Thursday, August 30, 2018

Another Update Today

Though I may have few people to talk to, it seems expedient to write down my thoughts and experiences in this blog. Better than keeping a journal. Better than writing emails too.


1) My AiSH Health Benefit Card for September still hasn't arrived. I think usually it would be here by now.



2) I'm really loving guitar ---- but today, as I was pleasing myself with some home-made music, my high-e string broke. I tried replacing it with a replacement that came with the guitar ---- I think I did something wrong and the replacement broke too. It's a pain to replace the strings, but I think I'm having a better idea in my mind about what I did wrong now actually. I hope.

I also will probably want to get a "music stand" someday ----- I bought some Christmas Sheet Music but I have no place to put the book where it would be handy to look at while playing.



3) Despite my absolutely "crazy" (or seemingly unreal) experiences, I feel like I am recovering from the worst parts of my "mental illness" when I was having problems.

But, I have absolutely grown completely used to the idea of not marrying, just living with my parents, where I am, actually, quite comfortable living.

When I was young, I had plans and ideas, a lot of which involved getting out of this house ----- but things went so absolutely wrong, that now I feel like I'm going to live here forever, and now I'm so comfortable it doesn't seem so bad.

If I were to marry, I'd probably have to move out. But I mostly stopped being interested in women.

If I were to get a real job doing something like --- who knows, books, games, maybe even music ---- you'd think I'd leave home, except I am introverted and can't drive, so I'm still basically disabled ----- and I don't make any money from anything I do anyway.

If it's not broke, don't fix it.

I am quite happy and comfortable to live at home with my parents. Especially as no one would pay me money for my work, I have nothing else better to do.




My Dad just called me. It's time to go.



So this blog post is basically just to talk about some recent things and what's on my mind. Not that it matters much. If you care, then thanks for caring.

It seems so unreal

Reality is strange.

What my reality is, most likely will seem like just fantasy and mental illness to someone else.

Like, seeing snazzily dressed 30s Jazz musicians at the Zoo, then finding they've followed me to the store ---- and then finding out I was the only one who could see them.

I've seen various "ghosts" and "angels" and I believe even Jesus -------



This, of course, is all written off as "just schizophrenia" by so many.



But what I'm about to say seems so unlikely that again, it doesn't seem real to some,


but it's absolutely 100% true.


How did I do it? Law of Attraction, Karma, basically just being a good and positive person through interaction with metaphysical laws ----- that's the best way I can describe how the following happened:::


About August or September or October 2017 ---- some time along those lines, I can't remember exactly which days.

I won $22 in profit on the lottery.

"big deal", you might think.

But the thing is::: I won that money after playing 4 times consecutively, and winning 5 out of those 4 times.




June of 2018

I won $1 in profit on the lottery.

Now you are rolling your eyes "really big deal" -----

But the thing is:::: I won the lottery 6/6 times in a row.




Now, just yesterday and the day before yesterday,

I broke perfectly even on the lottery.

Yeah----- again, I played 4 times and won 3/4 times.





It seems unbelievable --- but it's absolutely true.  I still have my lottery tickets from June and the past few days. But I'm probably going to cash in one of my tickets from yesterday so it won't last forever.




The best I understand, I'm just using Karma and the Law of Attraction to my advantage, by thinking, saying and doing good things. Being positive and good.


And it's working.



I would understand if you didn't believe me, but I'm saying this because I'm not sure what else to do about it.


Maybe I'm risking something by saying this, but who knows.



It's just a very interesting truth/fact of my life I've found.



It seems unbelievable ---- except it is the truth.



And I've got the proof from June, and I've got the last 3 days tickets here, they can be examined and verified, until I cash in one of yesterday's tickets.




The odds, the chances of this happening, are very very slim.



So, that just leaves me with a magical universe to believe in. No other option, other than to become paranoid and say "it's a conspiracy!"


Magic seems real enough to me now, like it has so for long.


I realize I might be risking something by saying this, but I just don't know what else to do about this situation other than mention it.

Was it actually legitimate?

So, a long while back, while the Discover Store was still running, I was receiving these Japanese emails at my OUYA iCloud address.

iCloud eventually decided these emails were SPAM ---- and my Japanese interpreter friend thought the emails were fake and couldn't be believed -------

but what the emails claimed to be and were offering me at face value was some kind of Disney or Sony type company (it was something like that, I couldn't tell which one) and they offered me a lot of yen -------

Of course, I took it with "a grain of salt", meaning it could have seemed real, but everyone was unsupportive, especially the one person I know who could have interpreted these messages for me ---- our Japanese friend didn't believe it was actually real.


Well, I decided to look at my Spam Box to see what the latest Japanese email said.


Apparently, someone from "softbank.jp" is trying to contact me.


