Friday, November 15, 2019

Attention Seeking

Well, I've had a certain amount of success on LBRY ------ and now I'm turning into a bit of an attention seeker on the platform.

I realize some of my videos have gone through "their runs" and probably aren't so interesting anymore ------

and I realize that many people might not be in the mood to afford all my games -------

But after getting as much attention as I did get for a good while, well, it's like that phenomenon where you get a lot of likes on Facebook and then start wondering why people stopped liking.

Yeah ---- it's easy to feel loved when the tips are flowing, and it seems almost like a natural response to wonder why people "don't like me anymore" after the tips slow down.

It might just be a financial issue, I'm sure most people are kind and friendly ----- and that maybe I'm just not so interesting anymore.

But considering the history of my life -------- yeah -------- just like life is a mess for so many people my life was a bit of a mess too -------- so what are the implications of that?

But I guess financial difficulties may also be part of the issue------ not everyone has a bunch of video gmess they can sell on the platform like I can.

But yeah ---- getting good attention and then getting doldrums is causing me to, perhaps "irrationally", seek more attention.

I use the word irrationally because my mind just feels like its looking for that high again.

Maybe I just shouldn't worry about it.

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

The Bananatree Brothers: Eat Carrots is now available again

I only just now realized that I should make a blog post on this topic.

Last night I re-released The Bananatree Brothers: Eat Carrots.

It's Freeware.

It's on LBRY (go to to download the client).

It's on the @KrisAttfieldGAMES channel.

It requires two players both with a gamepad each, no keyboard or mouse.

It's for Mac Windows and Linux.

It's a pretty fun game.

Zero cost. But feel free to leave a tip.

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Forgiving versus Condoning

So, I did a little bit of research.

A search online and a look at a dictionary reveal that Forgiveness IS SYNONYMOUS with condoning.

But a search asking if forgiveness is the same as condoning reveals multiple results that say Forgiveness IS NOT condoning.

I've been so confused about this topic for so long.

So:::: the two terms ARE synonymous but they mean different things or something and can't be looked at as the same things?

I just looked up the definition of "synonymous".

That word means that two words have the same meaning in the same language.

So::::: dictionaries/thesauruses say that forgiveness and condoning are synonymous, essentially that they have the same meaning,

while supposed experts who write articles on the subject say they are two different things?

I am kind of confused about this.

To me, it seems like there's a faction of humans who want to say forgiveness is purely an emotional state where an offender will still have to suffer punishment anyway, which is not what I understood from looking at the Bible.

Even if God forgives you, you will still go to hell anyway huh?

Does that make ANY SENSE at all??? No!

Anyway.  It's just really confusing.

The two words are considered synonymous, yet also considered to be two different things ---- which makes zero sense.

Monday, November 11, 2019

What is the trouble?


I watched a youtube video this morning about Crimes with Paranormal backstories.

I realize the story of my life is something like that ---- though not exactly the same.

The worst I actually did was be too horny ----- just like any man.

It was GOD who did all the worst stuff I perceived happened.

And because I'm schizophrenic I can't even know if my perceptions are actually real.

The whole thing is pretty insane.

I, myself, have almost always tried to be a good boy, deliberately. Doing what I think or what I'm supposed to understand is right.

I was educated in the church and educated with the rest of society. Those two moral systems can clash in a number of ways.

I often tried to do what I understood to be right ------ and to me, it seemed like so many people around me weren't even going to try to be good people, especially as children.

A good thing I took from Church teachings when I was a kid was to essentially attempt to be perfect ever since baptism. I was trying so hard. And yes ---- everything gets all messed up in this way and that ------- especially when you find out the church isn't quite right,

But I will say that I was usually trying so hard to understand morality and do the right thing.

When I saw bad behaviour in people around me, that only encouraged me to want to propagate morality.

And yeah ----- in the end it all gets messed up.

All the philosophy and behaviour going around made me have "The coherence of a mental patient".

So yeah ------- my life is a big mess, I was trying to be a good and moral person,

especially as the church encouraged me to follow that path ---- but the church itself became questionable.

If it's a crime to be horny, then that's the biggest crime I've probably physically committed.

God did all the worst stuff unless my perceptions of reality are whacko.

and yeah, I think I did get haunted ------- sometimes I wonder about lights I notice, while in my early 20s I would have sex with ghosts. Yeah.

Nothing makes sense about this to anyone I'm sure.

A church that taught the miraculous reality that sent me to doctors who don't believe in miracles.
(I should point out that the D&C actually says you shouldn't do that).

Nothing made sense.

I try to do the right thing with my life and efforts. Sometimes situations in life just aren't very good or don't make any sense. Yeah.

Of course, Linkin Park says "I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter" ---- so who knows.

Saturday, November 2, 2019

I've learned what the GAIN knob does

So:: I've had my electric guitar and its amp for a number of months now,

and I was able to figure out early on that gain "controlled the volume" on the OverDrive --------

But there is also a regular Volume knob on the amp ---------

And the other evening I watched a Youtube video that highlighted a guitarist's ignorance about the actual function of gain, the person in the video supposing it's a volume knob.

So::: I asked a search engine what the Gain knob does.

The search engine took me to Fender who explained it's a control for the level of distortion.

So, excited, I headed to my bedroom and set volume really low, but set the gain to really high ----

and I played ---- Yay!!!

Well, it was just exciting to hear something like that come out.

For a long time, I thought I would actually have to buy a pedal to get such sound --- but now I don't have to. The power of education.

The Second Time this has happened now

In a previous post from a few months ago, I told a story ----

The same kind of story happened again last night.

Last night I was laying in bed, trying to go to sleep ---- but I felt, well, horny. I just had this annoying feeling down there that was telling me to have sex.

I'm actually pretty annoyed with that requirement of my physiology. I am getting so tired of those feelings.

I asked the question in my mind: "Why does God make me feel this way?"

Shortly after asking that question in my mind, the feeling disappeared. No more horny. Still no such feeling after a night of sleep.

On the occasion from a few months ago the thought I thought was "There's a ghost molesting me" --- shortly after which the feeling disappeared.

But yeah ----- it appears, in my experience, that if you think a thought or telepathically think a thought accusing a Ghost or God of sexually molesting you, twice now the horny feelings disappear shortly after you think the thought.

But seriously:::: those feelings have been such a problem for me ever since my grandmother died ------ and I'm just getting really, really tired of them.

So it's interesting how simply thinking such thoughts makes the feelings go away.


I suppose I could mention, in other news, that in the past few weeks I've learned quite a bit more music on guitar.

I know enough music now that I can't even remember all the titles I know all at once I think. Yay.

Saturday, October 26, 2019

What is my goal?

Well, I've been on LBRY for just a few months now and I'm already commonly highly placed on Trending.

In just a few months, with very limited exposure to people, I've made about $23CAD of cryptocurrency from the platform.

That is a sign of hopefully continuing economic success from these efforts.

But what is it all for? Why am I doing it?

In the beginning of this whole adventure of me trying to do something with my life:::: my idea was that I was going to work for Jesus, from a Mormon/LDS way.

But back then my knowledge of the Mormon/LDS ways was heavily limited, especially because I've never been to the temple or got my endowment.

I basically set out to serve Mormon Jesus -------- and learned as I went along, and found some things to be very messed up.

So:::: I've done what I've done, I've had all this experience, I'm suddenly having some kind of success --------

but now I'm wondering ---- What is it all for?

My end goal is not the same now as when I started out.

I started out planning to do certain things with my life:::: but as I found more information, my plans have to change ------

And I just have to figure out exactly what it is I'm going for with my new found success.

$23 isn't much, but it's the biggest gains I've made for a long time. I'm highly placed on trending.

I could do something with this status ------ it should be something good, or useful, at least entertaining.

It's just weird how I started this whole "business" with serving Mormon Jesus in mind only to figure out that this is not how I should be.

What should my end goal be?

Maybe I just have to just hope to entertain people. Maybe I need to set my end goal at a humbler level than before.

To entertain people with guitar and video games? To try to teach people something useful with these medias? Hmmmm.

I need to figure out a worthwhile end goal. My former end goal is not suitable anymore.

I mean::: I should be doing something with my life, it would be a great waste to do nothing.

But it's a good idea to have something to work towards. yeah.


I was just thinking about things that are good that I might try to teach people in LBRY videos.

And I realized something relevant to this post that I should make an update about.

Mormonism is actually full of wisdom.

Mormonism actually teaches many good things.

There are things about the church or the history of the church which are pretty much very wrong,

But when I think about wise things I might impart to others in videos,

I have a realization that many of these good ideas were also taught in the Mormon church.

Mormonism became so wrong somehow --------- but so many good ideas were expressed in that group.

Weird stuff.

Here's a runthrough of some of the good things Mormons taught::

1) Give. Do service. This is good stuff.

2) Don't have sex. I know a lot of people completely miss the point of this one::: but it's a good point::: just don't have sex.

