Monday, May 21, 2018

Finding Peace

Over the course of the past few days, my Dad and I had a bit of a discussion.

I started the discussion by trying to talk about how the Law of Attraction was misused by my sister when she and her friends were deliberately trying to drive me insane.

My Dad instantly went to defend my sister.

My sister is innocent, he said repeatedly.

Some of the behaviors my sister exhibited from her early childhood up to the point I was talking about were pretty bad so I was like "so even after ALL those things she did wrong, she's still innocent?"


My Dad views my sister to be innocent despite a number of the quite heinous things she "did".

So::: It looks like it didn't matter how bad her behavior was, she is innocent, and can face no retribution for anything she does.

So then I asked about how the church kept on tormenting me and punishing me over masturbation.

Basically, my sister, despite heinous acts, will always be innocent it seems.

While I was tormented and punished just for being a normal male with natural hormonal urges, and I didn't even actually hurt anyone.

My Dad basically summed it all up as the Bishop shouldn't have been Bishop and that the church was, in fact, exercising unrighteous authority.

All my life growing up in the church it was made absolutely clear how "wrong" masturbation was. Even years after my childhood and having confessed masturbation a long time ago in Letters to Whomever we see my old young men's leader telling me that I can't be with God because I masturbate.

Well, my sister is totally innocent despite pretty heinous acts, while I'm totally condemned for being a normal male who didn't hurt anyone.

Yes ------ the LDS Mormon church obviously has a big problem.

To be serious:::: When I think about what my sister did as a kid and think "she is still innocent" --- that thought actually brings me PEACE ---- why?

Because it means that I myself should be treated basically equally, despite things people may think I've done wrong or despite my own wrongs, I can still be innocent.

The peace it brings to be declared innocent despite not being perfect is just awesome, it's a total departure from the church I grew up with where something that didn't even matter could get you into hot water really quickly.

Anyway ------ I've actually mostly been very good about forgiving people in my life, and not condemning, and when I can view the world as innocent despite even serious imperfections, that thought actually makes me feel at peace.

I think my Dad was actually drawing on or taking remembrance from his old days as an Anglican when he's talking to me about religion now, because Anglicanism may just happen to work better than the Mormonism he raised me with.

So yeah, seeing all the wrong my sister did with her life, and still viewing her as innocent, at least, today, has brought me peace.

Just hearing the admission that the church got something really wrong in the decisions it was making is good for my mind to hear.


In a recent post, I pointed out how antipsychotics are not an actual cure for schizophrenia and that antipsychotics are not even 100% necessary to recover from schizophrenia.

On the other end of the argument, I will point out my own experience that I've realized with meds:::

My medications DO help regulate my emotions, it seems like.

No, they don't stop me from hearing thoughts. In that sense, I am still "hallucinating" (although that all might depend on if you are willing to accept there's a spiritual reality to the thoughts I hear).

What the paliperidone medication does for me is it "flattens out" my emotions.

I can tell because pretty much every Saturday every 3 weeks before my Wednesday Injection my emotions are likely to go "haywire", for lack of a better term.

It's like that Saturday is when the injection wears off and I need to take one of my pills,

because on the Saturday before the next Wednesday Injection I'll start feeling emotions, like extreme happiness, or depression, or anger, or who knows what.

Anyway ------- I'm just letting it be noted here on my blog that I do recognize the drugs do have value for flattening out my emotions.

This last Saturday I actually started feeling an authentic anger over how I can't seem to be paid for any of my work, and other ways the world makes no sense ----- so I took a pill, and my emotions flattened out again.

In my mind, I know very much what the problems are::: I just don't really care, especially emotionally, while I'm on anti-psychotics.

I have to not care or feel emotions about it, because if I do start getting too emotional about how wrong the world is, well, we'd rather not see me get back into that state again, I'm sure most people would agree.

The world is an absolutely messed up place. And the whole reason I do my meds is so that I don't care about how messed up it is. I become apathetic.

That is actually the desired result --- because if I started to care as much as I have in the past, that's when people start having problems with me. When I have problems with people, people start having problems with me, basically.

So, I just take a med so I don't have to worry about how &#*$ed up the world is.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Where is the logic?

My Dad can't even try to care about things on my mind that I might want to discuss, so I'm going to try to talk about what's on my mind here.

1) I was one of the smartest students at school.

