Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Looking Back and Wondering ???

So::

Today I received a phonecall ---- I hate telephone calls ----- and the subject of the call fits pretty good into the world of scams, so I blocked the number.

Emotionally::: I sensed some pretty good clean emotions for a while, but just a moment ago I sensed emotional pain ------ so I have to wonder if I just blocked something that was actually legitimate. Again, I apologize for not being so business savvy.

Looking back, here's a list of things that have happened in the past while:

1) Received email inviting me to publish in new upcoming game store ULTRA.

2) Money appears in one of my accounts, and then disappears.

3) Scotia iTrade have a banana statue image on their front page.

4) I found a note in my bedroom about "a person" ---- no details on what to do about that though.

5) My copy of The Miracle of Forgiveness book was either switched out by a stealthy person or the words on the page magically just changed.

6) There's today's phonecall from a supposed investment company.


Am I forgetting something? I've also been cleaning up my personal living and work areas. And playing more games with my family. And I'm getting better at playing Jingle Bells on guitar.


Oh --- and there was a family incident, which shall remain private ---- but yes this incident also borders on the paranormal in a way.


Well, it definitely looks like something could really be going on and it might be good and important ---- so I'm sorry for hurting the feelings if they were actually legitimate.

I just hate telephones.

I have no problem receiving email. I can even chat on Facebook if you talk to me on Facebook.

You could probably even leave a comment on this blog.


But a mysterious telephone call that sounds like it borders on scammy? Not much interested.



So:::: I might just not be very business savvy. Maybe there really is something important going on --- and I may have hurt feelings by blocking a phone number. I just have to be really careful. And I don't like telephones very much.



I'm sure there's all kinds of things I could do with my life, with my abilities and talents ---- but part of my problem is that I'm not very social. It's hard for me to want to talk to people. I can talk to people in my little social circle fine. But I just have some kind of psychological problem where talking to the strangers on the phone doesn't interest me.



But --- if you send an email, leave a comment on this blog --- or if you contact me on Facebook or maybe even Twitter ----- then I will probably be more interested in seeing what you say.



Of course, I did recently get contacted on Twitter ----- but again, that just looked pretty scammy.


So:: this blog post is looking back, seeing that there's been a bunch of interesting action in recent time, and wondering if it is actually for real.


Also letting you guys know that I really just do not like the telephone. There's too much crap that goes around. I am very suspicious.


I could probably even handle contact on Twitter ----- but the one tweet someone sent me recently didn't look legitimate.

Received a Phonecall

A little while ago my Dad reported to me that some investment company was calling on the phone for me.

Whether they want my money or want to give me money, I already have every idea that I'm not interested in talking.

Besides which --- I looked their number up online and the information I found said they were a scam.



From 34 years of life, I've learned that I cannot trust kids at school, that I cannot trust my church, that I can't even necessarily trust my own family, and that healthcare also has problems sometimes -----


and when I try to sell a product, turns out I can't trust the vast majority of society to actually pay me either.


In fact, I'm just so leary of people in general, that I'm really not interested in talking to really anyone outside of my pre-existing social circles. In this sense --- yes I am disabled --- but it's a protection I have to put up because of how badly I'd get repeatedly burned in the past.


So::: when I already know I'm probably not interested, and I have some idea that very few people really are trustworthy, and then I look up the number online and the information says this phone number is a scam who shouldn't be talked to----

Yeah, I'm going to BLOCK that number.


I'm not interested in being owned by anyone. if you want to see me succeed in my business --- then try actually paying for my products or donating bitcoin to my bitcoin address. It's not hard. And no --- I'm not for sale.


And if you think I have a lot to offer as an investor, then you really haven't been reading my blog.


Look, I don't need any great deal of investment or anything, I can live my life fine the way it is ----- if you want to kickstart me or support my business, I've already stated where you can go.


I'm not for sale. I'm not even a corporation.

Sunday, November 18, 2018

I found a note

In the long tradition of things magically going missing, things magically being there that we didn't know where they came from ---- and so on and so forth,

I was cleaning my bedroom some more today ---- and I found a note.


I have absolutely no idea where this came from or why it was in my bedroom.

I do not know who's writing it is. I do not have a pad of paper in my bedroom for this kind of paper. But this paper and this writing somehow happens to be here.


The note has a name on it, I don't know the person, it has a profession, it has what looks like a medical condition, and it has a length of time on it.


So:::: why is this in my room and what am I supposed to do about it?


Am I supposed to somehow pray or use magical energies of some kind to help this person or something?


Don't tell me I'm actually supposed to track this person down ---- that wouldn't make sense and is probably not really legal.


I don't know. It's a note from who knows where written by who knows who about something I have no idea about. And it just happened to be in my bedroom. Huh.


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Before I turned on my Mac Mini to write this blog post, I thought of a calculation I wanted to do. I figured my Apple IIc was the best place to do the work.

I actually found that I could do calculations in the millions. Much bigger numbers than 16-bit numbers. Very interesting and very cool --- although there's probably an explanation for that.

I think Apple II is so awesome I kind of wish the product would be brought back for modern mass consumption again ---- although I'm not sure if people would actually be interested anymore considering all the stuff we have now.


It's just this::: Macs and PCs are good and fine, but for some use cases, all you really need is an Apple II. I'm sure a TI-Graphing Calculator might make sense as a replacement for Apple II ---- but sometimes just want to have that full-sized keyboard instead of a handheld device. And a bigger screen.



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So, considering how I'm finding pretty much "plentiful" amounts of clothing my size in the store now ---- I'm planning on buying more clothing, hanging it up on my wardrobe ---- and now that I'm stocked with clothing my size I'll now be able to take more of my older smaller clothing to the thrift store now. Not really important to mention, but I want to say it because this aspect of life is exciting to me.

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

I'm Feeling Very Lucky

In my last post, I said there was a giant banana statue in a promotional picture in an email from my brokerage.

I will now say that if you go to www.scotiaitrade.com that they have the promotion with the image on their front page ---- a big yellow banana right there, with the two children playing.

Huh.

Oh ----- and they let me know what kind of money you need to take advantage of their promotion:: anywhere between $10,000 and $1,000,000 is required. For the brokerage promotion with the big banana statue. Too rich for me.



I think it was on Monday I felt an urgent need to go to the mall as soon as possible, withdraw all the money from my savings account, and invest it in the Bitcoin ATM.


I felt so uncomfortable waiting for my Dad to start his day --- because I do not drive and I would need his help to get to the destination.


I told my Dad "I don't know if it's a prompting from the Holy Ghost or what --- but do you know how it feels to feel an urgent need to go somewhere but my driver is taking 5 hours to get his day started?"


Anyway --- my Dad got dressed faster ------- he intended on getting an oil change anyway ------- we got there. The oil change company was full that day ----- no hope for my Dad to get that service done.


I walked into another part of the mall and withdrew all my savings.  Then, I went to the bitcoin ATM.


The ATM could not connect with the server it used.


So ----- I had all this money in my wallet, and one of the big reasons the economic system of the beast should be avoided was the reason I was unable to do the transaction I intended.



So:::: I was out of luck ----- I felt a huge urge to get that day started, and neither goal was completed ----- and I thought it was maybe the Holy Ghost talking to me! What gives?



Well, all I accomplished was to empty my savings so I couldn't earn any more interest on that account.



Anyway --- the next day my Dad and I went to a different mall. This time he was able to get his oil changed quickly.


While the oil was being changed, I went shopping in a store, looking for items of interest to me.


Anyway ---- the amazing thing is this:::: I FOUND A JACKET THAT ACTUALLY FITS ME!


For years, ever since I was in my teens, I have NEVER REALLY been able to find clothes my size in retail stores.


There was never any point for me to go shopping because retail stores NEVER had anything that would fit me!  And this was since my childhood! I've been going over 14 years not being able to shop retail because usually there's nothing that fits me.


I figured I had to always buy clothes online for the longest time ---- and even then it would be trial and error, to find out what really fits me.


Anyway ----- the short of it is I actually found a jacket that actually fits me. And it was a good price too.


So today I decided to go shopping again ---- and lo and behold I found two shirts and another jacket that ACTUALLY FIT ME!


I mean! Wow!! THIS NEVER HAPPENS. I had just taken a pile of money out of the bank, and now that I've gone exploring some stores ---- I'm finding clothes that are actually pretty much FOR ME!


Anyway ---- so at first it was unclear why I felt such an urgent need to go to the mall, because we didn't accomplish anything except withdraw a whole bunch of cash --------

and in the following days I found there were actually items in the stores that I could actually spend my money on!




Anyway ----- and there's one more story.




For quite a while I've been mentioning this Law of Attraction concept where you are supposed to imagine checks coming in the mail rather than bills --- this is supposed to attract money.




