Friday, June 22, 2018

Recording my treatment and symptoms

In the last few hours before injection two injections ago I remember I told my doctor that I was feeling a lot better about my sense of well being ---- and that if I could be weaned off my med, that would be nice.

The doctor "said" I should be kept on my med.

But that injection, two injections ago, someone different gave me my injection. It wasn't the regular nurse.


Anyway ----- shortly before that injection I started feeling really good about my wellbeing as the drugs were wearing off ----- and then for the next 2 weeks at least, I started feeling absolutely amazing --------- I called myself "manic" in that state because I was just so enjoying my life.


In that period of time, I even started feeling like I could fix homelessness if only I had been paid for my previous work. That is serious motivational feelings.



I just watched a video on Youtube that explains some things about curing schizophrenia ----- one of the things it explains is that two "negative" symptoms of schizophrenia are 'flat effect of emotions' and 'lack of motivation'.  The video also stated that the anti-psychotic medications actually increase flat effect and decrease motivation.   The only things that anti-psychotics really treat are positive symptoms like hallucinations and delusions.



So::::: two injections ago I started having very happy emotions after injection and I felt sooo darned motivated to end homelessness.


I'm willing to bet that there was something completely different going on with that injection --- with a completely different nurse.


I was very happy, or at least feeling very well, and I felt I could really do some good in the world --- after that injection.



It is actually known that the meds flatten emotion and this is actually considered a negative symptom ----- so seeing as how my emotions had considerably brightened up, and I was feeling very motivated ------- something must've been different about that injection.



And in my latest injection, I was with the same old nurse again ------- and I feel more or less flattened emotions again and less motivated to do stuff ---- as if I was put back on drugs in at least a similar way.



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One of the problems I experienced with my schizophrenia diagnosis was this:::::::


The religion I grew up with, the LDS Church ----- They told me just months before that I would witness and perform miracles and hear the voice of the holy ghost.


Both of the psychiatrists I met just months later did NOT like what the church had told me ------ working miracles and hearing the HG's voice were considered to be just hallucinations, regardless of how it was the church who told me to believe it in the first place.


Another problem was that the church wouldn't defend the beliefs they gave me. They essentially just told me what to believe, and then forced me on drugs for believing it. Wasn't very nice.


The church also told me I would be an honored and respected servant of the Lord and that I'd be a traveling preacher to the nations ------------ but any allusion to these ideas with the psychiatrist were basically just summed up as "grandiose delusions".


So I was raised by my parents to believe in things that I was then diagnosed and forced on drugs for believing. The church never defended what they told me to believe, my Mom still believes in the church despite the fact that I'm being drugged for believing that stuff ----- and my Dad had a very difficult time stepping away from the church.


So ------ I'm confused about the logic of telling me what to believe and then forcing me on drugs for believing it.

I'm also confused about why my Mom is OK with that. Something just doesn't add up or make sense. It's not logical. (and they said that I was the schizophrenic one. Sheesh)


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When I became diagnosed with schizophrenia, there are three things I want to mention:::

1) Again, my sisters and their friends stated that they were deliberately trying to drive me crazy.

2) For a while, I couldn't sleep very well or at all.

3) I also suffered from a lack of motivation for a while.


This just leads me to suspect that maybe I was at very least being abused at the time ------ and maybe I was even being drugged or poisoned.


The simple fact that I couldn't sleep indicates that someone may have drugged me or poisoned me with a serious stimulant. And it is possible that this could have happened.


Problem::::: paranoia is part of the problem in Paranoid Schizophrenia -------- I actually was never really very paranoid, but it was very obviously visible in my life that people were actually hurting me back then.


I wasn't having delusions of persecution. I wasn't just paranoid.


The persecution was actually very real. I'm not going into detail here though.


And part of the problem was that my Sisters didn't even care to support me in my time of being troubled ------ my own sisters had a long history of themselves trying to tear me down.


So I was kind of screwed.


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OH --------- and besides having a few weeks two injections ago where I could actually feel like my med was a bit different -----------



More recently something else has changed -------- my appetite.


I used to eat beef more.  These days I'm really enjoying the chicken.

Also:::::: I have a much-reduced appetite now. I've only been finishing my meals because I'm basically force feeding myself to ------- the actual truth is that portion sizes could be reduced maybe to 80-90% of their current size and I would feel more at ease about eating ------ I'm actually feeling absolutely stuffed about 80-90% of the way through the meal, and I only finish the meal because I don't want to waste food, not because I'm hungry. In fact, I'm far from hungry that for through the meal. I get absolutely stuffed and it's very difficult to eat all the food I'm provided with.


SO::::: something does definitely seem different.


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The main points of this post are:


1) Two injections ago I don't think I was receiving my usual injection.

2) My appetite has become very much reduced.

3) The LDS Church raised me to believe, I was drugged for those beliefs, people's decision making wasn't making sense and is not logical, but somehow I was the one being told I was schizophrenic.

4) I recognize it's possible that I was being drugged/poisoned or at very least heavily abused when I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and that saying I was having paranoid delusions was actually a complete misnomer because it was very clear, present, and real that people were actually just hurting me in my life, even in my own family. It wasn't a paranoid delusion is what I'm saying. It was actually very real pain I was going through ------ and if I was "paranoid", it was only because I had already experienced so much previous mistreatment in my life.



The truth is, that from my perspective as a patient when i was first diagnosed this is how it felt::::


I felt like I was being punished because I was abused.


That's basically how it felt.


I was abused, and the psychiatry was just a punishment for having been abused.


Maybe there's some level of delusion in how I felt about it, but that's basically the way it seemed.

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