Saturday, August 11, 2018

More Thoughts and leanings

Today I went for a long drive.

As I rode in the car, I had some thoughts about how strange the church's decisions in my life were.

I'll explain:::::

These days, I don't really have real friends like I used to when I was a kid ----- there is a big difference between the type of relationships I would have now versus the relationships I would have with FRIENDS when I was younger.

But something really concerns me as strange regarding the church's influence on friends in my life.


I had Annie Liability as a friend, and I had a bunch of male friends.


My male friends were typically non-members, so they didn't believe in Mormonism, they all held completely different philosophical values from the church ----- and as such, they could be bad influences, and in fact, I realize they could be considered troublemakers at that young age.

Annie Liability was the same religion as me, she was a Mormon and she tried to be what she understood to be a good influence on me ----- she was different from my other friends, but she was trying to have a positive impact on my life --- as far as she understood positivity, as far as I remember.



SO:::::: If my male friends were all non-Mormon troublemakers who could be bad influences,

while Annie Liability was a Mormon who tried to impress some kind of good value system in me as she understood it ------


WHY ON EARTH is it that the LDS MORMON church decided that I wasn't allowed to be friends with my "good" influence while they had absolutely no problem with my bad influence friends?


I tried to help Annie feel happy, and she helped keep me interested in life ------ yet the church absolutely demolished that friendship ----- she and I were both members, we were trying to impact each other in a good way, and yet the friendship just wasn't allowed.


While my other friends were not Mormons, and the church appeared to have zero problems with the bad influence they could potentially have had on my life.


I'm not allowed to be with my fellow Mormon good influence friend while I am allowed to be with a bunch of troublemakers who probably didn't help me that much.


Something just isn't making sense about the church's decision making. Not making sense at all.


And you want to know what's kind of sad??? The boys in my own quorum at church ----- they were basically just "church" friends ---- they never really were and never really became actual real close friends.


I basically grew up in the church environment but never got really close to the other members except for Annie Liability ----- who was taken away ---------


while the church had zero problems with potentially bad influences in my life.



It's just really confusing you know? I don't understand.


The other Mormons basically just didn't accept me ------ and let me be friends with non-Mormons ------


but when Avril Lavigne wanted to be my friend (as near as I could understand the communications I saw at the time) ----- OH NO --- the church definitely CAN'T allow that --------

even though they previously had zero problems with me being involved with non-Mormon influences.


I am just really, really confused here.  It's not making sense.



So::::  I'm just not clear in my mind about many of the decisions the church made in my life.



Another problem decision that comes to mind that I've mentioned before is this::::


I was a real smart kid ---- I was a top student.


As I grew in the church, I've eventually come to understand that the church DID NOT WANT me to be intelligent.  They really-really WANTED to dumb me down.

This can be explained especially when the Bishop's daughter and my sisters appeared to be deliberately trying to drive me insane, especially even through the chanting of some weird magic.

So:::: though the church, as I now understand, was actually deliberately trying to dumb me down because they actually didn't want people who were actually smart ----------

for some reason, after I lost my mind they decided I needed to take psychiatric medications in order to make me smart again.

????????

I'm just kind of confused.  They wanted me to be dumb. My patriarchal blessing did not say go to higher learnings institutions. My sisters and the bishop's daugther deliberately wanted me to lose my mind -------


and though it appears the church's goal was actually to make me not-smart, for some reason it suddenly became important to make me smart again through the use of psychiatric medications.


The thing is:::: the patriarch blessed me with an especially blessed mind ------- so it's weird his special blessing didn't just cure the schizophrenia, and it's weird that a drug that could easily be considered to be against the word of wisdom was actually determined to be that special blessing for my mind, even though before the blessing I had no need of such drugs before.


Something is really messed up about that.


Just more decisions that don't make sense.


They wanted me to be dumb ----- and then they wanted to smarten me up again with drugs even though their magic powers should have been perfectly capable of fixing me without medication.


Just so strange the decisions they were making.



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And finally,


I have some interesting news about my leanings on my financial plans::::


Previously, I figured I would just invest money that I received for the next while ------


But the law of attraction must have some real effect because having been asked to build another game, I feel more inclined to just save my money in a savings account until I have enough to buy everything need to get started on another project ---- and I don't even have an idea for a game yet.


Another force guiding me to just save my money in savings account rather than investment right now is I'm realizing I should probably get a new prescription and new glasses, so saving my money might be good for that too.


So. Hmmmm. Just inside of me, in my heart and in my thoughts, simply having been requested to build another game I am leaning towards saving for equipment and game development rather than just investing it.


Just the way I feel right now. I am pretty certain that other's use of the Law of Attraction can have effect on me, not only in this situation where another game is requested,


but also in the situation where my sisters wanted me to lose my mind, and also in the situation where my friends at school could have been a bad influence.


The Law of Attraction seems like something reasonable to believe in to me.

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