Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Concerning Information

This blog post will have two parts: part 1 is my concern for my Dad's mental health, and part 2 is my concern for anything The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has ever taught.

1) I learned this evening, after verbally spending hours discussing new information on the church --- that the reason my Dad doesn't like hearing me discuss the issues is because it basically gives him a headache. Every time.

Growing up, I was one of the smartest kids in school. I worked as hard as I had to to get the grades. And I remember as I was studying to learn the Java programming language (by myself from a book) that this is where I could initially feel signs of my brain wearing out and shutting down.

I had gone through so much work, and had taken such a beating, that my brain was shutting down to the point of hearing loud angry voices in the back of the head --- soon to get diagnosed with schizophrenia.

The only subject that my Dad was really good at in school was Math. He could barely get through English class.

I, however, was a top student and was much more well-rounded.

To be honest:::: To me I'm just wondering if my Dad's mind hasn't expanded yet to the point of being able to handle all the information I present. And I wonder if he actually tried to get a grasp of the information if he'd have a mental breakdown too.

I have some memory that it's possible that a person's brain is just physically incapable of handling the information they are given or about how it feels to have a brain that's shutting down.

Anyway ---- EVERYONE in the house is perfectly capable of understanding me as I go on for hours about new church information and ways of looking at it ----- but my Dad gets headaches every time and appears to be unable to handle the amount of information. Somehow, I just wonder if he is somehow physically incapable (in his mind) and might have a breakdown about it.

I wonder if Paliperidone would help him. It's possible, I guess, that my brain was able to recover as well as it has, perhaps somehow due to the psychiatric drug I take. Or maybe it's the magic words I repeat to make myself smart.

Whatever the case is::: My Dad has always had a big problem with me examining the issues, and he says it gives him a headache ---- except he's the ONLY person in the family who has this problem. My brother and mother are able to listen to me wonder about the issues and they provide some social or emotional comfort and help me feel that someone is listening.

My Dad has rarely been able to give the social or emotional substance and is largely unable to handle pretty much any discussion on the issues.

Anyway. I just wonder if his mind isn't big enough yet. Or if he's going to have a breakdown.

2) Upon testing my browsers with the new update of macOS --- I ended up looking at the church website today.

The church website says they have a new resource ----- a website designed to deal with the topic of abuse. This is a very important topic, because as I am well aware, and as the church says the UN (or some part of the UN) is well aware ------- abuse is a very prominent and widespread issue.

So::: the church says they and The Lord CONDEMN ALL abuse.

So, I was thinking, if they condemn all abuse::: then what about D&C 64 when it says we are REQUIRED to FORGIVE ALL men?

I got a little confused ---- I'm not sure I've understood something, so I looked at the webpage article about how an abuse victim might go about forgiving an abuser ---- forgiving an abuser who will not, apparently, escape condemnation for their actions.

Like ---- to me forgiving and condemnation are two opposite sides of the same coin. That's how I've always understood the issue of forgiveness versus punishment/condemnation --- they are two opposite ways in which to deal with an offense.

But the church is telling us that it will be condemned but we can also forgive it at the same time.

Anyway:::: There's a LOT of information I could discuss from my hours of discussion today::: but the main thing is this::::

The dead Church leader, prophet and apostle, Spencer W Kimball taught some very specific things about forgiveness in his book "The Miracle of Forgiveness".

BUT ----- in the new article about forgiveness and how an abuse victim can try to forgive ----- the Church is now basically just saying that Spencer W Kimball was wrong.  Kimball said very specific things, and now the church is no longer propagating those views, and in fact completely contradicts those views now.

IN FACT::::: At the end of the article, there is a list of other resources, generally from Living church people, even Apostles, and these resources from the apostles are in church publications ----- but not only is the church completely going opposite of what a past prophet said ---- now they are even saying you can't even necessarily trust what a currently living and operating apostle has said.

