Saturday, March 31, 2018

They're buttering me up

So:: the church offers me a gift card (still hasn't arrived) --- they offer me work with compensation (which is really something special in the Mormon church) ---- BYUtv said I'm a VIP ------- and now look at two new apostles who were called.

Is my life like a video game or something?

Elder Gong and Elder Soares.

When I wrote my Bananatree games, I had no idea the idea I had for the games could be directly related to a part of supposed Mormon history called "The Sealed Portion of the Book of Mormon".

I still haven't read the whole sealed portion --- but from the small part I have read, wow, I must've been really inspired or something.


SO::: here we have it:::  I wrote the book "The Eagle's Sore" and a game called "Pfhonge" ---- and though these are obviously only lightly relatable to the church ----- somehow they resembled the names of future apostles in the church.


Well, obviously I am feeling a lot friendlier to the church now. Almost wondering how I'd go back ---

I know that my coffee and tea drinking may be a bit off for their tastes however.

At least now I'm more educated::: the church has many problems --- but something is still real about them anyways.

I've been reading in this Easter-season magazine about how the books of the New Testament had every opportunity to not be authentic in the great big time span that occurred between when they were written and when Jesus actually walked the earth.

That is, in fact, a point in the Mormon church's favor.

Only problem is getting the church to figure out and find and teach the actual truth rather than just more nonsense.



I didn't watch much Conference today ---- during the first part of the first session my brain said "This is boring!" and I turned it off. I turned it back on some minutes later though, so I can say my favoirte talk was by the guy who was talking about "countless second chances".


He was basically explaining the requirement to forgive ---- God wants us to have countless second chances so we can continue to improve ourselves until we're finally "perfect".


The one thing I want to say::: D&C 64 screws up because it requires forgiveness of everything::::: the original Jesus doctrine where you get rebuked for mistakes makes more sense.


You need some clarity and direction on how to behave properly so you can be able to improve ---- without the rebuking, nothing changes.


yes --- The requirement to forgive must mean "countless second chances so you can improve" ---- but you will only achieve improvement if you know what's wrong, so therefore rebuking is necessary.


That sounds like a clarification of doctrine.


Unfortunately, like I said in a recent post, all my childhood I was told everything had to be forgiven and no rebuking seemed to be allowed.


Rebuking is actually a necessary part of the process -- as per Luke 17.

I'm so glad this church leader could clear that up.

Without the rebuking, improvement is a lot less likely.


So, yes, in my younger years I wasn't full of knowledge and I didn't know everything --- so in a sense this clarification of doctrine has better explained how the process works.


D&C 64 only illustrates ONE PART of this doctrine. Luke 17 makes more sense in explaining it in total.


So, yeah.



OK ---- obviously I'm feeling a lot better about the church now. Mormons can be really really nice people.


I don't know if I'll ever fully be Mormon again, but just the niceness of the past week has indeed made me feel welcome back.


If I were to go back, the two biggest concerns are readjusting back into that lifestyle, and how they might interpret my drinking of tea and coffee or any sin I might commit.


There are just so many problems in the church --- including people who aren't even really trying to actually do the right thing. That's how I see it.

Friday, March 30, 2018

A memory of my delirium

So:: the church recently asked me to fill out a poll for them --- and in exchange for filling out this poll, they are supposedly going to send me an Amazon gift card.

On this blog, I expressed a leery attitude towards accepting gifts from the church, as my response at first glance.



But then, more recently, I'm remembering for quite a long time I had been hearing delirious thoughts telling me "The Lord has commanded the church to pay you back".


I never said anything about those thoughts appearing in my mind --- but they were there.


I also never really thought the church was going to act on those thoughts.


So::: if the church is going to pay me back for all I did for them (while they previously gave me garbage in return) ------ I guess an Amazon Gift Card is better than nothing ---- but I hardly ever shop at Amazon, so I'd have wished the payment method would have been more negotiable.


Anyway ---- I still don't quite know how much they'll send me ----- but yeah, I'll just mention I was hearing those thoughts, and I wonder if the gift they're supposedly sending me is the fulfillment of those thoughts.


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And on a side note:::: I just think about how messed up my life has been.

One of the big problems in my life is that the church would always require me to forgive everything, lest I be held condemned of the automatic greater sin. I was never allowed to rebuke anyone for their misdeeds.

Here's the problem:::: not forgiving is apparently the worst sin you can commit in Mormonism, because I'm not too sure what I actually did so much worse than what I had to put up with in my childhood.

I've heard it from two highly educated individuals on youtube now::: what kids with ADHD really need is discipline. They HAVE to be disciplined in order to figure things out.

so::: my sister has ADD, a type of ADHD ----- There are so many times in my childhood when I really wish we could have just disciplined her, because she misbehaved and never changed ----

but while she's misbehaving and never repenting, all the church says is "You are required to forgive her because for who knows why you are the worst person".

In Mormonism, I am always the worse person every time for some reason, no matter how well or good I tried to behave.

To be honest, my life has been completely messed up because the church wouldn't just let me rebuke people who wrong me. And I always have to be the worst person for some reason.


There's something really really wrong with what I was being raised with.



Anyway --- for a long time I was a full tithe payer, but in return, all I got was crap, essentially, from the church ------

so for a past while I had been hearing thoughts telling me the Lord actually commanded the church to pay me back

but I didn't actually expect anything to happen

but eventually, the church offered me and now owes me an Amazon gift card ----

If it arrives, then we'll see how much they felt they owed me.


UPDATE::::::

Uh --- just as I posted the above post,

I just got an email from BYUtv telling me I'm a VIP.

Kind of like how a while ago they actually invited me to Utah so I could be somehow involved with a series premiere of one of their shows.

Yeah. Huh. The church is now being really nice.

They seriously just told me I'm a VIP in a letter from the church TV station.

Yes --- I recognize a spiritual or magical reality in the church ----- and I was desirous to work for them as a young man.

But things went so wrong.

So, who knows if it's just me.

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Getting closer to an answer? here are some clues

So:: the bank called back.

I was not available - not near my phone.

I saw the number, and looked it up on Google.

What strange and interesting information did I find?

The bank in question itself had no listing under the number.


BUT::: the search result did come up with

St. Albert Alberta ---- and something about mental health. ----- that was the first response.

and a different bank with Business Credit Life Insurance --------- that was the second important response.



These answers are important.


Guess what is important about St. Albert Alberta? ----- That's where the Lottery is headquartered here in Alberta. If you win a big prize, you either have to mail your ticket or personally visit their office - from what I understand from my research.



OK ------ So as I was writing the above paragraph, the bank returned my call.


Their answer is that the ABMs are not designed to actually print your actual balance on the receipt.

I probably should have asked more questions, seeing as how that does now seem like a really dumb answer --- but hey -- that's what I got.


Basically ---- I am so socially timid that I couldn't help but just accept what the banker told me.


That answer is not totally the best explanation ---- but hey ---- that's what it is::::


The bank machine is actually not designed to show your actual balance on the "Total" line.


So yeah:::

that's it I guess.

The phone number is related to St Albert -- lottery capital of Alberta --- and another bank's business insurance ---------



But that's the answer the bank gave me::: Soctiabank's ABMs are actually not designed to print your actual balance on the receipt.

Actually a very weak response, but I was too timid socially to question further.








