This blog post will have two parts: part 1 is my concern for my Dad's mental health, and part 2 is my concern for anything The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has ever taught.
1) I learned this evening, after verbally spending hours discussing new information on the church --- that the reason my Dad doesn't like hearing me discuss the issues is because it basically gives him a headache. Every time.
Growing up, I was one of the smartest kids in school. I worked as hard as I had to to get the grades. And I remember as I was studying to learn the Java programming language (by myself from a book) that this is where I could initially feel signs of my brain wearing out and shutting down.
I had gone through so much work, and had taken such a beating, that my brain was shutting down to the point of hearing loud angry voices in the back of the head --- soon to get diagnosed with schizophrenia.
The only subject that my Dad was really good at in school was Math. He could barely get through English class.
I, however, was a top student and was much more well-rounded.
To be honest:::: To me I'm just wondering if my Dad's mind hasn't expanded yet to the point of being able to handle all the information I present. And I wonder if he actually tried to get a grasp of the information if he'd have a mental breakdown too.
I have some memory that it's possible that a person's brain is just physically incapable of handling the information they are given or about how it feels to have a brain that's shutting down.
Anyway ---- EVERYONE in the house is perfectly capable of understanding me as I go on for hours about new church information and ways of looking at it ----- but my Dad gets headaches every time and appears to be unable to handle the amount of information. Somehow, I just wonder if he is somehow physically incapable (in his mind) and might have a breakdown about it.
I wonder if Paliperidone would help him. It's possible, I guess, that my brain was able to recover as well as it has, perhaps somehow due to the psychiatric drug I take. Or maybe it's the magic words I repeat to make myself smart.
Whatever the case is::: My Dad has always had a big problem with me examining the issues, and he says it gives him a headache ---- except he's the ONLY person in the family who has this problem. My brother and mother are able to listen to me wonder about the issues and they provide some social or emotional comfort and help me feel that someone is listening.
My Dad has rarely been able to give the social or emotional substance and is largely unable to handle pretty much any discussion on the issues.
Anyway. I just wonder if his mind isn't big enough yet. Or if he's going to have a breakdown.
2) Upon testing my browsers with the new update of macOS --- I ended up looking at the LDS.org church website today.
The LDS.org church website says they have a new resource ----- a website designed to deal with the topic of abuse. This is a very important topic, because as I am well aware, and as the church says the UN (or some part of the UN) is well aware ------- abuse is a very prominent and widespread issue.
So::: the church says they and The Lord CONDEMN ALL abuse.
So, I was thinking, if they condemn all abuse::: then what about D&C 64 when it says we are REQUIRED to FORGIVE ALL men?
I got a little confused ---- I'm not sure I've understood something, so I looked at the abuse.lds.org webpage article about how an abuse victim might go about forgiving an abuser ---- forgiving an abuser who will not, apparently, escape condemnation for their actions.
Like ---- to me forgiving and condemnation are two opposite sides of the same coin. That's how I've always understood the issue of forgiveness versus punishment/condemnation --- they are two opposite ways in which to deal with an offense.
But the church is telling us that it will be condemned but we can also forgive it at the same time.
Anyway:::: There's a LOT of information I could discuss from my hours of discussion today::: but the main thing is this::::
The dead Church leader, prophet and apostle, Spencer W Kimball taught some very specific things about forgiveness in his book "The Miracle of Forgiveness".
BUT ----- in the new article about forgiveness and how an abuse victim can try to forgive ----- the Church is now basically just saying that Spencer W Kimball was wrong. Kimball said very specific things, and now the church is no longer propagating those views, and in fact completely contradicts those views now.
IN FACT::::: At the end of the article, there is a list of other resources, generally from Living church people, even Apostles, and these resources from the apostles are in church publications ----- but not only is the church completely going opposite of what a past prophet said ---- now they are even saying you can't even necessarily trust what a currently living and operating apostle has said.
Basically::::: When the church has turned around and starting saying that living apostles of the church do not even represent the official viewpoint:::: well:::: obviously there's so much information in the church, and one really has to wonder what information is ever trustworthy ever in the church.
There are some people in the church who will tell you that no one in a leadership position can EVER be criticized. Not even criticism. Not ever.