Basically::::: When the church has turned around and starting saying that living apostles of the church do not even represent the official viewpoint:::: well:::: obviously there's so much information in the church, and one really has to wonder what information is ever trustworthy ever in the church.

There are some people in the church who will tell you that no one in a leadership position can EVER be criticized. Not even criticism. Not ever.

But the church, on this website, basically just said that you can't even necessarily trust a living and ordained apostle to give you the straight deal.

And then there are all the past prophets that the church just kind of disowned.

And then when you realize the church kind of disowned some things in The Book of Mormon --- and The Pearl of Great Price ---- and even the Doctrine & Covenants don't get entirely listened to.

You know ---- it's just weird when you are growing up in the church and they're telling you they know the scriptures are true and that we have to follow the prophet.

And then upon further research, the church doesn't actually follow the scriptures and they completely contradict the past prophets and are now even telling you living apostles aren't even necessarily trustworthy.

But when you are growing up the church completely criticizes The Bible as unsound doctrine that was probably wrongly changed by some guy somewhere at some point --------

and in the end what it looks like is that in reality, The Bible is the only book that makes a whole lot of sense anyway, while all these prophets and extra scriptures can just be ignored.

I mean ----- the church likes to pressure young men into giving two years of their lives to the cause----- but what exactly is the cause anyway?

They tell you the scriptures are true, to follow the prophet, and that the Bible is untrustworthy --- a bunch of young people in the church spend years of their lives trying to help propagate the cause -----

but if you really research all the documents and all the teachings and now the new abuse website resource ------

The whole premise of the church was wrong. You can't trust so much of the dead prophets or even the living apostles. They don't even actually follow their own scriptures. And The Bible is the one book that actually seems to make any actual sense.

Anyway ---- it's just a big shock to me, having had to spend and invest so much of my life in the church, only to find out it wasn't what I thought it was.

I joined the church initially because they taught repentance ----- I thought if my family repented of their poor decisions we might live a good life.

But when you actually join and live in the church -------- they completely stop talking about repentance and just start talking about forgiveness. What does this mean? It means it was never important to actually change your ways, and now all the flaws in your family will never go away because they will never be challenged, the other cheek will always have to be turned from now on.

And then when you've had enough of the garbage being told to forgive everything all the time, and you finally decide it's your turn to start being forgiven --- that's when the church stops forgiving things and starts bringing in the punishment.

1) They preach repentance, but then never actually require repentance.

2) They tell you to forgive everything, which means when anything goes wrong it will never be dealt with or rectified.

3) When you finally had enough of that and you want your turn to be forgiven, that's when they stop forgiving and bring down the condemnation.

It's enough to drive a guy bonkers.

Anyway::: final note:::: in my discussion with my Dad today, he basically just said you should NEVER talk to a Latter-Day Saint about what the Holy Ghost has ever told you.

Why?  Because you will be met, apparently, with instant disagreement ---- that is basically what my Dad said.

I know ---- the church teaches personal revelation and listening to the still small voice of the holy ghost ------- and they teach it's wrong to deny the holy ghost ------ blasphemy against the holy ghost is the unforgivable sin -------

but my Dad pointed out that if you ever tell anyone in the church about what the holy ghost tells you apparently they will instantly disagree and just argue with you about it.

Like, this is a matter of eternal salvation here::: if you blaspheme the holy ghost you are doomed -----

and yet if the holy ghost actually talks to you, and the church says it WILL talk to you, if you tell someone else at church they basically WILL disagree with you ------- which is a real concern because it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

A logical conclusion to draw from a church that is likely to never accept a revelation from the Holy Ghost is that they just don't actually believe in God or the Holy Ghost. IF it's going to be wrong every time---- then that must mean they don't really believe in that stuff --- it's a logical way of looking at it.

and if the church is telling you to believe in personal revelation and the voice of the spirit --- but will always reject your personal testimony------

just like they told me I'd work miracles but then started forcing me on drugs for believing in miracles ------

well, that all sounds just quite abusive to me.