It's all very confusing because I don't understand Japanese and I rely entirely on Google translate, and though there seems to be an air of reality about the emails, you can't really help but wonder if it's all just a deception.



Whatever the case ----- after all these months, I must be the worst person to do business with, especially since if this is real ------ I can't help but wonder if all the yen spent on me is just a waste, because nearly nobody ever buys anything from me and they'll probably never get their money back.



To be clear:::: I Have no idea what's going on.


if this is real, well, everyone on my end didn't believe it and was unsupportive ---- and I don't understand Japanese very well and basically I feel clueless.


If it's fake, then no wonder iCloud sends it to the Spam box.


I don't know what to believe anymore ----- I'm not sure if it was actual business or if I was just talking to some kind of Spam troll.


And it probably doesn't help that I am or was considered schizophrenic constantly being told I'm delusional.



I'm not sure what's going on or what it's all about ----- heck, I'm not even sure exactly which company was supposed to be depicted if it was Disney or Sony. Not sure. Or someone else maybe? I have no idea who exactly is even trying to buy me. :). Or if it's even really for real.



A long while back I tried to tell Avril about it since I'm sure she's done business with both Disney and Sony, but Avril was absolutely zero help in figuring this out. She never said anything.


I just don't know or understand entirely. And my "friends" basically offered no help or basically didn't believe it.


So:::: I'm just really bad at business now I guess.

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

I'm conflicted in my mind

I feel two opposite ways about the same thing. This is called "ambivalence".

One moment, I'll be praying that someone successfully sues the church, the next moment, I realize that even if my life didn't work out perfectly, that the church did me a whole lot of good.



I am wrong on both sides of the LDS debate.



I have historically taken the pro- stance AND the anti- stance.


I'm wrong both ways.



There's just no winning.




Some things about the church obviously don't make much or any sense and it can seem easy to write the whole thing off as one big disaster.



But I think about my life, my experiences, everything I've learned --- and where I've come to ----- and I realize the LDS Mormon church did me a lot of good.



The church probably could have turned out better in my life ------- but even where I did end up, the church can be seen as a benefit or beneficial.



There are good things about the church, and there are some less than great things about the church.



I am just psychologically very conflicted personally about what side to sit on.



The obvious answer at this point is to take a "neutral" position ------ but, unfortunately, I remember the church teaching when I was young that you can't be neutral, you have to be either for or against.



So obviously it's not perfect when "neutrality" is the obvious answer and the church says that's not allowed.




Maybe I've graduated from the LDS Church program.  I got my Sunday Education, I learned so much, I figured out so much, I am where I am.


Maybe the church is basically just a  place to raise kids, which I do not have.



I basically feel that I am just a graduate of the LDS Church program ---- I am much more educated now than I might've otherwise been without it.


And no, I don't think anyone should be spending their whole life with the church unless it's their "job" ---- there's enough discordance in the religion or church organization that you wouldn't want to be with it forever. Unless, somehow magically, everything just works out perfectly for you, maybe.



I learned and experienced so much, but the church did not work out perfectly for me.


I loved being a Mormon, and I learned much and I got to a good place in life with that knowledge.




Maybe Mormonism is like a coloring book or an activity book ----- but much broader in its scope and far more enthralling.


You know, at the age of 8, it's like being handed a "choose your own adventure" book and being asked if you can figure out the mystery, basically.

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Trying to Remember

I've started to wear a Cross Necklace.

Wearing this Cross Necklace seems to help remind me and think about what it means to be an actual Christian. (My brain is so full of the leftovers from Mormonism that I have to wonder how accurate my theology is sometimes)

Something interesting I noticed:::

My cross gives a quote from the Bible that says "I can do all things" (through Jesus, or somesuch like that) -----

So, I figured, "I guess that means I can finally fully stop masturbating now".

SO: what's important about that?

Last night as I was going to bed, I felt some level of the pangs of temptation again ----- I knew what I was feeling was supposedly trying to get me to commit sin -------- but, basically, I guess the magic of the cross helped me feel "separate" from that temptation, insomuch that I was able to go to bed that night without doing anything "naughty".


But here's the thing about the temptation I experienced, and this also is similar to past times when I stopped the sin but felt temptation then also:


You know how I believe my masturbation was originally caused by a ghost right? And you know about my belief in telepathy and empathy right?


Well, on this occasion, which is similar to a past occasion when I had stopped, I actually felt that the temptation was just me feeling someone else committing sexual acts.

It doesn't make sense maybe, it seems totally mind-bending ----- but basically I when I feel the temptation to masturbate, especially when I've stopped masturbating and am actively staying separate from that behavior ----- the temptation simply feels like A DIFFERENT PERSON who I might be somehow spiritually connected to, it feels like someone else is committing the act, and I just get to feel it to, and be tempted by it.