3) The world we live in cannot be expected to be perfect. Basically, the Mormons believe we live in a telestial world, or a very low level world ----- so don't expect people to be on their best behavior.

4) Despite how the world around us is so wrong, it's up to YOU to be perfect/do your best. Let your light shine.

I mean::::: in so many ways the church just becomes so wrong,

but there are things they taught which were really, really good to know.

So:::: it's hard for me to tell if I should distance myself from Mormon Jesus or go back to Mormon Jesus.

The church is really a mised bag. There's the good and the bad.

Sometimes the bad is very noticeable -------

but when I think about all these wise things I know ------- the Mormon church already beat me to the punch, so to speak.

Who knows.

Tuesday, October 22, 2019

I've re-published Coconuts versus Bananas

I've re-published my old Forge TV title "Coconuts versus Bananas: The Invasion of Carl CocoPalm".

It's on LBRY.

The channel is at KrisAttfieldGAMES.

You can download the LBRY client at

It costs 40 cents USD worth of LBRY Credits to pay for the download.

It requires exactly 4 players to be played who must each have a gamepad. No keyboard or mouse controls.

It works on macOS, Linux and Windows.

I think I've said everything I have to.

Go have some fun!!

(Oh --- I playtested the game with a friend and family --- it was great fun --- much better on Mac than on Forge TV).

Friday, October 18, 2019

Reducing Reusing and Redeciding

Well, with my Dad's help I was able to upgrade my old Linux Laptop with a new SSD -----

that breathes new life into this laptop,

so I'll be reusing it for longer, and reducing the number of computers I plan on purchasing over time.

And we can buy an external enclosure and reuse the hard drive taken out of the laptop as well.

But despite reducing clutter and junk -----

I have been having second thoughts about voting for the Green Party. Maybe I won't.

But I don't need to convince anyone of anything.

Part of my problem is I might not be fully intellectually-capable.

My intellectual abilities have been improving over the years ------

But with how smart I was in grade 12 and university it's clear I've had my problems.

But want to know what really boggles me?

Me --- with the problems I've had ------- why on earth did the church think it was a good idea to tell me to go to university even though my patriarchal blessing didn't say so and my brain wasn't in the mood?

It's just kind of strange that there was so much emphasis on University after high school ----- but my functioning as very-very low at that point so I don't understand why my intellect with limited ability at that time was being told to study at higher education.

It didn't make sense.

If the church knew I wasn't mentally-well, why would they send me to something I'm going to fail at, while taking away Avril Lavigne who was helping with my psychological issues?

Something was wrong with that.

But I digress ----- my brain isn't always fully functional, therefore it's not on me to convince anyone of anything political.

Saturday, October 12, 2019

Someone Else Handing out my Phone Number?

Well --- I guess I can't even be certain that the phone calls I receive are even for me.

Twice now I've received a call from a specific clinic ---- and both times the call wasn't for me. It has nothing to do with me, and yet they phone my number about someone else's business.

And I don't really feel like responding to their messages to tell them they got the wrong guy. They should realize they have the wrong guy when they listen to my voicemail message.

So who knows.


Ever since I was young, I was so very interested in computers especially with all the fun I could have with them for gaming.

I'd often be dreaming about some kind of expensive new mac.

And when I finally got the expensive new mac, I would then wonder what it's like to run a low end computer with a different operating system.

Just a real keen interest of mine.

And it's an expensive interest that I've luckily managed to largely avoid at this point in my life, now that I've had my fill of both the high end and the low end.

But the same thing is happening to me with Guitars.

Guitars take up space, and they cost money.

I already have three guitars, and that should be all I need.

But I am intrigued by a guitar marketed on Youtube called the LAVA ME 2 which costs about 900 dollars ------

As well as I'm also interested in, just for fun, the super cheap Epiphone Les Paul at a string of local guitar shops.

I could actually buy that Les Paul in a couple weeks ----- except where would I put it ---- and why would I need to considering I already have 3 guitars? I can only play one guitar at a time.

As well as I might need the money for medical treatment soon enough.

So, I'm just saying it's interesting how my keen interest in computers made my eyes wander --- both to the high end and low end --------

and now a similar thing is happening with guitars.

I wonder if it's the same kind of thing for why people Linux Distro Hop. Maybe.

Thursday, October 10, 2019

New Amplifier

I've bought a new Amp.

It's a brand-name amp.

I like it because it's portable and battery-powered.

I plan on using it with my electric guitar at a family event that's coming soon.

It has built-in Overdrive and Delay. And some other feature I haven't looked at yet.

I turned on the OD ---- I set the delay ------


I guess the major distinguishing feature of this amp that my first amp didn't have was the delay.

The delay makes it sound awesome.

Anyway. yeah. I have good settings on my guitar, and the amp sounds awesome.

I wouldn't want to tell what kind of amp it is because I'm in a habit of not identifying individuals publicly, as well as who knows if the people who made the amp will like me or dislike me (because my life is so very effed up and people could take any position).

Though I don't believe forgiveness should always be the default stance for every problem, having grown up how I did I may have to rely on the forgiveness and understanding of people who realize that I was being indoctrinated. Enough said about that.

But, because it's kind of relevant to Avril Lavigne, I'll say this:

You will always be my Blackstar Fly 3. Yeah. I love it.

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

I've Re-Published The Eagle's Sore Ebook


for a long time now I took all my ebooks off of publishing services. No ebooks available for a long time.

But, this evening, in lieu of having Coconuts versus Bananas properly playtested and ready to go -----

I've decided to publish my novella "The Eagle's Sore" on LBRY.

It's at KrisAttfield --- the channel at KrisAttfield.

It costs 9USD worth of LBRY credits. I saw no point in keeping the price down to the pennies on this product.

As for The Book of Finch and Letters to Whomever ---- I'm thinking I'll let those two books drift into the mists of the past.

No point in digging up old quarrels.

The Book of Finch and Letters to Whomever had a purpose ----- but those life stories are so awful there's just no point in resurrecting them. I don't think so at least. The already published books did their jobs I think. Although I didn't really get paid much.

And as a note:::: Today I was diagnosed with another disease. It's possible I might have to spend money to get full treatment. (maybe $450CAD --- maybe) ------ so that's why I need to sell products and make money ----- so I can afford things like this.

Of course, the original dream was to make money so I could buy a house and have a family and all that ---- is that too much to ask for?

LBRY seems pretty decent ------ at least I make some money on that platform ----- which is more than I can say for anything else I've tried so far.

Problem with LBRY Credits is they seem to be devaluing pretty quickly. If LBRY credits were still worth 0.016CAD ---- then my current balance would be about 23 dollars worth. But the price of LBC had dropped to about 0.011CAD ------ which means my credits are only worth around 16 dollars or so.

Making The Eagle's Sore worth 9USD might give people a reason to buy LBC rather than just sell them. Yeah.

Monday, October 7, 2019

Something Really Weird just happened.

I checked my budget in Numbers on my iPhone.

I had $183.57 available according to the spreadsheet.

I then went to my banking app to make sure that number was correct.

The banking app said my balance was $180.57 (3 dollars had been automatically put in savings).

So, I logged out of banking --- and went to reopen numbers to manually update my budget.

Something weird happened.

Usually, my numbers spreadsheet is zoomed in so I can see the numbers close-up and easily edit them.

But in a flash, the spreadsheet was zoomed out.

This isn't the weird part.

I made the finger gesture to zoom-in.

And I saw that the number on my budget that Iw as going to manually change had been automatically changed to the right number.

Either the phone is learning and knows exactly what goes where ----- or there was some magic ----- or I manually changed it, blanked out and completely forgot what I just did without realizing I already did what I wanted to do.

Weirdest thing.

My iOS recently updated to the new version ----- is this a feature of the new OS?

Either it's a kind of scary technological advancement ------- or it was some miracle where I just willed the data to change without having to press anything -------- or I made the change myself, completely blanked out and forgot what I just did ------ which is pretty weird.

Yeah ------ I've noticed some other weird stuff like this too.

Like, ever since I lost my friendship with the ballerina girl ------- she did keep in contact for a while afterward, intermittently --------

and sometimes I think I remember what she said ------ but then I'll go look up her email, and find that the email is not how I remembered it ------- as if the email changed on the storage system or I'm having memory problems.

I'm not sure I should go into detail about what happened the last time I thought I remembered I knew what she said, I looked it up in the records, and found something a bit different ---- it's just a very strange thing.

In one email she gives me one set of inaccurate ideas --------- and then years later when I check the email again, she says she can't remember exactly and the story of the email is changed from how I remember it used to be.

It's like of like how I was reading "The Miracle of Forgiveness" by Spencer W Kimball, I came across some things in the book I definitely remembered ------

and when I looked back in the same book years later, the writing had completely changed and the message had changed as if someone had switched out my original copy with a different edition that said different stuff.

it's the weirdest thing.

To recap:

1) Some data automagically changed in my spreadsheet. I've never seen this happen before.
2) Emails from an old friend seemed to have magically changed over the years so as they are now are not how I remember what she originally said.
3) A book I read seemed to magically change as if someone switched out my copy with a different edition with a different message (but the same cover of the book was used).