Well, I woke up this morning, I checked my accounts on my iPad ------ and I found a bonus $360 in one of my accounts that came from I-don't-know-where.


This is the stort of thing I remember hearing about years ago on Christian television where they'd tell people to order some holy water and money will start magically appearing.


I didn't order any holy water, but yeah, I was surprised to see unexpected money in one of my accounts.


I was thinking::: If this is not a bank error (though I didn't know from where the money came) ---- then with this money, plus with my credit card, and money marked for savings next month --- I should be able to buy a new mac mini with pretty decent specifications.



But, as is to be expected when money shows up in an account and you don't know why, later in the day when I checked the same account::: the money vanished ----- nothing there anymore ----- it must've been a bank error.



Anyway ------ I'm just having lots to feel good about now.



It is really quite beautiful for me to now start finding clothes that fit me in retail stores.



And lastly, I was able to clean up one of my desks a lot ---- so now the space in our home looks a lot nicer. I threw out old paper receipts and junk --- I decluttered. So that's also nice but only worth a footnote worth of mentioning.

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

The Games We Play

The thing that really sparked me to write this blog post is this:

I just got an email for a special offer from my brokerage. This is normal enough for this service to do ---- except in the promotional picture they included with the email, well, there's a picture of two children playing with each other ----- and for "absolutely no" reason there's a big giant either digital or lego BANANA between the two children.

Oh, I am so proud of myself.

Yeah --- that was just kind of funny, one of the regular to-be-expected promotional emails, and the promotional image just has this big giant banana in there. Right. :)



Anyway:::: now for some more interesting stuff to mention but didn't really feel like until the above information came:::


SO:::: in the past month, I decided to buy a square folding table.


This now means that the 4 of us who live in this home are now able to play board and card games with each other. We weren't able to do that in this house for many years actually, largely because of how busy the schedules were and how my Dad has loads of clutter sitting all over the "permanent" surfaces.


Anyway:::: in the past few days we've played 3 different games.


And I just have to say it's absolutely remarkable how, apparently, well my brother is recovering from his illness.


In the first card game we played ---- well, he really impressed ----- and did not lose.


In the second card game we played ----- he won.



And when we played Scrabble, with 4 players, he and I tied for first place with 115 points each.



I just have to say ------ it is really, really remarkable how much he's come back to life from his problems in these games.



Can I attribute his recovery to The Law of Attraction?


Probably:::::


I like to think of him as a "good and smart student" ----- he and I were both good and smart students ----- and I make this clear to people when I explain some aspects of our lives.



Yeah ----- he and I were good and smart students, and the reason we were brought down is because our sister wasn't nice to us.


My sister, essentially, whether she knew it or not, used the Law of Attraction to put us both in the mental hospital.


I'm just thinking back to what it was like before the illness set in ---- he and I were good students, and we were only brought down because of mistreatment.



SO::::: I think possibly going back in my rememberings to when he and I were both smart --- that might be making us smart again.

Friday, November 9, 2018

I've Ported 2 of my Games to Mac

Facing a potential opportunity, having been invited, to sell my games in a new upcoming game store - I read in the Whitepaper for this game store that this is supposed to be for PC (rather than a console).

I just have to hope they are also compatible with Mac. I only have one (1) Windows PC in this house ---- and I never use it.

If they are compatible with Mac, then I could do everything on Mac, and then just do bits of testing on my Mom's PC.

If Windows is absolutely required, then that may be a reason why my interest in this was only 'tentative'.



Anyway ----- Though I can probably do some more work to make the games "more appealing" on a Computer Platform, I have managed to port Air Defence and Blaine Bananatree to work with a gamepad controller on Mac.


So, I have some work to do for a bit here. Hopefully, everything will be fine. The games work, the next tweaks would pretty much be cosmetic.



My number one, my biggest, concern for bringing my games to a new game store is the potential that something will break with Unity 3D v4 on a newer version of any operating system.


Unity 3D v4 is great -- it works --- it's all I need for my games (so far).


It would be a real pity if I had to upgrade my version of the Unity Engine, again, for fears that something might break.


All in all, I have an excuse to save up for the new cheap Mac Mini now.


Remember: Donations are welcome. If you read my books::: I don't get told that I get paid so it would be really nice if you would repent and leave me some bitcoin in a donation so I can turn that bitcoin into an Apple Store Gift Card and use it to help buy a new machine.




The really amazing thing is I actually felt encouraged, I felt the wherewithal to actually sit down on my games again and make them work on a system other than OUYA and Cortex.

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Introducing ULTRA

Today I received an email.

I have been invited to publish my games again.

There's a new upcoming platform which hopes to break into the gaming market.

It is called ULTRA.

The website is found at ultra.io.



Basically:::: this is a new way of trying to make the gaming industry profitable for everyone. Nothing wrong with a little competition. I'm up for that.


So, as long as these guys support their platform on macOS ---- then there is looking like a high probability that the Bananatree games will return.


I signed up for the mailing list a moment ago. I hope that worked OK (after signing up for the mailing list I was wondering if the transaction worked or not --- but I was afraid to press the Submit button again).



So, I've stated tentative intentions of getting involved with this system. Let's hope I can get a Unity 3d version 4 game series to port over to this.



I am realizing that if or rather when I jump into this that I might want to have a new mac mini at that point ---- so it's possible that I might have to buy a very low-end mac mini ---- the 3.6ghz 4 core model with only 128gb of SSD.


I say that because for the sake of my game development going on ---- I might want to keep my 2012 mac mini running an older operating system, just in case.

It would be too bad if I updated the OS on this 2012 mac only to find it doesn't work very well with important software.

It's good to have legacy hardware.

So yeah:::: just a chance that I'll be saving for a few months and then buy a lesser machine than I really would have wanted. But it's possible I will do this -- for the sake of running the latest software while keeping a legacy machine that I can use just in case.

This is one reason why the Mac mini model is so important --- it's mini, so it's easy to keep in storage --- it takes less space.

Sunday, November 4, 2018

Did a Google Search for "fake me"

I had an idea this evening.

What if I did a Google Search for my name ---- except this time my name with a different email address server attached to it?

like: krisattfield@alternate-email-server.com


Yeah - I did. Not my actual email address though.



There wasn't much information.


Some of the things you'd expect in a search for me, such as a page from this website.


Someone apparently made a project called "The Eagle's Rook and the Pirate Games" and my name got mentioned somehow on the page.



And then there was the absolute PLETHORA of Avril Lavigne photos or pictures.


Like::: Someone set up TWO Pinterest pages basically all about Avril Lavigne ---- and somehow my name was connected, even if I couldn't find it on the page.



So yeah. I don't collect tonnes of pictures of Avril personally.



So:::: How did that happen? Someone knew of her and I and somehow a google search for "fake me" results heavily in her. Huh



Anyway -------



One of the biggest initial reasons I wrote The Book of Finch was so I could raise money to basically be a closer friend to her.


It is basically impossible for me to get married on AiSH Disability Benefits alone. especially when I wrote The Book of Finch.



So:::::::: all these years later, I'm finally out of debt, have a little savings---------- but not nearly enough to buy a car and learn to drive. Not enough for a plane ticket. Maybe enough for a concert ticket.



So:: yeah::: it seemed logical that if I was going to date Avril that I'd need to be as financially free as she is --- because for the previous years nobody wanted a guy like me to be close to her --- so maybe a similar economic status might help.


Unfortunately, I spent years paying off the debt I accrued from publishing and advertising ----- and people just didn't pay me.


SO:::: I just spent years trying to raise money to pursue a relationship with someone who apparently seemed to want me ----------


Only to find that people were unable or unwilling to pay me for my products.


So I spent years just surviving, and paying off debt.



It's been 8 years since The Book of Finch.



I'm pretty sure the book has had pretty decent distribution.



And yet most or all of that distribution seems to have been maybe piracy because I don't get paid.



I try to explain the lack of funding I receive ------ but in the end, I just didn't make the money I needed.



I try to speculate on what happened to whatever I should have earned.


My favorite answer is maybe my earnings were diverted to The Alberta Government, or maybe the Avril Lavigne Foundation somehow acquired what I earned.



There's always the possibility that no one would pay ----- regardless of how I try to make my reality seem like everyone would do the right thing ------ it's possible that people don't have money. I realize that too. (but to have an internet connection and no money? Huh).


Anyway. Yeah.



Whoever created these Pinterest pages:::: It's obviously no secret my involvement with Avril.



And yet very few people paid me for my work. So I can't raise the money I need to learn to drive or buy a car or just be in an economically similar situation as her.



