Thursday, December 26, 2019

My Christmas

Yesterday was Christmas.

I recently said I now believe in freedom rather than equality ---- Christmas exemplified that perfectly.

My father and I both had half-filled stockings and no gifts.

My mom had two or three gifts and no stocking (and she still hasn't opened them either).

Only my brother had a fully filled stocking and a gift.


But seriously, I told everyone beforehand that this Christmas I wasn't buying gifts ------- I ended up just getting some cheap toys for the kids,

and "a Christmas elf teleported into my bedroom" and gave me a backgammon board game.

Christmas was all it had to be ---- this year I didn't see the point in doing large amounts of splurging.

My main stocking stuffers outside of candy and chips were:

1) Acoustic Guitar Strings

2) A Canadian Folk Music Coin

3) A video from my dead Grandpa's 90th birthday

4) a $25 gift card.

That was my Christmas. Besides the party we had.

But after the party was over, I was thinking, and though nobody wanted to hear it, I tried pointing this out::::

My Patriarchal Blessing from the church told me the missionaries would pronounce blessings to heal the sick.

And though I suffered from a severe illness, I don't remember anyone from the church ever trying to bless me with a healing.

My Dad even gave me a blessing once that said again that my patriarchal blessing would come true -----

and the blessing said the missionaries would heal the sick ------- yet this has never happened.

I'm pretty sure I've managed to get myself back to this level of mental health by essentially blessing or praying myself back to health. No blessings from the missionaries.

All the church ever did was force me on drugs for believing in miracles and tell me not to believe in God anymore --- they did this through psychiatry. They told me to see the psychiatry so it is their own fault I was treated this way.

No blessings to heal me though.

I suppose the condition the patriarch placed on this part of the blessing was this::::

"If you are faithful and keep the Lord's Commandments" then the missionaries will heal the sick.

I really tried believing in the church. It wasn't faithfulness that was my problem.

I guess I wasn't keeping the commandments well enough or something. It's weird how the church couldn't just forgive me for that either.

This is the church that says they forgive everything, yet normal male hormones couldn't just be forgiven it seems.

Masturbation is apparently so offensive to the church that there's no way they could just forgive it and heal the sick.

They're trying to be like Jesus -------- and though Jesus forgave sinners and healed the sick ----- the church wasn't about to do the same I guess.

Anyway ------ I was just thinking about that stuff last night, how the blessing said something, and how the church completely avoided actually doing it.

They gave me a blessing, and they wouldn't allow it to come true. It could have come true I think, but the church ended up making every effort to make sure it didn't come true. Huh.

I guess masturbation is just really, really offensive to them or something.

Thursday, December 19, 2019

Feeling some Schizophrenia again

So::: a few days ago I started feeling well enough and then seeing my brother do poorly enough that I started to believe in freedom rather than equality.

Well, some equalization has come along.

Though I'm still doing better than when my sickness was at its worst many years ago ----

today I learned another new song on the Harmonica, and then I could feel my brain start to - how do I explain this?

As a schizophrenic, part of my problem is that I may be skilled and expert at something, but all of the sudden the information, the knowledge, the talent, will just disappear from my mind, and I'll draw a blank.

today this started to happen with my harmonica music, although it was only mild, especially because I was able to find the tabs again and re-practice myself.

But this is a problem. I learn so much, I think I'm doing so well --

Then wham, my brain starts to basically completely forrget everything I just learned, even though I was basically an expert just moments ago.

So::: I still have some kind of problem.

It felt almost as if there was a mystical force equalizing me with my brother, whose problems are a bit worse than my own.

A pity really. I try to pray for him to get better. anyway --- I don't need to say much about that situation. it is what ti is.

And yeah, I'm actually a little bit bugged that there seemed to be like a mystical force bringing me closer down to his level.

I was doing so well, and wham, I start losing my memories and expertise very quickly.

Can't he be equalized up to my level rather than me down to his? that would be nice.

Monday, December 16, 2019

I Am Joyful

I was thinking about Christmas Gifts for the nieces and nephews this year -

I figured musical instruments were a good idea -

but my parents warned me especially about my two younger nephews, that they're too young and would likely destroy the instruments.

And though I'm no longer planning to buy instruments for the kids, as I was searching for gifts I came across a place that sells HARMONICAS.

I borrowed some money from my Dad, and researched the topic a bit, and bought a diatonic harmonica in the key of C.

I've had the harmonica for only a few days now, but I am having a blast with it.

Making music is so much fun. I highly recommend learning to play an instrument.

So, right now it's 3:04AM and I'm not tired anymore ---- and I want to play but I know I can't.

I do, however, feel so much joy, especially about the music, and I just thought it's nice to share the gift of music, and to encourage people to learn to play because of how awesome it is.

I remember in the past The Avril Lavigne Foundation had a thing for buying musical equipment for disabled kids.

I completely understand why now.

It's magical how music can lift your spirits, even more so if you learn to play yourself.

So now I know some guitar and some harmonica. I'm over the moon with happiness.

The fun of learning new songs ----- and the fun of practising playing the songs ----- and then performing ------- it's all good.

So happy.

Merry Christmas.

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

My New Alignment

So: for better or for worse, I am now, regardless of whether anyone cares or not, announcing my new alignment.


When I was a kid, I was very conservative, basically because I grew up in a Conservative Locale with Parents who were conservative.

I experienced so many problems growing up and all the church would do is require me to forgive, that I became disabled. I couldn't handle life anymore.

I was basically oppressed ------ and that lead me to socialism.

Yeah --- it's weird, I was technically supposed to be some kind of elite conservative (high grades in school and doing my best to do my best at what I'm supposed to do) --------- but conservatism didn't make any sense anymore to me when my own sister is involved in oppressing me and I'm not allowed to do anything about it.

So::::: I became disabled, and I felt that in order to increase my position in life, a rise in position in life would be equality, which meant socialism. (I was basically lower class growing up ----- socialism would only improve my circumstance).

So::::::: What is my new alignment now?

Now that I've largely recovered from schizophrenia, and when I look at my own brother with how ill he is or has been --------- I realize that people aren't actually equal.

He and I are or were both schizophrenic ------ but even he and I, same family, same sex, same disease, even though in so many ways we may be considered similar::::: simple fact is we are not equal.

From my perspective, there's a clear difference between me, having largely recovered, and him, when he's having severe problems.

Equality is a myth.

I still believe in helping the poor. I believe in a certain amount of equalization. But I don't believe in equality. Not anymore.

Socialism serves a purpose:::: to help the oppressed. I'm not really oppressed so much anymore ----- and I've come to realize that equality is just a myth. It's not real. People are different.

So::::: I've decided I believe people are FREE.  As near as I can tell, without having a great deal of knowledge about everything ------ I am now a Liberal. (not a card-carrying Liberal, just a Liberal in my heart).

I believe in freedom.

Are there problems with freedom and Liberalism?

The one big problem is this:::: some people make bad choices with their freedoms.

But that's preferable to me compared to Conservatism.

In Conservatism, the elite decision-makers decide what is right and wrong.

If the Elite Decision-makers make a bad choice ---- that affects everyone poorly.

But in Liberalism, if an individual makes a bad choice ----- it affects fewer people.

I'm just speaking from having a limited understanding of these ideas and what my mind thinks about how I suppose it.

A reason I don't believe in following the leader can be exampled by something at church:::::

The Leader says it is wrong to masturbate.

But I am completely unable to adequately follow that rule.

This did not result in a good situation.

For the simple reason that the elite decision-makers might do something wrong, I am now going with the Liberals.

And I'm just referring to my vague idea in my own mind of what a Liberal would be ---- since I might not know everything.

If a Conservative leader makes a poor decision, it affects everyone poorly.

Socialism may help the oppressed, but realistically equality is a myth.

Liberalism says people are free. People may make bad choices, but it shouldn't be as devastating as if a top leader made a bad choice for everyone else.

And my version of Liberalism is the one where there is some equalization provided ----- Where there is care taken for the poor. I believe in helping the poor.


Conservatism is dangerously dictatorial.

Socialism propagates what is essentially a myth.

And Liberalism lets us more or less choose for ourselves.

There you go.

I'm aligning myself now with some vague sense of Liberalism.

9 Years Later

Today I had an answering machine message.

Someone wanted to talk to me about my book.

I looked up the name on the call display.

It's a digital marketing company that has a specialty for books.

It's nice to see someone validate my humanity -----

but just earlier today I was talking to my brother about why there are no Convenience Store owners in our church -------- everything has to be forgiven, therefore people would just rob the store and the church owner wouldn't be allowed to do anything about it.

It's kind of the same with my book business:::: It's really hard to sell books when 7/10 people don't have money, when piracy is rampant and you've always been told all your life just to forgive everything.

Even if people take interest in my work, I can't sell squat ------ Piracy rules the realm and I've never been issued any permission to do anything about any problems.

