In one sense, taking such deep interest in religious issues has done me a tonne of good.
But in another sense, it seems like the biggest waste of time and I could have spent my life doing something better and more constructive.
I feel crazy with how absolutely off course my family has been pretty much since the beginning of my life. Or right near the beginning.
Even though in the end the Mormon church is completely cracked --- they did try to teach some good things and tried to do some good things and to be useful.
Unfortunately, despite years of devotion, some members of my family were slower in acquiring knowledge of the teachings than others were.
The church had one very good teaching which should have been learned and applied very quickly: "Let us oft speak kind words to each other".
I think those are actually the words of a hymn. And, in fact, they are remarkable in what they teach.
In my family, I was one of the brightest students. My sister struggled.
My sister's mistake was she constantly called me and my brother names --- and she didn't quit until we had both been driven mad.
If she had said nice things, how much more likely would we have been to help her with her coursework or studying or learning or tutoring or whathaveyou?
We were good students. She struggled. But she wasn't going to get help as she insisted on calling us names all the time.
And, with all the name calling, well, you get what you ask for, so he and I became disabled ---- and now my family is way less productive than it would have been if we had been nice to each other.
It's not that she wasn't told to not say bad things, we told her plenty of times not to say things like that. I can't totally speak for her, but from my perspective, she just never cared to listen to our advice.
She could have learned so much from us ----- but she never listened to us and insisted on calling us names.
This is completely counter-productive behavior. The family should operate as a team, it shouldn't be trying to cause itself to fail.
In some ways learning as much as I could about religion has been one of the best things I ever did.
But in other ways, I feel like I've wasted my life and I could have done something so much better with my time ---- especially if my family had been less dysfunctional.
Just the words you speak can make all the difference in the world.
If you struggle in school, it is actually really bad idea to call your more intelligent siblings names. It's not going to work out very well.
Anyway --- yes ---- I just see that my family geared me up for failure in my life.
Before I was a good student my sister was very aggressive at me.
When I was a good student, my sister just called me names and succeeded in driving me mad.
After I recovered from my madness, I did some work that I was capable of doing, but my family still wasn't really being supportive.
There's something wrong with that.
I try so hard, and I get so far and so close, and yet consistently I just see that my family doesn't care about helping me or letting me succeed.
It's like my life has been a waste of time.