive" appears to have changed over time in the church --- and they don't define it like everyone else.

The most recent definition of "forgive" was to "not blame".

So, therefore in the church, the worst sin you can now commit is to blame someone for their own actions.

Yup ----- in the eyes of the church, this might seem totally sinful to lay blame ------- but I highly suspect that my brother and I ended up failing in life because of our sister.  At the most basic-root-cause-level, she's probably the reason why.

Although, if the roots go even deeper ---- an even deeper reason why things failed was simply that the church did dick-all to correct the situation in our lives.

The whole reason I joined the church was to teach my sister how to behave.

The church failed horribly to do this. It's like they didn't even care. It was kind of like false advertising, bait and switch.

The simple fact that my Sister was found worthy and allowed to participate in temple ceremonies has been disturbing enough to my brother and myself that we pretty much just quit the church.

If my sister is the type of person they would find totally worthy and allowable in their temple --- then this church is NOT for us.

I will finally note that I talked a while back with my brother about the problems:::::

He and I both agreed that being Terrestrial was preferable to being eternally sealed in this family that had the problems it had.

He and I both experienced the issues, and though he and I were both willing to die for Jesus --- we also both rejected the concept of being eternally sealed to this family. My Sister was the main reason.

So Yeah. Something was just really messed up.

Since my sister was totally allowed in the temple and found worthy ------ we decided this church was not for us.

She eventually became a better person though. It took a very long time.

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Introversion and a Loyalty

I'm beginning this blog post as a reminder that I AM INTROVERTED ----- so many phone calls we receive get screened and if I meet someone in person I often have nothing to say. Even if they want to talk.

So::: I'm just not a people-person, I guess you could say ----- A lot of my socializing is done in a group of people in my immediate family group and other necessary areas of life.

Like:::: Sometimes someone who claims to be a beautiful girl on Facebook will friend request me ---- I often reject these requests ----- especially because the internet is kind of a hard place to determine if you'll really like someone and so on ----- and especially as I'm not fully interested in relationships, at least right now.

On another note:::: Avril Lavigne has reminded us that this is Lyme Awareness Month --- something like that.

On Twitter, she posted something she wanted us to share about spreading Lyme Awareness and handing out flyers.

I'm afraid making mention of this will have to suffice on my blog alone -----


Well, 1) Maybe it's laziness, but maybe its also 2) the simple fact that Avril's community wasn't the most accepting of me. Avril herself is very friendly, and seemed very accepting of me ---- but some population of her other fans did not view me very well, so maybe I should just stay away on this one.

it's kind of hard to want to do some menial task for someone, even if you love them, if that someone's friends are not being kind.

I may love Jesus --- but if the church is unfriendly, then so much for that.

Another example is this:::::

There's one girl who I suspect wanted a relationship with me when I was young ---- but I rejected her.

Why? Because she was friends with my Sisters. I didn't even try to go for this one.

You see ----- One of my sisters didn't treat me very well when we were growing up ----- so if a girl is friends with my sisters, that was a big sign she's not compatible with me.

These days, maybe this rule doesn't apply so much anymore --- but when I was young it was important:::

The kind of idea is this::: with how badly my sister treated me, it's a choice between being her friend, or being my friend. I mean, are you interested in me for me--- or are you interested in me because you are friends with someone I can't stand to be around?

yeah ----- it might be tough to be interested in me and get that kind of response ---- but hey, that's life.

My sisters are far more acceptable to me these days, but yeah ---- just examples of how messed up things can be when friends of friends aren't being kind.

Monday, May 13, 2019


Yesterday I felt like saying something, and will only say it now because I have other things to say in this post:::

I don't really see sales if I have them.

I can speculate that the government takes my money and redistributes it to help people participating in the disability program I'm on. This is only speculation however. -- I'm not certain.

I have sketchy sources of information that give numbers that may back up my theory (because it does kind of add up) ------ so it's potentially true in my mind, but not confirmed.

And on to other things::::

Today I had two ideas!!!

One was a software idea.

The other was a carpentry idea ---- although maybe a little bit of engineering may be involved too.