I wonder if this will drive me mad

I'm having so many repetitious thoughts on this topic, I wonder if I'm going mad with new information.

I feel such a need to talk about it, so please bear with me while I use my blog to explain the thoughts I've had.


SO:::: in this little episode between late February and late March ---

I've had TWO receipts from the ABM that show a bank balance worth a quite a bit more than I've ever owned in my life. Both these receipts showed similar sized numbers in the balance line.

So::: I talked about that to the bank.

I'm pretty sure all the bank has to do is check their records to see if 2 times the guy in sequence in front of me at the ABM had that kind of balance in HIS/HER account.

If the numbers match --- then there's much less to be worried about ---- it's just someone who keeps a large balance in their chequing who isn't concerned about their privacy is all.

Which is abnormal in today's world because Youtube and new websites have reported that Canadians are often in deep deep debt --- so the chances of this actually being this way don't seem realistic.

So:::: If the guy ahead of me in sequence did not keep that kind of money in HIS?HER account ---- then we have an issue.

What if the bank printed 2 receipts for me?

The first time I saw the big number on the receipt in late February, that was startling enough on it's own --- so much so I wrote at least 2 or 3 emails on the topic to my family and psychiatric community.

As I wondered if the bank had printed me 2 receipts just that first time, I bought a drink from a vending machine, and two drinks came out.

Yup --- one coin (full price) --- two drinks dispensed.  During the period of time when I'm wondering if the bank printed me two receipts on that first occasion.

And this issue became reportable in my mind when I went in late March to the machine, and I got the similar number again.

Those kinds of numbers being printed once is something but it's forgettable --- but when it happens twice, I really have to wonder.


And, of course ------ even if the guy in line ahead of me both times did have that kind of balance ---- that still doesn't explain why my 2nd receipt in this sequence of 3 receipts stated I actually DID have more balance than I actually have listed online.


SO:::: 3 receipts like this is startling enough for me to inform the bank.

Two of those receipts might be easily explained, but if not -- then there's an issue.

And the last receipt is an issue automatically because 20 does not equal 0.

You can see why I'm suspicious right?



And of course --- there's another reason to be suspicions ----- In late February one of the banks in question phoned and asked me if I received a letter from them ------- I still have never received this letter.


This is an issue. Especially as my Dad and I have noticed some of our mail never arrive before in the past 2 years.



Weird ABM, Weird vending machine, missing mail and an expectation on my mind that God told me my money would be paid "any day now" back a couple months earlier.



I will also note that after the initial response from the bank on Twitter on this issue, they responded again to me saying something like "This can't be right!..."



So::::: they did tell me something of a clue that basically says something went wrong.

So yeah. Now this issue has invaded my brain, repeating endlessly ------ and I just feel a need to talk about it, much like I've felt a need to talk about other different issues in the past.

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

My Response to the Church

So:: I filled out the survey the correlation research department of the church sent me.

At the end of the survey, they asked if I would be interested in taking, essentially, a paid position on a more regular basis somehow helping the church.

That might seem so cool that they're still interested in me::: but I know my Dad pretty much has a mental breakdown whenever I talk about religion or Mormonism so a lot for his sake I declined.

And yes --- the Patriarch did tell me I'd witness and perform miracles ---- and yes, the miracles are very much very real.

But upon living longer experience and doing more research ---- wow ---- there are so many problems. Is the church really a good thing?

There are definitely good things about the church --- that is true ----

But in some ways, the storytelling or the doctrine can seem pretty incoherent and confusing. I've had mental disability problems I'm sure over these issues.

SOOO::::: Just a little while before the next General Conference, where there should be two new apostles ---- the church did contact me and basically asked me if I wanted an essentially paid position.

I declined.

The church was remarkable in many ways ----- but I grew very tired of it. There are so many problems. And yes --- I should serve God ---- but, some Mormon doctrines are pretty questionable in the eyes of many ----- so yeah, I didn't feel like manning-up and taking the plunge. I know a lot more now than I did when I was 14 or 17.

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As for something newer in my life that seems kind of out of place::: I mentioned this on my blog before, but now I've taken a picture of the receipt, and I have a screenshot from my banking portal to show that something went weird.

I also printed images like these on Twitter.




So::: in the picture on the left, we see that the balance of my bank account after withdrawal is listed as "20.00".  But in my banking portal we see that after the withdrawal, I had nothing left.

This is probably the biggest evidence for something happening recently.

The other evidence were two receipts that printed similar-to-each-other really big numbers.

I was concerned that I didn't want to take another person's receipt because I didn't quite know what I was looking at ----- but then it happened two times, and the numbers were big enough and similar enough.

Just something weird OK?

The sad thing is, I don't even totally know where the money came from at this point if it is money for me:::: is it the games? is it the books? is it the lottery? is it that Japanese person who wanted to buy me? is it the church even, trying to help me take a job with them?

Who knows.

I'll lastly point out that on the receipt, there's the 20 written beside the "withdraw from chequing" --- that is the amount I took from the bank machine during this transaction.

The 20 beside the "total" is supposed to be the amount left in my account. Of course, the numbers don't match --- so obviously something happened.

So many problems or issues

I'm lonely. I use my blog to write about what's on my mind.

I have problems on my mind. Not all the problems, but some.

So::: The pirating sites essentially report that I've lost at least $10,000CAD to pirating ---- while my sales reports at all my publishers don't say much of anything at all.

There's been some weirdness with the receipt printout at the ABM for the past 3 printouts ---- things don't totally make sense to me about this unless there is more money that the bank owes me than they're completely telling me about.

In my online portals, sales reports show nothing and the bank says I just get AiSH.

While on pirating sites I've lost at least $10,000 and the bank machine says my account has money in it even when it's supposed to be empty.

Hopefully, I'll find out eventually how much I am really worth ---- the government, including the Canada Revenue Agency and my AiSH Generalist, would love to know I'm sure ---- and time is counting down to the tax deadline.

Either the whole (or most of the) world is very dishonest with me, or I might have something to look forward to.

Yeah --- the online banking portal said I had $0.00. The receipt the ABM printed said $20.00.

Clearly, something isn't making sense, something isn't quite right.

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And then there's my thoughts about the church.

There are reasons why religion is not discussed in polite company.

Personally, I have to wonder if Joseph Smith Jr. was just a 19th Century troll when he created his religion. I think he was definitely taking advantage of people's naivety - or something like that.

I would love to discuss some clear points about the book of Mormon ---- but it's not good in polite company. I'll just say here that it looks pretty incoherent actually ---- and you don't even read it all at once so you don't even notice, at least for many years, exactly how incoherent it is.

I was in the church for about 9 years before I was unhappy enough that psychiatrists tried to explain to me not to believe in the organization anymore.

While one of my sisters was a member of the church for like 11 or 12 years, yet remained so clueless that she didn't even actually either know or follow one of the key rules of the church that she should have known and still behaved like she was one of them ----- and even to today, more numerous years later, she's still one of them.


SO: Me::: I took the baptismal covenant seriously and learned everything I could. After 9 years I'm so miserable that psychiatry has to try to get me away from church beliefs.

My sister::: Never really took any of it seriously and obviously didn't really pay attention or actually follow the religion for 11 or 12 years, yet continued to be a complete member and participant.