Anyway ---- maybe I'm crazy with all the information I'm having to deal with here and how confusing it is----- and now I wonder how to fix my Dad because his brain might not be physically capable of handling all the information ---- just like I had a meltdown once when things became too confusing.

Anyway ---- I could probably go on forever on this topic, and there's so much information to cover in so many directions ------ but, in the end, it may just all be a complete waste of time --- because it may all have been meaningless from the beginning.

2 Emails and about upgrading

This morning I logged into my 1.4ghz mac mini and found there was an update for my version of macOS.

I installed it.

I kind of wish I didn't. Why?

Because Google Chrome just became so slow on that computer I have difficulty connecting to websites --- I'm having to write this post on my OUYA Dev machine -- mac mini from 2012.

Yeah ---- so, the new mac minis ---- they look FANTASTIC, like dream machines ---- but I'm afraid that if I don't get paid for my work, especially for my books, I won't be upgrading to one any time soon.

I get forgiveness points, more or less, for forgiving people for not paying me ----- but really, if I wanted to continue in the development business I would want one of these new mac minis ------ but my current income, even if it is generous for a disability income, will take some time to save up for such a device.

And I'm not going back into deep debt to buy a computer, especially when there's zero guarantee that people will pay me for my new work.

So:::: There is some possibility that I could continue developing video games ----- but that is put on an indefinite hold while people don't pay me for what I've already done and I have to save my current mediocre income in order to afford a new dev machine.

I recently received a new portable music stand in the mail from Amazon.

Yesterday I set it up, put my Christmas Sheet Music for Guitar on ----- and started figuring out my Jingle Bells.

So much fun.

Also::: good news::: My C Major Chord is starting to sound better, although not yet entirely perfected yet it is doing much better. Yay.


Now ---- In the past days I received 2 emails.

One email was from a Russian man who wanted to tell me something about making an annual income while he was on a trip to Egypt.

He sent the email using Google Photos.

I clicked on his link, but I felt leery about logging into a webpage with my Google Account just to look at photos by some stranger.

If you want to send me photos or anything, just write it down in an email ---- I'm very suspicious or "leery" about logging in to any site with my personal credentials --- especially my Google account.

And then --- this Morning:::

I got an email from a man named Gavin Stephenson on my OUYA icloud email.

He starts the email saying "Hello Superstar" and says he hopes I'll join him for something he's doing for the law of attraction. The address in the email is in London.

OK ----- For a moment I thought he might even be talking directly to me ----- but then I did a search for his name in my email ---- and realized I had signed up for his mailing list so I could download something he did about using the law of attraction to get rich.

Though amusing that I was referred to as "Superstar" and thinking he was personally talking to me - and then realizing it's just a mailing list thing ----

I thought I should talk on this blog a little about the Law of Attraction and making money, as I've experienced it.

When I was 13 or 14 years old --- I asked God in a personal prayer for a million dollars. A few years later Avril Lavigne was running about basically singing about being in love with me, as I interpret the song.

But::: there's a problem:::: people around me don't want me to be rich. In fact, as far as I am aware, to this day ---- My Mom REFUSES to pray for me to make a million dollars ---- which means I do not have permission to make a tonne of money.

I'm sure I could make a tonne of money, but I think something about my Mom not wanting it might be holding me back.

Anyway ----- the good news is this:::: Earlier this year I was alone with my Dad and my Brother ---- and I said a prayer, all 3 of us involved, just asking God for a specific amount of money. It's a big sum to a very poor person, but not enough to really be super rich.

Anyway, just weeks later my Mom had somehow acquired the exact amount of money that we had asked for in prayer --- and she wanted my help to get it invested in a GIC (Guaranteed Investment Certificate).

SO:::: The Law of Attraction does seem to work well enough, the 3 of us basically got exactly what we asked for in just weeks ---- but it's non-redeemable right now and just earning interest.

The Law of Attraction works so well that my Mom also gets her desire --- that I NOT make my million dollars.

In fact, you can trace the origins of my supposed craziness or insanity back years ago when my sisters and their friends were deliberately trying to drive me insane.