And if my brain had any concerns about the church ----- Youtube took care of that ------- I was able to be psychologically validated in the past years with information that helped me have a greater understanding of church problems.

My book, to me, feels like something to be left in the past. It doesn't seem totally important anymore.

It's an interesting yet horrible story, which people found very interesting yet they also hated it. Supposedly.

I just don't see the point of my book at this stage now. It's 9 years later, there hasn't been any success so far,, and I don't see entirely how my book would even be relevant anymore.

It's definitely an interesting story ------ but there have been so many other people talking about similar topics -------- it doesn't seem totally necessary anymore.

It just feels like something to be left in the past right now. Besides, I'm not able to actually sell it.

Anyway::: the above are just a bunch of reasons why I'm not taking interest in hiring a digital marketing firm to market my 9-year-old book.

But it is nice to have my humanity validated by someone who seemingly offered to help.

Monday, December 9, 2019

A New Trend?

Something odd has been happening.

The last 3 or 4 people I've come across who appear to be financially down on their luck or who appear to be homeless::::

They're not begging anymore.

I'm a very willing helper to panhandlers ----- I'll often share -------- and for a long time it was always expected that eventually, someone would come along who needs help ----------

but the last 3-4 people I've come across who appeared to be homeless or doing poorly ---- NONE of them were begging!

In my heart, I immediately realize it would be good to offer help ------- but when they don't ask for help the idea of just giving money away seems very odd at that point.

Anyway ------ just a strange new trend -------- The "homeless" have stopped looking for handouts. Huh.

Also worth noting is that on each of these occasions where I saw these 3-4 people, someone else was already somehow attending to the individual. I don't know what they were doing together, but I didn't feel necessary in any situation.

Saturday, December 7, 2019

Curing the Memories

Yesterday I think it was I was laying in bed, and my mind was just running through all kinds of problems I had as a kid.

And I just came to a realization:::: there were just so many problems in my childhood, that going through a list of everything would take up so much time, and I'd probably start repeating myself, so I might as well just forget those problems and let them be in the past - behind me.

After I told myself that ------ I was able to spend the rest of the day with a clear mind, being able to look at life without a bunch of baggage in my head.

It probably helps that within the past week or two I just said in my mind "I forgive my sister". Just letting it all go.

And the really-really great thing about this is whenever I'm around my sister now, as a grown-up, she's like a completely different person.

She is MUCH MUCH nicer to be around now. These days I can actually accept that she's a member of my family.

Childhood is over. And I should forget about it.

I guess this blog post is basically about how I'm miraculously coming to a point where all kinds of problems from my childhood aren't haunting me all day anymore.

I must've spent over a decade trying to recover from childhood ------ so, yeah, here I am::: Finally in a place where I can rationally tell my mind that there's no end to the list, and it's just a waste of time to go through and remember all the problems.

So, my brain is feeling clearer and free-er now. Yay.

Wednesday, December 4, 2019

First World Problems and another dream

So::: yesterday I thought I was going to publish a story entitled "First World Problems on Giving Tuesday" ----- but I didn't have the time and eventually decided against it.

I'll give the short of it in this post::::

I accidentally paid my cell phone bill twice in one month, so donating anything seemed really difficult. At least I've got my monthly $78 payment to Plan Canada assuage giving anguishes.


Last night I had a dream.

I dreamt I went to a clinic.

Pretty quickly Avril Lavigne was also at the clinic. She was making music while I roller skated around.

For some reason, there were a whole bunch of blind people at the clinic. It didn't make sense because the clinic in my dream was NOT the ophthalmologist. But anyway --- it's a dream.

At the end of the dream, Avril Lavigne just *poof* vanished, right before my eyes --- as I am roller skating past her.

That was the end of the dream.

I guess that's a better dream.

As for the last dream I had with the two dogs who looked angry but didn't actually bite me ------

I have since learned that my sister is moving to a new property where the Landlord owns two dogs that run around.

Maybe that's what it was ---- something about two dogs with the Landlord or something. Yeah.

So yeah ---- last night's dream was pretty cool -------- Roller Skating with Avril Lavigne at a public health clinic. Yeah. :)

Friday, November 29, 2019

Another Dream Last Night

So, a few days ago I mentioned a dream I had where I started floating into the sky where I was with Jesus, and then things started happening which are probably too graphic for this blog.

Last night I had another dream.

When I looked up the nature of this dream in a dream interpreter program I got from the App Store --- technically it's about something that's not so good.

There was something in my dream going on before the scene I'm about the mention ---- but I can't remember what it was -------

I just remember being rushed at by two angry dogs.

According to the dream interpretation journal, this is a very bad sign.

If there's any good news, it's this:::: the two angry dogs didn't even bite me.

I wrestled the first one between my legs so it couldn't attack ----- and the second dog attacked the first dog.

SO:::: I was being rushed at by two angry dogs in my dream ------ but neither of them actually bit me.

Is this good or bad?

It, however, might indicate some kind of difficult circumstance, maybe danger.

I just pray to God for good fortune.

And I feel it's too bad that I'm having dreams like this. I know they are days apart from each other ----- but seeing what I'm seeing in my two dreams thus far tells me something is wrong.

A good piece of news is I am well aware God loves me, he has blessed me greatly. That's a comfort.

Anyway ---- is it at all important to report disturbing dreams on this blog? Maybe, maybe not.

But I have these dreams and I don't like them ----- so I'm mentioning it as something I appear to be going through now.

NOTE:::::: I will mention that it's also very odd that I am having these dreams indicating some kind of misfortune, because over time my life has just been getting better and better. Very strange.

Sunday, November 24, 2019

Confused by Sheet Music Copyright


I did a search online to find out what the original Key of the Original and therefore Public Domain version of Good King Wenceslas was.

I found a website with Good King Wenceslas sheet music.

The website had the music in the key of G.

And it was copyrighted to some guy.

And then I noticed they had the music for the song in a bunch of other keys too ----- and I checked one --- copyrighted to the same guy.

So I looked at the book where I originally learned the song ---- in the key of G, copyrighted to a different company.

and then I looked online at an online sheet music shop where I've started buying sheet music:::: copyrighted to yet another different company.

OK ------ so we've got three different claimants all with their versions of the sheet music of Good King Wenceslas in G.

Three copyright claims, three pieces of sheet music. Same song.

Yeah --- I'm kind of confused here.

What is copyrighted and what isn't? Is playing Good King Wenceslas in G completely Public Domain in its entirety?

Is it just the version of the sheet music that's copyrighted?

I'm kind of confused.

I'm going to have to get some money to go to this one website that specifically sells Public Domain sheet music to find out what's OK and what's not.

But when everyone has their own copyright to essentially the same thing I'm getting really confused.

I guess the public domain sheet music store will be able to help ---- once I finally have funds available to buy the public domain sheet music.

We'll see. Things are just kind of really confusing here.

If I can get public domain sheet music to tell me what key I can play a song in ----- then it should be good for LBRY.

But I'm wondering if Good King Wenceslas in the key of G IS public domain, but three different groups all have copyrights on their own little pieces of paper depicting it. Who knows.

Just really confusing stuff when three different people claim copyright of essentially the same thing which would be public domain. Something like that.

My final note:::::

The book of music that I originally learned Good King Wenceslas in G from::::

It has guitar tablature for the song.

But in my opinion, they tablature for the song is really confusing and ultimately useless.

I basically took the notes of the music as given on the sheet music and invented my own way of playing the same notes, but in a different way than the tab.

My personal version of the tablature makes more sense.

The tablature given in the book of music was confusing and basically useless.

But yeah, anyway.

My Dream Last Night

I had a dream last night.

First time I think I've ever had a dream like this.

The dream starts basically with scenes of face-painting, it was like we were live-action-role-playing or something like that --------

and I was moving to grab a guitar -------

when I started to float. I began levitating higher and higher into the sky.

And I had this idea that I was with Jesus up there.

And, the dream turns very, very dark.

So bad in fact I don't think I can say what happens here.

Just intense graphic scenes of nastiness is all I'll say.

and I woke up.

I rolled over, tried to get more sleep.

I was thinking about how I might try playing Good King Wenceslas in the key of B ----- starting the song with a B and playing it like it's shown on the old music on Wikipedia --------

and as I was laying in bed, thinking about this, trying to go to sleep -------- I heard a voice in my bedroom say my name.

I acted like I didn't hear it ------ for surely I was hallucinating at that point.


I just thought I'd report my dream last night.

I've heard other people on Youtube report dreams of being taken up into the sky to be with Jesus ---- now I've had a similar type dream too.

and this is all the more interesting to post since I heard a hallucination say my name as I was going back to sleep.


Tuesday, November 19, 2019

Preparing for Christmas


I was originally planning on playing some Public Domain Christmas music on LBRY for the Christmas season -------- but I'm realizing it might be a challenge to sort which arrangements of music are the original and public domain versions versus which ones are newly copyrighted transpositions ------ so I might have to not go ahead with that plan.