2) I think I became a target because of my high grades, so my life became miserable.

3) The LDS Church told me I'd witness and perform miracles.

4) Members of the LDS Church mistreat me, and the misery of life gets to me, so I descend into despair and my grades drop.

5) The church sends me to a psychiatrist where I am diagnosed with schizophrenia, especially because the church started me to believe I could work miracles.

6) At some point, a top church leader announced that intellectuals are a threat to the church.

6) I am being drugged for my belief in miracles, in an effort to try to increase my grades, and the church supports this. (which is weird because you'd think the church would want me with low grades and a strong belief in miracles ---- this is kind of counter-intuitive how they are treating me)

7) Actual science indicates that antipsychotics (drugs) do not actually cure schizophrenia --- so it's weird that the church wanted me to believe in something, started forcing me on drugs for believing it, and then the drugs aren't even really a cure.

8) The church stake president who became an area 70 tells me that antipsychotic drugs are a special blessing for my mind.

9) I am confused by this because the drugs are unhealthy, they don't actually cure schizophrenia, and the church told me to believe those crazy things in the first place. Heck, the church was the reason I was depressed.

Anyway ---- it's just really confusing.

I'm not quite actually sure what it is the church really wants. (The LDS Mormon Church).

They want me to believe in miracles.

They want me to be dumb.

So I believe in miracles and I become dumber.

Then they forced me on drugs for believing in miracles in an effort to increase my grades.

The drugs are not an actual cure for schizophrenia.

I am just really confused::::: it makes absolutely ZERO sense the decisions the church is making.

You can recover from schizophrenia::: and drugs aren't even 100% necessary to do this,

and at this point, the cure for schizophrenia largely seems based on just getting away from the LDS Mormon Church.

I don't know why drugs were so necessary for me to be fixed of schizophrenia when all I really needed was an intellectual understanding that the church wasn't really helping.

It's just weird how being too smart was wrong, but I was forced on drugs for becoming dumber -- and the drugs aren't even a cure!!

That is just a bit strange.

Anyway, I hope I have clearly depicted with this writing just how wrong things are.

There is just something so wrong with the church and even society in general when this sort of thing is what goes on.

It makes zero sense.

But hey, this a church that:

a) Tells you to be like God/Jesus
b) God and Jesus cannot look upon sin with any allowance so they destroy cities for their wickedness.
c) A priest's and teacher's duty is to make sure there is no iniquity in the church.



Yes!!! What the hell????

To be honest, it's clear why I became schizophrenic and lost my mind I think. And I am recovering now that I understand how wrong life and society is.

So it's just too bad that my Dad can't let me speak freely about this at home, and my Mom and Sisters and their families go around seeming to have no clear idea how messed up these problems are.

I just don't understand.

It's like someone really, really screwed up somewhere.

It's like AiSH is just here to help and compensate me because I was born into idiocy and I'm not really allowed to change anything about it. Huh.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

I Don't Use Linkedin

Four days ago I received a supposed e-transfer which looked pretty wishy-washy and I wasn't too sure if it was real. When I clicked the link, the link was real, but the transaction had been canceled.

Yesterday someone tried to connect with me at the same email address with a valid Linkedin connection of some kind. I did not recognize the name of this person.

I do not use Linkedin.

I did not know what the Interac e-transfer was for.

I did not recognize the name.

For all I know, someone else was handing out my email address again.

If you want to contact me about something, like paying me for work::: then send me an email to explain what's up --- it's that simple. It'll become apparent very quickly if I'm not even the right recipient.

Or, you can send me bitcoin anonymously at my donation addy. No one has done that yet.

I may have been a really really good student up to grade 11 ----- but I stopped being "professional" when a very severe mental illness hit me. I'm recovering, but I am currently discouraged at how hard it is to get paid for anything I do.

Are there reasons why I might get paid? Yes ---- I recently learned some new more recent statistics about sales at OUYA (if these stats are true).

One thing I know about the new stats is this::::

If they are true, then EITHER:

1) Something wasn't reported correctly
2) My games sucked really bad
3) Maybe people just didn't like me

What other explanation could there be that could reconcile the new stat I learned with how my sales report performed?

But, truthfully, I screwed up so badly in so many ways as an OUYA developer. In the end, I always seemed to fix the problems ---- but I wasn't the greatest, obviously.

