Tuesday, February 27, 2018

It's as if this might be expected

Yesterday I received my monthly AiSH Health Benefits Card in the mail.

Along with the health benefits card, as there always is, there was a message from AiSH. This one said something a bit different than normal.

Here's a quotation:

"... a T5007 Statement of benefit slip was mailed to you starting in mid-February ... If you don't receive your T5007 ... please call ..."

In this message from AiSH, it definitely seems like they might be expecting that mail will go missing. Maybe it's actually a more normal or more common occurrence for mail to just not arrive.

I did get my T5007 the same day this message arrived ---- but it's just interesting to note how it looks like the AiSH office was expecting that the form in the mail might go missing. I feel validated in my complaint that the bank sent me a letter that never arrived --- and who knows if I was ever sent a cheque that never arrived.

I don't feel angry, I just feel resigned to realizing that getting paid for work is VERY difficult ---- and personally I feel inclined to just give up ------ but when I mentioned my inclination to give up, my Dad tried to tell me that I should find something else or something different to do --- he is encouraging me to work, to not just give up.

But I really do feel like I could give up --- at least for a while.


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This morning, as I was having my morning coffee, my mind was bothered by thoughts of the church again.

TWO main things bothered my mind: 1) of course that same old forgiveness issue, but also

2) I had a Mormon friend who didn't seem to actually believe in Ghosts or Angels --- and yet she was also seemingly immune to excommunication. It's weird --- this is a church that will excommunicate people for apostasy at the drop of a hat, but this old friend expressed a lack of belief in a core church belief ---- and yet she was immune to excommunication.

While I'm always punished for anything big or small in a church that says they always forgive.


Yes --- it just doesn't make sense, it wrecks my mind trying to think about it or understand it.

Anyway, that's all I have to say for now --- the main point of this post was what AiSH said.

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Being Upset

I deleted the previous blog post "Being so Happy" because a post about my happiness is almost pointless while that bad dream I had is useless to talk about if there was a good way to interpret it.


What I'm going to write about now is this:


Two days ago I believe I wrote a post about how my mail sometimes just doesn't arrive. My Dad, I've learned, has had this problem too:::: sometimes he orders things that just never arrive.


This is a pretty serious problem when the bank tells you they've sent a letter --- yet the letter never comes, as has happened in my case.


My delirious/telepathic mind has started hearing ire begin to rage on this topic ---- like someone is really upset.


Yesterday I was feeling very happy ------ but this morning, however this psychological magic works --- I am feeling very bugged by this, on the verge of angry.



I did all that work. I'm sitting here for years, wondering where all the money went.


And now that it's absolutely clear that my mail sometimes just doesn't arrive ----- I really have to wonder if I might've ever been sent a cheque that didn't just show up.


My heart is not happy at this moment. My delirious telepathy thoughts are expressing more negativity.


Yes ---- my emotions have soured ---- just knowing I've been waiting all this time when the actual truth is that we've verified a problem with receiving mail.


It's making me feel sick. Maybe I should take a paliperidone tablet. Yes - maybe I should.


Anyway, the point of this message is::::


To say I am mentally and emotionally disturbed at how mail doesn't seem to arrive like it should.

I did all that work. Waited so long wondering what was going on. And it turns out we aren't even getting all our mail.

Makes me sick.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Is this good news or questionable news?

So::: I've been going all this time bellyaching about the dearth of reported sales ----- all that work without income.

But ---- well, maybe things just aren't as they seem. You never know.


Today my bank phoned me. They sent me a letter that I never received in my letterbox.

That news, combined with how two years ago two packages I ordered on eBay never arrived -----

I guess I can safely start suspecting mail fraud or theft or something.


The bank also let me have another bit of information:::: either this information was intended for someone else, someone else who is rich but obviously doesn't know how to manage their accounts or money --------


or the bank might've (maybe) told me a little something that says I did get paid. And they let me have some idea of how much. But I'm not even sure this is true because of how sketchy the source of information was.


Either I did get paid and the bank is keeping it safe --- even from me --- or someone else out there has a big bank account with questionable tactics on how they manage their money.