Just really weird stuff.

Something is just really weird when the number in your spreadsheet automagically changed to the correct number all by itself without me having to do manual data entry.

Really --- really ----- weird.

Saturday, October 5, 2019

Big Stuff

So --- yesterday was a big day, kind of.

I decided I would beautify my bedroom a bit by rearranging and cleaning up.

I found an old shoebox from my childhood just sitting there --- it had been sitting there for ages and no one ever bothered with it.

I looked inside.

I found treasure!!!

The shoebox was mostly empty, but the bottom fifth or fourth of the volume of the box was littered with coins.

There were all these loonies from the early 1990's that were still pretty shiny sitting in there.

The youngest coin I think I found in the box was a toonie from 1996. It was still kind of shiny.

So, I was excited about my little bit of archaeology.

All the loonies and toonie together was worth $36.

In 1996 $36 would have been worth about $55 in today's money.

Maybe that's why I always felt so poor when I was young ---- rather than spend, I saved my money in a shoebox and completely forgot about it.

I decided I would add the money to this month's budget.

I spent two dollars on a lottery ticket. I lost.

I spent twenty dollars on a book. That was actually pretty good deal ------ with the deal I got on the book, it's like the inflation didn't exist. So I'm pretty happy about that.

OK --- a minor detail ----- my Mom bought the book, and I repaid with 20 loonies.


Something else happened yesterday.

My last post said my Mom apologized for something that happened when I was 16.

She said she's had issues with this kind of behaviour, although she didn't remember the specific incident I had brought up.

Well, something spiritual happened.

Maybe you could call it a mental health issue, but with my brother involved and hearing what he had to say ------ it could easily be spiritual at this point.

Basically, like two days after apologizing for a certain kind of behaviour-------

yesterday it, mildly, happened again.

And this time some spirit, or a mental health issue, took revenge.

That should be all I'm willing to say seeing as how this is a family thing, and maybe I shouldn't blab too much --------

But regarding the factors involved --------- my Mom just apologized for certain things a couple days ago, and then yesterday that kind of thing popped up again, and in a snap, it's like some ghost is taking issue with her over it.

Or maybe the treasure was cursed. Who knows.

Just weird stuff. That could easily fall in the mental health category. But seems like it might be spiritual.

Wednesday, October 2, 2019

My Mom Apologized

This is such a big thing to happen that I feel I might as well mention it on my blog ---- just to make sure it's recorded that it happened.

My brother told me that when I have a problem with someone, I should contact them directly about it, preferably in writing.

So::::: I had a long-standing issue from an incident with my mother from when I was 16 which I did not record in The Book of Finch.

Today I wrote down the issue and how it affected me.

I gave it to my Mom.

She read it.

Then she sat us all down in the living room and basically gave her apology and admitted that such behaviour is a shortcoming of hers. --- although she said she didn't remember the specific incident in question.

So:::: she's apologized. I accept that, and we hope we can move forward with our lives.

I'm just recording this on my blog as a reminder to myself that I did write to her about that incident and she did apologize for it.

Monday, September 30, 2019

Guess Who I thought I saw today?

Well, after writing that last post about needing professional help and the bad memories I suffer from ----

I went to a hospital.

I got my picture taken at the hospital. (diagnostic imaging).

The whole thing more or less went well enough ---------

But as I was walking out of the diagnostic imaging center ----- I saw someone.

Seated right there, in the waiting room,

looked just like Avril Lavigne's Ex-Husband Chad Kroeger.

I've been at a different hospital numerous times before and thought I saw Avril Lavigne herself on those visits -------

but this time the guy sitting in the waiting room looked like her ex-husband.

Yes ----- that brought a smile to my face.

On the way home my Dad called my Mom's cell ---- and I picked up.

I told my Dad who I thought I saw.

My Dad asked if I went to ask him who he was.

My Dad is more extroverted than me, so it's more natural for him to be more conversational ------

I'm introverted, so I'm just happy to see the likeness but have no drive to actually talk to anyone.

Even when I for sure met Avril in person at one of her concerts ------- I didn't even talk to her, I just grunted and walked out of the room.

Anyway. yeah.

Today I thought I saw Chad Kroeger at the hospital. It looked just like him. Yeah.

As for the medical condition we're having inspected:::::

I have my suspicions that I'll be OK.  The symptoms have not persisted.

Needing Professional Help

I do see a psychiatrist. It has helped.

It's clear now why I need and needed professional help:::::

Even just living with memories of my childhood is hard.

It's just difficult psychologically, in my mind, to remember some of the things that happened. It's not pleasant simply having memories.

Here's two memories from in my own home::::::

1) When I was about 13 years old, I think I was 13, my sisters were in their bedroom screaming. I wanted them to be quiet. I told them multiple times to be quiet. They never listened.

They just wouldn't listen or respond to my simple little request for them to be quiet.

In the end my parents told me to stop asking ------ and they just continued.

This experience has haunted my mind for a very long time now. In later years the pain is wearing off a bit ------- but just having this experience, and then remembering this experience, has never helped my brain.

2) When I was in my last month as a 16 year old ---- just a couple weeks or so before turning 17 ------- My sisters and their friends decided they wanted to deliberately drive me crazy.

I had always been told to forgive my whole life. I wasn't allowed to do a thing about it.

They yelled all this nonsense as though it were a magical spell meant to drive me mad.

I saw the situation as so disrespectful that shortly after I DID actually go mad. And years later the memory haunts me about their behaviour and lack of respect.

There are other things that went wrong in my childhood as well -------

But these are two experiences that I clearly remember which haunt me to this day -------- it's difficult living with the fact that my sisters were so disrespectful growing up.

Yeah ---- I think I am needing the professional help I get -------- just living with these memories alone is hard enough.

So much went wrong. It's like people weren't even trying to be good people.

Thursday, September 26, 2019

Talked to my Mom

So, this morning, without my Dad around, I tried explaining to my Mom how The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints' definition of forgiveness is different from the rest of the world's definition of forgiveness.

I tried explaining that most of the world believe forgiveness refers to the removal of punishment for an offence.

I tried explaining that the non-Standard church's definition of forgiveness refers to not feeling grudges or resentment ---- but that punishment will still happen anyway.

She then explained to me that when we repent, Jesus will forgive us, which means we will essentially mean we will not be punished for our sin.

I tried explaining to her that she's still operating under normal Christianity with those ideas ---- and then I gave two examples of when I did something wrong, repented, and still got punished by the church anyway ----- they were required to forgive me, but they still punished me at the same time.

She doesn't seem to understand what I'm trying to tell her.

Anyway ------- so all these years my Mom has been going to the Church and the Temple ---- she's been under a completely false impression of what the doctrine is.

She realized how screwed up I am about this stuff --------- but her impression of what the church's doctrine is doesn't quite match reality and she's been doing all this church stuff for YEARS (like, 34 or 35 years now) without the slightest idea of what the Church actually means with what they say.

The Church's definition of Forgiveness is different than the way that most of the world defines Forgiveness.

My Mom still hasn't come to this realization, after 34 years, and it's not enough for me to just tell her and give examples.

She's still operating in a Christian Mindset ------ she still hasn't figured out exactly what her own Church was trying to teach.

Anyway. Yeah.

The reason it was important to mention that my Dad was not around as I tried to tell her this stuff is this:::::

My Dad can't seem to handle ANY TALKING AT ALL.

As soon as I start trying to explain the differences between Christianity and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 99% of the time he will automatically try to shut down my discussion or go off in a different direction with what I was just saying.

I'm just saying it's very difficult to say anything at all with my Dad around.

And though my Dad wasn't around, the meaning of what I said still didn't get through to my Mom.

She's had the wrong idea for pretty much as long as I've been alive.

There are definitely confusions about the differences between Christianity and what the Church teach and believe ------ and I had to put up with that confusion all m life.

Sunday, September 22, 2019

Can't sleep

It's 3AM right now and I'm not very sleepy, so I'll write a post about computing.

I installed Ubuntu 18.04 on my 1.4ghz Mac Mini.

LBRY plays videos flawlessly on that system.

While LBRY is stop-and-go on the 1.6ghz NUC with the same operating system.

It might be because the 1.4ghz mac hyperthreads while the NUC doesn't, or maybe it's that the mac has more and better cache than the NUC.

Whatever it is, the slower 1.4ghz machine runs LBRY better than the 1.6ghz machine.

Interesting eh?


So for a good while, anything that got good support on LBRY from me would get sales and tips ----- people seemed to just love me.

But with my recent publish of The Bananatree Brothers nobody's nibbled ---- not even the game trailer got any views.

Maybe it's because I priced it at 50 cents.  It's priced at 40 cents now.

Or maybe there's less than 4.4mllion CAD worth of LBRY Credits in existence and the Credits are scarce for most people. I can understand that.

Or maybe it's just that most people don't have two controllers or two people willing to play. That might be it too.

