Friday, May 11, 2018

Self-Determinationism

So, I was just sitting here thinking about my life.

What is my purpose in life?

What am I supposed to be doing?

I thought about all the things I tried to do --- and where I currently am today.



I was a really good student ---- but other students and my own sisters were tearing me down --- and I became mentally ill.

I made an agreement to serve God ----- but the Bishop decided I actually made a deal with the devil and though I was the best priest I suddenly became the worst sinner just because I was doing what I was supposed to.

I was trying to become some kind of psychic rockstar in my friendship with Avril Lavigne ----- but again, I'm not allowed to do that.

I tried writing books ------- somehow I just don't get paid for that even if I was able to identify $10,000CAD worth of pirating theft.

I tried developing video games --------- again, I don't get paid.




What's weird is ------- there is always seeming to be something go wrong with whatever I try to do with my life.


Above I listed 5 things I was doing ------ NONE of them could be successful or none of these things were allowed to be successful.



So::: what am I allowed to do?


To live at home, surviving on the government dole.


All I do is accept disability and live with my parents.


I'm living OK -- not the best, not the worst,


but it's just too bad that I wasn't allowed to live my life doing something else because now that I'm basically forced to just live with my parents there is a problem:::::


I'm not allowed to succeed at anything I try it seems.

But living at home, I'm also not allowed just to talk about what's on my mind.


I HAVE to write emails to the hospital and write this blog --- because my parents hate to hear me talking.


It's just strange if my purpose in life is to sit here living like this --- because what I do here is largely useless and I'm generally just not allowed to talk about the things I'm thinking!!


So, I tried, I list 5 things above that I tried doing with my life ---- all failures for whatever reason,


and the one thing I CAN be allowed to do is useless, and I can't even just talk about things in this environment.



This is basically just my observation that something has gone so wrong with my life. Basically.


I'm not allowed to succeed. In fact:: I'm not even allowed to talk.


Isn't that weird?


I went from the best priest, top student, to be the worst sinner simply because I was doing what I was supposed to.

That is so strange.

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