To tell the truth, nobody wants to place any blame anywhere for anything negative ---- but the fact is the negative aspect of life did exist and I know that my sisters stated they were trying to drive me insane. So ---- that's the explanation.

But yeah.  This last part of this post was basically just my commentary in relation to an email I received about Law of Attraction ------ the Law of Attraction works so well that I'm actually not allowed to be super-rich it seems because I don't have permission from my Mom. So, I just live like I'm disabled and collecting my meagre income, wishing people would pay me so I can buy one of these new dream-machine mac minis.

Sunday, October 28, 2018

Unexpectedly feeling "The Holy Ghost"

I was just looking up my books on Amazon.

Right as I started looking up "Kris Attfield" in the Amazon search --- I looked at my list of books and I started feeling that distinctive feeling The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints refers to as "the Holy Ghost".

I mean, normally I can feel happy. I also have experienced depression in the past.

And to tell the truth, feeling what I've been feeling for the past few moments, I know that I don't normally feel this feeling.

But just as I was looking at my books:::: it just washed over me, I could feel it fill me:::: that warmth in my bosom.

In a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints hymn, they sing "The Spirit of God like a fire is burning".

Anyway ----- The Church trains you when you get baptized to feel for that Holy Ghost feeling.

And I realize how much of my time I spent NOT feeling that feeling.

But, amazingly, and unexpectedly:::: I was looking at my books on Amazon, when my heart was filled with warmth, with the flame.

That should be saying something spiritually.

Although, I will note that what I understand of psychiatry ---- well, the doctors aren't likely to look at that feeling like any sort of Holy Ghost type thing at all ---- to them feelings are really all in the realm of chemicals in your brain.

The Mormons taught me it was the Spirit of God though.

So who knows.

It's just very interesting that I'd be filled with that feeling while looking at my books. Unexpected.


In other news, I thought of some other things I would have wanted to talk about on my blog --- but I decided to talk about it with my father instead.

Amazingly enough, saying it to my Dad actually got it off my chest and his response settled me down, which is unusual because I usually feeling distinctly unfulfilled trying to talk to my Dad about stuff.

Anyway, that means I can keep it off my blog ---- largely because I think I've already said it somewhere else a while back, and it's not really the happiest thing I could be talking about.

Thursday, October 25, 2018

A Not Totally Understood Mystery

To be honest, for YEARS now our family has experienced this phenomenon where we find things around our house or around our property which shouldn't by any reasonable understanding be there --- but they are there.

Like, a few weeks ago I found a new pair of pants neatly folded on my desk chair ---- I had done my laundry and thought all my pants were all accounted for.

Shortly before that, my Dad found a sock by his bed ---- and nobody knows where the sock came from or whose sock it is or was.

Many years ago I was going to go for a long walk to get some lunch when I found a full-sized hamburger from a popular restaurant just sitting on the sidewalk (in its package) across the street from my house.

Heck ---- we've had a situation when we found something in our house that no one knows what it was or what it did -- or how it got there ---- but it was there and we found it there anyway.

SO:::: TODAY::::

My Mom spent half the day doing a civic duty, my Dad and I picked up our nephew to have some fun ---- and after my Mom's duty was over we all took a trip to the zoo.

When we all came home we were all pretty tired, so we ALL just went to bed. Like, late afternoon, early evening ---- nobody wants to be up anymore.

Well, I was just laying in bed, thinking about the disaster of my life ------- when I started hearing a beeping sound.

It didn't stop. It was repetitive. I was afraid somehow the refrigerator door hadn't been closed properly --- so I got up from bed, and went upstairs to look at the kitchen to see what was beeping.

Everyone else was just staying in bed --- either no one else heard the beep ----- or no one understood or cared.

I discovered what it was:::: the Oven Timer. I turned off the oven and pulled out a cooked chicken.

yes ----- there was a fully cooked chicken in our oven.