It's exciting to have such good ideas of things I could do -------

but to do the software idea I can't help but wonder if I should have completed my Computer Science degree ------

and for the carpentry idea, I'll have to wait probably at least about 3 months before I can get the money together to potentially make a prototype.

Earlier this month I borrowed some money from my Dad and used it to pay off my credit card ---- and then I closed my credit card account.

I have to pay my Dad back before I can think about accumulating funds for any big projects.

That's the simplest way I can say what's on my mind.

The big reason I'm writing this post is just because of my excitement at having two good ideas in one day.

Although ------ because of mental/educational limitations one project might have to wait while the other has a big funding problem right now.

I'm probably just going to put these ideas "on the shelf" and try to remember them later. And maybe I'll forget. Who knows.

Sunday, May 5, 2019

Organized Confusion

Earlier today I thought about writing about a recent "spiritual/psychological" experience I felt I had --- but then decided against saying anything because it might just seem weird.

But:::: Just a little while ago ----- the gears in my head were turning and I realized even more about just how confusing the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is.

Shortly after the publication of the first edition of my first book, I received an email from an old Young Men's leader I will refer to as "Cody Finn".

In this email, he told me he would NOT read my book, and listed all kinds of little criticisms he had against me for why he would not read it, such as talk about masturbation, buying lottery tickets and saying bad words.

So::::: Cody Finn made it clear::::: He feels he can criticize me for these little things I do or talk about.

After the Publication of Letters to Whomever (where Cody Finn's message can be found) ---- I was offering free books at a party my brother attended.

At this party, another Elder was giving me lip about how he would not be reading my books because I was critical of things that went wrong.

So:::: One Elder refuses to read my book because of his criticisms against me ---- while the other elder denounced criticism altogether and refused to read my book because he felt it was critical.


I have to say::: I am confused.

One Elder takes a position where he feels he can criticize me for little and mostly meaningless things, while the other elder absolutely refuses to accept any form of criticism.


BOTH of these two different parties in the same church absolutely refused to read the book.

Obviously, because of their refusal to listen to my viewpoints and experiences, and because they refused to reimburse me for all the money I spent on publication ------ they were NOT loving.

Jesus taught "love one another".

These are two opposing parties in the same church with two different philosophies (one allows criticism, the other doesn't) who used the church to justify their positions, yet neither of them was actually loving

Maybe a reason I like Avril Lavigne so much is because she is a loving and caring person ----- so it's interesting that she impresses me because of the love she gives --------- and it's also interesting that the church did not allow her even though she is the one who loved, and all indications show that the church, that claims love, does not actually love.

Anyway, this blog post is just to show or illustrate how I encountered two members of the church I knew and both of them refused to read my books each using completely opposite philosophes ---- One being very critical, the other not allowing any criticism.

That is really ---- really confusing. I'm not quite sure I understand what the church is going for here.

Anyway --- it's supposed to be the one true church, yet they were unloving despite Jesus' teaching and both refused to read my book for completely opposite reasons.

Makes no sense. It just doesn't make sense. It's one church, but they aren't even uniform in how they approach a topic. Only the rejection was uniform.

How am I supposed to operate in a church where one part of it is very petty and will criticize tiny things while the other part of it won't allow any form of criticism at all. It doesn't even make sense how this church even exists, to be honest.

And yeah --- it's just too bad that altogether they completely lacked the love to actually read my book and hear my viewpoint on what I experienced. Really too bad. Ignorance.

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Things To Do

For quite a while, I would feel incomplete - as if my life lacked something, and I needed to fill a hole.

Last Saturday and on Sunday --- that hole was filled.

I'm getting hooked on Soccer. Only two games into the Season, two games into the League --- and I have good enjoyment just sitting there and watching, cheering for whom I choose.

So::: with the soccer watching, with the guitar, I am feeling fulfilled, especially as my Sister is doing more by expanding her beehives. There's stuff to do. I am happy.

And then today I realized that I haven't done much to get my Bananatree games ready for release on the Ultra game store when that arrives.

Yeah ----- I've been completely misplacing my funds when it comes to re-developing for a new game store ---- with all the guitars I've bought, plus repairs, plus a season pass to the CPL -------- I've got all the funding I could need to do what I need to do -------- but I'm being distracted from releasing on the Ultra store.