But:::: if the new stat I learned is true and option 1) is what happened, then maybe that explains why I'd get an e-transfer like that out of the blue. Maybe.

I'm not sure if this last thing is really worth commenting on:::

But a video on Youtube has helped me understand that writing my books was like a calling and writing my video games was somewhere between being a hobby and a calling -----

which means I wasn't likely to really get paid for those things.

You get paid for doing a job.

My books were more of a calling and my games were like a hobby.

Somehow the person who made the Youtube video just knew what I did fit into a category that wouldn't make money.

The payment I suppose I received (even according to this video) for my calling was apparently the extreme happiness I mentioned in my last post. That's apparently how it works.

And I could go on to talk about other things on my mind, but I don't think it's important to yammer on and on about things Youtube has taught me about psychology here. So I won't. But it's an interesting topic.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

High Happiness Levels

I wondered if what was on my mind was really important to mention on my blog, so I asked my Magic 8 Ball if I should talk about this::: it said: "Yes Definitely".

Last night and this morning I was having "discouraging" thoughts of how in so many ways it doesn't make sense that I'd ever get married, and it doesn't make sense that I'd ever fulfill my LDS Mormon Patriarchal Blessing.

There seems to be so much against the big change in my lifestyle that would have to take place for me to actually do and complete what was intended when I was younger.

I have grown, very, very comfortable in my current lifestyle.

But I think maybe "God" somehow wanted to encourage me somehow rather than make me think discouraging thoughts,

So all day today I've been having all kinds of happy memories.

Some of my memories are so happy that I actually get a high just from thinking about the good things.

I am so glad I have a lot more good things to think about than bad things.

I have some bad memories. I have not lived a perfect life, and I've had my problems, which I mentioned in an email recently,

but I'm just so happy that I have an abundance of happy and good memories. It's like the negative stuff doesn't matter anymore, especially when, in reality, my negative memories (memories where I fail to perform or achieve properly) are so minute compared to all the great good and wonderful memories.

So, I was basically feeling like I am actually probably one of the happiest or happier people alive.

Part of my memories today has been to make me realize that there was good in some of the bad experiences I had ------ the church seems so wrong, but maybe that's OK.

Like, as far as I am aware, the concept of a person being perfect or self-righteous or holier than thou is actually WRONG.

I had to remember the concept of how being a super-super-good-boy can or is actually frowned upon.

The church teaches that they are trying to achieve perfection --- but if you achieve perfection, what then?

Is it, in fact, possible that the self-righteous-proud-holier-than-thou attitude is actually wrong or a sin somehow? Yeah, I think it is.

So:::: The church strives for some kind of perfection, but they also seem so wrong in so many ways.

Just goes to show something I think.

But there is actually A LOT to learn about God, metaphysical laws, and religion.

It can be so easy to turn it all away and say it's all a load of crap ----- but there is so much more at work that I was aware of when I was young.

Like ----- at one point in my life, when I realized that God changed his mind on an issue part way through a story ------ I was put-off at how God suddenly just changed.

But I've been reading this supposed non-fiction book about prophets and learned that God CAN and DOES, in fact, change his mind.

Like, wow! Mind blowing!!!

That's just my example, getting all discouraged at how God suddenly just changes the policy and then having enough time and more studying/training to realize that God can and does just change his mind.

Not just in Mormonism, but in Christianity as well!!!

So::: I was discouraged about ever marrying or fulfilling what my dreams were from a younger time ---- but I became filled with good memories and benevolent perspectives so now I wonder if God is trying to encourage me through my thoughts somehow.

But::: Actually fulfilling my LDS patriarchal blessing would involve a huge change in my lifestyle, and I am just so comfortable and happy with where I am already today!!!

Anyway, I guess I'm just reporting now that I am living with very high happiness levels and I just feel so good about my life.

I had lots to think about. Probably too much to say on my blog, and you might get bored reading all my thoughts, so above in enough for now, I guess.

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Keeping Track of My Credit Score

I logged in to my brokerage account this morning.

They told me they had a new service where they could show me my credit score.

I looked it up.

They told me my score, but on this bank's scale, the score was put just one step above the worst level.

This bank had previously offered me a $10,000 credit card --- so I wondered why my credit score was just one level above the bottom.