Whatever it is, I guess I can take a slight break as I myself get two more controllers for playing Coconuts versus Bananas (a 4 player game). If the two player game won't sell, it's even less likely that the 4 player game will sell. No need to rush.

But thanks everyone for all your support on my previous projects ------ it just made me so happy to see people take such interest in my work!

Not sure what else to talk about. I was just thinking about how I need to make my money in order to buy things I would like to have.

Who knows:::: maybe there's some spiritual aspect to me selling lots before and now I'm not selling anything.

For the while I was selling stuff:::: My mom was away on a trip and my Dad was at home.

It's my Dad who really supports my business efforts.

While now my Mom is at home and my Dad is on a trip::::: and my Mom refused to ask God for help making money.

Maybe it's spiritual.

Maybe having the soul of a man who actually wants something same as I do was good for business,

While having the soul of a person around who does not want the same was bad for business.


Saturday, September 21, 2019

My Reasoning This Election

So, being here in Alberta::: Conservatism is a big thing.

But Youtube has been reminding me about what Jesus actually taught.

"Sell all that you have and give to the poor"

"Forsake all".

With those two arguments from Jesus Christ in mind, it only seems most reasonable to me, at least, to support the Green Party this election.

If the climate change science is true::: then the Green Party might be our best bet.

If climate change science is wrong::: it's still a good idea to reduce reliance on non-renewable resources anyway.

As well as the Greens want to finally implement a Guaranteed Minimum Income for all Canadians, which is basically a name for Universal Basic Income -----------

And that is a really, really good idea.

If UBI had existed when I was young, maybe I could have avoided Psychiatry altogether ---- I may have been a more functional person if I had some idea my family had an income back then.

I had many pressures on me when I was 17 years old ----- but a big one was knowing my family was unemployed and I had a zillion things to do ----- without funding.

It was enough to drive me insane.

if we actually had a minimum basic guaranteed income back then, my mind would have had greater peace knowing I was financially taken care of, and my problems would not have been exacerbated by a lack of funding.

I think there's some possibility I might have completely avoided going insane and psychiatry altogether if only my family had an income in those days.

No income::: Everything seems impossible::: I go mad.

With income:::: Everything might've seemed a bit more manageable ::::: I might've kept my sanity.

Anyway::::: This Canadian Federal Election, it's looking like the Green Party are my favourites, so far it seems.

Friday, September 20, 2019

I've re-published The Bananatree Brothers

This morning I published The Bananatree Brothers on LBRY.

The client can be found at LBRY dot com.

The game costs 50 cents worth of LBRY credits to buy.

The game is for two players and requires two gamepads to be played on a single computer.

It is the two-player version of Blaine Bananatree.

For Mac Windows and Linux.

The LBRY channel is at KrisAttfieldGAMES.

Monday, September 16, 2019

How Accurate are my Memories?

So::: I was thinking that I should probably keep my nose out of telling people who to vote for this election.

This is especially true since over the past couple months I've repeatedly changed my mind.

I was just thinking about when I was young, in elementary school, learning about democracy.

I have memories of being very politically interested as a kid, although I was in a sense "brainwashed" by my conservative surroundings.

I have a memory of a provincial election I think I remember happened when I was in elementary school. I'm pretty sure it was a provincial election.

I told my Dad about my Memory, and he says I'm wrong.

But then again ---- I have other memories of things that I'm pretty sure happened, and my Dad has also told me I'm wrong about those memories as well. But ---- my Dad wasn't actually there when those things happened, so how accurate can he possibly be in his opinion?

Anyway ----- My memory of this provincial election is me asking me Dad who he voted for ----- My memory is a sense of disappointment that he did not vote conservative like everyone else.

But ---- today my Dad tells me he never actually voted for the party I thought I remembered he said he voted for.

So::: Either my Dad lied somewhere, or I'm having memory problems.

Interesting though, is that the party I remember he said he voted for (but now he denies this memory) is the same party I'm currently considering today.

I don't know. He's not a 100% accurate guy I know, so either he lied somewhere, or I'm wrong.

Ah --- I also have memories of meeting Jesus and seeing Angels ------- and people have told me I'm wrong about that too --------- So who knows anymore.

Anyway ----- I have a memory which is apparently very sketchy because my Dad denies it now ----- but it's just me somehow getting the impression that he wasn't always a Conservative.

Actually, and I'm pretty sure of this because we had physical evidence of it in the house ---- my Dad did actually run for Member of Legislative Assembly once (MLA) ----- and he did NOT run as a Conservative! And he lost (of course)! I'm pretty sure of this memory because of the evidence in our house I clearly saw time and time again --- but when he did this I don't think I was born yet.

My Dad just reminded me of something ------ he and I both signed nomination papers once for someone we knew who wanted to run for this party which I am considering today and I thought I was once told he once voted for. He and I both remember this incident.

But I have a memory of my Dad telling me something when I was a kid, and he told me I was wrong today.

No idea.

Other memories I'm pretty sure about he's told me I'm wrong about before too -------

And then there's my paranormal memories which also I have been told I was wrong about.


Well, I was so young for the memory in question I guess I could easily have gotten it wrong over all that time. I guess.

But, I do know 100% that though we have been heavily influenced by our conservative surroundings, we haven't been 100% conservative, and I know this about my Dad because he once ran for a party that wasn't the conservative party. Yeah.

And I guess that's all I have to say about politics now, without trying to tell anyone what to think, especially because I myself am trying to make up my mind. But I have ideas.

Friday, September 13, 2019

I've re-released Blaine Bananatree

My old OUYA game Blaine Bananatree is now up on LBRY for Mac, Windows and Linux.

You'll NEED a gamepad connected to your computer to play.

The channel is @KrisAttfieldGAMES.

It costs about 30 cents of LBRY credits to buy.

The LBRY client can be found at

It's exciting to have a good way to be able to publish games again. Yay.

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Maybe I'll Post an update

I said in a past post that I was subsidizing someone else's new equipment so I can get their old equipment for myself to use.

That process is now complete.

My 1.4ghz Mac Mini which I was using as my Unity 4 Dev machine has been replaced by a superior model.

And I have to say, the superior model does run so much better.

I now have my 1.4ghz mini set aside as what I'll call a "testing console". To me, it just makes sense to wipe everything on the hard drive, start from scratch, and just use it for testing.

But with a clean install of the OS, the 1.4ghz mini actually runs pretty well ---- as long, I'm sure, as you aren't doing anything too arduous.

I said in another recent post that I released Air Defence on LBRY and that it has a bug in the mac version and you can't use the keyboard controls.

I'm thinking I might actually release an update.

Upon inspecting a bit more about how LBRY works, I figure it's possible that I can release an update, and that'll make everything so much nicer.

Unfortunately, we'll have to wait about a week --- the only Windows PC in our house belongs to my Mom, and she's away for a while, so I might not be able to test on Windows until she gets back.

I've also done some work on Blaine Bananatree. It's coming along.

Last night I went to sleep thinking very sad thoughts about how no one ever really liked me. I know that's probably not true, but childhood was hard enough and it was just difficult to see an end to tipping.

But then I got another tip. And Air Defence is on the Trending Page. I'm sorted out now. Yay.


I was actually able to test on Windows before my Mom came back --- so last night I released v1.01 of Air Defence on LBRY. Yay!!

The LBRY system is more versatile than I originally imagined it to be.

At first, I thought version control was going to be very difficult ---- but it's actually very easy.


Monday, September 9, 2019

Maybe People Just don't like me

So::: I posted some stuff on LBRY ----- you can earn LBRY credits from sales and tips on that platform ------

I was getting some good tips from some of my videos.

I even sold two copies of Air Defence.

And now all the activity has stopped.

For the past while, there haven't really been tips or sales.

And I think it's just kind of weird how I earned more credits from tips than I did from game sales. That is kind of wind.

Maybe I'm just suffering from that "like like like" dopamine disorder right now.

They say that when people get lots of likes on Facebook that makes them feel good, but when the likes stop they feel depressed.

It's the same for me right now on LBRY. I was getting some pretty good tips for a while. And now that seems to have stopped.

Must be the same kind of thing going on in my brain.

It kind of makes me wonder if people don't like me.

And then I look back on my life and realize, yet again, that even in my own family, my own siblings didn't really like me from early childhood.

No, I just have to think that maybe LBRY credits are in short supply for most people and they just can't pay me.

Or I have to think that they don't have gamepads to play my game with (my game requires a gamepad).

Or maybe they just don't like my preview video. The game might not look interesting enough.

It should be nothing new to me that people don't like me or a dearth of sales ---- that's nothing new ----

But getting all kinds of tips for a little while felt so good

and then it all stopped. And now I'm feeling it. Like that "like like like" Facebook dopamine problem.

I mean, I try to look at my life's story, and see if there's any one spot in my story that might make people dislike me -----------

but that might have nothing to do with it, I realize (with the scarcity of LBC issue), and I also just know that my own siblings didn't really like me from a very young age -------

So people not liking me, in my own thinking, can't entirely be my own fault ---------- it's just that there's a long history of people being jerks to me in my youth and that might just be expectable.