Basically::: either no smart, sane person would do what I saw (as far as I know smartness and sanity to go) ----- or the bank let me in on a little secret.  Just maybe.


It's possible I did get paid. Just super-hush-hush about the details.

It's so hush-hush though, that I'm not even sure if I should believe myself about this, and I don't have access to the money anyway.


It might all just be a screw-up or misunderstanding or something.


But who knows:::: maybe that balance I saw was my RDSP's balance. Who knows.  A secret hidden RDSP that my parents don't know about which my nurse hinted at, but details are not forthcoming --- except for maybe the little clue I might've seen today.


Either it was a clue for me --- or some rich person is clueless about how they manage their money.


If this information wasn't mine ----- then I find it a bit odd that someone would be that lax with that much money's security.


Anyway, yeah.


This post is basically just to try to avoid blaming people for not paying me:::: because I saw potential information that might indicate that I might've been paid --- it's just real hush-hush. I guess.

Monday, February 19, 2018

A Sort of Game

Today, I developed a sort of simple game for iOS.

I've been thinking about releasing this simple game on the App Store ---- but I feel very anxious or nervous about the idea, like butterflies in my stomach.

And apparently, it costs $99 to publish on the App Store for a year. I don't even have $99CAD (much less USD) readily available at this moment to do such a thing ----

And if history is correct, then people wouldn't pay me for my game anyway.

So what's the point?



I made a game that I (me) would want to play on my iPhone.

But there are no guarantees anyone else would go for it --- which makes this a very expensive simple game.

Maybe I should just give up --- or wait until I have other projects to release at the same time.


If people just aren't going to pay me for my work --- then there's not much point.


My alienation from my church and old schoolmates might cause people who would've known me personally to dislike me -- and this reduces my chances of selling successfully.


I don't think I need to go into detail in this blog post about why I'm so alienated from communities that I grew up with ---- it's enough to say that FFCA schoolmates were trying to hypnotize me to do very bad things, while the church always told me to forgive everything, but then they wouldn't forgive me for pretty much anything, small or large. The Book of Finch doesn't even go fully into detail on this topic.


Anyway ---- when the communities that raised me treat me so badly and therefore alienation: I'm not likely to sell much product, so I'm wondering what the point of trying is. Especially as history shows that people just won't pay me for my past products either.


It's disappointing --- I'd love to build games and apps and all that ----- but the society I grew up in was pretty dysfunctional and people are so stingy I'm not even worth $0.99. It's difficult to be in business with that going on.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Discover Store Returns and an email

Yesterday I logged into Cortex and realized/noticed that the "Discover" part of the store has returned!! I was so happy. I downloaded a free game.

And this morning I woke up, checked my email, and found an email about language localization for the video game industry.

I then looked at the bottom of the email --- the message came from China.

Cortex doesn't allow new updates, and right now I'm not sure about publishing on any other system anytime soon.

All my games are just in English, except for Pfhonge, which I believe also has a Spanish version as well as a Chinese version (built into the game). Translated using Google Translate.




There was something else I think I wanted to write about on my blog as of last night --- but now I'm not sure I remember what it is.

I could mention that, related to the last post, that my old psychiatric nurse once told me that I should have an RDSP ----- so who knows if a secret RDSP that my parents don't even know about is the third option for where my money might go. You never know.



And yay ---- I get to get my battery replaced on my phone soon. Hopefully today. Not really important news for this blog.


I'm trying to think if I have anything really important to share that I forgot about. But I can't think of it.


Happy Valentine's Day.

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Super Junk

I'm writing this blog post on a PC that is about 10 years old - it came with Windows Vista - it now runs Linux Mint, it has 2gigabytes of RAM and a graphics processor from the early days of Intel doing video processors.

It's functional --- but I'm listening to Spotify as I write this post -- and the difficulty the machine experiences can be noticed.

As well: the old graphics just will not run more intense graphical packages -- including the Cool Retro Terminal.



I'm basically thinking about getting a new machine ---- should I replace this with the same kind of Intel NUC I use for my home server? That would be cheap ---- and Linux isn't a bad operating system -------- but I also have my eye on the Mac Minis.