So::: I wrote my own Christmas poem, and tried putting it to music, and recording it.

Some parts of the song seem musical. But it also seems kind of like a very monotone chant kind of.

I've got work to do.

Even though, when played quickly, certain notes sound good ---- when you are playing them as slowly as I've been doing it doesn't sound right.

So:::: Played quickly, the tune might sound good. Played slowly, it sounds boring.

Maybe I shouldn't even try singing. I don' t know.

I'm just feeling like I'm lost about this music. To be legible in vocals it needs to be slow --- but then it sounds bad ------ for the music to sound like music it has to be faster.

I'm obviously not the best yet. Yeah, no.

UPDATE::::: November 21st 2019::::::

So, I did some research.

Two of the three Christmas Songs I learned are in the original key, as I've understood.

That means two of my three Christmas Songs are Public Domain. I'm pretty sure.

And I think that means I'll be able to play them.

The one I won't play, not yet at least, is Good King Wenceslas.

The version I know starts with a key of G.

The original starts with a key of F.

Because of this, I believe I risk infringing copyright if I play the G Wenceslas song.

But I can play two other songs well enough::: I found out what I learned matches the original publications, so I think I'm good there.

UPDATE:::: November 22nd 2019:::::

I was looking at Wikipedia for early manuscripts of Good King Wenceslas Sheet music.

It appears the tune appeared a long time ago with the first note being "B". So I guess that's not copyrighted anymore.

And if the first note of G is copyrighted ----- I wonder who holds the copyright, if anyone.

But two of the manuscripts of the song on Wikipedia have the player playing 4 notes at the same time, which is not what I'm going for on my guitar ------ so I guess I just have to assume what I learned might be copyrighted and I shouldn't play it.

But if I learn it in a key of B --- with the first note being a B ------ that version of the tune is absolutely ancient.

But considering how in my original research I thought I was a note of F where it started, and then I look it up on Wikipedia and a very old manuscript appears with B -------

I suppose I might have to do further research to find out if my two other Christmas Songs really are public domain or not.

Friday, November 15, 2019

Attention Seeking

Well, I've had a certain amount of success on LBRY ------ and now I'm turning into a bit of an attention seeker on the platform.

I realize some of my videos have gone through "their runs" and probably aren't so interesting anymore ------

and I realize that many people might not be in the mood to afford all my games -------

But after getting as much attention as I did get for a good while, well, it's like that phenomenon where you get a lot of likes on Facebook and then start wondering why people stopped liking.

Yeah ---- it's easy to feel loved when the tips are flowing, and it seems almost like a natural response to wonder why people "don't like me anymore" after the tips slow down.

It might just be a financial issue, I'm sure most people are kind and friendly ----- and that maybe I'm just not so interesting anymore.

But considering the history of my life -------- yeah -------- just like life is a mess for so many people my life was a bit of a mess too -------- so what are the implications of that?

But I guess financial difficulties may also be part of the issue------ not everyone has a bunch of video gmess they can sell on the platform like I can.

But yeah ---- getting good attention and then getting doldrums is causing me to, perhaps "irrationally", seek more attention.

I use the word irrationally because my mind just feels like its looking for that high again.

Maybe I just shouldn't worry about it.

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

The Bananatree Brothers: Eat Carrots is now available again

I only just now realized that I should make a blog post on this topic.

Last night I re-released The Bananatree Brothers: Eat Carrots.

It's Freeware.

It's on LBRY (go to to download the client).

It's on the @KrisAttfieldGAMES channel.

It requires two players both with a gamepad each, no keyboard or mouse.

It's for Mac Windows and Linux.

It's a pretty fun game.

Zero cost. But feel free to leave a tip.

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Forgiving versus Condoning

So, I did a little bit of research.

A search online and a look at a dictionary reveal that Forgiveness IS SYNONYMOUS with condoning.

But a search asking if forgiveness is the same as condoning reveals multiple results that say Forgiveness IS NOT condoning.

I've been so confused about this topic for so long.

So:::: the two terms ARE synonymous but they mean different things or something and can't be looked at as the same things?

I just looked up the definition of "synonymous".

That word means that two words have the same meaning in the same language.

So::::: dictionaries/thesauruses say that forgiveness and condoning are synonymous, essentially that they have the same meaning,

while supposed experts who write articles on the subject say they are two different things?

I am kind of confused about this.

To me, it seems like there's a faction of humans who want to say forgiveness is purely an emotional state where an offender will still have to suffer punishment anyway, which is not what I understood from looking at the Bible.

Even if God forgives you, you will still go to hell anyway huh?

Does that make ANY SENSE at all??? No!

Anyway.  It's just really confusing.

The two words are considered synonymous, yet also considered to be two different things ---- which makes zero sense.

Monday, November 11, 2019

What is the trouble?


I watched a youtube video this morning about Crimes with Paranormal backstories.

I realize the story of my life is something like that ---- though not exactly the same.

The worst I actually did was be too horny ----- just like any man.

It was GOD who did all the worst stuff I perceived happened.

And because I'm schizophrenic I can't even know if my perceptions are actually real.

The whole thing is pretty insane.

I, myself, have almost always tried to be a good boy, deliberately. Doing what I think or what I'm supposed to understand is right.

I was educated in the church and educated with the rest of society. Those two moral systems can clash in a number of ways.

I often tried to do what I understood to be right ------ and to me, it seemed like so many people around me weren't even going to try to be good people, especially as children.

A good thing I took from Church teachings when I was a kid was to essentially attempt to be perfect ever since baptism. I was trying so hard. And yes ---- everything gets all messed up in this way and that ------- especially when you find out the church isn't quite right,

But I will say that I was usually trying so hard to understand morality and do the right thing.

When I saw bad behaviour in people around me, that only encouraged me to want to propagate morality.

And yeah ----- in the end it all gets messed up.

All the philosophy and behaviour going around made me have "The coherence of a mental patient".

So yeah ------- my life is a big mess, I was trying to be a good and moral person,

especially as the church encouraged me to follow that path ---- but the church itself became questionable.

If it's a crime to be horny, then that's the biggest crime I've probably physically committed.

God did all the worst stuff unless my perceptions of reality are whacko.

and yeah, I think I did get haunted ------- sometimes I wonder about lights I notice, while in my early 20s I would have sex with ghosts. Yeah.

Nothing makes sense about this to anyone I'm sure.

A church that taught the miraculous reality that sent me to doctors who don't believe in miracles.
(I should point out that the D&C actually says you shouldn't do that).

Nothing made sense.

I try to do the right thing with my life and efforts. Sometimes situations in life just aren't very good or don't make any sense. Yeah.

Of course, Linkin Park says "I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter" ---- so who knows.

Saturday, November 2, 2019

I've learned what the GAIN knob does

So:: I've had my electric guitar and its amp for a number of months now,

and I was able to figure out early on that gain "controlled the volume" on the OverDrive --------

But there is also a regular Volume knob on the amp ---------

And the other evening I watched a Youtube video that highlighted a guitarist's ignorance about the actual function of gain, the person in the video supposing it's a volume knob.

So::: I asked a search engine what the Gain knob does.

The search engine took me to Fender who explained it's a control for the level of distortion.

So, excited, I headed to my bedroom and set volume really low, but set the gain to really high ----

and I played ---- Yay!!!

Well, it was just exciting to hear something like that come out.

For a long time, I thought I would actually have to buy a pedal to get such sound --- but now I don't have to. The power of education.

The Second Time this has happened now

In a previous post from a few months ago, I told a story ----

The same kind of story happened again last night.

Last night I was laying in bed, trying to go to sleep ---- but I felt, well, horny. I just had this annoying feeling down there that was telling me to have sex.

I'm actually pretty annoyed with that requirement of my physiology. I am getting so tired of those feelings.

I asked the question in my mind: "Why does God make me feel this way?"

Shortly after asking that question in my mind, the feeling disappeared. No more horny. Still no such feeling after a night of sleep.

On the occasion from a few months ago the thought I thought was "There's a ghost molesting me" --- shortly after which the feeling disappeared.

But yeah ----- it appears, in my experience, that if you think a thought or telepathically think a thought accusing a Ghost or God of sexually molesting you, twice now the horny feelings disappear shortly after you think the thought.

But seriously:::: those feelings have been such a problem for me ever since my grandmother died ------ and I'm just getting really, really tired of them.

So it's interesting how simply thinking such thoughts makes the feelings go away.


I suppose I could mention, in other news, that in the past few weeks I've learned quite a bit more music on guitar.

I know enough music now that I can't even remember all the titles I know all at once I think. Yay.

Saturday, October 26, 2019

What is my goal?

Well, I've been on LBRY for just a few months now and I'm already commonly highly placed on Trending.