Anyway ---- by the year 2010 it was looking like I might have actually had some chance of actually being with her ----- except I didn't have the cash to actually do anything.


hence writing books and trying to do things to make money.


And then nobody paid.


So huh.



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On a side note, I realize some of the information in The Book of Finch might come as a complete shock to some people, especially really naive Latter Day Saints.


Well:::: Today YOUTUBE showed me a video to explain the Biblical version of the Doctrine that explains a same or similar topic I discuss in my book.


That doctrine, though mentioned right there in The Book of Mormon and even The Bible ----- may have been completely hidden from all the Latter Day Saints I knew for as long as I was there.


And then my book. And the shock.


But it was always right there, in The Book of Mormon and The Bible ----- it might seem like a complete shock that this is the truth, but hey I was only reading the scripture for myself and living my life.


And I realize that no one else at church seemed to realize the doctrine.  They all seemed to believe the opposite of the actual doctrine for some reason.


Anyway:::: I realize it may seem like a complete shock what I said in my book on a certain topic, but that was all 100% Book of Mormon based----- and now I've found the exact same information is in the Book of Hosea according to Youtube.


So, don't sweat it, that's just the way things are. And I know::: I'm apparently wrong to take a position for or against either. Just live with it.

Friday, November 2, 2018

This is getting weird (Forgiveness Stuff)

I previously made a Youtube video that touched on a topic discussed in The Miracle of Forgiveness by Spencer W Kimball.

Today I was looking at my copy of the book in what I thought was the same section of the text.

Either:

a) Someone very sneakily took my copy of the book and replaced it with a different edition

or

b) The words of what the book says have actually magically just changed right on the page.

It is so weird.



Years ago I was reading in the book and I found information that really got me going all hysterical because of how the bishop previously contradicted the teaching -----


and now, today, in the supposedly same section of the book the book now says something completely different and even goes in a different direction.


It really is like someone switched out my copy for a different edition.


ANYWAY:::::

In this copy of the book I was looking at today, it didn't take long, just looking at "random" pages to find a complete contradiction in the doctrine::::

On a certain page in the book (I can't remember which) it says REPENTANCE IS NECESSARY IN ORDER TO BE FORGIVEN.

If you flip to another page of the book, it says YOU MUST FORGIVE REGARDLESS OF IF THEY REPENT OR NOT.

It's a decently thick book, so it's just interesting that it gives the viewpoint of the sinner and the victim in two different parts and teaches two completely different concepts that don't even really agree with each other realistically.

One basically always requires repentance or else no forgiveness.

The other one always requires forgiveness, even without repentance.

Maybe I can't quite explain the conundrum here in words, but if you have a logical mind you should be able to see that something isn't making sense.

It would have been nice of Kimball had put those two teachings ON THE SAME PAGE. Even: In the same paragraph.

That might've helped clarify the church for some people.



ALSO::::

SO::::

Historically, church leaders would always quote D&C 64.

Recently, the church released a new resource on dealing with abuse, especially with forgiveness issues.

In D&C 64, you are ordered to always forgive everyone, and if not then Jesus will punish you severely.

In the new online resource, the church is now saying you will need basically help from, and approval from, Jesus in order to forgive.



SO::::: Way back, the church would just force you to forgive things or else you get severely punished.


Now they are saying that you literally need Jesus Christ himself to help walk you through the forgiveness process step by step IF the matter is even going to be forgiven.


The old way::: Just do it::: Just forgive all men or else you face consequences.

The new way::: Forgiveness is ONLY possible with the help and approval of Jesus Christ.



Again, if you have the right kind of mind, you should be able to see a giant gap between these two different doctrines being taught by the supposedly same church in different time periods.


Basically, in the old way, it was "on you" to always forgive, and the Lord would be vindictive if you didn't.


In the new way, it's "on Jesus" to approve forgiveness and to help you forgive because apparently, you aren't able to forgive of your own will and power now anymore.



it's just interesting::: In the old way, you might really question "Should this really just be forgiven? I mean, it seems so wrong, maybe the perp should face consequences" but then the church would just require you to let it go or else you face severe penalty.


In the new way:::: The church finally realizes that sometimes something can be so wrong that you might actually need Jesus' help or even just Jesus' Sovereign approval for something to be forgiven as if you didn't already realize that years ago under the D&C 64 rules.



Anyway:::: A complete change in doctrine.


My brother looks at the new information as basically BS, even if it looks more palatable, it obviously isn't actually accurate and this is how I'd explain that opinion:::

We have just been forgiving everything for years, under THREAT from the Lord.

Why on earth did it suddenly just become so important for Jesus himself to be involved in helping you to forgive?


We didn't need Jesus to "help" us do it back then, so, therefore, it's not necessarily true that we absolutely need Jesus' help to do it in today's world.


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And the final thing I want to touch on::::


THE DEFINITION OF FORGIVENESS.



I think everyone or society as a whole, especially in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, is very confused about what the word "forgive" even means and how it works and what it's for.


There's what Jesus said in the bible. That should be clear in what it says. You should be able to interpret what the Bible says to get an understanding of what is meant by that word.



But then Joseph Smith changed the doctrine surrounding that word, and because the definition doesn't make practical sense to be applied to the word in the new doctrine, apparently we also had to change the definition of the word.


There are basically two parties as I see it:::


There's the

1) Emotional Party.

To this group, forgiveness is some kind of gift you give yourself so you can feel good again. It's all about feelings to these people, just to remove any bad feelings about anything bad that may ever have happened.

2) The Brass Tax Party

To this group, forgiveness is more than just an emotional process you do to make yourself feel better::: This group actually tries to make forgiveness LITERALLY MEANINGFUL by applying a definition of the word that says:::: "If I remove your penalty for your offense, then by the grace of God the penalties I face will be removed from my offenses". This group believes that by NOT PUNISHING a person you forgive, that they themselves will not be punished for their own wrongdoing. Basically: If I won't punish/condemn you, then God won't punish/condemn me.


NOTE:::: The Brass Tax definition works best purely in a BIBLICAL sense with the PROPER DOCTRINE applied to it.


What is the PROPER DOCTRINE?

I will point out that in THE BIBLE that GOD/JESUS does NOT REQUIRE forgiveness in every circumstance. He never did.

Only in the new Joseph Smith/D&C 64 context does The Brass Tax policy not make any sense anymore, and you basically have to redefine the word in the Purely Emotional way, apparently.



So, yeah::: it's all just kind of confusing, all the voices saying this and that about the Forgiveness topic.

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Concerning Information

This blog post will have two parts: part 1 is my concern for my Dad's mental health, and part 2 is my concern for anything The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has ever taught.


1) I learned this evening, after verbally spending hours discussing new information on the church --- that the reason my Dad doesn't like hearing me discuss the issues is because it basically gives him a headache. Every time.

Growing up, I was one of the smartest kids in school. I worked as hard as I had to to get the grades. And I remember as I was studying to learn the Java programming language (by myself from a book) that this is where I could initially feel signs of my brain wearing out and shutting down.

I had gone through so much work, and had taken such a beating, that my brain was shutting down to the point of hearing loud angry voices in the back of the head --- soon to get diagnosed with schizophrenia.

The only subject that my Dad was really good at in school was Math. He could barely get through English class.

I, however, was a top student and was much more well-rounded.

To be honest:::: To me I'm just wondering if my Dad's mind hasn't expanded yet to the point of being able to handle all the information I present. And I wonder if he actually tried to get a grasp of the information if he'd have a mental breakdown too.

I have some memory that it's possible that a person's brain is just physically incapable of handling the information they are given or about how it feels to have a brain that's shutting down.

Anyway ---- EVERYONE in the house is perfectly capable of understanding me as I go on for hours about new church information and ways of looking at it ----- but my Dad gets headaches every time and appears to be unable to handle the amount of information. Somehow, I just wonder if he is somehow physically incapable (in his mind) and might have a breakdown about it.

I wonder if Paliperidone would help him. It's possible, I guess, that my brain was able to recover as well as it has, perhaps somehow due to the psychiatric drug I take. Or maybe it's the magic words I repeat to make myself smart.

Whatever the case is::: My Dad has always had a big problem with me examining the issues, and he says it gives him a headache ---- except he's the ONLY person in the family who has this problem. My brother and mother are able to listen to me wonder about the issues and they provide some social or emotional comfort and help me feel that someone is listening.

My Dad has rarely been able to give the social or emotional substance and is largely unable to handle pretty much any discussion on the issues.

Anyway. I just wonder if his mind isn't big enough yet. Or if he's going to have a breakdown.





2) Upon testing my browsers with the new update of macOS --- I ended up looking at the LDS.org church website today.

