Friday, June 8, 2018

No! I want to forget!

So, for the past couple weeks or so I had forgotten so much, and I was living psychically in a blissful wonderland where there was no past to haunt me and life became magical.

More recently, some of my memories have been coming back to me ---- and just by remembering things, that alone puts a real damper on my mood.

It's really too bad when simply having memories of your life brings your psychology into a lower state.

So::: I had about a couple weeks there where I was in a blissful, more or less manic state ----

and now I'm sensing some level of light depression.


I was remembering how odd it is when my brain's logic processor didn't seem to work in the past.

I know reality is magical, in so many ways, but I understand how mental illness is seen as a problem because I'm remembering some of my own issues I've had in the past and I'm wondering what the heck was wrong with me.

I can remember 3 times in my life where I was making bad decisions and really my logic processor just wasn't operational,

plus remembering how I used to be one of the best math students but by grade 12 I was unable to perform like I had always been used to be able to.


That led me to remember the magic of the Law of Attraction ---- you get what you want -----

and really, the best explanation I can think of, magically, for why my brain went haywire was simply because people used to mistreat me quite a bit and my sisters and their friends were actually deliberately trying to drive me insane.

These memories just aren't any good. Forgetting and living in blissful ignorance of my own past was so much fun.

Remembering sucks.

Either way, I'm gonna be considered mentally ill however you cut it I think.


Remember people::: The ONLY people you really have in life, the only people who in the end you should be able to have, is your family. Even your best friends can just up and disappear.

All you have, really, is your family.


So it's such a shame and very sad when siblings are mean to each other and can't simply be helpful and lift each other up.


Siblings should be there for each other, to uplift each other, and make each other's lives better-----


because it's a real disaster when for who knows what reason you just can't get along.


My whole family has problems::: we only have one member of our family who turned out really well or quite well.


Basically, my brain is just haunted by this major problem in my life:::


The Law of Attraction says we get what we ask for,


and all throughout my childhood, all I have is memories of one of my sisters being mean and calling me and my brother names.

She grew up to be nicer, but as a child, she was an absolute disaster.



The whole reason I joined the Mormon church was I had a hope the Mormon church might teach my sister morality and how to behave herself.


The baptismal covenant didn't really stick to my sister --- it seemed ---- so ten or more years later when she finally went for the endowment ---- only then did a glimmer of hope light up that she'd start behaving herself.


She was baptized and a member of the church for years and it never fixed her.


She basically had to go to the temple where I think they teach you not to criticize ---- she had to go there and do that over and over and over again before the name calling and nasty words stopped.


Anyway. Remembering sucks.


If I'm schizoaffective, then for the past couple weeks I was basically manic --- but now some of my memories are back, and it's bringing me down.


Just thought I'd let you have that update.

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