I know I actually can't even guarantee that I ever will release a game on that store ----- there are too many details I am unaware of at this time.

If this Ultra store is only for PC ----- then I'll have to buy a PC or at least a Windows operating system. I might be considered at the level of a hobbyist ---- so if anything goes over my head technical wise, that may be a problem.

The main points of this post are to say that I now feel I'm living a fulfilled life, now that I've found a soccer League to watch ------- and my realization that I should kick into gear about releasing on Ultra but I've been completely misplacing my funds in order to do that.

And yeah, I still want to write less. But I just felt I had to give this little update about my gaming ideas.

Ultra can be found at ultra.io.

Saturday, April 27, 2019

Today Looks Like a Good Day

Well, today I'm feeling joyful.

I woke up early this morning and didn't even obsess about the old problems.

In fact, I just told myself that I would like to write less --- as in wanting to stop writing so much to my psychiatric friends and to stop posting so much about the same things over and over again on this blog.

And as I continued through the morning, I was really feeling so much better. No past obsessions on my mind, feeling good, and then I found some more good news:

Supposedly, today is the day of the first game of the Canadian Premier League. I sure hope they broadcast it on TV --- and I sure hope I can get my mind together to pay attention.

Today feels like a very good day.

I guess the biggest point of this post, however, is just how I actually desire to stop talking so much about past issues. To write less. To enjoy my life more. To not ruminate on old problems. To have a good time.

Friday, April 26, 2019

Not Feeling TOO Crazy

I was thinking about the types of things that happened in my life.

Like for so many people I'm sure --- life is actually or can be pretty disturbing.

The history of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is disturbing enough on its own without my life's story adding to it.

But ---- the good news is, when I was younger I was far more of a basket case than I am now.

With some good treatment, I have managed to calm down my brain a bit --- enough that I give my Dad periods of respite so he doesn't have to listen to me talk about what's on my mind.

I recently figured out why I was having such problems with psychiatry itself: there isn't really exactly a proper diagnosis for my situation (in my opinion) in their manual of mental disorders.

I was having problems::: and my family and the church really wanted me to get help::: but I actually didn't fit into any category ----- the best they could do to "help" me was label me with schizophrenia because of how loopy the church is.

Just yesterday I was waiting for my disability payment to arrive.

It might have been because of the new government, but yesterday was the longest and latest I've ever had to wait for my payment to come.

I started to wonder if I had been kicked off the program and wouldn't be receiving anything.

Yeah ---- outright calling me schizophrenic wasn't quite the exact truth I don't think ----- but it's all I could get because the exact diagnosis for me didn't even exist ---- but I was having a severe problem.

I guess if you think the church is crazy, which it kind of is, then sure, I am schizophreic.

Anyway ----- I'm not as messed up as I used to be ---- but my mind thinks about things over and over again, and writing about it is the best way I can get it off my chest, especially since my family especially my Dad don't like hearing it. So I just write. I need an outlet.

I guess I've said enough now ----- this post was just to express my concerns about my own mental condition.

Pondering Effort and Perfection

I've got a lot on my mind an no one to talk to::: so the posts on my blog just pile up.

So: I started thinking about the effort I put into my life when I was young, and how well that turned out.

I was a top student, if not, then THE top student at my schools growing up.

And I was still dumped by the girl I loved for not being good enough.

I was the best student, I was probably the most knowledgable about the scriptures in seminary, I offered my lifetime of service to God and I was shooting for the Celestial Exaltation ------

And yet I was still dumped for not being good enough anyway.

I was a 100% Grade 9 Math Final and a 98% Grade 11 Chemistry Final ------

And just not good enough.

I really like to compare what I experienced to Linkin Park's song "In The End" ---- which is also from the same era of time.

And yes ---- it got to a point where I was trying so hard, that the imperfections I had seemed impossible to get past.

Of the few things I did wrong ---- Masturbation being the big one ----- I had no idea how to change.