But people not paying me isn't jerkish-ness. It's not

It's just scarcity. People are in debt and poor, and there are a zillion different videos to donate to on LBRY. Rewards are in short supply, especially when compared to my game price.

So, maybe I've already had my success. Maybe LBRY just hasn't grown very big.

There are all kinds of factors why the payments could have stopped -------

the first idea that comes to mind is people don't like me, but then again, people never have,

so it's probably just an economics of scarcity issue.

Is just that "like like like stop" dopamine disorder I guess.

Sunday, September 8, 2019

Slow Machines

I just thought I'd post a commentary about what it's like to use the low-end computing technology.

Right now I'm trying to start Unity 4 on my 1.4ghz mac mini.

It's taking a long time. Very slow. Definitely not a development machine. I have to use my 1.4ghz mac right now in order to do what I'm planning on doing in Unity 4 ------ but if I had a good choice, I'd probably try to use something with more clockspeed.

And then there's my 1.6ghz Intel NUC running Ubuntu.

It's a pretty nice machine, except for running LBRY.

When trying to watch videos on LBRY on the NUC, well, it's I guess what you might call "Choppy". It can't play continuously through the whole video.

What you have to do on the NUC to watch LBRY videos is download the video, and then close LBRY and watch the video in the Totem video player.

Because I'm not super-wealthy, I was attracted to the cheaper hardware.

That hardware is really only good for pretty much browsing, email, spreadsheets and word processing. And simple games.

Something complex like the Unity 4 development or LBRY and the processors just can't handle it very well.

But I guess I'll survive.

Tuesday, September 3, 2019

I've Re-Published Air Defence

Well, with the advent of LBRY I figured I could publish my video games again.

So I published Air Defence for Mac, Windows and Linux.

It's available on LBRY on the @KrisAttfieldGAMES channel.

Be sure to read the README before buying. is the website of the platform.

I've already had one person buy the game:::: and now we're lamenting that I didn't have the foresight to put in full keyboard controls, and that the game requires a gamepad.

Well, my games are ports of OUYA games, and every old OUYA game I publish will require a gamepad -- so that's my excuse.

I recommend the Logitech F310 (I think that's what it's called) --- it can be purchased for about $30. I have two, they're great. Use them a lot when gaming, never had a big problem with them.

Of course, only after publishing the game did it occur to me that I should test the game with my joystick or with other different kinds of configurations.

So far I've found the Linux version is the best.

The Mac version has one small problem, which isn't a big deal, and can be worked around. Kind of. At least now I know for future games that this bug exists.

(and it's a bug with the pre-built Unity 4 software that I don't have much control over).

I don't get to use Windows very much, so I don't know if the same bug exists on Windows --- but the game did work on Windows, so here's hoping.

The best workaround to the small bug I found on Mac can be fixed, if you even want to fix it (because it's not that big of a problem) by switching your Logitech F310 to Xbox mode, installing Xbox 360 controller drivers on your mac, and that does fix the bug.

But it's not a real big bug.

The bug is worst on my joystick on my mac, can be worked around, but works perfectly in Linux.

Oh --- I guess I might as well specify what the Mac bug is::::

The XKey is premapped to Joystick Button 0 in the game.

Changing that mapping in Linux works fine and easy.

In Mac, if you map Joystick Button 0 to Submit and then change XKey to something else, for some reason the computer still thinks the XKey is button 0.

It's not my fault that this bug exists -- it's a preexisting Unity 4 bug I think, but now that I know about it, I'll take that into consideration when releasing future games.

And finally, it comes with the LBRY territory that there's no easy way to update games files. What's done is done. No version control in LBRY. Oh well. Maybe someday I'll learn how to release update patches --- who knows. Oh well.

But, as far as I'm aware, that bug exists only on the mac version ---- so if you do as the Readme says and install it in a Linux Virtual Machine -- the Linux version works a little bit better.

The game is set to cost about 30 cents USD.

Monday, September 2, 2019

Today's Scripture

My scripture of the day today is:

Ecclesiastes 1:18.

"For in much wisdom is much grief: he that increaseth in knowledge increaseth in sorrow."

This is my scripture of the day today because it sums me up pretty well.

I would say that I am a man who knows quite a bit ------ but I look at my life and I find so much of what happened to be entirely regrettable.

Since the day I was baptized::: I was trying to be the best I could be.

But other people evidently weren't trying to be the best they could be --- and there was nothing I could really do to change that.

And it is oh so regrettable, looking back.

I actually feel sorrow enough in my life. I just realize, with my knowledge, how wrong things were --- and I don't enjoy the memories or the feelings they produce.

Is there comfort for me? yes there is actually:::: from time to time I'll feel myself start to feel better, as though the holy ghost is comforting me.

I have enough knowledge and wisdom and life experience that it is actually kind of hard for me to be happy.

BUT::::: seeing Ecclesiastes 1:18 actually brings me comfort as well - because an ancient text understands and realizes what I'm going through ---- this phenomenon was not unknown even in old times.

So - that's my scripture of the day.

I just have so many regrettable things I remember. And I couldn't change much of any of it (because I don't control others).

Sunday, September 1, 2019

Getting Linux to Work Properly

OK - so it was only just yesterday that I thought I would put myself up to a test of not writing on my blog for 2 months to see if I can bring myself to shut it down.

The test already failed.

This morning I was thinking about the original purpose of why I started writing this stuff anyway --- and it might still be relevant, so I figure maybe I should keep my blog up just as a reminder of that stuff.

But then I felt a real urge to write again about this following subject:

I really quite like Ubuntu 18.04.

But, as can be expected with Linux --- it's not absolutely perfect.

My NUC, which I have Ubuntu installed on, has a microphone/headphone port.

Yes --- what I mean is there are certain kinds of headsets that can be plugged into that kind of port, and the one port operates as both microphone input and headphone output at the same time.

The same kind of port works perfectly on my macs.

But my Ubuntu machine -- which has this port -- will ONLY PLAY AUDIO from this port. It will not simultaneously function as an audio input.

It would be nice if this could be fixed. I have no idea how resources are with Linux Devs ---- so maybe it's too much to ask ----- but I just thought I'd post this to create awareness of the problem.

Maybe I could've posted a video on LBRY about this---- but no, it seems more appropriate to make videos about how cool things are when they work rather than to report things that need to be fixed.

A blog post seems more appropriate to point out something that should be fixed.

maybe that's just me though.

Saturday, August 31, 2019

If I can stop for two months

I'm kind of wondering if I should just give up.

To be honest: this blog has been a pretty good way for me to talk about things which helped me avoid sending too much email to people.

But:: do I have anything really worthwhile to share with the world anymore?

When I was young, I saw how badly behaved people were and I wanted to be a force for morality in the world.

But morality is a kind of subjective topic.

And the church got really confusing.

And my family, by my own reckoning, is no great example on how to behave.

Maybe I personally was trying real hard ----- but I can see how my family wasn't ------- and that isn't helpful.

It might just be that I have nothing really useful to add to public conversation anymore.

Simple fact is that I wanted to teach people common sense things like "Don't hypnotize others to do really bad things" ---- it should be obvious that this would be moral law, except so many people I knew when I was young didn't seem to realize it.

BUT ----- there are so many other channels and websites and teachers out there who do a great job of exemplifying morality -------- and I kind of feel unnecessary now.

I kind of wonder if I should give myself a test:::

If I can stop posting on my blog, and stop feeling like I should post on my blog, for two whole months ----- 

maybe then I can just back up my files and "shutdown" this website.

If I feel no great need to say anything anymore for two months::: then maybe it's time to stop.

OUYA was fun ------ but that's not happening anymore.

I don't really have an excuse to be in business anymore.

Maybe I'll keep my URL and come back as a musician or something. Who knows.

Anyway ----- I just don't think I have much of anything useful to add anymore ----- maybe this is just a momentary feeling, so I will give myself 2 months ----- so we'll see.

I will finally say this:::::

There's a new video platform that's been created that competes with Youtube.

It's called LBRY and can be found at

I've put up a few videos there on my own channel ------ maybe that's where I can talk from now on if I have anything to say.

Anyway ----- this blog has largely been useful as a way of limiting the amount of personal email I send ----- but I'm not sure I have anything useful to tell the public anymore.

Just try to be good people ------ exemplify righteousness.

That's all I really wanted to say ever since I was young.

Friday, August 30, 2019

Another Mood Swing and Learned New Music

So::: remember that medical treatment for that benign condition that probably won't kill me that I couldn't pay for earlier because I donated all that money to charity?

Well --- I got my disability payment ----- and I was able to buy my medical treatment. I think I quite like it actually.

But today I went through another mood swing.

Early in the day, I felt like my life had been a train wreck ----- but then I swung into feeling much more happy and confident.

I think I can see why this would be considered a disability ----- there is such a difference between feeling good and confident, and not feeling good.