I am so wishing I could just point out some of the incoherency in The Book of Mormon that I see --- but I'm so used to being censored by my own Dad now that I just feel maybe I shouldn't discuss it in polite company.


Besides censoring myself, that's all I really had to say. Thanks.



UPDATE:::::

Just a moment ago I found an email in my inbox from THE CHURCH CORRELATION RESEARCH DEPARTMENT --- some something like that.

They were actually very kind ----- in exchange for information they were willing to let me have an Amazon Gift Card.

Of course, my Dad, who is not interested in any discussion at all left right and center told me not to respond.

This church department is the only church department allowed to do research on behalf of the church ---- and the incoherency in the book of Mormon I was thinking of this morning might be useful for them to know-----

But seriously. My Dad censors me, even from this official department --- he really is in the "no discussion at all" mindset.

At least the church cares enough not to be bluntly evil at me --- and to even offer a gift.

There must be something said for trying to remain civil when things have been so wrong.


But now ----- do I respond to their questions? Accept the gift card? Or listen to my Dad and keep myself super-super censored?

One part of me might feel a great deal of relief to be able to explain some issues on my mind at this time to the church.

And my Dad has always been very difficult to work with because 95% of the time since 2001 he'll try to automatically shut down discussion of any sort --- even if he himself isn't involved.

OMG ---- probably the biggest issue here is accepting gifts from the church. What are the legalities of such things?

I've heard some scary information previously about what happens if the church might try to give you something.

Do I want to help the church, to let them know how I'm looking at it these days? Maybe Probably.

But accepting gifts from these people might be scary.

My Dad has always had problems --- keeping an open dialogue about issues might be a good thing.


UPDATE::::

Ooops --- you may have noticed that I dated Joseph Smith originally as "17th Century".

My brain miscalculated.

He's actually 19th Century I'm pretty sure.

It's kind of like an error in the Bananatree games I had where I confused my left and my right. (when explaining was RS and LS do in the game). I know my lefts and my rights, but my brain "miscalculated" when I wrote the instructions down. And thank God, OUYA noticed and told me.

Obviously, yes, my brain or something about me has problems or issues.

It's just weird how in school I went from being a very, very smart student, to being completely incapable of getting right answers in a lot of situations. Something just doesn't work very well in my head I guess. Hopefully, I'll continue to get better.

Monday, March 26, 2018

Something is going on

This is actually seeming kind of exciting, but I still have to be on guard.

So:: I talked to the bank.


Then just a little while ago, I found evidence someone might've tried to hack an online account of mine.

Then, I got a phonecall from a phone number that's just one digit off our number --- and it asked for Mr. or Mrs. Attfield.



OMG WTF??????


When I told my Dad - he said there's a one in a million chance that they were that close in the phone number --- so it's even stranger when they are asking for someone from the family.


Right after someone tried to "hack" an online account.


This almost seems or feels like one of those Thriller movies now.



So much weirdness going on.

Sunday, March 25, 2018

The Hidden Reasons I went insane - and stayed insane

So:: by now I have a list of NINETEEN problems I was faced with (usually social problems with others) before I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.

I have an additional list of TWELVE problems that popped up since my diagnosis of schizophrenia.

I am not going to publish these lists.

Why?

Well, some of the issues are so messed up ---- and it gets really messed up when you realize I was living with these issues all at the same time ----

It's not good to discuss in polite company.

Even though the lists are 100% truthful, I imagine there might be legal issues, or even just issues with how my website provider might feel about me publishing such information.

It is completely messed up how I was living before I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Most of it was just how other people would treat me.



If you read The Book of Finch and thought that I am somehow completely wrong for telling a true story::: remember, it wasn't everything I could have said ------ I'm not even going to try to list all the reasons I was driven insane.

You might have more sympathy for me if you realize what I went through in its entirety. Life was completely messed up.



So::: Maybe the Book of Finch is an interesting story, maybe I even made myself look bad ----- but I don't even try to dare to tell you everything that actually happened before I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.


The Book doesn't say everything. The book has a lot of interesting stuff in it, but it's not even the full and complete record.



So::: maybe I made myself appear somehow evil in The Book of Finch.

If you knew how my life really was:::: You might have more sympathy for me.


And the really sad truth is::::: My Mom, before I told her this list, had no idea just how messed up things were for me.


Another problem::: when I told my Mom yesterday's blog post about being printed receipts at the ABM that had consistently much bigger balances than listed online:::: my Mom just dismissed it as the bank machine not working. There's no actual possibility in her mind that maybe I might've earned something.


And to tell the truth, before when I asked her if she'd pray for me to make my million, she said "NO".


My own mom wants me to fail.  How sad is that?


Anyway ------ I really tried to do what I thought was right, but the whole world can be pretty messed up so I guess the best way to put it is everything's "shades of grey".

Saturday, March 24, 2018

To Recap this aspect of the past months

My mind has so much information in it that I can often forget a whole aspect of a current situation, and I need to be reminded of it.

SO::: hopefully I'll be able to remember or remind myself of the following, especially when it comes time to talk to the AiSH Generalist this year.

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Back about December Razer informs me they will sunset the Cortex store. For quite a while, I had been hearing thoughts telling me of my riches. I asked God when I'll finally get paid and He says "any day now".

So, Cortex gets frozen, being sunsetted. At some point, my cell phone gets a call that I am not available for from the local Chinese Consulate (Razer is a Chinese company). They never call back, and I'm just curious and even scared(introverted).

When I withdraw some money from the ABM in late February, the receipt I pick up says there's a balance of quite a bit of money in the account. But, it turns out the amount withdrawn is a different amount -- so this is not the right receipt.

Two possibilities::: there's a rich person who is not concerned with privacy or security who visited the ABM before me, or the bank printed me two receipts.

Then later that Day the Bank phones me to ask me if I received the letter they sent me. I never received it. Still haven't. They remind me of that $10,000 pre-approved Credit Card offer they made to me.

As I am considering this situation, I go to a drink vending machine and put one coin in, the full amount, and select my drink:::: the vending machine dispenses TWO drinks for me.

In March I go to Withdraw the last $20 from my account, bringing my balance down to $0.00. But, the receipt printed says I still have a balance of another $20 in my account, even though online records show my account is empty.

Then today, having been paid by AiSH, I withdraw some money from the ABM ---- and boom ---- same as last month, there's a receipt for a similar amount of money on the balance as in February.

Two months in a row now, I'm picking up a receipt that says a sizable balance for the similar amounts of money. Yes, the amount of money shown on both months' receipts is vaguely close in value to the $10,000 credit offering from the bank.




Basically:::: Either the bank is printing two receipts for me, and letting me know they have something that I don't have access to, or some rich person accesses the ABM two months in a row right before I do and always leaves the receipt and never spends their money and doesn't seem to care about the privacy or security of that much money.



So. Yeah. And in amongst all this happening the Provincial Government announces a video game tax credit and I learn Alberta's Average Game Dev earns $70,000 per year.



So. There you go. I still haven't really been paid, but something really strange has been going on.

1) Hearing voices.
2) Foreign government phones (related to the business).
3) My withdrawal at the ABM gives me a receipt with a large balance.
4) Bank phones, missing letter, big credit card offer.
5) vending machine dispenses two drinks for the price of one.
6) Withdraw from ABM --- account should be empty now but receipt says there's a bit more left ????
7) Get paid by disability, withdraw from ABM again --- again, like point 3, the receipt shows a large balance.


