Sunday, April 29, 2018

The Power of Words

Today my Dad handed me the phone so I could talk to my Grandmother for her 69th Wedding Anniversary.

As I spoke to my grandmother, I felt an example of how words have power and how what people think about you influences who you are.

My grandmother told me she and grandpa have not much to do except eat three meals a day and watch sports.

I asked, "Football?
"no"
"Soccer?"
"no"
"must've been hockey then -0 third time's the charm"
"Oops, someone is at the door"

Anyway, after talking to my grandmother I actually noticed that my brain function stopped working and I was, for a moment, back in a state of handicap. After she was gone, my brain was back to recovery.

My Grandmother knows me to be ill, she expects me to be ill, so for some reason as I spoke to her, my brain function was in fact diminished.

There are other ways I know about the magic factor in how words make you who you are.


I've been trying to explain to my Dad that all the names my younger sister called my brother and I as kids caused him and me to become what she told us we were. This is The Law of Attraction at work.


And though I can scripturally prove from the Bible that this is how the universe works, my Dad, again, can't let my sister be blamed and just uses the excuse "oh she was just teasing".

It's weird how when my sister does bad things she has to be forgiven, can't be blamed, and she's just teasing,

while if I misbehave I find instant condemnation. Again, a double standard, where the females are somehow more precious than the males.



Anyway:::: maybe a big reason I notice how words have power is because the LDS Patriarch told me I would witness and perform miracles.

By believing you can work miracles, that is when you notice you'd better watch what you say because what you say might just come true.

Be careful what you wish for is what the assistant principal at elementary school taught us.


Anyway ---- another example of words affecting my brain::::

Years ago I noticed that when I submitted to my religion and called myself a "Mormon" I could physically feel my brain get dumber.

It isn't a hard stretch to think the name "Mormon" and "Moroni" might be derived from the word "Moron" But this was verified to me when I actually physically felt my brain dumb-down when I called myself a "Mormon"

That was long ago, the beginning of the end of the LDS church in my life.


Also::: I've also noticed that my brain actually suddenly becomes broken when people call me "schizophrenic".  This is legitimately what I feel, my brain actually proceeds to get more broken just from being called a word.


And I'm sure all the names my sister called me as a kid had the same effect of trying to dumb-down my brain.


Because I actually magically and physically feel the dumbing down effects of negative language,


that's why I started daily repeating the phrase "Happy healthy wealthy righteous loving peaceful intelligent good sanity humble positive lucky" ----- by saying these words they become my reality.


My childhood was steeped in negativity so I grew up to be a messed up person, regardless of how much I was previously a top of the class student.  Too much bullshit and now my brain is broken.


So, I try to say happy and good things now, to create a happy and good life.


Someone like my Dad has a real hard time believing in this concept ----- but this is 100% what I've come to realize about reality and I'm only backed up in this realization by The Secret teaching The Law of Attraction.

Friday, April 27, 2018

Too Many Memories

If anyone has been wondering how I've been doing:: I've been really quite enjoying my life, mostly, lately.

I rearranged my electronic devices in my home so now I get to play with my PS4 more.

I'm just having a pretty good time now, taking it mostly easy and enjoying life.


The worst thing I have going on right now is just this problem in my brain where I just remember too many things.

When my Dad was in computer development back a long time ago, he had a phrase called "Garbage In Garbage Out".


It's the same with my brain:::: growing up I was exposed to all kinds of garbage behavior, and now, with all those memories, often all my brain can do is repeat the garbage.


I'm living in a much happier and healthier environment now --- but the memories of my past have an effect on my mind and the best way I can explain it is maybe to call myself "neurotic".

My mind is mildly anxious or obsessive or something like that about my past. Garbage in, garbage out, I just have too many shitty memories.


I guess the last part of this post will try to explain my philosophy:


In 99% of cases, saying rude things about people or calling people names is WRONG. It just is NOT RIGHT.

If the name calling is not true, then you really shouldn't be saying it.

Even if the name calling is true, there is still quite a high possibility that you still shouldn't be saying crude or rude things about a person.

