Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Instructions from a long time ago

Last night I was thinking back to when I was a young man, growing up.

My Mom told me there were two things I just had to do with my life:::

1) Serve a Mission.

2) Get married.

I even remember my Mom must've realized how poorly my sister was treating me back then and had to deliberately take me aside to tell me to try to love women more so I actually would get married.

Anyway ----- I think it's my Mom's teachings that helped me try to make the deal with God::: in exchange for my exaltation (which entails marriage), I would serve God for the rest of my life.

And you know how well that turned out right?

Within a few years, the Bishop shot that WHOLE THING down.

It's basically what my Mom TOLD ME TO DO -------

But the Bishop decided he didn't want it.

I was given clear instructions, and I was trying to follow them, and BOOM --- the bishop changes his mind.

Yeah --- I'm just wondering how the "gospel" was a "gospel" (good word) when they'd treat me so poorly just because I'm a normal male with hormones.

If I wasn't supposed to masturbate, then why didn't they just tell me who to have sex with? I mean,

that's basically what your options are::: either diddle yourself to relieve the urges, or go have sex with someone.

Just weird how I was mistreated for diddling myself, but they provided no alternate route, while even taking away two potential paths I could have taken.

Anyway ----- this post is mostly the same old things I think about -----

The only difference is remembering that this whole thing began because my MOM WANTED IT -----

And then the Bishop decided to change her mind.



And when I wrote the book about the story about what happened::::: Somehow the church largely couldn't be bothered to actually pay me for it.


Unless the money is hidden in a secret account I've barely been told about.


Huh.


yeah ---- it was an absolutely or mostly worthless experience.


Being given instructions for my life, and then the Bishop just turned that all around.


And people wouldn't even pay me for the story.


And if there is a secret bank account ------ it's really interesting how obfuscated that is and misunderstandable that whole situation can become.


You'd think people would have been able to pay me --- which means there really could be a secret account that I am barely knowledgable about.


The biggest indications I have for a "secret account" are ABM Receipts I saw, plus a certain email I received which could be thought of as spam, but roughly the numbers did calculate which meant maybe it was true.


And of course, even if my Injections nurse alluded to a belief that I am now a wealthy man ----- getting my parents to believe such is possible is a different story.


Yup ---- the whole thing is getting complicated ----- especially when my sources of information are very sketchy.

Friday, March 15, 2019

Feeling Poor Again

Though one could explain my monthly disability benefit as interest paid on millions of earned dollars,

we do NOT KNOW that this is actually true ---- it just seems possible --------

so maybe I'm just living on the government dole like anyone else anyway.




But I can say for certain::: I am feeling poor again.



I had my credit card debt paid off for a little while there.



But now I'm almost maxed out again, I owe my Dad and brother, and I've only got 20 dollars in my wallet for food and little more in my chequing account.


Yeah. Just feeling poor.



I'm in debt again ----- and I only have enough money for a bit of almost daily food until I get my next payment.



The way I'm looking at it right now ---- It could take at least a couple or a few months to get this completely worked out.



yeah, I'm just like anyone else, I guess.


So, no point in complaining ----- just saying that though I may have been feeling a bit manic for the past few days over an idea of potentially having earned so much money,


the reality hits me that I've been spending so much and now I'm poor with the money available to me again. Yeah.

Sharing With Family

This morning I decided to share bits of my theory from yesterday with my Father and Mother.

My father told me I was "hallucinating" ---- which is really weird because hallucinations have nothing to do with this ------- maybe the right word was "delusional" ---- except this can't be a delusion either because I'm well aware that it's just a theory and it may not be true.

My mom, initially, didn't view it as likely either.


But I had to explain to her that many people who become millionaires are bankrupt before long --- it's possible that the bank is actually keeping my money safe even from myself


A while ago I lent my copies of the books "The Secret" and "The Power" to my Mom ----- and I think she may have conceded what I'm saying might have some truth,

especially since she realized we don't live in a third world country and it seems unlikely that nobody was able to afford my products.

Of course, she realized too that if I do have some wealth somewhere that this is a very hush-hush issue ----- so there's a possibility it's true, but then again, I probably shouldn't even be writing on my blog about it ------ except I feel I have to so I can admit there's a possibility that people paid me rather than accusing everyone of something not right.




BUT::::: I have a friend, and I was planning on playing a multiplayer video game with him soon.

He's on the same disability program I'm supposedly on ------

And he does not "own" the game --- have a copy, he does not.

The game costs $15.

He's unable to afford it until the next payment from the government.

I told him I'm running low on budget now too ---- except after the call I realized I'd be able to pay for that if I had to on either of my mastercards ------


So::: I don't know what his budget is like

But it's an interesting concept to compare and contrast two friends who are on the same disability program::::

One has a crackpot theory that's he's actually rich after he just went on a ~$2000 spending spree and could still spend another $15 if he had to,

while the other, who's budget we don't know, was just unable to afford it.


So::: does this mean that most people are unable to afford such things?

or does it mean that I did get sales and I just happen to somehow feel richer?


I don't know --- just a concept to compare and contrast ---- while we are both supposedly on the same disability program.


Anyway ------ it may seem unbelievable, and maybe it should be so it can be hushed up ----- but there's some possibility that may seem plausible that the bank just keeps my money safe from myself.

Yeah. Huh.

Can't say anything for certain ---- but in all seriousness, we have laws against defamation in Canada ---- so I have to do my best not to accuse everyone of ripping me off if there's a possibility that they didn't.

Thursday, March 14, 2019

I Have a Theory

So::: on Monday I said I need to give my brain a rest.

On Tuesday, I felt the normal sensation of choking anxiety which I believe is empathic somehow of my visits to the psychiatric clinic.

On Wednesday, however, I felt normal again. The normal empathy I felt around psychiatric visits was not present. No empathic anxiety, no empathic depression, and my brain felt like it was also in a sort of 'snooze' mode,

Although I think there is still some "inspiration" or "telepathy" coming in, I felt different in my head, as if my brain really was resting, and I felt "normal" again. I hadn't felt quite that way for a long time.

So, on Wednesday, when I spoke to the Injections nurse, I told him I felt normal again.

Not much to say about this except this::::: in my conversation with the nurse, he expressed a sense of belief that I am actually a very wealthy man.

It was just a small comment, and I can understand how he'd think that after our visit 3 weeks ago:::

3 weeks ago I told him I had bought a new electric guitar and a new mac mini and a strange phone call about a 0% interest rate from a local business and this strange email I got that said I have some account somewhere ------

So, of course, we both, 3 weeks ago, viewed some of this information as "highly suspicious", although I am kind of wealthy anyway if I'm able to buy so many new toys so quickly.

Anyway ------ I gave an impression of wealth to the nurse 3 weeks ago, and some of the things I was getting in email and phonecalls didn't seem realistic to anyone ---------


But now for my theory:::::::


About a year ago, on two different occasions when I was at the ABM (bank machine) ---- after I made a withdrawal, the piece of paper from the printer showed a balance ---- and two times that balance was very similar ------- but it wasn't the balance shown in my online banking.


So:::: in about a one month period, a year ago, twice the bank machine seemed to make me aware of a balance that I was told about from no where else.


Either the bank was just being honest with me, it may have been some kind of admission, or else two times in a row the person directly before me in line keeps a crap tonne of money in their chequing.


Anyway ------ So, I remember an estimation of the number I saw both times -------


And I did approximate calculations:::::


If that value was the gross, and this year I'm living "after tax" ------- and since that account does pay interest --------- it's entirely possible that I actually pay for my own disability benefit from the interest I earn on my earnings from the books and the video games.


I might just be living on the interest from my actual account ---- you never know.


The only real clue that says this could be true is a) I was working for so long and I never got paid, and it just seems unrealistic that nobody to could afford my products and b) There were two ABM receipts that showed similar balances both times and what I said before.



Why would the bank not actually just show me the full balance all the time?


There are reasons fof why this could be!


There is a word I could use which describes what they might be doing, but I will avoid it for now -----


I'll just say it's possible that they don't actually have all that money available for my to withdraw. It might just be a number, but actual money at the bank might not be enough to pay for what they owe me.


That's the descriptive way of explaining it.


Maybe it was just decided that I should keep my old lifestyle and live off the interest, at least for a while.


Maybe it might even have something to do with "equalization" ---- maybe they didn't take my money completely away from me ----------- but I just live like I'm anybody else, more or less.


Do I really need to explain this on my blog? Maybe not ----- but I don't want to give the impression that I just view everyone has evil. There might be a good explanation that makes sense that might explain how reality is right now, while the rest of the world was actually still honest in their dealings.


I'm just thinking about why things are the way they are if the world was actually honest with me by actually paying me for my work.


I will also note that yesterday I started humming about my "retirement" ---- like, whether I'm a millionaire or just on benefits, whatever the case may be I don't really need to work [much] anymore. I just felt I could give myself a rest and I felt so retired now.


And yeah, my brain is still resting.



So:::: this is all a theory, with SOME evidence and SOME likelihood of being true.


But really, even if I am just on benefits still ------then it's so impossible to sell anything that it doesn't matter how hard I try ---- I should probably just "retire" anyway.