In just a few months, with very limited exposure to people, I've made about $23CAD of cryptocurrency from the platform.

That is a sign of hopefully continuing economic success from these efforts.

But what is it all for? Why am I doing it?

In the beginning of this whole adventure of me trying to do something with my life:::: my idea was that I was going to work for Jesus, from a Mormon/LDS way.

But back then my knowledge of the Mormon/LDS ways was heavily limited, especially because I've never been to the temple or got my endowment.

I basically set out to serve Mormon Jesus -------- and learned as I went along, and found some things to be very messed up.

So:::: I've done what I've done, I've had all this experience, I'm suddenly having some kind of success --------

but now I'm wondering ---- What is it all for?

My end goal is not the same now as when I started out.

I started out planning to do certain things with my life:::: but as I found more information, my plans have to change ------

And I just have to figure out exactly what it is I'm going for with my new found success.

$23 isn't much, but it's the biggest gains I've made for a long time. I'm highly placed on trending.

I could do something with this status ------ it should be something good, or useful, at least entertaining.

It's just weird how I started this whole "business" with serving Mormon Jesus in mind only to figure out that this is not how I should be.

What should my end goal be?

Maybe I just have to just hope to entertain people. Maybe I need to set my end goal at a humbler level than before.

To entertain people with guitar and video games? To try to teach people something useful with these medias? Hmmmm.

I need to figure out a worthwhile end goal. My former end goal is not suitable anymore.

I mean::: I should be doing something with my life, it would be a great waste to do nothing.

But it's a good idea to have something to work towards. yeah.


I was just thinking about things that are good that I might try to teach people in LBRY videos.

And I realized something relevant to this post that I should make an update about.

Mormonism is actually full of wisdom.

Mormonism actually teaches many good things.

There are things about the church or the history of the church which are pretty much very wrong,

But when I think about wise things I might impart to others in videos,

I have a realization that many of these good ideas were also taught in the Mormon church.

Mormonism became so wrong somehow --------- but so many good ideas were expressed in that group.

Weird stuff.

Here's a runthrough of some of the good things Mormons taught::

1) Give. Do service. This is good stuff.

2) Don't have sex. I know a lot of people completely miss the point of this one::: but it's a good point::: just don't have sex.

3) The world we live in cannot be expected to be perfect. Basically, the Mormons believe we live in a telestial world, or a very low level world ----- so don't expect people to be on their best behavior.

4) Despite how the world around us is so wrong, it's up to YOU to be perfect/do your best. Let your light shine.

I mean::::: in so many ways the church just becomes so wrong,

but there are things they taught which were really, really good to know.

So:::: it's hard for me to tell if I should distance myself from Mormon Jesus or go back to Mormon Jesus.

The church is really a mised bag. There's the good and the bad.

Sometimes the bad is very noticeable -------

but when I think about all these wise things I know ------- the Mormon church already beat me to the punch, so to speak.

Who knows.

Tuesday, October 22, 2019

I've re-published Coconuts versus Bananas

I've re-published my old Forge TV title "Coconuts versus Bananas: The Invasion of Carl CocoPalm".

It's on LBRY.

The channel is at KrisAttfieldGAMES.

You can download the LBRY client at

It costs 40 cents USD worth of LBRY Credits to pay for the download.

It requires exactly 4 players to be played who must each have a gamepad. No keyboard or mouse controls.

It works on macOS, Linux and Windows.

I think I've said everything I have to.

Go have some fun!!

(Oh --- I playtested the game with a friend and family --- it was great fun --- much better on Mac than on Forge TV).

Friday, October 18, 2019

Reducing Reusing and Redeciding

Well, with my Dad's help I was able to upgrade my old Linux Laptop with a new SSD -----

that breathes new life into this laptop,

so I'll be reusing it for longer, and reducing the number of computers I plan on purchasing over time.

And we can buy an external enclosure and reuse the hard drive taken out of the laptop as well.

But despite reducing clutter and junk -----

I have been having second thoughts about voting for the Green Party. Maybe I won't.

But I don't need to convince anyone of anything.

Part of my problem is I might not be fully intellectually-capable.

My intellectual abilities have been improving over the years ------

But with how smart I was in grade 12 and university it's clear I've had my problems.

But want to know what really boggles me?

Me --- with the problems I've had ------- why on earth did the church think it was a good idea to tell me to go to university even though my patriarchal blessing didn't say so and my brain wasn't in the mood?

It's just kind of strange that there was so much emphasis on University after high school ----- but my functioning as very-very low at that point so I don't understand why my intellect with limited ability at that time was being told to study at higher education.

It didn't make sense.

If the church knew I wasn't mentally-well, why would they send me to something I'm going to fail at, while taking away Avril Lavigne who was helping with my psychological issues?

Something was wrong with that.

But I digress ----- my brain isn't always fully functional, therefore it's not on me to convince anyone of anything political.

Saturday, October 12, 2019

Someone Else Handing out my Phone Number?

Well --- I guess I can't even be certain that the phone calls I receive are even for me.

Twice now I've received a call from a specific clinic ---- and both times the call wasn't for me. It has nothing to do with me, and yet they phone my number about someone else's business.

And I don't really feel like responding to their messages to tell them they got the wrong guy. They should realize they have the wrong guy when they listen to my voicemail message.

So who knows.


Ever since I was young, I was so very interested in computers especially with all the fun I could have with them for gaming.

I'd often be dreaming about some kind of expensive new mac.

And when I finally got the expensive new mac, I would then wonder what it's like to run a low end computer with a different operating system.

Just a real keen interest of mine.

And it's an expensive interest that I've luckily managed to largely avoid at this point in my life, now that I've had my fill of both the high end and the low end.

But the same thing is happening to me with Guitars.

Guitars take up space, and they cost money.

I already have three guitars, and that should be all I need.

But I am intrigued by a guitar marketed on Youtube called the LAVA ME 2 which costs about 900 dollars ------

As well as I'm also interested in, just for fun, the super cheap Epiphone Les Paul at a string of local guitar shops.

I could actually buy that Les Paul in a couple weeks ----- except where would I put it ---- and why would I need to considering I already have 3 guitars? I can only play one guitar at a time.

As well as I might need the money for medical treatment soon enough.

So, I'm just saying it's interesting how my keen interest in computers made my eyes wander --- both to the high end and low end --------

and now a similar thing is happening with guitars.

I wonder if it's the same kind of thing for why people Linux Distro Hop. Maybe.

Thursday, October 10, 2019

New Amplifier

I've bought a new Amp.

It's a brand-name amp.

I like it because it's portable and battery-powered.

I plan on using it with my electric guitar at a family event that's coming soon.

It has built-in Overdrive and Delay. And some other feature I haven't looked at yet.

I turned on the OD ---- I set the delay ------


I guess the major distinguishing feature of this amp that my first amp didn't have was the delay.

The delay makes it sound awesome.

Anyway. yeah. I have good settings on my guitar, and the amp sounds awesome.

I wouldn't want to tell what kind of amp it is because I'm in a habit of not identifying individuals publicly, as well as who knows if the people who made the amp will like me or dislike me (because my life is so very effed up and people could take any position).

Though I don't believe forgiveness should always be the default stance for every problem, having grown up how I did I may have to rely on the forgiveness and understanding of people who realize that I was being indoctrinated. Enough said about that.

But, because it's kind of relevant to Avril Lavigne, I'll say this:

You will always be my Blackstar Fly 3. Yeah. I love it.

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

I've Re-Published The Eagle's Sore Ebook


for a long time now I took all my ebooks off of publishing services. No ebooks available for a long time.

But, this evening, in lieu of having Coconuts versus Bananas properly playtested and ready to go -----

I've decided to publish my novella "The Eagle's Sore" on LBRY.

It's at KrisAttfield --- the channel at KrisAttfield.

It costs 9USD worth of LBRY credits. I saw no point in keeping the price down to the pennies on this product.

As for The Book of Finch and Letters to Whomever ---- I'm thinking I'll let those two books drift into the mists of the past.

No point in digging up old quarrels.

The Book of Finch and Letters to Whomever had a purpose ----- but those life stories are so awful there's just no point in resurrecting them. I don't think so at least. The already published books did their jobs I think. Although I didn't really get paid much.

And as a note:::: Today I was diagnosed with another disease. It's possible I might have to spend money to get full treatment. (maybe $450CAD --- maybe) ------ so that's why I need to sell products and make money ----- so I can afford things like this.

Of course, the original dream was to make money so I could buy a house and have a family and all that ---- is that too much to ask for?

LBRY seems pretty decent ------ at least I make some money on that platform ----- which is more than I can say for anything else I've tried so far.

Problem with LBRY Credits is they seem to be devaluing pretty quickly. If LBRY credits were still worth 0.016CAD ---- then my current balance would be about 23 dollars worth. But the price of LBC had dropped to about 0.011CAD ------ which means my credits are only worth around 16 dollars or so.