But the church, on this website, basically just said that you can't even necessarily trust a living and ordained apostle to give you the straight deal.
And then there are all the past prophets that the church just kind of disowned.
And then when you realize the church kind of disowned some things in The Book of Mormon --- and The Pearl of Great Price ---- and even the Doctrine & Covenants don't get entirely listened to.
You know ---- it's just weird when you are growing up in the church and they're telling you they know the scriptures are true and that we have to follow the prophet.
And then upon further research, the church doesn't actually follow the scriptures and they completely contradict the past prophets and are now even telling you living apostles aren't even necessarily trustworthy.
But when you are growing up the church completely criticizes The Bible as unsound doctrine that was probably wrongly changed by some guy somewhere at some point --------
and in the end what it looks like is that in reality, The Bible is the only book that makes a whole lot of sense anyway, while all these prophets and extra scriptures can just be ignored.
I mean ----- the church likes to pressure young men into giving two years of their lives to the cause----- but what exactly is the cause anyway?
They tell you the scriptures are true, to follow the prophet, and that the Bible is untrustworthy --- a bunch of young people in the church spend years of their lives trying to help propagate the cause -----
but if you really research all the documents and all the teachings and now the new abuse website resource ------
The whole premise of the church was wrong. You can't trust so much of the dead prophets or even the living apostles. They don't even actually follow their own scriptures. And The Bible is the one book that actually seems to make any actual sense.
Anyway ---- it's just a big shock to me, having had to spend and invest so much of my life in the church, only to find out it wasn't what I thought it was.
I joined the church initially because they taught repentance ----- I thought if my family repented of their poor decisions we might live a good life.
But when you actually join and live in the church -------- they completely stop talking about repentance and just start talking about forgiveness. What does this mean? It means it was never important to actually change your ways, and now all the flaws in your family will never go away because they will never be challenged, the other cheek will always have to be turned from now on.
And then when you've had enough of the garbage being told to forgive everything all the time, and you finally decide it's your turn to start being forgiven --- that's when the church stops forgiving things and starts bringing in the punishment.
1) They preach repentance, but then never actually require repentance.
2) They tell you to forgive everything, which means when anything goes wrong it will never be dealt with or rectified.
3) When you finally had enough of that and you want your turn to be forgiven, that's when they stop forgiving and bring down the condemnation.
It's enough to drive a guy bonkers.
Anyway::: final note:::: in my discussion with my Dad today, he basically just said you should NEVER talk to a Latter-Day Saint about what the Holy Ghost has ever told you.
Why? Because you will be met, apparently, with instant disagreement ---- that is basically what my Dad said.
I know ---- the church teaches personal revelation and listening to the still small voice of the holy ghost ------- and they teach it's wrong to deny the holy ghost ------ blasphemy against the holy ghost is the unforgivable sin -------
but my Dad pointed out that if you ever tell anyone in the church about what the holy ghost tells you apparently they will instantly disagree and just argue with you about it.
Like, this is a matter of eternal salvation here::: if you blaspheme the holy ghost you are doomed -----
and yet if the holy ghost actually talks to you, and the church says it WILL talk to you, if you tell someone else at church they basically WILL disagree with you ------- which is a real concern because it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
A logical conclusion to draw from a church that is likely to never accept a revelation from the Holy Ghost is that they just don't actually believe in God or the Holy Ghost. IF it's going to be wrong every time---- then that must mean they don't really believe in that stuff --- it's a logical way of looking at it.
and if the church is telling you to believe in personal revelation and the voice of the spirit --- but will always reject your personal testimony------
just like they told me I'd work miracles but then started forcing me on drugs for believing in miracles ------
well, that all sounds just quite abusive to me.
Anyway ---- maybe I'm crazy with all the information I'm having to deal with here and how confusing it is----- and now I wonder how to fix my Dad because his brain might not be physically capable of handling all the information ---- just like I had a meltdown once when things became too confusing.
Anyway ---- I could probably go on forever on this topic, and there's so much information to cover in so many directions ------ but, in the end, it may just all be a complete waste of time --- because it may all have been meaningless from the beginning.