Monday, March 11, 2019

I should rest my brain

I think a lot. I often think a lot about the past and a lot about the future.

They say that thinking about the past is depressing, and thinking about the future brings anxiety ----


For myself, I have lots of fun thinking about the past often time, and I am able to look to the future with such eagerness and hope.


Of course, when thinking about the past, I might stumble across things that didn't make sense ---- and then I start talking about them ---- and my Dad in particular really does not like that.



So:::: I think about problems that my Dad wants me to forget about ---- and really, I enjoy so much about my life that I can get seemingly overworked in my brain just thinking about it.


I'm thinking or figuring I should give it a rest. I need a way of distracting my mind from all the cares of life --- past and future.


On occasion I'll try to organize a gaming party ------- for board games, I can do this with my immediate household ----- but to play a video game, and I would like to play video games with friends and family I run into the problem that I'm the only person really available for that.

Everyone is either too old or too young, too busy or too disabled.

Board games a lot more people can get involved with ----- but my dreams of playing video games with friends and family are usually only satiated around New Years Day.


I have a lot of things I can think about ------- I have a lot of enjoyment thinking about my life, but my brain gets worked up about it------ and when I think of something that didn't make sense, my family doesn't want to hear it.


So yeah, this blog post is just my statement about wishing I could find rest for my brain, and how hard it is to organize a video gaming event with friends and family.


Is this really finding "rest" for my brain though? Maybe not so much rest but rather getting my mind off of the same old topics.

Sunday, March 10, 2019

I Realized Something About my Life

I was sitting, thinking this morning when I thought in a new direction on an old problem:::::



So:::: Even though I tried so hard to be a good boy, I was not perfect.

And one of the big problems I've had with the church is that the church never seemed to forgive me for ANYTHING I ever did wrong.

I even tried to make a deal with God where I would work for Him in exchange for that forgiveness ---- but the bishop shot that deal down.

Well, according to Spencer W Kimball, a past LDS prophet and Apostle ----- the name of his book was "The Miracle of Forgiveness".

According to historical church records:::: FORGIVENESS IS A MIRACLE.

My Patriarchal blessing told me I would witness and perform miracles.

So:::: whatever happened to that?

I was feeling very unhappy, so the church sent me to the psychiatrists.

And the psychiatrists forced me on drugs because I believed in miracles ---- I was NOT ALLOWED TO BELIEVE IN MIRACLES ------

AND THE CHURCH NEVER DEFENDED MY BELIEF IN MIRACLES.



So that's where the whole thing goes Kablooey.


Just like everyone else, I needed forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a miracle.

My patriarchal blessing told me I'd witness and perform miracles.

But then the Bishop decided I needed to obey psychiatric doctors who did not believe in miracles and the bishop would not even defend my belief in miracles.



SO:::: in the end, we could say this situation fell apart because the Bishop, or the church or some combination of the two were just not faithful in actually believing in miracles.


I know the Bishop would say the word "Forgive" all the time ---- but that word necessitates miracles ------ and the same Bishop wouldn't let me believe in miracles and wouldn't defend a belief in miracles ----- he just had me drugged for believing in things the church originally taught me.


This is where everything went wrong.


Interesting eh?


It was actually basically just a failure of the Bishop to follow his own religion.

Saturday, March 9, 2019

Being Asked Who I support in upcoming election

I've received two text messages in the past while, one from the NDP, and one from the UCP.

They asked me about what I support and who I support.

Here's my take::::

The UCP I vaguely hold in my mind as capitalistic, and there are some good things about a capitalist economy such as "greater freedom", supposedly.

The problem is::::: In my personal efforts in capitalism, trying to sell things, I find people just don't pay me.

I'm aware of many people ripping me off according to pirating sites:::: but getting paid is hard.

This is a big failure of capitalism:::: you might try your best, but it just doesn't work if they don't pay you.



The NDP is seen as a socialist party.

Here's what I like about them:::

I know this is debatable, but a $15 minimum wage is so much nicer for workers who would otherwise be in a worse position. Taking care of the lower class ---- I actually like that.

You see, money or currency is simply society's way of dividing goods and resources between people in that society. I personally value providing more resources to people who are otherwise underadvantaged.

Inasmuch as being super rich might seem nice, well, the Bible warns us that the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil ----- so sharing with the lesser well off people is a value I have.

Being super rich might seem nice ---- but being rich brings its own problems, so why not help provide for the less fortunate?

And then there's the whole fossil fuel thing. Personally, I think that even without the climate debate involved (and I hear both sides of it) ------ even without the climate being a factor, reducing reliance on fossil fuels is probably a good idea ANYWAYS.

Personally, I think developing renewable resources is a no brainer approach to the long term energy question. It might be smarter to start sooner than later.

As for the carbon tax:::: the NDP's way of using it to help poorer families is awesome, and beats what I think I remember hearing about the Liberal way of doing Carbon Tax.

I understand how Conservatives might be upset about the Carbon Tax ------- a big part of it is about money and therefore hoarding resources I guess, Again, I prefer some way of taking care of lesser advantaged people.



In the end, I believe in a society that takes care of everyone, including the poor, although I'm not totally equality based in that I think workers or professionals need proper monetary incentive to do their work.


So:::: at a basic level, I'm leaning towards the NDP this time around again.


In my heart, that actually makes me feel better. I'm serious when I thought about voting UCP my heartfelt wrong somehow. In my heart and in my head the NDP makes more sense.




I know the dream of being super-rich is real tantalizing ----- but usually only the lucky few make it there, and the poorest may suffer because of it.


So yeah. Sharing resources with everyone is good, whilst giving incentive for workers and professionals the do their job. yeah. In fact, there's far more incentive to work for $15 an hour than there is for a much lower price.



Capitalism only works when people actually PAY me for my work. People have just ripped me off mostly thus far. And even if I did make a bunch of money from sales, I personally don't think I'd mind sharing that with others, even in the form of taxes. I donate plenty to charity already as it is.

Sharing resources with the less fortunate is good. And capitalism doesn't work when people don't pay you.


So yeah, I'm leaning NDP again.

Monday, March 4, 2019

Practising Music

In relation to my last post, I will just note something about how I was raised:::

I said in my last post that I was raised accomplishing so much but being rewarded with so little -----

I can also observe that all throughout my childhood the teaching "Everything must be forgiven" was hammered into me constantly.

Something just seems so wrong with that.

There's no deterrent for bad behavior ----- all bad things you do are let off the hook so quickly,

while there's no reward for good things.

No punishment for bad and no reward for good.

Hmmmm.

That does seem to be really messed up ------ but that is actually how I've understood how I was raised.

Yeah ---- it was pretty messed up.

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Anyway ------- so I said in my last post that one of the things on my list of expenses would be fancy new headphones -------

I had an opportunity to do a little shopping today, and I found headphones that might do the job for about $30. Not super fancy, but there's a microphone and decent quality sound ---- so it'll have to do.

Yesterday I started learning and rehearsing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on my electric guitar. I can now play it passably with mild difficulty.

I also looked through my book of guitar songs and decided I would try "Ghost Busters".

1) The strumming pattern given in the book I don't think is quite right, especially when compared with the actual soundtrack on Apple Music.

2) The first two pages of music are pretty much the same thing over and over again ---- and it's not too difficult ---- in fact the easiest chord in the world is used repeatedly (G5).

3) The actual soundtrack for the song uses guitar chords but it's hard to hear any guitar plucking. That's why I suspect the first two pages of tablature are score for the show like when switches sequences or coming back from a commercial break.

I don't recognize the tablature on the first part ---- but the way it sounds I'm guessing it's just additional little soundtrack that just appears during scene changes or returns from commercial breaks. I'm not sure though. The tablature just doesn't seem to fit in the actual soundtrack theme.


But that's just the first two pages. I didn't get past the first little part.


So, I'm pretty sure Mary Had a Little Lamb is public domain -----

while it's OK to play Ghost Busters because it's in a music book I have that's meant to be played.


Anywho ---- Guitar isn't the biggest instrument in Ghost Busters, so yeah, it doesn't sound like much.


Anyway --- guitar is fun.

A Life of No Rewards

I've noticed something about the life I'm living::: rather than living in a society or system where people are rewarded for good behavior or good work, we appear instead to be living in a system where "the squeaky wheel gets the oil".


What I mean is this:::


From very early in Elementary school all the way to grade 11 ---- I was a top student.

Was there any reward for being a top student? Very little --- not much I'm afraid --- in fact, rather than rewarding my good efforts, people seemed to just hate me for being one of the best.


From 2010 to today I've basically been working trying to sell books, video games, and more recently music.

Not much reward there either.


Yeah ----- the squeaky wheel gets the oil ----- this means that society only decided to reward me when everything was going to hell -------


Or in other words, I was abused so much in my life they gave me a disability benefit. I get money because of how badly people treated me.


And you know what? I'm told there were forces at play when I was initially given my benefit that didn't even want me to have control over my own finances!

I mean --- holy cow ----- all the work I do gets no reward, and when I'm a squeaky wheel the benefit given to me --- well, they were trying to make sure I didn't really actually benefit from it. HOLY CRAP!


