Tuesday, June 26, 2018

What I Risk Becoming

Today I was playing with my nephew --- a foam sword fight.

As we were playing, I put my hand on my belly, and I felt something weird in or near my belly-button.

I told my nephew that there seemed to be something strange underneath my shirt ---- so I untucked my shirt from my pants to retrieve what had basically been hiding in my belly-button.

Half a peanut.


I mean ----- either this was some kind of magic trick played by some higher power that was supposed to be entertaining for my young family member ---------

or I've become so fat and slovenly that I don't even realize I'm dropping peanuts in my belly-button when I eat.

It doesn't even make sense ----- I'm always wearing a shirt --- except for when I shower.  How on earth did a peanut end up there????

Anyway ------ A little while ago I purchased a very-very comfortable chair and put it in my bedroom so I can sit on something extra-nice while watching shows.

I'm noticing that there's no shortage of food in my life and that I probably eat too much.

And my physical activity isn't as much as it should be.

Sometimes when I'm lying alone in bed, I have a realization that I could end up being one of those ultra-overweight people who is bed-ridden who is constantly ordering delivery for every meal.

This might be a reason why I need a family --- just to keep me encouraged to keep walking or whatever.

Anyway -------- I just notice how sedentary my life has become -------- and my fat and slovenly self can be illustrated with how I mysteriously or magically found a peanut in my belly-button as I was sword fighting my nephew.

I just don't understand how that peanut got there ------- except that I am kind of a couch-potato these days --- especially with my new comfy chair.

This blog post is just me talking about my realization that I might go in a bad direction health-wise with all my eating and sitting around.

Maybe another sad thing I can mention is that I don't really have friends.

I kicked the LDS Church out of my life ----- so I don't hang around with those people.

All I've really got is

my family
my psychiatric community

and I get mixed-messages from Avril Lavigne.

I don't even worry about Facebook.

So:::::: I'm fat and lonely. My potential future looks like a downhill slide.

But then again ------ who knows if something really good will happen.

Monday, June 25, 2018

Pros and Cons

With how my book and video game are entitled "The Eagle's SORE" and "PFHONGE", and how I was supposed to be a real somebody in the LDS Church someday according to my Patriarchal Blessing ------- you just have to wonder how much I could really get involved or accomplish with the latest callings of Elder Gong and Elder Soares to the twelve apostles of the LDS Church.

But then, if I were to be an LDS person -------- it's like the church constantly faces lawsuits from all the things that have gone wrong and may go wrong.

I'm in a position where I could have been given a real headache by all the problems ------

but I also see the problems myself and have been tempted to declare my own lawsuit at least once in my life. (not that I know anything about declaring lawsuits).

The fact simply remains::::: Whether I am PRO-LDS or ANTI-LDS ------- I already have some idea that I personally will be considered wrong on either side of the debate. I can't really take a position on either side and still be completely "innocent" either way. It's sad, but I understand that I'll be wrong no matter which side I might try to take.

SO:::::: the church is a mixed bag.  It's got good things, it's got bad things. In my mind recently I have often been flip-flopping between thinking about the good and bad. I can't make my mind up it seems about what side to really stick to sometimes.

Good things about the church::::::

Teaches some good things like "don't use tobacco" and tries to encourage "doing your best", essentially. If a Mormon really tried to follow Mormonism as it is basically laid out in the beginning ---- that is pretty much a good thing --------- always trying to keep a covenant to do the right thing or make right choices.  On this level, it encourages good behavior. This is a pretty good thing.

It also provides fun activities for members to participate in. That's OK too.

And there definitely seemed to be a real and valid miraculous force or power in the church.

Questionable things about the church:::::

I'm not even going to talk about all the ways Joseph Smith Jr screwed up here.

Yesterday I was wondering about what exactly it was the LDS Church personally wanted me to do.

What I mean is::::::

I suffer or suffered from a very strong sex drive for much of my grown life.

I wasn't allowed to date or marry 2 different females ---- but I wasn't allowed to masturbate either.

If I wasn't allowed to date or marry 2 possible choices ------- and if I wasn't allowed to masturbate to deal with those strong urges -------- then what exactly was I supposed to be doing??????

I was asking my Dad this question ------ the problem is unanswerable and is indefensible it seems like.

The church would so quickly forgive the leadership that made these decisions in my life -----

but then they would torment me about being a normal male with normal urges.

What exactly was I supposed to do with all my sexual energy???

Tormented for masturbating.

DIsallowed to date and marry two potential spouses.

What exactly was I supposed to be doing then???? The two options that would be the least painful weren't allowed either way.

So it's just really confusing.


SO, I can see the good things in the church, but I also see the bad things in the church.

I'm in a unique position where I would almost want to declare my own lawsuit, but I could have ended up on the wrong end of that lawsuit if my life had played out differently.

And I realize I'm going to be wrong on either side of the argument.

So, that's just too bad for me I guess.

Friday, June 22, 2018

Recording my treatment and symptoms

In the last few hours before injection two injections ago I remember I told my doctor that I was feeling a lot better about my sense of well being ---- and that if I could be weaned off my med, that would be nice.

The doctor "said" I should be kept on my med.

But that injection, two injections ago, someone different gave me my injection. It wasn't the regular nurse.

Anyway ----- shortly before that injection I started feeling really good about my wellbeing as the drugs were wearing off ----- and then for the next 2 weeks at least, I started feeling absolutely amazing --------- I called myself "manic" in that state because I was just so enjoying my life.