So, I went to another financial institution that offers a similar service just to make sure ---- sure enough the credit score was the same ------ except on this 2nd bank's scale I was one step below the top level and three or four steps from the bottom.

So::: different banks scale the credit scores differently.

In one bank I'm in the second level from the bottom, and at another bank, the same score is second level from the top.

Not that I really intend on ever getting a new credit card or going into debt.

An interesting thing about the information at bank #1 ---- the information looked very old.

Another thing:::: At bank #3 I'm always telling them I'm on Unemployment & Disability,

while at bank #1 they had my status listed as Self-Employed.

Kind of makes me laugh to see that.

I'm being recognized, I guess, as someone who has tried. Except for yesterday's wishy-washy-in-authenticity e-transfer, I never really receive much.

So::: I am on Disability all the time, but I tried to work ------- so two different banks have two different statuses on me.

And two different banks look at the same credit score in vastly different ways it looks like.

Friday, May 11, 2018

Excitement and defeat X2

[Darnit, I started this post on my Linux Laptop --- and it crashed part way through. I'm just commenting on how unfortunate it is that twice in the past week I think when I started writing a post on my Linux Laptop that both times the laptop froze. Annoying]


So::: People who talk about the Law of Attraction talk about how you should imagine a cheque arriving in the mail instead of a bill.

I did this for a little while.

It appears to have worked. Sort of.

When the mail arrived today, there was an envelope with a clear plastic window for the address:

and this address had the words "Pay to the order of" printed above it.

Excitement for a moment.

The address looked like mine. But only until a moment of dyslexia wore off:: two of the digits were flipped, and the name did not reside in our household.

So, when the postie came back with more mail, I gave the letter to her so she could deliver it to the rightful owner.

So::: That experience alone was interesting enough. It definitely highlights how your mail just might not arrive. So I was going to write an email about it to friends.

And when I checked my email, and old addy I don't use anymore had a new message sent today in my Inbox.

It was an Interac E-Transfer for $414.00.

Really exciting to get two payments by mail and email which are completely unexpected and completely unusual.

So::: I look at the email.

The name of the person who sent me the transfer looked like a reference to my story of how I believe my grandmother's ghost sexually activated me after she died.

In my book I mention my grandmother's death --- and how I started to first masturbate directly afterward.

The name of the sender of this transfer looked like it could have been referencing that experience.

I told Interac about the message, not entirely sure if it could be trusted ---- I've seen phishing scams in other family members inboxes before, so I wanted to be careful.

Interac never got back to me so far today, but my Dad came home from a trip he went on so I decided to ask him what he thought.

My Dad did not recognize the slang term used in the name as a reference to my grandma story ---- and though the link in the email looks 100% legitimate, he concluded it was phishing.

So, curiosity got the better of me, and I clicked the link.

The link was 100% legitimate.

The only problem is, I waited so long between the sending of the email, the receiving of the email, the report to Interac and then finally clicking on the link ----- the transfer had been canceled.

The link URL looked legitimate. It did actually take me to Interac's proper website. And it didn't ask for any personal information --- so it wasn't phishing in that regard.

The only problem is that whoever decided to cancel the transfer before I clicked the link.

The other problem was that I wasn't 100% clear on who sent me the email, and what it was for.

It was sent to an old address I don't use anymore.  There are very limited choices about who would do that:

1) Someone I don't know who was given my addy as a mistake
2) The church
3) my version of the ballerina-girl
4) Avril Lavigne

Not many other people would have known to send to me at that address.

I didn't really use that email address much or for long::: it really is that limited or about that limited in the scope of who would know to contact me that way.

So yeah. Two checks. Excitement. Disappointment.

Dad said the e-transfer was phishing ---- but the link was in fact legitimate. It's just that the transfer was canceled, either because they didn't really want to send me the money - or because Interac might've canceled it when I asked them "What's this all about then?" and they never got back to me about that.

It feels like I'm getting close, kind of. Sort of.

excitement and it seems like I almost made it.

Even the name of the sender of the e-transfer looked like a historical reference in my life if interpreted.

So who knows.

Got my hopes up though.

An e-transfer sent and canceled all in one day. Huh. I was lucky I checked my email that way --- under normal circumstances I wouldn't have seen it for a while.


So, I was just sitting here thinking about my life.

What is my purpose in life?

What am I supposed to be doing?