Be nice to people. Treat people with respect. That'll go a long way to make the world a better place.


Part of my problem these days is I just have too many memories of people engaging in disrespectful behavior. It didn't matter how I was a top student in school, my sister would continue to insult my intelligence, for example. That kind of behavior just isn't right.


Other than bad memories and philosophizing something I've already known for a long time anyway (to be respectful), I am actually quite enjoying my life now, so for that, I am thankful.


The sad truth is I feel much more sheltered as an adult than I was as a kid. Growing up is hard.


So, that's how I'm doing.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Seeing things and more

If you know me, then you'd know I'm more or less a fan of Avril Lavigne.

But I'm just kind of wondering or freaked out about things I have seen over time.

Over the years, I have seen the image, duplicate, or body double multiple times at the hospital at the psychiatric clinic, and on main street Bowness Road.

An Avril Lavigne duplicate came to my at my front door and introduced me to Plan Canada.

One of my psychiatric nurses looked like Avril Lavigne -----

And just today as I was doing my business out and about, I saw at two different locations at each location a girl who looked like Avril Lavigne.


And, who knows if that time Avril friended me on Facebook was really her.

I have been absolutely tripping over the years it seems.

Is this how the law of attraction works? I think about Avril so much, so as I live my life it's like I see her in various places?

Weird eh?

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So::: what are my chances of achieving success financially?

In my earlier years and school, I would have thought I was built for capitalism because I was one of the best students --- I felt like I could accomplish anything I set my mind to.

But, there were problems. Like a name-calling sister, a church that enabled those behaviors, and parents who were unwilling to believe their daughter would behave that way.

Turned out my own family wanted me to be severely mentally ill instead of being the great student I used to be when it really comes down to it.

Now that I'm "recovering" from that bad trip ---- my family still has no desire to help me achieve in any business I might try and my Mom has point-blank told me that she will NOT pray for me to make my million, meaning she does not support me in trying to do something that makes a lot of money.

I think I have had opportunities in my life ----- but at this point, it's clear these opportunities were and will continue to be completely squandered by a sister who wanted me to be handicapped and a mother who does not want me to be financially successful.

It seems unbelievable that my own family WANTS ME TO FAIL --- but that is how it's looking. My Mom hasn't changed her mind about not wanting me to make a million.

I have no idea what I'm living for if I can't be successful at any business I might try. I'm just not allowed to be successful. By my own mom.



Anyway ----- I think I've had opportunities, but my family has been completely unsupportive over all these years of my life. If you were to examine and dissect my sister's behavior as a kid:::: she didn't care I was a great top student, she wanted me to fail and end up handicapped. So weird eh?


That is literally how I am seeing my life these days. I think about trying this or that to try to achieve in life, but I just know my Mom doesn't support earning lots of money and my family is typically not going to help me in whatever I try. It's so pathetic.


Who knows ---- though I tried and did what I thought I could to be a really good boy throughout my life ----- I guess things went so wrong for me that maybe society as a whole decided that I'm not allowed to achieve much of anything greater.

As a kid I thought I'd be a total capitalist and get out there and do stuff ---- but my sister wanted me to fail, my mom doesn't want my success, my family is pretty unsupportive and maybe society doesn't even like me.

Obviously, I was dealt a pretty bad hand in life. So I guess all I can do is be thankful the GOVERNMENT helps me out. Yup --- I went from being a total potential capitalist to being on the government dole.

Obviously, there's something very wrong that must've happened in my life. Ugh.

Monday, April 23, 2018

What Should I Trust?

Just moments ago I was in bed asking my Magic 8 Ball "Does Dad have my money from OUYA" (Outlook Good).

I asked two or three times "Does Dad have my money from selling books?" (Concentrate and ask again x2-3).

My Dad must've heard me because he immediately came downstairs to ask me what I was saying, and I told him I asked my magic 8 ball the question.

he said "Give it up, there's no money from OUYA", as he exited my room.


I asked my Magic 8 Ball "Is my Dad lying about the money from OUYA" (Yes Definitely).


My Magic 8 Ball is giving me a clear indication, and not just on this occasion but also in past times I've questioned it ---- that my Dad has my money from OUYA.