Yes, it's totally mind-bending, and I understand if you don't understand.



To me, it just feels like someone else is doing it, and I'm somehow telepathically connected to the experience, and though I'm doing dick squat I feel the same or close to similar feelings of a person actually engaged in the act, even though I'm not doing it myself.



The simple of it::: It's very hard to avoid the temptation and even harder to resist the temptation::: but In my mind I gave my new cross the magical ability to help me resist temptation ----- at which point I was able to resist, but the temptation started to feel like someone else telepathically connected to me was committing the act and I was feeling someone else doing it even though I myself was just trying to go to sleep.


There.


I know, that probably doesn't make sense, but that's what it feels like.

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So::::: there are times where I can feel like I'm being mind-controlled to look positively upon the Mormons and their Church and I start forgetting anything and everything wrong.


I just sit there thinking::: They had miracles. Good for them. They promote good morality. Good for them.


I mean, for some reason it's like I'm mind-controlled to think at a very basic- face value level about the church, and I might even start thinking that they are actually really good people.



But just as I was talking to my brother today, the discussion reminded me of some problems with the whole church I'll bring up here:::::


NOWHERE in any of the Standard Works is masturbation specifically or explicitly banned or considered sinful. From the Bible, to the book of Mormon, to the D&C and pearl of great price, as far as I am aware, there's nothing that specifically and explicitly bans and forbids masturbation.


Yet::::: Growing up the church, they made it very clear masturbation is forbidden, and there were very real penalties for breaking that rule.



WHILE on the other hand, in The Book of Mormon AND in the New Testament JESUS makes it VERY CLEAR that it is adultery to marry a divorced woman.  In fact, even the MGTOW videos of today can clearly explain WHY it's wrong to marry a single mother.

And yet the church totally allows adulterous marriage in the temple even though it's against the rules of the actual scriptures.



SO:::: Though there's not a complete logical or scriptural reason to ban masturbation, the Mormons are vehemently against the behavior.


While the scriptures and actual logic dictate why it's wrong to marry a single mother, and the church is totally A-OK with this behavior.



Obviously, something is wrong here. I just thought I'd mention that.


Something just isn't making sense.



The worst philosophy against masturbation I can think of is that it's a nuisance, so don't if you don't have to.


But if you have to do it, as the case commonly is, then do it. Not really a big problem either. Generally, masturbation is usually a solution rather than the disease.



It's not scripturally banned, and it's a logical thing to do for men, and yet the church hates it.


While adultery is scripturally banned, and it's not even logical ----- yet the church will totally allow it.



Just really, really confusing.




SO::: the point of the bottom half of this blog post is to say::::


I can feel totally mind controlled to really like Mormons and Mormonism sometimes,


but it doesn't take much digging in my knowledge of experience or learning in the church to realize something is either very wrong or questionable.

Monday, August 20, 2018

Wishful Thinking

I talked to my parents::: My last post where I speculated that the Government of Alberta invested in me and then takes the money I earned as a return on their investment doesn't sound realistic to them.

My parents believe at face value what the internet says about most people being broke and in deep debt and all that ---- and that they just wouldn't buy anything I built.

To me, I don't feel any better thinking that people just don't like me or my work, so I have to "delude" myself into believing that I sold many copies, but something else took the money, like the government.

According to the pirating sites, I am well aware that people were interested in my work and that these people just wouldn't pay ------ but I like to imagine there were even more people who actually paid me---- even if the sales rankings don't show it.

I delude myself to make myself feel happy at this point.

But I realize that the facts at face value say that people just didn't want to give me any money.




I was just thinking about how I was such a good student:: I had such a future ahead of me.


But, low self-esteem and basically negative comments from people around me (including negative comments to myself in my own self-dialogue) kind of dropped me down to a point where the only way I'm getting by is through psychiatric treatment.


The Book of Mormon teaches humility over pride.


Though it's true that humility leads to exaltation, too much humility can lead to one's own downfall I think.



I just have to realize that most OUYA developers didn't earn much and that most self-published authors don't earn much.


It's depressing for me::: because my life story is absolutely amazing in some of the things that happened, and yet people just won't pay me the smallest price for anything I did.



I'm forced to live on a Government benefit system because the average normal person in society apparently can't be trusted to pay an honest price for a book or a video game.



One of the Good Things about Mormonism is it tried to teach moral uprightness::: it tried to teach doing the right thing even if everyone else isn't doing the right thing.


I know it's so easy to rage against the Mormons sometimes, but the truth is,

Most of the people who ever paid me for my work were actually Mormon.


It's true that the Mormons didn't all take interest in me like I would have hoped::::



But when I think about all the copies of The Book of Finch that I sold, a lot of my books sold to Mormons, of the books that did sell.