In that period of time, I even started feeling like I could fix homelessness if only I had been paid for my previous work. That is serious motivational feelings.

I just watched a video on Youtube that explains some things about curing schizophrenia ----- one of the things it explains is that two "negative" symptoms of schizophrenia are 'flat effect of emotions' and 'lack of motivation'.  The video also stated that the anti-psychotic medications actually increase flat effect and decrease motivation.   The only things that anti-psychotics really treat are positive symptoms like hallucinations and delusions.

So::::: two injections ago I started having very happy emotions after injection and I felt sooo darned motivated to end homelessness.

I'm willing to bet that there was something completely different going on with that injection --- with a completely different nurse.

I was very happy, or at least feeling very well, and I felt I could really do some good in the world --- after that injection.

It is actually known that the meds flatten emotion and this is actually considered a negative symptom ----- so seeing as how my emotions had considerably brightened up, and I was feeling very motivated ------- something must've been different about that injection.

And in my latest injection, I was with the same old nurse again ------- and I feel more or less flattened emotions again and less motivated to do stuff ---- as if I was put back on drugs in at least a similar way.


One of the problems I experienced with my schizophrenia diagnosis was this:::::::

The religion I grew up with, the LDS Church ----- They told me just months before that I would witness and perform miracles and hear the voice of the holy ghost.

Both of the psychiatrists I met just months later did NOT like what the church had told me ------ working miracles and hearing the HG's voice were considered to be just hallucinations, regardless of how it was the church who told me to believe it in the first place.

Another problem was that the church wouldn't defend the beliefs they gave me. They essentially just told me what to believe, and then forced me on drugs for believing it. Wasn't very nice.

The church also told me I would be an honored and respected servant of the Lord and that I'd be a traveling preacher to the nations ------------ but any allusion to these ideas with the psychiatrist were basically just summed up as "grandiose delusions".

So I was raised by my parents to believe in things that I was then diagnosed and forced on drugs for believing. The church never defended what they told me to believe, my Mom still believes in the church despite the fact that I'm being drugged for believing that stuff ----- and my Dad had a very difficult time stepping away from the church.

So ------ I'm confused about the logic of telling me what to believe and then forcing me on drugs for believing it.

I'm also confused about why my Mom is OK with that. Something just doesn't add up or make sense. It's not logical. (and they said that I was the schizophrenic one. Sheesh)


When I became diagnosed with schizophrenia, there are three things I want to mention:::

1) Again, my sisters and their friends stated that they were deliberately trying to drive me crazy.

2) For a while, I couldn't sleep very well or at all.

3) I also suffered from a lack of motivation for a while.

This just leads me to suspect that maybe I was at very least being abused at the time ------ and maybe I was even being drugged or poisoned.

The simple fact that I couldn't sleep indicates that someone may have drugged me or poisoned me with a serious stimulant. And it is possible that this could have happened.

Problem::::: paranoia is part of the problem in Paranoid Schizophrenia -------- I actually was never really very paranoid, but it was very obviously visible in my life that people were actually hurting me back then.

I wasn't having delusions of persecution. I wasn't just paranoid.

The persecution was actually very real. I'm not going into detail here though.

And part of the problem was that my Sisters didn't even care to support me in my time of being troubled ------ my own sisters had a long history of themselves trying to tear me down.

So I was kind of screwed.


OH --------- and besides having a few weeks two injections ago where I could actually feel like my med was a bit different -----------

More recently something else has changed -------- my appetite.

I used to eat beef more.  These days I'm really enjoying the chicken.

Also:::::: I have a much-reduced appetite now. I've only been finishing my meals because I'm basically force feeding myself to ------- the actual truth is that portion sizes could be reduced maybe to 80-90% of their current size and I would feel more at ease about eating ------ I'm actually feeling absolutely stuffed about 80-90% of the way through the meal, and I only finish the meal because I don't want to waste food, not because I'm hungry. In fact, I'm far from hungry that for through the meal. I get absolutely stuffed and it's very difficult to eat all the food I'm provided with.

SO::::: something does definitely seem different.


The main points of this post are:

1) Two injections ago I don't think I was receiving my usual injection.

2) My appetite has become very much reduced.

3) The LDS Church raised me to believe, I was drugged for those beliefs, people's decision making wasn't making sense and is not logical, but somehow I was the one being told I was schizophrenic.

4) I recognize it's possible that I was being drugged/poisoned or at very least heavily abused when I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and that saying I was having paranoid delusions was actually a complete misnomer because it was very clear, present, and real that people were actually just hurting me in my life, even in my own family. It wasn't a paranoid delusion is what I'm saying. It was actually very real pain I was going through ------ and if I was "paranoid", it was only because I had already experienced so much previous mistreatment in my life.

The truth is, that from my perspective as a patient when i was first diagnosed this is how it felt::::

I felt like I was being punished because I was abused.

That's basically how it felt.

I was abused, and the psychiatry was just a punishment for having been abused.

Maybe there's some level of delusion in how I felt about it, but that's basically the way it seemed.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Good Things about my family

I've probably mentioned the deliberate driving of myself insane too many times to count recently on this blog ----- but that was just one moment in history, and it was my sisters' friend who actually started it,

so now, here, I am going to write some good things about my family.

Every member of my family has good traits.

1) My Dad ------- he's a great driver and a great handyman. Not fun to talk to for me, but he's a cog in the family's gears that keeps things working.

