Tuesday, August 28, 2018

I'm conflicted in my mind

I feel two opposite ways about the same thing. This is called "ambivalence".

One moment, I'll be praying that someone successfully sues the church, the next moment, I realize that even if my life didn't work out perfectly, that the church did me a whole lot of good.



I am wrong on both sides of the LDS debate.



I have historically taken the pro- stance AND the anti- stance.


I'm wrong both ways.



There's just no winning.




Some things about the church obviously don't make much or any sense and it can seem easy to write the whole thing off as one big disaster.



But I think about my life, my experiences, everything I've learned --- and where I've come to ----- and I realize the LDS Mormon church did me a lot of good.



The church probably could have turned out better in my life ------- but even where I did end up, the church can be seen as a benefit or beneficial.



There are good things about the church, and there are some less than great things about the church.



I am just psychologically very conflicted personally about what side to sit on.



The obvious answer at this point is to take a "neutral" position ------ but, unfortunately, I remember the church teaching when I was young that you can't be neutral, you have to be either for or against.



So obviously it's not perfect when "neutrality" is the obvious answer and the church says that's not allowed.




Maybe I've graduated from the LDS Church program.  I got my Sunday Education, I learned so much, I figured out so much, I am where I am.


Maybe the church is basically just a  place to raise kids, which I do not have.



I basically feel that I am just a graduate of the LDS Church program ---- I am much more educated now than I might've otherwise been without it.


And no, I don't think anyone should be spending their whole life with the church unless it's their "job" ---- there's enough discordance in the religion or church organization that you wouldn't want to be with it forever. Unless, somehow magically, everything just works out perfectly for you, maybe.



I learned and experienced so much, but the church did not work out perfectly for me.


I loved being a Mormon, and I learned much and I got to a good place in life with that knowledge.




Maybe Mormonism is like a coloring book or an activity book ----- but much broader in its scope and far more enthralling.


You know, at the age of 8, it's like being handed a "choose your own adventure" book and being asked if you can figure out the mystery, basically.

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