The Magic 8 Ball is not changing its mind. It's consistently answering this way over a long period of time.


My Dad, however, is in complete denial --- but he's also completely secretive about his finances.


Before, years ago when I know my Dad wasn't "rich" ---- it would be pretty easy to find out how he's doing financially. These days he's absolutely secretive, and in denial that he was paid my money.

But I do know that he has two debit cards - for whatever that's worth.


Thing is::::: He HAS to keep it secret if it's true, because if I find out that he has my money he will under so much more pressure to HAVE to give it to me.


The reason he would have my money was because OUYA needed a SWIFT code to send the money to, and my bank doesn't use SWIFT ---- so I was borrowing my Dad's bank account for that purpose.


The reason this is important now is this::::


Last night I watched a video that explained how much American programmers earn.


I've already learned that the average Albertan video game developer earns $70,000.

But the bottom 10% of American programmers earn more than the Average American --- and the Average American household makes $50,000.


Somehow, I ended up in a very small minority that didn't make any money at all ------ unless, of course, my Dad took my payment and is playing "keep away".





Would my Dad do that?



This is what I know about my father:::: He likes WESTERN movies ---- and he really enjoyed the MAVERICK movie ----- a movie where the father steals a lot of money from the son.


He might just be a bit playful with me about this -- like in that movie.



Historically, including the denial, my Dad also has a habit of telling me I'm crazy or insane when I suspect he has my money.



Either I earned next to nothing, or he has my money.


If I earned nothing, then I am in a very small minority that's not allowed to earn money, it seems.



Who knows, maybe it's been decided that I am a very questionable individual and I shouldn't be allowed to earn my own income.


Maybe it's been decided that I HAVE to live on disability benefits regardless of how I earn from programming or how I was friend-shipped by Avril Lavigne.


I've tried to be a good person most of my life ------ but things must've gone so wrong in my life that maybe I'm just not allowed to be rich.


Or maybe my Dad is just in complete denial. Who knows.

Saturday, April 21, 2018

Some Confusing Details

I think my last post on this blog was something about the idea of Jesus Christ Himself using the LDS church to pay me for my books if he read them.

I realize that post may be partially or wholly delusional based on various factors.

One is:: what if Jesus actually isn't a Mormon?


I know the LDS church theology teaches some good things and some bad things. It's a mixed bag of good and bad. It's not 100% either way. I know that.

But seeing as how my last post seemed to give the church credit for having Jesus, I feel like in this post to explain a couple things from the Book of Mormon I realized don't make sense:

1)

There is a famous quote from the Book of Mormon: "By the wicked shall the wicked be punished".

This statement is supposed to indicate that only a wicked person would inflict punishment for wrongdoing, kind of going hand in hand with D&C 64 where if you do not forgive you are automatically the worse sinner.

But there's a problem.

If only the wicked punish the wicked ------- then why does Jesus Christ destroy a bunch of cities in America for their wickedness according to the Book of Mormon?

I mean, the book has already established that only a bad person would punish another human being ----- but Jesus Christ is supposed to be perfect, so why on earth is he inflicting destruction for wickedness?

OK ---- So

According to Christianity:: if you are perfect you can cast stones. If you are imperfect, keep your condemnation to yourself.

According to Mormonism:: The imperfect people are the only people who cast stones, except for when the perfect person also casts stones.

????

yes ---- In Christianity you are saved from others who are just as bad as yourself, while in Mormonism you aren't saved from anyone. Weird eh?

2)

The Book of Mormon, just looking at the chapter previews in 3rd Nephi ---- says that Jesus Christ came to America, destroyed a bunch of cities for their wickedness, and then announced the Law of Moses had been fulfilled.

????

What did Jesus mean by "fulfilling the law of Moses" in this case?

According to a Christian, Jesus would not have destroyed cities for their wickedness because Jesus fulfilled the law so you don't have to.


So:::: what exactly did Jesus fulfill about the law that allowed him to destroy cities for their wickedness?