2) My Mom -------- She's good to talk to, great listener, worked at a job and kept the family running ----- if there's anything good about Mormonism, my Mom tries to exemplify it.

3) My older brother --------- I really appreciate my brother because he's not a total freeloader. He has learned to pay for things in a BIG way. Whenever I have coffee, or candy, or pizza or anything that he needs that he doesn't have which I do ----- he'll gladly pay me for mine. I really appreciate this. It's a good thing he does.

4) The older of my sisters --------- She was a real pain in my neck as a kid, but as an adult, she has become nicer and *more* responsible. She actually is attempting to engage in an industry too, as if she feels she's in competition with me for making the big bucks ---- although the potential to make the big bucks was in my industry while it'd be great to see her at least break even in what she's doing.

5) My youngest sister ----------- My youngest sister is the only one of us who turned out really well.  She was a mostly good kid, she's a good adult ----- most people really like her.  She's nice and responsible.

SO:::: My family isn't really all that bad.

It's just that according to Mormonism home is supposed to be a refuge ---- but #4, the older of my sisters, she was just a real pain in the neck as a kid -------- and then Mormonism said I was always supposed to forgive everything, which means I was never allowed to lay down the law, and well, by the time I became an adult - school, school problems, and home problems and church problems basically had me burned out.

So, I had a hard time as I grew up, but now currently as an adult, things are going better ---- the worst part is just having memories.

I'm writing this post just to let you know my family is at least somewhat functional.

The only real bad thing I can say about my family in the current sense is that the females don't understand how to ask God for help making money. It's not in their grammar.

My understanding is that if you want to do anything in life, it's really good to get God's help with it.

The women in my family just don't understand asking God for help making money.

That's the biggest problem.

Other than that ----- my family actually operates pretty well. As long as I don't have memories.

Sunday, June 17, 2018

An Amazing Thing

In this blog post I'm going to say something amazing::: and it's true ---- but this type of thing might be commonplace enough in magical reality that it might be easily forgettable.

About a week or so ago I started becoming depressed. Just having memories from my life history were bringing me down.

This morning, I had a headache, a youtube video reminded me of how much I've suffered in my own family. And I was depressed.

So, I came upstairs and tried talking with my Dad about the problems on my mind ---- of course, true to his nature, all he could respond with was interruptions, arguments and really just isn't a good person to talk to.

I took an Ativan. Mostly, the discussion ended.

But I still had a headache.

So, I went to lie down again, and my headache was kind of getting pretty bad ------

So all I said was "Dear Heavenly Father, please send Jesus to heal my headache".

Very quickly, 99% of my headache was gone. Right now about 99.5% of the headache is gone.

As I am writing this, I literally feel like my brain was overcome by a healing and I don't feel the vast majority of the pain I was feeling just moments ago.


It was always a really big question for me how a man declared miraculous by the church would then instantly be declared Schizophrenic.

If I was miraculous -- couldn't we just magically heal the schizophrenia?

I suppose there were problems though, like

1) My sisters were actually deliberately trying to drive me insane. They WANTED mental illness ----- it wouldn't make sense to God to ask for my mental illness and then ask for an instant healing right after ---

so my family is a bit foolish, to say the least....

2) but also, as I was discussing with my Dad today ----- in a lot of ways the LDS Church just doesn't make any sense.

Today it was basically just going over D&C 64 and the whole forgiveness doctrine and double standard in the church.

SO::::: I was declared miraculous, but I was instantly held as schizophrenic as well.

Asking for insanity just isn't the brightest thing to do. And all I was ever told was that I was required to forgive them.

The situation just didn't work.


But now, just now, I reached a point in my life where I was having a bad headache ---- and just by asking God for a healing I got a very quick healing.  That was pretty cool.

I was feeling rotten this morning, especially with the headache.  Asked for a healing, and now I'm no longer hurting.


The point of discussion I had is illustratable with how::::

My sisters would actually want me to be mentally ill,,,

and all the church would say is that everything has to be forgiven.

My sisters were clearly hurting me,

and the church can't just let me declare a suit or lay down the law about their behavior.

So:::: though the miraculous should easily heal schizophrenia, the miraculous actually became schizophrenic.

That doesn't help the church's credibility, especially when members of the church itself were actually trying to cause mental illness.

Just really dumb.


At least the headache is gone.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

My Life is a Dream ---- Freakish Storyline

On May 20th 2018 I created a PDF with a story contained within.

Only my Mom and I have read that story unless someone else has been looking at my iCloud files.

What the fictional short story said basically came true in a distorted way in just the following days and weeks after.

I basically have this recent "storyline" on my blog that starts somewhere with me declaring my sister to be "innocent" --- basically a forgiveness of the extreme difficulty she was for me as a kid.

About the time of writing that post, I had created a short story that I was thinking about publishing but didn't because when my Mom read it, she didn't laugh ---- and it was supposed to be funny (and based on current events, or a fictional variation on current events).

Maybe it's just hard to get Mormons to laugh ----- but I didn't publish the story since she didn't find it as amusing as I did.

The thing is::::: something really weird happened basically in the past month -------- and though not exactly the same ------- it actually directly resembles something I fictitiously wrote just days before this freakish storyline on my blog started.

There's a video game called "Alan Wake". That game was interesting for me. It actually resembles what just happened to me in real life right in recent experience.

Life seems like a dream. It's like I'm already dead and gone to some kind of heaven that only resembles what I knew in "real life".

