Monday, May 21, 2018

Finding Peace

Over the course of the past few days, my Dad and I had a bit of a discussion.

I started the discussion by trying to talk about how the Law of Attraction was misused by my sister when she and her friends were deliberately trying to drive me insane.

My Dad instantly went to defend my sister.

My sister is innocent, he said repeatedly.

Some of the behaviors my sister exhibited from her early childhood up to the point I was talking about were pretty bad so I was like "so even after ALL those things she did wrong, she's still innocent?"

Yes.

My Dad views my sister to be innocent despite a number of the quite heinous things she "did".

So::: It looks like it didn't matter how bad her behavior was, she is innocent, and can face no retribution for anything she does.



So then I asked about how the church kept on tormenting me and punishing me over masturbation.


Basically, my sister, despite heinous acts, will always be innocent it seems.


While I was tormented and punished just for being a normal male with natural hormonal urges, and I didn't even actually hurt anyone.


My Dad basically summed it all up as the Bishop shouldn't have been Bishop and that the church was, in fact, exercising unrighteous authority.


All my life growing up in the church it was made absolutely clear how "wrong" masturbation was. Even years after my childhood and having confessed masturbation a long time ago in Letters to Whomever we see my old young men's leader telling me that I can't be with God because I masturbate.


Well, my sister is totally innocent despite pretty heinous acts, while I'm totally condemned for being a normal male who didn't hurt anyone.

Yes ------ the LDS Mormon church obviously has a big problem.


To be serious:::: When I think about what my sister did as a kid and think "she is still innocent" --- that thought actually brings me PEACE ---- why?

Because it means that I myself should be treated basically equally, despite things people may think I've done wrong or despite my own wrongs, I can still be innocent.

The peace it brings to be declared innocent despite not being perfect is just awesome, it's a total departure from the church I grew up with where something that didn't even matter could get you into hot water really quickly.


Anyway ------ I've actually mostly been very good about forgiving people in my life, and not condemning, and when I can view the world as innocent despite even serious imperfections, that thought actually makes me feel at peace.


I think my Dad was actually drawing on or taking remembrance from his old days as an Anglican when he's talking to me about religion now, because Anglicanism may just happen to work better than the Mormonism he raised me with.


So yeah, seeing all the wrong my sister did with her life, and still viewing her as innocent, at least, today, has brought me peace.

Just hearing the admission that the church got something really wrong in the decisions it was making is good for my mind to hear.


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In a recent post, I pointed out how antipsychotics are not an actual cure for schizophrenia and that antipsychotics are not even 100% necessary to recover from schizophrenia.

On the other end of the argument, I will point out my own experience that I've realized with meds:::

My medications DO help regulate my emotions, it seems like.

No, they don't stop me from hearing thoughts. In that sense, I am still "hallucinating" (although that all might depend on if you are willing to accept there's a spiritual reality to the thoughts I hear).

What the paliperidone medication does for me is it "flattens out" my emotions.

I can tell because pretty much every Saturday every 3 weeks before my Wednesday Injection my emotions are likely to go "haywire", for lack of a better term.

It's like that Saturday is when the injection wears off and I need to take one of my pills,

because on the Saturday before the next Wednesday Injection I'll start feeling emotions, like extreme happiness, or depression, or anger, or who knows what.

Anyway ------- I'm just letting it be noted here on my blog that I do recognize the drugs do have value for flattening out my emotions.

This last Saturday I actually started feeling an authentic anger over how I can't seem to be paid for any of my work, and other ways the world makes no sense ----- so I took a pill, and my emotions flattened out again.

In my mind, I know very much what the problems are::: I just don't really care, especially emotionally, while I'm on anti-psychotics.

I have to not care or feel emotions about it, because if I do start getting too emotional about how wrong the world is, well, we'd rather not see me get back into that state again, I'm sure most people would agree.

The world is an absolutely messed up place. And the whole reason I do my meds is so that I don't care about how messed up it is. I become apathetic.

That is actually the desired result --- because if I started to care as much as I have in the past, that's when people start having problems with me. When I have problems with people, people start having problems with me, basically.

So, I just take a med so I don't have to worry about how &#*$ed up the world is.

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