So:: the church recently asked me to fill out a poll for them --- and in exchange for filling out this poll, they are supposedly going to send me an Amazon gift card.
On this blog, I expressed a leery attitude towards accepting gifts from the church, as my response at first glance.
But then, more recently, I'm remembering for quite a long time I had been hearing delirious thoughts telling me "The Lord has commanded the church to pay you back".
I never said anything about those thoughts appearing in my mind --- but they were there.
I also never really thought the church was going to act on those thoughts.
So::: if the church is going to pay me back for all I did for them (while they previously gave me garbage in return) ------ I guess an Amazon Gift Card is better than nothing ---- but I hardly ever shop at Amazon, so I'd have wished the payment method would have been more negotiable.
Anyway ---- I still don't quite know how much they'll send me ----- but yeah, I'll just mention I was hearing those thoughts, and I wonder if the gift they're supposedly sending me is the fulfillment of those thoughts.
And on a side note:::: I just think about how messed up my life has been.
One of the big problems in my life is that the church would always require me to forgive everything, lest I be held condemned of the automatic greater sin. I was never allowed to rebuke anyone for their misdeeds.
Here's the problem:::: not forgiving is apparently the worst sin you can commit in Mormonism, because I'm not too sure what I actually did so much worse than what I had to put up with in my childhood.
I've heard it from two highly educated individuals on youtube now::: what kids with ADHD really need is discipline. They HAVE to be disciplined in order to figure things out.
so::: my sister has ADD, a type of ADHD ----- There are so many times in my childhood when I really wish we could have just disciplined her, because she misbehaved and never changed ----
but while she's misbehaving and never repenting, all the church says is "You are required to forgive her because for who knows why you are the worst person".
In Mormonism, I am always the worse person every time for some reason, no matter how well or good I tried to behave.
To be honest, my life has been completely messed up because the church wouldn't just let me rebuke people who wrong me. And I always have to be the worst person for some reason.
There's something really really wrong with what I was being raised with.
Anyway --- for a long time I was a full tithe payer, but in return, all I got was crap, essentially, from the church ------
so for a past while I had been hearing thoughts telling me the Lord actually commanded the church to pay me back
but I didn't actually expect anything to happen
but eventually, the church offered me and now owes me an Amazon gift card ----
If it arrives, then we'll see how much they felt they owed me.
Uh --- just as I posted the above post,
I just got an email from BYUtv telling me I'm a VIP.
Kind of like how a while ago they actually invited me to Utah so I could be somehow involved with a series premiere of one of their shows.
Yeah. Huh. The church is now being really nice.
They seriously just told me I'm a VIP in a letter from the church TV station.
Yes --- I recognize a spiritual or magical reality in the church ----- and I was desirous to work for them as a young man.
But things went so wrong.
So, who knows if it's just me.