Well, it goes without saying::::: My agreement with God was thus "In exchange for my exaltation I would serve God for the rest of my life".


Essentially, Avril Lavigne and friends were God's investment in my life to make me live a life of service to God -------


But true to the pattern, no, I'm not allowed to actually have a reward for my efforts, nor am I allowed to have my investment for future efforts.

Huh.

The church really shot itself in the foot there.



Anyway ----- I was just thinking of things I could talk about, and this seemed like the most generalized observation I could make about my life's history.



Good work results in no reward.

Benefits for mistreatment --- people don't even want you to have that much.

And investment in future service wasn't allowed either.


Yeah ----- it's pretty pathetic how things have gone in my life.



People just don't make very good decisions I guess. But economists have known that for a while.



Two more things worth mentioning:::::


I was a top student in school. I was one of the best and brightest.


And look how much I got devalued.


If I was one of the best ----- and I was devalued that much ------- I have to observe that this does not reflect well on the rest of society. There's not much reason that a lesser person than me would be worth more than me.



Also:::::::

It's interesting how there's always something else I would want to buy for this or that reason::::

New computer hardware, fancy headphones, ------ anyway --- the expenses go on and on and on ------

and for some reason, people just don't see fit to let me have reward or investment. I only barely got my benefits by the skin of my teeth, basically.


Isn't that so weird?

Thursday, February 28, 2019

Canadian Tax Law

Today I was at a doctor's clinic. I had a realization that my memory isn't really that great anymore --- the past is largely a big blur in my mind.

Today, I was talking to God asking Him how my life could turn out this way: you know, top of the class in school for so long, specially blessed mind ---- and boom, sudden diagnosis of Schizophrenia.

How is it that every time I try to make money in a business, I always seem to fail?



Well, I was talking to my dad a bit about stuff like that after talking to God ------




And somehow my Dad mentioned that there is something in Canadian Tax Law called A "Vow of perpetual poverty". I looked it up on Google. Sure enough, vows of poverty are included and considered in Canadian Tax Law.



SO:::: I know my memory isn't the greatest, and I've probably had little to no idea what's really been going on ----------


But giving all the money I earned to Avril Lavigne's charity does sound like the sort of thing I would have done many years ago.


I was just so:::: gung ho about Jesus and in love with Avril and all ------- giving her charity all my earnings sounds like something I would have considered.

My memories aren't complete.


But:::: Considering all, and now knowing that vows of poverty are recognized in Canadian Tax Law ----- yeah, apparently you are allowed to give all your earnings to a religious order in this country, and it's all tax deductible.



Anyway ---- I just hope it's something like Avril that gets it ---------- I don't know what else I've ever belonged to that could claim my earnings.


Maybe the LDS church ---- but I don't do that stuff anymore.


My heart is full of love for Avril, and I am very, very concerned about the LDS Church and what they've taught ------ so I'd be "rolling in my grave" if my money was going to the LDS.



So:::: My Memories really aren't so good anymore, so I don't really know what's been going on --------



But now I am aware that there's all this likelihood that whatever I might have earned may have been redistributed elsewhere.


I don't know this for certain ---- but it's the #1 thing I can suspect.



My life is OK ---- and I guess I can feel good if I've helped people -------------


I'm not really an unhappy person, I guess I just never got to have the joy of seeing a real sales report or having a full bank account.



So I don't really know what's going on ::::::::   I just have some suspicion that I might have signed up to give all my money to Avril's charity in the past. I think. Maybe. It's possible. Sounds like something I would have done.


And that's the best explanation for why my business efforts always seem to fail. Huh.

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Another Strange Message

It's 2:40AM right now, but before I went to bed (and woke up) -----


My family was playing a board game last night.


During the board game, my phone received a text message.


The text message told me to immediately contact a Canadian Bank at a certain phone number.


Yes --- that's interesting, but when I looked up the phone number online ---- that number is not associated with that bank in that search, it was actually associated with a California business that is not a bank.


Though it is intriguing that I would get such a message, to immediately contact a bank, and then the number provided doesn't even go to that bank --------


Yeah ------ I'm suspicious.


A week ago something similar happened when a local retailer offered 0% on all my credit cards.


Just very strange. Although, I am told that retailer that called a week ago actually went out of business shortly back ---- so who knows.


I am not interested in trying to contact a bank at a phone number that Google associates with a completely different business in a different country.


If this bank really wanted to talk to me ----- they could use their own phone number or direct me to their website somehow.


It's just strange how my spam tells me of some account way off wherever ---- 0% credit cards from a local retailer, and a California business masquerading as a Canadian Bank. Very strange.


Though it might play with my hopes and dreams in a way -------- it doesn't look trustworthy even at face value, so if a Bank really wanted to contact me, they'd have to make it look more official and not like a privateer. (yeah, isn't it fun how I recently bought Sid Meier's Colonization? I have memories of that game ------ a privateer was basically a government-hired warship that did not claim to belong to the government that hired it).

Friday, February 22, 2019

Thankful Update

In today's update on my life, I've got a lot to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for Canada's health care system.

And I'm thankful for the new model mac mini I now have.

I got the refurbished low-end base model of the new mac mini. It runs A LOT faster than the 1.4ghz. It's a dream come true. I'd very much recommend spending the extra few hundred dollars on the new mac mini rather than a refurbished 1.4ghz model.

I will note in this post::::: it appears that in order to get Gigabit ethernet working on the new Mac Mini ---- go to:

System Preferences > Network > Ethernet > Advanced > Hardware > Configure: Manually > Speed 1000 base T

I thought I'd mention that because either due to time machine preferences from my old machine or whether this is just a default setting ----- I had to manually switch to 1000 base t rather than using 100 base t ethernet.


As for my music recording and posting on Youtube::: I am doubtful I will have new content for tomorrow.


I TRIED to create content, but my one recording isn't any good, actually, the second recording wasn't that great either but it also was psychotic as I mentioned before.

Yeah ----- I have nothing. So much for a weekly program.


But yeah ---- Just great to have a health care system that cares,

and it's great to have a Mac Mini that is a lot zippier and works for the intended purposes.


Thank God.

Wednesday, February 20, 2019

Popularity

so:: I'm watching my Youtube stats ------ usually historically if I offered something for free, people would download it in droves. (OK -- 100 downloads of an ebook is "droves" in my head, while 100 video views on youtube are underwhelming)

Now that I'm Youtube ----- I've only got, basically, a trickle of interested people.

A trickle of people watching me on Youtube doesn't make me feel encouraged to publish on a streaming service.


So:::::


Looking at what I know about my income, my advertising, everything ---- how much do people like me?



Looking back on my life, people never really liked me. I've always seemed to have problems, even if something was going well for me in one area, there'd be problems in another.


Right now I can think of three options for my options of making money and being a popular seller:::

1) People just don't like me, they never have, and my royalties are negligible. This is the most basic at-face-value way I see things.

BUT ------ there's more to the story:::::

2) Back several years ago, my disability income was only $1188CAD per month. After I wrote my books and did all my work, today my disability income is $1685CAD per month ------ which is a SUBSTANTIAL increase.  What are the chances that the government takes what I earn and redistributes it monthly?

BUT ------ What about SPAM?

3) I know a lot of garbage email is never trusted, people don't like to think about it, but IF we were to accept my spam email at face value::::: Then I have a Swiss bank account with millions of dollars stashed away.


Yeah, I know, option #3 seems really way-out-there, and yes, it's easily understood to likely not be real, especially in my family where trust is ultra low and paranoia is high -----------


I know the Swiss bank account option seems to be unrealistic at face value -------- but I've spent the past 9 years of my life trying to sell things, and well, there's a certain level of believability in my mind that someone might have stashed my money in a Swiss bank account.


So:::: We don't really know if there is a Swiss bank account or not --- that's the kind of thing I might want a Lawyer to help me with --------but at face value, my family doesn't trust that at all, and it's just Junk mail to them.



So:::::


Either people never liked me and still don't -----------


Or my earnings get redistributed through the disability payment system ------------


and according to my SPAM inbox, I have a Swiss bank account with millions stashed away.



Which is the right story to choose for my life narrative? Hahahaha.

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Screening Calls

My family has learned to be very paranoid over the years, so we often just screen phone calls.


But today we've received two calls:::: we screened them of course, but what I learned is interesting::::


766 is apparently the area code for New York.

I did not know that before.

Makes sense considering an old video game I played.




Also:::: Apparently a local Retail Business here in Calgary phoned to offer me 0% interest on all my credit cards.



Like I said, my family is paranoid, and I know that even if this was a legit offer my parents would probably find it highly suspicious. Thanks for the offer though. That was very kind.



But this call was not misinformed ----- they called to congratulate me on my credit rating,


which is interesting because my bank recently wrote to me to pre-approve me for their credit card.



Thing is though:::: I don't plan on going into any level of deeper debt again anytime.


I may have started guitaring, but like I said in my last post:::: that may end quickly if I can't think of things to talk about besides whining about my life.