I mean ---- seriously?? What are the odds that this is actually happening?

What are the odds that the bank will eventually pay me?

the odds seem even smaller that this is all just some huge coincidence.


And of course, there's so much information in my head, I have to put this story here or else I'll forget it when I need it.


Maybe I did get paid. Unfortunately, there's not so much info in the OUYA Dev Portal sales reports. Ugh.


I'll also just mention I found some numbers of distribution of my Books' piracy rip-offs ----- I've lost at least $10,000CAD to piracy in that aspect already.

Thursday, March 22, 2018

Big news

Last night Youtube decided to show me some videos about how dangerous psychiatric drugs are and what the better alternative treatments are.

Today as I talked to my Dad about it, I'll note that I get really annoyed with his lack of what I call "objectivity".

I can become pretty agitated when talking to my Dad --- and I'll show you how the structure of the discussion is so you can see what the problem is:


1) I start talking with my Dad about a topic.
2) My Dad asks me a question related to this topic
3) I answer his question
4) Then he says "so why are we discussing this?"
5) at this point I just get annoyed, we were discussing that answer because he asked me about it.


So: yeah. If you ever wonder why my Dad might say I get angry at him::: the above is the perfect example.


He asks me a question, I answer it, and then he's wondering what about or why we're even talking.


It has been basically this impossible to discuss issues with him ever since the problems started in 2001.


Before today's example, my brother pointed out his lack of objectivity revolved around "changing sides" in his discussion----

one minute he was telling me to forgive 70 times 7, and the next minute it's about calling the police---

Dad ----- please don't waffle or change sides in the discussion --- keep it objective.

So yeah, I've found a youtube channel that explains the truth about psychiatry. I would believe this --- this is what I initially suspected all along, and it makes perfect sense to me.

I've been lied to for years.





You know that 7 point list I made earlier about why I would be mentally unstable?


In order to explain the actual problems of that time to my Dad, I had to write the list down for him to look at ------


at which point my memory started working a bit better, and now I have SIXTEEN (16) points of nonsense and incoherency in my life back then that would have driven me insane.

Quite a few of those points are actually directly LDS Church related.



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In other news, Alberta Budget 2018 was released today.

The most meaningful thing to me in this budget is maybe the new tax incentive for video game developers.

But that's just a big maybe:::: I've never actually made money on video games as far as I've been told and who knows if I'll stay in the business.

I learned that the average video game developer in Alberta makes $70,000 per year ------ and somehow there's no or zero numbers showing up for me.

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So yeah, it's just interesting that Google has pointed out the actual truth about psychiatry to me.

I was on this line of thought from the very beginning.

Nobody cared to let me have my freedom or let me think for myself - and I was lied to.

Anyway.

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

ID'd or Mis-ID'd?

Today I talked to my psychiatrist. I told her about Matthew 10:8 --- "Freely ye have received, give freely".

That didn't sound like a plan to her. The idea is I should work for money.

And the injections nurse got excited about my Youtube channel after I told him about how much I would have made if the people who ripped me off had honestly paid me.


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I was eating at the food court in a mall today.

As I was eating I noticed the guy the table over from me ---- he looked like "Black Jesus" from 2002.

He had an iPhone and a bag and was just kind of sitting there.

I realized how closely similar he looked to the guy I met by the train bridge in 2002 --- "is this God?" I am wondering to myself.

Then another guy came to his table.

At this point, I could easily be "fooled" by the darkness of their skin and hair, and think they were just a couple of Syrian refugees...

Except ----- the haircut of the new guy at the table resembled the haircut from the angel in 2004.

He had dark skin and black hair this time ----- but the hairstyle was familiar to an angel I had seen before.

So, either I saw a couple Syrian-refugee-body-doubles, or else Black Jesus and his angel were actually just the table over from me while I was eating in the food court at a mall.


LDS General Conference is this weekend, and tomorrow is Budget Day here in Alberta.

And with my fame, there's something to feel good about at the psychiatric office.

I'm recovering from mental illness::::: so who knows how real or delusional I am about my God or Jesus sightings.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

What's next?

I just a moment ago looked at my most recent and last email from Annie Liability, my version of ballerinagirl.

She was never really certain of why or who was responsible for the decision of how she and I had to end our friendship------

all she had was some vague idea that I wasn't mentally stable at that time.


About my mental stability at that time:::::
She's right, I was starting to lose my mind at that time, and here's some reasons:
1) Grandma's Ghost Sexually Molested Me, making me addicted to sin
2) My Dad is constantly unemployed and there's no money.
3) My brother is a lunatic
4) My sister is trying to drive me crazy
5) My Dad believes someone was vandalizing our transportation and that's driving him crazy
6) The previous bullying at school left a bad taste in my mouth
7) My Mom was screaming at me not to play video games, so now I can't unwind from all my school work.

I'm not even sure if the above list is a full representation of every problem I faced back then ----- but yes, just from telling Ballerinagirl about my life, she must've realized I was not in a good mental condition. And I wasn't.

So:::: She had some justification for leaving me, but only sort of-----

Because she was my friendly emotional support at that time -------

Her parents were SOOO PISSED at me for being friends with her.


So::: what we have here, is mentally unstable me, living in complete hell ----- and for no real explained reason now Annie's parents were getting pissed at me too, taking away my friendly emotional support.

Annie could have helped me keep some kind of mental stability if she was my friend ----- but what her parents did was push me over a cliff.

Things went from bad to so much worse.  Are her parents really justified in how they treated me?

Taking someone who is living in hell and then treating him horribly? I don't know.

Maybe Annie needed to avoid me to keep herself out of my hell ----- but the way her parents treated me pushed me deeper into hell.



<><><><><><><>

Anyway -- so my LDS Patriarchal blessing basically outlines my deal with God where in exchange for exaltation I would serve God for the rest of my life.

The Stake President long ago said someone from my stake would be an apostle.

So:::: Am I going to become an apostle???

Well::::: There's a big problem with me fulfilling my patriarchal blessing, and it's this::::

The church ignored me.

if the millions of church members had paid me for my work, then yeah, then I could get to work and be a church leader if God so chose -----

But, fact is, plain and simple:::: People just didn't pay me for my work, so I can't even go to church on Sundays.

The church, the people who should have provided me with support, just didn't pay me for my work. I can't afford to do church leader things.

There are two vacancies in the apostles which will probably be filled this weekend ----

but fact is I can't even afford to get myself to Salt Lake City.

If the church just wasn't going to support my business, then no, I'm not going to fulfill my patriarchal blessing and be the apostle the patriarch said I'd be.

So why'd the church betray me? Well ---- basically, in all my time with those people, there was usually something completely wrong with how the people operated. And then they can't be criticized for their problems, even though they're supposed to be humble.

But yeah:::: it's a problem when someone decides to treat a mentally unstable person like shit and then the church won't discipline the behavior. And that's just ONE issue.

But hey, I guess the whole church didn't give a shit about me ----- people just wouldn't pay for my work, or donate anything ------ and now I can't afford to fulfill my patriarchal blessing.

Oh well. Somehow the church just turned against me I guess ----- starting with big problems growing up that the church never really fixes and now I'm not even going to be the servant I was supposed to be.

Whatever.