Making The Eagle's Sore worth 9USD might give people a reason to buy LBC rather than just sell them. Yeah.

Monday, October 7, 2019

Something Really Weird just happened.

I checked my budget in Numbers on my iPhone.

I had $183.57 available according to the spreadsheet.

I then went to my banking app to make sure that number was correct.

The banking app said my balance was $180.57 (3 dollars had been automatically put in savings).

So, I logged out of banking --- and went to reopen numbers to manually update my budget.

Something weird happened.

Usually, my numbers spreadsheet is zoomed in so I can see the numbers close-up and easily edit them.

But in a flash, the spreadsheet was zoomed out.

This isn't the weird part.

I made the finger gesture to zoom-in.

And I saw that the number on my budget that Iw as going to manually change had been automatically changed to the right number.

Either the phone is learning and knows exactly what goes where ----- or there was some magic ----- or I manually changed it, blanked out and completely forgot what I just did without realizing I already did what I wanted to do.

Weirdest thing.

My iOS recently updated to the new version ----- is this a feature of the new OS?

Either it's a kind of scary technological advancement ------- or it was some miracle where I just willed the data to change without having to press anything -------- or I made the change myself, completely blanked out and forgot what I just did ------ which is pretty weird.

Yeah ------ I've noticed some other weird stuff like this too.

Like, ever since I lost my friendship with the ballerina girl ------- she did keep in contact for a while afterward, intermittently --------

and sometimes I think I remember what she said ------ but then I'll go look up her email, and find that the email is not how I remembered it ------- as if the email changed on the storage system or I'm having memory problems.

I'm not sure I should go into detail about what happened the last time I thought I remembered I knew what she said, I looked it up in the records, and found something a bit different ---- it's just a very strange thing.

In one email she gives me one set of inaccurate ideas --------- and then years later when I check the email again, she says she can't remember exactly and the story of the email is changed from how I remember it used to be.

It's like of like how I was reading "The Miracle of Forgiveness" by Spencer W Kimball, I came across some things in the book I definitely remembered ------

and when I looked back in the same book years later, the writing had completely changed and the message had changed as if someone had switched out my original copy with a different edition that said different stuff.

it's the weirdest thing.

To recap:

1) Some data automagically changed in my spreadsheet. I've never seen this happen before.
2) Emails from an old friend seemed to have magically changed over the years so as they are now are not how I remember what she originally said.
3) A book I read seemed to magically change as if someone switched out my copy with a different edition with a different message (but the same cover of the book was used).

Just really weird stuff.

Something is just really weird when the number in your spreadsheet automagically changed to the correct number all by itself without me having to do manual data entry.

Really --- really ----- weird.

Saturday, October 5, 2019

Big Stuff

So --- yesterday was a big day, kind of.

I decided I would beautify my bedroom a bit by rearranging and cleaning up.

I found an old shoebox from my childhood just sitting there --- it had been sitting there for ages and no one ever bothered with it.

I looked inside.

I found treasure!!!

The shoebox was mostly empty, but the bottom fifth or fourth of the volume of the box was littered with coins.

There were all these loonies from the early 1990's that were still pretty shiny sitting in there.

The youngest coin I think I found in the box was a toonie from 1996. It was still kind of shiny.

So, I was excited about my little bit of archaeology.

All the loonies and toonie together was worth $36.

In 1996 $36 would have been worth about $55 in today's money.

Maybe that's why I always felt so poor when I was young ---- rather than spend, I saved my money in a shoebox and completely forgot about it.

I decided I would add the money to this month's budget.

I spent two dollars on a lottery ticket. I lost.

I spent twenty dollars on a book. That was actually pretty good deal ------ with the deal I got on the book, it's like the inflation didn't exist. So I'm pretty happy about that.

OK --- a minor detail ----- my Mom bought the book, and I repaid with 20 loonies.


Something else happened yesterday.

My last post said my Mom apologized for something that happened when I was 16.

She said she's had issues with this kind of behaviour, although she didn't remember the specific incident I had brought up.

Well, something spiritual happened.

Maybe you could call it a mental health issue, but with my brother involved and hearing what he had to say ------ it could easily be spiritual at this point.

Basically, like two days after apologizing for a certain kind of behaviour-------

yesterday it, mildly, happened again.

And this time some spirit, or a mental health issue, took revenge.

That should be all I'm willing to say seeing as how this is a family thing, and maybe I shouldn't blab too much --------

But regarding the factors involved --------- my Mom just apologized for certain things a couple days ago, and then yesterday that kind of thing popped up again, and in a snap, it's like some ghost is taking issue with her over it.

Or maybe the treasure was cursed. Who knows.

Just weird stuff. That could easily fall in the mental health category. But seems like it might be spiritual.

Wednesday, October 2, 2019

My Mom Apologized

This is such a big thing to happen that I feel I might as well mention it on my blog ---- just to make sure it's recorded that it happened.

My brother told me that when I have a problem with someone, I should contact them directly about it, preferably in writing.

So::::: I had a long-standing issue from an incident with my mother from when I was 16 which I did not record in The Book of Finch.

Today I wrote down the issue and how it affected me.

I gave it to my Mom.

She read it.

Then she sat us all down in the living room and basically gave her apology and admitted that such behaviour is a shortcoming of hers. --- although she said she didn't remember the specific incident in question.

So:::: she's apologized. I accept that, and we hope we can move forward with our lives.

I'm just recording this on my blog as a reminder to myself that I did write to her about that incident and she did apologize for it.

Monday, September 30, 2019

Guess Who I thought I saw today?

Well, after writing that last post about needing professional help and the bad memories I suffer from ----

I went to a hospital.

I got my picture taken at the hospital. (diagnostic imaging).

The whole thing more or less went well enough ---------

But as I was walking out of the diagnostic imaging center ----- I saw someone.

Seated right there, in the waiting room,

looked just like Avril Lavigne's Ex-Husband Chad Kroeger.

I've been at a different hospital numerous times before and thought I saw Avril Lavigne herself on those visits -------

but this time the guy sitting in the waiting room looked like her ex-husband.

Yes ----- that brought a smile to my face.

On the way home my Dad called my Mom's cell ---- and I picked up.

I told my Dad who I thought I saw.

My Dad asked if I went to ask him who he was.

My Dad is more extroverted than me, so it's more natural for him to be more conversational ------

I'm introverted, so I'm just happy to see the likeness but have no drive to actually talk to anyone.

Even when I for sure met Avril in person at one of her concerts ------- I didn't even talk to her, I just grunted and walked out of the room.

Anyway. yeah.

Today I thought I saw Chad Kroeger at the hospital. It looked just like him. Yeah.

As for the medical condition we're having inspected:::::

I have my suspicions that I'll be OK.  The symptoms have not persisted.

Needing Professional Help

I do see a psychiatrist. It has helped.

It's clear now why I need and needed professional help:::::

Even just living with memories of my childhood is hard.

It's just difficult psychologically, in my mind, to remember some of the things that happened. It's not pleasant simply having memories.

Here's two memories from in my own home::::::

1) When I was about 13 years old, I think I was 13, my sisters were in their bedroom screaming. I wanted them to be quiet. I told them multiple times to be quiet. They never listened.

They just wouldn't listen or respond to my simple little request for them to be quiet.

In the end my parents told me to stop asking ------ and they just continued.

This experience has haunted my mind for a very long time now. In later years the pain is wearing off a bit ------- but just having this experience, and then remembering this experience, has never helped my brain.

2) When I was in my last month as a 16 year old ---- just a couple weeks or so before turning 17 ------- My sisters and their friends decided they wanted to deliberately drive me crazy.

I had always been told to forgive my whole life. I wasn't allowed to do a thing about it.

They yelled all this nonsense as though it were a magical spell meant to drive me mad.

I saw the situation as so disrespectful that shortly after I DID actually go mad. And years later the memory haunts me about their behaviour and lack of respect.

There are other things that went wrong in my childhood as well -------

But these are two experiences that I clearly remember which haunt me to this day -------- it's difficult living with the fact that my sisters were so disrespectful growing up.

Yeah ---- I think I am needing the professional help I get -------- just living with these memories alone is hard enough.

So much went wrong. It's like people weren't even trying to be good people.

Thursday, September 26, 2019

Talked to my Mom

So, this morning, without my Dad around, I tried explaining to my Mom how The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints' definition of forgiveness is different from the rest of the world's definition of forgiveness.

I tried explaining that most of the world believe forgiveness refers to the removal of punishment for an offence.

I tried explaining that the non-Standard church's definition of forgiveness refers to not feeling grudges or resentment ---- but that punishment will still happen anyway.

She then explained to me that when we repent, Jesus will forgive us, which means we will essentially mean we will not be punished for our sin.