I was basically just having some fun with Youtube. If the Youtube thing goes viral, then maybe I'll publish what I've already got on a streaming service may be.



yeah. Um. I have good credit, enough to apparently inspire a local retailer to give me an offer ------ but I have no plans of indebting myself again in a big way.



My parents wouldn't even trust such things as I know them.



Life is getting exciting, but if I'm to keep making music I'll need better ideas. I might need better musical knowledge and skills too.



This could take a while.

Monday, February 18, 2019

Writing New Music

On a side note: Just now as I was opening my web browser to write this post - I must've waited 5 or 10 minutes just for the web browser to load.

And then there was that time when it took an hour to order lunch ---- I turned on my computer, waited to boot, waited to log in, waited to open the web browser etc etc ------ really really slow.

I'll be so glad once I finally replace this 1.4ghz mac mini with one of the new macs. Just have to wait patiently.

It's almost like the hard drive on this machine is slower than it has to be.



Anyway:: now for the real post::

A week ago I thought I'd try putting one of my poems from The Book of Finch to music and releasing it this Saturday. But I'm not very trained musically, so the music I added to the song made the poem seem sick --- like, literally it seemed like illness music, something you would listen to if you were about to barf.

So, I put that idea on the shelf.

And then yesterday, I decided maybe I should try writing a song to release on Youtube this Saturday to keep up a schedule -----

So, I wrote the poetry I could feel, the poetry that was inside of me ------

I wrote music for that poetry ---------

And I have to say ------ it's psychotic music. Like, it's what's inside of me, and it might even be a good message to tell, but it's not necessarily a NICE message.

It's the story of going through so much mistreatment repeatedly and just being told to forgive everything.

I leave a lot to the imagination, but if you knew what it was like to experience that in life you may see how such a song could be considered "wrong".

(And though The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints loves telling music it is wrong, this wrong music is a clear product of me living in that church)

Anyway ----- so I wrote a poem, and created some music --- it's what I could do because that's how my soul flows -----

But it's music that's basically on some level, psychotic. Paranoid schizophrenia levels of psychotic.


I mean ---- you know "Let's Talk" ------- it's good to let people know about this sort of thing,


but it's not necessarily a positive message.


And considering how Guidelines of behavior might be, I'm just wondering that maybe I should scrap this song as well. It's on my hard drive, but if I want to be a happy musician and make the world a better place ------ would such unhappy psychotic music help?


I think it COULD help ----- but I know probably someone wouldn't agree with that.


If you had a brain and interpreted my song, it would be taken as a message to always be on your best behavior --------


But it doesn't say that outright.


So yeah, I'm basically wondering if I'll have to scrap this. Maybe in some code of law such a song would be allowed ---- but we're talking YOUTUBE here, where it may or may not be OK ------ as well as a Church of Jesus Christ environment where people can be very judgmental.


So::: it's possible that my music project might have only two songs in it now -----


Simply because I write what I feel, and what I felt, trying to stay on schedule, someone might not like.


And the truth is, I've felt this way, I've had concerns over these thoughts for many years now ------ and the only real place I can discuss it is with my doctor. Nobody else wants to hear it.



So ----- Though I could have written more and produced a weekly song (maybe), I might have to shut down my own project, simply because I am full of grief and often don't have much else to talk about, in the depths of my soul.


I basically have to make deliberate effort to be happy really.

Saturday, February 16, 2019

Mellow Music 1 - Garage Band Guitar Instrumental

I've just released my latest composition and performance on Youtube. It's a lot calmer than my previous song. I made a change to the score today to make it better. I designed this song to help a player practice switching between chords. I like it.





Wednesday, February 13, 2019

About Psychiatry

I just thought I'd share a bit about my understanding or experiences with psychiatry here in Canada.

Psychiatric clinics do seem a little scary --- especially after you've lived a life of torment.


But, looking back, I have to say that psychiatry has been overall beneficial in my life.


The worst part of psychiatry is probably the drugs ------ it is really questionable how useful those really are -------



but in my life of living in the mental health system here, psychiatry has provided so much help ----- it feeds me, it gives me someone to talk to, it's like my friend, and it even helps me figure out some of life's problems.


OK ---- so there are different kinds of psychiatry.


I got psychiatry with a slant that really questions the LDS Church ------ and this has really helped me.


I don't know completely if there are psychiatrists out there who would go total pro-LDS ------- so I can't say for certain anything about that --------


but in my experiences with psychiatry, they really helped me question the validity of the church ---- and that REALLY HELPED.



So:::: being LDS, with beliefs in the paranormal and a no drugs philosophy, Psychiatric clinics seem really scary ----


but, looking back, yeah, it has actually been very good for me.


The worst part is the drugs ---- although the doctors themselves would say that the drugs helped me recover as much as I have. I don't know if I fully believe that ---- but the good news is that I am recovering.


Psychiatry can be a really good benefit for your life ------ but if you "misbehave too much" then they will make sure to treat you for those behaviors too I'm sure ------ so psychiatry has it's rewards for both patients and victims. Which is great.


Anyway, that's just how I've seen it in my Canadian psychiatric experience.


I should note ------- not all doctors are the same, and I've been lucky because for years now I've had a REALLY GOOD DOCTOR. it's been awesome having this psychiatrist.



So yeah ---- just the biggest bad thing that there might be about this profession is the drugs: how much do they really help?


I should also say that I am on a really good drug too.  The Paliperidone Injectable, or Invega Sustenna ------- has let me live my life happily and freely as I would want to, the only really big drawback being I gained a lot of weight, which doesn't really feel like too much of a problem anymore.


Some drugs are designed to put their patients to sleep.


My med lets me have more regular sleeping patterns --- it does NOT put me to sleep, and this has been wonderful for me.


I am actually just like the church taught in primary:::: early to bed and early to rise.



Anyway::::: I know psychiatry can seem scary, but after my years of living with it ----- it has actually been quite good. I really questioned it for a very long time.


It's not perfect, but it was really, really helpful. So yay.

The Power of Helping

so: good news: Purolator says they found my amp, and they said they are going to deliver it to me today. Yippee.


But the following is what I really wanted to say::::::

If you don't already know, in all my time trying to do this or that, selling things, I've found that people typically just do not pay.

This means that I am forced to survive mostly on the disability income I receive ----- and the reason I'm disabled is because of all the abuse and torment I received from other people when I was growing up.

So:::: growing up I was treated very poorly, and this is why I now have my income.

I've tried to work and entertain and educate people, but people don't pay me anything for this work ---- obviously something is very wrong with humanity, as things aren't going well repeatedly.



ANYWAY ------- SO:::: I bought an electric guitar, and I am now able to make my own music.

I also figured out that I will soon finally be able to buy a low-end new mac mini.


But I have to emphasize::::


THE ONLY REASON THIS IS POSSIBLE


is because my grandmother donated $500 to me as a Christmas gift.


I would not feel able to buy the guitar or the mac mini so soon if it wasn't for Grandma's Christmas gift/donation.


She basically just invested in my talents, really.


So:::: if a simple $500 donation gets me moving down a road where I can now play guitar online and even get a new mac,


then wouldn't it sure be interesting if people actually paid me for my work or donated bitcoin? I"m sure it would be pretty darned interesting.



I was just watching a video on youtube that says entrepreneurs suffer because people don't have money to spend. I believe it.


Imagine what the world would be like if people were honest in their dealings. Huh. The world would likely be a MUCH better place.


Anyway:::::


Main point of this post::::


My amp will be returned to me soon,


and the effects of one $500 donation/gift to me have been tremendous. Getting paid really, really helps.

Saturday, February 9, 2019

What I Want - Garage Band Electric Guitar Music

Well ---- my fancy microphone didn't make it ---- but I decided I would check to see if I could record something good with my webcam as a mic ---- it turned out quite alright I think!



So:::: listen to my electric guitar, listen to my words of faith, and watch some good messages on the screen. yay!





Friday, February 8, 2019

Microphone Order Cancelled eh

This morning I posted a video on Youtube announcing that I intend on performing some music in an upcoming video.

I say I am waiting on a fancy microphone to record my vocals.


I had ordered a fancy refurbished microphone ------- the money was paid from my Card ------- but when I just checked on the order a moment ago, the portal said the order had been canceled.

Huh.

Well, it was refurbished ---- maybe there weren't any in stock, who knows.

It would be too bad if I offended Best Buy somehow by saying my amp never arrived.



The good news is that Purolator has gotten back to me twice today about the missing amp. I hope this all gets sorted out quickly enough.



Well ---- that announcement video on Youtube -------- I advertised it on Twitter and Facebook ---- so far only 1 person has watched only 6 seconds of it.


This does not look promising.


It's interesting that I have some subscribers, followers on Twitter and friends on Facebook ---- and then nobody cared to watch my video. Hmmm.


Such a letdown.


Am I personally just somehow separate from the rest of society? Maybe I am.


You'd think having friends would be a good thing ------ but it is also true that I have seen people fail horribly in their thoughts, actions, and speech. Maybe it is best just to stay separate.


It's unfortunate that I appear unable to sell anything or to even get people interested in watching a simple 2-minute video.



