Friday, March 30, 2018

A memory of my delirium

So:: the church recently asked me to fill out a poll for them --- and in exchange for filling out this poll, they are supposedly going to send me an Amazon gift card.

On this blog, I expressed a leery attitude towards accepting gifts from the church, as my response at first glance.



But then, more recently, I'm remembering for quite a long time I had been hearing delirious thoughts telling me "The Lord has commanded the church to pay you back".


I never said anything about those thoughts appearing in my mind --- but they were there.


I also never really thought the church was going to act on those thoughts.


So::: if the church is going to pay me back for all I did for them (while they previously gave me garbage in return) ------ I guess an Amazon Gift Card is better than nothing ---- but I hardly ever shop at Amazon, so I'd have wished the payment method would have been more negotiable.


Anyway ---- I still don't quite know how much they'll send me ----- but yeah, I'll just mention I was hearing those thoughts, and I wonder if the gift they're supposedly sending me is the fulfillment of those thoughts.


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And on a side note:::: I just think about how messed up my life has been.

One of the big problems in my life is that the church would always require me to forgive everything, lest I be held condemned of the automatic greater sin. I was never allowed to rebuke anyone for their misdeeds.

Here's the problem:::: not forgiving is apparently the worst sin you can commit in Mormonism, because I'm not too sure what I actually did so much worse than what I had to put up with in my childhood.

I've heard it from two highly educated individuals on youtube now::: what kids with ADHD really need is discipline. They HAVE to be disciplined in order to figure things out.

so::: my sister has ADD, a type of ADHD ----- There are so many times in my childhood when I really wish we could have just disciplined her, because she misbehaved and never changed ----

but while she's misbehaving and never repenting, all the church says is "You are required to forgive her because for who knows why you are the worst person".

In Mormonism, I am always the worse person every time for some reason, no matter how well or good I tried to behave.

To be honest, my life has been completely messed up because the church wouldn't just let me rebuke people who wrong me. And I always have to be the worst person for some reason.


There's something really really wrong with what I was being raised with.



Anyway --- for a long time I was a full tithe payer, but in return, all I got was crap, essentially, from the church ------

so for a past while I had been hearing thoughts telling me the Lord actually commanded the church to pay me back

but I didn't actually expect anything to happen

but eventually, the church offered me and now owes me an Amazon gift card ----

If it arrives, then we'll see how much they felt they owed me.


UPDATE::::::

Uh --- just as I posted the above post,

I just got an email from BYUtv telling me I'm a VIP.

Kind of like how a while ago they actually invited me to Utah so I could be somehow involved with a series premiere of one of their shows.

Yeah. Huh. The church is now being really nice.

They seriously just told me I'm a VIP in a letter from the church TV station.

Yes --- I recognize a spiritual or magical reality in the church ----- and I was desirous to work for them as a young man.

But things went so wrong.

So, who knows if it's just me.

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