I went to my parents' room, opened the door (and everyone was just silently laying down) -- I told my Mom the chicken was done cooking.

She didn't seem to understand what I was talking about. She was like "what chicken?"

So, I went back to my room and listened ----- Nobody else seems to have gotten the idea ---- we have a cooked chicken sitting on our stove right now and I'm the only one who knows about it ------ and I have no idea who initiated the process of cooking it, especially as my Mom doesn't seem to realize we have a cooked chicken and she didn't know.

So yeah::::: This MIGHT be an example of the Lord Jesus Christ's magical provision.

I've seen it multiple times in my life -------- but I'm writing about this experience now because its currently happening::::: the oven was beeping and nobody went to check it out except for me. I found a cooked chicken.

I told my Mom.  She didn't appear to have any idea.

Maybe I've just misunderstood the situation ----- but you'd think if someone else in my family had been cooking the chicken that they would have gotten up to check the oven when the beeping started.

Sunday, October 21, 2018

Is this a reason for my eye-issues?

This doesn't seem like a plausible reason for why my left eye would be partially blinded and the sight would suddenly be OK again in the ophthalmologist's office, but it's something I'm noticing so I'm going to print it here.

I was just looking at my ID Card. For .a long time during my life I had always thought my eyes were Green.

But, upon doing closer research on eye colors on the internet, and then closely examining my eyes ----- I realized my eyes might actually be HAZEL.

Which means I was inaccurate when I told the government about my eyes. Oops.

But:::: here's the thing::::::

Even if this doesn't seem believable --- it's what I see as true, it's my truth, and it should be accepted with faith, although maybe you'd do that with a grain of salt-------

I was just looking at my eyes in the bathroom mirror a little moment ago.

My right eye was greenish-brown.

My left eye was greenish-blue.

This is not normal.

That's how I'll describe the coloring.

Thing is::: it was very clear that my two eyes were not the same color as each other anymore.

I tried to take close-up selfies with my iPhone --- unfortunately, the lighting isn't very good at this time in the morning, and my left eye is always in the shady position--- it can't be clearly seen (in the pictures).

SO:::::: yeah, who knows whatever scientific explanation there might be-------

but in The Book of Finch I describe two different "magical" parts of my appearance which I believe were real but people are inclined to call me crazy -----

1) My hair magically changed color at a special church event.  The first person to notice it was a friend of mine, but when I went home and looked in the mirror, I was able to verify my hair, without any dies or bleaches --- had changed color.

2) Years later  I would be looking at my eyes in the mirror, and magically they just seemed to be changing color.

So:::: I know people tell me I'm crazy, and so much seems unbelievable------

but, today I was looking at my eyes in the mirror and they were basically two different colors or two different kinds of hazel.  Greenish-blue and Greenish-brown. I could definitely see the difference.

SO:::: I wonder if this has anything to do with how I lost some sight in my left eye, but then it came back when re-inspected.

UPDATE October 22nd 2018 10:16AM:::::::

I checked my eyes again ---- they're the same color now, no blue to be seen.

It's either something "magical" ------ or it might just be something to do with the lighting in my bathroom early in the morning when it's still dark out.

What else could explain what I thought I saw?

Saturday, October 13, 2018

Wondering about Alex

I had a friend growing up. He was a good friend. We spent a lot of time together.

When I became mentally ill, he was over at my house, and I decided to kick him out. No --- it wasn't very kind, and I'm sure he may have been very offended over it.

The truth about why I kicked him out of my house::: I didn't really want to end the friendship, though that's the way he took it ----- I was just so completely horny at that time that I needed him to leave so I safely relieve myself.

I wonder about him.

Years later, I tried befriending him on Facebook --- but I think he rejected me, maybe he was still offended.

So:::: Alex, if you are out there, I wonder how you are doing, and I'm sorry I was too horny to have you over at my house that day and apparently anymore.

Alex, what my years could have been if we had stayed good friends. Although --- I also, along with the supposed mental illness, had a sudden change of ideological loyalties --- so maybe that would have been a problem for us.

