Thursday, September 6, 2018

Maybe it is magical

I was having moments of clarity where my normally "gimped" right eye was seeing things better and more clearer than it should have - without glasses.

Yesterday I visited the psychiatric clinic.

The psychiatric clinic has a history of telling me NOT to believe in magical or miraculous stuff. And then drugging me, and increasing dosages, for continuing to believe in it.

As I stood in the waiting area yesterday::: I felt very empty, hurt, heartbroken inside.

Mormonism would say this feeling means that psychiatry is not for me.

Another observation is that I might just be feeling empathic feelings that someone else present may have been feeling.

Anyway ---- I got my med. Yes, I started feeling better.

But my eye appears to be gimped again now.

In the days leading up to the injection, as my last injection was wearing off, there is commonly something I'll feel or experience that wouldn't happen if I had a dosage of drugs in me.

Like, without the medication I might start feeling a mania --- start feeling super good.

This time, I started feeling my right eye get better.

Now I've taken my med, and my eye isn't functioning as well as I thought it could moments ago.

But then again, the fixed eye was never really completely fixed ---- so who knows.

The best I can say about my "miraculous" experiences is this:::: when my right eye starts seeing clearly (and this past week isn't the first time this has happened) --- when my eye sees clearly it usually only lasts a little while.

I know there's some reality where my right eye won't be "gimped" anymore --- but it's not a common occurrence in this world, I guess.

Considering how bad I felt about standing in the psychiatric office:::: Mormonism teaches that feeling means I shouldn't be there ---- that psychiatry is really NOT for me.

Another line of thought would say I was just being empathic.

So:::: my eye got better, as my drugs were wearing off, I might add, but now that I'm on drugs again ---- My eye appears to have gone back to being "gimped".

Or maybe I'm just being subjective. Sort of. Who knows.

But::: yes::: my right did have moments of clarity it shouldn't have had.

And now::: My right eye isn't seemingly as clear anymore.

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