Monday, March 19, 2018

Renewed

So, after writing that post about wanting to de-hypnotize myself - yesterday I was with my Dad driving around, when I felt basically like a microchip had been removed from my brain ---- and the unceasing constant thoughts about Mormonism suddenly stopped.

I've spent the past over a decade of my life having thoughts about that church swirl around in my head repeatedly, like a broken record.

But the thoughts are going away. My head is getting clearer now.

So, yesterday, realizing that I was no longer pre-occupied in my brain about Mormonism, I decided I would try to start retraining my religious self in what is typically considered the actual truer doctrine::: the New Testament.

Matthew 10:8 (I think) says "Freely ye have received, freely ye give".

That scripture really hit me. All this time I've been preoccupied with being paid for work ---- not that my work is actually really worth anything (besides maybe my books).

Though it's true I need money if I want to buy a home or whatever: it's also true that I've been given so much, so it's only moral for me to give back to everyone else.

OK --- So I do give this and that ----- but I guess I'm just realizing (or resigning myself) that getting paid for my work is a hopeless cause --- and that I can, in fact, just feel good about having as much free distribution as I have had, and not condemning it, causing me to hopefully get forgiveness points from Jesus.

Anyway ----- another interesting thing about this idea of freely giving --------

I've been wanting to replace an 10 year old pc for a while, I'm saving money and budgeting ------ and I was originally going to replace it with a new mac mini.

But mac minis are expensive. I could get an alright linux mini pc for a much more decent price.

Well, one of the big reasons I wanted a mac was so I could develop in XCode --- because I learned how to do that.

But just last night I had an idea in my head to check out MonoDevelop in the Linux repositories.

I downloaded, installed, and quickly figured out I have all the knowledge and skills I need to make at least simple applications for Linux using MonoDevelop and C#.

You know that "Guess 3 Characters" game I have on mac? I quickly ported that to Linux just last night.

So::::: Maybe I can save money by buying cheaper linux hardware than expensive mac hardware.

And we all know that Linux Software is typically free.

As long as I can think of projects to work on.

That's all just tentative however, I'll make a final decision eventually. But --- being on disability --- the prospect of getting cheaper new hardware rather than expensive new hardware is compelling.




So, the two major great points of news here are:::

My brain felt like a microchip has been removed and the endless thoughts about the church are slowing down.

And I figured I can now also build Linux Applications, if I ever get any good ideas. Fun.

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Getting De-Hypnotized

So, the Mormon Bishops and Stake Presidents basically hammered this idea into my head that said: "You are required to forgive everyone".

In reality, I found in actual practice the church actually doesn't forgive on many, many occasions.

They require forgiveness, but they don't actually forgive.

So, there was a problem.



Anyway, yesterday I just had what felt like a very therapeutic session discussing this problem and how to get de-hypnotized yesterday with my Dad and Brother.


I really have to thank my brother for being there::: because my Dad will go off on tangents and will flip sides and doesn't keep the discussion objective.


Like, my brother pointed out that my Dad was "flipping sides".


That's because one moment my Dad was advocating that Jesus said "forgive 7 times 70" and the next moment my Dad was saying "You have to call the police".

So Dad::: which is it, am I forgiving 7 times 70 or am I calling the police?

My Dad just seems to have an issue where he can't keep the discussion objective, which is highly apparent when one minute he's advocating one viewpoint, but the next he advocates the opposite.

It's kind of difficult.


When I did a Google Search for "What is forgiveness?" I was pleasantly surprised to find out that most people do NOT require forgiveness in all circumstances.


The Mormon Church required forgiveness of everything,

While with sane person logic, forgiveness is actually supposed to be entirely voluntary and your own choice or decision.



So, I'm basically trying to get de-hypnotized from thinking that I always have to forgive everything.

And then I have to start thinking and deciding for myself what I will forgive and what I will not.




So yeah: there you go: The church always said they always required forgiveness, but in actual practice, they weren't really ever forgiving.



And it's actually scary to think that to actually be like Jesus, then you would be destroying people for their wickedness::::: which means the church changed the definition of forgiveness so that word basically doesn't really actually mean anything useful at all.





There's one sad thing though::::


I try to say good and happy things so that life will be good and happy. It's the law of attraction.


This morning I was sitting next to my Mom at the breakfast table and I said, "Life's good".

She responded, grumpily, "No, life's not good".


So, something is wrong. Hopefully, I can keep myself in a good position, and maybe even help lift her out of whatever is bothering her.




Now, finally, I will just say that the philosophy of NOT FORGIVING people is designed to instill repentance in the population so that people will actually try to do good things and will be disciplined to do things the right way, or generally just to be well behaved.


Always forgiving everything does not encourage good behavior.

By not always forgiving, there is discipline and people will feel more encouraged to behave in a righteous manner.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

I can feel pressure in my brain like I might be crazy

So:::

I've been writing emails about what I discovered about LDS Church doctrine.

And I'm not allowed to talk with the females of my family about this discovery. My Dad warns me not to, and when I started to introduce the topic to my mom she just didn't want to hear it.

I have a real, real simple way of exposing the LDS Mormon "Impossible Gospel".

But I know there's enough friction in my own home on this topic that I'm not even sure I should just say it on my blog.

Fact is:::: Knowing what I know, knowing how simple the facts are, but then not being able to tell my family and having my family live in ignorance of the basic facts might drive me a bit crazy.

I'm living with a secret that shouldn't be secret.

My Dad doesn't want me to tell, and my Mom doesn't want to know.

And yet I possess some simple truths.


OK:::: Even if this is "volatile" information, I will print it here, just so you can know how the Mormon Gospel is actually IMPOSSIBLE.

What does the gospel teach?

1) Be like God.

Any or most Mormons should know about this.

2) D&C 1:31 ------ "For I the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance;"

In The Book of Mormon, Jesus destroys entire cities for their wickedness when he visits America.

3) D&C 64 -------- You are required to forgive all men.

A teaching constantly taught by LDS Bishops and Stake Presidents.



So:::: yeah:::: the gospel is in fact impossible. The only thing that makes sense about this gospel is that they changed the definition of "forgiveness" ------ but the word "forgive" in Mormonism doesn't mean the same thing now as it did when I was a kid ---- there were at least two different changes at two different times to the definition.

It's that simple.




Want to know something else interesting?

Just a day or two ago, as I looked up these scriptures on scriptures.lds.org ------ the search worked just fine, easy to access and I found what I was looking for.

As I was writing this blog post, looking for these scriptures on the same website ------ suddenly the process has become more convoluted and difficult --- the search process is not so easy anymore.

All in this short time frame where I basically tell some people in private messages about how the Impossible Gospel works (or doesn't work).


So yeah. There you go.

My Dad censors me and my Mom doesn't want to hear it.

The gospel is literally impossible to actually live, under standard English word definitions.

And in a very short period of time, scriptures.lds.org changed their searching mechanism so now it's not so easy to do searches for keywords ---- the process is a lot more convoluted and less helpful now.


Oh yeah ------ and knowing these simple points, yet supposedly not being able to fully discuss them with my family ----- I might go crazy with that.


I guess I just have to find some way of moving on, and trying to stay sane.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

The Power of saying "Sorry"

So either my troubled sister reads my blog, or one of the personal messages I sent her brother-in-law or our other sister I sent about our troubled childhood may have came to the attention of my troubled sister ---- because I talked to her today and.....