I thought about all the things I tried to do --- and where I currently am today.

I was a really good student ---- but other students and my own sisters were tearing me down --- and I became mentally ill.

I made an agreement to serve God ----- but the Bishop decided I actually made a deal with the devil and though I was the best priest I suddenly became the worst sinner just because I was doing what I was supposed to.

I was trying to become some kind of psychic rockstar in my friendship with Avril Lavigne ----- but again, I'm not allowed to do that.

I tried writing books ------- somehow I just don't get paid for that even if I was able to identify $10,000CAD worth of pirating theft.

I tried developing video games --------- again, I don't get paid.

What's weird is ------- there is always seeming to be something go wrong with whatever I try to do with my life.

Above I listed 5 things I was doing ------ NONE of them could be successful or none of these things were allowed to be successful.

So::: what am I allowed to do?

To live at home, surviving on the government dole.

All I do is accept disability and live with my parents.

I'm living OK -- not the best, not the worst,

but it's just too bad that I wasn't allowed to live my life doing something else because now that I'm basically forced to just live with my parents there is a problem:::::

I'm not allowed to succeed at anything I try it seems.

But living at home, I'm also not allowed just to talk about what's on my mind.

I HAVE to write emails to the hospital and write this blog --- because my parents hate to hear me talking.

It's just strange if my purpose in life is to sit here living like this --- because what I do here is largely useless and I'm generally just not allowed to talk about the things I'm thinking!!

So, I tried, I list 5 things above that I tried doing with my life ---- all failures for whatever reason,

and the one thing I CAN be allowed to do is useless, and I can't even just talk about things in this environment.

This is basically just my observation that something has gone so wrong with my life. Basically.

I'm not allowed to succeed. In fact:: I'm not even allowed to talk.

Isn't that weird?

I went from the best priest, top student, to be the worst sinner simply because I was doing what I was supposed to.

That is so strange.

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Frustration and Regrets

I feel like venting my frustration or regrets, but I know if I talk to my Dad, then my Dad will just interrupt, argue, not stay objective and try to end the discussion.

If I try to talk to my Mom, then invariably my Dad will get involved anyway ---- so I turn to my blog.

I used to be one of the top students in school. I got awards for my abilities, I got really high grades.

I've been learning about metaphysical laws.

The Law of Attraction: You get what you ask for.
Karma: You get what you give.
Gratitude: You get more of what you are grateful for and less of what you are not.

So:: I was a really good student.

But my sisters and their friends wanted me to be insane. Just short months before my diagnosis with Schizophrenia, my sisters had a party where they and their friends were deliberately trying to drive me to mental illness.

They didn't care that I was one of the best students --- they weren't grateful that I could have become something really useful and brilliant in my future.

They squandered my intelligence by demanding me to be mentally ill.

They were not grateful for my schooling, so we lost my schooling.

They were asking for severe mental illness::: so I became severely mentally ill.

That is just the first regret I want to talk about.

The second is this:::

When I published The Book of Finch, I had all the possibility in the world to sell many copies and become wealthy, more or less.

But, again, my Dad has no idea how to handle the law of attraction, so:::

After I bought something a bit expensive (but I still had quite a bit left) he was all like "YOU ARE GOING TO RUN OUT OF MONEY!!!"

OMG. You will not believe how upsetting that was. I am sitting here selling a product, all the potential for my future is at my fingertips, and I still have funding available:::: and here my Dad is misusing the Law of Attraction to tell me I'm going to run out of money.


Well, the scriptures say you get what you ask for, and it would be bad if my Dad made a false prophecy,

So I did end up losing all my money at one point ---- but only after my brother-in-law's bank account was cleared out by a thief, just shortly after my Dad made that declaration.

Yes ----- there is something really stupid about my family, we can't be grateful for my good shooling and we have to drive the good student insane, while we can't hope for the best on my project and we have to tell ourselves to run out of money.

These are some of the stupidest things we have done I think.

And after all these years of writing books and selling video games::: it turns out my Mom DOESN'T even actually want me to be rich, she doesn't want me to be a millionaire.

We have sabotaged ourselves so badly.

And, finally, here's my story of a bit of weirdness from the LDS Church I made mention of from a few days ago:

My Bishop told me I was the best priest in the quorum.

A teacher's and priest's duty is to make sure there is no iniquity in the church.