It could also be looked at like I was down on a lower level when I was young ---- but when I got my patriarchal blessing something completely magical happened and now I'm just growing and progressing.

What reality really is has become so mind-boggling. To me, life is magical.

How anything ever happens now can basically be summed up in the law of attraction basically: "Thoughts become things".

I wrote a short story fictitiously based on current events ------ and in a sense, in a very immediate sense ----- the story came true.

I'm just sitting here in awe of what has happened.  Absolutely amazing. Just like Alan Wake - except with a different story being written.


With how a wrote a short fictional story in a recent event time frame ----- and then the story basically came true, more or less,

and how Elder GONG and Elder SOARES became LDS apostles -----

and a whole history of very interesting things happening --------

My mind is just blown.  Reality is far more magical and amazing than I would have known as a kid. Having faith is a big part of finding out though.


My current lock-in period as a home connection with my ISP is going to end within a month or so ------- it's becoming [more] possible [it seems] at this point for me to switch to a business internet connection where I can set up my own website and distribute my own whatevers.

Maybe if I do set up my own business connection with my own server ---- maybe then I can distribute my short story. Just for the fun of it. To show you what ai wrote and compare it to what happened. Maybe.

You could say I could just publish the story on Amazon Kindle or something ---- but no, I know people won't pay me for it, and the story is going to be dated, so I might as well just release it as a PDF on my own serve in coming months.

If anything happens at all. We'll see.

The Love is a Root

This morning I looked at my inbox and saw an email from someone offering to me to join some kind of club or program that offered to make me very wealthy.

Just yesterday my injections nurse reminded me of the old Bible quote "The love of money is a root of all kinds of evil".

I have developed the opinion that if GOD actually wanted me to be very wealthy, then he could and would make me very wealthy very quickly. No problems with him being capable of doing that.

But he's not doing that.

I may have had a sort of goal since I was young to make lots of money ------ but to put it simply I have learned from repeated experience that I've basically hit a glass ceiling ----- it actually seems like I'm just plain not allowed to become super-wealthy.

I've determined that the best I can do is live below my means and invest what's left over.  That's the best I can do.

I can't even trust people to actually pay me for anything I ever do --- even if I charge only the smallest price.

Considering how money is a root of all kinds of evil, and how God could make me very wealthy IF he wanted to, I've decided just to not bother with this email.

As far as I'm concerned, becoming wealthy with God's help may be as simple as getting the women in my family to simply just ASK for God's help.

So far --- I think that's what's held me back, is that the women in my family don't realize it's as simple as asking God.

The women in my family basically say they just don't agree with such tactics.

Maybe I should respect their wishes ---- especially as I'm comfortable enough where I am and all I have to do is live below my means and invest.

If God wanted me to be wealthy he just has to snap his fingers and it would be so.

I've learned I can't trust people to pay me for anything ----- so maybe it's best if I just avoid emails like this.

Monday, June 11, 2018

Would You Believe this?


Recently on my blog, I told my idea for a sliding scale rent system that could be used to house homeless people in Calgary.

I also mentioned fundraising for Plan Canada ---- a charity that tries to enhance the rights of women in third world countries.

I received a couple emails back then ------- very interesting (and I'm not sure I entirely understood, as one email was the type one would normally regard as spammy and the other I just didn't understand) but obviously someone was watching --- because usually, people don't send me email.

Anyway:::: Who knows how big this blog really is, because the two issues I discussed on my blog:::

Housing homeless Canadians and helping 3rd World Females ----------


1) Plan Canada sent me an email:::

Subject: The historic G7 announcement you helped achieve

Woah --- I helped achieve this??? I mean, if we are literally referring to just me here, then this is becoming a really, really small world. Who else was involved???

"This past weekend, I had the honour to represent you and help voice the call for their needs to be met, as global leaders gathered for the G7 Leadership Summit in Quebec, Canada"

Here we go, it's directly related back to me again in this email.

Short of it is;::: $3.8 billion has been committed to help educate children in emergencies.

Wow! That's awesome!!!

And the email is written in such a way it makes me feel like I was somehow personally responsible.

Is that a plural "you" or a singular "you" in the subject and in the writing?

Maybe Canadians should adopt the word "yall" so we'd be able to distinguish between the plural and singular.

Well, I discussed it on my blog::: now there's billions for education. Awesome!!!

2) I was watching the news::::::

You know how I was talking about my ideas on reducing homelessness in Calgary right?

Well, on the news I just learned that the Canadian Government is now spending something around 2 billion dollars on housing the homeless, money with fewer restrictions than usual.

Wow! Again!!!

So:::: I just discussed Plan ::: boom 3.8 billion ------ I just discussed Canadian homelessness::: boom ~2 billion.

It's like they're watching me.

But considering some of the absolutely amazing marvelous stuff that happened recently in my life, like on the level of miraculous, I guess this cannot be considered a big surprise.

I've known that I've been watched for quite a long time now. I was just one of those really impressive Grade A students.  Heck --- they outright told me I was on the psychiatric watch list years ago. I guess that's an OK watch list to be on ------- but in some ways it's really not alright that you'd be on such a watch list.  But anyway.  They're just trying to help I guess.

Anyway --- yeah. There you go. I talked on my blog about this, and then big announcements were made.

But seriously, I'm not going into detail on my blog, but there was at least one pretty interesting miracle that happened that I discussed in email ----- anyway.


What's the likelihood that I'd actually do some work on stuff like this myself???

