Thursday, May 31, 2018

Am I being MANIC or am I in a Mania?

So::: going back to psychology and psychiatry:::

Knowing that I could easily diagnose myself with "Schizoaffective Disorder", which is a combination of pretty much schizophrenia with bipolar,

I have to wonder if this is a real spiritual experience, or if psychology is playing a big part (which it is because I could like physically feel this change in my head).

I recently got a NEW injections nurse at my last injection. Is it possible that she might've somehow did the injection wrong and I'm having issues?


I recently started drinking ROCKSTAR Energy Drinks to help me stay awake and concentrate while playing video games and doing other things with my Day ------ there are A LOT OF B VITAMINS in these drinks. And yes, I kept myself to just one a day, if even. Maybe, once every two or three days.

So::: Maybe I'm just having some kind of chemical experience, and I'm wondering if I'm going to end up crashing some time.

This is just me being the "think like a regular person" type of thinker at this point. A doctor takes a totally different view of the way I've been thinking I'm sure.


So, I bought a DONUT today.

The balance remaining on my Timmie's Card was $16.66.

I'm wondering if this is some kind of answer from God telling me "no, I'm not funding you" --- for example, such a project would be for saving the poor, while 666 indicates people who cannot be saved or something. I don't know, maybe I'm just guessing. Depends on how you read the entrails.

So, I've felt totally good and excited about this idea.

But I totally understand if for some reason I'm not selected to carry out this task.

I can live at home with my parents and survive.

I guess helping the homeless this way is just now me expressing what I WOULD HAVE DONE NEXT if people had actually paid me for my book or my games.

if I had made my money, I could have done some more good in the world.

So::: who knows if the appearance of 666 is an indication that society is screwed when they won't pay for things.

And finally, I will just mention that as I was out shopping today (like, I bought some new bedsheets because my old sheets were getting ripped) I could eventually feel, like empathically, some bad feelings or even seriously angry feelings as if I was sensing that someone else out there was seriously pissed off.

So::: like I said, sometimes Gold can be turned to crap.

Who knows.

Am I writing on my blog to much lately?  So much has been happening, it's all very interesting, and I felt like writing about it.

So::: Am I being manic with hallucinations? Or am I seriously experiencing angels with really good feelings?

There's two different ways at least to look at it.

Got another email

This time the email LOOKS more legitimate --- it's a Hotmail address with nothing super wrong with it.

The worst thing about it is it provides some kind of code or number --- but I don't know what that is.

I don't know if it's some kind of Federal Tax ID for something or if it's a Google AdSense thing --- the email doesn't explain.

It's just this ID Code of some kind, don't know what it does or what it's for,

and something that lightly relates to my previous post.

With a link that does who-knows-what-even-if-it-says-Google.

The email really might be legit and honest --- it really might be ---- but I have NO IDEA EXACTLY WHAT THIS CODE IS.

It's too bad most people don't have typing as a second-nature skill like I do ---- some written explanation would really come in handy.

So::: the email is lightly related, it's got some kind of code which does who-knows-what and yeah. A link that does-who-knows-what too.

For the longest time we've been taught to be cautious. So I'm just posting this here to ask you to explain yourself.


One small part of me is thinking "Am I REALLY doing this?????"

The bigger part of me is gung-ho and visualizing what I want to do.

I've already talked to my brother-in-law and father about this. Though, they will only know about more if they visit this blog or if I open my mouth about it.

The idea was floated in my home ----- and I'm basically just doing my own thing right now writing about my thoughts on my blog.

I just feel a right sort of spirit about me like if I received the money I would get down to work --- especially as my Mom is retiring from her job soon and I will be able to have a more free schedule.

It's something to do. Something good to do.

But honestly, my brain has gone through some kind of major change ---- I am in a completely different mindset now than when I was doing other things for the past years. It's more positive. More gung-ho.

A warning about this::: I remember historically my family wasn't the most supportive of my OUYA or book projects ----- my Dad has some idea of what I'm thinking these days and if it happens I think he'd help me. And getting my brother-in-law doing things if necessary would happen too, I'm sure.

So:::: what are the chances that somehow I'd get the money for this? Most people don't have money I know ---- and I set my budget really high ---- but it needs to be a budget like that in order to actually buy or build homes for people to live in.

Most people couldn't afford to help me. SO:::: who knows.

If Avril Lavigne visited my blog and saw these messages ---- how much do you think SHE'D be interested? I don't know the exact size of how she could help ---- but hey she's like a friend.

I have seen "her" numerous times over the years. We don't talk, mostly because I'm really weird around her and I even wonder if I'm just hallucinating or if it's really her.

I don't even know if I can trust my own eyes if I see Avril or white glowing men or anything!!

That's how my situation is.

I feel totally mentally capable --- I feel good. But some of the people I've seen around might have you thinking ??????

Got an Email

So, I received an email from someone claiming they have money to "ship out", more or less.

Normally, such emails would be looked at as likely scammy, and I'm not even sure if I'm in my right mind to necessarily know what's real or what isn't ---- angels are real, I think ----- but nonetheless, a psychiatrist may become concerned if I'm seeing lights in the darkness.

Before allowing anyone to send me any money for what my "plan" is, I might as well outline my plan.

What is my plan?

To provide homes for the homeless here in Calgary.

The reason I'm talking to God:::: This is more of a "deal with God" situation where I do something for God and God does something for me in exchange, it's pretty simple.

An actual human investor would hate this idea because they would lose their investment as this isn't likely to earn cash for investors, it's more charitable than a cash earner ---- not a money making investment.

A human charitable donator, however, might be upset that I do intend on spending some of the money "GOD" would give me on myself and my family ----

Basically, in exchange for providing and managing homes for the homeless, GOD would be giving me and my siblings our own homes.

The deal is that simple.

I would either buy decently priced homes or get my carpenter brother-in-law to help me build new homes (because that's one of the things he does is build houses) and then with these homes available, I would try to go to homeless shelters and start offering the homeless places to live.

Rather than provide entirely free housing and be taken advantage of by the clients (if they were to become wealthy), my rent system would look something like this:

10% of your income is rent if you make 500 dollars or less per month.
20% if you make 500-1000 per month.
30% if you make 1500 or more per month.

The percentage rent is designed to allow poor people to live in these homes (so it's not really a profitable endeavor really, it's more like a charity), while if one of these homeless poor people becomes a millionaire or something they will want to move out of one of these homes to save money on their rent.

So, if you make 0 dollars in income, then you do pay 0 dollars in rent. That's right.

The houses I would manage would basically be for the people who have absolutely hit rock bottom, and just live on the streets and visit shelters basically.

At first, my idea for this project was: I could do this if I had $20 million. Later I thought more along the lines of a Lotto Max win like $50 million.

I'm not even registered as a charity or anything ---- I basically just had a brainwave that I thought God might be interested in.

My original plan was "this is what I could have done with my life at this point if I had made money selling the products I made years ago".

So:::: this is like an investment, but it's a horrible investment because it'll lose money over time most likely.

This is like a charitable thing to do, except human donators might be upset that this is more of a deal with God where I and my family are designed to benefit from some of the proceeds.

So::: it's possible that someone out there might be LIKE an angel and want to provide 20 or 50 million dollars that they can afford to lose and don't mind helping me help others.

So, I'll just put my PayPal address here:

<I've decided not to show the address anymore>

That is my PayPal address. Of course --- if you donate to me, there's always the question of taxes. Also:::  I know PayPal takes something like 3% ---- but my bank doesn't have a SWIFT Code, so PayPal is what I'd use.

I am actually not registered as any kind of charitable organization. My intentions may be charitable, but I've only just started having this idea ---- and I figured this is more of a sort of thing God could invest in rather than regular people.

Also:::: and if the homeless people I'd deal with had no income, I might help steer them towards Alberta Supports, where they may find access to the income support programs in Alberta.

Also:::: As an individual myself, I wouldn't want to be forced to live with other people in the same home that I don't want to be around ---- therefore more than one person per home unit would only happen if they wanted it that way, like if they were friends or family. I wouldn't force strangers to live together. So, the homes might be small, but at least it would be your own private place.


Obviously, most people have no hope of funding such a project --------- this is just if you are feeling angelic and don't mind that this is more of a "deal with God" situation.


After posting my PayPal address --- I have already received an email with some kind of identification code or number, and something about having an account somewhere.

My GMAIL did not view this email as spam. On one hand, it looks legitimate, but on the other hand, it looks like the kind of thing which would be viewed as potentially illegitimate.

I'll check the email on my computer to see if the URL provided looks OK. It might be legit, but it looks like the sort of thing you'd expect to go straight to spam. So, I'll have a cautious look. At least at the URL provided.


The URL provided goes to some kind of Google Link. I don't even know what that Google link does. I'm really not sure I want to click on it.

Google might be legit, but I still don't know what to think of this, or what it is exactly supposed to be.

It looks somewhat real, resembling something you'd normally avoid --- provides a Google link but not much explanation. So I'm still cautious.

Wednesday, May 30, 2018


So, I was just sitting on my Dad's bed, excitedly thinking to myself about how to answer the question:

"Who is the Holy Ghost anyway?"

Like, even if I do figure out, I'm thinking there's a chance I won't say anything because of how disruptive it might be to the church or any church ----

But as I was pondering this question, in a low-light bedroom, the room got brighter, and brighter, and brighter.