So, having found some serious iniquity in the church, I take it to church litigation so it will be dealt with.

I just get told that I have to forgive them and if I don't then I'll be condemned of the greater sin.

So:::: there are TWO points of contradiction here I want to point out:::

1) I went from the best priest in the quorum, to be the worst sinner, simply because I was doing my duty of making sure there's no iniquity in the church. WTH?

2) How am I supposed to make sure there's no iniquity in the church if I'm always having to forgive everything???

THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!!! No wonder I'm schizophrenic.

But yeah ---- I rely on blogging and email to discuss my problems because I only get 15 minutes every 3 weeks with my doctor,

and it's very difficult to discuss anything with my family because my Dad just argues, interrupts, won't stay objective and always tries to just end the discussion. It's so bloody annoying, and frustrating.

And what's sad, is that even though the Law of Attraction and Gratitude (and maybe Karma?) are 100% scriptural concepts, my Dad rejects the ideas.

I know he's always saying "Trust Christ!!" ----- but then he doesn't accept the basic concept of how reality works based on actual scriptures.  It's so friggin pathetic.

And then there's my Mom::::

I explain to her the Law of Attraction, but for some reason, she's under the impression that the people who teach metaphysical laws are atheists who reject and do not recognize God.

I had to repeatedly explain to her that the Law of Attraction is BASED ON SCRIPTURE.

"Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you".

The Joseph Smith version "If ye be purified and cleansed from all sin, you shall ask whatsoever you will in the name of Jesus and it SHALL BE DONE".

I mean:::: It doesn't take a genius to realize that The Law of Attraction is highly based on God and scripture,

and yet my very religious mother thought they didn't respect God,

while my Dad who loves "Trust Christ!" doesn't even actually believe in the basic concept!!!

Friggin hell.

What am I living for anyway?

Monday, May 7, 2018

I was thanked for 10 years

10 years ago, Avril Lavigne held her Best Damn Tour concert in Calgary.

Shortly after that, I heard someone at the door and I opened the door to see a short blonde girl who looked a lot like Avril Lavigne standing there --- with some material to tell me about the Plan Canada Charity.

At the time, I couldn't afford to help. My credit card was maxed out and AiSH was barely enough.

What's interesting is that the CEO of Plan Canada has sent me a card to thank me for 10 years of help.

That's interesting that it was 10 years ago we're commemorating --- because 10 years ago was when I first heard about the organization.

I didn't actually donate, if I remember correctly, until late 2010.

So::: though it's only been 7-8 years since I first donated, I got the 10 year card today --- because it was, I guess, about 10 years ago someone who looked like a rock star I had recently been to the concert of appeared at my front door to tell me about the charity.


That is very interesting that the CEO of the Charity would commemorate that moment about 10 years ago.


Well, I feel happy. I have memories of how my financial story has been for the past 10 years --- and things have greatly improved since 10 years ago, even if I never got paid much for my actual work.

I have to wonder if that big donation I made in 2010 somehow caused a metaphysical law to give back to me a big increase in my benefit. Maybe that's what it was.

Because in 2010 I applied for and managed to get a big credit limit on a low-interest rate credit card --- where I was able to pay for publishing my book.  And, as I felt like I could afford it, I spent a bunch of money on Charity too at that time.

The book didn't really pay. But magically Alberta now has probably the most beneficial disability benefit in the country. Metaphysics maybe?

Anyway, good memories

Someone is having a bad day

So: this blog post kind of more actual news rather than just me talking about my life.

Personally, my day hasn't been so bad ---- but I went on a car ride today and saw two things out of the ordinary happen.

As I and my Dad were driving along, we just saw a guy fall off his bicycle. This experience is unique enough ----

but when we got to our destination, the shop we were going to:::: there were police cars and a SWAT team hanging out outside the store.

As my Dad and I walked into the store, the person who greeted us told us the situation had already been involved.

So::: according to The Law of Attraction, if your day starts bad, it just keeps going on bad.

My Day hasn't been so bad, I've been having a pretty good day,

but I saw two things go wrong in the local community today, and these two things are completely out of the ordinary occurrences.


My Dad and I bought what we wanted, left the store: and the SWAT team was already gone.


Last night I sent an email to my friends and family about how strange something about my experience in the LDS Church was.

