Monday, December 31, 2018

A Really Fun Dream

It's now 3:03am. I woke up at about 2am. I feel well rested. I don't see much hope for me falling asleep again this morning, so I'm just going to do what I normally do in the morning. Drink coffee, sit around, think, ponder, maybe read.

But the dream I had before I awoke, the dream that awoke me to feeling well rested at 2am.

There were three parts:::

1) I took my guitar, (an acoustic guitar), fretted my fingers into A Major, and started trying different strumming styles or patterns.

Though my guitar is acoustic, for some reason the music was sounding very electric, and I sounded excellent and made different types of sounds based on different ways of strumming.

I have to say:::: I'm really still only a beginner at guitar in real life, I"ll just accept this part of my dream as encouragement to try strumming in other experimental ways rather than just downstrokes that I've been used to.

I have no idea if different types of strumming will really make me sound that good ---- and an indication the dream was unrealistic is how the acoustic sounded electric. But it sure was fun!

Part 2) I decided to show my new playing style to my sister. All of the sudden my guitar playing sounded very Hawaiian.

I'm guessing this might be because my sister is teaching her kids to play the Ukelele, and the Ukelele is a Hawaiian instrument. Who knows why my 6-string guitar was sounding Hawaiian in the dream though. I don't know.

Part 3) A band, in my dream, invited me to rehearse with them. They wanted to hear me play. I asked what Chord they wanted. They said "E Minor". The fun thing is that I actually know what that Chord is too, and I was consciously able to play it in my dream. I was doing some more of that strumming stuff from Part 1, when I woke up.

The dream of playing guitar and sounding good was just such fun for me. Obviously, the dream wasn't entirely realistic, but it almost felt like an encouragement to develop my skills.

How am I doing in guitar in my waking life? Well, during the Christmas Season  I was rehearsing one song over and over again::: Jingle Bells. My parents were telling me I was getting better and better.

In practice, I was able to switch between G Major and C Major and made it sound at least decent if not good ----- but when actually playing, my switch from G Major to C Major could have been better I think.

Because Christmas is over, I switched to a non-Christmas Guitar book and have been learning a bit about a different piece of music. I've learned a bit about playing Tabulature now ---- but some of the upcoming music I"ll be learning looks really difficult in the Tab.

And of course, I would probably want to get an electric guitar ----- but there are three things holding me back:::: 1) Where would I put it? 2) Coming up with the money and 3) My parents think one guitar is enough because an electric might be too loud.

But I really have to say::: Learning an instrument and learning to play IS ACTUALLY FUN.

All throughout my schooling days, Music class was never in my style. I never even took a music class except for maybe a bit of Mandatory music in Elementary school.

I'm realizing how much I've missed out now. Music just wasn't a part of my family's ability I guess. I am noting that my family just wasn't very musical, so I stayed away from Music in school.

Why finally get into music? Thanks to the inspiration of Avril Lavigne really. And I am thankful for it. It took me a very long time to finally make the leap.


In other news:::::

My Mom basically more or less enforces Sabbath Day observance in our home now ------ so on Sundays I don't go anywhere usually

But the good news is this:::: when I was having illness problems, part of my illness was a very big loss of my attention span or my attention abilities.

But, I've now recovered well enough that I can sit down and play a video game for 2 hours. I only stopped playing because I figured I should --- so I could stand rather than just sit down.

I also had a 2 hour period of sitting in my really comfy chair and reading a book. Again, I decided to stand because I figured it might be a good idea to get back up again.

Yeah. So when I was ill my attention span was really, really suffering. Now that I'm recovering, I can sit there and engage in an activity for 2 hours straight. This is wonderful. I am so happy. My brain is coming back to me.


Friday, December 28, 2018

Reading a Book Written by someone I probably once knew

So last week I think it was I decided to Google some names of old friends I knew.

One of the names revealed a series of books.

The name of the author and the name of my old friend were the same, as far as I am aware.

I bought his book, and have been reading bits of it.

On a side note:::::: I was having really good luck with the lottery for quite a while before I bought this book -------- I fear by having bought this book I've besmirched the goodness of my own name and have brought bad luck on myself. This may be seen as a joke, but it might be a well-founded fear.

So:::: This is a book about religion.