And I looked toward the light, and clearly, there was a light, and I know this because as I looked at the light the light just vanished. And it was dark again.

No one was playing with any light switches.

And I almost wonder if I saw an arm in a white robe.

Whether it was physical or just spiritual I do not know --- he vanished before I could do the handshake test.

Remember::: I'm not under any agreements to keep information to myself, as far as I am aware.

I personally just exercise my own decision making in what's appropriate and not appropriate to talk about.

Seeing bright lights appear in a dark room is so cool and exciting that it feels like something to share.

I am 100% serious about this.  There was a light and I saw it ---- and when I turned my head to look directly at it/Him, He/it disappeared.

I should mention that this all comes directly before the LDS Prophet is coming to visit my area of the world in the coming next month.

Also:::: A while ago I decided to look up last day prophecies in the bible and I came across Matthew 24:27.

That scripture REALLY FITS IN WELL with my weekend experience.

I know I shouldn't just assume that I was seeing anything really important::::

But here's the thing::::: Who on earth runs around in a white crown? Sounds like God in some form to me.

Basically, I didn't even need to see the guy in the crown, just seeing people in white and I already thought I was having some kind of vision maybe.

A vision that the three of us shared together. We all saw it.

Is there any evidence that it was some kind of vision or visitation at Baker Park?

Here's a clue:::

The angels who were beating on the drums were beating a very specific beat.

The next day when I was just walking out of the shopping mall, I was hearing the same drums beat the same beat again, but no one was there. And then the sound stopped.

Something is really going on here, and it's not surprising considering the LDS Prophet is coming to town soon.

I feel very kindly towards the Mormons again. It's like there has been a literal miracle worked on my brain to cause me to physically think differently.

Even when I was unhappy about the church ------- I was always 100% there was a magic there.

Mormonism is not necessarily the one and only path to heaven, but it is like a rocket ship to heaven, if you follow it properly.

Another way to describe Mormonism is "This is just so dumb it might actually work!"

I'm serious::: I think God or whoever created this religion knew well beforehand how it didn't seem very smart::: because, really, even now I know it's not the best representation of how things work, even though it has some really good teachings.

Although, if it's not the best representation, then were find a better one?

I'm actually not sure how to answer that, so technically maybe it's as best as it's gonna get. Sort of maybe.

To be honest, I think the actual truth is still hidden from most people, even Mormons. And a lot of Mormons still don't really fully know everything.

Mormonism is like a rocketship to heaven, but the church as a whole might be full of misrepresentations according to individual beliefs and perspectives.

For example::::

The Christian belief on Grace is valid.

The Mormons also use the word Grace, but the best way I can describe it is they apply a different AND ADDITIONAL definition to the word.

It is perfectly valid to be declared innocent despite your wretchedness, as a Christian might believe about grace.

But it is also perfectly valid to believe in a way of behaving yourself as best you can, and forgiving everything that goes wrong, and letting Jesus take you the rest of the way.

Both these beliefs are valid. In my understanding.

It's just two different definitions of the same word. They both apply.

That's what I'll say about that.

About never being fully able to reject sin and yet somehow being forgiven by God anyway::::

Mormons historically have had a doctrinal problem here, because they believe you have to become like God to be saved, and that means no sin ---- except sin is really hard to get rid of and always comes back.

Here's what I understand::: Especially if you did your best, Jesus will be your lawyer and give God your excuse for why you have this sin, and it might not be a real big problem.


1) Your sin is bad

2) Jesus gives you a defense for why it's acceptable (like::: it was the lesser of two evils or a necessary evil)

3) Sin is still bad, but Jesus tries to give everyone an innocent verdict as long as they accept Him, and he will make God aware of your excuse for why you behave that way.

People usually have their reasons.

But trying to behave as well as you can is looked very kindly upon.

Just trying to explain what I understand.

Not only is having an excuse that Jesus can defend you with important but also it really helps if you also forgive others constantly. This is a biblical concept. Joseph Smith believed this was so important he took it to an extreme.


I'll explain it this way:::

1) Be on your best behavior.

2) Have a good excuse for why you sin.

3) Forgive everyone so you can be forgiven.

do that, or something along the lines of that list, and you will be innocent and justified and therefore saved.

That is basically how the Mormons seem to believe it, as I've understood.

I'm not fully sure why I'm rambling on about how I understand God and Spirituality --- but it's an amazing subject to me.

If this helps, then OK.

There are things that might blow your mind about "Mormonism's actual excuses" but I won't discuss that here.

People can look at Mormonism in a very negative light ----- but in so many cases there does appear to be an excuse in one form or another. And it may take you a very long time to find out what that excuse is.

For me, it was a big revelation to just read this book about prophets and realize "oh --- so God just changed his mind. Huh." There are answers. They aren't always readily apparent, but if you seek, you will find.

As a kid, I did the best I could to be a Mormon.  As I got older, the church became more and more deniable --- and I thought I would NEVER go back ------ but as I'm getting even older, some things are becoming clearer.

I don't know the full truth about Nephites and Lamanites, all I can guess about that is the Book of Mormon tries to tell a story in order to teach some BETTER concepts about how God would operate. So:: I do NOT have a full testimony of any truth in the Book of Mormon. I just have a realization that the book teaches some very interesting good and useful concepts.

But I do have a testimony of a real magic in the LDS Church so it might be from God.

The Bible is pretty accurate, but it was actually not entirely perfect after all. Huh.

Although, as I think I said before in this blog post::: Mormonism also gets things wrong sometimes I think. It's not perfect, and I still don't believe it's the only way. It's just the rocketship way. A very fast way to get to heaven if followed properly is all it is.

Creating Plans

A week or two ago I know I created an initial idea for something I could do with my life if God lets me.

Last night I developed that idea a bit more and prayed about it.

The idea is not going away.

For this idea to happen, it would be a miracle if I could even get started on it.

It's a good idea, and it will help people ----- but I am also aware from my psychology studies and the like that there are people who can turn gold into crap, so I know that if what I'm planning comes true and I fulfill it ----- even if it's all good and good intentioned and is helpful, some people might turn around and tell me I'm somehow wrong or bad for doing this.  It's not really wrong or bad, but it could be seen as wrong or bad by the wrong kind of person.

As such, I rely totally on GOD to get the project started. I'm not going to ask for donations on the project, I'm not going to look for investors::: doing it either of those ways things could easily go wrong. If my project is going to happen, I'll basically need approval straight from God with his divine help to do it.

It's a good or great idea, but humanity might not be able to handle the idea, it's TOO good. Maybe it could be viewed as being a bit narcissistic --- but it's not toxic.

In my studies of religion I've figured out some things about Jesus:::

To man, Jesus represents GOD.

To GOD, Jesus represents MAN.

So as I told God my plan and as I'm getting excited about how good it is, in my mind I could visualize God talking to Jesus asking him "Why can't YOU do stuff like that?"

(Basically, I saw a situation where God was shaming Jesus for actually doing a poor job)

And I felt sorry for Jesus at that point.

Jesus was doing good and tried to be so good, but invariably his church and his people screwed up somewhere.

And here I am, having been raised a Mormon, with my wits about me, doing the best I can, and I present a plan to God which is so good that I see in my mind God shaming Jesus that he hasn't done the same thing.

This seems a bit self-righteous and narcissistic for me to say maybe, but I was taught "do your best" --- and I just have a really good idea.

But, this idea, for certain reasons, all hinges completely on God's approval, validation, and God getting the ball rolling.

Basically, God will need to literally send me some kind of angel investor if this is going to happen. And I mean a LITERAL ANGEL investor ---- there are reasons why this might not work out so well if funded by man.

So maybe I can just forget about this for a while, and see if the money someday just magically appears in my accounts. You never know.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

It's Getting Even Weirder

Yesterday, after talking about electromagnetic wave issues I was sitting around when the public emergency alarm sounded on my iphone.

I looked at the message:: supposedly it had only been a test.

But then I very quickly noticed our internet had disconnected --- we had connectivity issues throughout the day yesterday.

We did some other stuff in the day, but I'm not going to describe it here so I don't gossip and so people can have their privacy - but yes, strange things were actually continuing to happen.

So::: the reason I finally took out my laptop to write this blog post::: we are driving around North East Calgary right now, and my Dad has noted that the clouds in the sky "look like a washboard".

The clouds in the sky have taken on shape forms and formations that are entirely unusual and yes I have pictures.

Too lazy to put those pictures on my blog right now though.

And I'm going to post this before my laptop crashes again.

So::: things got weird, and continue to be weird. That's all I'm reporting.

Monday, May 28, 2018

It's not going away

So::: I've been telling stories of weird things happening.

It hasn't stopped.

What I'm noting here isn't a big thing, but it's definitely VERY noticeable.

Yesterday and today, I've been listening to Apple Music through streaming on my iPhone.

This function has worked perfectly for a very long time.

But yesterday, and again today ------ the music is getting all distorted and weird. I can't hear it properly. It would seem like something is wrong with the technology, but I don't think anything is broken.

My guess is MAYBE it has something to do with the music being streamed over wireless, and maybe there's some kind of interference in the electromagnetic waves in my house.

Why would that be?

Well, if I was seeing a mysterious white light last Tuesday --- well, white lights ARE ELECTROMAGNETIC WAVES.

Of course, there's another side to this:::::

The other day, like Friday or Saturday I think, I was listening to one of the preset internet radio stations on American Truck Simulator, playing the game.