Maybe I'll talk about it on my blog some time, but I don't really feel like it right now.


but yeah, I guess someone is having a bad day. Two seemingly unconnected disasters at about the same time in the same city. So strange.

Oh ---- and no, we did not stop to "help" the guy who fell off his bike --- we didn't feel any great need to, nor did we want to block traffic on the one-way lane.

Just other people having bad experiences I guess. I'm just wondering if there's any spiritual or metaphysical explanation for any of this. I don't know.

Saturday, May 5, 2018

Gaming Today with me

On a side note, I will say that psychologically I have a small issue where momentarily at various periods, for who knows what reason, I feel a little insecure for a little while. It's momentary, it doesn't last, sometimes I feel confident, but sometimes I feel insecure. Whatever that's supposed to mean.

So::: ever since I rearranged some of the electronics in my house, I've gotten deeper into being a gamer again.

If you knew me personally, maybe you would know that I love going for car rides. I spend a lot of time with my father, partly because he drives the van, and I love riding with him in the van.

Well, a Youtube video told me about this game that's supposedly pretty popular:: it's called "American Truck Simulator".

I bought it on Steam on my Mac.

and I love it.

That game is actually awfully similar in its effect on me as actually going for an actual car ride. It's about the same level of fun as a real car ride --- except these can be long distance journeys, so it becomes extra fun.

One time, as I was about to open Steam to play, I accidentally opened Unity 3d 4 instead and a dialog said that the software is getting old for the current version of MacOS, and that the developer will need to update it.

I doubt Unity 4 will be updated for a newer version of MacOS.  Unity 4 still runs on the current version, but there's a dialog that warns it needs to be updated.

SO::: I would love to be able to keep my Mac Mini as a legacy machine for "developing" or "archiving" my old video games like Blaine Bananatree, but I also want to have a modern mac with the latest software, in the future.

And because my current Mac is only just barely capable of playing American Truck Simulator, that got my mind wandering into this idea that maybe I need or want to buy myself a high-end iMac or something.

The model I was looking at costs ~$5000CAD, and if I strictly save every month I might be able to afford it in a bit over a year of saving ---- but my Dad also says that spending that kind of money on an iMac would be a waste of money.

I suppose iMacs are big and bulky and aren't good for storage after they get old. I have an iMac, it's old now, and though it's mostly useless by now, it just takes up space (but I think my brother uses it actually).

So::::: looking into a future at a time when the new computer becomes obsolete, maybe it makes the most sense to buy a Mini or a Mac Mini, because it hardly takes up any space and is easy to store --- just like my current Mac mini which I want to store for archival purposes.

So::: I guess my best option is just to save up for a little while and buy a really souped-up Mac Mini when I have the money --------

I've actually been thinking about this possibility for a while already, but months ago when I thought about it, I figured I would want a new model upgraded mac mini beyond the 2014 current model.

I put some money in a 90 Day GIC to save, as I thought at the time, for a slightly more future time when a new mac mini might arrive.

That GIC is going to mature in a couple weeks ----- and no new mac minis announced.

Well, I guess I'll have to be patient. Just keep saving.

So::: the point of this blog post:::

I found a game that's very enjoyable, as fun as a real car ride, and I love car rides.

And my thinking about how I would love to get a new mac soon so I can put my old mac into storage for archival purposes.

And finally, I will just say that when I bought my current 2012 model mac mini, I was especially "lucky" or "foresighted" to buy it with the upgraded processor at build-to-order, because the standard model processer I think might've had difficulty playing American Truck Simulator.

So I got kind of lucky in that regard. Thank God. (and yes, I am quite certain there really is a God).

Friday, May 4, 2018

I just feel like talking about this

Maybe I'm just beating a dead horse with a stick now - but the following is on my mind so I'm just going to write about it on my blog.

I and my brother share some elements of a common history, besides coming from the same family.

I was reading my LDS Patriarchal blessing this morning::: I noticed it said I would "always be recognized as a faithful servant in Israel".

And then I remembered that the Bishop at that time personally told me that I was the "best priest in the quorum".

But, just a couple months after being told these things, all of the sudden the Bishop changed his story to this idea that I was a schizophrenic worshipper of Satan.

Yup ---- One minute the church is telling me I'm the best they've got, that I'll be recognized as a faithful servant, that I'll be a traveling preacher to the nations as the Lord's lifetime servant ----

next minute the church tells me I'm schizophrenic, that I made a deal with the devil - and that I need to take my meds.