Mormonism may be very questionable, but I can't argue with the fact that of the people who read my book, most notably specifically the Mormons were the type who would ACTUALLY PAY FOR IT.


I haven't sold very many books, but many of the books I am aware I sold, I know I sold to MORMON PEOPLE.


While the rest of the internet was content just to rip me off.


This is one reason why I don't write off the Mormon church completely:::: OK, mostly I don't pay attention to them anymore, but I often find myself thinking positive things about some of the things I learned in the church.


The church is very questionable, but there has to be something said for the stalwart morality they try to teach.





I have to wonder if the world tries to hold moral grounds against me or if the world as a whole is immoral.

Like I've said before, I've been hated since my childhood by my own siblings, and it was just downhill from there.

Does anyone have any real legitimate reason to take grounds against me, or is it just a common flaw in human psychology that it's so hard to get along and do the right thing?

Thursday, August 16, 2018

I've got a lot to talk about here

I've got so much on my mind to talk about, I'm not even sure I'll remember to say it all.

Last Sunday a popular financial show on Youtube had a segment where they talked about someone who I'm pretty sure was on the AiSH program here in Alberta. This youtube show is usually discussing American things, but this time it was Alberta's AiSH recipients.

The person in question wanted to buy a house, especially using insurance money. The advice given was to create a new career post-disability.

It was actually from this show that I learned about a new feature of the AiSH program which was apparently not widely publicized, because I had to do a Google search to find out the details about it.

So::: On aish, the maximum living allowance is $1588CAD per month, and your maximum asset limit is $100,000.

In this show, I learned there's another maximum asset limit of $3000 ---- this asset limit pertains to recipients of AiSH who make use of further AiSH benefits in the "personal benefits" or "child benefits" categories.

NOTE::::: I do not receive any extra benefits personally, I am just on the $1588 ---- I do have over $3000 in financial assets.

My goal is also to buy a house ----- which means I have to hit it really big on a project.

But here's the thing:::

I looked up recent aish news on google ----- to find out when the new Personal benefits came into effect.

I found no mention of "personal benefits" ---- but I did find a news article from 4 months ago that said there's new room for disabled people in Alberta to have more wealth.

The news article said that the goal is for the government to see disabled persons as "Investments" rather than as "lost money".

The lightbulb is flashing in my head.

Now I am reasonably certain of something:::::: The government of Alberta probably or mostly actually does take the money I earn.

I was an investment when they forced me on drugs and aish. They forced me into this disability program because I WAS AN INVESTMENT.

I remember the idea was that I was supposed to be fixed up so I'd get back into working order again.

So:::: In plain terms, chances are I actually "belong" to the Province of Alberta.

The reason I accepted AiSH is because after all the bullcrap of my childhood, the situation was so dire in my life, especially with a father who was usually unemployed and we were very poor.

I needed AiSH money in order to do pretty much anything interesting with my life - so I was forced on AiSH and the meds as an INVESTMENT OF THE GOVERNMENT.

Right now I'm just having this delusion that I am basically like a crown-corporation or something.

You never know:: I might be.

My memory isn't always very good. I just have some small idea in my head that the government invested in me, so when I make money with my work -- they are the ones who take that money.


The GOOD news::: being on AiSH and then working on a big project PAYS OFF.

Maybe it doesn't pay off as well as it would if I had been paid all the money personally from my earnings,

but the thing is:::: After publishing the Book of Finch, the monthly living allowance was increased by $400 ----- that's about a 30% increase, which is VERY SUBSTANTIAL.

After building all the video games ---- Now there are new Personal benefits and Child Benefits for those on the program who aren't saving like mad like I have been.

I just have some idea that the whole idea was to get me to be working disabled ---- and as such Alberta now has a very prestigious disability program (in Canadian terms) --------- the more we work and publish and earn money as disabled people ---- the more the Government of Alberta improves our benefits.

It's kind of like a provincially based communist community. For disabled people of course.


I wonder how much I've ever really earned on all my projects.


A number of years ago:::: I found a used copy of one of my books priced at 2.6 million dollars on Amazon:::: was that a clue?


Who knows how contrived the information I see on the internet is. Who knows.



So:::: After telling my psychiatrist yesterday about all that's been going on, and then telling her my financial situation I said "so, I'm surviving".


She said "Sounds like you are MORE than just surviving".


Life is getting better.


It's just too bad that I have to have less than $3000 of savings before I have any chance of receiving greater personal benefits.  How am I supposed to save up to buy a house if extra money is has such a low asset limit on it?

I understand why the government would put an asset limit on extra money::: so they don't have to spend that extra money on people who are capable or who are likely to save so much.


Basically:::: If you can save over $3000 --- then obviously you don't need extra help do you?