Turns out she was actually ashamed of the problems she was having as a kid.

I can already feel the healing power of those words ---- admission of knowing how wrong things were ---- that is actually a good thing to do.


The big reason I say this is for a long time I was just really frustrated by my sister --- the behavior went on and on for a long time ---- and I would basically be some form of embittered about her.

But now that she's finally told me that she was ashamed of herself, I am actually feeling better with what basically amounts to an apology.

Some might say an apology is just words, but it does actually have an impact on how my soul feels about the situation. I go from embittered to knowing that she wants to get better.

And that's good.

And then we talked about focusing on good and healthy things.





So:::: A little while ago, probably about the time I was concerned about mail not arriving like it should ---- I noticed my Mom received a letter from People.  The return address was just "People" --- with a star there.

It was a bit odd because my Mom has pretty much had little to no involvement with that magazine all the days I've been alive.

People magazine was never a big deal for us ---- we'd basically see it at the stores, but never really thought about it.

But they wrote to my Mom.

And then today, I discovered my Mom had a copy of a recent People magazine.

So, I asked her what the letter was about ------ she wouldn't tell me.

And she also said the magazine doesn't really interest her that much.

So ---- yes ---- my Mom receives a letter from People magazine, never really was interested, still isn't much interested -------- and happens to buy a copy of the publication.

Just. yeah. They sent her a letter.

Odd.

But hey ----- who knows what's going on ----- a year or two or three ago I know my Mom received a letter that tacitly asked her for a $100,000 donation to their charity on the cover of the envelope.

Yes --- that is also odd ----- if we actually had that kind of money, I mean, wow. So who knows what's actually going on. But that charity letter was years ago.

And today my bank account is empty ---- never seen thousands of dollars, but am aware of a decent amount of distribution of ripoffs.

yeah. Just odd mail.

Monday, March 12, 2018

How to bit a bit more like God

You know how your bishop will constantly tell you D&C 64: "You are required to forgive all men"?

But then they tell you God needs you to REPENT BEFORE you get forgiven by God?

Mormons = required to forgive everything.

God = repent before he forgives you.

This might seem strange, but the method God uses is the same method described in Luke 17. Jesus lays out a process:::

"If a man offend you, rebuke him, and if he repents, then forgive him".

D&C 64:

"You are are required to forgive all men".


Obvoiusly, these are two different ways of doing things.

So, if you were actually like God, you would put D&C 64 aside. Don't even pay attention to D&C 64 if you are actually like God.


The problem is:::::: Your LDS Bishop will ALWAYS bring up D&C 64 if you have a complaint.

Or at least, any time I thought I could take someone to law over something, the church was always telling me I was required to forgive.


Problem is:::: They make this threat that if I don't forgive then I am always the worst person.

?????

What exactly did I do so wrong anyway?


They always threaten me with the greater condemnation ---- but I've never really understood what I did to deserve that.

The biggest sin is to not forgive itself is all I understood.


So, to be like God::: You would just follow Luke 17 like any sane Christian would.


D&C 64 is used to guilt trip and abuse young mormon men by telling them they'll never get any justice and that they are always the worst person no matter how bad the crime in question was.


I always wanted to follow Luke 17 ----- but my LDS Mormon Bishop would never let me, always citing some greater condemantion that they never specify exactly what I did wrong beside the lack of forgiveness itself.


Anyway.


Follow Luke 17. Rebuke offences. If they repent, then forgive them. Decent philosophy.

D&C 64 is just for the abuse and guilt trip. There is no justice with this scripture.

Luke 17::: The offender will likely start to behave themselves.

D&C 64::: Nothing compels the offender to behave, you get no justice, and you are always the worse person.

Luke 17::: God's way

D&C 64::: What Mormons tell you to do even if you achieve some level of godliness in your life.


Anyway. yeah, I thought this topic required it's own new post.

Interests

Today I spoke to my police officer brother in law.

Remember how my sisters told me to be crazy, and then didn't care about the logic of how right or wrong that was and continued being Mormons anyway and attending the temple?

I didn't talk directly to my sister or her husband about that ------

But he told me that he's not much of a scriptorian (< is that a word only Mormons use?) and how most of God and Religion is to him is basically a vague idea or reminder to be a good person.

Well, if that's what he likes, then that's what he likes, I'm not going to try to interfere with that.

He has his interests, and it was just me who delved deeper into the studies.

Mostly, my Dad gives me very, very heavy warnings, and basically is trying to hypnotize me, not to discuss religion outside of our household --- and not even with my Mom.

My Dad is in my mind, reminding me "don't say anything about this stuff".

It's not a secret what I know ----- but it's "volatile" information, and basically I just try to keep my Dad happy by not talking to Mormons about their own church.

It's kind of crazy how you want to set them free, but at that point, anything could happen.

So, I just TRY to follow my Dad's advice.

It kind of kills me, to see my family not fully understand what they're involved with. But my Dad looms over me, censoring my mouth.



I am very much understanding of many things many prominent atheists have said ---- there is obviously something very wrong with man's concepts of God and many religions ----------


But I am NOT an atheist. Somehow, I actually managed to learn truthfully for myself that there really is something greater in our world or the universe.


I would love to talk about how I know this ----- but at that point people might accuse me of flaunting unrealistic claims and I'd probably be relegated to the "nonsense" section in many people's minds.


The church said I'd witness miracles --- miracles have happened ------ but there are so many problems when dealing with people about it --- especially with other Mormons.


There is just so much evidence for God in my opinion. I could make claims, people might just take issue with those claims though.


I wrote "The Book of Finch" ----- the first reviewer said I was crazy.

In a sense I am crazy ----- but I am closer to sane than you might think IMO.  It's actually the church that was crazy --- and I was just being raised in and brainwashed with the church.

Everyone has their own opinion.

I know what I know.



yeah ---- basically if I tell the truth, history says people will just argue with me about my experiences.

If I try to sell a book, I'll just be told I'm crazy even if I was telling the truth ----- and then I won't even get paid.



On a side note-----  I looked for my books online again, looking for ebook downloads ------ these days there is no legitimate way to download any ebook of my books -------- only paperbacks -------

But the information I found about how much distribution I've apparently had said I would have quite a wad of cash if people honestly paid me.


For a disability recipient in Canada:::: I'd be rich if people actually honestly paid me for my work. Just looking at how many people apparently ripped me off.

Thing is:::::: I now know I can expect that most people just will not pay -------- and my LDS upbringing hammered it into my head to "forgive everyone".

Truth is, forgiving someone in Mormonism isn't what you think it is,

but I don't like the way Mormons do things, so I'll just feel good about how many people were interested in my work, and I'll hopefully not condemn.

I realize I can never expect to get paid. At least I can say I tried.


The thing about living in a world where people just aren't paying for my work----- I have no desire to start a family.  I can't afford it, and the world is too dishonest for me to want my children to live in it. It's best not to put them through that pain. I know this world can suck ---- and my children will easily end up saying "I wish I was never born" ----- so, I'm thinking I'll preemptively grant that wish.

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Looking at my history with a new modern interpretation

One of the stories I left out of The Book of Finch was how one day in probably late 2000 or early 2001 while Annie was still my friend --- My mom got all completely evil about how I was playing a video game on Sunday.

Apparently, church leaders had instructed her to become EXTREMELY angry at doing such things.