The LDS.org church website says they have a new resource ----- a website designed to deal with the topic of abuse. This is a very important topic, because as I am well aware, and as the church says the UN (or some part of the UN) is well aware ------- abuse is a very prominent and widespread issue.

So::: the church says they and The Lord CONDEMN ALL abuse.

So, I was thinking, if they condemn all abuse::: then what about D&C 64 when it says we are REQUIRED to FORGIVE ALL men?

I got a little confused ---- I'm not sure I've understood something, so I looked at the abuse.lds.org webpage article about how an abuse victim might go about forgiving an abuser ---- forgiving an abuser who will not, apparently, escape condemnation for their actions.

Like ---- to me forgiving and condemnation are two opposite sides of the same coin. That's how I've always understood the issue of forgiveness versus punishment/condemnation --- they are two opposite ways in which to deal with an offense.

But the church is telling us that it will be condemned but we can also forgive it at the same time.


Anyway:::: There's a LOT of information I could discuss from my hours of discussion today::: but the main thing is this::::


The dead Church leader, prophet and apostle, Spencer W Kimball taught some very specific things about forgiveness in his book "The Miracle of Forgiveness".


BUT ----- in the new article about forgiveness and how an abuse victim can try to forgive ----- the Church is now basically just saying that Spencer W Kimball was wrong.  Kimball said very specific things, and now the church is no longer propagating those views, and in fact completely contradicts those views now.


IN FACT::::: At the end of the article, there is a list of other resources, generally from Living church people, even Apostles, and these resources from the apostles are in church publications ----- but not only is the church completely going opposite of what a past prophet said ---- now they are even saying you can't even necessarily trust what a currently living and operating apostle has said.




Basically::::: When the church has turned around and starting saying that living apostles of the church do not even represent the official viewpoint:::: well:::: obviously there's so much information in the church, and one really has to wonder what information is ever trustworthy ever in the church.



There are some people in the church who will tell you that no one in a leadership position can EVER be criticized. Not even criticism. Not ever.



But the church, on this website, basically just said that you can't even necessarily trust a living and ordained apostle to give you the straight deal.


And then there are all the past prophets that the church just kind of disowned.


And then when you realize the church kind of disowned some things in The Book of Mormon --- and The Pearl of Great Price ---- and even the Doctrine & Covenants don't get entirely listened to.



You know ---- it's just weird when you are growing up in the church and they're telling you they know the scriptures are true and that we have to follow the prophet.


And then upon further research, the church doesn't actually follow the scriptures and they completely contradict the past prophets and are now even telling you living apostles aren't even necessarily trustworthy.



But when you are growing up the church completely criticizes The Bible as unsound doctrine that was probably wrongly changed by some guy somewhere at some point --------



and in the end what it looks like is that in reality, The Bible is the only book that makes a whole lot of sense anyway, while all these prophets and extra scriptures can just be ignored.



I mean ----- the church likes to pressure young men into giving two years of their lives to the cause----- but what exactly is the cause anyway?


They tell you the scriptures are true, to follow the prophet, and that the Bible is untrustworthy --- a bunch of young people in the church spend years of their lives trying to help propagate the cause -----



but if you really research all the documents and all the teachings and now the new abuse website resource ------


The whole premise of the church was wrong. You can't trust so much of the dead prophets or even the living apostles. They don't even actually follow their own scriptures. And The Bible is the one book that actually seems to make any actual sense.


Anyway ---- it's just a big shock to me, having had to spend and invest so much of my life in the church, only to find out it wasn't what I thought it was.




I joined the church initially because they taught repentance ----- I thought if my family repented of their poor decisions we might live a good life.



But when you actually join and live in the church -------- they completely stop talking about repentance and just start talking about forgiveness. What does this mean? It means it was never important to actually change your ways, and now all the flaws in your family will never go away because they will never be challenged, the other cheek will always have to be turned from now on.


And then when you've had enough of the garbage being told to forgive everything all the time, and you finally decide it's your turn to start being forgiven --- that's when the church stops forgiving things and starts bringing in the punishment.



1) They preach repentance, but then never actually require repentance.

2) They tell you to forgive everything, which means when anything goes wrong it will never be dealt with or rectified.

3) When you finally had enough of that and you want your turn to be forgiven, that's when they stop forgiving and bring down the condemnation.



It's enough to drive a guy bonkers.



Anyway::: final note:::: in my discussion with my Dad today, he basically just said you should NEVER talk to a Latter-Day Saint about what the Holy Ghost has ever told you.


Why?  Because you will be met, apparently, with instant disagreement ---- that is basically what my Dad said.


I know ---- the church teaches personal revelation and listening to the still small voice of the holy ghost ------- and they teach it's wrong to deny the holy ghost ------ blasphemy against the holy ghost is the unforgivable sin -------


but my Dad pointed out that if you ever tell anyone in the church about what the holy ghost tells you apparently they will instantly disagree and just argue with you about it.


Like, this is a matter of eternal salvation here::: if you blaspheme the holy ghost you are doomed -----


and yet if the holy ghost actually talks to you, and the church says it WILL talk to you, if you tell someone else at church they basically WILL disagree with you ------- which is a real concern because it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

A logical conclusion to draw from a church that is likely to never accept a revelation from the Holy Ghost is that they just don't actually believe in God or the Holy Ghost. IF it's going to be wrong every time---- then that must mean they don't really believe in that stuff --- it's a logical way of looking at it.

and if the church is telling you to believe in personal revelation and the voice of the spirit --- but will always reject your personal testimony------

just like they told me I'd work miracles but then started forcing me on drugs for believing in miracles ------

well, that all sounds just quite abusive to me.






Anyway ---- maybe I'm crazy with all the information I'm having to deal with here and how confusing it is----- and now I wonder how to fix my Dad because his brain might not be physically capable of handling all the information ---- just like I had a meltdown once when things became too confusing.



Anyway ---- I could probably go on forever on this topic, and there's so much information to cover in so many directions ------ but, in the end, it may just all be a complete waste of time --- because it may all have been meaningless from the beginning.

2 Emails and about upgrading

This morning I logged into my 1.4ghz mac mini and found there was an update for my version of macOS.

I installed it.

I kind of wish I didn't. Why?

Because Google Chrome just became so slow on that computer I have difficulty connecting to websites --- I'm having to write this post on my OUYA Dev machine -- mac mini from 2012.



Yeah ---- so, the new mac minis ---- they look FANTASTIC, like dream machines ---- but I'm afraid that if I don't get paid for my work, especially for my books, I won't be upgrading to one any time soon.


I get forgiveness points, more or less, for forgiving people for not paying me ----- but really, if I wanted to continue in the development business I would want one of these new mac minis ------ but my current income, even if it is generous for a disability income, will take some time to save up for such a device.


And I'm not going back into deep debt to buy a computer, especially when there's zero guarantee that people will pay me for my new work.


So:::: There is some possibility that I could continue developing video games ----- but that is put on an indefinite hold while people don't pay me for what I've already done and I have to save my current mediocre income in order to afford a new dev machine.




I recently received a new portable music stand in the mail from Amazon.

Yesterday I set it up, put my Christmas Sheet Music for Guitar on ----- and started figuring out my Jingle Bells.

So much fun.


Also::: good news::: My C Major Chord is starting to sound better, although not yet entirely perfected yet it is doing much better. Yay.




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Now ---- In the past days I received 2 emails.


One email was from a Russian man who wanted to tell me something about making an annual income while he was on a trip to Egypt.


He sent the email using Google Photos.


I clicked on his link, but I felt leery about logging into a webpage with my Google Account just to look at photos by some stranger.


If you want to send me photos or anything, just write it down in an email ---- I'm very suspicious or "leery" about logging in to any site with my personal credentials --- especially my Google account.







And then --- this Morning:::


I got an email from a man named Gavin Stephenson on my OUYA icloud email.

He starts the email saying "Hello Superstar" and says he hopes I'll join him for something he's doing for the law of attraction. The address in the email is in London.



OK ----- For a moment I thought he might even be talking directly to me ----- but then I did a search for his name in my email ---- and realized I had signed up for his mailing list so I could download something he did about using the law of attraction to get rich.



Though amusing that I was referred to as "Superstar" and thinking he was personally talking to me - and then realizing it's just a mailing list thing ----


I thought I should talk on this blog a little about the Law of Attraction and making money, as I've experienced it.


When I was 13 or 14 years old --- I asked God in a personal prayer for a million dollars. A few years later Avril Lavigne was running about basically singing about being in love with me, as I interpret the song.


But::: there's a problem:::: people around me don't want me to be rich. In fact, as far as I am aware, to this day ---- My Mom REFUSES to pray for me to make a million dollars ---- which means I do not have permission to make a tonne of money.