Every song that was playing was VERY RELIGIOUS and made to sound like it was all in the style of very modern present day music.

I mean, maybe that is actually what the station was playing ----- but that's not what you'd normally expect from such a station.

Although, to be honest, even in most regular music that personally I listen to these days, many of the songs actually do have some form of religious basis anyway ---- so maybe hearing religious music in the video game wasn't a big deal and was just normal --------

But yeah --- either I broke my iphone somehow, or there's an electromagnetic wave problem in my house, seems like the most reasonable suspicion I could have.

OH ----- and this reminds me of a story I think I wrote on my blog from a long time ago where I was walking (exercising) listening to Jesus Christ Superstar on my iPod, when the music changed itself to a song about Horoscopes ----- and as I continued walking and turned a corner I saw what looked like a famous ghost wearing a sweater that said "XAVIER" on it.

So::: yeah, that old story is a little bit relatable seemingly to this new experience, just an iDevice malfunction with weird stuff going on around me.

Seems like a reasonable thing to mention on my blog.

Sunday, May 27, 2018

Maybe I should just be respectful of these people

I was originally thinking I would call this blog post "The week just keeps getting weirder" or something like that ---- but I figured that might be considered disrespectful, so I'm only writing this sentence as a note to how the whole situation feels.


In the past week::

1) Mysterious white lights found in my dark bedroom around midnight on Tuesday--- on, off, flicker --- weird.

2) My Mind is becoming forgetful, I am no longer bothered by so much of my past -- I can't even bring myself to think about it.

3) LDS Church friend suddenly invites me to an Open House near the local Temple.

4) I see a girl at the store who looks like or at least reminds me of this LDS Church friend, but it seems entirely unlikely that this is the actual real person. Just a resemblance, if anything at all, probably.

5) While sitting in the van near a big field, me my brother and my father see numerous lights in the sky, illuminating the clouds. No rain, no thunder.

If that wasn't weird enough, here's what's happened now::::::

After writing that last blog post and dropping my Mom at her work, we decided we would go for a walk at BAKER PARK.

At first glance, as we are walking from the parking lot into the park, we see a man dressed up like he's LDS standing around talking to people ---- My Dad decides to steer us clear of this man, taking us on a different route in a different direction.

Well:::::: the people we saw my Dad decided to try to identify as "Egyptian Coptic" ---- but we really don't know necessarily who they really were for certain.

There was a decently sized group of people --- all dressed up completely in white. Their white clothes seemed to sparkle it seemed like to me.

We walked further along, and I saw that one of the men who was dressed in very interesting white clothes, like a robe of some sort::: and he wore a white crown.

My Dad, my brother and I all saw this or some form of this going on in our own perspectives.

As we walked back the same way, two of these people had started banging on these big drums they had.

So::::: I do not say we can say with any level of absolute certainty who these people were at all::: but it was an amazing sight and it if you saw it you would really wonder.

So::: It makes the most sense in the world to be respectful in a situation like this.

But my whole week has been pretty weird ---- So this is really the icing on the cake or the cherry on the sundae --- or so it seems.

OH ------ and for anyone who wonders, I am not, as far as I know, under any agreement or "covenant" to keep such information to myself, I am not obligated to keep such things secret --- I think, as far as I am aware. If I am, I dunno, what else can I do but say what see?

My brother and Dad saw it too, at least some parts of the latter story.

I think there is a scripture that says something like "Do not hide your light under a bushel, let it shine for men to see" or something ------ sharing information is important, as I understood Jesus' teaching.

Maybe I might regret talking about this publicly on my blog, but who knows really right?

When I was growing up as a Mormon::: I was told so many fascinating and amazing stories that it only seems natural and like second nature to talk about such things.

One of my old problems about the church was that for some reason the only testimony that was really allowed about such things was Joseph Smith's testimony.

Joseph Smith was A-OK but for some reason, my own personal experiences were being put down. Something seems so wrong with that.

Especially when after you do your research you find out that Joseph Smith wouldn't or couldn't keep his story straight about what happened.

So:::: the LDS church can be questionable, kind of, depending on how you look at it (especially when you think about my last blog post before this one) ---- so basically, I really don't see why I wouldn't be allowed to share my personal testimony of such things.

But, in the end, in reality, we don't really necessarily know who those people were. In Mormon eyes, it looked very interesting.  It may have simply been some kind of marriage ceremony for a different church for all we know.

Anyway. Who knows what to think anyway.

Now that I'm forgetting --- Already a religious issue has come up

So::: Forgiveness is forgetting, I'm forgetting so much, the problems don't seem like an issue anymore.

My friend from church invited me to church today. That sounded like fun to me, except my Dad and I have to take my Mom to her work today and I don't want to impose anything bad on my Dad's conception that I have a problem at church.

So::: my brain is different, I've forgotten so much, church sounds fun, but Mom has to work and Dad might be uncomfortable.

So::: as my Mom was getting ready for work, I asked her: "Can we [us guys] go to the zoo today?"

My Mom then explained to me that there are blessings for keeping the Sabbath Day holy and going to the zoo would be inappropriate.

Now, this is where I'm confused.

1) If God gave us all our agency, what gives MOM the right to dictate to us men what we choose to do on Sunday?

2) I suddenly had a memory of a Sunday long ago where my Mom was screaming at me for playing video games on Sunday ---- and while I wasn't supposed to enjoy my day of rest in a restful manner, my SISTER was being encouraged to do her homework on that same day of rest.


Sunday is a day of REST.

Mom works on Sunday.

My sister is supposed to do her homework on Sunday.

Yet I'm not allowed to enjoy some video game R&R on Sunday and I can't just go to enjoy the animals at the zoo either.

Like:::: I've heard rumors that the LDS Church has started to teach that men are saved by Grace ---- so if men are saved by Grace, then what's so important about keeping your schedule clear on Sunday?

Why not just forgive me for visiting the animals on Sunday?

There's this whole thing where Sunday is a Day or Rest --- and How we are required to forgive all men-------

But somehow my Mom works on Sunday and my sister was actually encouraged to do her homework on Sunday,

While I am not allowed just to enjoy my day of rest with a video game or by visiting the amazing animals at the zoo.

Forgiveness is required for all men ---- we are saved by grace ------- and yet somehow some R&R is now forbidden on the Sabbath, even though the Sabbath is the day of rest.


And who can really be certain that Sunday is the real sabbath anyway? Some people would argue it's actually still Saturday.

SO:::::: Though I know there is a God, and his magic is very real and very powerful ----- just a simple question of what can I do today has ended up in a theological nightmare where the one really religious member of our house seems to have little idea of what the rules actually are anyway.

So. Uh.


I was feeling so good about my memory loss. I'm really enjoying myself with it.

But now obviously there's some kind of misunderstanding about how free I am to choose for myself and the logic behind the religious laws and decision making.

Well, there you go.

Another Example of a Memory Problem

So: the two biggest events of the past week were seeing white lights in my dark bedroom, and memories that seemed like yesterday for so long already have become distant in my head.

The Mormons say that to forgive something - you HAVE to forget it. But they did change the definition since then. Well, they said, "forgiveness is forgetting".

There was a special LDS Mormon open house event an old friend from the church told me she was holding yesterday near the local temple.

She invited me to come.

I didn't go because I didn't want to upset my father.

But as I was at a store yesterday, I saw a girl who "reminded" me of this LDS friend who invited me to the open house.

When I went to tell my LDS Friend about that girl I saw that day ----- I realized my memory about what my LDS friend looked like wasn't at all reliable because I realized I had largely forgotten the specifics of her appearance.

I woke up this morning:::: the girl I saw yesterday? I've already largely forgotten what she looked like too, except for like a vague idea of what her hair color was.

SO:: I'm having memory problems now it seems like, which is exactly what the LDS Mormon Church would want.

Because of the outreach of my old LDS Friend at this time, I feel instantly friendly towards some idea of going back to church ---- the big thing holding me back is knowing my Dad has more recently had problems with the whole thing too, and I don't want to upset him.


On a side note, I will say my Dad my brother and I were out in our vehicle around midnight last night waiting to pick up my Mom from her work.

There was no rain. There was no thunder.

But we saw a marvelous light show in the sky. It didn't even really look totally like lightning --- what we saw could best be described as illuminations in the clouds.

I did take some video of two of the lights we saw, the video, even on an iPad Retina Display, does not do justice to what we saw last night. It's evidence of what we saw, but it was more marvelous in person than in the video.

So:::: I saw lights in my bedroom I believe it was Tuesday night, and then Saturday night there were big bright white illuminations in the clouds, without thunder nor rain.

It might have been lightning, maybe, but it didn't seem totally identifiable as lightning to me when I saw it at the time last night. It was amazing to see. It was like a light show.

So:: two light shows in one week, and I'm losing my memories, or memories are becoming distant.

This seems to be right up Mormonism's alley I think. Weird.

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Some Detail

There really is a big difference in my mind. For the past 17 years, things that happened when I was 16 and 17 years old were present in my mind as if they had happened just yesterday. I had all these memories, and there were "important" ones that were on my mind as if it was just yesterday.

But my mind somehow becomes "new" --- like even OUYA seems distant now, and I can't even bring myself to think about specifics in my life.  It's like it's all gone, in the past.

