Friday, September 21, 2018

My Mom Suddenly Became Fun

So:: My Mom retired from her job.

My Dad's hobby involves playing with radio technology ----- He built an AM Radio (actually, he's built a number of AM Radios) ------

And as he was listening to his handiwork, we heard an AD on the radio station about the upcoming PlayStation Classic.

I had to look it up online::: the article I read not only talked about PSC but also mentioned the NES Mini and the SNES Mini.

It became very clear to me what I am going to do with my next payments.

I was telling my Mom this morning how "stoked" I was about playing retro NES and SNES mini games ------ I told her I'm not depressed anymore, so I'm actually capable of feeling excited about this new discovery.

All of the sudden, my Mom announced to me that after she's been to her temple ceremony today, she wants to play 30 minutes of Forge TV with me.


My Mom's usual excuse about Forge TV and OUYA was that her old hands were arthritic.

But now she figures she SHOULD make an effort to play video games because she figures playing with me will sharpen her mind. (yes --- I've already been through a study that says video games are actually good for you).

So::::: My mom and I played for about half an hour of the Bananatree games I built.

She made me write down on a piece of paper all the controls ---- she needed something to remind her how to play and what the controls were.

She actually won the round of The Bananatree Brothers we played together.

And she skillfully managed her character in The Bananatree Brothers: Eat Carrots. She almost won that game.

SO::: this was a genuinely good and fun exercise for me and her. I feel good. She was entertained.

It's just so much fun to actually be able to play video games with someone. I've spent years wishing I could play OUYA with my family ---- but everyone was mostly too busy or too disabled.

Now that my Mom is retired, she's figured she might as well exercise her mind with video games --- which is good because I FINALLY get to have some fun.

On a side note:::: I have to say that OUYA was actually a really positive experience for me and I really enjoyed the console. OK --- maybe the experience wasn't 100% perfect, but all in all I would recommend the OUYA to people ---- if it still existed, and if I knew people. On my end, probably one of the biggest problems I had with marketing the OUYA is that my family didn't have time for it, and I almost have to wonder if my sister or sisters were actually somehow hostile to it. That's basically what I understood, because when I tried to give my one sister a free console, she wouldn't accept it ---- and she never bought her own.

So::: OUYA was very very awesome, but my family just seemed to have some problems.

Anyway::: the main point of this post is:::::

Video games are shown to actually be good for you, and my Mom who is becoming "elderly" has decided to get involved and we had good fun with it.

Also:::: Blaine Bananatree is a good starter game, it's simple enough and can help teach how to use a controller. Not that it was designed to teach controller usage, however.

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

The Local University Resurrected Something

The title of this post is the most interesting way and quickest way I could think of a title.

Today we got mail from The University of Calgary.

One for my Mom, who is a graduate.

and one for RST Systems Technology Ltd.

RST has been dead for a long, long time.

Back when my Dad was a functional human being (Basically before he spent 30 years of his life in the LDS Church) he was part of a company. I don't know what they did, but pretty soon it was all being dissolved and they just gave all the shares of the entire company to my Dad.

And therefore my Dad became that company, essentially.

He tried to continue the work, he was the President of RST Systems Technology for a while --- he even released a product called "Treasure Mapper" ------ had something to do with file conversion in the cartography industry.

His product was quite expensive, and a lot of people just didn't buy it.

Anyway, RST has been "dead" for quite a while, but by sending this letter it's like the University "resurrected" it.

And the big reason I'm writing this post:::::

Wouldn't it be interesting if my earnings as a book writer and OUYA Dev, what if those earnings went to the ownership of RST? No clue. Just speculation again.

RST is supposed to be dead. It's been a very, very long time.

Well, who knows::::

Either the money I earned, if any, went to my main investor the Alberta Government,

Or like a founder of Apple having to present his invention to Hewlett Packer because HP had rights, maybe RST took my income. Who knows.

And yes, I heard about the Apple --- HP thing from a pretty good historical movie from a while back called "The Pirates of Silicon Valley". I recommend it.

yeah. Huh. Either nobody could pay me, or my main investors took the cash.

On the topic of Pirates::::

I recently plugged in the Peasant Vision (antenna) to my TV (monitor on a mac mini) and sat back and watched some CBC for a while ---- they were teaching the kids to be pirates.

It's just weird that a crown corporation of a supposedly responsible national government was teaching the kids piracy. Who knows.


Back to work:::

Seeing as how I personally don't directly benefit from my own work, it's hard to want to do more work in the future. It doesn't seem worthwhile. I could just give up on that.

And I know some Japanese person wanted to invest in me ---- but my Japanese interpreter friend didn't believe it ------ and I think the whole thing was very confused if it was even real at all ------- and well, I'm just not a very social person. I don't socialize with others the absolute best, I'm much more comfortable in a small group (my family) without having to worry about too many obligations. I don't even spend much time with other disabled people.

And ----- lastly, if I were to continue work, I also have to think about how to afford all the hardware and all that I'd need ---- it's difficult because it's expensive and I have no way of knowing that people are actually interested or would actually pay me for anything. There's no point in trying, as well as there's no certain money besides AiSH.

AND ----- I don't have any new ideas right now.

There we go.

Main point of this post:::: The University sent mail to my Dad's dead business. I have to wonder if the dead business might be a recipient of any of my earnings, much like I could speculate that the government could have taken it.

Saturday, September 15, 2018

The Emotional Urge for Friendship

Today I was realizing how socially cut off from people I am, whether by choice or whether it's imposed by others.

In Canada::: Freedom of association is supposed to be GUARANTEED.

I had a friend from a long time ago, she was also my classmate for 2 years.