And the kind of religious belief expressed in the book is similar to what I knew of my old friend with the same name as the author.

I am willing to bet the author of this book really is someone I once knew.

And based on my relationship with him at that time, well, this book explains a lot.

The author doesn't believe in hell.

Well, not believing in hell would explain why the class at school he was a part of was so completely misbehaved.

This book appears to be a kind of religious thought trying to merge Christianity with Buddhism (which is something I would believe to be true about my old friend) ----- but I'm pretty sure in Christianity there is a hell, and in Buddhism there is also basically an equivalent of hell in the afterlife -------- so seeing as how he's trying to combine two religions that both believe in some horrible hereafter, and then tries to explain in his version that such a horrible hereafter as hell does not exist -----

well, I'll just say my old friend from school was entirely confused.  And yes, after looking at the writing in this book, I am 99% certain I knew the author at one time.

The other comment I will leave about this book:::: The book tries to be some kind of "ascended masters'" teachings book, so it's just strange how it doesn't even touch on metaphysical laws like the Law of Attraction.

It DOES mention karma ----- but there's really no discussion on metaphysical laws, so I'll have to guess that yes, this book is by someone I once knew, but I don't put any trust in it.

Especially as he took two religions that both believe in some form of hell, and mixed them together and then said: "there is no hell".  He is confused as ever.

But yeah ---- the class he came from was entirely misbehaved, so what can I expect?


In other news, I created another small development project on my 1.4ghz Mac Mini. It's just a small project to do a large number of calculations.

I'm saying this just so I can observe that there really is a reason dev-type computers are typically high-end ------ the 1.4ghz Mac mini is just so slow for development. Yeah.

Thursday, December 27, 2018

The Problem with Capitalism

so:: I'm really questioning that Christmas Day switch that flipped in my brain ------

Capitalism has its problems.

Such as::: even if you really did try working, any number of things may go wrong such as people just not paying you for your work. And then you're out of luck.

The only reason I've been able to get by is because of the provincial disability payments I receive.

Though I was working from 2010 up until very recent years:::: typically, people just decided to NOT pay me a blasted cent.

There's nothing reliable about making a living through such a system!! and if part of the problem is that people just don't have money, then I guess society is just screwed as a whole then, isn't it?

Yeah ---- that's a very basic problem that might exist in capitalism:::::: not getting paid regardless of how hard you've tried.

And another problem might be that there's no employment or you've got no good ideas. Then you are hosed there too.

For SOME reason they say Universal Basic Income is not socialism::::: whatever that reason is, it just becomes notable that benefits from the government might ever become necessary to survive.

So::::: just in a few sentences, I've come up with some very real-world explanations for why capitalism doesn't work.

There's always a complete likelihood that you'll need some kind of benefit from the government. It may not be outright socialism:::: but it's definitely not quite capitalism either.

So::::: maybe my brain just wasn't working properly, maybe I was having a "pipe-dream" for a moment on Christmas.

Yeah ----- a simple problem with capitalism might be that it doesn't matter how hard you try:::: people might just decide not to pay you. at all. Then you're hosed.

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Second Guessing Myself?

I was just thinking about how my main form of income comes from disability and how, according to the news, there are a lot of people who don't have any money.

I'm so glad that I've been hearing rumors::::

Hopefully someday coming we'll get Universal Basic Income implemented.

According to what some say, UBI (or National Basic Income as it might become called in Canada) is not socialism::: it's just a natural way of taking care of citizens who may become unemployed due to factors such as the mechanization of the workforce.

I suppose a reason I would go capitalistic is the idea of PROFIT MOTIVE ---- The very reason you do things is to try to make money, and you want to do the best you can at what you do so you make more money.

Is this a bad thing? It helps to create some quality control when you are operating for a profit rather than being forced to live with the same income as everyone else regardless of effort.

The basic idea behind socialism is economic equality. Just making sure the playing field is even.

But the good thing about capitalism is that it encourages best practices and good habits:::: that way if you make good and smart decisions you'll make more money, and society benefits from your labors.

But it's also true that there are many poor people and finding employment for everyone can be a problem, especially for a family like mine where there is such disability, so something like UBI should probably be implemented to take care of those on hard times.