Who knows ------ my friends historically, many of them came from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and the church and I stopped getting along ------- and it's quite probable that members of the church can't accept to be shown how they might be wrong, especially when they believe it's wrong to criticize.

Oh well.


That's just a little sad because so much of what I am and learned and do and know came from that church ------ but somehow things just changed, and though I have much of my life based on things I know from church ------- the church basically seems to have rejected itself basically.


yeah, weird huh?



One minute the church is telling you that denying the Holy Ghost and murder are unforgivable --- the next thing you know your bishop tells you to deny your testimony of the Holy Ghost and they suddenly change their teaching to that murder actually HAS to be forgiven.


They were going in one direction consistently ---- then there was a sudden change in policy I guess.


And they feel they cannot be criticized for changing their beliefs or policies, or basically, baiting and switching.

Thursday, February 7, 2019

My First Amp is my Mac

Good news.

I now have an amp.

My amp even records my guitar playing, way better than my webcam recorded my acoustic guitar.

Yeah ---- a cable arrived today. I just plugged it into my mac, set the settings, turned on the application, set the settings again, and away I went.

It's not very loud though. But I think my parents will be OK with that.


So::: yeah, my acoustic guitar recordings from my webcam were not nearly as good as the recordings from my electric guitar through a cable on my amp. This is so special.


And I also received a guitar stand today. Now I don't have to worry about my Squier falling over. Yay.



You might wonder why I'd even want a real amp if I can use my Mac as an amp ---- well, setting up the mac as an amp is tedious enough that I'd want something that I can just plug and play with. That's why.


Anyway, just thought I'd share the good news. My Mac may be an amp now --- but it's more of a recording machine than an amplifier.


OK --- For some reason I actually feel kind of unfulfilled right now, like this is actually kind of a letdown.


It's all good ------- but it's just not a real amp. But yeah. Hmmm.


You'd think I'd be feeling better about this now. I still feel "good" ----- but it's not a strong good. It's kind of a "meh" actually.


So::: just got to look into a new amp is all. A real amp.

Reach Out With your feelings (Empathy)

Over the past few visits to the psychiatric hospital (every 3 weeks) I've started to notice that I'll feel anxiety and or depression .on those days.

These days, I'm normally feeling like quite a happy person ---- but on days I visit the psychiatric Unit I sense anxiety and depression.

So::: I have come to believe in EMPATHY, the ability to sense or feel what someone else is feeling.



Today, I was pulling a Jedi and reaching out with my feelings. Well, I wasn't really "reaching out" -- I was just sensing whatever might be going on in people's hearts.


Some people might call this a crazy belief, but


When you felt as many different feelings as I felt in such a short period of time --- I think I can safely suspect that I am feeling the feelings of other people.


This is NOT a "mood swing" ---- in a mood swing my thoughts and emotions would probably be changing together and I'd be acting accordingly,


This is me with a mind that's heavily thoughtful, and a heart sensing different feelings.


I am very much into good and happy feelings these days. But I could sense emptiness, in some, anger, in one I think, happiness, ----- well, anyway --- there's a whole range of feelings, and it was very interesting to sample them all in a short period of time.


A person who feels empty, I realize, might not even realize what they are missing out on, they may have to learn about the better warmer and happier feelings, I suspect.


Anyway ---- I'm just saying that I suspect I can sense others' feelings, at least occasionally ---- and yes, I am still believing in telepathy too.





As for the loss of the guitar Amplifier that was shipped to me:::::

I feel good in my heart, I am forgiving. It would be nice if someone or especially some company could reimburse me for my loss, but even if not, I am feeling forgiving,

and I realize that if I have to I can just go buy a new amp myself anyway. But it would be better if I was reimbursed for my loss.




I have grown so used to forgiving things, my growing up days as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has done so much to keep me non-responsive to a bad situation.


Although, more recently, it's becoming clearer in my mind that the church no longer controls me and that I am not absolutely required to forgive everything anymore. I do it largely out of habit, as well as I think there really are some good benefits to forgiveness.


So Yeah, I feel forgiving of my "damaged package". Reimbursement would be nice though.



I am a happy man. Life had been such a struggle ------ but I have brought myself to a good place of peace and happiness.



I think I've run out of things to say for now.

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

More Trolling

I kind of thought that maybe I should just stop talking about trolling ---- I tried not to mention this, but now I will:::

The backlight on my watch broke. I don't know how or why, but the backlight just broke. Huh. It doesn't work anymore.

But here's the really BIG trolling story for the day::::



Purolator delivered my Electric Guitar Pack from Best Buy today.  A day late. Actually --- two days late,

the first day late is because my credit card company suspected fraud -----

the second day late is because of inclement weather ------

But, now that it has arrived::: there's a problem::::::



The box for the whole shebang arrived pre-opened. I went through the contents.


The amplifier is missing.


How am I supposed to play my electric guitar with NO AMP????


This is disconcerting circumstance.


I have already contacted both Best Buy and Purolator about this. I took pictures.


I just have to wait for their responses now.


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Well, this isn't the first time my mail has magically gone missing. Now I have further evidence that such goes on.

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

The Universe is STILL trolling me

Yesterday, in anticipation of getting my new Squier Affinity --- I decided I would buy sheet music for O Canada for guitar.

As I played the music on my acoustic, something became clear::: the music provided did not actually play O Canada.

I pulled out my iPad with Garage Band and inputted the chords from he sheet music into garage band to make sure --- Yep ---- the guitar chords listed on the sheet music had nothing to do with O Canada.

So::: $3CAD down the drain.




Today is the day my Squier was supposed to arrive.

But it's -28 degrees Celsius outside. Way too cold. I have to wait for tomorrow.



The good news is that I started studying scales today. I've learned a bit. Just very small things.

After tuning up my guitar (somehow it got out of tune) ---- I was playing around a bit with a Major Scale in B and it sounded alright.

It's just a matter of fully memorizing the scale diagram and practicing coordinating my left hand with my right hand in which string I'm plucking in that moment.


More good news:::

I'm getting better and better at being able to switch between Chords. This might just be because "Mellow Music 1" (or my variations of it) make it easy for me to switch chords ----- anyway, I'm getting practice.


My C Chord has also improved quite a bit --- thank you for your prayers. More prayers and practice will really help still I'm sure.



And lastly, in preparation for receiving my Squier, last night I reorganized and cleaned up my bedroom a bit more.

Yes --- this means I had to remove some of my parents' stuff from storage on shelves and under a table -----but I'm enjoying my space more now.


Not much more to say. Despite the Universe still trolling me, I'm still keeping happy.

Sunday, February 3, 2019

It's almost like the Universe is now TROLLING me.

In my last post, I stated my intention to move some funds onto my MasterCard and then order my first electric guitar this week.

It seems I'm getting a bit of a run-around - like the Universe is trolling me.

It wasn't too long after making that announcement on my blog that when I looked back at the guitar kit on Amazon I was thinking of ----- poof ------ they had at least a few in stock but suddenly there was no more stock ----- all in a 24 hour period.

So::: I started thinking about more expensive options and set more money to be moved to my MasterCard.

I will note::: the card I was moving my money to was a PREPAID MASTERCARD.

Well, the soonest I expect that money to be accounted for on that card is Tuesday. Maybe late Monday.

But today, this morning ---- I was looking at guitars on Best Buy, when they had a deal on that I didn't notice before ---- and it ends either today or tomorrow.

And I realized by the time my money gets to my card -- it will probably be too late.

So luckily I was able to remember all the details of my DEBT MASTERCARD ---- a mastercard I was intending on never using again. I WAS intending on never using it again, until I saw the deal on Best Buy that would be over before too long ------ so yeah, happily I remembered my card's details and was able to place an order.

But I'm not done yet!!

An hour or so ago the bank of my Debt Mastercard sent me messages asking me if this transaction is for real or if it's fraud. This never happens.

I had to respond that it's a good deal, and now looking at the email from Best Buy about this --- I now have to wait for tomorrow for Best Buy to finally receive payment and send out the shipment ---- which means the guitar will arrive a little later than I had originally hoped.

So:::: Yes ----- this is like a big runaround like the Universe is trolling me.

1) The guitar kit I was looking at suddenly became sold out wthin 25 hours ---
2) Before being able to make a purchase with my Prepaid Card ---- Best Buy annouced a sale that ends very quickly -------
3) I make the purchase with my Debt Card ------ but the purchase is suddenly suspected to be fraud ---- and I had to manually confirm it was actually good.


Huh.


Anyway ----- Just in case my banks are reading and they're wondering what I'm talking about:::

I have TWO Mastercards. One is a debt card. One is a PREPAID card.

I intended on only using the Prepaid Card for the rest of my life, but again I have found a use for going a bit into debt again.





SO:::: Yesterday i was at my Sister's place to help her with some work.

I was so excited about my intentions of buying an electric guitar that I couldn't stop talking about Guitar with my Sister and her Husband.

Their family is learning Ukelele, so I also talked a good deal about that too.

Just very excited and intrigued

So::: near the end I pulled out my iPhone to play some of my recordings for my Brother-in-Law.