Anyway. I remember what it was like when I got him to leave the house.

I'm not going to describe it ----- but I do have an excuse to say that I tried to save his soul but he just rejected The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints' gospel.

Simple fact::: I was becoming very religious church-wise, and Alex didn't accept those views.

Maybe that's why he stopped being my super close friend.

Anyway, I've since learned that the church was in so many ways a mess.

And I wonder how Alex has been doing.

I don't usually try to refer to people by their real names --- especially because before I wrote The Book of Finch my Doctor and Father made it clear to me that I have to keep identities hidden ------

But Alex was a real name of a real person. He was my good friend, it's no secret he and I were friends.

I was just too horny, and I was mentally ill, and we became ideologically incompatible.

I wonder how he's doing. He already rejected me on Facebook I think, so I don't know where to find him anymore.

Anyway. A blog post about it should be enough for now.

So Alex:: how's it been going?

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Wikipedia Sent me an email yesterday

I'll start this post by pointing out the new featured post. The new featured post points out a new article on this blog. It felt important to me to release that information, as I see it from my perspective.

Yesterday Wikipedia sent me an email.

They said it was an awkward subject.

They said that I am one of the fewer than 1% of Wikipedia users who actually donates to the website.

They said that most people just cannot afford to donate anything to them.

OK ---- from my perspective and from the perspective of people around me:::: I make about ~19k per year with disability, my household has 4 members and something like 3 incomes. We have only one family vehicle, however, so that might give us some savings.

From the perspective of Wikipedia however, I'm basically being told that I'm something like being in the 1%.

There's the reality that I and my family sees, which is either middle class or very-low upper class.

And there's Wikipedia telling me that I'm in the 1% of people who actually give them money. And it's awkward to them ----- probably because I don't seem super rich and that just makes it weird that more people "at my level" or above aren't also donating.

Growing up in Mormonism, and following Jesus' example ---- there is nothing wrong with "living below your station".

Part of my issue, as I said in my new featured post, is that people don't believe the things I might have done in my years of being online.

So, it's just interesting ----- my household net worth as the people around me see me is probably still lower than 1 million CAD ------

And it's just awkward to Wikipedia that this somehow puts me in "the 1%" --- of people who actually donate.

So, there you go.

If I made any money in my life --- I have no idea how much, so I don't know if I'd actually be put in the top 1% income bracket.

People tend not to believe it ----- but from my perspective, it's entirely possible that I've had influence.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Pointing Out My Latest Article (Right hand side menu)

So::: I wrote a new article for this blog that can be found in the right hand side menu of this blog --- "An Apology for those who wanted to do business with me" or something like that --- the article can be found near the bottom of the list above my Apology for Radioclash.

I was just watching Coach Red Pill on Youtube discuss a topic ---- but in his topic, he said that in order to get your writing noticed by a producer in Hollywood you need an agent of some sort.

What what? So--- what is my connection to The Number 23 then?

Well, my memory is sketchy ---- but do note that my version of the Number 23 story took place on Avril Lavigne's official fan club ------- so obviously I was already being viewed by entertainment industry types.

To be honest, I could want to travel and preach to the nations for the church, or I could want to make millions of dollars creating entertainment --- but as my article mentions::: I am considered mentally ill.

Even though I was considered one of the smartest kids in school and even though the patriarch of the church seemed to destine me for greater things------ the simple fact remains that I am viewed as being a grandiosely delusional man.

I got an email that offered me a LOT of money ----- no one believed it. That makes it difficult for me.

I was supposed to be a traveling preacher as a young man ---- the church even said so ------ but such is not viewed as realistic by the people around me. Heck ----- even getting support by being paid for my work is hard.

So yeah. I'm just pointing out the new article for why it's hard to do business with me, and especially point out that if I were involved in any multi-million dollar deals that people around me wouldn't likely believe it ---- just delusions of grandeur to them.