When you are not feeling good, you kind of feel like you can't operate or deal with people. You just want to hide --- or at least I kind of did.

But ----- during the confident good feeling part of my emotional time -- which I am still feeling -- I spontaneously decided I wanted to learn more music on my guitars.

So::: I pulled out my book of Rock and Pop songs, set up my music stand, and found a piece of music.

The first line on tablature contained only three notes.

I played those notes.

I recognized the first part of a famous tune you might hear on TV.

I looked at the next line of tablature.

The next 3 notes were really confusing and I had no idea exactly how to play them or how they related to the first 3 notes in the famous tune we should all know.

I looked at the whole piece of music:::

Though the first three notes clearly were the first part of a famous piece of music ----- the second half of that piece of music was contained NOWHERE in the tablature,

Anyway ----- I've not really "played by ear" before ----- but from memory and realizing how those first three notes sounded - I was able to figure out how to play the whole piece of music which was made so famous by tv or radio or whatever.

But then again --- Maybe I only THINK I know the whole music --- there's one note in the sequence which I played from ear/memory which I wonder if it's correct or not.

I think it is --- but I'm not sure.

Maybe it would help if I just played this song from the music book on Apple Music. According to the tab, it's not going to be what I just learned to play - but the first three notes compare ---

and I just wonder about those confusing next 3 notes.


So ---- In the confidence part of a mood swing sequence I spontaneously decided to learn some more music. yay me.

Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Remembering something I blocked out

In my last post, I said I would probably find my bliss only if I felt good and forgot my past at the same time

But a little while ago I actually remembered something I had blocked out.

The memory was so painful and bad that I had to stop thinking about it for a very long time in order to get close to getting back on my feet.

In my mind, I figure what happened was so bad that I shouldn't dare talk about it. I mention it in my book ---------- but I blocked out the memory, and remembering it was like, it was heavy.

But ------ though I would want to shy away from talking about this subject on my blog ---------

I actually feel, perhaps mystically, empowered to write about it.

I mean -------- Youtube does have videos about suicide prevention and stuff ----- so maybe that's a relatable topic which is allowed. Maybe I can venture further and talk about::::

When I was young I was suicidal. Ballerinagirl knew I was suicidal. I told her. In the end, when I told her the last time about my idea that could or should just kill myself: she said she didn't care.

Obviously, there were some good reasons to put me into psychiatry after that.

What can I say? The Book of Finch is a whole story ------ it's actually a really, really bad story I guess.

My life wasn't very enjoyable for a long time. It was pretty much just good-hearted school teachers who kept me going for a long time. And then the psychiatrists kept me going, I guess.

My home situation wasn't the best, my school situation wasn't the best despite being considered a good student ----------

The church situation deteriorated very quickly --------

But the PROVINCIAL GOVERNMENT through school teachers and psychiatrists gave me the encouragement I needed to keep going. It seemed so much like there was so much against me ----- but the provincial government pulled me through. As I remember right now.

Basically::::: there was a lot wrong socially in my life back then ------ and I guess it all culminated with a statement by the girl I loved that she didn't care if I did myself in.

She may not have been personally entirely responsible for what she said ---- there may have been someone else pulling her strings.

But anyway ---- the rest is history ---- you can read my horrible horrible life story about how I got through that.

This is the kind of thing I would shy away from talking about on my blog in my own mind ---- but whatever it is, whether it's some mystic force or the holy ghost, is making me feel empowered to write about it.

I kind of feel scared to post a post on that memory.

I'll just say I have some realization the Ballerinagirl might not be fully guilty even though she's the one who said it and you'd think she should have been more caring.

But it is also a VERY SERIOUSLY WRONG kind of thing to say. NO ONE should behave that way.

Blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy.

(but in all seriousness::: I do feel kind of scared to post this)

Feeling Better?

Yesterday I said I was feeling down.

The feelings didn't improve until I said a prayer to God asking Him to help me feel better. (not the exact words of the prayer).

Anyway ----- it was a miracle ------ just simply by asking God to make me feel better: he made me feel better.

I've been feeling so much better ever since that prayer.

And yes ---- amazingly it was at the moment I asked to feel better that I started feeling better.

No drugs or anti-depressants needed.

Today's injection day: I still haven't gotten my injection yet: I'm on the lowest dosage of my medication in the cycle: I went from feeling down to feeling a lot better just by asking God for help to feel better.

Anyway ----- though I am FEELING better ------

In my mind, in my knowledge, I know and just remember ideas of how bad my life was. I still haven't escaped from the past. I need to forget.

There was a period of my life where I was pretty much miraculously forgetting the past and I enjoyed it very much --------

But for me to be truly happy, I suppose, I have to feel good, as well as just completely forget what I went through in my life.

And completely forgetting things in my life would not be a small thing::: it would be obvious that I'm disabled if I just forgot large portions or important events in my life.

But forgetting is how I'd be happy. Not just feeling happy, but mentally happy too ---- without having the garbage of the past cluttering the back of my mind.

Is it important to forget? In order to feel truly happy --- probably.

But what am I losing, what am I giving up by forgetting so much of my life? My sanity perhaps?

I would have to be considered disabled --- having lived such a life, forgotten big parts of it, and just live in bliss with no memories ----- I would be disabled at that point, like amnesia.

Maybe that's the way to go.

Could there, however, be anything said about remembering the bad -- acknowledging the effects -- and warning others about such behaviours? Maybe that would be good too ---- although it would be a difficult process to try to complete. Maybe I've already been doing it, maybe.

So:::: I feel better. Just asking God for help made me feel better.

I suppose, however, that such a solution might not always work.


When I was initially diagnosed with schizophrenia ----- there was absolutely zero attempt by anyone to bless me back to mental health.

In fact, it's quite possible that the whole reason I became schizophrenic is because that's what certain people were going for.

If people were trying to drive me mad ----- and no one is attempting to bless me to get better -----

That might be a situation where God might not be so helpful, and the doctors might feel justified in putting me on medications.

Yeah--- my life just wasn't the greatest ---- I've mentioned that already.

But at least I can feel good now. Thank God.

Removing Ads

For a long time, my blog had no ads.

And then on Youtube, I started seeing videos about making money from ads on blogs.

I took that as a hint to put ads on my blog because they wanted me to.

Today I received a notification of some policy changes coming to the ads -----

I read the changes -------

And I realized that on my blog I talk about MY LIFE ----- and MY LIFE has been so messed up in so many ways that I'd rather not risk a policy violation.

And then I also know everyone pretty much uses some form AdBlock so I wasn't making money anyway (not much at least) -------

So I decided to remove ads from my blog again.

I wasn't making money, and my life has been messed up enough that writing a blog about my life is not worth a policy violation.

I'm going to keep my ads account safe until maybe someday I find a use case for it where I'm not talking about messed up life experiences.

Like:::: if I invented something, and wanted to show ads on my invention's website. Something like that:::: save my ads account for something I know would not violate anything.

But yeah --- I just wasn't making money,

and my life was a very bad place to be for a very long time ----- so I could MAYBE easily infringe on policy.

No more ads on this blog.

NOTE:::: I've had good moments in my life. Probably the best moments in my life were my school teachers educating and encouraging me and praising me. I was a really good student. If I have anything to be happy about, it's how I was a good student. But that's not what I focus on all the time.

I would seem kind of conceited if I just sat around on my blog talking about how awesome me and my life are all the time, wouldn't I?

And to be honest, it's just not important to talk about how awesome I was as a student ---- that's not important to talk about.

Tuesday, August 27, 2019

Wanting a Perfect World (Everyone to be happy)

Today I feel sombre.

I thought about an old statement my Mom would repeat from the church.

The statement was something like this:::

"No amount of success can compensate for failure in the home".

This is kind of true. I didn't even get paid for my work, and I still feel we are kind of a wealthy family now.

And though these days we enjoy certain things I could never have imagined of when I was a kid --- the simple fact is ---

though we have done pretty well overall ------ I remember too much bs in my childhood to really think we succeeded in the home.

My childhood wasn't the best. We did turn on sort of ok. but only sort of. Not really. Things could have been better.

And we may have greater wealth than before (despite not getting paid for my own projects) --- but though we are doing "well" ----- I still feel sad.

Maybe it's just memories of my past.

But when I started writing this blog post I realized I wish the whole world was happy, that we could all succeed in life.

We probably don't live in a perfect world so this might not happen,

But I am basically feeling bummed about two things::::

1) My home life as a child was kind of a fail

2) I wish everyone in the world could succeed in life.

What can I do to make a difference for people?

The best I can say is I have some understanding that The Law of Attraction is real (even if my parents reject the idea) ------

And I will say maybe what has helped me to this point in my life is me just repeating this phrase every day::::

"Happy, healthy, wealthy, righteous, loving, peaceful, intelligent, good sanity, humble, positive, lucky, frugal, thrifty ---- good eyesight, balance, generosity, long life, musical, skinny and athletic"

I repeat that phrase at least once every day with a belief the Universe will guide me by those values.