My brother-in-law, during the play of my recording, pulled out his Ukelele and some music and started to play and sing. I turned off my phone.

I actually have to say I'm really impressed with my Brother-in-Law's talent::: his singing with the Ukelele was actually quite beautiful.

The next steps for him would be to memorize his songs and perfect switching between Chords.

It was just so nice. The Ukelele is a beautiful instrument.




I think there was something else I was planning on discussing in this blog post, but now I can't remember what it was. I've forgotten.



So I'll end this post by saying that in so many ways I am just so happy with my life now ---- I feel like I'm in a sort of heaven that just keeps getting better and better. Besides the Universe trolling me.

I'm just so content now.




I just realized that I could say there is a reason to suspect some of the information from Ancestry.com is actually true ------ but I will still keep my famous relations private right now.



There you go ----- all these good things to say, and I can't even remember the other thing I had to talk about.

Friday, February 1, 2019

Developing My Skills

Good news.

Yesterday I was examining a diagram of the Guitar Fretboard.

I figured out to memorize one area of the fretboard where it's easier to see and play all the notes from A to G.

I can now happily play a simple song by plucking --- no chords necessary. This new development in my skills will at least make playing that one song easier for me. Playing it with chords is harder --- especially when I experience so many problems with my C Chord again and again. Please pray for my C Chord.

So::: what is the proper term for playing the guitar without chords?

My Dad, from his days of playing Cello, called plucking his cello "Staccato" ----- So that's what we tend to call plucking on the guitar too ----- but other names used might be just "plucking" or "tab" or "tablature" ----- although I think a tablature is actually just a form of guitar musical notation.

Anyway:: more good news:::

My parents have given me permission to buy my first ELECTRIC guitar ---- as long as I keep the volume way down and use headphones.

Just a moment ago I initiated a transfer of some of my savings to my MasterCard. I'll be able to make an order probably by next week sometime.

So much for any plans of buying a new mac mini.




In other news::::

I don't know what it is:::: I think someone may have been praying for me to look, think or feel more benevolently about the Church.

I started seeing some of the good in what the church taught and started feeling more benevolent towards people who I was seriously ticked off at for a long time.

I'll say this::::

Mormonism (as in Mormonism as a whole --- not just the LDS) is a harder religion to live by than Christianity.

Jesus said his yoke is easy and his burden is light. Living by the Mormon way is harder. It's a slightly different philosophy that allows for big gains in life, but it's harder to live by.

Mormonism can get very broken very quickly. It's especially difficult when you have a member of your family who doesn't understand something about proper behavior or is not receptive to the holy spirit properly. It can be VERY difficult to live. But if lived properly, the results can be amazing.

And I'm only saying that on A SURFACE LEVEL context.

At the surface, which is all the religion ever needs to be for anyone::: it's just "Be good person, do your best, forgive the rest".

If you delve deeper into the texts and history of Mormonism, it stops making sense very quickly. --- there is a lot of fluff in the church ----------

But the main message is just "do your best and forgive the rest".  That's the very basics of it---- and that's all anyone ever really needs to know and do. Do that much --- and you are doing well.


It's just that it can be very difficult to live that way. But the results may make it entirely worthwhile.


And yeah ---- there are a zillion different ways in which Mormonism can go wrong, where it can become broken.


That's why I'm referring to Mormonism as a whole and not just the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ----------- the LDS version has become so broken that even if I were to think of calling myself a Mormon again, I would still shy away from the LDS version.


In my Mormonism, Joseph Smith did NOT literally translate anything ------- whether he made it up or he was inspired with good thoughts, I do not believe he actually translated gold plates. But he taught some good ideas.

In my Mormonism, Coffee is totally allowed ---- as long as you cool it down with cold milk or water. Although, if you are under the age of 18 you should only drink decaf.  Same goes for tea.






Anyway, I will end today's discussion on Mormonism by pointing out two ways in which the church became broken::::

One church taught to opposing and conflicting doctrines on the same topic.

There were those who said "Be perfect" and there were those who said, "No one is perfect, we all sin".

Both these schools of thought existed in the same church. This makes living in that church difficult, and kind of makes the doctrine broken. Confusing to say the least.



And the second point is this::::

My older brother and I, long ago, both tried to commit ourselves to serve Jesus. The church basically got rid of both of us. We may have offered our lives to the Lord ---- but the church did not want us.

What makes this confusing or a little bit weird is this:::

I am aware of certain individuals who did NOT really follow the church properly, which means they were NOT properly committed to Jesus ----- and yet the church retained their membership and standing in the church.

Seems backward doesn't it?

The two loyal boys who actually want to do it ---- we got removed.

The people who didn't do it and weren't really committed ------ They were retained - the church kept them.

yeah --- it's weird --- especially when you consider the baptismal covenant --- how you commit yourself to choose the right.

When you make a covenant that says you'll choose the right, it's just weird that those who commit to serving Jesus are booted out while those who weren't actually following the rules retain membership. It really is that strange.

Monday, January 28, 2019

I Tried Something Different

After writing yesterday's post about maybe buying a new low-end mac mini and maybe continuing in development, I felt driven to try and start working on a version of The Inter-Continental Brink of Madness in XCode.

I only got so far before I realized the project is more than my "expertise" can handle.

My knowledge of swift and Xcode is really limited to a basic course I took online.

Some things I'd want to do in such a game project are more than I know how at this point.



And then I calculated how much my investments will likely be worth, like in a year, if I keep saving and investing.


I realized that if I just keep investing and saving that before long I'll start making more from investments than I ever did from OUYA or selling books.


Well, looking at how difficult it is to work on these projects, and how little I've previously been paid ---- and then looking at how much more I'll make just investing and letting other people work for me ----


Yes, my last blog post was right when I felt like my "work is done".


All I have now is this blog to say things on. If I ever feel like it. Because I commonly have no one to talk to.


But really ----- My XCode knowledge is limited, which makes development difficult, I barely made any money from sales anyway ---- and within a short period of time I'll be making a bit of a mint from investing, no point spending on new macs or trying again. Any time soon at least.

Sunday, January 27, 2019

Achieving Goals

I was up early this morning, around 1 AM. At some point during my long morning silence I could hear rain falling, and some thunder -----

So I decided to turn off my macs.

Later in the day, when I decided to turn my 1.4ghz Mac Mini back on again ---- well, I was doing something else for most of the boot process---- but when I sat down to log in and use the machine ------- it was laboriously slow. I mean, really slow.

I don't think one could reliably run a business on such a machine.

The hard drive is slow, there's only 4gb of RAM and a pretty big operating system --- and the processor is only 1.4ghz --------

So I'm estimating that it must've taken at least 15 minutes to log in and get a web browser started.



That process was so slow and painful that I decided to look at my budget and see what it'll take to buy one of the new Mac minis.


In about 30 days, if I keep "wasteful" spending to a minimum, I may be able to buy a low-end new Mac mini ----- If I sell some assets/dig deep into my savings.


At that point, once I have that new computer system to make my day just so I don't have to feel very slow pain ------ then I can use my 1.4ghz machine, hopefully, as a High Sierra machine again.


I'll be a lot closer to setting up a new development environment at that point, especially as I'll be able to have access to the old system and a new system on the same desk. Yay.



Will I develop more or release or re-release anything ever? Who knows.


To be honest, I've been feeling lately quite a bit like "my work is done" or "mission accomplished".


I'm only looking short-term into the future, but all I see myself doing is writing on this blog. And maybe longer term into the future maybe developing something --- if I ever get really creative again.


I feel like I've come so far in life ------- I was so down in the dumps emotionally and psychologically in my life -------- I have come a long way since then. I am so much happier now. In this way, at very least, I can definitely feel like I've accomplished a mission to come back to good health.


The one big thing that sometimes my mind will dwell on is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints' doctrine on forgiveness, especially as they are constantly explaining it in D&C 64.


You get baptized into the church where they try to tell you that this is a commitment you are making to basically live your life perfectly or as best as possible ---- and though since the day of your baptism they committed you to doing your best and living as perfectly as possible,


for who knows what reason they always automatically assume you are the worst person when anything goes wrong.



What I mean is:::::

1) You got baptized.
2) You commit to live perfectly
3) Time moves on
4) Someone does something very bad
5) You feel this person should be disciplined, especially to help them never do it again
6) The bishop just whips our D&C 64 and makes the automatic blanket statement that you are the worse sinner.


To me, this does not make any sense. You are raised and taught to be perfect, to be like God, yet they always automatically assume that you've always done something worse than the original offender, regardless of how perfectly you tried to live. It is not a system based on actual merit. That is, however, how I was raised.

(On a side note, don't you think it's weird how the church is obsessed with how you should never criticize people, but for some reason the Bishop is always accusing people who tried their best that they are the worse person regardless of actual merit? yeah --- it's weird).

The church was always telling me that I'm always the worse person. It didn't matter how bad the crime was ---- I'm always the worse one.


Quite frankly, I think the church was actually just abusing me with D&C 64---- especially when I eventually started doing things wrong, and then they didn't even forgive me for what I did ------ something was very, very wrong.