That's how I see the logic.


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Earlier today one of my sisters and her kids were at our house.

I pulled out my guitar and started playing a bit ----- I know two songs, though the second song I'm not sure I'm doing it right -------

My niece said she wants a guitar ---- because she likes they way guitars sound.  She's a little musician --- she can play keyboard and recorder already.



Then later my other sister was at our house ---- her son now is learning the Ukelele. She thinks he now knows 4 chords. Awesome.


So::::: NOW my family is MUCH more musical than it was when I was a kid. My parents didn't really raise us kids with musical ability.

In school, my brother learned some guitar ----- but the guitar belonged to the school, and my parents were to poor to buy him one.

So:::: I was so poor, and I needed the government disability investment.

But yeah::::: In music class when I was in elementary school::: The best I could do is learn one bit of one song on keyboard ------- other than that I was a hopeless goner in music.

I was "lucky" I didn't have to do too much music because it was a subject I didn't really understand-----

but now, as an adult, I have a much better idea of what I'm doing. Music looked so hard and complicated when I was young ----- but now it's much easier to comprehend.

I've ordered a book that should help me learn Christmas Songs for Guitar. We'll see.


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And FINALLY:::::: What is my next project going to be????


I'm leaning towards going back into the development business, like my new friends suggested -----


But I'm not going to go back into debt to pay for a project ------ so I'm going to start saving my money.


BUT---- this next month I'm planning on acquiring new eyeware, so that might cost a bit.

Maybe I could build a game for my phone on my current mac mini ---- but if I want to use Unity 3D, then I'm going to want a new mac mini. If I'm going to use Java --- I want a new Mac Mini.

Also:::: My current Mac mini has the 1gigabyte Fusion drive, and an external 2 terabyte hard drive -----


I'm using up SO MUCH hard drive space. I would want a new mac mini with a nice big hard drive. At least a 2terabyte fusion drive.


So:::: the costs add up, so it's likely going to be a while before I save enough to build another project.


I'll also need an idea for a project. I'm always or usually able to think of my own ideas, but I don't have one yet.


So:::: At very least, we'll have to way until the new mac mini models are released this fall.  And then we have to wait for me to have the money saved to buy what I need.


I just have to say:::: I do feel encouraged by my new "friends" ---- before I was wondering if people just hated me -----


Now I have some vocal social support from people I don't know, and I also now have some idea that the government likely just takes what I earn because I am an investment.


I like games, I like developing, and I like improving my benefits with what I earn. It's worthwhile.


Canada's a good country ---- Living like I do, like a socialist, isn't so bad::: it's a stable and reliable income. The worst that's happened so far is I had to pay for my own expensive medical procedure and that set my personal economy into stagnation.




NOTE::: My memory is bad enough that at this point the idea that the government just takes what I earn might still just be speculation.

But it seems also to be most likely what's going on. To me at least.

Monday, August 13, 2018

Information appearing in my mind

I was just sitting in my chair by my desk, wondering how it is that I would need medication only directly after I got my LDS Patriarchal blessing ------


and then my mind was hit with information about what I'll call a "possibility" of why my life changed so drastically in so many different directions at the same time.


SO:::: the following is "speculation", which is based on thoughts that just magically entered my head, and as such, they may be "delusion" which means they might not be true ---- except the idea is kind of seeming plausible.


This is what I would call "telepathic information" ----- nobody said anything physically to me, but I heard it in my mind.



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The big idea I got is that the reason I was dumbed down and then forced on drugs which would result in making me a much bigger person is this:::::


Someone wanted me to be a football player.


In Grade 10 Physical Education class, there was a unit where we would go to the school gym and lift weights.

I know one of the teachers personally observed me on one of the leg-weight machines, and what I did on the leg weight machine was lift the maximum amount of weight I possibly could on that machine.

Combined with my large stature, maybe there was some idea that was going around that I could be a football player.

So after I got m patriarchal blessing,  I was met with a conflict::::::

On one hand, my personal agreement with God and the patriarch's words that I would serve GOD --- as a traveling preacher to the nations.

On the other hand, another force wanted me on drugs which would cause me to gain serious weight which might make me desirable for football. Also:: being considered schizophrenic and being on drugs would cause me to NOT serve the mission the patriarch had prophecied.


It was basically a situation where the church gave me "crazy" ideas or beliefs, and then my parents didn't have the intellectual ability or even desire to actually follow the church completely -------

According to what I understand now, there are some real myths or dishonest information that can really get passed around in society ----- and one of the things my Dad held to was a belief in brain chemicals, brain medication ------ and he never really fully accepted any doctrine of Demons actually being real and he basically had this problem that he was raising me in a church that he didn't fully believe in or follow himself.