I tried explaining to her that she's still operating under normal Christianity with those ideas ---- and then I gave two examples of when I did something wrong, repented, and still got punished by the church anyway ----- they were required to forgive me, but they still punished me at the same time.

She doesn't seem to understand what I'm trying to tell her.

Anyway ------- so all these years my Mom has been going to the Church and the Temple ---- she's been under a completely false impression of what the doctrine is.

She realized how screwed up I am about this stuff --------- but her impression of what the church's doctrine is doesn't quite match reality and she's been doing all this church stuff for YEARS (like, 34 or 35 years now) without the slightest idea of what the Church actually means with what they say.

The Church's definition of Forgiveness is different than the way that most of the world defines Forgiveness.

My Mom still hasn't come to this realization, after 34 years, and it's not enough for me to just tell her and give examples.

She's still operating in a Christian Mindset ------ she still hasn't figured out exactly what her own Church was trying to teach.

Anyway. Yeah.

The reason it was important to mention that my Dad was not around as I tried to tell her this stuff is this:::::

My Dad can't seem to handle ANY TALKING AT ALL.

As soon as I start trying to explain the differences between Christianity and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 99% of the time he will automatically try to shut down my discussion or go off in a different direction with what I was just saying.

I'm just saying it's very difficult to say anything at all with my Dad around.

And though my Dad wasn't around, the meaning of what I said still didn't get through to my Mom.

She's had the wrong idea for pretty much as long as I've been alive.

There are definitely confusions about the differences between Christianity and what the Church teach and believe ------ and I had to put up with that confusion all m life.

Sunday, September 22, 2019

Can't sleep

It's 3AM right now and I'm not very sleepy, so I'll write a post about computing.

I installed Ubuntu 18.04 on my 1.4ghz Mac Mini.

LBRY plays videos flawlessly on that system.

While LBRY is stop-and-go on the 1.6ghz NUC with the same operating system.

It might be because the 1.4ghz mac hyperthreads while the NUC doesn't, or maybe it's that the mac has more and better cache than the NUC.

Whatever it is, the slower 1.4ghz machine runs LBRY better than the 1.6ghz machine.

Interesting eh?


So for a good while, anything that got good support on LBRY from me would get sales and tips ----- people seemed to just love me.

But with my recent publish of The Bananatree Brothers nobody's nibbled ---- not even the game trailer got any views.

Maybe it's because I priced it at 50 cents.  It's priced at 40 cents now.

Or maybe there's less than 4.4mllion CAD worth of LBRY Credits in existence and the Credits are scarce for most people. I can understand that.

Or maybe it's just that most people don't have two controllers or two people willing to play. That might be it too.

Whatever it is, I guess I can take a slight break as I myself get two more controllers for playing Coconuts versus Bananas (a 4 player game). If the two player game won't sell, it's even less likely that the 4 player game will sell. No need to rush.

But thanks everyone for all your support on my previous projects ------ it just made me so happy to see people take such interest in my work!

Not sure what else to talk about. I was just thinking about how I need to make my money in order to buy things I would like to have.

Who knows:::: maybe there's some spiritual aspect to me selling lots before and now I'm not selling anything.

For the while I was selling stuff:::: My mom was away on a trip and my Dad was at home.

It's my Dad who really supports my business efforts.

While now my Mom is at home and my Dad is on a trip::::: and my Mom refused to ask God for help making money.

Maybe it's spiritual.

Maybe having the soul of a man who actually wants something same as I do was good for business,

While having the soul of a person around who does not want the same was bad for business.


Saturday, September 21, 2019

My Reasoning This Election

So, being here in Alberta::: Conservatism is a big thing.

But Youtube has been reminding me about what Jesus actually taught.

"Sell all that you have and give to the poor"

"Forsake all".

With those two arguments from Jesus Christ in mind, it only seems most reasonable to me, at least, to support the Green Party this election.

If the climate change science is true::: then the Green Party might be our best bet.

If climate change science is wrong::: it's still a good idea to reduce reliance on non-renewable resources anyway.

As well as the Greens want to finally implement a Guaranteed Minimum Income for all Canadians, which is basically a name for Universal Basic Income -----------

And that is a really, really good idea.

If UBI had existed when I was young, maybe I could have avoided Psychiatry altogether ---- I may have been a more functional person if I had some idea my family had an income back then.

I had many pressures on me when I was 17 years old ----- but a big one was knowing my family was unemployed and I had a zillion things to do ----- without funding.

It was enough to drive me insane.

if we actually had a minimum basic guaranteed income back then, my mind would have had greater peace knowing I was financially taken care of, and my problems would not have been exacerbated by a lack of funding.

I think there's some possibility I might have completely avoided going insane and psychiatry altogether if only my family had an income in those days.

No income::: Everything seems impossible::: I go mad.

With income:::: Everything might've seemed a bit more manageable ::::: I might've kept my sanity.

Anyway::::: This Canadian Federal Election, it's looking like the Green Party are my favourites, so far it seems.

Friday, September 20, 2019

I've re-published The Bananatree Brothers

This morning I published The Bananatree Brothers on LBRY.

The client can be found at LBRY dot com.

The game costs 50 cents worth of LBRY credits to buy.

The game is for two players and requires two gamepads to be played on a single computer.

It is the two-player version of Blaine Bananatree.

For Mac Windows and Linux.

The LBRY channel is at KrisAttfieldGAMES.

Monday, September 16, 2019

How Accurate are my Memories?

So::: I was thinking that I should probably keep my nose out of telling people who to vote for this election.

This is especially true since over the past couple months I've repeatedly changed my mind.

I was just thinking about when I was young, in elementary school, learning about democracy.

I have memories of being very politically interested as a kid, although I was in a sense "brainwashed" by my conservative surroundings.

I have a memory of a provincial election I think I remember happened when I was in elementary school. I'm pretty sure it was a provincial election.

I told my Dad about my Memory, and he says I'm wrong.

But then again ---- I have other memories of things that I'm pretty sure happened, and my Dad has also told me I'm wrong about those memories as well. But ---- my Dad wasn't actually there when those things happened, so how accurate can he possibly be in his opinion?

Anyway ----- My memory of this provincial election is me asking me Dad who he voted for ----- My memory is a sense of disappointment that he did not vote conservative like everyone else.

But ---- today my Dad tells me he never actually voted for the party I thought I remembered he said he voted for.

So::: Either my Dad lied somewhere, or I'm having memory problems.

Interesting though, is that the party I remember he said he voted for (but now he denies this memory) is the same party I'm currently considering today.

I don't know. He's not a 100% accurate guy I know, so either he lied somewhere, or I'm wrong.

Ah --- I also have memories of meeting Jesus and seeing Angels ------- and people have told me I'm wrong about that too --------- So who knows anymore.

Anyway ----- I have a memory which is apparently very sketchy because my Dad denies it now ----- but it's just me somehow getting the impression that he wasn't always a Conservative.

Actually, and I'm pretty sure of this because we had physical evidence of it in the house ---- my Dad did actually run for Member of Legislative Assembly once (MLA) ----- and he did NOT run as a Conservative! And he lost (of course)! I'm pretty sure of this memory because of the evidence in our house I clearly saw time and time again --- but when he did this I don't think I was born yet.

My Dad just reminded me of something ------ he and I both signed nomination papers once for someone we knew who wanted to run for this party which I am considering today and I thought I was once told he once voted for. He and I both remember this incident.

But I have a memory of my Dad telling me something when I was a kid, and he told me I was wrong today.

No idea.

Other memories I'm pretty sure about he's told me I'm wrong about before too -------

And then there's my paranormal memories which also I have been told I was wrong about.


Well, I was so young for the memory in question I guess I could easily have gotten it wrong over all that time. I guess.

But, I do know 100% that though we have been heavily influenced by our conservative surroundings, we haven't been 100% conservative, and I know this about my Dad because he once ran for a party that wasn't the conservative party. Yeah.

And I guess that's all I have to say about politics now, without trying to tell anyone what to think, especially because I myself am trying to make up my mind. But I have ideas.

Friday, September 13, 2019

I've re-released Blaine Bananatree

My old OUYA game Blaine Bananatree is now up on LBRY for Mac, Windows and Linux.

You'll NEED a gamepad connected to your computer to play.

The channel is @KrisAttfieldGAMES.

It costs about 30 cents of LBRY credits to buy.

The LBRY client can be found at

It's exciting to have a good way to be able to publish games again. Yay.

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Maybe I'll Post an update

I said in a past post that I was subsidizing someone else's new equipment so I can get their old equipment for myself to use.

That process is now complete.

My 1.4ghz Mac Mini which I was using as my Unity 4 Dev machine has been replaced by a superior model.

And I have to say, the superior model does run so much better.

I now have my 1.4ghz mini set aside as what I'll call a "testing console". To me, it just makes sense to wipe everything on the hard drive, start from scratch, and just use it for testing.