Why did I and my family have mental illness issues? I believe it's because GOD will basically, just give people what they want::::

And I know my sister had a name-calling habit ever since she was very young. From a very young age all the way to when I finally turned 17 and was diagnosed with schizophrenia, basically that whole time I had been called names by my sister, as she was deliberately trying to drive me crazy.

God just gave her what she wanted.

So:::: how did I recover?

I believe I recovered this way:::: I blessed myself through the law of attraction to make myself recover.

I became ill through my sister's cursing and the law of attraction.

I recover by blessing myself and the law of attraction.

I know the LDS church says that you are only allowed to bless others and NOT yourself -----

but that is a LIE.

The whole point of the Law of Attraction is to know what you want for your life, declare it, and take control of your own world and life living the way you want ---- rather than living at the whim of another person.

It was weird::: growing up as a young LDS Boy I was always being told about freedom and liberty in the church ------

but when it comes to brass tax, the church is really about control, and that freedom and liberty talk was a dishonest facade.

Anyway:::: don't rely on other people to tell you how your life should or will be::: decide that for yourself! Although, wisdom has been developed through the ages, and it's not a bad idea to take a hint from someone else's repository of knowledge. Decide what you want for yourself rather than be controlled ---- but seeking good advice might be a good thing too.

I could go on and on----- I'm basically just a bit mystified how the church made a rule that you aren't allowed to bless yourself ---- when in fact the whole point of the law of attraction is to bless yourself --- the church was just trying to control people.

Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Christmas Psychological Alterations in Myself

This is interesting.

It's Christmas time, as you can see from the date on this post.

and I feel like I'm being "renewed" into a "new person" psychologically again.

One thing I know about myself, is sometimes I have a way of just magically changing who I am and what I believe and what I want to accomplish.

When I was a young child in school, I was one of the best, and as such, I was a total believer in capitalism.

By the time I got my LDS Patriarchal blessing, mental illness had taken such a grip on my family and there was such influence from certain LDS doctrine that I switched from being a capitalist to more of a socialist.

I went a long time believing myself to be a socialist. It was mostly a survival thing because my family was really, really messed up and we might not have made it without social supports.

Anyway::::::: This Christmas time, tentatively, or so it seems:::: two "magical" changes in my psychology have appeared.

1) Yesterday, on Christmas Eve, I came to a realization that though Avril seems to sing about me, she spends the vast majority of her time with other men. Though I appreciate her and how she helped me try to climb out of the pit my family dug for itself, I have more realization now that I shouldn't focus so completely on her. I have other things I can do with my life, probably.

2) Today, Christmas, I was just laying in bed, when it felt like the Mormon Socialist Brainwashing had worn off and I came to realize what it was that I loved before I got my patriarchal blessing:::: Cool video games. And cool video games are better generated through a more capitalist system. Or, at least, that's how I'm seeing it in my supposition.

Basically, though for the past time the NDP has been in power in Alberta I figured they did a pretty good job, I am tempted to flip back to some form of conservatism or capitalism, in some form.

Although, I believe in a kind, caring and compassionate form of capitalism that is basically kind of charitable ----- a system that tries to take care of people regardless of government involvement.

I've got to go to Christmas Dinner now.

I'll just summarize this post by saying that switches appear have been flipped in my head this Christmas, and I feel like I've just suddenly decided (tentatively, I'll say) that I should focus less on Avril especially as she's often with other men, and that I just feel myself feeling more capitalistic now.

So yeah, I went from capitalist to socialist, and I'm just beginning, now to feel capitalistic again. Kind caring and compassionate capitalism, however.

Friday, December 21, 2018

Update on my Development Environment

So::: for a good long while I've wondered about how I could run the latest MacOS (Mojave) but still keep a legacy system of High Sierra around.

The short of it is::: My 2012 Mac Minic can now dual boot between Mojave and High Sierra, so now I can have both worlds.

I haven't tried running Unity 4 on Mojave yet ---- but the icon isn't . "crossed-out" ----- so that's probably a sign that it will run.

I'm not going to guarantee that I'll ever release a product ever again ---- but I'm going to try to work to see if I can keep updated in the case that I MIGHT release a product ever again.

OUYA was good because it was a great place to make your own stuff and publish it. It was a pretty decent system for a number of reasons.