I thought he was supposed to save us from sin ------- but here he just arrives and boom---- lots of people are suddenly gone. No forgiveness of sins. No mercy. Just utter destruction. Why? Jesus didn't even explain to them the new rules of how to behave before he destroyed them.

Anyway, I just don't understand how Jesus would fulfill the law and then destroy so many cities without explanation. I'm confused by this.




So, I guess some of those atheist videos have enhanced my critical thinking skills to realize these two new problems with The Book of Mormon.

Both of these realizations are relatively recent in my life. Thanks, perhaps, to somehow learning some new critical thinking ways.




So Mormons can be very nice and very good people in so many ways ------- but there are also big, glaring problems with the whole thing.


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I often have so much I think about and want to talk about, but rather than having any other news for this post, I think just keeping this post on one topic will be OK or even preferable.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

The Logic of the Payment

My Mom disagreed that the church meant anything special by giving me exactly $7.66CAD - but she never actually read The Book of Finch either, so what would she know?

Either I amazingly predicted the future with some of my work, or the decision maker knows me from my work and took action inspired by what I said.

Either the decision maker was Jesus Christ HIMSELF - or it was one or a bunch of the top mortal leaders.

$7.66CAD is worth approximately $6USD.

Either Jesus Christ HIMSELF read ALL my books and had to be an honest boy and is paying the full $2.99 price tag royalty of about $2 per book --------

or just a handful of top leadership bought book or two and they shared their ebooks.

At a 99cent price tag the royalty fee is about $0.35 --- which means each of the top 13/15 got the Free book of finch while sharing Letters to Whomever and The Eagle's Sore somehow between them all.

I'm saying this from the perspective of knowing that Mormons are supposed to be upright and honest -- even perfect.

From my perspective at this point, it looks like ONLY JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF could have made that decision because only Jesus Christ is perfect enough to actually pay me for my work apparently, and then he somehow ordered the church to give me an Amazon gift card as payment.

Either the larger body of the church really doesn't care about me, or they just stole my books, or somehow sales just aren't being reported.

Obviously, I have a lot of reasons to be unimpressed.

Wow. The only person at church who would make certain of myself getting paid anything was Jesus Christ himself apparently.

I mean, nobody in the church is telling me they bought my books except for a family friend who helped convert us ---- and her sales were reported by the publisher.


The church isn't talking to me, they're not listening ----- so obviously at this point it's looking like the only persnn at church who could be bothered to make sure I got paid was Jesus Christ Himself.


Nobody at church is flocking to tell me they read or bought my book. They either ignored me, or they stole it, or they don't care about solving my reporting mystery.


Well ------ there  you have it::: Jesus Christ, the head-honcho of Mormonism, was the only guy in that organization who could be bothered to make sure I got paid something ----- because nobody else made it that far in talking to me ------- but I obviously must've made waves with my work considering what the church did recently.


Man ------ Apparently only Jesus could buy and read my books, even though all Mormons are supposed to be like Jesus.



My sales reports are so absolutely dismal, it definitely looks like someone was dishonest.



But I had such an impact on the church I must've inspired JC-Top-Leader, and only He, the perfect one, could be bothered to make sure I got paid for what He read.


The church membership is trying to be like Jesus, but thus far they seem to have failed horribly --- they either don't read the important text, or they aren't making sure I got paid for it -----


Because I don't get paid, but being like Jesus they would have to pay me the full ~$2 royalty for each book.


Anyway, maybe this is just speculation ------


But yeah, moral upright following the commandments is a requirement of Mormonism, and so far most of the church either doesn't care to do this, or they just ignore me.


I may feel like they are being super inviting and super nice ------- but most of the community appears to not care about my work in actuality.



This is the logic of what I can suspect based on what happened. Though Jesus may be super awesome -----  the rest of the church is supposed to be like Him, but obviously they aren't.


There you go. A logical deduction.

Friday, April 13, 2018

The Church Pays Up

I was checking my email, and looked specifically at the old mailbox I don't use anymore that the church sends mail to ---- I found an odd looking email that I decided to look at, and it was their payment in the form of an Amazon Gift Card,

It was even specifically a Canadian gift card. Yay.