And though Jesus came, and though Jesus is said by the church to take you the rest of the way once you've gone the farthest you can go ------- The church still didn't allow my Jesus thing, even if I was the top student and I did my best. The church just wouldn't even seem to allow Jesus to take me the rest of the way ---- as if there was at least one more thing I needed to accomplish.

So in one sense, I did my best, I got as far as I could go ----- Jesus was supposed to take me the rest of the way there ------ but the church wasn't interested in that.

They say nobody is perfect, and if nobody is perfect, then how will anyone ever be good enough.

When I was growing up, the church had high standards and demanded perfection.

After I was done, the church stopped demanding perfection and only demanded less demanding "worthy".

When I was there, "worthy" was equated with "perfection" ----- but since then "worthy" does not actually have to be perfect, as I think I read in a church magazine.

So:::: they demand perfection, they say nobody's perfect, so how do you know if you are "good enough"?

I'm not sure how to know that ----- all I know is that I was at my limit and it still wouldn't be allowed ----- and even if Jesus was there to take me the rest of the way they still wouldn't allow that either.


Who knows ALL the reasons.

What I understand is that there is a law of Attraction ------- and that my sister had no good intent towards me and my brother growing up.

She basically would just say unkind things about us and to us throughout childhood ---- such as talk of kicking us out of the church and us having no friends when we grow up -------

Therefore, I may have tried so hard and been so perfect, but because my Sister was never condemned for anything she said or did ----- she received everything she wanted -------- and that meant I had to be put down.

yes --- my sister just wanted to put me down ------- so it didn't matter how hard I tried -------- because she was never condemned for anything, she got to have her way.

So, I was a top student, and one of the best ----- but that didn't matter because my Sister gets to have her way ----- which meant I would fail no matter what I did.

That's the best way I can look at it - because that's all I know about what happened off the top of my head.

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

Pondering These Questions

It's almost 5AM.

I've pretty much been awake all night, I'm not tired.

My mind has been active. Thinking about all kinds of seemingly unsolvable problems or issues.

1) I wanted to serve Jesus, and the church said I would serve Jesus for the rest of my life.

But then the church forced me on psychiatric drugs because I believed in miracles.

So that whole thing went up in smoke, so to speak.

In the past 9 years, I really tried to work for money.

People didn't pay me.

My sisters were unsupportive and my Mom refuses to ask God for help doing this.


I was rejected from serving Jesus, and I'm not encouraged to work for money.

If I'm not working for Jesus ---- and I'm not working for money ----- then what am I working for?

2) The whole issue of who I should marry or was supposed to marry or whatever like that.

The whole ballerina-girl thing has been full of confusion.

I can say this much:::: The only reason I've ever been given that really made sense about why I wasn't allowed to be friends with the ballerina-girl is because of the mental illness in her family.

Basically::: I am not supposed to marry her mentally ill family, largely because of the mental illness in my own family.

The idea is that two mentally ill families would not produce a good result.

So:::: if I'm not supposed to marry a mentally ill family, then a mentally healthy family would work right?

OK ----- So Avril Lavigne is mentally healthy, and she basically sings about being in love with me.

You'd really think this would have been OK.

But no, even though Ballerinagirl was not allowed because of poor mental health issues ----- Avril Lavigne still won't be allowed despite having good mental health.

I just don't know what to do about that.

I'm supposed to marry a mentally healthy person ----- but apparently marrying Avril would have been too grandiose.

So:::: I'm not marrying someone better than Avril because that would be even more grandiose -----

Which means I'm supposed to marry a mentally healthy person who is unproductive enough that she doesn't happen to be rich.

I have no idea why either.

I have no real idea why it would be so important to marry a mentally healthy person who just happens to be unproductive and therefore not rich.

It doesn't make any sense ----- but that appears to be what I've been presented with. No idea how that's supposed make sense at all. But apparently, that's what whoever is in charge wanted.

So::: not allowed to marry the mentally ill, and not allowed to marry the mentally healthy either because of grandiosity issues.

Yup --- this is too weird.

3) I tried arguing for the Church. I was pro-church for a while.

But I was "wrong" and "rejected" over this.

So I tried arguing against the church I was anti-church for a while.

But I was "wrong" and "rejected" over this stance too.