I might've mentioned this before, but it seems relevant to say again now::: I asked my Mom within the past year or two if she'd pray for me to make my million ----- she REFUSED.

It might just be that my family actually does not support me in doing something so great that the blessings would be huge.

I may have been one of the smartest kids at school (numerous years running) --- but that didn't stop my sister from consistently insulting my intelligence until I've lost my mind about it.

So::: maybe I've had ample opportunity in my life ---- but my own family isn't exactly going for the idea that I'd be super successful ------ so I apologize if I let people down by not being business-savvy enough.

Saturday, October 6, 2018

Latest Big News - Church related

To be honest, the fact that it's birthday time for my nephew and that LDS General Conference was today completely slipped my mind until today ---- when I was faced with the reality of the situation.

Most of the phone calls we get in our house we don't bother to answer --- we screen a lot of phone calls, especially because a lot of calls are basically crap and we actually don't want them.

Last night we got a phone call from a completely different and unusual area code. Not recognizing it at all --- we screened it.

I looked up what information I could find about the number online:::

Someone from likely either PROVO or SALT LAKE CITY in UTAH had tried to contact us.

And then today was General Conference day. Oh.

Know something interesting? My family has been involved with the LDS Church basically since I was born ----- and in all that time no one from UTAH had really ever phoned us. What made yesterday so different?

Another tidbit of information:: My website portal tells me I had a LOT of visitors yesterday. Despite selling practically NO books, an awful lot of people suddenly became interested in me just the day before General Conference.


It's either that everyone is dishonest and wouldn't be bothered to pay me for my work, or something went wrong at my publishers. (which is interesting because just last night Youtube/Google was showing me a documentary about white-collar crime as if that was relevant).


So::: Obviously I'm seen as a big somebody in the LDS Church. But, as I've learned, even the LDS Church is aware that the church screwed up really-really badly in my life and I'm not fully sure I'm really interested anymore.

Just today my Mom brought up the topic of Personal Revelation having something to do with what was discussed in General Conference ----

All I could think of was how my Bishop wanted me to deny my personal revelation and how I was treated, essentially by the church, like I was crazy for having communications from God.

Basically, the church just really really screwed up in my life. All my life they taught me about personal revelation, and the revelation was real ----- but for some reason, local leadership decided to declare my insanity for belief in such things. Yeah. The church REALLY screwed up.

So::: it's been eight years since my nephew was born, and how Jesus Christ appeared on the night of his birth (as is recorded in my book The Book of Finch).

I said to my family "So, it's his birthday and it's been 8 years --- I'm afraid to ask". The response from my Dad was "So don't ask".

Anyway ---- though my nephew is now officially old enough to officially join the church, the past days no one has said a thing about baptizing him or him and the church in any way shape or form.

Yeah. Huh. Normally children who grow up in Mormon households get baptized at age of 8, but no one so far as even mentioned church or baptism in relation to my nephew.

Simple fact:::

Jesus Christ appeared to me at the birth of my nephew.

Simple fact:::

The church mostly rejected my personal testimony of Jesus.

So yeah, it was just interesting that the LDS Church wasn't actually about God Jesus Angels and Miracles when I'm not allowed to have my testimony of such things in church, and also how the church wasn't really a friends or family community either because I wasn't allowed to be friends with my friends ---- so what was the church really all about then? I'm really not sure.

The last thing I can think of to say is this:::

Just today I suddenly realized that I may personally have a thought-based or telepathic connection to Avril Lavigne's latest released single.


So:::: Being immature, and having loved Penguins since grade 2,

as a term of endearment, one of the things I'd think in my mind for the past so many years was "Avril is a penguin who lives in the ocean" ---- I'd basically have imaginary thought poetry sessions in my idle time thinking about Avril somehow being a Penguin. Another variation on this is that I would think of Avril as a "Rabbit-Penguin" ---- in relation to how I was raised with the Mac computer concept of a "Dogcow".

To be honest, I don't really know how much Avril really likes me --- so I've been leaving her alone.