I'd be most comfortable working with money that I earn or win in the lottery.

Problem however:::: though my family is "sealed" together by the Mormon church ----- we aren't necessarily completely united or functional about anything.

I may have been manic as I wrote about homelessness --- today and more recently I had started feeling depressed ----- although today's news has lifted my spirits quite a bit.

I can't even drive a car ---- am I even qualified to take on any such task? I would need family help in order to do anything I think, and historically my family hasn't been the most supportive.

We get along with each other ------- but we've seen our downs, even if they don't seem like major downs.

I'm not sure how much I could personally accomplish with my group actually trying to actually do anything --------

But if I made 20-50 million dollars somehow, I had my idea on how I'd manage my own money in helping homeless people.

Not sure if taking government funding for my idea is really right though. It was my idea about something I might do privately.

Bah - I dunno. Now I'm just rambling. I'm just not sure I'm really qualified to actually take on the task is all I'm saying.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

Played some Forge TV

Yesterday one of my nephews was over at my house, and he and I decided to sit down for some video games. Forge TV time.

I almost never get to play video games with other people ---- everyone in my household except myself is basically too disabled to play games. My other relatives are either too busy or too young.

Anyway:::: I think The Bananatree Brothers: Eat Carrots was actually a big success at this point: I've now managed to play that game with my brother-in-law's brother and my nephew and they both really liked it.

One of the reasons I gave that game away for free was because I wasn't sure people were going to like it since it was basically a new idea for a video game ----- but so far, with the few chances I've had to play, it's been really well accepted.

Last night, after my nephew was gone, I decided to check out my OUYA portal to see what kind of action my games have had on the store::::

Both OUYA and Cortex have seen quite a bit of action with people downloading my games within the past couple months as near as I could tell ---- I was so happy to see that people were still interested.

Of course, as has become expected::: I saw zero sales reported.

Possible reasons for why I might not collect my own sales::: 1) Maybe I'm paying the government back for the benefits they've given me (just maybe) and 2) Maybe I offered my revenue to a charity a long time ago (also just maybe).   I don't know exactly which it is, but I'm guessing it might be something along those lines.

OUYA was absolutely wonderful to me::::: Before I went into OUYA I was afraid that my brain was too broken to actually complete a project ------ for years my mind had been a wreck and I had dropped out of school and I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle programming a video game.

I think OUYA was like occupational therapy for me or something like that ---- it was awesome ---- I learned that I was actually capable, and I stopped feeling so ill and now these days I feel like I am largely recovering from my problems.

On one hand, I very much had a mental difficulty,

while in another sense there very really was a very real magic in my life and existence.

Part of the problem though was that the magic of the Law of Attraction had been used to cause my mental illness::::: the people around me seemed to demand my downfall. It's too bad my own family couldn't be more supportive of me in my efforts to succeed.

Miracles are definitely real, however. There's no questioning a magical reality for me anymore. There absolutely is a God.

It was really just too bad that the patriarch gave me miracles but all people wanted, including people in my own family, all they wanted was mental illness. For some reason --- I'm not sure why.

Anyway --- OUYA was great --- pulled me out of that mental illness rut ---- I'm happier and feel more recovered now.

Friday, June 8, 2018

No! I want to forget!

So, for the past couple weeks or so I had forgotten so much, and I was living psychically in a blissful wonderland where there was no past to haunt me and life became magical.

More recently, some of my memories have been coming back to me ---- and just by remembering things, that alone puts a real damper on my mood.

It's really too bad when simply having memories of your life brings your psychology into a lower state.

So::: I had about a couple weeks there where I was in a blissful, more or less manic state ----

and now I'm sensing some level of light depression.

I was remembering how odd it is when my brain's logic processor didn't seem to work in the past.

I know reality is magical, in so many ways, but I understand how mental illness is seen as a problem because I'm remembering some of my own issues I've had in the past and I'm wondering what the heck was wrong with me.

I can remember 3 times in my life where I was making bad decisions and really my logic processor just wasn't operational,

plus remembering how I used to be one of the best math students but by grade 12 I was unable to perform like I had always been used to be able to.

That led me to remember the magic of the Law of Attraction ---- you get what you want -----

and really, the best explanation I can think of, magically, for why my brain went haywire was simply because people used to mistreat me quite a bit and my sisters and their friends were actually deliberately trying to drive me insane.

These memories just aren't any good. Forgetting and living in blissful ignorance of my own past was so much fun.

Remembering sucks.

Either way, I'm gonna be considered mentally ill however you cut it I think.

Remember people::: The ONLY people you really have in life, the only people who in the end you should be able to have, is your family. Even your best friends can just up and disappear.

All you have, really, is your family.

So it's such a shame and very sad when siblings are mean to each other and can't simply be helpful and lift each other up.

Siblings should be there for each other, to uplift each other, and make each other's lives better-----

because it's a real disaster when for who knows what reason you just can't get along.

My whole family has problems::: we only have one member of our family who turned out really well or quite well.

Basically, my brain is just haunted by this major problem in my life:::

The Law of Attraction says we get what we ask for,

and all throughout my childhood, all I have is memories of one of my sisters being mean and calling me and my brother names.

She grew up to be nicer, but as a child, she was an absolute disaster.

The whole reason I joined the Mormon church was I had a hope the Mormon church might teach my sister morality and how to behave herself.