Like, one of the big problems my Dad has had with me for a long time is I'd have something "important" to talk about and he would be unable to discuss it with me ----- he never discussed it with me since the beginning, so it just popped up over and over again, and we almost never discuss it ---- and he'd say "we've already talked about this".

Anyway ---- I had things on my mind that wouldn't go away that stayed on my mind as if they happened yesterday.

But today it's different. I really do feel different in my head. So many things seem distant now --- like it doesn't matter anymore.

Why is my brain doing this?

Maybe I'm just recovering from all those past problems.

Two psychiatric visits ago, all I talked about was video games. My visit with the psychiatrist was basically just me giving the doctor my personal opinion or review on a couple video games. Even 3 weeks ago: the problems weren't being big in my mind at that time.

So, yeah, I just feel like I can move on now.

BUT::::: For the sake of this blog, the BIG reason I'm writing this post is the following:::

I don't fully know if what I'm about to say has anything to do with my mind being renewed into a less-traumatized state,

but a few nights ago, I think it was Tuesday Night, I sat down on my bed in my darkened bedroom, and in plain view, I could see a white light in my doorway.

The white light turned off, and back on, and flickered.

I could not hear anyone playing with light switches --- and in fact, because I don't normally see any lights like that, and because there's no real way that light could have been appearing,

basically, something weird happened.

Just a white light in the middle of the night as I sat on my bed. The light was coming from the door --- but no one was doing anything, there were no sounds of people walking around, no indication of light switches being played with ---- and the light didn't even look natural to my housing conditions.

It was just weird.

So::: yeah, just weird white lights and now my brain is forgetting the past.

What's even weirder is an LDS friend contacted me on Facebook and invited me to an Open House.

Normally I would be able to deflect the LDS church so easily ----- but the white light I saw just earlier in the week had me disarmed.

The only real excuse I had at that point for not going to the LDS Open House was because I still realize my Dad wants me to stay away from the church because of past problems ---- and those problems are now becoming distant and faded in my mind. Weird. But I know my Dad has a problem --- and that much is not distant and faded.

yeah.  Just weird stuff ----- it really does seem like someone was praying for me.

Someone praying for me to forget the past, see white lights, and go back to church or something. It really is like a magical experience I'm having in the past week, and I can only wonder if it's because people are praying for me ---- so the Law of Attraction comes into effect. yeah.

Strange Psychology - My brain is being weird

Last Wednesday when I went in to see the psychiatrist, when I met the nurse she said something about how I seem like a totally different person today.

We had barely just met in that moment, but she could somehow already detect a difference.

I've started wearing suspenders a few weeks ago to keep my new pants up --- that's a difference that makes me look quite a bit different I'm sure even if most of my clothes are still the same.

But as for my brain ---- well, this is just going to be weird now.

On the Tuesday before last Wednesday --- I was sitting in my well-padded executive chair (OK --- so my regular chair at this desk broke because I weigh so much, so I guess because I was basically having my own business when I was at OUYA or just because this is the only chair that holds my weight, my Mom bought me an executive desk chair - yes, it was pricey, like 4 or 5 hundred dollars) -- I was sitting in my chair and I felt like I had suddenly become a new person, like I was posessed with a new spirit or something, like the guy I've been for the past several years wasn't even the real me.

It was weird.

It's even weirder that I would have those feelings one day, and the next day when I saw my doctor, without barely talking the nurse already somehow noticed a difference.

I'm not exactly sure what it is about me that's making my brain do this --- whether is chemical or spiritual -------

but today I'm sitting around and I feel like someone is trying to suck all the information I learned for the past several years out of my brain and trying to make me forget a lot of my experiences.

I basically feel like the good student I once was before I became schizophrenic --- like I am really, really recovering, except this time without all the negativity around me ------

but the really weird thing is how OUYA, for a long time was something I really enjoyed and it seemed just like yesterday ---- but all of the sudden those memories seem to be very distant like it wasn't actually me who experienced them.

In the past years, I've learned all kinds of stuff about the economy and central banking and all that ---- and Poof! It's like someone is trying to suck that information out of my head so I'll forget.

I like feeling like I was before I was ill ---- but I do not like forgetting all my good memories of everything I learned and enjoyed.

So::: I'm not fully sure what's going on in my head, it's like I'm a different person now and my nurse immediately recognized it. I don't know why the memories from the past several years seem so distant --- I don't want to lose everything I learned.

The good part is I feel like I'm happy and healthy again. Like I'm recovering from the disease.

Not sure what's going on --- if it's some kind of spiritual possession phenomena or if it's some kind of abnormal psychology thing.

One thing I know however is THE LAW OF ATTRACTION --- So if people, if even en masse, are praying for me to become or be something that I wasn't previously --- then there's a high chance it's going to happen.

 I know this because I was a really good student ----- but all the children around me for quite a while, even my own sisters, didn't care about keeping me a good student.  Basically, people were trying to tear me down, and it's like all the negative energy caused some spiritual force to make me lose my mind.

And now I'm back to being happy and all that ----- and the real point is just how weird it is how distant my memories from the past several years are.

And that's all I have to say. I guess.

Friday, May 25, 2018

Becoming Nervous Again

Using Youtube, Gmail, and Blogger --- one thing that is clear to see is that Google takes things I talk about in anything I write and gives me related content on my Youtube feed.

In fact, the amount of information they have about me seems to be so much so in fact that sometimes it seems like they even know what I'm just THINKING and giving me related information in my Youtube feed.

Some paranoid people might have a big problem with this sort of thing:::

Personally, I think it's like the most useful thing in the world to have a topic of discussion from my real life and Google responds to me through Youtube. I have become so much more educated because of this.

The reason this is important is this:::: Youtube, just today, just started showing me videos about blogging and making money from blogging.

To me, this sounds like encouragement for me to put ads on my blog.

I am nervous about having ads on my blog.

Basically, there are so many guidelines about what a website can say while displaying Google's Ads ---- and I don't want to screw anything up, so that's why I've not been monetized all this time.

I'm not sure I'd be completely 100% capable of remembering all guidelines all the time ---- and considering how much of a "gray area" (it's kind of dark) the history of my life has been, I don't want to upset anyone with Ads or make any mistakes.

Of course, I do deliberately try to keep more sensitive information OFF my blog entirely --- but I do fear to make mistakes.

So who knows if I'll decide to think Google is telling me to implement Ads and then implement ads. I don't know. We'll see.


As for my history, and why it might be important:::: there is plenty of room for argument about what the actual truth of history is.

Maybe that's something I can discuss here on my blog.

When my friendship with someone ended, the truth of the situation was an instant casualty. Just being honest wasn't in the cards for her or her family. And that really screwed with me.

I had to really talk, and basically forcefully talk just to get people to hear the truth from my perspective on my side of the story.

SO::::::: Today Youtube Showed me a video about Avril Lavigne.

You may have heard about some kind of Avril Lavigne death conspiracy that happened --- and hear this conspiracy debunked ------- while this video I watched today said something about Avril being with Deryck since she was 17 years old ----- I have my own perspective about the history doing what I was doing. There is a bunch of misleading information out there.

I'll try to touch on these two topics here:::

1) The Avril Lavigne is already dead conspiracy.
What is my perspective on this?

When I joined Avril Lavigne's fan club in 2004, I do remember seeing a post that said Avril Lavigne was unable to move, and they wondered if she was dying.

I just said, "I think she'll be fine" (or I said something like that).

Why did I say that?

Because I was experimenting with mentalism/telepathy at long distance with Avril at that time ---- and I figured she would be fine with her supposed paralysis because on my end I had been experiencing the exact same thing. And I was just fine.

I'd lie in bed and connect with Avril ---- and to be honest, I thought very sad or even bad thoughts at her ---- so her depression in her 2nd album came as no surprise to me, a guy who had been deliberately trying to be telepathic with her.

Anyway ----- in the forum they reported she was unable to move, they wondered if she was dying --- I said she'd be alright simply because I experienced the exact same thing on my end in my experiments with her.

I would find myself unable to move for at least some periods of time in these experiences.

People have always accused me of being crazy, but hey, that's what I get when my Sisters and their friends were deliberately trying to drive me insane because, in reality, no one really gives a damn about me.

2) The Avril Lavigne was with Deryck since age 17 video story.

OK ----- when I joined Avril Lavigne's fan club in 2004, Deryck Whibley was not to be found, he was hardly mentioned if mentioned at all.  At that time, EVERYONE seemed to think that Avril Lavigne was with a guy named "EVAN TAUBENFELD".

For a long time, Deryck was never part of the picture.

People would call Deryck the Sk8er Boi when Avril finally got going with him later that year ---- but the truth is, Avril broke up with the actual Sk8er Boi in her second album Under My Skin --- that's how I see it from my perspective.

So:::: from my perspective, Deryck Whibley was NOT the actual sk8er boi, and his relationship with Avril didn't start until mid-2004.

So who knows why this video said they were together since she was 17.

Before Deryck Whibley was dubbed the Sk8er Boi, people thought Evan Taubenfeld was the Sk8er Boi.

But, on a side note, from my personal perspective, I, me, yours truly, was more or less the ACTUAL Sk8er Boi because the song actually seemed to be directly about me in the experience it tells in the story. With just some slight differences.

So:::: history seems confused or confusing, that's because some people are lying and people make mistakes and they don't want to admit, own or confess what actually happened.

The real truth is that many people I ran into in my life actually kind of disgraced themselves.