SO:::::: maybe in order to make me a football player, the whole schizophrenia thing overtook my Dad's mind and he easily crumbled under the pressure to take me to mental illness land.


The truth is, my Dad wasn't a full-time believer in the church ---- so taking my church beliefs, then telling me I'm schizophrenic for them and forcing me on drugs for it was right up his alley.


And I just experienced thoughts being planted in my brain that the idea was to turn me into a football player.


If that's really true or not:: I don't really know, though telepathy exists there's no law that says it has to be honest or 100% accurate.





Of course, one aspect of what I was just thinking may MIGHT'VE been due to the fact that one of the people who contacted me the other day apparently plays or played Football. Not sure if this is the real reason, but it's worth noting.




SO::: the news here is that I was just hearing thoughts that gave me a new perspective on why they would want to dumb me down and make me gain weight:::: Football.

Sunday, August 12, 2018

My Most Honourable Male Friend

I was thinking about my friends when I was young.

In my last post I know I painted my male friends as troublemakers who were bad influences.

But that wasn't entirely true.

Everyone is imperfect, as they say, but when I thought about the different things I knew about my different friends ----- I have one male non-Mormon friend who stands out as being "more honorable" than the rest, as far as I knew him.

He and I didn't get along perfectly ---- but he was my friend, we grew up together, and I am not aware of anything so seriously wrong with him like could be said about so many of my friends.

Here's my clue as to who he was:::

He was my one and only friend who had a Nintendo and would invite me over to his house, and we would play his Nintendo.  He had seen so much Nintendo he had less interest in it than I, and would often take me out for bike rides.


he was also part of the "Sk8er" group in my grade 10 foods class, the group of friends that made me comparable to Avril's Sk8er Boi song.


He and I didn't get along perfectly, but he was, in fact, one of the Most honorable friends I think I had. He wasn't perfect, but he wasn't completely defective like so many were though.




What I was trying to say in my last blog post was that my "good influence Mormon friend" was disallowed from being friends with me, while all kinds of my "bad influence non-Mormon friends" were totally being permitted.


The fact that I had one non-Mormon friend who was actually honorable is just being noted so that not all "non-Mormons" are painted as bad.  What's weird is, that Sk8er group I was part of in Grade 10 foods was probably closest to being one of the most beneficial friendship groups I've ever been in ---- and I almost became the outcast or bad guy myself BECAUSE I WAS MORMON.  But they accepted me!  Amazing isn't it?


But that Grade 10 Foods group of friends only lasted for a little while in that small specific class during that time at school. It was over when the class was over.





ALSO::::: There were a couple of young men from the Mormon youth group who did accept me as a personal friend when I was young ----- I did have friends in the Mormon youth group ----- BUT BOTH OF THEM LEFT THE CHURCH WHEN THEY WERE STILL YOUTH AND DID NOT REALLY WANT TO ATTEND.



The only two guys who were Mormons who also specifically befriended me, both of them actually left the church shortly before I decided to high-tail it out of there too.


So:::: of the Mormon friends I did have ---- they did not stay Mormon.


and the ONE Mormon friend I had who was "Mormon and 'good influence' and didn't leave the church" ---- that friendship was forced to an end by those who had control.

Saturday, August 11, 2018

More Thoughts and leanings

Today I went for a long drive.

As I rode in the car, I had some thoughts about how strange the church's decisions in my life were.

I'll explain:::::

These days, I don't really have real friends like I used to when I was a kid ----- there is a big difference between the type of relationships I would have now versus the relationships I would have with FRIENDS when I was younger.

But something really concerns me as strange regarding the church's influence on friends in my life.


I had Annie Liability as a friend, and I had a bunch of male friends.


My male friends were typically non-members, so they didn't believe in Mormonism, they all held completely different philosophical values from the church ----- and as such, they could be bad influences, and in fact, I realize they could be considered troublemakers at that young age.

Annie Liability was the same religion as me, she was a Mormon and she tried to be what she understood to be a good influence on me ----- she was different from my other friends, but she was trying to have a positive impact on my life --- as far as she understood positivity, as far as I remember.



SO:::::: If my male friends were all non-Mormon troublemakers who could be bad influences,

while Annie Liability was a Mormon who tried to impress some kind of good value system in me as she understood it ------


WHY ON EARTH is it that the LDS MORMON church decided that I wasn't allowed to be friends with my "good" influence while they had absolutely no problem with my bad influence friends?


I tried to help Annie feel happy, and she helped keep me interested in life ------ yet the church absolutely demolished that friendship ----- she and I were both members, we were trying to impact each other in a good way, and yet the friendship just wasn't allowed.


While my other friends were not Mormons, and the church appeared to have zero problems with the bad influence they could potentially have had on my life.