Just playing a game. On Sunday. completely wrong.

So, that just told me "Well, I doubt I'm going to get my mother the greater condemnation for being evil-levels of angry"

So, combined with how my mom was so pissed off and it was totally legitimate, I combined that with the Bible Scripture that says "If a man is angry with his brother without reason he shall be in danger of the judgment".

I combined my Mom's exampled anger with how you need a reason and BOOM ----

I told my friend Annie about this interpretation of Christianity where you can be angry, just as long as there was a reason for it.

So, for no reason explained at all, eventually, Annie's parents got all angry at me and said we weren't allowed to be friends anymore.

So::: My mom had a reason to be angry. I thought this was supposed to be allowed.

Then::: Annie's Mom and had got all pissed off but there was NO EXPLANATION why.

I thought her parents should be excommunicated for this, but when the bishop came back to me he said that the government of the church did not agree that they should be punished.

Fast forward to 2018 and now the new definition of forgiveness is just "DO NOT BLAME".

So, now, under the exact wording of the definition on LDS.org ---- there is no restriction on anger or punishment when you forgive. There is no mention of anger or punishment in the definition.

The key teaching Jesus supposedly taught was just to never BLAME anyone for anything.

So though Annie's parents were pissed off as hell at me, there never was any reason why mentioned, they never blamed me for anything. Forgiveness now has nothing to do with Anger or Punishment----

So under the new Mormon definition of Forgiveness, Annie Liability's parents technically forgave me.


Rather than "If you are angry with your brother without reason you are in danger of the judgment"

rather than that, the real scripture was apparently supposed to be: "You can be pissed off and angry as hell at your brother AS LONG AS THERE IS NO REASON FOR IT".

Yeah, Mormonism.

The actual truth was apparently the exact opposite of what the Bible said. Wonderful.

Now nothing makes sense.

But yeah --- if that's the definition of Forgiveness in this church, then really there's nothing to condemn Annie's parents about and the Bible and previous definitions of "Forgive" were completely misleading.


I know the real definition of "forgive" is to pardon or excuse an offense or crime from punishment, while the victim does not feel angry,


but Mormons will be Mormons, so they believe as long as you don't blame anyone for anything, you are good.


So there you go. By 2018 there was a new definition of forgiveness, a new way to know how the bible is wrong, and the Church leaders were "legit" in how they wouldn't pass judgment against unreasoning anger.

There you go.

Friday, March 9, 2018

Pretty much a contradiction

You know how Mormons are trying to become like God?

They say "I'm trying to be like Jesus" ---- and they believe, as I think the Book of Mormon says, that Jesus is "one" with his father. And we are trying to be like them.


Well, the Mormons like to say "God cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance".

God hates sin.  He does not allow it in any way shape or form.


But what does the Mormon church tell us that we HAVE to do, that we are REQUIRED to do?

"Forgive all men. Be long-suffering and slow to anger".

?????


If we're trying to be like God ---- then why are the instructions of the church that you are REQUIRED to follow the exact opposite of how GOD would behave????


If I was like Jesus, I would forgive and not forgive the same people Jesus forgives and doesn't forgive.


But despite telling us to be like Jesus, they then turn around and say we are required to forgive EVERYONE.


That' NOT how you become like Jesus! You don't tell us to become like God and then tell us we are required to do things that GOD WOULD NOT DO.


God DOES NOT ALLOW SIN.


SO WHY ARE WE TOLD TO FORGIVE ALL MEN AND BE SLOW TO ANGER AND LONGSUFFERING???

How can you never allow any sin, yet always be so forgiving??? It's not logical. It's just plain stupid.



Anyway ------


These thoughts are, again, developed from my experience of being told to be the Lord's Servant --- and a Servant does what he's told ----- and I was ACTUALLY TOLD to be crazy.


And although I was actually TOLD to be crazy ---- they then started complaining about me being crazy when I did become crazy.


Something is completely wrong.


You got what you wanted --- and now you're complaining about it????


But, in the end, it does kind of make sense that I would be crazy ---- because the Church I was brainwashed to believe in as the absolute truth, well, it was actually just a complete lie.


If we believe in something completely dishonest -- then yes, that is "crazy".


But, the real unfortunate thing is that me, my schizophrenic brother and father are the only members of the immediate family who realize the church isn't really true.


My Sisters, who wanted me to be crazy, still haven't figured out the actual truth.


It doesn't even make sense that they'd want their miracle-working older brother to be insane, and then continue being Mormons and going to the temple as if the church actually is the truth ---- it doesn't make any sense, but that's what they've done.


It only makes sense to tell the miracle worker he's crazy if the belief system seems wrong somehow. Yet --- they were telling me I'm crazy and then they don't even realize for years anything about any of the problems, and they still go to the temple.


It's not logical.


It's weird how I was told that I was schizophrenic ---- but after years of hearing me talking about my decision-making process, the nurse finally determined that there was "a method to my madness".

I was actually trying to figure things out, logically. And I was the schizophrenic one.


While my sisters are considered mentally healthy, but their decisions and actions are actually seeming to be quite senseless and unexplainable.


Yeah, it's just weird how that is.


I could go through and logically reason about many decisions I made --- which only just proved the Church to be dishonest in the end.


And though I can clearly see the church is not really true ---- and though my Sisters wanted their miracle-working older brother to be insane --- somehow they don't realize how wrong their beliefs really are. They don't seem to care about actual truth or logic.


Anyway.

The biggest point of this post is the Doctrinal issue between trying to be like God, but then being told to be different from God. It's so dumb.



UPDATE:::::

https://www.lds.org/topics/forgiveness?lang=eng

The above URL is what I discovered about how the LDS Mormon church NOW defines "forgiveness".

In all my time as a Mormon, this is the first time I've seen this definition used.

When I was young, they did not use the same definition.

The definition basically says "To forgive is divine. When you forgive you excuse or pardon a person from being blamed for a sin".

SO:::: You can never blame anyone for anything in Mormonism.

That either means EVERYONE goes to heaven -----

or it means that though you are not to blame for what happened, you will still be punished for it.

In a world where we cannot determine blame, that means there is no reason for anything.

If you blame someone, you will burn in hell worse than they will.

You have no blame for anything that ever happened in your life, but God will still judge you for --- for what exactly????

Anyway ---- I know the church punishes people who they do not blame.

I don't blame you, but you are still going to hell for this.

Or else, everyone goes to heaven and only people who lay blame go to hell.

It doesn't make any sense. I still like a more "regular Christianity" interpretation of what Jesus said, that excludes D&C 64. The real world's definition of "forgiveness" is, more or less, pardon or excuse and offense, which means you do not get punished for what you did.

There is a slight difference between the real definition and the Mormon definition.

The real definition::: You are pardoned or excused so you are not punished.

The Mormon definition::: You are pardoned or excused so you are not blamed.



They also say that Forgiveness is a DIVINE attribute.


So a God who cannot look upon sin with any allowance also doesn't blame anyone for anything.

I don't blame you for doing that, but I do not allow what you did. ???

Yes ---- that does seem to point to a world where you are never to blame, but you are always punished for who knows what.


I just don't understand.

The Mormon doctrine still seems heavily unreasonable.

It's saying that you can never hold anyone accountable for their actions (despite being accountable at the age of 8) so if you get punished for something, it's not your fault but you still have to suffer for whatever it was that happened ---- which is still just plain wrong anyway.