SO::::: Unless I've seen Avril's Ghost, as far as I was aware Avril did not die and was in fact just paralyzed probably due to something involving my telepathy with her. I know this because I also experienced the paralysis at that time.

That may seem like a crazy or odd story, but that is what I know or understand about it::: I was top of the class for a long time in school, and it's only been way too easy to call me crazy because my sisters were in fact deliberately trying to drive me crazy.

Anyway --- And I doubt Avril was actually with Deryck since age 17 because Deryck didn't come along until mid-2004, before that people thought she was with Evan Taubenfeld, although I also heard reports that her "actual" boyfriend was another bandmember entirely, but I don't know about that, it's just a rumor I heard.

While from my personal perspective, knowing my own life experience, and seeing telepathy truthfully demonstrated, I believed myself to be the actual sk8er boi.


So, is arguing over history something to be nervous about, especially when it seems like it's being suggested that ads should be put on my blog? We'll see. Hopefully, everything will be fine.


I decided just to ask my Magic 8 Ball if I should display an ad on my blog:::

I asked it twice to make sure:::

Both times it basically said that yes, I probably should. So, now there's an ad spot on this blog. There you go.

Solving a past life problem

So: I learned something new about Psychology from Youtube.

Apparently, a lot of people with Bipolar Disorder suffer from something called "Hypersexuality".

I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. But the doctor suspected I may have been Bipolar.

To be honest, combined with how my religion did make me schizophrenic, there is also the fact of my life that I did have ups and downs.

I had major depression and major happy experiences.

From my Mormon understanding at that time, I viewed those experiences mostly through a spiritual way of looking at things, rather than from a psychological brain chemical viewpoint.

Well, I've been thinking for a long time now that I am actually a mixture of schizophrenic and bipolar, a condition known as "Schizoaffective Disorder".

Anyway::: why this is important is because with depression and highs I would have, which indicates bipolar ------ well, it was only too likely according to what I learned what the other factor of my life::::

An extremely strong sex drive.

I suffered from hypersexuality or something LIKE hypersexuality, I believe, and it really screwed me up in life.

Thanks to the Mormon church, I really, really kept myself comparatively well behaved ----- but I did suffer, for a long time, from an extreme drive to masturbate.

And knowing that sin, combined with how the church punishes it, that only further worsened my depression.

However, now that I'm 33 years old and on a medication that regulates my emotions:::: my sex drive isn't a big problem anymore, the extreme uncontrollable urge to masturbate is not really an issue anymore.

So I guess that's another good thing about paliperidone, maybe, and maybe just getting older and having lower levels of testosterone.

The thing about my sex drive was that it didn't matter how hard I tried to "choose the right", it didn't matter how hard I was trying to repent::::: the extreme sexual urges just would not leave me alone.

That situation helped contribute to my downfall in life, but there were actually many factors all acting together that caused my downfall, not that I'm going to discuss that all again here.


On the schizophrenic part of my brain, I have been "aware" supposedly "telepathically" that there was some girl who was interested in me. I basically ignored her, pretty much because I'm going MGTOW.

I do not have much or any desire to date or marry. I'm just going to live my life my own way. I don't need someone else's problems, I've got enough of my own.


And along with going MGTOW --- you might be able to guess that I'm going to do my best now not to fulfill the Patriarchal Blessing the LDS Church gave me.

The church was magical, and they did and taught some good things::::: but where I am locally in my area and in my experience there was just complete dysfunction around Mormon Families and Mormon Leadership.

The church did and taught some pretty good or OK-ish things, but for me, it just wasn't going to completely work because many people have minds of their own and didn't seem to be making any actual effort to actually do the right thing or actually follow the religion.

So I"m not interested in traveling and preaching to the nations anymore. It's that simple.

Monday, May 21, 2018

Finding Peace

Over the course of the past few days, my Dad and I had a bit of a discussion.

I started the discussion by trying to talk about how the Law of Attraction was misused by my sister when she and her friends were deliberately trying to drive me insane.

My Dad instantly went to defend my sister.

My sister is innocent, he said repeatedly.

Some of the behaviors my sister exhibited from her early childhood up to the point I was talking about were pretty bad so I was like "so even after ALL those things she did wrong, she's still innocent?"


My Dad views my sister to be innocent despite a number of the quite heinous things she "did".

So::: It looks like it didn't matter how bad her behavior was, she is innocent, and can face no retribution for anything she does.

So then I asked about how the church kept on tormenting me and punishing me over masturbation.

Basically, my sister, despite heinous acts, will always be innocent it seems.

While I was tormented and punished just for being a normal male with natural hormonal urges, and I didn't even actually hurt anyone.

My Dad basically summed it all up as the Bishop shouldn't have been Bishop and that the church was, in fact, exercising unrighteous authority.

All my life growing up in the church it was made absolutely clear how "wrong" masturbation was. Even years after my childhood and having confessed masturbation a long time ago in Letters to Whomever we see my old young men's leader telling me that I can't be with God because I masturbate.

Well, my sister is totally innocent despite pretty heinous acts, while I'm totally condemned for being a normal male who didn't hurt anyone.

Yes ------ the LDS Mormon church obviously has a big problem.

To be serious:::: When I think about what my sister did as a kid and think "she is still innocent" --- that thought actually brings me PEACE ---- why?

Because it means that I myself should be treated basically equally, despite things people may think I've done wrong or despite my own wrongs, I can still be innocent.

The peace it brings to be declared innocent despite not being perfect is just awesome, it's a total departure from the church I grew up with where something that didn't even matter could get you into hot water really quickly.

Anyway ------ I've actually mostly been very good about forgiving people in my life, and not condemning, and when I can view the world as innocent despite even serious imperfections, that thought actually makes me feel at peace.

I think my Dad was actually drawing on or taking remembrance from his old days as an Anglican when he's talking to me about religion now, because Anglicanism may just happen to work better than the Mormonism he raised me with.

So yeah, seeing all the wrong my sister did with her life, and still viewing her as innocent, at least, today, has brought me peace.

Just hearing the admission that the church got something really wrong in the decisions it was making is good for my mind to hear.


In a recent post, I pointed out how antipsychotics are not an actual cure for schizophrenia and that antipsychotics are not even 100% necessary to recover from schizophrenia.

On the other end of the argument, I will point out my own experience that I've realized with meds:::

My medications DO help regulate my emotions, it seems like.

No, they don't stop me from hearing thoughts. In that sense, I am still "hallucinating" (although that all might depend on if you are willing to accept there's a spiritual reality to the thoughts I hear).

What the paliperidone medication does for me is it "flattens out" my emotions.

I can tell because pretty much every Saturday every 3 weeks before my Wednesday Injection my emotions are likely to go "haywire", for lack of a better term.

It's like that Saturday is when the injection wears off and I need to take one of my pills,

because on the Saturday before the next Wednesday Injection I'll start feeling emotions, like extreme happiness, or depression, or anger, or who knows what.

Anyway ------- I'm just letting it be noted here on my blog that I do recognize the drugs do have value for flattening out my emotions.

This last Saturday I actually started feeling an authentic anger over how I can't seem to be paid for any of my work, and other ways the world makes no sense ----- so I took a pill, and my emotions flattened out again.

In my mind, I know very much what the problems are::: I just don't really care, especially emotionally, while I'm on anti-psychotics.

I have to not care or feel emotions about it, because if I do start getting too emotional about how wrong the world is, well, we'd rather not see me get back into that state again, I'm sure most people would agree.

The world is an absolutely messed up place. And the whole reason I do my meds is so that I don't care about how messed up it is. I become apathetic.

That is actually the desired result --- because if I started to care as much as I have in the past, that's when people start having problems with me. When I have problems with people, people start having problems with me, basically.

So, I just take a med so I don't have to worry about how &#*$ed up the world is.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Where is the logic?

My Dad can't even try to care about things on my mind that I might want to discuss, so I'm going to try to talk about what's on my mind here.

1) I was one of the smartest students at school.

2) I think I became a target because of my high grades, so my life became miserable.

3) The LDS Church told me I'd witness and perform miracles.

4) Members of the LDS Church mistreat me, and the misery of life gets to me, so I descend into despair and my grades drop.

5) The church sends me to a psychiatrist where I am diagnosed with schizophrenia, especially because the church started me to believe I could work miracles.

6) At some point, a top church leader announced that intellectuals are a threat to the church.

6) I am being drugged for my belief in miracles, in an effort to try to increase my grades, and the church supports this. (which is weird because you'd think the church would want me with low grades and a strong belief in miracles ---- this is kind of counter-intuitive how they are treating me)

7) Actual science indicates that antipsychotics (drugs) do not actually cure schizophrenia --- so it's weird that the church wanted me to believe in something, started forcing me on drugs for believing it, and then the drugs aren't even really a cure.

8) The church stake president who became an area 70 tells me that antipsychotic drugs are a special blessing for my mind.

9) I am confused by this because the drugs are unhealthy, they don't actually cure schizophrenia, and the church told me to believe those crazy things in the first place. Heck, the church was the reason I was depressed.

Anyway ---- it's just really confusing.

I'm not quite actually sure what it is the church really wants. (The LDS Mormon Church).

They want me to believe in miracles.

They want me to be dumb.

So I believe in miracles and I become dumber.

Then they forced me on drugs for believing in miracles in an effort to increase my grades.

The drugs are not an actual cure for schizophrenia.

I am just really confused::::: it makes absolutely ZERO sense the decisions the church is making.