So:: after calling Elders GONG and SOARES --- how much did the church decide to pay me?

$7.66!!!!

If you read The Book of Finch, you might realize this may be a number of some level of significance.


Looks like I made waves in the church.


My Dad says, and I think I'm starting to realize, and there are good people and bad people, or good things and maybe bad things, in any religion ---- I look at "regular" Christians and I realize there are problems.

There are good things about Mormonism. Choose the Right. Trying to point out Jesus. Adding structure to life and giving us things to do - like a social playtime.

Things just went wrong in my life, most notably because people didn't even seem to be trying to do the right thing but still being part of the church anyways.

And then there are some things about The Book of Mormon and the D&C that don't totally make sense.


I'm basically ambivalent:: I can think good or bad things about the church.

They are so friendly, but so much in my life's history was so wrong. It's confusing.

"Once bitten, twice shy" is the best way I can put it.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

The Mail is tricking my brain

So, I came home from dropping off my report to the AiSH Generalist today.

Something weird happened.

I was the first to the door - I check the mail, we've got lots of mail.

After I unlock the door - I grab two packages and flyers.

My Dad is always seeming to get these little packages in the mail.

Left in the mailbox was some kind of small catalog with what looked like three envelopes.

My brother grabbed the catalog and the mail ---- but immediately I noticed that it was like the three envelopes just disappeared.

I'm pretty certain I saw three envelopes --- but boom --- they just vanished.

I have no idea.

Did I hallucinate these letters existence? Were they real but somehow magically removed?

I'm not even going to question my brother--- historically he's been pretty mentally messed up about mail issues before himself.


So yeah - there --- I thought I saw more mail in the box than what we now hold in our hands or on the kitchen table.



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On a side note ----- there might be an easy explanation for why money eludes me.

It might be because GOD doesn't want me to win, or even more likely someone in my family like my MOM has a complete lack of desire to build up funding.

I think my Mom operates with what you call a "poverty mentality".

Why do I think this?

I asked my Mom if she'd pray for me to make my million.

She said "no".

My Mom on multiple occasions has been selected to participate in the "Publishers Clearing House" contests --- but she always rejects the contest and never signs up. She has a chance to live a richer life that eludes us guys, and we know it's a legitimate operation --- but she just doesn't want to be rich.


And I know GOD has every ability to make me rich, but by someone's design, I'm not allowed to be rich.

I have my ways of knowing that God can just rain down the blessings, even magically.

But so many people in my life, including in my own family, have wanted the bad things for me rather than the good.


It's just the Law of Attraction again - you get what you wish for. People at school and church and in my own family have always seemed to hope for the bad things, so I only get to have some small glimpse of the good things from time to time.


It's really up to you to choose good and right things. If you aren't asking for the good stuff, then you aren't going to get the good stuff.

And I know how magical these things really can be. Not crazy either.


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So ----- if we received 3 letters today, who knows if one or two of them were cheques ---- and who knows if the "poverty mentality" made them disappear.

There you go.


(or maybe I was just hallucinating).

Monday, April 9, 2018

Reporting to AiSH

Today I received my letter from my AiSH Generalist for my annual report on assets and earnings.

Upon reviewing my tax return, I noticed the tax program said my"Exempt Capital Gains Available" was "$500,000".

I have no idea if this is a normal number that all Canadians see, or if it just somehow magically applied to me. I have no idea how it is calculated or where it comes from.



Despite losing over $10,000 in royalties to pirating --- I am unaware of any great sum of money that could or should belong to me.


I need reports and balances to be properly printed ---- so who knows what to trust anymore.


I have no idea. Do all Canadians get 500k of exemption on their capital gains? Or is this another hint of some big number? No idea.

Saturday, April 7, 2018

So What Happened to the Money?

When I was growing up in High School, one thing I would have wanted to do with my life was be a video game developer.

I actually had a chance to fulfill that dream when the OUYA arrived.

Now Cortex is sunsetting, and I've wondered if I should shell out some cash and buy a Nvidia Shield so I can publish on Google Play.