I'm not allowed to be with my fellow Mormon good influence friend while I am allowed to be with a bunch of troublemakers who probably didn't help me that much.


Something just isn't making sense about the church's decision making. Not making sense at all.


And you want to know what's kind of sad??? The boys in my own quorum at church ----- they were basically just "church" friends ---- they never really were and never really became actual real close friends.


I basically grew up in the church environment but never got really close to the other members except for Annie Liability ----- who was taken away ---------


while the church had zero problems with potentially bad influences in my life.



It's just really confusing you know? I don't understand.


The other Mormons basically just didn't accept me ------ and let me be friends with non-Mormons ------


but when Avril Lavigne wanted to be my friend (as near as I could understand the communications I saw at the time) ----- OH NO --- the church definitely CAN'T allow that --------

even though they previously had zero problems with me being involved with non-Mormon influences.


I am just really, really confused here.  It's not making sense.



So::::  I'm just not clear in my mind about many of the decisions the church made in my life.



Another problem decision that comes to mind that I've mentioned before is this::::


I was a real smart kid ---- I was a top student.


As I grew in the church, I've eventually come to understand that the church DID NOT WANT me to be intelligent.  They really-really WANTED to dumb me down.

This can be explained especially when the Bishop's daughter and my sisters appeared to be deliberately trying to drive me insane, especially even through the chanting of some weird magic.

So:::: though the church, as I now understand, was actually deliberately trying to dumb me down because they actually didn't want people who were actually smart ----------

for some reason, after I lost my mind they decided I needed to take psychiatric medications in order to make me smart again.

????????

I'm just kind of confused.  They wanted me to be dumb. My patriarchal blessing did not say go to higher learnings institutions. My sisters and the bishop's daugther deliberately wanted me to lose my mind -------


and though it appears the church's goal was actually to make me not-smart, for some reason it suddenly became important to make me smart again through the use of psychiatric medications.


The thing is:::: the patriarch blessed me with an especially blessed mind ------- so it's weird his special blessing didn't just cure the schizophrenia, and it's weird that a drug that could easily be considered to be against the word of wisdom was actually determined to be that special blessing for my mind, even though before the blessing I had no need of such drugs before.


Something is really messed up about that.


Just more decisions that don't make sense.


They wanted me to be dumb ----- and then they wanted to smarten me up again with drugs even though their magic powers should have been perfectly capable of fixing me without medication.


Just so strange the decisions they were making.



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And finally,


I have some interesting news about my leanings on my financial plans::::


Previously, I figured I would just invest money that I received for the next while ------


But the law of attraction must have some real effect because having been asked to build another game, I feel more inclined to just save my money in a savings account until I have enough to buy everything need to get started on another project ---- and I don't even have an idea for a game yet.


Another force guiding me to just save my money in savings account rather than investment right now is I'm realizing I should probably get a new prescription and new glasses, so saving my money might be good for that too.


So. Hmmmm. Just inside of me, in my heart and in my thoughts, simply having been requested to build another game I am leaning towards saving for equipment and game development rather than just investing it.


Just the way I feel right now. I am pretty certain that other's use of the Law of Attraction can have effect on me, not only in this situation where another game is requested,


but also in the situation where my sisters wanted me to lose my mind, and also in the situation where my friends at school could have been a bad influence.


The Law of Attraction seems like something reasonable to believe in to me.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

I received some encouragement

After all this time having my games for sale ----- I said people could write comments suggestions and bug reports to me -------


but today was probably one of the earliest personal contacts from the OUYA community - a couple guys decided to chat with me.



We talked about a bunch of stuff or a bit of stuff which was almost a bunch -----



I just feel appreciated now ---- he/they encouraged me to build another game. They were fans.



So that was nice.



I might not have mentioned this on my website, but I noticed the day they decided to contact me was AUGUST 8th 2018 -------

8/8/'8


Huh. yeah. It seems foreboding. Or at least a bit historical in someone's life.


So yeah ----- turns out there are other people out there ------ and they did enjoy my games, and did want me to continue with the business.


We'll see ----- I would need a new creative idea, funding for the new version of Unity, equipment, app store publishing access -------- and it's hard to think of sinking the money at this point when historically sales seemed so dismal.



But it was really nice of them to encourage me. They even said they'd check out my book! Hah ---- we'll see.

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

I Built a Mac Utility!

Using my 1.4ghz Mac Mini and XCode I've managed to build a utility.

I figured I wanted an easy way to monitor processor usage on my mac --- especially when the screensaver is turned on,

so I built a utility that beeps and records every second that my mac uses over a user-specified percentage of processing power.

You can specify if you want to monitor User CPU usage, System CPU usage, or both at the same time.