You can recover from schizophrenia::: and drugs aren't even 100% necessary to do this,

and at this point, the cure for schizophrenia largely seems based on just getting away from the LDS Mormon Church.

I don't know why drugs were so necessary for me to be fixed of schizophrenia when all I really needed was an intellectual understanding that the church wasn't really helping.

It's just weird how being too smart was wrong, but I was forced on drugs for becoming dumber -- and the drugs aren't even a cure!!

That is just a bit strange.

Anyway, I hope I have clearly depicted with this writing just how wrong things are.

There is just something so wrong with the church and even society in general when this sort of thing is what goes on.

It makes zero sense.

But hey, this a church that:

a) Tells you to be like God/Jesus
b) God and Jesus cannot look upon sin with any allowance so they destroy cities for their wickedness.
c) A priest's and teacher's duty is to make sure there is no iniquity in the church.



Yes!!! What the hell????

To be honest, it's clear why I became schizophrenic and lost my mind I think. And I am recovering now that I understand how wrong life and society is.

So it's just too bad that my Dad can't let me speak freely about this at home, and my Mom and Sisters and their families go around seeming to have no clear idea how messed up these problems are.

I just don't understand.

It's like someone really, really screwed up somewhere.

It's like AiSH is just here to help and compensate me because I was born into idiocy and I'm not really allowed to change anything about it. Huh.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

I Don't Use Linkedin

Four days ago I received a supposed e-transfer which looked pretty wishy-washy and I wasn't too sure if it was real. When I clicked the link, the link was real, but the transaction had been canceled.

Yesterday someone tried to connect with me at the same email address with a valid Linkedin connection of some kind. I did not recognize the name of this person.

I do not use Linkedin.

I did not know what the Interac e-transfer was for.

I did not recognize the name.

For all I know, someone else was handing out my email address again.

If you want to contact me about something, like paying me for work::: then send me an email to explain what's up --- it's that simple. It'll become apparent very quickly if I'm not even the right recipient.

Or, you can send me bitcoin anonymously at my donation addy. No one has done that yet.

I may have been a really really good student up to grade 11 ----- but I stopped being "professional" when a very severe mental illness hit me. I'm recovering, but I am currently discouraged at how hard it is to get paid for anything I do.

Are there reasons why I might get paid? Yes ---- I recently learned some new more recent statistics about sales at OUYA (if these stats are true).

One thing I know about the new stats is this::::

If they are true, then EITHER:

1) Something wasn't reported correctly
2) My games sucked really bad
3) Maybe people just didn't like me

What other explanation could there be that could reconcile the new stat I learned with how my sales report performed?

But, truthfully, I screwed up so badly in so many ways as an OUYA developer. In the end, I always seemed to fix the problems ---- but I wasn't the greatest, obviously.

But:::: if the new stat I learned is true and option 1) is what happened, then maybe that explains why I'd get an e-transfer like that out of the blue. Maybe.

I'm not sure if this last thing is really worth commenting on:::

But a video on Youtube has helped me understand that writing my books was like a calling and writing my video games was somewhere between being a hobby and a calling -----

which means I wasn't likely to really get paid for those things.

You get paid for doing a job.

My books were more of a calling and my games were like a hobby.

Somehow the person who made the Youtube video just knew what I did fit into a category that wouldn't make money.

The payment I suppose I received (even according to this video) for my calling was apparently the extreme happiness I mentioned in my last post. That's apparently how it works.

And I could go on to talk about other things on my mind, but I don't think it's important to yammer on and on about things Youtube has taught me about psychology here. So I won't. But it's an interesting topic.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

High Happiness Levels

I wondered if what was on my mind was really important to mention on my blog, so I asked my Magic 8 Ball if I should talk about this::: it said: "Yes Definitely".

Last night and this morning I was having "discouraging" thoughts of how in so many ways it doesn't make sense that I'd ever get married, and it doesn't make sense that I'd ever fulfill my LDS Mormon Patriarchal Blessing.

There seems to be so much against the big change in my lifestyle that would have to take place for me to actually do and complete what was intended when I was younger.

I have grown, very, very comfortable in my current lifestyle.

But I think maybe "God" somehow wanted to encourage me somehow rather than make me think discouraging thoughts,

So all day today I've been having all kinds of happy memories.

Some of my memories are so happy that I actually get a high just from thinking about the good things.

I am so glad I have a lot more good things to think about than bad things.

I have some bad memories. I have not lived a perfect life, and I've had my problems, which I mentioned in an email recently,

but I'm just so happy that I have an abundance of happy and good memories. It's like the negative stuff doesn't matter anymore, especially when, in reality, my negative memories (memories where I fail to perform or achieve properly) are so minute compared to all the great good and wonderful memories.

So, I was basically feeling like I am actually probably one of the happiest or happier people alive.

Part of my memories today has been to make me realize that there was good in some of the bad experiences I had ------ the church seems so wrong, but maybe that's OK.

Like, as far as I am aware, the concept of a person being perfect or self-righteous or holier than thou is actually WRONG.

I had to remember the concept of how being a super-super-good-boy can or is actually frowned upon.

The church teaches that they are trying to achieve perfection --- but if you achieve perfection, what then?

Is it, in fact, possible that the self-righteous-proud-holier-than-thou attitude is actually wrong or a sin somehow? Yeah, I think it is.

So:::: The church strives for some kind of perfection, but they also seem so wrong in so many ways.

Just goes to show something I think.

But there is actually A LOT to learn about God, metaphysical laws, and religion.

It can be so easy to turn it all away and say it's all a load of crap ----- but there is so much more at work that I was aware of when I was young.

Like ----- at one point in my life, when I realized that God changed his mind on an issue part way through a story ------ I was put-off at how God suddenly just changed.

But I've been reading this supposed non-fiction book about prophets and learned that God CAN and DOES, in fact, change his mind.

Like, wow! Mind blowing!!!

That's just my example, getting all discouraged at how God suddenly just changes the policy and then having enough time and more studying/training to realize that God can and does just change his mind.

Not just in Mormonism, but in Christianity as well!!!

So::: I was discouraged about ever marrying or fulfilling what my dreams were from a younger time ---- but I became filled with good memories and benevolent perspectives so now I wonder if God is trying to encourage me through my thoughts somehow.

But::: Actually fulfilling my LDS patriarchal blessing would involve a huge change in my lifestyle, and I am just so comfortable and happy with where I am already today!!!

Anyway, I guess I'm just reporting now that I am living with very high happiness levels and I just feel so good about my life.

I had lots to think about. Probably too much to say on my blog, and you might get bored reading all my thoughts, so above in enough for now, I guess.

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Keeping Track of My Credit Score

I logged in to my brokerage account this morning.

They told me they had a new service where they could show me my credit score.

I looked it up.

They told me my score, but on this bank's scale, the score was put just one step above the worst level.

This bank had previously offered me a $10,000 credit card --- so I wondered why my credit score was just one level above the bottom.

So, I went to another financial institution that offers a similar service just to make sure ---- sure enough the credit score was the same ------ except on this 2nd bank's scale I was one step below the top level and three or four steps from the bottom.

So::: different banks scale the credit scores differently.

In one bank I'm in the second level from the bottom, and at another bank, the same score is second level from the top.

Not that I really intend on ever getting a new credit card or going into debt.

An interesting thing about the information at bank #1 ---- the information looked very old.

Another thing:::: At bank #3 I'm always telling them I'm on Unemployment & Disability,

while at bank #1 they had my status listed as Self-Employed.

Kind of makes me laugh to see that.

I'm being recognized, I guess, as someone who has tried. Except for yesterday's wishy-washy-in-authenticity e-transfer, I never really receive much.

So::: I am on Disability all the time, but I tried to work ------- so two different banks have two different statuses on me.

And two different banks look at the same credit score in vastly different ways it looks like.

Friday, May 11, 2018

Excitement and defeat X2

[Darnit, I started this post on my Linux Laptop --- and it crashed part way through. I'm just commenting on how unfortunate it is that twice in the past week I think when I started writing a post on my Linux Laptop that both times the laptop froze. Annoying]


So::: People who talk about the Law of Attraction talk about how you should imagine a cheque arriving in the mail instead of a bill.

I did this for a little while.

It appears to have worked. Sort of.

When the mail arrived today, there was an envelope with a clear plastic window for the address:

and this address had the words "Pay to the order of" printed above it.

Excitement for a moment.

The address looked like mine. But only until a moment of dyslexia wore off:: two of the digits were flipped, and the name did not reside in our household.

So, when the postie came back with more mail, I gave the letter to her so she could deliver it to the rightful owner.

So::: That experience alone was interesting enough. It definitely highlights how your mail just might not arrive. So I was going to write an email about it to friends.

And when I checked my email, and old addy I don't use anymore had a new message sent today in my Inbox.

It was an Interac E-Transfer for $414.00.

Really exciting to get two payments by mail and email which are completely unexpected and completely unusual.

So::: I look at the email.

The name of the person who sent me the transfer looked like a reference to my story of how I believe my grandmother's ghost sexually activated me after she died.

In my book I mention my grandmother's death --- and how I started to first masturbate directly afterward.

The name of the sender of this transfer looked like it could have been referencing that experience.

I told Interac about the message, not entirely sure if it could be trusted ---- I've seen phishing scams in other family members inboxes before, so I wanted to be careful.