And that's about the biggest psychological issue I still have to think about today. I'm mostly doing good ----- but that doctrinal issue is the one thing that consistently still bothers me.


And then any other tangent you can think of about LDS Church doctrine might ever come up in my head. At any point.


I am mission accomplished in the sense that I was dropped into madness and I've pretty much climbed out of that madness and am back in a good state again -------


But if my actual goals in life had been completed I would have brought the world to repentance so people would be honest and would have actually paid for books rather than pirating.


I don't think I'll ever be going back to church now though.




On another note::::: it's so weird how the church places huge emphasis at baptism for REPENTANCE ------- but after baptism we never hear from repentance again and from that time on they just emphasize FORGIVENESS ------ no one is actually required to repent it seemed like.


Just saying how you think life will get better when you repent and get baptized because your family will actually start to behave ----------


when what happens instead is they completely forget about the repentance thing, and then it all becomes about ALL FORGIVENESS ALL THE TIME -------- meaning no one is actually trying to be perfect, and no one will ever be enforced into being such.


Yeah I don't know --- I'm just pointing out a bait-and-switch here --- they attracted me to the church with their words of REPENTANCE, but once you are actually in it was never about repentance, it was actually all about FORGIVENESS.


So yeah.


My life's work feels mostly complete now, but we'll see if I can get a new development environment set up and if I can get creative again ---------

and I'm feeling a lot better these days, but still have some bothersome psychological memories about what I went through in the church.

Thursday, January 24, 2019

Is this for real?

I've noticed something.

I take some time to look at my latest spam in my spam box every so often.

On my iCloud, there's an email that says I can claim quite a lot of money.

On my Gmail, there's another string of emails trying to get me to get into some kind of account and get some money.

So far, I've never really been too certain that I should actually trust anything these letters say, regardless of how official they might even look.

If someone wants to give me money, then why not JUST SEND ME A CHEQUE?

But anyway ------ I just noticed today that the addresses on the icloud spams and the gmail spams are supposedly very close to each other, both coming from Switzerland.


Like:::: There's an address here, and then there's another address in the other email account:::: and these addresses are very close to each other.


Anyone have any idea?


But seriously:::: If you have money FOR ME ----- Seriously, write me a cheque! I'll totally let you deduct the transaction fees from the principal you are offering. Totally.

I'm Invited

I checked my email a moment ago and found that I've been invited to a special writing event in Southern California.


The whole reason I wrote my books, developed the video games ----- the initial first reason was so I could make enough money to make such a trip and become closer friends with you know who.


After 3 books and 8 video games published ----- I didn't really make any money.


I just found plenty of evidence that people would take freebies and droves --- and if it wasn't free, then they'd pirate it.



Yes ---- I was trying to raise money so I could safely go on a trip to meet my hero again.


It seems kind of strange that the whole reason I was doing this is being tested again with an event in the industry in the same area of the world.



Anyway ----- I have $0 in my chequing account right now ---- I have only $30 in my wallet ------ I don't think I'm going to make it.



Is this irony? Or is it juxtaposition? The whole reason I wrote the book was to make a trip -----the book failed to sell -------- and now the industry I engaged in has invited me on a similar trip.


Huh.

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Learning a bit about my relatives

So::: My Mom being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints came home from one of her things a while back and told us there's an app from Ancestry.com called We're Related that shows you who you are related to --- among famous people.


Like, these famous people could be famous for doing any number of things.


So:::: either most of my branches haven't been researched yet, or most of my branches are bare except for two.


I have one really quite famous branch in my family.



For the sake of privacy, I will not tell you who I am related to --- not yet at least.


First off:::: You almost have to wonder if it's a mistake or a joke ------- but this is what the sources at Ancestry.com tell me.



Well, it just so happens that my family seems to have a bit of a tradition of producing celebrities. Some are really big, some of them are a bit smaller ----- but yes ---- Hollywood names.



I have a couple of politicians, a philosopher, and a few, well, actors. And that's just from TWO of EIGHT branches.



You want to know some history? When my Dad was younger, like, when my grandparents were younger ---- They knew Jim Carey's family before he was famous.


And then Avril Lavigne lived near my grandparents for 20 some-odd years ------- my grandparents lived right near Abbey Dawn Road.



yes ---- this is very interesting.  And now Ancestry.com is telling more about the tradition of celebrity in my family.




So:::: yes, that is very cool --------------





But again, I just have to wonder about the Church of "Jesus Christ" of Latter-Day Saints.




If my family has a history of producing people like this, and I was year after year a top ranked student in school -------------



Then what gave the local LDS Bishop the right to shit on my family traditions and try to pull me apart from a long history of meteoric success?



The Latter-Day Saint church taught me that you will lose your blessings if you sin. Period.



Does that really make sense though? If I can have a job because I drink coffee or can't have a wife because I masturbate ----------



Like::::: If blessings are just BOOM LOST ------- Simply because I broke a church rule -----------


Then why does the church even believe in THREE FREAKIN' DEGREES OF GLORY????



The Bishop basically treated me like I was dropped to utter damnation simply because I'm a normal male.



There are THREE DEGREES OF GLORY.


I'm sure Jesus DIED FOR SOME REASON.


The Bishop basically felt he had the right to kick me out of my family simply because I'm a normal male. O my God.  Most of my family really doesn't even friggin' believe in this church.




So:::: IF you get damned to hell simply because you broke a couple LDS Rules that don't even make sense once you develop a scientific understanding -------


Then why are there three degrees of glory???  What does the Moon glory give you if you just can't have blessings because you masturbate or drink coffee?


Like:::: The Terrestrial Kingdom, or THE MOON GLORY ----- IS SUPPOSED TO BE SOME KIND OF KINGDOM OF GLORY -------- Yet here's the church damning me to hell just for being a normal male.


I'm just not sure where the Bishop got his doctrine from.




They believe if three degrees of glory, and yet they felt I could not be glorified simply because I'm a normal male.  Like::: It's absolutely NORMAL ---- At least 99% of males do it.




And I had to lose my glory, my family traditions, simply because the Bishop didn't realize that God was merciful and forgiving?




To be honest, there are a ZILLION things about growing up under that bishop that really don't make any sense at all ----------



But now having learned about my family's tradition of producing celebrities, I am even more upset that the Bishop was trying to take that away from me over non-reasons.




When the bishop decided that Avril Lavigne can't go to heaven simply because she is a popular musician::::


Right then at that moment, the Bishop was telling me that GOD SHITS ON MY FAMILY.



And to be honest, the Bishop was also telling me to deny my testimony of the Holy Ghost ------ which means my Bishop believes in a totally different God than I did.



The church is simply unacceptable now.

Monday, January 21, 2019

Is Jesus Competent?

So, in my last post, I mentioned that my personal commitment to serve Jesus was viewed as a deal with the devil by my past LDS Bishop.

I think the idea basically was that if I was going to be making agreements with God, that I had to do it through "proper priesthood conduits" rather than on my own in my personal relationship with the Lord ----- because if I'm not doing it through official church channels, then to the church that's just "a deal with the devil" in their eyes.

Here's the thing though: If Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are God, and God is sovereign, then why on earth is it so requisite for GOD to make agreements with his children through certain representatives rather than in his own personal dealings?



The question I'm discussing here is a topic discussed in The Sealed Portion by Christopher Nemelka.


I know I previously said I'd just ignore this book, and I still will mostly ignore it ----- but I have read the first chapter of Lehi ------ and the book makes a valid point.



You see, the church teaches personal prayer, and personal revelation, heck ----- the church may not teach this but it should be obvious that anyone can just do the same thing that Joseph Smith did and ask God due to their lack of personal wisdom. There's nothing in that Bible scripture that limited such prayers to God solely to Joseph Smith ---- anyone can do it. "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who giveth to ALL MENT LIBERALLY" ----- isn't that what the scripture said?


There's nothing about that scripture that limits the use of that scripture just to Joseph Smith.


Anyway ---------


Seeing as how GOD is at the top of the church, and God is sovereign, I just think it's so strange how the LDS try to say that all the covenants or whatever must be established through their channels ---- for some reason they consider any one-on-one with God to be invalid.


The simple truth is, GOD should be able to give His priesthood to WHOMEVER HE WANTS regardless of what LDS Church authorities say -------


The LDS Church seems to think God is incompetent and is not allowed to make decisions as such or do things in his own behalf --- that all must be done through the LDS Prophet or LDS Church leadership.


The simple truth is that The Sealed Portion by Christopher Nemelka makes a valid point --- I'm not really a proponent of this work, but the first chapter of Lehi simply explains a very big flaw with the church organization.


If there is personal prayer, and there is personal revelation, and God giveth to ALL MEN liberally, then why on earth do all covenants and ordinations have to be done through official LDS Channels?


Why can't individuals have their own personal relationships with Deity ----- and why isn't God allowed to act in his own behalf?


Simply, GOD can do things on his own of his own will ---- he does not NEED the LDS Church to be his personal representative in all matters.


Basically, if the LDS Church is God's representative and God is not allowed to act on his own behalf, then they are basically treating God like He is legally INCOMPETENT.