I do know however that most of her fans never really seemed to like me, so I don't bother.

Avril herself was a lot nicer, but still, sometimes the messages seem a little mixed. Who knows.

Anyway. it would have been nice to have actual sales reports and earnings from my work ---- but last night's Youtube documentary shows that there's just a big part of the population which is all too likely to just be dishonest, whether I'm being ripped off at the pirating sites or wherever.

But it doesn't totally matter since I have AiSH ----- and I really have questioned and still question how much I really want to be involved in the church after the disaster I was put through in that organization.

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Getting Stressed just by thinking

Yesterday.I posted my ideas of something I could do with the Lottery if I won the big prize (eg, the 60 million dollar prize). I then deleted that post.

According to the odds, it's not likely I'd win the lottery. So why worry about it? I guess I'm just trying to visualize or something.

Anyway, since I deleted that post, one of the thoughts that occurred to me was something about how I'd be completely unlikely to win the lottery every again, so shouldn't I do my best to have fun rather than blow half of it on a charitable idea that I'm not even likely going to be competent at doing?

Just thinking about what I'd do if I had 60 million has stressed me out ---- and I don't even have the money yet. It's like the neurons in my brain are on the verge of having a meltdown if I promise do something like create a trailer park for homeless people if I win.

I figure I would want to help people ---- but that the help I offer should be within my capability range.

A trailer park for homeless people may be way more than I can manage. It's a good idea ---- but thinking about what it would take, maybe I'm not the best candidate.

But I do want to help people -----

So I'd probably just give a nice big donation to a couple or a few charities.

But the lion's share of the winnings I'd use just to live my life, and have my fun.

The main point of this blog post is that I was just getting stressed out just by thinking about what could happen if I had 60 million dollars.

Housing homeless people might be a good idea ----- but I can't say I'd necessarily be competent at the job. Therefore, maybe I'd just donate a bunch to existing charities.

So::: I was trying some visualization of winning, and I only eventually just started feeling stressed out. Huh.

Maybe I'm better off with a smaller prize. :)

Monday, October 1, 2018

Asking God for Information

I've got a pretty interesting story to report today.

In a recent post, I said I would be ordering an NES Mini Classic and a SNES Mini Classic when I got my next payment.

Today is the day those products were to arrive.

I basically just sat in my house and waited for Canada Post to bring the package.

After a number of hours, I just got tired of waiting.

I asked God "God, when will Canada Post arrive?"

The response from God said they would be here in 2 minutes.

2 minutes was a short enough time so I gave God a chance. I even looked at my watch to keep track of time.

So::: what happened?

God was actually right!

It's amazing, but when Canada Post arrived, I looked at my watch again and noticed that it was 2 minutes since I last checked my watch.

So:::: that's psychic power for you. I ask God a question, He gives me an answer, and the answer turned out to be true.

To be honest, I have done this before ---- God has been right before about this type of thing.


So::: My left eye still sees, but I think I will need a new prescription for my glasses. My right eye is fine in this glasses, but my left eye seems a little blurry.

But there is a possibility that I am having a problem with my brain ---- not a schizophrenia problem, some kind of other problem -----

My balance has MOSTLY returned. But, I've noticed when I'm standing in my kitchen that I'm more likely to feel dizzy.

BUT::::: A CLUE:::::: I was standing in the kitchen feeling a little dizzy today, when all of the sudden the dizziness left---- the dizziness was gone but in the same instant that the dizziness was got I started to hear a loud ringing noise in my left ear ---- like Tinnitus.

I'll have to note that to the doctor if/when I get my referral.

So::: I need new glasses, mostly stable now but a little dizzy a bit, and at one point the dizziness was instantly replaced by a ringing noise in my left ear.

The fact that my brain is having an issue does not reflect on the reality that God was able to tell me when my package would arrive.

I've ALWAYS or ALMOST ALWAYS been able to get good information straight from God.

Today was just a really good example of that ---- I heard it was coming in 2 minutes and the voice in my head turned out to be correct.