The baptismal covenant didn't really stick to my sister --- it seemed ---- so ten or more years later when she finally went for the endowment ---- only then did a glimmer of hope light up that she'd start behaving herself.

She was baptized and a member of the church for years and it never fixed her.

She basically had to go to the temple where I think they teach you not to criticize ---- she had to go there and do that over and over and over again before the name calling and nasty words stopped.

Anyway. Remembering sucks.

If I'm schizoaffective, then for the past couple weeks I was basically manic --- but now some of my memories are back, and it's bringing me down.

Just thought I'd let you have that update.

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

I feel strange

My very first comment here will be that in my chest, I feel a bit weird.

It's like an energy or something just accumulating in my chest -- not like the Mormon version of the Holy Ghost --- it's like I can easily wonder if someone or some people are praying something about me.

Truth is, I could say more about more that's gone on, but I'm going to keep quiet now --- one of the problems I've faced historically is "casting my pearls before swine" and I'm going to try to learn from that mistake. So I'm not going to go fully into detail about what's been going on.

Not that you all are swine, but someone out there might be.

Should I feel weird that I saw a guy in a crown at the park, and that I tried to prophetically identify him?

He may have just been some guy ------- so I don't know how much faith to have in my brain or in any magic to tell me who he really was.

So::: I have some evidence in my life experience that the LDS church is magical -- and the church tries to get their people to make lifelong covenants to do this that and the other thing for the church.

There is a real magic in LDS Mormonism:::: seeing things, hearing things, talking to God and getting a response from a prophet ---- miracles.

The problem is that there are big issues with church history, church doctrine, and my personal experience with people in the organization.

yes --- some of my memories came back to me.

On one hand, the church is very magical and you could think it was real ---- but on the other hand, just because they have magic doesn't mean they really are the truth as well as the organization is capable of being so dysfunctional that it may just be a complete waste of time to participate with them.

It's something to think about.

I suppose I could say one of the good reasons why I did NOT end up in a closer relationship with Avril Lavigne is because if I had been closer to her, I would've likely been trying to promote the church --- and if the church isn't really true, then promoting it would have been bad.

Well, I feel such an energy now ---- but I don't want to go into total detail about things anymore because I need to learn from past mistakes about casting pearls before swine.

This is mostly just an update about feeling unsure of the church and questioning my own sanity about trying to identify the man in the crown.

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Plan Canada Sends Me A Survey

So, a little while ago, the Plan Canada Charity sent me a survey in the email.

A while back, I provided my moral support to the group for something about helping women's rights in 3rd world countries.

The survey asked me about my fundraising activities.

1) I didn't complete university nor do I attend church. I'm not around people.

2) I can't even raise money for the work I've done, I can't even sell product. A lot of people are very poor even in our own western nations, and trying to get payment for anything is extremely difficult.

3) I guess I'll just mention this on my blog to ask people right here:::

PLEASE donate to PlanCanada.ca. I know you probably won't, but hey, at least I'm asking.

the URL is <plancanada.ca>. Donate to them.

There, that was my fundraising.

The thing I've really noticed is that there are a lot of poor people out there. Lots of people in huge debt, while I myself have less than $100 in my chequing account which is my budget for the rest of the month.

I was the FIRST member of Team Canuck for the World Food Programme's celebration of Canada's 150th birthday ----- the idea was they were trying to raise 150,000 gifted meals for the celebration.

The goal failed pretty badly. I don't think we even got halfway there. And that was WITH George Strombo's help.

They managed to raise quite a bit of donation from Team Canuck ---- but not even close to the goal.

Is it all just my own fault? Or is the economy really actually in the dumps?

The American markets may be "up", but that doesn't mean society as a whole is doing well.

Anyway ----- I'm obviously not the greatest fundraiser, failed the WFP, and I just can't even sell my products for the cheapest prices either.

But this blog post will be my attempt to appeal for donations to this charity.

Sunday, June 3, 2018

Could this be debunked?

With all the magical discussion I've had over the past couple weeks --- Youtube has been showing me videos of presenters trying to disprove or declare fraudulent various ministries and pastors.

Last night Youtube even showed me a video about a man who claims to be Jesus.

In my experience, here is one of the confusing things about what I've seen or claimed:::

As I have seen or identified "Him" ----- Jesus is both a black and a white man.

I have seen both white and black Jesus.

He changes his skin color.

I believed in black Jesus for very specific reasons I mention in my book, and more recently he's popped up again, as I have mentioned on my blog,

but generally speaking the Jesus I saw for quite a while was white Jesus. Not white-haired --- although I believe he also changes his hair color.

White Jesus looks closer to what you'd "traditionally" expect. Not quite though, the best comparison I can make based on old memories of what I saw was the hairstyle was similar with a modern European painter who supposedly also met Jesus --- although the hairstyle was similar, I think I saw Him with a slightly different hair color.

So:::: this is a point where I might be found confusing. Jesus is both black and white.

In my understanding, the REAL Jesus can change his own skin color.

In the Book of Finch, I mention a story that happened while I was still in High School where my hair magically turned from brown to blonde.  This is a very real thing that happened.

Here's another confusing thing about Jesus:::::

Back a few years ago Plan Canada phoned and asked me to support a child ---- the child had a rough time so I decided that I would support the child.

The charity representative said, "You will get a medal in heaven for this!"

A while later, while my new across the street neighbors were moving in ---- there was a man with them who just sat on the steps of their house, staring at my house. They didn't seem to notice him.

So, I had new neighbors, and a man was with them who they didn't notice.