But with a clean install of the OS, the 1.4ghz mini actually runs pretty well ---- as long, I'm sure, as you aren't doing anything too arduous.

I said in another recent post that I released Air Defence on LBRY and that it has a bug in the mac version and you can't use the keyboard controls.

I'm thinking I might actually release an update.

Upon inspecting a bit more about how LBRY works, I figure it's possible that I can release an update, and that'll make everything so much nicer.

Unfortunately, we'll have to wait about a week --- the only Windows PC in our house belongs to my Mom, and she's away for a while, so I might not be able to test on Windows until she gets back.

I've also done some work on Blaine Bananatree. It's coming along.

Last night I went to sleep thinking very sad thoughts about how no one ever really liked me. I know that's probably not true, but childhood was hard enough and it was just difficult to see an end to tipping.

But then I got another tip. And Air Defence is on the Trending Page. I'm sorted out now. Yay.


I was actually able to test on Windows before my Mom came back --- so last night I released v1.01 of Air Defence on LBRY. Yay!!

The LBRY system is more versatile than I originally imagined it to be.

At first, I thought version control was going to be very difficult ---- but it's actually very easy.


Monday, September 9, 2019

Maybe People Just don't like me

So::: I posted some stuff on LBRY ----- you can earn LBRY credits from sales and tips on that platform ------

I was getting some good tips from some of my videos.

I even sold two copies of Air Defence.

And now all the activity has stopped.

For the past while, there haven't really been tips or sales.

And I think it's just kind of weird how I earned more credits from tips than I did from game sales. That is kind of wind.

Maybe I'm just suffering from that "like like like" dopamine disorder right now.

They say that when people get lots of likes on Facebook that makes them feel good, but when the likes stop they feel depressed.

It's the same for me right now on LBRY. I was getting some pretty good tips for a while. And now that seems to have stopped.

Must be the same kind of thing going on in my brain.

It kind of makes me wonder if people don't like me.

And then I look back on my life and realize, yet again, that even in my own family, my own siblings didn't really like me from early childhood.

No, I just have to think that maybe LBRY credits are in short supply for most people and they just can't pay me.

Or I have to think that they don't have gamepads to play my game with (my game requires a gamepad).

Or maybe they just don't like my preview video. The game might not look interesting enough.

It should be nothing new to me that people don't like me or a dearth of sales ---- that's nothing new ----

But getting all kinds of tips for a little while felt so good

and then it all stopped. And now I'm feeling it. Like that "like like like" Facebook dopamine problem.

I mean, I try to look at my life's story, and see if there's any one spot in my story that might make people dislike me -----------

but that might have nothing to do with it, I realize (with the scarcity of LBC issue), and I also just know that my own siblings didn't really like me from a very young age -------

So people not liking me, in my own thinking, can't entirely be my own fault ---------- it's just that there's a long history of people being jerks to me in my youth and that might just be expectable.

But people not paying me isn't jerkish-ness. It's not

It's just scarcity. People are in debt and poor, and there are a zillion different videos to donate to on LBRY. Rewards are in short supply, especially when compared to my game price.

So, maybe I've already had my success. Maybe LBRY just hasn't grown very big.

There are all kinds of factors why the payments could have stopped -------

the first idea that comes to mind is people don't like me, but then again, people never have,

so it's probably just an economics of scarcity issue.

Is just that "like like like stop" dopamine disorder I guess.

Sunday, September 8, 2019

Slow Machines

I just thought I'd post a commentary about what it's like to use the low-end computing technology.

Right now I'm trying to start Unity 4 on my 1.4ghz mac mini.

It's taking a long time. Very slow. Definitely not a development machine. I have to use my 1.4ghz mac right now in order to do what I'm planning on doing in Unity 4 ------ but if I had a good choice, I'd probably try to use something with more clockspeed.

And then there's my 1.6ghz Intel NUC running Ubuntu.

It's a pretty nice machine, except for running LBRY.

When trying to watch videos on LBRY on the NUC, well, it's I guess what you might call "Choppy". It can't play continuously through the whole video.

What you have to do on the NUC to watch LBRY videos is download the video, and then close LBRY and watch the video in the Totem video player.

Because I'm not super-wealthy, I was attracted to the cheaper hardware.

That hardware is really only good for pretty much browsing, email, spreadsheets and word processing. And simple games.

Something complex like the Unity 4 development or LBRY and the processors just can't handle it very well.

But I guess I'll survive.

Tuesday, September 3, 2019

I've Re-Published Air Defence

Well, with the advent of LBRY I figured I could publish my video games again.

So I published Air Defence for Mac, Windows and Linux.

It's available on LBRY on the @KrisAttfieldGAMES channel.

Be sure to read the README before buying. is the website of the platform.

I've already had one person buy the game:::: and now we're lamenting that I didn't have the foresight to put in full keyboard controls, and that the game requires a gamepad.

Well, my games are ports of OUYA games, and every old OUYA game I publish will require a gamepad -- so that's my excuse.

I recommend the Logitech F310 (I think that's what it's called) --- it can be purchased for about $30. I have two, they're great. Use them a lot when gaming, never had a big problem with them.

Of course, only after publishing the game did it occur to me that I should test the game with my joystick or with other different kinds of configurations.

So far I've found the Linux version is the best.

The Mac version has one small problem, which isn't a big deal, and can be worked around. Kind of. At least now I know for future games that this bug exists.

(and it's a bug with the pre-built Unity 4 software that I don't have much control over).

I don't get to use Windows very much, so I don't know if the same bug exists on Windows --- but the game did work on Windows, so here's hoping.

The best workaround to the small bug I found on Mac can be fixed, if you even want to fix it (because it's not that big of a problem) by switching your Logitech F310 to Xbox mode, installing Xbox 360 controller drivers on your mac, and that does fix the bug.

But it's not a real big bug.

The bug is worst on my joystick on my mac, can be worked around, but works perfectly in Linux.

Oh --- I guess I might as well specify what the Mac bug is::::

The XKey is premapped to Joystick Button 0 in the game.

Changing that mapping in Linux works fine and easy.

In Mac, if you map Joystick Button 0 to Submit and then change XKey to something else, for some reason the computer still thinks the XKey is button 0.

It's not my fault that this bug exists -- it's a preexisting Unity 4 bug I think, but now that I know about it, I'll take that into consideration when releasing future games.

And finally, it comes with the LBRY territory that there's no easy way to update games files. What's done is done. No version control in LBRY. Oh well. Maybe someday I'll learn how to release update patches --- who knows. Oh well.

But, as far as I'm aware, that bug exists only on the mac version ---- so if you do as the Readme says and install it in a Linux Virtual Machine -- the Linux version works a little bit better.

The game is set to cost about 30 cents USD.

Monday, September 2, 2019

Today's Scripture

My scripture of the day today is:

Ecclesiastes 1:18.

"For in much wisdom is much grief: he that increaseth in knowledge increaseth in sorrow."

This is my scripture of the day today because it sums me up pretty well.

I would say that I am a man who knows quite a bit ------ but I look at my life and I find so much of what happened to be entirely regrettable.

Since the day I was baptized::: I was trying to be the best I could be.

But other people evidently weren't trying to be the best they could be --- and there was nothing I could really do to change that.

And it is oh so regrettable, looking back.

I actually feel sorrow enough in my life. I just realize, with my knowledge, how wrong things were --- and I don't enjoy the memories or the feelings they produce.

Is there comfort for me? yes there is actually:::: from time to time I'll feel myself start to feel better, as though the holy ghost is comforting me.

I have enough knowledge and wisdom and life experience that it is actually kind of hard for me to be happy.

BUT::::: seeing Ecclesiastes 1:18 actually brings me comfort as well - because an ancient text understands and realizes what I'm going through ---- this phenomenon was not unknown even in old times.

So - that's my scripture of the day.

I just have so many regrettable things I remember. And I couldn't change much of any of it (because I don't control others).

Sunday, September 1, 2019

Getting Linux to Work Properly

OK - so it was only just yesterday that I thought I would put myself up to a test of not writing on my blog for 2 months to see if I can bring myself to shut it down.

The test already failed.

This morning I was thinking about the original purpose of why I started writing this stuff anyway --- and it might still be relevant, so I figure maybe I should keep my blog up just as a reminder of that stuff.

But then I felt a real urge to write again about this following subject:

I really quite like Ubuntu 18.04.

But, as can be expected with Linux --- it's not absolutely perfect.

My NUC, which I have Ubuntu installed on, has a microphone/headphone port.

Yes --- what I mean is there are certain kinds of headsets that can be plugged into that kind of port, and the one port operates as both microphone input and headphone output at the same time.

The same kind of port works perfectly on my macs.

But my Ubuntu machine -- which has this port -- will ONLY PLAY AUDIO from this port. It will not simultaneously function as an audio input.