Want to know something interesting?

I'm not my brother, but the same thing basically happened to him too::::

The bishop told my brother that he was the best priest in the quorum (long before I became a priest) and the next thing my brother knew he was being sent to a psychiatrist to be diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Am I noticing a pattern here?

My brother and I were both totally the best priests in the quorum according to the same bishop.

Then that same bishop sent us both to psychiatric doctors where we both got diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Something doesn't seem right here.

I think that this bishop either has a bad track record of determining who is the best or he has a poor track record of sending the best on a path that will ultimately end in a loss of LDS testimony.

OK ---- In the end I'm sure most would completely understand that the church wasn't really true ---

but my brother and I were being raised in this church and brainwashed to believe in it.

We did what we could with it to the best of our abilities, we both got told that we were the best, and then we both got labeled as schizophrenics.

There's just something so wrong with this situation.

I could probably write for a long time about reasons why the church ended up being ultimately disproved and how there was a lot going completely wrong at that time ----- but the above is enough to show, I think, how wrong the whole thing was.  The above story is just the tip of the iceberg.

But what's really weird is before I got my patriarchal blessing, I was a top student, with a 98% final exam grade in Chemistry.

The patriarchal blessing said I would have an "especially blessed mind".

And then --- boom --- schizophrenic.

So, if I have an especially blessed mind, then why did I suddenly go from hero to zero?

The old Stake President who became an Area Authority told me the special blessing for my mind was the expensive medications that I take.

But I've been doing research on mental illness lately and I have my own experience ---- an no, the medications I take don't really take away the schizophrenia or the psychosis.  The medications aren't really a cure.

I still hear thoughts regardless of taking meds --- therefore the meds don't *really* work (not that I actually really want to lose my telepathic abilities).

The meds do cause weight gain, so they are unhealthy, and they don't really fix psychosis.

So why did the Stake President think they were a special blessing for me, when before the blessing I was a top of the class student?

I'm not really sure how that works.

But in all seriousness --------- the psychiatric doctors have this obsession with making me disbelieve in telepathy or hearing thoughts or whatever, and that's why I get forced on meds.

Fact is::: I never wanted the meds. I'm actually TRYING to hear voices -- I'm TRYING to be telepathic ---- the doctors had completely opposite goals for my life.

So they forced me on meds.  And the meds don't change anything. They were just really unhealthy.

So the doctors were basically ignoring my own will for my own life choices and tried to force me on a path that I didn't want so I was forced to take meds that I didn't think I needed -----

and the meds don't *really* work and they are unhealthy.

And the church said that was somehow a good thing.

As for proving my belief in telepathy::: YES I proved some kind of psychic telepathic ability. I've had it proven for many years. My current doctor basically admitted I was right and there's no argument on that topic anymore.

But I'm still on meds.

Here's just a recent story from how I know I hear actual legitimate thoughts that aren't just brain problems but are based in reality::::

for a long time, in my "telepathy" with Avril Lavigne or "her community" I would from time to time hear the phrase "shits n' giggles".

I had never physically heard this phrase before at all, and I only heard it in my mind for a long time.

Then, last night as I was watching a video by a psychotherapist on Youtube --- guess what?  She used the phrase "shits n' giggles" ---- the very first time I had heard that phrase with my very own ears rather than with my mind.

so:::: I hear a specific phrase on the "Avril" or "Avril Community" end of my telepathy, over and over again over the years, and then the very first time I actually hear the same phrase is from an actual psychotherapist on Youtube.

What does that mean?

I've had this idea for a while ----- but Avril Lavigne is likely some form of therapist or psychotherapist who was trying to help me. The recent phrase just goes to demonstrate this idea further.

And what's really weird --- though the church wanted me to be schizophrenic and they wanted me on unhealthy meds --------

the work of my actual psychotherapist, Avril Lavigne, was frowned upon by the church.

yes! That's right!  The healthcare that actually helped me get better, the health care that ACTUALLY HELPED --- it wasn't allowed!!! 


Well, there you go.

So really, in my life, the LDS church really didn't actually do a whole lot to help me.

They helped me stay away from Tobacco. And they basically gave me something to think about for a long time.  That's what they did for me.