NOTE:::::

Upon further thinking about the new Mormon definition of Forgiveness ----

I am realizing that this is quite a "sensible" way for Mormons to define their word.

It doesn't fully make sense, because though you are accountable at the age of 8 --- you are never actually accountable for anything you do with this new definition,

but it's the best they could do with the scriptures they have, I guess.

It may be completely debatable how good or useful this definition may ever be combined with any doctrines any church may ever have (especially the LDS church doctrine).

Yes ---- though it may make sense to just not blame a person for anything they ever do of their own free will --------


WHY tell an 8-year-old he's accountable if he's never to blame for anything he does?


It still doesn't make sense.


The worst sin you can now commit in Mormonism is to blame someone for their own actions.

Typically, in the real world --- you would blame someone for something that person did. They did it, they get the blame. More or less.


But now it's wrong to find a reason for anything happening, there are no reasons, nobody is accountable for anything they do.


But yeah, I just wonder how you can tell an 8 year old he's accountable for his own actions when in fact he is never to blame by God's divine decree for anything he does.


It still doesn't really make sense.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

This is Weird - and Law of Attraction Related

The Law of Attraction teaches the concept that if you think about something, it will or could appear very shortly in your life.


After writing yesterday's blog post about my sisters and their friends causing my mental illness, the name of one of the girls from church appeared in my head.


For the past long while, the only church members I've had contact with are my Mom, my Sisters, their families, and my Dad's few friends who still remain in the church.


Anyway, the girl whose name appeared in my head was younger than me, she's probably at least in her mid to late 20s now --- and her older sister was one of the few girls in my age group at church.


I have no idea why she appeared in my mind --- all I know is that the appearance of her name in my mind was followed by thoughts of - Cheese Omelets???


So, just on impulse, I asked my Dad to show me how to make Cheese Omelets ---- and I learned.


I thought the thoughts, yesterday, "My Dad and I have made a couple Cheese Omelets" --- the responding thought was "YOU BETTER NOT HAVE!!!"


It was weird.  The next day, today, I made a cheese omelet for lunch, to test my training.


Then my Mom and Dad decided to take my brother and me to the mall, so we can walk around and get exercise (which is the thing to do while the weather cold here in Canada).


As we were walking into the mall ----- guess who appeared right in front of us, and my Dad recognized this person???


The father of the girl I had heard the name of in my mind yesterday was right there, he was leaving, we were going in.


I mean ---- it was only some thoughts magically appearing of her name, cheese omelets ----- and boom, the next day her Dad is right there at the mall ------ I haven't seen him for a very long time.


The Father either works for or used to work for, the Calgary Philharmonic Orchestra.


Anyway, just telling the story ----- it's weird how her name just magically shows up in my mind (and she wasn't even a close friend of my sisters) and the next day her Dad appears ---- which never happens for the past, pretty much, 10 years.


Just so strange. I'm wondering now how cheese omelets got involved.


But yeah ---- that's exactly the sort of thing The Law of Attraction says could happen. You think of someone, and then that person will suddenly show up.

Strange indeed.


I'm not even entirely sure exactly why her name appeared in my head. It just did --- and she wasn't even at that party 17 years ago that I just mentioned yesterday.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

The Law of Attraction and my Insanity

So:::: if the Law of Attraction is a universal constant, and my LDS Patriarchal blessing said that I would have an especially blessed mind::: then why did I go insane?


Less than a month after receiving my LDS/Mormon patriarchal blessing, which states that I would perform miracles, have an especially blessed mind, and hear the voice of the holy ghost ------

less than a month after receiving that blessing, my sisters had their friends over at our house for a party. (a party for the girls).

At this party, my sisters and their friends declared their intention of driving me insane. They deliberately intended and declared this intention, for me to suffer from severe mental illness. They yelled this annoying chant at me repeatedly, I can't remember exactly what it was --- but it was meant to cause mental illness in me.

So, just a few months later, school began again, and BOOM --- yeah, apparently I went crazy.

My sisters obviously didn't care that I was a very good student. They wanted me to be mentally ill.


I was supposed to be a servant to the Lord all my Days ----- and if my family is asking for me to be mentally ill ------

The Law of Attraction basically says "you get what you ask for".


It was actually my Sisters and their Friends who wanted me to be mentally ill. You get what you ask for. You made your bed, now lie in it.


Previously I was one of the best students at school. I was so good at math, the previous school year I had been asked to participate in a special math activity only for the top students.

But my sisters obviously just didn't care that I was really smart and a good student ----- they thought me being severely mentally ill would be more appropriate.


It's too bad ---- but that's just how things went.

You get what you ask for. My sisters wanted me to be ill.  It's stupid --- but that's what happened.

Thursday, March 1, 2018

The Clues

There are so many clues.

Last year the bank offered me a $15,000 RSP Loan ---- this would be unreasonable unless I had a very big income.

The bank offered me a mortgage of at least $250,000 ---- being on AiSH, this is also not reasonable.

This year the bank pre-approved me for a $10,000 credit card.


How is this possible for a guy who only makes $19k from disability each year?


I did try working ---- but evidence suggests that mail has gone missing over time, and no big cheques have arrived but that doesn't mean any weren't sent.


Maybe it's only understandable that mail would get lost ----- it's unfortunate, but my Dad, for at least the past 2 years now, seems to get at least one or two packages per day in the mail. He's always ordering stuff ---- and it keeps on coming every day -----


which is weird because he doesn't have much income and basically lives by mooching off me, my brother and my mom.


He denies that he has money that I earned.


Why would the banks offer this debt-load to me when my income is so modest? Is there something I'm not fully aware of?


The truth is, there really may be more than meets the eye here.

For example::


Last week I made a withdrawal at the ABM.

Either the person who was at the ABM before me didn't bother with their receipt, or the bank printed me two receipts.

Consider these three options for this receipt:

1) Someone just made a cash advance on their credit card and has a lot of debt. I would just question why someone, especially with that much debt, would make an expensive cash advance.

2) Someone has a big balance, but they were careless with their privacy and for some reason keep a lot of money in their chequing account.   Not exactly secure or smart accounting here.

3) What if the bank printed me two receipts, and this first receipt I picked up actually gave me some hint of a rumored yet hidden RDSP? What if the money I earned from my publications is being stashed in an RDSP --- and the bank only just now printed me a receipt to show me the wealth in store?

Fact is::: the balance on that receipt was pretty big, so either it's something along the lines of being my RDSP ----- or someone else has a tonne of debt or is careless about the security of their funds.


The major reason I can suspect it was "my RDSP" was because the amount of withdrawal listed on the receipt was the same amount that I had my maximum withdrawal limit set to at an old bank I used to bank at but not anymore.



The banks offer all kinds of debt ---- and my income is only modest. It doesn't quite add up or make sense.


But then you can consider how it seems some mail goes missing.


And how my Dad is always receiving packages daily despite living off pure mooching ---


And how the bank might've actually shown me a "secret" account by printing for me two receipts when I was at the ABM last week ------- the only other explanation for that receipt is someone else is very careless with their finances.


It's just weird. Sales reports don't say much ---- yet the banks seem to think I'm rich and my moocher Dad always has packages arriving.


Hopefully, this will make sense someday.