I added "skinny and athletic" on the end in an effort to lose weight. I'm eating more salads now. yay.

I've had help in life being guided by various good ideas ----- and I guess the help I can put into the world right now is in the form of the above phrase.

Just repeat that phrase every day with a belief it will be so. That's what I do, that's how i believe I improve my own life.

And I wish everyone could be happy.

But I am well aware the world isn't perfect.

Maybe we can have a miracle. Who knows.

Monday, August 26, 2019

Church Reasons why I can't work

So::: seeing as how my last few posts are about me getting back to work on my projects,

today I was discussing a bunch of the same old stuff with my brother again ---- and I remembered something.

When I was on my way to grow up from priests' quorum in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ------- our Sunday School taught us something very important.

The church taught that you can have your blessings ONLY IF you follow all the church rules and are perfectly obedient to them.

that means if you don't follow the rules --- then you aren't allowed to have your blessings.

What does that mean for me and my brother?

That means because he and I drink coffee and masturbate that we are NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE JOBS OR WORK FOR A LIVING.

I know, it's the strangest thing ---- but if you look at my patriarchal blessing, providing for my family was one of the blessings I was supposed to have ----- so because I don't follow church rules perfect, I am actually not allowed to work for a living.

There are, of course, reasons why we don't believe this or the rest of the church anymore (so we don't take it seriously).

Some reasons are::::

1) If my eyewitness of Jesus Christ is correct, Jesus Christ doesn't even follow Church rules.

2) The church always required forgiveness but never dished out forgiveness ---- we don't trust them because of this.

3) When I first "sinned" --- I wasn't choosing to sin. I am absolutely serious when I say I was molested by a ghost. I wasn't even rubbing myself. And yet it happened anyway. I'm technically not responsible for the action, although the church didn't really care.

The church couldn't let a ghost be blamed for what happened ---- but it also wasn't really my own choice to do that ------ so this is a gray area where I know I'm not really guilty but the church doesn't want the actual explanation.

yeah. Anyway --------

I just thought I'd post about my old archaic knowledge of church rules from when I was young because of how it applies to me now:::

I'm planning on getting back to work,

but according to the church, I'm not allowed to work because I'm not perfect enough.

When you think about it, the whole thing is just crazy.

Why? Because they say to be forgiven it takes a lot of hard work.

But if you aren't allowed to work because of your unworthiness, then how are you supposed to do that hard work?

No idea --- it's just crazy.

I apologize if this seems like I'm saying more than I should ---- but this is honestly the things I know about the church I grew up in.

Lots of people have lots of complaints about the church, so it's not really any different for me to mention this.

So:::: maybe the reason I'm considered disabled, besides a belief in miracles, is because the Church doesn't allow me to work because I don't perfectly follow their rules.


Saturday, August 24, 2019

Getting to Work

Shortly after writing that post about phone scams, I received notification from a phone call I didn't receive from a different bank than 2 posts ago.

This is one of the few times I'd take a non-family call seriously. But my family is still inclined to ignore anyway.

This bank has also been offering me money.

And I realize two posts ago I felt encouraged to borrow some so I could work again.

But now I don't have to. I don't have to borrow anymore.

Things will probably work out just fine now, and I didn't have to borrow a cent.

How did I accomplish this?

I offered a subsidy to someone so they could buy new equipment, and in exchange, I get the used equipment that will be replaced.

The person took the offer.

I will soon have the likely equipment I'd need in order to do what I want to do.

Everything will be just fine.

I realized I didn't need the exact latest equipment for myself anymore ---- so I offered money as a subsidy for someone else's new equipment and I get the old equipment which will do the job most likely.

Cheaper than borrowing money. Gets the job done.

I'm quite happy/proud of myself now for that.

Yay, I am so smart.

Anyway ----- so though we ignore a lot of calls, we realize we can trust a phone call from the bank ---- although I no longer need it because of my ingenuity in managing resources. Yay.

Phone Scams

There are way too many crap calls on the telephone.

Our family is in the habit of not listening to them.

We recently got a phone call that claimed to be asking for big donations to a provincial political party.

After my Dad thought about it, he realized it probably wasn't even really real.

It's just someone, most likely, trying to take our money.

Thankfully, my Dad has a history of NEVER donating to anything over the phone.

But yeah --- we got a call from a political party asking for donations and my Dad had this idea that this wasn't likely going to be a real call --- he figured it was probably a scam.

A while back, I posted on this blog about a phone call I received. I eventually deleted the blog post because it didn't seem important anymore.

The phonecall said something about appearing before a magistrate over criminal charges or something.

I didn't believe it ---- we've had calls something like that before, and we don't take them seriously.

If the police want me --- they can come get me.

At least send me something in writing.

But phone calls are one of the last things we'd ever believe. There is way too much crap on the telephone. We pretty much use telephones ONLY for inter-family relations and very little more.

As for the police coming for me:::: days later I saw a police vehicle patrol past my house. And they took absolutely zero interest in me.

I get a phonecall telling me about some kind of thing about criminal charges or something ---- but the police aren't charging in to arrest me nor are they even caring as they drive past my house.

I just can't trust the telephone.

Anyone could make up some friggin' phonecall like that and cause any number of problems with it. I don't feel inclined to believe such things.

It's been quite a while since that phonecall said what it said ---- and I've received no writings nor have the police expressed any interest.

It really was probably bogus.

My life has been full of turmoil ---- but if you have a brain you'd realize I've been doing my best to live the best I can ------- different people believe different things, but so many things that supposedly went wrong around me -- I wasn't even capable of doing that. So, no, I'm not really worried about the police coming to get me. I do my best.

And to me it's obvious that so many people around me don't even come close to trying to do the right thing, so there are other explanations for how things happen. I shouldn't have anything to worry about, I'm guessing -- because I've always or almost always tried to be a good boy.

In our family, we often, 99% of the time just don't take the telephone seriously.

It's a device for inter-family communication and very little more.

We realize we just shouldn't bother with so many of the calls we receive.

Friday, August 23, 2019


I looked at again and saw they are getting into business and accepting new developers,

so then I felt REALLY encouraged to start again.

so I thought I would accept my bank's pre-approval.

Problem:::: I have a hard time knowing if I should tell them I'm disabled or self-employed.

One bank views me as self-employed, the other as disabled.

My own confusion in filling out the form might've inspired them to withdraw the pre-approval.

So::: I'm considered Disabled ---- but I am also Self Employed -------

But "Disabled/Self-Employed" is NOT an option.

There is "Disabled/Unemployed" and "Self-Employed" ------- and I'm just not sure which to choose because I haven't made money from my actual work yet -------

So, my application to borrow money, even from a pre-approval, was already rejected.

It's just kind of confusing. Well, maybe I can borrow from that other source I mentioned at an even better rate.

Oh well. Too bad for me and the bank on this I guess.

I get my income from disability, but I do work, but not make much money from work so far, so just confusing.

Feels Like Encouragement

I got some mail today.

Just like last year, this year I received another one of those local Albertan Construction Supply Catalogues.

The address on the Catalogue even refers to me as "Proprietor". Someone is actually aware of me.

Anyone who knows me knows that construction, so far, has not been my forte.

I have only about ten or eleven dollars in my bank account right now --- and I have a bit less than ten dollars in cash.

But ---- the Bank also wrote to me today to tell me they are offering me a big loan at a decent interest rate.

I feel like I'm being encouraged to do something again.

I have to say --- after all these years of being unable to actually sell anything, I do feel discouraged about being in business --- when no one was ever really buying --- why would I ever expect that to change?

But then again ----- I am being encouraged. Try again they are saying.

I took only one shop class in all my schooling ---- and I wasn't very good at it, so construction might not be my thing.

But if I used some of that offered debt to buy new equipment ---- then I might feel refreshed again, maybe even enough to try another game and try to sell it. Maybe. I have no real ideas right now.

There is another non-bank source I could also try borrowing from that might offer me an even better rate --- so it's possible.

I'm happy I'm being encouraged to work. That actually makes me feel good.

I could probably find something to do if I thought about it hard enough --- like if I built another video game --- and this time I'd be able to make my own in game music with my own guitars! yay!

Going into debt doesn't sound like much fun to me ---- but then again ---- rather than wasting lots of time to save up for necessary equipment, why not borrow and get to work right away?

That's the big conundrum. Borrowing isn't fun, but it allows you to do stuff faster.

I'll have to think about this stuff ---- I don't have any big ideas right now except to maybe re-do my Bananatree games --- but if I get an idea for a project, who knows, maybe I could get back to work, especially with encouragement.

My Dad says it's good to work. I agree. It's just too bad that I'd be going into debt to do it.


I have a NUC I wrote a bit of a review for on this blog.

For a long while I used the NUC as a home server.

Then, more recently, I decided I would install android x86 on the NUC and see how it ran my games. It worked with what I tried, and that was fun and exciting.