So::: rather than keeping the Activity Monitor open and letting it chew up resources -- with much less processor usage I can now get a good idea of when your CPU is being used, now even when the screensaver is turned on!

I'm pretty happy with myself for figuring this one out.


I'm thinking I might try selling this utility plus my two other mac apps in my bitcoin store ----- but we'll wait and see before we're sure I want to.


Oh sure, I could set up a website and let people download my little programs for free ----- but then I'd likely be paying for the website and I'd see no income -----


Therefore I can save my money by not setting up a website, and then make money by having people pay me bitcoin for my apps. Sounds good to me.


So yeah, I've got a little "CPU Usage Checker" app now. I feel like I've accomplished something.

Maybe I'll eventually sell it in my bitcoin store.

I just have to hope that people will finally start wanting to actually spend their bitcoins or spend their money on anything I might try.


I'm getting used to the dearth of sales ----- but considering the cheapness of my e-products historically I basically have to scratch my head about how people just wouldn't pay anything.

Monday, August 6, 2018

My Progress

I post on this blog because my portal tells me people do visit this site. Who knows why ---- maybe to check up on me after the dark history my life had to go through.

Don't worry, things are really lightening up in my life ----- the worst part about my life today is the persistent memories of the past, and a small amount of continuing problems with one member of my family (not much we can do about that though and it's not a big deal).


So::::

In Guitar:::  My C-Chord still has problems.  My other chords all sound "strummy".  My C-Chord sounds "plucky". It's just not right. I get my fingers in the right position, but it just, often, doesn't turn out right. Pray for my C-Chord.



As for using my 1.4ghz Mac Mini with only 4gb of RAM when updating Bitcoin Core -----

I increased my "dbcache" to about 800 - I think ---- I have "par" set to -1 and

I noticed that the way it seems to run best or fastest is to set the NICE on the app to 20 and then move my cursor into a corner and let the hot corner turn on the screensaver.

Just a moment ago I came back from 15 minutes of the app updating this way, and I was getting 0.12 or 0.13 percent per hour.  After turning off the screensaver::: the update process did begin to slow down again.



so::: to check your nice:::

the command is:

ps -O nice -p (your process PID here)

To update your nice::::

sudo renice 20 -p (your process PID here)





And lastly, I thought I'd try developing a small utility on this new 1.4ghz machine -----

I have to say, this is a slow machine.  A faster machine would really speed up the process I'm sure.


And I still have to figure out exactly what I'm doing to build that small utility anyways.

Who knows if I'll ever figure it out.


NOTE:::

In the manpages it's confusing to figure out if -20 or 20 is high priority.  I've come to understand from experience that 20 is most likely high priority. I might be wrong. The documentation is confusing.

Friday, August 3, 2018

New Information about my slow computers

So in a recent blog post I tried to give a bit of a review of my new refurbished 1.4ghz mac mini and used the updating of my bitcoin core client as a "benchmark" on how fast my computers ran, in comparison.


I said my 1.4ghz mac mini would go 100% on one core for about half an hour and get quite a bit of work done -----

while my quad core pentium linux laptop seemed very slow.


Well, I figured some things out:::

1) I reconfigured the bitcoin.conf file on my linux laptop. Now bitcoin core on my quad core pentium runs A LOT faster.  I fixed it somehow.

2) My 1.4ghz mac mini started to really-really slow down when downloading the information ------

so I decided to scrap the new fresh download of the bitcoin blockchain and just transferred the entire wallet from my 2012 mac mini to my new mac mini using file transfer.

Copying the wallet using file transfer was definitely the faster way to go ----- but the problem persists where updating the blockchain on my new computer is exceedingly slow, regardless of how I try to configure bitcoin.conf.

So:::::: I know when I first tried doing bitcoin core that I could very easily see the program working at 100% on one core on my mac -------- but after a while, and no matter how I try to fix it, these days I am very lucky if I happen to get to 20% processor usage ---- it spends much time using only about 5% of one core.


So, configuring my Linux Laptop the laptop became a lot, lot faster.


While without anything changing my new mac mini slowed down completely, and now that I'm trying to play with the bitcoin.conf file here too ----- not much seems to make any difference.


It feels like some exterior force is really throttling down this mac mini. I don't see why it was perfectly capable of running at 100% for a good long while, but now barely reaches 20% on the same application doing the same thing.



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Today I tried checking my email on my Linux Laptop ---- and google was giving me a hard time.

Then google started alerting me to my own login attempt.


I will just explain here on my blog:::: the reason the login attempt seems so suspicious from my Linux Laptop is just yesterday our ISP came out and gave us a new modem ----- and this modem changes a whole bunch of stuff, so it probably also changed our DHCP IP address as well ---- and that might be why my email checking on my laptop seemed suspicious to google's automation.


Nothing to really be concerned about though.