It would be nice if this could be fixed. I have no idea how resources are with Linux Devs ---- so maybe it's too much to ask ----- but I just thought I'd post this to create awareness of the problem.

Maybe I could've posted a video on LBRY about this---- but no, it seems more appropriate to make videos about how cool things are when they work rather than to report things that need to be fixed.

A blog post seems more appropriate to point out something that should be fixed.

maybe that's just me though.

Saturday, August 31, 2019

If I can stop for two months

I'm kind of wondering if I should just give up.

To be honest: this blog has been a pretty good way for me to talk about things which helped me avoid sending too much email to people.

But:: do I have anything really worthwhile to share with the world anymore?

When I was young, I saw how badly behaved people were and I wanted to be a force for morality in the world.

But morality is a kind of subjective topic.

And the church got really confusing.

And my family, by my own reckoning, is no great example on how to behave.

Maybe I personally was trying real hard ----- but I can see how my family wasn't ------- and that isn't helpful.

It might just be that I have nothing really useful to add to public conversation anymore.

Simple fact is that I wanted to teach people common sense things like "Don't hypnotize others to do really bad things" ---- it should be obvious that this would be moral law, except so many people I knew when I was young didn't seem to realize it.

BUT ----- there are so many other channels and websites and teachers out there who do a great job of exemplifying morality -------- and I kind of feel unnecessary now.

I kind of wonder if I should give myself a test:::

If I can stop posting on my blog, and stop feeling like I should post on my blog, for two whole months ----- 

maybe then I can just back up my files and "shutdown" this website.

If I feel no great need to say anything anymore for two months::: then maybe it's time to stop.

OUYA was fun ------ but that's not happening anymore.

I don't really have an excuse to be in business anymore.

Maybe I'll keep my URL and come back as a musician or something. Who knows.

Anyway ----- I just don't think I have much of anything useful to add anymore ----- maybe this is just a momentary feeling, so I will give myself 2 months ----- so we'll see.

I will finally say this:::::

There's a new video platform that's been created that competes with Youtube.

It's called LBRY and can be found at

I've put up a few videos there on my own channel ------ maybe that's where I can talk from now on if I have anything to say.

Anyway ----- this blog has largely been useful as a way of limiting the amount of personal email I send ----- but I'm not sure I have anything useful to tell the public anymore.

Just try to be good people ------ exemplify righteousness.

That's all I really wanted to say ever since I was young.

Friday, August 30, 2019

Another Mood Swing and Learned New Music

So::: remember that medical treatment for that benign condition that probably won't kill me that I couldn't pay for earlier because I donated all that money to charity?

Well --- I got my disability payment ----- and I was able to buy my medical treatment. I think I quite like it actually.

But today I went through another mood swing.

Early in the day, I felt like my life had been a train wreck ----- but then I swung into feeling much more happy and confident.

I think I can see why this would be considered a disability ----- there is such a difference between feeling good and confident, and not feeling good.

When you are not feeling good, you kind of feel like you can't operate or deal with people. You just want to hide --- or at least I kind of did.

But ----- during the confident good feeling part of my emotional time -- which I am still feeling -- I spontaneously decided I wanted to learn more music on my guitars.

So::: I pulled out my book of Rock and Pop songs, set up my music stand, and found a piece of music.

The first line on tablature contained only three notes.

I played those notes.

I recognized the first part of a famous tune you might hear on TV.

I looked at the next line of tablature.

The next 3 notes were really confusing and I had no idea exactly how to play them or how they related to the first 3 notes in the famous tune we should all know.

I looked at the whole piece of music:::

Though the first three notes clearly were the first part of a famous piece of music ----- the second half of that piece of music was contained NOWHERE in the tablature,

Anyway ----- I've not really "played by ear" before ----- but from memory and realizing how those first three notes sounded - I was able to figure out how to play the whole piece of music which was made so famous by tv or radio or whatever.

But then again --- Maybe I only THINK I know the whole music --- there's one note in the sequence which I played from ear/memory which I wonder if it's correct or not.

I think it is --- but I'm not sure.

Maybe it would help if I just played this song from the music book on Apple Music. According to the tab, it's not going to be what I just learned to play - but the first three notes compare ---

and I just wonder about those confusing next 3 notes.


So ---- In the confidence part of a mood swing sequence I spontaneously decided to learn some more music. yay me.

Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Remembering something I blocked out

In my last post, I said I would probably find my bliss only if I felt good and forgot my past at the same time

But a little while ago I actually remembered something I had blocked out.

The memory was so painful and bad that I had to stop thinking about it for a very long time in order to get close to getting back on my feet.

In my mind, I figure what happened was so bad that I shouldn't dare talk about it. I mention it in my book ---------- but I blocked out the memory, and remembering it was like, it was heavy.

But ------ though I would want to shy away from talking about this subject on my blog ---------

I actually feel, perhaps mystically, empowered to write about it.

I mean -------- Youtube does have videos about suicide prevention and stuff ----- so maybe that's a relatable topic which is allowed. Maybe I can venture further and talk about::::

When I was young I was suicidal. Ballerinagirl knew I was suicidal. I told her. In the end, when I told her the last time about my idea that could or should just kill myself: she said she didn't care.

Obviously, there were some good reasons to put me into psychiatry after that.

What can I say? The Book of Finch is a whole story ------ it's actually a really, really bad story I guess.

My life wasn't very enjoyable for a long time. It was pretty much just good-hearted school teachers who kept me going for a long time. And then the psychiatrists kept me going, I guess.

My home situation wasn't the best, my school situation wasn't the best despite being considered a good student ----------

The church situation deteriorated very quickly --------

But the PROVINCIAL GOVERNMENT through school teachers and psychiatrists gave me the encouragement I needed to keep going. It seemed so much like there was so much against me ----- but the provincial government pulled me through. As I remember right now.

Basically::::: there was a lot wrong socially in my life back then ------ and I guess it all culminated with a statement by the girl I loved that she didn't care if I did myself in.

She may not have been personally entirely responsible for what she said ---- there may have been someone else pulling her strings.

But anyway ---- the rest is history ---- you can read my horrible horrible life story about how I got through that.

This is the kind of thing I would shy away from talking about on my blog in my own mind ---- but whatever it is, whether it's some mystic force or the holy ghost, is making me feel empowered to write about it.

I kind of feel scared to post a post on that memory.

I'll just say I have some realization the Ballerinagirl might not be fully guilty even though she's the one who said it and you'd think she should have been more caring.

But it is also a VERY SERIOUSLY WRONG kind of thing to say. NO ONE should behave that way.

Blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy.

(but in all seriousness::: I do feel kind of scared to post this)

Feeling Better?

Yesterday I said I was feeling down.

The feelings didn't improve until I said a prayer to God asking Him to help me feel better. (not the exact words of the prayer).

Anyway ----- it was a miracle ------ just simply by asking God to make me feel better: he made me feel better.

I've been feeling so much better ever since that prayer.

And yes ---- amazingly it was at the moment I asked to feel better that I started feeling better.

No drugs or anti-depressants needed.

Today's injection day: I still haven't gotten my injection yet: I'm on the lowest dosage of my medication in the cycle: I went from feeling down to feeling a lot better just by asking God for help to feel better.

Anyway ----- though I am FEELING better ------

In my mind, in my knowledge, I know and just remember ideas of how bad my life was. I still haven't escaped from the past. I need to forget.

There was a period of my life where I was pretty much miraculously forgetting the past and I enjoyed it very much --------

But for me to be truly happy, I suppose, I have to feel good, as well as just completely forget what I went through in my life.

And completely forgetting things in my life would not be a small thing::: it would be obvious that I'm disabled if I just forgot large portions or important events in my life.

But forgetting is how I'd be happy. Not just feeling happy, but mentally happy too ---- without having the garbage of the past cluttering the back of my mind.

Is it important to forget? In order to feel truly happy --- probably.

But what am I losing, what am I giving up by forgetting so much of my life? My sanity perhaps?

I would have to be considered disabled --- having lived such a life, forgotten big parts of it, and just live in bliss with no memories ----- I would be disabled at that point, like amnesia.

Maybe that's the way to go.

Could there, however, be anything said about remembering the bad -- acknowledging the effects -- and warning others about such behaviours? Maybe that would be good too ---- although it would be a difficult process to try to complete. Maybe I've already been doing it, maybe.

So:::: I feel better. Just asking God for help made me feel better.

I suppose, however, that such a solution might not always work.


When I was initially diagnosed with schizophrenia ----- there was absolutely zero attempt by anyone to bless me back to mental health.

In fact, it's quite possible that the whole reason I became schizophrenic is because that's what certain people were going for.

If people were trying to drive me mad ----- and no one is attempting to bless me to get better -----

That might be a situation where God might not be so helpful, and the doctors might feel justified in putting me on medications.

Yeah--- my life just wasn't the greatest ---- I've mentioned that already.

But at least I can feel good now. Thank God.