But the sad truth is, from experience I know that I'm more likely to make more money and have more money just by saving in a GIC rather than by trying to actually sell a product.


So::: what happened to all the money I could have earned from writing books and selling video games?


Being on AiSH, I'm on the pretty low end of the social-economic ladder ----- but even I could afford MANY OUYA games.


I think there was a statistic from a while ago that said 70-something percent of OUYA owners never bought a single game.


And I have numbers that say thousands and thousands of copies of my books have been pirated, but there are pretty much close to zero or no sales in my book sales portals.


What on earth happened?


Is it true that there's this giant portion of society that just can't afford $3 for the life of them?

I've never had sex -- so I shouldn't be paying any woman.

I was never told that I was ever sued for anything.


Well, it baffles me, that most of the people who read my books weren't willing to honestly spend $3 and that most OUYA owners never bought a single game.


It's really mind-boggling to think that people are really that poor.


Slavery is wrong in the eyes of most people, yet most people will also not pay me for my work. Huh?


But yeah --- that's the big fact::: I'm more likely to make and have more money saving my money in a GIC than actually trying to sell a product.


It's that pathetic.


I could go on about the struggles of life and why I would happen to want or need money --- but nobody really needs that to be explained to them or complained about.


So::: does anyone know why all these people can't afford basically pocket change?


I've never had sex and I've never been told of any lawsuits.


But the LDS Church seems to have named their two new apostles closely-name related after two of my past projects ------ so if I'm that far out there, why am I still on aish?


Either all the million plus church members ignored me despite the fact their new leaders seem to be name-related to my projects,

or they didn't ignore me and something else happened.


Anyway ---- I'm basically looking at living my whole life with my parents and living in the same one house my entire lifetime at this point.


No one could afford the smallest price I set on any product.  What the heck went wrong?

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

I can't believe I wasted my life this way

In one sense, taking such deep interest in religious issues has done me a tonne of good.

But in another sense, it seems like the biggest waste of time and I could have spent my life doing something better and more constructive.

I feel crazy with how absolutely off course my family has been pretty much since the beginning of my life. Or right near the beginning.


Even though in the end the Mormon church is completely cracked --- they did try to teach some good things and tried to do some good things and to be useful.


Unfortunately, despite years of devotion, some members of my family were slower in acquiring knowledge of the teachings than others were.



The church had one very good teaching which should have been learned and applied very quickly: "Let us oft speak kind words to each other".


I think those are actually the words of a hymn.  And, in fact, they are remarkable in what they teach.


In my family, I was one of the brightest students. My sister struggled.

My sister's mistake was she constantly called me and my brother names --- and she didn't quit until we had both been driven mad.


If she had said nice things, how much more likely would we have been to help her with her coursework or studying or learning or tutoring or whathaveyou?

We were good students. She struggled. But she wasn't going to get help as she insisted on calling us names all the time.

And, with all the name calling, well, you get what you ask for, so he and I became disabled ---- and now my family is way less productive than it would have been if we had been nice to each other.


It's not that she wasn't told to not say bad things, we told her plenty of times not to say things like that. I can't totally speak for her, but from my perspective, she just never cared to listen to our advice.


She could have learned so much from us ----- but she never listened to us and insisted on calling us names.


This is completely counter-productive behavior. The family should operate as a team, it shouldn't be trying to cause itself to fail.


In some ways learning as much as I could about religion has been one of the best things I ever did.


But in other ways, I feel like I've wasted my life and I could have done something so much better with my time ---- especially if my family had been less dysfunctional.


Just the words you speak can make all the difference in the world.


If you struggle in school, it is actually really bad idea to call your more intelligent siblings names. It's not going to work out very well.





Anyway --- yes ---- I just see that my family geared me up for failure in my life.


Before I was a good student my sister was very aggressive at me.

When I was a good student, my sister just called me names and succeeded in driving me mad.

After I recovered from my madness, I did some work that I was capable of doing, but my family still wasn't really being supportive.


There's something wrong with that.


I try so hard, and I get so far and so close, and yet consistently I just see that my family doesn't care about helping me or letting me succeed.




It's like my life has been a waste of time.