I'm sure I could make a tonne of money, but I think something about my Mom not wanting it might be holding me back.


Anyway ----- the good news is this:::: Earlier this year I was alone with my Dad and my Brother ---- and I said a prayer, all 3 of us involved, just asking God for a specific amount of money. It's a big sum to a very poor person, but not enough to really be super rich.


Anyway, just weeks later my Mom had somehow acquired the exact amount of money that we had asked for in prayer --- and she wanted my help to get it invested in a GIC (Guaranteed Investment Certificate).


SO:::: The Law of Attraction does seem to work well enough, the 3 of us basically got exactly what we asked for in just weeks ---- but it's non-redeemable right now and just earning interest.


The Law of Attraction works so well that my Mom also gets her desire --- that I NOT make my million dollars.




In fact, you can trace the origins of my supposed craziness or insanity back years ago when my sisters and their friends were deliberately trying to drive me insane.


To tell the truth, nobody wants to place any blame anywhere for anything negative ---- but the fact is the negative aspect of life did exist and I know that my sisters stated they were trying to drive me insane. So ---- that's the explanation.


But yeah.  This last part of this post was basically just my commentary in relation to an email I received about Law of Attraction ------ the Law of Attraction works so well that I'm actually not allowed to be super-rich it seems because I don't have permission from my Mom. So, I just live like I'm disabled and collecting my meagre income, wishing people would pay me so I can buy one of these new dream-machine mac minis.

Sunday, October 28, 2018

Unexpectedly feeling "The Holy Ghost"

I was just looking up my books on Amazon.

Right as I started looking up "Kris Attfield" in the Amazon search --- I looked at my list of books and I started feeling that distinctive feeling The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints refers to as "the Holy Ghost".


I mean, normally I can feel happy. I also have experienced depression in the past.


And to tell the truth, feeling what I've been feeling for the past few moments, I know that I don't normally feel this feeling.


But just as I was looking at my books:::: it just washed over me, I could feel it fill me:::: that warmth in my bosom.


In a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints hymn, they sing "The Spirit of God like a fire is burning".


Anyway ----- The Church trains you when you get baptized to feel for that Holy Ghost feeling.


And I realize how much of my time I spent NOT feeling that feeling.


But, amazingly, and unexpectedly:::: I was looking at my books on Amazon, when my heart was filled with warmth, with the flame.


That should be saying something spiritually.





Although, I will note that what I understand of psychiatry ---- well, the doctors aren't likely to look at that feeling like any sort of Holy Ghost type thing at all ---- to them feelings are really all in the realm of chemicals in your brain.



The Mormons taught me it was the Spirit of God though.


So who knows.


It's just very interesting that I'd be filled with that feeling while looking at my books. Unexpected.




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In other news, I thought of some other things I would have wanted to talk about on my blog --- but I decided to talk about it with my father instead.

Amazingly enough, saying it to my Dad actually got it off my chest and his response settled me down, which is unusual because I usually feeling distinctly unfulfilled trying to talk to my Dad about stuff.

Anyway, that means I can keep it off my blog ---- largely because I think I've already said it somewhere else a while back, and it's not really the happiest thing I could be talking about.

Thursday, October 25, 2018

A Not Totally Understood Mystery

To be honest, for YEARS now our family has experienced this phenomenon where we find things around our house or around our property which shouldn't by any reasonable understanding be there --- but they are there.

Like, a few weeks ago I found a new pair of pants neatly folded on my desk chair ---- I had done my laundry and thought all my pants were all accounted for.

Shortly before that, my Dad found a sock by his bed ---- and nobody knows where the sock came from or whose sock it is or was.

Many years ago I was going to go for a long walk to get some lunch when I found a full-sized hamburger from a popular restaurant just sitting on the sidewalk (in its package) across the street from my house.

Heck ---- we've had a situation when we found something in our house that no one knows what it was or what it did -- or how it got there ---- but it was there and we found it there anyway.




SO:::: TODAY::::


My Mom spent half the day doing a civic duty, my Dad and I picked up our nephew to have some fun ---- and after my Mom's duty was over we all took a trip to the zoo.

When we all came home we were all pretty tired, so we ALL just went to bed. Like, late afternoon, early evening ---- nobody wants to be up anymore.


Well, I was just laying in bed, thinking about the disaster of my life ------- when I started hearing a beeping sound.


It didn't stop. It was repetitive. I was afraid somehow the refrigerator door hadn't been closed properly --- so I got up from bed, and went upstairs to look at the kitchen to see what was beeping.


Everyone else was just staying in bed --- either no one else heard the beep ----- or no one understood or cared.


I discovered what it was:::: the Oven Timer. I turned off the oven and pulled out a cooked chicken.


yes ----- there was a fully cooked chicken in our oven.


I went to my parents' room, opened the door (and everyone was just silently laying down) -- I told my Mom the chicken was done cooking.


She didn't seem to understand what I was talking about. She was like "what chicken?"


So, I went back to my room and listened ----- Nobody else seems to have gotten the idea ---- we have a cooked chicken sitting on our stove right now and I'm the only one who knows about it ------ and I have no idea who initiated the process of cooking it, especially as my Mom doesn't seem to realize we have a cooked chicken and she didn't know.



So yeah::::: This MIGHT be an example of the Lord Jesus Christ's magical provision.



I've seen it multiple times in my life -------- but I'm writing about this experience now because its currently happening::::: the oven was beeping and nobody went to check it out except for me. I found a cooked chicken.


I told my Mom.  She didn't appear to have any idea.


Maybe I've just misunderstood the situation ----- but you'd think if someone else in my family had been cooking the chicken that they would have gotten up to check the oven when the beeping started.

Sunday, October 21, 2018

Is this a reason for my eye-issues?

This doesn't seem like a plausible reason for why my left eye would be partially blinded and the sight would suddenly be OK again in the ophthalmologist's office, but it's something I'm noticing so I'm going to print it here.


I was just looking at my ID Card. For .a long time during my life I had always thought my eyes were Green.

But, upon doing closer research on eye colors on the internet, and then closely examining my eyes ----- I realized my eyes might actually be HAZEL.


Which means I was inaccurate when I told the government about my eyes. Oops.


But:::: here's the thing::::::


Even if this doesn't seem believable --- it's what I see as true, it's my truth, and it should be accepted with faith, although maybe you'd do that with a grain of salt-------


I was just looking at my eyes in the bathroom mirror a little moment ago.


My right eye was greenish-brown.

My left eye was greenish-blue.


This is not normal.

That's how I'll describe the coloring.


Thing is::: it was very clear that my two eyes were not the same color as each other anymore.

I tried to take close-up selfies with my iPhone --- unfortunately, the lighting isn't very good at this time in the morning, and my left eye is always in the shady position--- it can't be clearly seen (in the pictures).



SO:::::: yeah, who knows whatever scientific explanation there might be-------



but in The Book of Finch I describe two different "magical" parts of my appearance which I believe were real but people are inclined to call me crazy -----

1) My hair magically changed color at a special church event.  The first person to notice it was a friend of mine, but when I went home and looked in the mirror, I was able to verify my hair, without any dies or bleaches --- had changed color.

2) Years later  I would be looking at my eyes in the mirror, and magically they just seemed to be changing color.


So:::: I know people tell me I'm crazy, and so much seems unbelievable------

but, today I was looking at my eyes in the mirror and they were basically two different colors or two different kinds of hazel.  Greenish-blue and Greenish-brown. I could definitely see the difference.


SO:::: I wonder if this has anything to do with how I lost some sight in my left eye, but then it came back when re-inspected.


UPDATE October 22nd 2018 10:16AM:::::::

I checked my eyes again ---- they're the same color now, no blue to be seen.

It's either something "magical" ------ or it might just be something to do with the lighting in my bathroom early in the morning when it's still dark out.

What else could explain what I thought I saw?

Saturday, October 13, 2018

Wondering about Alex

I had a friend growing up. He was a good friend. We spent a lot of time together.

When I became mentally ill, he was over at my house, and I decided to kick him out. No --- it wasn't very kind, and I'm sure he may have been very offended over it.

The truth about why I kicked him out of my house::: I didn't really want to end the friendship, though that's the way he took it ----- I was just so completely horny at that time that I needed him to leave so I safely relieve myself.

I wonder about him.

Years later, I tried befriending him on Facebook --- but I think he rejected me, maybe he was still offended.

So:::: Alex, if you are out there, I wonder how you are doing, and I'm sorry I was too horny to have you over at my house that day and apparently anymore.

Alex, what my years could have been if we had stayed good friends. Although --- I also, along with the supposed mental illness, had a sudden change of ideological loyalties --- so maybe that would have been a problem for us.

Anyway. I remember what it was like when I got him to leave the house.