Interac never got back to me so far today, but my Dad came home from a trip he went on so I decided to ask him what he thought.

My Dad did not recognize the slang term used in the name as a reference to my grandma story ---- and though the link in the email looks 100% legitimate, he concluded it was phishing.

So, curiosity got the better of me, and I clicked the link.

The link was 100% legitimate.

The only problem is, I waited so long between the sending of the email, the receiving of the email, the report to Interac and then finally clicking on the link ----- the transfer had been canceled.

The link URL looked legitimate. It did actually take me to Interac's proper website. And it didn't ask for any personal information --- so it wasn't phishing in that regard.

The only problem is that whoever decided to cancel the transfer before I clicked the link.

The other problem was that I wasn't 100% clear on who sent me the email, and what it was for.

It was sent to an old address I don't use anymore.  There are very limited choices about who would do that:

1) Someone I don't know who was given my addy as a mistake
2) The church
3) my version of the ballerina-girl
4) Avril Lavigne

Not many other people would have known to send to me at that address.

I didn't really use that email address much or for long::: it really is that limited or about that limited in the scope of who would know to contact me that way.

So yeah. Two checks. Excitement. Disappointment.

Dad said the e-transfer was phishing ---- but the link was in fact legitimate. It's just that the transfer was canceled, either because they didn't really want to send me the money - or because Interac might've canceled it when I asked them "What's this all about then?" and they never got back to me about that.

It feels like I'm getting close, kind of. Sort of.

excitement and it seems like I almost made it.

Even the name of the sender of the e-transfer looked like a historical reference in my life if interpreted.

So who knows.

Got my hopes up though.

An e-transfer sent and canceled all in one day. Huh. I was lucky I checked my email that way --- under normal circumstances I wouldn't have seen it for a while.


So, I was just sitting here thinking about my life.

What is my purpose in life?

What am I supposed to be doing?

I thought about all the things I tried to do --- and where I currently am today.

I was a really good student ---- but other students and my own sisters were tearing me down --- and I became mentally ill.

I made an agreement to serve God ----- but the Bishop decided I actually made a deal with the devil and though I was the best priest I suddenly became the worst sinner just because I was doing what I was supposed to.

I was trying to become some kind of psychic rockstar in my friendship with Avril Lavigne ----- but again, I'm not allowed to do that.

I tried writing books ------- somehow I just don't get paid for that even if I was able to identify $10,000CAD worth of pirating theft.

I tried developing video games --------- again, I don't get paid.

What's weird is ------- there is always seeming to be something go wrong with whatever I try to do with my life.

Above I listed 5 things I was doing ------ NONE of them could be successful or none of these things were allowed to be successful.

So::: what am I allowed to do?

To live at home, surviving on the government dole.

All I do is accept disability and live with my parents.

I'm living OK -- not the best, not the worst,

but it's just too bad that I wasn't allowed to live my life doing something else because now that I'm basically forced to just live with my parents there is a problem:::::

I'm not allowed to succeed at anything I try it seems.

But living at home, I'm also not allowed just to talk about what's on my mind.

I HAVE to write emails to the hospital and write this blog --- because my parents hate to hear me talking.

It's just strange if my purpose in life is to sit here living like this --- because what I do here is largely useless and I'm generally just not allowed to talk about the things I'm thinking!!

So, I tried, I list 5 things above that I tried doing with my life ---- all failures for whatever reason,

and the one thing I CAN be allowed to do is useless, and I can't even just talk about things in this environment.

This is basically just my observation that something has gone so wrong with my life. Basically.

I'm not allowed to succeed. In fact:: I'm not even allowed to talk.

Isn't that weird?

I went from the best priest, top student, to be the worst sinner simply because I was doing what I was supposed to.

That is so strange.

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Frustration and Regrets

I feel like venting my frustration or regrets, but I know if I talk to my Dad, then my Dad will just interrupt, argue, not stay objective and try to end the discussion.

If I try to talk to my Mom, then invariably my Dad will get involved anyway ---- so I turn to my blog.

I used to be one of the top students in school. I got awards for my abilities, I got really high grades.

I've been learning about metaphysical laws.

The Law of Attraction: You get what you ask for.
Karma: You get what you give.
Gratitude: You get more of what you are grateful for and less of what you are not.

So:: I was a really good student.

But my sisters and their friends wanted me to be insane. Just short months before my diagnosis with Schizophrenia, my sisters had a party where they and their friends were deliberately trying to drive me to mental illness.

They didn't care that I was one of the best students --- they weren't grateful that I could have become something really useful and brilliant in my future.

They squandered my intelligence by demanding me to be mentally ill.

They were not grateful for my schooling, so we lost my schooling.

They were asking for severe mental illness::: so I became severely mentally ill.

That is just the first regret I want to talk about.

The second is this:::

When I published The Book of Finch, I had all the possibility in the world to sell many copies and become wealthy, more or less.

But, again, my Dad has no idea how to handle the law of attraction, so:::

After I bought something a bit expensive (but I still had quite a bit left) he was all like "YOU ARE GOING TO RUN OUT OF MONEY!!!"

OMG. You will not believe how upsetting that was. I am sitting here selling a product, all the potential for my future is at my fingertips, and I still have funding available:::: and here my Dad is misusing the Law of Attraction to tell me I'm going to run out of money.


Well, the scriptures say you get what you ask for, and it would be bad if my Dad made a false prophecy,

So I did end up losing all my money at one point ---- but only after my brother-in-law's bank account was cleared out by a thief, just shortly after my Dad made that declaration.

Yes ----- there is something really stupid about my family, we can't be grateful for my good shooling and we have to drive the good student insane, while we can't hope for the best on my project and we have to tell ourselves to run out of money.

These are some of the stupidest things we have done I think.

And after all these years of writing books and selling video games::: it turns out my Mom DOESN'T even actually want me to be rich, she doesn't want me to be a millionaire.

We have sabotaged ourselves so badly.

And, finally, here's my story of a bit of weirdness from the LDS Church I made mention of from a few days ago:

My Bishop told me I was the best priest in the quorum.

A teacher's and priest's duty is to make sure there is no iniquity in the church.

So, having found some serious iniquity in the church, I take it to church litigation so it will be dealt with.

I just get told that I have to forgive them and if I don't then I'll be condemned of the greater sin.

So:::: there are TWO points of contradiction here I want to point out:::

1) I went from the best priest in the quorum, to be the worst sinner, simply because I was doing my duty of making sure there's no iniquity in the church. WTH?

2) How am I supposed to make sure there's no iniquity in the church if I'm always having to forgive everything???

THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!!! No wonder I'm schizophrenic.

But yeah ---- I rely on blogging and email to discuss my problems because I only get 15 minutes every 3 weeks with my doctor,

and it's very difficult to discuss anything with my family because my Dad just argues, interrupts, won't stay objective and always tries to just end the discussion. It's so bloody annoying, and frustrating.

And what's sad, is that even though the Law of Attraction and Gratitude (and maybe Karma?) are 100% scriptural concepts, my Dad rejects the ideas.

I know he's always saying "Trust Christ!!" ----- but then he doesn't accept the basic concept of how reality works based on actual scriptures.  It's so friggin pathetic.

And then there's my Mom::::

I explain to her the Law of Attraction, but for some reason, she's under the impression that the people who teach metaphysical laws are atheists who reject and do not recognize God.

I had to repeatedly explain to her that the Law of Attraction is BASED ON SCRIPTURE.

"Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you".

The Joseph Smith version "If ye be purified and cleansed from all sin, you shall ask whatsoever you will in the name of Jesus and it SHALL BE DONE".

I mean:::: It doesn't take a genius to realize that The Law of Attraction is highly based on God and scripture,

and yet my very religious mother thought they didn't respect God,

while my Dad who loves "Trust Christ!" doesn't even actually believe in the basic concept!!!

Friggin hell.

What am I living for anyway?

Monday, May 7, 2018

I was thanked for 10 years

10 years ago, Avril Lavigne held her Best Damn Tour concert in Calgary.

Shortly after that, I heard someone at the door and I opened the door to see a short blonde girl who looked a lot like Avril Lavigne standing there --- with some material to tell me about the Plan Canada Charity.

At the time, I couldn't afford to help. My credit card was maxed out and AiSH was barely enough.

What's interesting is that the CEO of Plan Canada has sent me a card to thank me for 10 years of help.

That's interesting that it was 10 years ago we're commemorating --- because 10 years ago was when I first heard about the organization.

I didn't actually donate, if I remember correctly, until late 2010.

So::: though it's only been 7-8 years since I first donated, I got the 10 year card today --- because it was, I guess, about 10 years ago someone who looked like a rock star I had recently been to the concert of appeared at my front door to tell me about the charity.


That is very interesting that the CEO of the Charity would commemorate that moment about 10 years ago.


Well, I feel happy. I have memories of how my financial story has been for the past 10 years --- and things have greatly improved since 10 years ago, even if I never got paid much for my actual work.

I have to wonder if that big donation I made in 2010 somehow caused a metaphysical law to give back to me a big increase in my benefit. Maybe that's what it was.

Because in 2010 I applied for and managed to get a big credit limit on a low-interest rate credit card --- where I was able to pay for publishing my book.  And, as I felt like I could afford it, I spent a bunch of money on Charity too at that time.

The book didn't really pay. But magically Alberta now has probably the most beneficial disability benefit in the country. Metaphysics maybe?

