Sunday, March 25, 2018

The Hidden Reasons I went insane - and stayed insane

So:: by now I have a list of NINETEEN problems I was faced with (usually social problems with others) before I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.

I have an additional list of TWELVE problems that popped up since my diagnosis of schizophrenia.

I am not going to publish these lists.

Why?

Well, some of the issues are so messed up ---- and it gets really messed up when you realize I was living with these issues all at the same time ----

It's not good to discuss in polite company.

Even though the lists are 100% truthful, I imagine there might be legal issues, or even just issues with how my website provider might feel about me publishing such information.

It is completely messed up how I was living before I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Most of it was just how other people would treat me.



If you read The Book of Finch and thought that I am somehow completely wrong for telling a true story::: remember, it wasn't everything I could have said ------ I'm not even going to try to list all the reasons I was driven insane.

You might have more sympathy for me if you realize what I went through in its entirety. Life was completely messed up.



So::: Maybe the Book of Finch is an interesting story, maybe I even made myself look bad ----- but I don't even try to dare to tell you everything that actually happened before I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.


The Book doesn't say everything. The book has a lot of interesting stuff in it, but it's not even the full and complete record.



So::: maybe I made myself appear somehow evil in The Book of Finch.

If you knew how my life really was:::: You might have more sympathy for me.


And the really sad truth is::::: My Mom, before I told her this list, had no idea just how messed up things were for me.


Another problem::: when I told my Mom yesterday's blog post about being printed receipts at the ABM that had consistently much bigger balances than listed online:::: my Mom just dismissed it as the bank machine not working. There's no actual possibility in her mind that maybe I might've earned something.


And to tell the truth, before when I asked her if she'd pray for me to make my million, she said "NO".


My own mom wants me to fail.  How sad is that?


Anyway ------ I really tried to do what I thought was right, but the whole world can be pretty messed up so I guess the best way to put it is everything's "shades of grey".

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