I'm not going to describe it ----- but I do have an excuse to say that I tried to save his soul but he just rejected The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints' gospel.

Simple fact::: I was becoming very religious church-wise, and Alex didn't accept those views.

Maybe that's why he stopped being my super close friend.

Anyway, I've since learned that the church was in so many ways a mess.

And I wonder how Alex has been doing.

I don't usually try to refer to people by their real names --- especially because before I wrote The Book of Finch my Doctor and Father made it clear to me that I have to keep identities hidden ------

But Alex was a real name of a real person. He was my good friend, it's no secret he and I were friends.

I was just too horny, and I was mentally ill, and we became ideologically incompatible.

I wonder how he's doing. He already rejected me on Facebook I think, so I don't know where to find him anymore.

Anyway. A blog post about it should be enough for now.

So Alex:: how's it been going?

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Wikipedia Sent me an email yesterday

I'll start this post by pointing out the new featured post. The new featured post points out a new article on this blog. It felt important to me to release that information, as I see it from my perspective.


Yesterday Wikipedia sent me an email.

They said it was an awkward subject.

They said that I am one of the fewer than 1% of Wikipedia users who actually donates to the website.

They said that most people just cannot afford to donate anything to them.

OK ---- from my perspective and from the perspective of people around me:::: I make about ~19k per year with disability, my household has 4 members and something like 3 incomes. We have only one family vehicle, however, so that might give us some savings.

From the perspective of Wikipedia however, I'm basically being told that I'm something like being in the 1%.

There's the reality that I and my family sees, which is either middle class or very-low upper class.

And there's Wikipedia telling me that I'm in the 1% of people who actually give them money. And it's awkward to them ----- probably because I don't seem super rich and that just makes it weird that more people "at my level" or above aren't also donating.


Growing up in Mormonism, and following Jesus' example ---- there is nothing wrong with "living below your station".


Part of my issue, as I said in my new featured post, is that people don't believe the things I might have done in my years of being online.


So, it's just interesting ----- my household net worth as the people around me see me is probably still lower than 1 million CAD ------


And it's just awkward to Wikipedia that this somehow puts me in "the 1%" --- of people who actually donate.


So, there you go.


If I made any money in my life --- I have no idea how much, so I don't know if I'd actually be put in the top 1% income bracket.




People tend not to believe it ----- but from my perspective, it's entirely possible that I've had influence.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Pointing Out My Latest Article (Right hand side menu)

So::: I wrote a new article for this blog that can be found in the right hand side menu of this blog --- "An Apology for those who wanted to do business with me" or something like that --- the article can be found near the bottom of the list above my Apology for Radioclash.


I was just watching Coach Red Pill on Youtube discuss a topic ---- but in his topic, he said that in order to get your writing noticed by a producer in Hollywood you need an agent of some sort.


What what? So--- what is my connection to The Number 23 then?


Well, my memory is sketchy ---- but do note that my version of the Number 23 story took place on Avril Lavigne's official fan club ------- so obviously I was already being viewed by entertainment industry types.


To be honest, I could want to travel and preach to the nations for the church, or I could want to make millions of dollars creating entertainment --- but as my article mentions::: I am considered mentally ill.


Even though I was considered one of the smartest kids in school and even though the patriarch of the church seemed to destine me for greater things------ the simple fact remains that I am viewed as being a grandiosely delusional man.


I got an email that offered me a LOT of money ----- no one believed it. That makes it difficult for me.


I was supposed to be a traveling preacher as a young man ---- the church even said so ------ but such is not viewed as realistic by the people around me. Heck ----- even getting support by being paid for my work is hard.


So yeah. I'm just pointing out the new article for why it's hard to do business with me, and especially point out that if I were involved in any multi-million dollar deals that people around me wouldn't likely believe it ---- just delusions of grandeur to them.


I might've mentioned this before, but it seems relevant to say again now::: I asked my Mom within the past year or two if she'd pray for me to make my million ----- she REFUSED.


It might just be that my family actually does not support me in doing something so great that the blessings would be huge.


I may have been one of the smartest kids at school (numerous years running) --- but that didn't stop my sister from consistently insulting my intelligence until I've lost my mind about it.


So::: maybe I've had ample opportunity in my life ---- but my own family isn't exactly going for the idea that I'd be super successful ------ so I apologize if I let people down by not being business-savvy enough.

Saturday, October 6, 2018

Latest Big News - Church related

To be honest, the fact that it's birthday time for my nephew and that LDS General Conference was today completely slipped my mind until today ---- when I was faced with the reality of the situation.

Most of the phone calls we get in our house we don't bother to answer --- we screen a lot of phone calls, especially because a lot of calls are basically crap and we actually don't want them.

Last night we got a phone call from a completely different and unusual area code. Not recognizing it at all --- we screened it.

I looked up what information I could find about the number online:::

Someone from likely either PROVO or SALT LAKE CITY in UTAH had tried to contact us.

And then today was General Conference day. Oh.

Know something interesting? My family has been involved with the LDS Church basically since I was born ----- and in all that time no one from UTAH had really ever phoned us. What made yesterday so different?

Another tidbit of information:: My website portal tells me I had a LOT of visitors yesterday. Despite selling practically NO books, an awful lot of people suddenly became interested in me just the day before General Conference.

Interesting.

It's either that everyone is dishonest and wouldn't be bothered to pay me for my work, or something went wrong at my publishers. (which is interesting because just last night Youtube/Google was showing me a documentary about white-collar crime as if that was relevant).

Ack.

So::: Obviously I'm seen as a big somebody in the LDS Church. But, as I've learned, even the LDS Church is aware that the church screwed up really-really badly in my life and I'm not fully sure I'm really interested anymore.

Just today my Mom brought up the topic of Personal Revelation having something to do with what was discussed in General Conference ----

All I could think of was how my Bishop wanted me to deny my personal revelation and how I was treated, essentially by the church, like I was crazy for having communications from God.

Basically, the church just really really screwed up in my life. All my life they taught me about personal revelation, and the revelation was real ----- but for some reason, local leadership decided to declare my insanity for belief in such things. Yeah. The church REALLY screwed up.



So::: it's been eight years since my nephew was born, and how Jesus Christ appeared on the night of his birth (as is recorded in my book The Book of Finch).

I said to my family "So, it's his birthday and it's been 8 years --- I'm afraid to ask". The response from my Dad was "So don't ask".

Anyway ---- though my nephew is now officially old enough to officially join the church, the past days no one has said a thing about baptizing him or him and the church in any way shape or form.

Yeah. Huh. Normally children who grow up in Mormon households get baptized at age of 8, but no one so far as even mentioned church or baptism in relation to my nephew.

Simple fact:::

Jesus Christ appeared to me at the birth of my nephew.

Simple fact:::

The church mostly rejected my personal testimony of Jesus.

So yeah, it was just interesting that the LDS Church wasn't actually about God Jesus Angels and Miracles when I'm not allowed to have my testimony of such things in church, and also how the church wasn't really a friends or family community either because I wasn't allowed to be friends with my friends ---- so what was the church really all about then? I'm really not sure.




The last thing I can think of to say is this:::

Just today I suddenly realized that I may personally have a thought-based or telepathic connection to Avril Lavigne's latest released single.

How?

So:::: Being immature, and having loved Penguins since grade 2,

as a term of endearment, one of the things I'd think in my mind for the past so many years was "Avril is a penguin who lives in the ocean" ---- I'd basically have imaginary thought poetry sessions in my idle time thinking about Avril somehow being a Penguin. Another variation on this is that I would think of Avril as a "Rabbit-Penguin" ---- in relation to how I was raised with the Mac computer concept of a "Dogcow".

To be honest, I don't really know how much Avril really likes me --- so I've been leaving her alone.

I do know however that most of her fans never really seemed to like me, so I don't bother.

Avril herself was a lot nicer, but still, sometimes the messages seem a little mixed. Who knows.





Anyway. it would have been nice to have actual sales reports and earnings from my work ---- but last night's Youtube documentary shows that there's just a big part of the population which is all too likely to just be dishonest, whether I'm being ripped off at the pirating sites or wherever.


But it doesn't totally matter since I have AiSH ----- and I really have questioned and still question how much I really want to be involved in the church after the disaster I was put through in that organization.

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Getting Stressed just by thinking

Yesterday.I posted my ideas of something I could do with the Lottery if I won the big prize (eg, the 60 million dollar prize). I then deleted that post.

According to the odds, it's not likely I'd win the lottery. So why worry about it? I guess I'm just trying to visualize or something.

Anyway, since I deleted that post, one of the thoughts that occurred to me was something about how I'd be completely unlikely to win the lottery every again, so shouldn't I do my best to have fun rather than blow half of it on a charitable idea that I'm not even likely going to be competent at doing?