But even more recently I decided I wanted to use my NUC as a desktop so I installed Ubuntu 18.04 on it. This is the first time I've used Gnome 3.

I have to say, Gnome 3 is actually really quite impressive to me, despite its differentness and simplicity.

And then I decided to install some choice software on my NUC ---- someone like my Mom would never be able to do what I do.

My Mom and Dad often need my help to push a button three times in order to watch tv ----- so the amount of configuration that went into installing this Linux software would probably be too much for them especially my Mom.

Anyway ---- computers are more of my forte ------- so I'd probably think about developing software again, I guess.

It would be nice if my Sister could help me with game art or something though --- because she can draw and paint ----- although, now she's busy taking care of kids and beekeeping -- I'm quite proud of her for that ---- but if I am to be a successful video game dev, she might need to help with artwork. That WOULD be nice actually.

I often have bad memories of my childhood with my sister, but as an adult, she's really quite a lot more likeable. Doing a project together might be fun.

It's just the going into debt part. I don't want debt. but it might be necessary.

You know what???? My life has been such a mess ------

And it feels SO GOOD to actually BE ENCOURAGED to do something. I just had a memory of other people encouraging me back a while ago too.

For a moment, now, I'm starting to feel driven to do something again. I'm feeling hopeful. But I feel crazy about going back into debt --- even though that's the only option that makes sense.

With how bad my life was, you'd think people might not like me, but if I'm actually encouraged to work ------- then that does feel good. It might be worth it.

I'd have to make sure this offer from the bank is the right kind of offer. it might be OK --- but I don't know for certain.

I programmed a debt calculator. If I were to take a loan, if I never got paid for my project, it might take me a couple years to pay the debt back.

Is that stress worth it?

But I have to admit --- it might be better than doing nothing.

I might fear people don't like me ----- but then again, I feel encouraged.

I have to think about it. So much to consider. I've got time.

I just feel crazy about going back into debt. I spent so much time and effort digging my way out ---- but money isn't everything ----- and in Christianity, you could be left with nothing anyway ------ so it could be worth a try.

Another problem is not having an ideas right now. Ideas can come, so it might just be about taking the first steps.

I feel crazy about this. Nervous.

Maybe I'm just reading into a construction catalogue too much. Seeing things that aren't there. Who knows.

Wednesday, August 21, 2019

Seeing Things

What I'm about to say is the kind of thing I would hear in Church Lore all the time growing up --- I heard it so much it was pretty much second nature to understand that this is how reality is meant to be.

Of course, this kind of thing is also exactly the kind of thing Psychiatrists would force you on drugs over ------ they didn't believe in the magical or miraculous occurrences ----- I'm fine with both "magical" and "miraculous" to describe such things, but I know some people don't like the word "magic".

OK ----- so this sort of thing is something I've been recording in my writing pretty much ever since I wrote Letters to Whomever.

I tend to believe a lot of the lights I see are just headlights from passing cars. That's my safe assumption.

If they aren't just headlights from passing cars ---- then I am a very haunted man indeed.

Anyway ----- Over the past few weeks, I guess following the bad feelings from church my Mom was having ---- the bad feelings left (except for the heartache I reported earlier, but my Mom seems to be feeling better) ---------

Well, again I've noticed things like lights in my room ----- and they are most noticeably there when they disappear.

What I mean is ---- there will be a light in the room, but I won't realize it until it's gone. And then I am spooked.

I've made some progression just this evening in these kinds of sightings.

I sat down on my bed in my dark bedroom and grabbed my iPad to play with that -------

But then I noticed my bedroom was half-filled with fire.

Only for a moment though.

The best I can describe it as was fire. It was a big orangy firey light, taking up half my bedroom.

But it disappeared as quickly as it appeared.

Really strange stuff.

Maybe I shouldn't say it on my blog, as Mormons would say ----- but I've got nowhere else useful to put it.

Besides ----- these kinds of stories were second-nature when I was growing up in church ------ so I guess I might as well share too, as so much was shared with me.

Growing up in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ----- this is exactly the kind of thing you would EXPECT to happen ------ not just some brain chemical theory.

So yeah ---------- this stuff has been going on for a very long time ------- but this evening something a little bit different happened --------- momentarily my room was half-filled with fire ----- not a white light this time.

I wonder how this stuff will progress.

Feeling Heartbroken

I'm back to feeling heartbroken again.

I feel literally heartbroken.

Not any really big bad events in my own personal life recently,

I just happen to live with memories of how bad things got in my life, and how wrong it was --- and if there was a solution it was not easily found.

And then there's all the evil that happens in the rest of the world too.

It's all heartbreaking.

The reason I'm writing this post is because back years ago, when I was initially introduced to psychiatry,

I was told they would put me on drugs to "make me feel better".

But with all the evil in the world ----- is it really appropriate to feel good about all that evil?

Personally, I don't think so. Something doesn't seem right about that.

I can understand why one wouldn't want to feel this way ---- it's not a pleasant feeling ------

And I heard females are very much feelings-based type people so maybe they are especially bummed out by such feelings --------

But though these feelings of heartbrokenness aren't pleasant ----- it's NOT WRONG to feel this way.

I think it may actually be appropriate to feel this way, with all the evil in my lifetime, and all the evil in the world.

Things went very wrong in my life. I thank God I was given the wisdom to do my best and be as good as I could possibly be ---- because with how bad things were if I wasn't really on-the-ball then things would have been way more screwed up.

Though feelings of heartbrokenness aren't pleasant ---- they ARE appropriate.

Taking drugs to try to feel better about an evil world doesn't fit me very well in how I think.

So it's just kind of interesting how I was being forced on drugs either to a) make me feel better (inappropriate) b) make me disbelieve in God (also wrong) or c) force a change in my behaviour (and what's wrong with this is my behaviour only became that way in response to initially being forced on drugs).

Psychiatry did do me some good  ---- there was some good in it ------ but it wasn't the drugs or the drugging that was the good stuff.

The good stuff was actual logical reasoning and discussion about the issues. Not the drugs.

But yeah, anway ---- I literally feel heartbroken about everything.

Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Revelation Novelty

The topic I have on my mind today is one of those things that just helps you know that GOD IS VERY REAL ------- Under "normal reality" such a thing happening would be considered impossible, and as such what happened could only happen with God.

So:::: I've had and heard many complaints against The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints over the years.

I'll just say that they were inconsistent here. No need to explain more.

But in my life experience, I had personal revelation which I later found could be verified in the church, and there was really no explanation for it other than GOD (unless you believe my old Bishop who might've said it was the Devil).

When I was young, long before I was old enough to become an elder (I was an "Aaronic Priesthood Holder") ------- I made, through personal prayer, an agreement with GOD.

Years later and after much study, I found out that this agreement with God MIGHT be one of the Church's Temple Covenants.

I never went to the temple.

And I did not agree to all the temple covenants ---- I agreed to pretty much just one as far as I remember ---------

For the sake of the Church's sanity, I won't print that agreement here, although I did print it in my book, and was later told I was revealing temple-only information in my book (I had no idea it was temple-only information).

So:::: without revealing the agreement here,

All I will say, after years of experience and more learning ----------- Well, the agreement was actually very interesting considering what it was an agreement for.

Now that I know what I know, strange and peculiar indeed.

Back then, when I was talking personally with God making the agreement ----- the agreement made perfect sense --------- but now that I've learned more and have more experience and knowledge ------- I now have every idea that the agreement is actually very strange and peculiar.

And, as near as I could tell ------ it was real.

So, there are points against the Church (obviously) ------- but there are those little magical points that make the Church-God kind of thing stand out as even being somehow realistic ----- although, yes, odd, strange, peculiar.


I don't really follow that Church anymore, I largely ignore them now (mostly).

But in my studies ------- I recently found videos by Jesus-followers, different groups of Jesus-followers, not just one source, but these things can be found in the words of multiple witnesses from different places (online) ---------

I now have a very good idea of why Traditional Western Christianity isn't exactly right.

So:::: Joseph Smith Jr. was on the right track when he wouldn't accept any church ------ because most churches did seem to get it wrong, according to the learning I have.

Joseph Smith's church changed drastically over time ----- and well, I'm not sure he got it right either ------

But the non-Standard Church, though corrupt in its own way -------- did appear to be on to something.

There is knowledge out there about true or truer Christianity --------- so though The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was kind of on the right track, in my experience they kind of also got derailed.

So:::::: To me, this is important stuff ---------

I just wish to tell my readers that they can find the actual truth ------ or more truth I guess ----- but I'd personally say it is kind of an intellectual endeavour, so I'm not sure how God is gonna judge people about this stuff.

I would love to mention my sources in this blog post ------ except I'm in a habit of typically not personally identifying anyone ever (I talk about others in vague terms publicly) ------ so I won't.

Just know the truth, or greater truth is out there.

There are reasons why The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints might've got more right than traditional western Christians (as I now understand) ------- but the church I grew up in still failed anyway it seems.

I guess it might just be an extremely intellectual undertaking, and I'm not sure everyone is up to it.