Nothing makes sense anymore. I'm apparently wrong on both sides of the issue.

So yeah ---- just things of concern on my mind as I sit here wide awake all night.

I wasn't allowed to work for Jesus but I'm not supported in working for money either.

I wasn't supposed to marry a mentally ill family, but I wasn't permitted to marry a mentally healthy family either.

And I'm wrong on both sides of the whole Church debate ---- doesn't matter what side I'm on, I'm just automatically wrong.

Something is soooooo messed up here.

How can I even possibly be a real person or exist? Like::: I shouldn't even exist under these circumstances.  But somehow I do anyway. I have no idea.

Monday, April 22, 2019

What to do

I'm sitting here in the early morning of Easter Monday, and I was just thinking about what I've tried to do with my life and how well it turned out.

To be honest, something is very very wrong.

1) I was a good student
---I was basically hated when I was a good student.

2) I tried or wanted to work for Jesus
---The church rejected me and told me I was crazy. Turned out it may have actually been the church that was crazy, but anyway, I was rejected from serving in the family religion.

3) I'm like Avril's Sk8er Boi --- being friends with the singer.
---Though my real life story is comparable to Avril Lavigne's Sk8er Boi song, people everywhere had this complete inability to accept that I could be friends with her --- even her fanclub rejected me, more or less. I was basically the guy she claimed to be in love with ----- but no one was willing to accept that about me.

3) I tried working for money.
---People just didn't pay me ----- as well as my Mom and Sisters were entirely unsupportive and wouldn't even pray for God's help here.

The ONE THING I've been successful at is being considered disabled, going to see a psychiatrist ---- and just living on the government dole.

Everything else I've done so far has received pretty much no support from others.

The only thing I can think of actually trying to DO right now is maybe to learn more music and going busking in the streets.

The problem here is this::::

1) When performing for others, I can get insane stage fright.

2) I can easily lose my concentration.

So there's a chance I won't be any good at all for busking.

But it's something to think about.

It's just kind of weird how nobody supports pretty much anything I've been doing. No one cares about me.

All I can do is "be disabled" and collect limited amounts of free money.

I just don't understand.

Sunday, April 21, 2019

I just realized my failure.

OK ---- so it's very questionable how true the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is, but one of the teachings of The Book of Mormon is:::

That in order to achieve anything in life, you have to put forth the most amount of effort towards that goal possible before God will be willing to help you further.

So, unless you do everything you can, and expend all your options ---- God won't help.

You have to do everything in your power to achieve your goal before God will step in.

I was just finally looking at political party platforms for the last election a bit ---- and I realize I shot myself in the foot.

The Alberta Party said they would retroactively increase AiSH if they got elected ---- and I calculated that this would be worth over $9000.

I did not research this before the election. I did not vote for the Alberta Party.

If my goal in life was to make more money:::: I just screwed myself according to the Book of Mormon.

I know that Church is highly debatable ----- but it is true that The Book of Mormon did contain some good ideas ------- and doing your absolute best is one of them ---------

And I have actually just failed to do my absolute best. I didn't know about the policy --- but then again, I didn't really research the policy when I should have.

Well, I didn't absolutely do everything in my power to achieve my goal, so according to The Book of Mormon God doesn't have to help me anymore.

If I had just voted for and campaigned for the Alberta Party ----- that might've made all the difference. Oh my God.

But then again, it is also true that Money is the root of all kinds of evil ----- so who knows.

I guess I just have to be happy with what I have now. Doh.

UPDATE 5:24PM:::::

Just a moment ago I realized another likely failure::::

I probably just completely misunderstood something about the Alberta Party platform.

I can't say I know exactly what the platform is or how to interpret it based on that ONE article I read earlier today, but I"m guessing it's more nuanced than just $9000 of retroactive payments to aish recipients.

It was probably different --- I can't say I know for certain exactly what they were going for ------

It was just something about $1779 AiSH allowance and something about retroactive something.

But thinking the retroactive part refers to a 9000 dollar payment might be way out in left field.

But I don't really know. Just saying I really don't know exactly what it was. It was at least re-increasing today's AiSH to $1779.