I'm lonely. I use my blog to write about what's on my mind.
I have problems on my mind. Not all the problems, but some.
So::: The pirating sites essentially report that I've lost at least $10,000CAD to pirating ---- while my sales reports at all my publishers don't say much of anything at all.
There's been some weirdness with the receipt printout at the ABM for the past 3 printouts ---- things don't totally make sense to me about this unless there is more money that the bank owes me than they're completely telling me about.
In my online portals, sales reports show nothing and the bank says I just get AiSH.
While on pirating sites I've lost at least $10,000 and the bank machine says my account has money in it even when it's supposed to be empty.
Hopefully, I'll find out eventually how much I am really worth ---- the government, including the Canada Revenue Agency and my AiSH Generalist, would love to know I'm sure ---- and time is counting down to the tax deadline.
Either the whole (or most of the) world is very dishonest with me, or I might have something to look forward to.
Yeah --- the online banking portal said I had $0.00. The receipt the ABM printed said $20.00.
Clearly, something isn't making sense, something isn't quite right.
And then there's my thoughts about the church.
There are reasons why religion is not discussed in polite company.
Personally, I have to wonder if Joseph Smith Jr. was just a 19th Century troll when he created his religion. I think he was definitely taking advantage of people's naivety - or something like that.
I would love to discuss some clear points about the book of Mormon ---- but it's not good in polite company. I'll just say here that it looks pretty incoherent actually ---- and you don't even read it all at once so you don't even notice, at least for many years, exactly how incoherent it is.
I was in the church for about 9 years before I was unhappy enough that psychiatrists tried to explain to me not to believe in the organization anymore.
While one of my sisters was a member of the church for like 11 or 12 years, yet remained so clueless that she didn't even actually either know or follow one of the key rules of the church that she should have known and still behaved like she was one of them ----- and even to today, more numerous years later, she's still one of them.
SO: Me::: I took the baptismal covenant seriously and learned everything I could. After 9 years I'm so miserable that psychiatry has to try to get me away from church beliefs.
My sister::: Never really took any of it seriously and obviously didn't really pay attention or actually follow the religion for 11 or 12 years, yet continued to be a complete member and participant.
I am so wishing I could just point out some of the incoherency in The Book of Mormon that I see --- but I'm so used to being censored by my own Dad now that I just feel maybe I shouldn't discuss it in polite company.
Besides censoring myself, that's all I really had to say. Thanks.
Just a moment ago I found an email in my inbox from THE CHURCH CORRELATION RESEARCH DEPARTMENT --- some something like that.
They were actually very kind ----- in exchange for information they were willing to let me have an Amazon Gift Card.
Of course, my Dad, who is not interested in any discussion at all left right and center told me not to respond.
This church department is the only church department allowed to do research on behalf of the church ---- and the incoherency in the book of Mormon I was thinking of this morning might be useful for them to know-----
But seriously. My Dad censors me, even from this official department --- he really is in the "no discussion at all" mindset.
At least the church cares enough not to be bluntly evil at me --- and to even offer a gift.
There must be something said for trying to remain civil when things have been so wrong.
But now ----- do I respond to their questions? Accept the gift card? Or listen to my Dad and keep myself super-super censored?
One part of me might feel a great deal of relief to be able to explain some issues on my mind at this time to the church.
And my Dad has always been very difficult to work with because 95% of the time since 2001 he'll try to automatically shut down discussion of any sort --- even if he himself isn't involved.
OMG ---- probably the biggest issue here is accepting gifts from the church. What are the legalities of such things?
I've heard some scary information previously about what happens if the church might try to give you something.
Do I want to help the church, to let them know how I'm looking at it these days? Maybe Probably.
But accepting gifts from these people might be scary.
My Dad has always had problems --- keeping an open dialogue about issues might be a good thing.
Ooops --- you may have noticed that I dated Joseph Smith originally as "17th Century".
My brain miscalculated.
He's actually 19th Century I'm pretty sure.
It's kind of like an error in the Bananatree games I had where I confused my left and my right. (when explaining was RS and LS do in the game). I know my lefts and my rights, but my brain "miscalculated" when I wrote the instructions down. And thank God, OUYA noticed and told me.
Obviously, yes, my brain or something about me has problems or issues.
It's just weird how in school I went from being a very, very smart student, to being completely incapable of getting right answers in a lot of situations. Something just doesn't work very well in my head I guess. Hopefully, I'll continue to get better.