The current model of Mac mini, though, is 4 years old. And it's more expensive. Without Flash in my storage, I know it's going to be pretty slow.


And I have to budget to survive and save.


Yesterday there was a legitimate bank who let me know they are willing to lend me $10,000CAD at Super-Junk interest rates.


The only good reason one should borrow money is if one is buying something that will help them make more money in the future. I learned that from a book.


So::: I have things I could do with that money with some slight hope of generating an income ----


But history tells me that people are just unwilling to vote with their wallets.


If people do vote with their wallets ---- they weren't really voting for me.


Yes ---- a bank lending to me would be risky (hence the super-junk rate) because history says people don't care to pay me for things.


People have taken thousands upon thousands of downloads from copies of my files ---- people did take my stuff, I did achieve a level of "virality" ------


but if people don't pay, I don't see why I should risk going into debt to do work that people won't pay me for.


We all know how wrong slavery is right?


So it just seems strange when I'm not being paid even the smallest prices for my efforts.



I know I said I wouldn't condemn ----- but I'm saying this to show my reasoning for why I'm not likely to try much harder in the future.


People know slavery is wrong::: so what's wrong with paying me 99cents for my work?


You vote with your wallet::: and people just weren't voting for me.


I just have to budget to survive and save. And the economy of my work stagnates.



ADDITIONAL:::::


As an afterthought, I've tried to think of explanations as to why it's so hard to get paid.

The thing is though:::: some "memories" I seem to have might be more "delusion" than "memory".


What I mean by that is there are some things which I concretely remember, and I'm pretty sure it really happened.


But my mind has some vague idea in it that long ago I might've pledged my earnings to some cause.


The problem is::::: I can think of possible causes my money would be pledged to, but I can't decide WHICH ONE would really be the real cause the money goes to ---- or if this is even really the case at all. It might all be delusional.


Like, it's possible, according to some vague level of thought, that I might've offered Avril Lavigne all my profits for her foundation. But I don't really remember - so I don't know if this is true. But --- I was in love with Avril enough that this is the sort of thing I might've been willing to do.


Problem is:::


I'm not sure about the above supposition because I also wonder if I agreed to give all my profits to the Alberta Government.

I don't have a clear memory of this either ---- but what if during my state of mental impairment as I was signing up for AiSH that I might've agreed to give my profits to the government?


Problem is:::: I'm not sure if Avril's Foundation took it, or if the Government would have taken it ----- or if all of this is one big piece of nonsense floating around in my mind remnant from a time I felt socialism was necessary to survive for a  family as messed up as my own?


It's a problem:::: I am considered mentally ill:::: but which is it, am I having memory problems, or am I suffering from a delusion?


My brain is being very vague as it tries to come up with explanations for why it's so hard to get paid.


Anyway --- who knows.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Feeling Validated

I am feeling so validated in just letting the phone go to voicemail every time unless I recognize the number.

The amount absolute-crap scam messages are astounding. So many messages that should just be completely ignored.

A week or two ago my Dad got an email that claimed to be from The Canada Revenue Agency saying they were giving him money ---- this was a phishing scam.

But it's just getting ---- so dumb ---- when now we get a phone call from the "CRA" accusing us of tax fraud.


I mean ---- wow ----- these scammers just don't know when to shut up, stop bothering people, and go home.



I mean ----- it really is just getting stupid when one week the CRA is sending us money and the next week we're being accused of tax fraud.


Holy crap.


I'm just dumbfounded at how dumb this stuff gets.


Anyway ------ part of this message is saying that so many messages can easily be ignored and it's ok because there is A LOT of crap out there -----

while pointing out how dumb it gets when two different scam messages completely contradict each other.

OMG.  It's just plain stupid.


Why can't we just be left in peace?

Sunday, February 4, 2018

Life is so much - reality is strange.

I can completely understand why someone with a non-magical background would or might think me to be schizophrenic:::: cuz basically my experiences can be so strange, it doesn't logically make sense in a non-magical reality.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm already dead, and I've gone to a sort of heaven.

In my last post, I talk about forgiveness.

Today when I was at the mall, I don't know how this happened but as I was walking in the mall suddenly there were two men in front of me, walking with their backs facing me, and they had very religious Christian messages printed on their shirts ----- the two men sounded like they were "latin" or "latinos".