GOD can do whatever He wants. He doesn't need approval from LDS Church leadership.


That means he can ordain anyone he chooses to His priesthood and does not require the LDS Prophet's approval.


He can teach and make covenants with whomever he chooses ------ telling God that he's only allowed to have a representative act in such ways is like saying GOD is incompetent and cannot make decisions for Himself.



Anyway ----- I will still continue to ignore mostly what The Sealed Portion says ----but the first Chapter of the Book of Lehi makes a good point.



Unfortunately, in my own family, I still have people in my family who are very LDS and do not realize some of the things I've mentioned here.


Basically::: it's only reasonable to understand that if personal prayer and personal revelation are a thing, then GOD can do whatever He wants with whomever He wants ---- he does not need the approval of the LDS Prophet or your LDS Bishop.


Telling GOD that his representatives must act in His behalf at all times is like telling God he's legally incompetent. Do you think the sovereign Lord of creation can't handle his own doings?


Anyway -------- yeah. The LDS Church just completely plays down any idea that God would ever do anything on his own without them. They seem to believe that they act on his behalf and that God isn't even allowed to make his own decisions.


It's kind of disrespectful.

Friday, January 18, 2019

Being a Good Person

A couple side notes:

My 1.4ghz Mac Mini seems to have gotten "faster" in the past couple of days. It's definitely still not as fast as my 2012 mac mini, but I remember using the 1.4 and finding it to be more functional than it previously had been just shortly before. Interesting.

I was looking through a place where we keep some of my stuff in the house when I found something. No one had ever told me I had this. In fact, this is a product I didn't even know existed. No one told me about it --- I didn't know it even existed --- and surprisingly I found it in a bin of my stuff. The really good thing is that this is another one of those things which I have pretty much needed all my life. Well, I didn't necessarily absolutely NEED it, but it's pretty close to being a need, and well, I've needed it for years --- I didn't even know it existed, and somehow it just showed up in a bin of my stuff. So weird.



So this blog post I'd like to write a bit about morality.


I'm trying to be a good person. The LDS Church did something really wonderful for me::: when I turned 8 years old:::: they baptized me. I took it seriously. The whole idea, in its basic form, was to do the right thing, choose the right, be perfect. Every time. Another way this can be looked at is to just do your best and forgive the rest.

Instilling a sense of morality in me and my family seems like a really good thing to do. If my parents made a good choice, I think it has done me a lot of good just to go through that baptismal experience and commit myself to making the right choices and doing good things.

What I found was that committing yourself to the right choices early in life is VERY IMPORTANT ---- Why? Because not too long after getting baptized I found that there were all kinds of influences in my life ---- including in my own family ------- who were not trying to bring the best out of me.

It was a painful, mournful life for a very long time, but things ended up well enough, and I believe this may even be due to how I committed to make the best choices I could and do the best I can.

And to be honest:::: When you have a zillion influences in your life, and they are trying to bring out the worst in you, and your own family isn't very helpful ------- yeah ---- it's really hard -------- but things may have turned out so much worse if I hadn't seriously committed myself to do doing good.



In fact, the morality problems I saw in the people around me were so bad, that's why I tried to commit myself to Jesus' service.



Unfortunately, things started to really fall apart when my Bishop decided my commitment to serving Jesus was actually just a deal with the devil ----- but at least I can say I tried. But yeah ----- something is really wrong, even disturbing when you pray to God and commit to serve Him, and all your bishop does is accuse you of making a deal with the devil.



Well, seeing as how my commitment to serve God was regarded as a deal with the Devil by the Bishop ----- that should clearly illustrate how messed up the church became in my life. Though the church seemed so good in the beginning, it just went so, so wrong.


On a side note, here's a short list of 4 things the church did in my life which didn't make any sense:

1) They constantly told me to forgive EVERYTHING ----- but they never forgave me for anything.

2) They would always teach me to get married ----- but then they'd take away my girlfriend repeatedly.

3) They told me I would witness and perform miracles ------- but shortly afterward they forced me on psychiatric drugs and treated me like a lunatic because I believe in miracles.

4) They tell you all through your childhood to be like Jesus ------ but when it comes down to the brass tax of the fine nitty gritty of the rules ------ you aren't actually allowed to actually be like Jesus.



Anyway ------- So, from a young age, I really wanted to be a good person, I even wanted to seek work in life that involved encouraging morality and ethics.


But things just went so, so wrong.


I do try to be a good person, although this post has some disturbing enough things in my life anything might be found questionable ---------



But yeah, I try to be a good person -------- but trying to determine a proper morality or objective morality can get so mixed up ------ especially when there are so many different people out there with their own personal subjective moralities.



What exactly is objective morality?



In my mind, there are so many different versions of morality and variations on rules that objective morality can perhaps be summed up best this way::::


DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU.



You do good to others so they do good to you.


You forgive others so you yourself can be forgiven.


This is the very basics of it, I guess.




As for the Latter Day Saint Church -------- though what I just mentioned is basically taught at the youngest level of primary, they seem to forget about it later as their morality teachings take a zillion different twists and turns later in life and it becomes very confusing.


All I can say about the Latter Day Saints is that they very well know that Joseph Smith himself prophecied that his name would be known for both good and evil.

That might sum it up best. There are two sides of it, it's a mixed bag of good and bad, sometimes it seems so very good, but in other ways, it seems so very wrong. It's really a mixed bag ---- And the founder of the church realized that this would be true of himself at some point in his own life.



So:::: I try to be a good person.


Following rules of morality can be difficult to navigate, especially when so many different people have their own subjective values of what is right and wrong,


the most objective morality I can think of is this golden rule::::


Just treat others as you want them to treat you, or, the famous "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".


That seems like the very basic form of objective morality.




and the LDS church is really a mixed bag.

Monday, January 14, 2019

The Detail of an Unmentioned Prediction

My breakup with my ballerina girl was a very hurtful affair for me.

But she justified it: she said: "You'll totally find someone else totally better than me!"

I did not mention this in my book. But it's a memory, I believe she said it.

She was justifying her ending her relationship with me by saying someone way better would come along.

Of course, me being totally in love with ballerinagirl ----- I thought the world of her --------- I couldn't accept that I'd actually find someone better than her later in life. I didn't believe her.



Anyway ------- so all the stuff happens, and boom :::::::: I have a belief that God told me to be with Avril Lavigne, who sang about what had just happened in my life.


The ballerinagirl herself said someone better WOULD come along.


So::: Avril came along, basically claiming to be in love with me.


So yeah ----- it's just maybe a little too bad that my own prediction came true too and such was not actually going to happen.



Even though the ballerina girl herself justified her breakup with me by saying that someone totally better would come along --------



When someone totally better did come along, NOBODY --- not the bishop, not the fanclub, not the doctors ------- NOBODY would actually let me have this better person who came along.



People decided they didn't want me to have my replacement.


Ballerinagirl herself basically predicted the coming of Avril Lavigne ------- but everybody else had a complete problem and difficulty with actually letting me actually be with Avril.





I just think it's strange you know.



All my life growing up in the church, we were taught of temple marriage, eternal families, celestial exaltation and becoming a God.


My Patriarchal Blessing told me I'd be sealed to a companion of my choice. This probably, in the 99% likelihood meant that I was supposed to get married ----- especially as that statement was followed by something about me having sons and daughters.


Anyway ----- The church made it VERY CLEAR they wanted me to get married.




But the weird thing is:::::: like, they wanted me to get married -------- BUT WHY ON EARTH DID THEY INSIST ON REPEATEDLY TAKING AWAY MY GIRLFRIEND??????


Ballerinagirl was not allowed. Ballerinagirl predicted a better girl would come along.


A better girl did come along, Avril Lavigne ------ but she wasn't allowed either.


How is it that the church raises me to believe in temple marriage and all that ---- and then won't even let me have a girlfriend?  That is just a really strange issue ---- it's mind-boggling.





Was there any possibility of "propheticness" going on here?


Well, Ballerina girl predicted someone better would come along --- she was right

I predicted such could not actually happen ----- I was more or less right too.




And yeah --- the church seems really confusing when they raise me telling me to get married ---- and then they just repeatedly take away my girlfriend. That's really confusing.



BUT ---- there might be a small little bit of propheticness in the church I'll try to admit::::


Years after these things happened, the prevailing attitude among men, as far as I am aware, is that marriage wasn't worthwhile ------- Guys go MGTOW ----- no more women, no more marriage.



Though the church's decision making was confusing, it was inconsistent, it matched up with a prevailing attitude years later that men should just say away from women.


Of course ----- if it is true that men should stay away from women --------- Then why did my patriarchal blessing even say I would get married?


yeah who knows ----- it's a little confusing.





But anyway ----- fact is::::: The ballerina girl herself predicted that Avril would come along to be with me --------- and God even verified this to me --------------- so it's just very interesting how nobody, not the bishop, not the fanclub, not the doctors, not my own family -------- nobody would actually let me have the person who came along afterward.  Very strange isn't it?


Ballerina girl tried to justify the end of the friendship for me by saying I'd find someone way better ---- she was right, but nobody actually let that happen.



Yeah. Just strange.