Friday, May 25, 2018

Solving a past life problem

So: I learned something new about Psychology from Youtube.

Apparently, a lot of people with Bipolar Disorder suffer from something called "Hypersexuality".

I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. But the doctor suspected I may have been Bipolar.

To be honest, combined with how my religion did make me schizophrenic, there is also the fact of my life that I did have ups and downs.

I had major depression and major happy experiences.

From my Mormon understanding at that time, I viewed those experiences mostly through a spiritual way of looking at things, rather than from a psychological brain chemical viewpoint.

Well, I've been thinking for a long time now that I am actually a mixture of schizophrenic and bipolar, a condition known as "Schizoaffective Disorder".

Anyway::: why this is important is because with depression and highs I would have, which indicates bipolar ------ well, it was only too likely according to what I learned what the other factor of my life::::

An extremely strong sex drive.

I suffered from hypersexuality or something LIKE hypersexuality, I believe, and it really screwed me up in life.

Thanks to the Mormon church, I really, really kept myself comparatively well behaved ----- but I did suffer, for a long time, from an extreme drive to masturbate.

And knowing that sin, combined with how the church punishes it, that only further worsened my depression.

However, now that I'm 33 years old and on a medication that regulates my emotions:::: my sex drive isn't a big problem anymore, the extreme uncontrollable urge to masturbate is not really an issue anymore.

So I guess that's another good thing about paliperidone, maybe, and maybe just getting older and having lower levels of testosterone.

The thing about my sex drive was that it didn't matter how hard I tried to "choose the right", it didn't matter how hard I was trying to repent::::: the extreme sexual urges just would not leave me alone.

That situation helped contribute to my downfall in life, but there were actually many factors all acting together that caused my downfall, not that I'm going to discuss that all again here.

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On the schizophrenic part of my brain, I have been "aware" supposedly "telepathically" that there was some girl who was interested in me. I basically ignored her, pretty much because I'm going MGTOW.

I do not have much or any desire to date or marry. I'm just going to live my life my own way. I don't need someone else's problems, I've got enough of my own.

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And along with going MGTOW --- you might be able to guess that I'm going to do my best now not to fulfill the Patriarchal Blessing the LDS Church gave me.

The church was magical, and they did and taught some good things::::: but where I am locally in my area and in my experience there was just complete dysfunction around Mormon Families and Mormon Leadership.

The church did and taught some pretty good or OK-ish things, but for me, it just wasn't going to completely work because many people have minds of their own and didn't seem to be making any actual effort to actually do the right thing or actually follow the religion.

So I"m not interested in traveling and preaching to the nations anymore. It's that simple.

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