Too bad it failed, although I understand that there were some controller problems and that people just weren't spending money. But OUYA was a great idea.

OUYA was far less intimidating a company to work with, in my mind if I wanted to publish with Apple or Google, I might feel a bit intimidated, as I see it in my mind, so I might just get too scared to even try.

Not to mention that OUYA was free to publish on while you will most likely pay some fees at a bigger platform.

Monday, December 10, 2018

Does School Actually Encourage Grandiose Delusions?

I was sitting chatting with my Mom about what my goals for life should be at this point when I realized something:

In school, one quote you'll probably inescapably hear is "Shoot for the moon --- even if you miss, you'll land among the stars".

I, being one of the top students, of course, was on a path in life that was like that.

When I was in elementary school, the teachers would ask what your plans for your future were, and for me, I would say I wanted to be a missionary and a teacher. These goals were mundane enough that I was able to get by with claiming this as a plan for my life.

But in Junior High School, sin crept into my life, and being honest about the supposed sin was difficult, so according to LDS Belief, in order to be forgiven of my sins, I had to work especially hard for Jesus.

Basically, I had a personal relationship with God, and plans for my future were becoming more and more extravagant --- such as an idea of making a million dollars and working as a lifetime servant of God.

But I could never go into full detail with ANYONE about what my plans for life were.

School would ask what my plans were, but I couldn't say anything. The best I could say on one occasion was "maybe I'll become a video game developer".

I think I remember once, however, that the teacher said whatever your parent is doing, you'll probably end up doing that do. Sadly, all I could say at that point was that my Dad was mostly unemployed, and perhaps my extravagant goals in life were helped driven by the fear of doing nothing with my life.

Whatever the case was:::: By the age of 13/14, the future I was looking towards was VERY BIG. VERY EXTRAVAGANT.

"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars".

Though I knew I could not reveal my plans to anyone, or mostly not reveal anything, somehow the Latter-Day Saint patriarch knew something of my personal agreement with God and outlined it in my patriarchal blessing.

There's a lot going against the Church these days, but it's interesting to note that the Patriarch knew things which no one should have known, things that were private between me and God.

Anyway::::: The short of it is this:::

Even though school tells us "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars" -----

it's very interesting how likely you are to be considered Grandiosely Delusional if you do that.

There is a whole history of things going wrong in my life ----- but I just think it's interesting that school encourages you to think big-------

I was thinking big, and then I got forced on drugs, and Grandiose Delusions was a part of the reasoning. Also;:: a belief in working miracles. Yes, I was thinking big.

But it's not a lie that I landed among the stars.  I think I've gone completely off course a long time ago, but I did land among "the stars", nonetheless, it seems.

The chances of me fulfilling my original plans now seem hopelessly lost.

And it's also interesting to note how there's so much going against the church in so many ways ---- and yet somehow the patriarch knew things that I had only talked about with God. Very interesting.

The church is wrong in so many ways in the eyes of so many people, and though things went so personally wrong for me in that organization, it's also just plain true that the patriarch knew things and that the miracles appeared to be realistic.

Saturday, December 8, 2018

Avril Lavigne's Album Reveal

I looked at my IPad a moment ago.

There was a notification from Twitter that Avril Lavigne had published a video.

I looked at the video. It was a quick reveal of the tracks in her new upcoming album.

The first track: "Head Above Water" --- we already know that one.

The second: "Birdie" --------- If history is any indication, I might find this song very interesting, as Avril's songs appear to often heavily relate to me, even if only through mentalism, and well, I call myself Finch so yeah.

The third: "I Fell in Love with the Devil" --------- The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints expressed their lack of desire to be friends with Avril ------- Avril is now responding to them kindly. What I mean is, I, and numerous other people, have often suspected that the LDS Church is actually a Satanic religion, and as such Avril is expressing kindness to them, despite the fact they rejected her. Interesting.

On the flipside, it could be said, if the church really was the truth, that God rejected Avril through my Bishop, and now Avril has befriended the adversary, which is the story the LDS Church is more likely to agree with, at least on the surface.

yes ----- it's very confusing ------- but by definition what Christianity calls God/God and Devil/Devil the Latter-Day Saints have it as God/Devil and Devil/God. I hope that explains it.