They lived at that house for about a year --- but I saw this man only that one day.

And he looked like Jesus. BUT ----- this time, with a different haircut and a different hair color.

So:::: it's just a little confusing when I've seen Black Jesus and Reddish-Brown-Haired Jesus, and this time Jesus was blondish. He looked like Jesus but had a different hairstyle and hair color. And I have no idea how the people he was with didn't notice him or why he just sat there staring at my house.

That was a few years ago.

SO:::::: That's one of the biggest confusing points you can make about my experiences. Jesus drastically changes his own appearance.


OK ------ So I mentioned that last Sunday I saw people dressed in white and a man in a white crown ---- what was that about then?

I asked God who he was.

No, he was not God nor Jesus.

A name DID pop into my mind though, clear and understandable.

Because the people dressed in white looked very real, I just thought they might've been "regular mortals".

Last night when I asked God who that man was ------- he might actually be a character. I don't want to tell you whose name appeared in my mind though.

One part of me just wishes I could just say that was just some special religious group rather than a bunch of angels ------

But having asked God who it was and having an instant response in the form of a Biblical name in my head, I can perhaps suppose that I was having a supernatural or paranormal experience ----- but this is just a voice in my head talking to me.

I will say that voices in my head have accurately told me information before,

so if the voice from last night can be trusted-----

then the man was a character from the Bible, I know the name but choose not to reveal it ---- and he was even a sort-of famous character from the bible --- but not someone we usually talk about. Not like a major protagonist or anything. I'll say he's more than a minor character, but not a major character either.

And that's all based on a voice I heard in my mind telling me who he was after I asked God who he was.

The voice might even be true ---- but I don't want to tell you.


I'm trying to understand.

When I saw the man with the white crown, I  thought it was either some strange religious event, or it might've been God --- just as a guess.

Of course, I can't really say that out loud, because my Dad thinks it was just the Copts having a wedding.  He and I saw more or less saw the same thing, but our perspectives differ on what it was.

So it's best for me to not try to identify anything.

BUT --- Like I said in the post above:::: Last night I asked GOD who that man in the white crown was, and a thought told me a name.

The name was clear and easy to understand. Such thoughts have been so accurate before, I could easily assume this thought was true.

The name I was told was one of the ancient Hebrew Patriarchs.

But as the day went on today ----- I heard thoughts tell me the names of 4 additional Hebrew Patriarchs.

I'm not making this up ---- I'm just hearing these names in my thoughts.

I did not hear any such name before asking God who it was. As soon as I asked God for who it was: boom, I got a name.

But now 4 more names have appeared throughout the day.

I'm not sure I fully 100% understand the situation, but my guess is that it might be LDS Church-related as President Nelson is coming to Calgary, Edmonton, and area -----

and it might just be that these 5 ancient patriarchs are mystically hanging out in the area as this visit will happen.

This is just a guess, however.

I'm feeling friendlier to the LDS these days ----- but still I would question how authentic the church really is even now, and wonder why the authentic patriarchs would be so involved.

If the church is accepted at face value::: then yes, the original Hebrew Patriarchs would be involved.

SO::: I am friendlier with the church in my spirit ---- but I still fear deception. There's just too much historical evidence that there's been things wrong with the church before.

SO::::: I saw a man in a white crown, a thought in my head told me a name -------

but now 4 more names of his brothers have appeared in my mind in the same day.

This is the information I have.  If the information is true, I just suspect that all 5 of them might be in the area. Maybe.

That's if the LDS church can really truly be trusted (as a source of divine patriarchal inspiration) that is.

So who knows.

Saturday, June 2, 2018

"Good" Schizophrenia and "Bad" Schizophrenia

In mental health clinics, you hear about "positive" and "negative" symptoms, but those are just things that are there that weren't there before or things that were there which are now gone.

They say that 'Schizophrenia' is a "catch-all" term that refers to many different things that may be going on.  It's actually a big umbrella of problems.

In this post, I'm going to explain what I think of as "bad" schizophrenia versus "good" schizophrenia. This is not a professional doctor opinion, this is just my opinion as a patient with experiences.

Back when I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia, the psychiatric team tried showing me the then-new movie "A Beautiful Mind".

I was being told I was schizophrenic back then, but what I was experiencing back then didn't seem very beautiful. It was just downright messed up what I was going through.

That's "bad" schizophrenia.

Bad schizophrenia likely includes the asocial behavior and the patient is generally just going through a very bad experience.

But more recently I've learned what a "beautiful" mind' may have been referring to.

What I am now experiencing these days is "good" schizophrenia ---- I'm hallucinating clearly, like, repeatedly over and over again experiencing things which I would refer to as "magical" ---- but it's not bad or messed up and it's even a happy and positive experience.

There's the sad/bad schizophrenia, where you are unhappy and messed up,

and there's the good/happy schizophrenia, where you see angels and life seems beautiful.

After yesterday's post, I went out with my Dad and brother in the night to pick up my Mom from work.

Just standing alone on our street in the dark, it became clear how beautiful the "Beautiful Mind" can be. There was a female voice talking about something (she never appeared) --- the beat of a drum (never appeared either) ------ and I looked down the street, down the sidewalk, where I saw two firey-bright figures light up, standing next to each other, and then very quickly dim down back into invisibility.

The whole experience was magnificent.  This is good schizophrenia.

Under normal conditions for the past so long I've been picking up my Mom, this would NEVER have happened. Something really truly is different now.