Just thinking about what I'd do if I had 60 million has stressed me out ---- and I don't even have the money yet. It's like the neurons in my brain are on the verge of having a meltdown if I promise do something like create a trailer park for homeless people if I win.

I figure I would want to help people ---- but that the help I offer should be within my capability range.

A trailer park for homeless people may be way more than I can manage. It's a good idea ---- but thinking about what it would take, maybe I'm not the best candidate.

But I do want to help people -----

So I'd probably just give a nice big donation to a couple or a few charities.

But the lion's share of the winnings I'd use just to live my life, and have my fun.



The main point of this blog post is that I was just getting stressed out just by thinking about what could happen if I had 60 million dollars.


Housing homeless people might be a good idea ----- but I can't say I'd necessarily be competent at the job. Therefore, maybe I'd just donate a bunch to existing charities.


So::: I was trying some visualization of winning, and I only eventually just started feeling stressed out. Huh.


Maybe I'm better off with a smaller prize. :)

Monday, October 1, 2018

Asking God for Information

I've got a pretty interesting story to report today.

In a recent post, I said I would be ordering an NES Mini Classic and a SNES Mini Classic when I got my next payment.

Today is the day those products were to arrive.

I basically just sat in my house and waited for Canada Post to bring the package.

After a number of hours, I just got tired of waiting.

I asked God "God, when will Canada Post arrive?"

The response from God said they would be here in 2 minutes.

2 minutes was a short enough time so I gave God a chance. I even looked at my watch to keep track of time.

So::: what happened?

God was actually right!

It's amazing, but when Canada Post arrived, I looked at my watch again and noticed that it was 2 minutes since I last checked my watch.

So:::: that's psychic power for you. I ask God a question, He gives me an answer, and the answer turned out to be true.

To be honest, I have done this before ---- God has been right before about this type of thing.

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So::: My left eye still sees, but I think I will need a new prescription for my glasses. My right eye is fine in this glasses, but my left eye seems a little blurry.

But there is a possibility that I am having a problem with my brain ---- not a schizophrenia problem, some kind of other problem -----

My balance has MOSTLY returned. But, I've noticed when I'm standing in my kitchen that I'm more likely to feel dizzy.

BUT::::: A CLUE:::::: I was standing in the kitchen feeling a little dizzy today, when all of the sudden the dizziness left---- the dizziness was gone but in the same instant that the dizziness was got I started to hear a loud ringing noise in my left ear ---- like Tinnitus.

I'll have to note that to the doctor if/when I get my referral.

So::: I need new glasses, mostly stable now but a little dizzy a bit, and at one point the dizziness was instantly replaced by a ringing noise in my left ear.


The fact that my brain is having an issue does not reflect on the reality that God was able to tell me when my package would arrive.


I've ALWAYS or ALMOST ALWAYS been able to get good information straight from God.


Today was just a really good example of that ---- I heard it was coming in 2 minutes and the voice in my head turned out to be correct.

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Eye News

I mentioned in previous posts that my left eye had a blind spot --- that it was "pooched".


Today I saw the specialist, an ophthalmologist.


Basically ---- and this is weird ------ though for the past weeks I could clearly see that my left eye was not seeing properly ----- now when I was doing the eye exam at the new doctor's office my eye suddenly just got all better again.


Yes ---- the problem I had at the optometrist did not present itself.  The problem has existed quite noticeably for a while ------ but as soon as I got my sight checked at the ophthalmologist office, my eye was suddenly working properly again.


Yeah ---- I know that's really weird.  As I am writing this blog post, I am not noticing anything wrong with my eyes either.


The doctor actually looked at my eye too ---- he found NO PROBLEMS WITH IT.



BUT ------ Since the eye problem started, I also started having a dizziness problem.


yesterday I bought a cane to help me feel stable when I stand and walk.


The interesting thing to note about the cane:::: I noticed immediately after I bought it a sticker on it with the numbers "3357" printed on. By midnight, only the one number 3 remained, the other three digits just disappeared. This seemed very magical, but I do wonder if I just somehow accidentally just "rubbed off" those 3 digits. I don't know ---- it seems magical.


Anyway ---- considering the dizziness, the reality of the eye problem ------- I'm being sent to another specialist who will examine how my eye sends the information to my brain. Like, how the eye and my brain interact.




SO:::::: I know it sounds really loopy that I was claiming I had eye problems but the problems just suddenly disappeared as soon as I was in the doctor's office ------- I STILL believe in that God and Miracle stuff ----- that's all this is to me.


It's not that I'm dishonest, It's just that reality is actually really quite magical.





In other news, I got an email from my domain name provider saying they're actually now offering web hosting (or web hosting transfer) services for free.


I only started using this website to host my blog because it's free, and my domain name service servers were not and I wasn't making any money.


Apparently, the domain name service is not charging anymore. or something. I'm not sure if they actually offer hosting services for free or if it's just the transfer to their service that's free ---- but yeah, I'm noting that in case I want to switch. I might. I could think about it for a while, but I might also just get lazy and forget. Who knows.

Friday, September 21, 2018

My Mom Suddenly Became Fun

So:: My Mom retired from her job.


My Dad's hobby involves playing with radio technology ----- He built an AM Radio (actually, he's built a number of AM Radios) ------


And as he was listening to his handiwork, we heard an AD on the radio station about the upcoming PlayStation Classic.


I had to look it up online::: the article I read not only talked about PSC but also mentioned the NES Mini and the SNES Mini.


It became very clear to me what I am going to do with my next payments.


I was telling my Mom this morning how "stoked" I was about playing retro NES and SNES mini games ------ I told her I'm not depressed anymore, so I'm actually capable of feeling excited about this new discovery.


All of the sudden, my Mom announced to me that after she's been to her temple ceremony today, she wants to play 30 minutes of Forge TV with me.


OMG.


My Mom's usual excuse about Forge TV and OUYA was that her old hands were arthritic.


But now she figures she SHOULD make an effort to play video games because she figures playing with me will sharpen her mind. (yes --- I've already been through a study that says video games are actually good for you).


So::::: My mom and I played for about half an hour of the Bananatree games I built.


She made me write down on a piece of paper all the controls ---- she needed something to remind her how to play and what the controls were.


She actually won the round of The Bananatree Brothers we played together.


And she skillfully managed her character in The Bananatree Brothers: Eat Carrots. She almost won that game.


SO::: this was a genuinely good and fun exercise for me and her. I feel good. She was entertained.


It's just so much fun to actually be able to play video games with someone. I've spent years wishing I could play OUYA with my family ---- but everyone was mostly too busy or too disabled.


Now that my Mom is retired, she's figured she might as well exercise her mind with video games --- which is good because I FINALLY get to have some fun.


On a side note:::: I have to say that OUYA was actually a really positive experience for me and I really enjoyed the console. OK --- maybe the experience wasn't 100% perfect, but all in all I would recommend the OUYA to people ---- if it still existed, and if I knew people. On my end, probably one of the biggest problems I had with marketing the OUYA is that my family didn't have time for it, and I almost have to wonder if my sister or sisters were actually somehow hostile to it. That's basically what I understood, because when I tried to give my one sister a free console, she wouldn't accept it ---- and she never bought her own.


So::: OUYA was very very awesome, but my family just seemed to have some problems.



Anyway::: the main point of this post is:::::

Video games are shown to actually be good for you, and my Mom who is becoming "elderly" has decided to get involved and we had good fun with it.

Also:::: Blaine Bananatree is a good starter game, it's simple enough and can help teach how to use a controller. Not that it was designed to teach controller usage, however.

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

The Local University Resurrected Something

The title of this post is the most interesting way and quickest way I could think of a title.

Today we got mail from The University of Calgary.

One for my Mom, who is a graduate.

and one for RST Systems Technology Ltd.

RST has been dead for a long, long time.

Back when my Dad was a functional human being (Basically before he spent 30 years of his life in the LDS Church) he was part of a company. I don't know what they did, but pretty soon it was all being dissolved and they just gave all the shares of the entire company to my Dad.

And therefore my Dad became that company, essentially.

He tried to continue the work, he was the President of RST Systems Technology for a while --- he even released a product called "Treasure Mapper" ------ had something to do with file conversion in the cartography industry.

His product was quite expensive, and a lot of people just didn't buy it.



Anyway, RST has been "dead" for quite a while, but by sending this letter it's like the University "resurrected" it.




And the big reason I'm writing this post:::::


Wouldn't it be interesting if my earnings as a book writer and OUYA Dev, what if those earnings went to the ownership of RST? No clue. Just speculation again.

RST is supposed to be dead. It's been a very, very long time.