I haven't actually heard these 2nd and 3rd songs yet, but just from the titles, they sound relevant.

Anyway ---- I just thought I'd mention this ---- especially to explain how Avril being in Love with the Devil might be interpreted and then also how confusing the concept can be.

Friday, December 7, 2018

An Example of Holiday Generosity

Today I visited a local restaurant where I get food on the odd occasion.

I bought a $9.50 food item and a $1.00 drink --- GST included in the prices.

So:::: under normal circumstances, my bill would have been $10.50.

But, this restaurant's owner is usually generous::: he often cuts 50 cents off the price on a regular basis.

But when I handed him a $20 bill to pay today, I was surprised to see him hand me back a $10 bill AND a loonie.

My $10.50 meal cost $9.00.

I was thinking about leaving the loonie on his counter as a tip or something, but he seemed to insist that I take it.

Anyway ----- Though I kind of wonder if I really should have left him the loonie, I feel grateful for this restaurant owner's common generosity in commonly reducing the price of his food a bit. He has every right to charge less than advertised, I guess.

I guess this is just me writing a "feel good" story on this blog. Normally, he would just give $10 in change, that would be his normal practice---- but this time he was especially generous with an extra loonie.  So that was just especially nice.

Just a feel-good story to update my blog with I guess.

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Work Update

I woke up early this morning, and thoughts of wondering how I'm going to have my games available on a future system were heavy on my mind.

I heard my disability payment is likely to see a bit of an increase soon, but even with that help on the budget I set, it's going to take probably at least 3 months to save up even just for the cheap new mac mini.

I then realized that I could try using my new refurbished 1.4ghz mac mini with 4gb of RAM as my development machine for Unity 2018.2.

So I installed Unity 2018.2 on that machine.

It's very slow.

And it just becomes a pain when I found out my PS3 controller wasn't being found by the development build of my game.

I thought the problem might be that maybe PS3 was maybe deprecated or something. I decided to go out and buy 2 new PC Game Controllers.

Yes ---- though debt isn't a big problem for me and in a kind of recent post I said I was out of debt ---- well, with all the clothes shopping and these controllers and some Christmas chocolates ----- I am back in a little bit of debt again.

Anyway ------ I tried out the new controllers.

My 1.4ghz Mac Mini could definitely detect and use the controller according to a 3rd party driver I downloaded. But the Unity 2018 build of Air Defence wasn't liking it.

I put one of the new controllers on my old 2012 Mac Mini where I have Unity 4 installed with a Unity 4 version of Air Defence. After a reboot, the new controller worked fine even without special drivers in that version of the game.

I then decided to try again on 2018 Air Defence on the 1.4ghz and found it really was not working. It would really only detect the Left Stick movement.

So, I transferred the App of 2018 Air Defence to my 2012 Mac Mini.

2018 on the 2012 still didn't like the new controller.

So, I booted up Unity 4 Air Defence, set the controls with the new controller --- Saved and Quit --- started up the 2018 version on the same computer and found the controls were, in fact, working.

So:::: The control configurator in the opening window before the game starts of Unity just would not detect anything I tried from a controller on either computer ---- but with the right prefs saved for the game in the Unity 4 version, the Unity 2018 version was all of the sudden able to use the buttons commanded.

I guess I got that far. Hopefully, they'll fix it someday. There's apparently a Unity Asset Store plugin available for $45 that's supposed to fix these issues, but that's a bit expensive for me right now.


My Family is going to be having some fun for Christmas. I decided that in order to get the kids' help in cleaning up and maybe for prizes or whatever --- that I would have some play money bought from a dollar store to pay the children for their help. And when the fun is over, I'll let them redeem their play money for prizes.

This is in no way important to mention on my blog --- except for one interesting bit of somewhat relevant information::::

$1000 of play money has gone missing. Gone. Like it was stolen. My parents are absolutely certain that no one was touching my stuff.

That means either I can't trust my parents, or whatever force that might've switched out that book or left that note might still be around.

$1000 of play money accounted for about 13% of the total funds I had, in play money.

Anyway ---- it's just so weird to discover it went missing. Either I can't fully trust my family (which isn't a big stretch of the imagination) or who knows.