But that was just kind of strange, because you usually never see people like that here, and they only appeared right after a religiously based kind of blog post I made.



The reason I learned about and donate to Plan Canada is this:::: I initially learned about Plan Canada from a visit to my front door ----- From Avril Lavigne or her body double.

Yes --- it's that strange, but I donate to Plan Canada and first learned about them because of an "Avril" who visited me once long ago.

And now the nurse who is engaged in my treatment at the psychiatric hospital is ALSO an Avril Lavigne body double.


And it gets weirder with Ghosts, Angels, and Jesus who I have also seen over the years.


To an atheist::: I am completely out of my mind.


But there are certain realities which I experience which are too magical and real for me to consider "just brain dysfunction".


Either there is some Godly or magical truth about reality --- Or we somehow live in "a computer simulation". That's how weird reality seems.



And then, with all my "fame" ---- there's all the social contact I receive from people which all seems like too much for an introvert like me to handle.

I get all these emails from supposedly interested women.

I get all these emails from this Japanese person who wanted to buy and own me for lots of money --- but there are so many emails and Apple doesn't have an easy translation method like Google would have ------

I got that phone call from the French people that my Dad didn't give me because I don't speak French ----


We get all these scam phone calls, so we're often just screening calls and even end up blocking numbers ------




I have lots of memories of all kinds of great memories throughout my mind, and just remembering these things are a journey in themselves --- much less keeping up to date with the current world-----



And today, while playing Battlefront II on my PS4 ----- the end game stats said I only made 1 (one) kill in an entire battle. I'm scratching my head about that wondering "really?" ---- but my memory is good enough to know that my one kill actually saved the day for my team and we won the battle handily ---- because my one kill protected a defense point which we held until the end of the battle, winning the game.

Like:::: in the past several battles I played, I'm always ranked LAST on the team for some reason.


And for no reason moments ago, as I was writing this blog post, boxes outside my room just knocked themselves over, with no one touching them or going near them.


I could say more about my experiences, but I think I've said enough for now.




Reality is too strange.


All the social contact can feel like too much to handle.


And I'm having way too much fun just with memories and wondering why my stats are consistently so bad in this video game even though I basically saved the day for my team.





and I should mention that though the LDS church is so questionable in so many ways, it seems so wrong ---- my memories indicate that they were the beginning of the magic in my life.


It's just weird how an organization that seems so wrong could have been, basically, the source of my magic in life. So weird.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

My Reasoning

It would really make my day if everyone just suddenly decided to be honest and actually pay me for my books.

But, I also decided that when people steal from me or whatever, that I would rather claim forgiveness points from Jesus rather than condemning and seeking after the root of all evil (money).

Mostly, I fail to prosecute people stealing from me because I want to exemplify what forgiveness actually is.

I do this because having grown up in LDS Mormonism, I don't think the church of my childhood had any idea what "forgive" actually means. "Forgive" and "forgiveness" are not even defined in the LDS Bible Dictionary!

And I forgive the people who steal from me, trying to exemplify the true meaning of the word, because the LDS Church would always require forgiveness of everyone for everything.


But here's the point of breaking away:


I DO NOT ACTUALLY BELIEVE FORGIVENESS FOR EVERYTHING IS NECESSARY.


All my life growing up I was always told to forgive everyone of everything as per D&C 64. I tried to obey that rule.


I believe that was a mistake.



Some behaviors are SO WRONG that they SHOULD BE DEALT WITH.


Sometimes people just do things that are so wrong that it is actually a detriment to just turn a blind eye to their actions.


I do actually believe in punishing people for serious offenses.




The Mormons would always demand "forgiveness" of everything, but I learned they don't even know what that word means and their doctrine on the topic doesn't totally make sense either.


I fail to prosecute people who steal from me because I want to exemplify the true meaning of the word, as well as collect forgiveness points from Jesus.



But in all honesty, having grown up with quite a few problems in my community::: I actually DO NOT BELIEVE that EVERYTHING is required to be forgiven.



There were good things about the LDS Church, but often enough, in the end, it just becomes lunacy.