Well, who knows::::


Either the money I earned, if any, went to my main investor the Alberta Government,


Or like a founder of Apple having to present his invention to Hewlett Packer because HP had rights, maybe RST took my income. Who knows.

And yes, I heard about the Apple --- HP thing from a pretty good historical movie from a while back called "The Pirates of Silicon Valley". I recommend it.



yeah. Huh. Either nobody could pay me, or my main investors took the cash.


On the topic of Pirates::::


I recently plugged in the Peasant Vision (antenna) to my TV (monitor on a mac mini) and sat back and watched some CBC for a while ---- they were teaching the kids to be pirates.


It's just weird that a crown corporation of a supposedly responsible national government was teaching the kids piracy. Who knows.



Anyway:::


Back to work:::


Seeing as how I personally don't directly benefit from my own work, it's hard to want to do more work in the future. It doesn't seem worthwhile. I could just give up on that.


And I know some Japanese person wanted to invest in me ---- but my Japanese interpreter friend didn't believe it ------ and I think the whole thing was very confused if it was even real at all ------- and well, I'm just not a very social person. I don't socialize with others the absolute best, I'm much more comfortable in a small group (my family) without having to worry about too many obligations. I don't even spend much time with other disabled people.


And ----- lastly, if I were to continue work, I also have to think about how to afford all the hardware and all that I'd need ---- it's difficult because it's expensive and I have no way of knowing that people are actually interested or would actually pay me for anything. There's no point in trying, as well as there's no certain money besides AiSH.


AND ----- I don't have any new ideas right now.



There we go.


Main point of this post:::: The University sent mail to my Dad's dead business. I have to wonder if the dead business might be a recipient of any of my earnings, much like I could speculate that the government could have taken it.

Saturday, September 15, 2018

The Emotional Urge for Friendship

Today I was realizing how socially cut off from people I am, whether by choice or whether it's imposed by others.


In Canada::: Freedom of association is supposed to be GUARANTEED.


I had a friend from a long time ago, she was also my classmate for 2 years.


The short of it is::: She had no idea why our friendship wasn't allowed, and even after we had both been banned from talking to each other she still talked to me anyway.


It was basically the church or someone or some authority in the church who decided that she and I would not be allowed to be friends with each other.


Since then, the church has basically been completely disproved ---- and I am also aware from some of her communications that she wasn't really a believer anyway.



I know the information can be messed up, and I know that the situation doesn't make sense and is completely illogical and can never be understood.



And yeah:::: the church that forced us to not be friends anymore never quite stopped her completely from talking to me ---- and then the church ended up being soundly disproved by a zillion different ways of people being able to figure it out.



Anyway::::: In my heart, in my soul, there is still some idea or yearning that she and I could still be friends.



But intellectually I know the situation has never made any sense and that the church really didn't want us to be friends.



SO:::: since the church is disproved now, and she didn't or doesn't really believe in that stuff ---- is the ban still in effect?


In my head I know I might be opening a can of worms by talking about this ----- but in my heart I kind of wonder about how she's doing and still desire a friendship with her.




My Dad likes to tell me that he was friends with a member of her family. Huh.



But anyway.



It's just interesting that many years ago my Bishop would tell me I have to forgive her and her family but then told me not to talk to her anymore::::: because that is actually self-contradicting instruction that goes against the whole Mormon book on forgiveness written by an LDS prophet.


So::: the situation has never really made sense, I might be opening a can of worms with my heartfelt feelings of wondering how she's doing.



it's just that it's the church that banned our friendship, the church got disproved, and she wasn't really a believer is all.


And that the Canadian Constitution is supposed to lawfully guarantee freedom of association.


Anywho ---- that's what was on my mind today.

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Programming and Thinking

My Dad said there was only one other time in his life history where he was programming in BASIC --- many years ago at his job.

Now, for his hobby, he's doing BASIC again.

It's nice to see him working at that sort of thing again.

During my childhood, I remember seeing and watching him do much work on the family computer in a language called "Prograph". Prograph doesn't exist anymore, and I tried to learn it but didn't grasp it, but my Dad somehow understood it, and actually published a project with it.

Of course, that project didn't pay him very much, so we ended up being what I thought of as poor.




I was remembering when I was first trying to teach myself JAVA before I became schizophrenic ---- Yes ---- trying to learn JAVA at that time might have been an early indicator that my brain was going to have problems, because some of the concepts of the language were somehow too abstract for my brain back then, and I was just beginning to start to shut down at that time, as I remember.

Of course, having done OUYA many years later, suddenly JAVA is so much more understandable --- and maybe I was just having a brain shutdown and a reboot or something.



In the HALO universe by Bungie, I think I remember reading in one of the books that the Human AI's had a problem where they would "think themselves to death".


I'm kind of wondering now, at this point in my life if I'm going to have a similar problem::: My brain has learned so much information and experience over the years, that often my brain is processing very quickly and there's too much information and not enough brain power ---- and I wonder if I'm just going to wear my brain out with all the thoughts I have.

Maybe it's just mental exercise, but I've had so much to think about in just 34 years ---- the information amount seems immense and my brain hardly gets any rest.  And that's just thinking about the PAST ------ I feel very worn out and wondering how effective I can be at figuring out current and future problems -------- maybe like an absent-minded professor of sorts.





And the final thing I'll mention in this post is this::::


What is the explanation for why my left eye would become partially sighted?

There are possible "scientific" explanations:

such as

1) Possibly it's genetics, one of my uncles is blind in one eye.

2) Possibly it might a problem with how I sleep, but that can't totally be helped because I'm a very big person, and I'm very big because of my psychiatric drug ---- and nobody is going to change that.

3) Possibly it might come from a problem involving how I got my dental implant MAYBE.




And then, there's the "magical" world, where the Law of Attraction will make you sick or ill simply because you haven't been loving enough.


SO:::: Did my left eye get pooched because I have too much animosity in my thinking processes?


I might even have legitimate reasons for my animosity ----- but try as I might to bless the whole world especially everyone who ever wronged me ------- I can still feel and think conrary to a number of problems I've seen or experienced in my life ------ and I have to wonder if any of my contrarian thinking, like for example, thinking about Mormon problems, might somehow have caused tme to be less loving than I should be and thus my eyesight gets pooched?



Am I just growing old?



But that's really something to think about you know ---- how important love is.


The Law of Attraction will do bad things to you if you don't have enough love in your life.



So::::: what if you are supposed to be so loving of everyone, regardless of how messed up they might've been to you? I don't know ------


or what if, for some reason, God actually is with the Mormons even if that doesn't totally make total sense all the time???



So::: yeah, potential scientific explanations for my eyes ----- and then the magical reasoning.


Overworking my brain to the point of shutdown maybe?


and it's just nice and nostalgic kind of for me to see my Dad working a programming language again.






OUYA once asked a question on Mother's Day in a tweet along the lines of "How did your Mom inspire or help you to become a programmer?"


I never responded, but I definitely thought I could have said: "She married my Dad, who was working with computers in various ways since the early days".


Anyway, yeah, that's today's update.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Did the law of attraction do this and is this for real?

I've mentioned the idea from The Secret before::: try attracting checks into your mailbox rather than bills.


Well::: my spam box on my email has had numerous messages over time trying to tell me that there's money for me somewhere.


This seems like an obviously relatable occurrence to what The Secret was trying to teach me -----


But I don't recognize, as of yet, the sources of the supposed income, and I am also well aware that there are people we like to call "scammers" who will try to deceive and take advantage, so it's kind of hard to understand if this is really trustworthy ---- especially since it goes straight to the spam box.


You'd think after all these years that I should be paid something ----- but I also know or am aware that humanity can be unbelievably untrustworthy. So the easiest thing to do is ignore supposed offers that seem too good to be true ---- even if I am deserving of payment.


One thing that would really help move money is if the message was from an identifiable and trusted source.


Like::: a lot of the names and URLs of these emails seem to have nothing to do with anything I previously knew of.


I don't know if I've been signed up for things that I actually have zero interest in.


For example:::: recently my Dad has been receiving mail or has been put into the mailing list and may now even apparently have a membership in an organization he actually really has nothing to do with. And we do get this in the actual physical mail.


I am well understanding that I may be signed up for something that I actually have nothing to do with ----


So it's just kind of hard to know what to trust sometimes.



It would be very interesting if someone was trying to pay me:::: because I don't recognize the source of so many of these money offers. It would be nice if a publisher's name was attached for if actual relevant information was included in the messages.


This one message uses an old friend's nickname, but I don't fully understand that to be entirely related to anything even so.


SO::: I get all kinds of payment or money offers in the email:::: I just don't know how trustworthy a lot of things I ever see ever are.