The most amazing thing about last night was just seeing the two really bright guys.

You might think they were headlights, but they were on the wrong side of the road and were standing on the sidewalk ----- clearly I was "hallucinating" --- but it was actually beautiful and I was not afraid.

Basically, at a distance, they looked like two bright and firey angels standing there. Only appearing briefly and motionless.

And then::::: I had a magical experience today.

I was at the mall. I had some food, then went to the washroom. As I was washing my hands, I had my hand under the soap dispenser to get some soap ---- NO SOAP DISPENSED --- but the towel dispenser next to the soap dispenser was activated --- FOR NO REASON.

So::: I tried activating the soap, the soap did nothing, it was the towels that activated.  I went to a different soap dispenser.

Now, this might seem like a gag, which it might've been ---- but it was pretty magical and strange to experience and kind of illustrates the kind of mental dysfunction a person with schizophrenia might experience.


If the Number 23 illustrates mental health issues (or more notably The Book of Finch)::::: then I guess you could sort of refer to that as a distortion of my life as a "bad" schizophrenic.  Just bad experiences and messed up things going on.

The depiction is me trying to be a good person, but things inevitably going wrong anyways, and generally just having a bad time for quite a while. That's bad schizophrenia.

Beautiful Mind schizophrenia or good schizophrenia is when your hallucinations actually do make the world look wonderful and you feel very happy and comfortable with what you are experiencing.

The best thing I can say about how to get from bad to good is just to engage regularly in good habits. That's the best advice I can give.

From my spiritual perspective, I believe that words have power.  So, if you say good words, then your life will be good. If you say bad words, then your life will be bad.

Jesus said, "What comes out of your mouth is what defiles you".

Say good things!!

On top of that:::

Do good things!!

Avoid bad things!!

it really might be that simple.

I'm in good condition now because I've been saying good and doing good as much as I can -----

While my childhood was steeped in negativity which is likely what caused me to be so messed up when I finally became an adult.

So:::: If you are going to be schizophrenic, be positive, be good, and your schizophrenia might actually turn out to be an enjoyable experience.

This is only assuming that the doctors will invariably call the seeing of angels and mystical beauty a hallucination or delusion, essentially schizophrenia.

it's quite possible that if you have taken care of your whole life well and are having a good life if you see angels, you might never get diagnosed because you are always having a good time, despite clearly not being in regular reality. Maybe. I just a guess.

Mental illness is really a problem when it just becomes a negative experience. And, like I said, that happens when people aren't being excellent to each other.

So::: Be Excellent to each other!

Friday, June 1, 2018

It just goes on and on

I was sitting in the van, waiting for my family to come so we could take my Mom to work ----

I started to hear SINGING.

Where is that singing coming from?

I look around, and eventually, after only a short while, I am able to look out my passenger door and I saw a person with GOLDEN BLONDE hair walking down the street, singing.

OK ----

It is completely unusual to see people singing in the street like that.  Even more unusual to have golden blonde hair like that.

SO::: I took my mom to work, continued with my day, came home,

I sat down to play American Truck Simulator.

For the past month when I've played this game, I've had NO PROBLEM going for long hauls and keeping concentration and everything. Just enjoying a relaxing video game.

Well::::: Today as I was playing ----- I started to hallucinate.

I couldn't SEE anyone, whoever it was was invisible ---- but I could feel, basically like an angel, cuddling me.

I was being hugged and cuddled while playing a video game. By an invisible person.

I was unable to concentrate on the game much longer, so I had to stop.

So:::: After all that's happened------ CLEARLY SOMETHING IS GOING ON.

I'm not the only one experiencing it either, I am aware of other people who experience strange things.

I don't know how far this goes or where it extends to ----- but I've definitely noticed it, and at least a few other people have noticed it too I think.

yeah. Completely weird and unusual stuff.


As for my idea of a charity:::: it really would only work if, say, I made money on selling my projects --- or if I won the lottery.

I'm not willing to take other people's money to do such a thing.

I like my idea of how I could charitably contribute to the community ----- but what it comes down to is winning the lottery or actually selling my products.

BUT:::::: One part of my mind, I think, has come to realize why I have a hard time making money. It's not really a bad thing, it was just a stupid decision I made long ago ---- that's what I think it is. If remembering/guessing properly.

I'm just guessing that I actually probably did offer my profits to a different Charity.

It just seems most logical in my mind, though not fully remembered, that a different charity might be collecting what I earn. This is still really just a guess though, maybe based on fragments of memory.

maybe I made quite a bit of money ------ but if I agreed to send my profits elsewhere long ago, then guess what? My earnings may have been diverted to a charity.

But this is just a guess based on fragmented memories. I think.


So::: there you go. I hallucinate. But that doesn't mean I'm "out of my mind".

I am experiencing and seeing strange things, but I am quite sane about it I think.

When similar sorts of issues were coming up many years ago, the problems were this:

1) My sister wanted me to be insane.
2) The church told me to forgive everyone.
3) I can now do whatever I want because I'll just be forgiven.
4) The church doesn't actually forgive everything.

THAT'S what happened all those years ago. I was in a very bad situation years ago where my family wasn't helping and the church couldn't get the laws straightened out ---- and then the psychiatrists didn't even really believe what I understood or believed.

Anyway, this is my day today. I am supposedly still on medication.

I'm in my right mind, just having strange experiences ----- which are totally explainable if you are not an atheist.