Anyway, good memories

Someone is having a bad day

So: this blog post kind of more actual news rather than just me talking about my life.

Personally, my day hasn't been so bad ---- but I went on a car ride today and saw two things out of the ordinary happen.

As I and my Dad were driving along, we just saw a guy fall off his bicycle. This experience is unique enough ----

but when we got to our destination, the shop we were going to:::: there were police cars and a SWAT team hanging out outside the store.

As my Dad and I walked into the store, the person who greeted us told us the situation had already been involved.

So::: according to The Law of Attraction, if your day starts bad, it just keeps going on bad.

My Day hasn't been so bad, I've been having a pretty good day,

but I saw two things go wrong in the local community today, and these two things are completely out of the ordinary occurrences.


My Dad and I bought what we wanted, left the store: and the SWAT team was already gone.


Last night I sent an email to my friends and family about how strange something about my experience in the LDS Church was.

Maybe I'll talk about it on my blog some time, but I don't really feel like it right now.


but yeah, I guess someone is having a bad day. Two seemingly unconnected disasters at about the same time in the same city. So strange.

Oh ---- and no, we did not stop to "help" the guy who fell off his bike --- we didn't feel any great need to, nor did we want to block traffic on the one-way lane.

Just other people having bad experiences I guess. I'm just wondering if there's any spiritual or metaphysical explanation for any of this. I don't know.

Saturday, May 5, 2018

Gaming Today with me

On a side note, I will say that psychologically I have a small issue where momentarily at various periods, for who knows what reason, I feel a little insecure for a little while. It's momentary, it doesn't last, sometimes I feel confident, but sometimes I feel insecure. Whatever that's supposed to mean.

So::: ever since I rearranged some of the electronics in my house, I've gotten deeper into being a gamer again.

If you knew me personally, maybe you would know that I love going for car rides. I spend a lot of time with my father, partly because he drives the van, and I love riding with him in the van.

Well, a Youtube video told me about this game that's supposedly pretty popular:: it's called "American Truck Simulator".

I bought it on Steam on my Mac.

and I love it.

That game is actually awfully similar in its effect on me as actually going for an actual car ride. It's about the same level of fun as a real car ride --- except these can be long distance journeys, so it becomes extra fun.

One time, as I was about to open Steam to play, I accidentally opened Unity 3d 4 instead and a dialog said that the software is getting old for the current version of MacOS, and that the developer will need to update it.

I doubt Unity 4 will be updated for a newer version of MacOS.  Unity 4 still runs on the current version, but there's a dialog that warns it needs to be updated.

SO::: I would love to be able to keep my Mac Mini as a legacy machine for "developing" or "archiving" my old video games like Blaine Bananatree, but I also want to have a modern mac with the latest software, in the future.

And because my current Mac is only just barely capable of playing American Truck Simulator, that got my mind wandering into this idea that maybe I need or want to buy myself a high-end iMac or something.

The model I was looking at costs ~$5000CAD, and if I strictly save every month I might be able to afford it in a bit over a year of saving ---- but my Dad also says that spending that kind of money on an iMac would be a waste of money.

I suppose iMacs are big and bulky and aren't good for storage after they get old. I have an iMac, it's old now, and though it's mostly useless by now, it just takes up space (but I think my brother uses it actually).

So::::: looking into a future at a time when the new computer becomes obsolete, maybe it makes the most sense to buy a Mini or a Mac Mini, because it hardly takes up any space and is easy to store --- just like my current Mac mini which I want to store for archival purposes.

So::: I guess my best option is just to save up for a little while and buy a really souped-up Mac Mini when I have the money --------

I've actually been thinking about this possibility for a while already, but months ago when I thought about it, I figured I would want a new model upgraded mac mini beyond the 2014 current model.

I put some money in a 90 Day GIC to save, as I thought at the time, for a slightly more future time when a new mac mini might arrive.

That GIC is going to mature in a couple weeks ----- and no new mac minis announced.

Well, I guess I'll have to be patient. Just keep saving.

So::: the point of this blog post:::

I found a game that's very enjoyable, as fun as a real car ride, and I love car rides.

And my thinking about how I would love to get a new mac soon so I can put my old mac into storage for archival purposes.

And finally, I will just say that when I bought my current 2012 model mac mini, I was especially "lucky" or "foresighted" to buy it with the upgraded processor at build-to-order, because the standard model processer I think might've had difficulty playing American Truck Simulator.

So I got kind of lucky in that regard. Thank God. (and yes, I am quite certain there really is a God).

Friday, May 4, 2018

I just feel like talking about this

Maybe I'm just beating a dead horse with a stick now - but the following is on my mind so I'm just going to write about it on my blog.

I and my brother share some elements of a common history, besides coming from the same family.

I was reading my LDS Patriarchal blessing this morning::: I noticed it said I would "always be recognized as a faithful servant in Israel".

And then I remembered that the Bishop at that time personally told me that I was the "best priest in the quorum".

But, just a couple months after being told these things, all of the sudden the Bishop changed his story to this idea that I was a schizophrenic worshipper of Satan.

Yup ---- One minute the church is telling me I'm the best they've got, that I'll be recognized as a faithful servant, that I'll be a traveling preacher to the nations as the Lord's lifetime servant ----

next minute the church tells me I'm schizophrenic, that I made a deal with the devil - and that I need to take my meds.

Want to know something interesting?

I'm not my brother, but the same thing basically happened to him too::::

The bishop told my brother that he was the best priest in the quorum (long before I became a priest) and the next thing my brother knew he was being sent to a psychiatrist to be diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Am I noticing a pattern here?

My brother and I were both totally the best priests in the quorum according to the same bishop.

Then that same bishop sent us both to psychiatric doctors where we both got diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Something doesn't seem right here.

I think that this bishop either has a bad track record of determining who is the best or he has a poor track record of sending the best on a path that will ultimately end in a loss of LDS testimony.

OK ---- In the end I'm sure most would completely understand that the church wasn't really true ---

but my brother and I were being raised in this church and brainwashed to believe in it.

We did what we could with it to the best of our abilities, we both got told that we were the best, and then we both got labeled as schizophrenics.

There's just something so wrong with this situation.

I could probably write for a long time about reasons why the church ended up being ultimately disproved and how there was a lot going completely wrong at that time ----- but the above is enough to show, I think, how wrong the whole thing was.  The above story is just the tip of the iceberg.

But what's really weird is before I got my patriarchal blessing, I was a top student, with a 98% final exam grade in Chemistry.

The patriarchal blessing said I would have an "especially blessed mind".

And then --- boom --- schizophrenic.

So, if I have an especially blessed mind, then why did I suddenly go from hero to zero?

The old Stake President who became an Area Authority told me the special blessing for my mind was the expensive medications that I take.

But I've been doing research on mental illness lately and I have my own experience ---- an no, the medications I take don't really take away the schizophrenia or the psychosis.  The medications aren't really a cure.

I still hear thoughts regardless of taking meds --- therefore the meds don't *really* work (not that I actually really want to lose my telepathic abilities).

The meds do cause weight gain, so they are unhealthy, and they don't really fix psychosis.

So why did the Stake President think they were a special blessing for me, when before the blessing I was a top of the class student?

I'm not really sure how that works.

But in all seriousness --------- the psychiatric doctors have this obsession with making me disbelieve in telepathy or hearing thoughts or whatever, and that's why I get forced on meds.

Fact is::: I never wanted the meds. I'm actually TRYING to hear voices -- I'm TRYING to be telepathic ---- the doctors had completely opposite goals for my life.

So they forced me on meds.  And the meds don't change anything. They were just really unhealthy.

So the doctors were basically ignoring my own will for my own life choices and tried to force me on a path that I didn't want so I was forced to take meds that I didn't think I needed -----

and the meds don't *really* work and they are unhealthy.

And the church said that was somehow a good thing.

As for proving my belief in telepathy::: YES I proved some kind of psychic telepathic ability. I've had it proven for many years. My current doctor basically admitted I was right and there's no argument on that topic anymore.

But I'm still on meds.

Here's just a recent story from how I know I hear actual legitimate thoughts that aren't just brain problems but are based in reality::::

for a long time, in my "telepathy" with Avril Lavigne or "her community" I would from time to time hear the phrase "shits n' giggles".

I had never physically heard this phrase before at all, and I only heard it in my mind for a long time.

Then, last night as I was watching a video by a psychotherapist on Youtube --- guess what?  She used the phrase "shits n' giggles" ---- the very first time I had heard that phrase with my very own ears rather than with my mind.

so:::: I hear a specific phrase on the "Avril" or "Avril Community" end of my telepathy, over and over again over the years, and then the very first time I actually hear the same phrase is from an actual psychotherapist on Youtube.

What does that mean?

I've had this idea for a while ----- but Avril Lavigne is likely some form of therapist or psychotherapist who was trying to help me. The recent phrase just goes to demonstrate this idea further.

And what's really weird --- though the church wanted me to be schizophrenic and they wanted me on unhealthy meds --------

the work of my actual psychotherapist, Avril Lavigne, was frowned upon by the church.

yes! That's right!  The healthcare that actually helped me get better, the health care that ACTUALLY HELPED --- it wasn't allowed!!! 


Well, there you go.

So really, in my life, the LDS church really didn't actually do a whole lot to help me.

They helped me stay away from Tobacco. And they basically gave me something to think about for a long time.  That's what they did for me.