The short of it is::: She had no idea why our friendship wasn't allowed, and even after we had both been banned from talking to each other she still talked to me anyway.

It was basically the church or someone or some authority in the church who decided that she and I would not be allowed to be friends with each other.

Since then, the church has basically been completely disproved ---- and I am also aware from some of her communications that she wasn't really a believer anyway.

I know the information can be messed up, and I know that the situation doesn't make sense and is completely illogical and can never be understood.

And yeah:::: the church that forced us to not be friends anymore never quite stopped her completely from talking to me ---- and then the church ended up being soundly disproved by a zillion different ways of people being able to figure it out.

Anyway::::: In my heart, in my soul, there is still some idea or yearning that she and I could still be friends.

But intellectually I know the situation has never made any sense and that the church really didn't want us to be friends.

SO:::: since the church is disproved now, and she didn't or doesn't really believe in that stuff ---- is the ban still in effect?

In my head I know I might be opening a can of worms by talking about this ----- but in my heart I kind of wonder about how she's doing and still desire a friendship with her.

My Dad likes to tell me that he was friends with a member of her family. Huh.

But anyway.

It's just interesting that many years ago my Bishop would tell me I have to forgive her and her family but then told me not to talk to her anymore::::: because that is actually self-contradicting instruction that goes against the whole Mormon book on forgiveness written by an LDS prophet.

So::: the situation has never really made sense, I might be opening a can of worms with my heartfelt feelings of wondering how she's doing.

it's just that it's the church that banned our friendship, the church got disproved, and she wasn't really a believer is all.

And that the Canadian Constitution is supposed to lawfully guarantee freedom of association.

Anywho ---- that's what was on my mind today.

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Programming and Thinking

My Dad said there was only one other time in his life history where he was programming in BASIC --- many years ago at his job.

Now, for his hobby, he's doing BASIC again.

It's nice to see him working at that sort of thing again.

During my childhood, I remember seeing and watching him do much work on the family computer in a language called "Prograph". Prograph doesn't exist anymore, and I tried to learn it but didn't grasp it, but my Dad somehow understood it, and actually published a project with it.

Of course, that project didn't pay him very much, so we ended up being what I thought of as poor.

I was remembering when I was first trying to teach myself JAVA before I became schizophrenic ---- Yes ---- trying to learn JAVA at that time might have been an early indicator that my brain was going to have problems, because some of the concepts of the language were somehow too abstract for my brain back then, and I was just beginning to start to shut down at that time, as I remember.

Of course, having done OUYA many years later, suddenly JAVA is so much more understandable --- and maybe I was just having a brain shutdown and a reboot or something.

In the HALO universe by Bungie, I think I remember reading in one of the books that the Human AI's had a problem where they would "think themselves to death".

I'm kind of wondering now, at this point in my life if I'm going to have a similar problem::: My brain has learned so much information and experience over the years, that often my brain is processing very quickly and there's too much information and not enough brain power ---- and I wonder if I'm just going to wear my brain out with all the thoughts I have.

Maybe it's just mental exercise, but I've had so much to think about in just 34 years ---- the information amount seems immense and my brain hardly gets any rest.  And that's just thinking about the PAST ------ I feel very worn out and wondering how effective I can be at figuring out current and future problems -------- maybe like an absent-minded professor of sorts.

And the final thing I'll mention in this post is this::::

What is the explanation for why my left eye would become partially sighted?

There are possible "scientific" explanations:

such as

1) Possibly it's genetics, one of my uncles is blind in one eye.

2) Possibly it might a problem with how I sleep, but that can't totally be helped because I'm a very big person, and I'm very big because of my psychiatric drug ---- and nobody is going to change that.

3) Possibly it might come from a problem involving how I got my dental implant MAYBE.

And then, there's the "magical" world, where the Law of Attraction will make you sick or ill simply because you haven't been loving enough.

SO:::: Did my left eye get pooched because I have too much animosity in my thinking processes?

I might even have legitimate reasons for my animosity ----- but try as I might to bless the whole world especially everyone who ever wronged me ------- I can still feel and think conrary to a number of problems I've seen or experienced in my life ------ and I have to wonder if any of my contrarian thinking, like for example, thinking about Mormon problems, might somehow have caused tme to be less loving than I should be and thus my eyesight gets pooched?

Am I just growing old?

But that's really something to think about you know ---- how important love is.

The Law of Attraction will do bad things to you if you don't have enough love in your life.

So::::: what if you are supposed to be so loving of everyone, regardless of how messed up they might've been to you? I don't know ------

or what if, for some reason, God actually is with the Mormons even if that doesn't totally make total sense all the time???

So::: yeah, potential scientific explanations for my eyes ----- and then the magical reasoning.

Overworking my brain to the point of shutdown maybe?

and it's just nice and nostalgic kind of for me to see my Dad working a programming language again.

OUYA once asked a question on Mother's Day in a tweet along the lines of "How did your Mom inspire or help you to become a programmer?"

I never responded, but I definitely thought I could have said: "She married my Dad, who was working with computers in various ways since the early days".

Anyway, yeah, that's today's update.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Did the law of attraction do this and is this for real?

I've mentioned the idea from The Secret before::: try attracting checks into your mailbox rather than bills.

Well::: my spam box on my email has had numerous messages over time trying to tell me that there's money for me somewhere.

This seems like an obviously relatable occurrence to what The Secret was trying to teach me -----

But I don't recognize, as of yet, the sources of the supposed income, and I am also well aware that there are people we like to call "scammers" who will try to deceive and take advantage, so it's kind of hard to understand if this is really trustworthy ---- especially since it goes straight to the spam box.

You'd think after all these years that I should be paid something ----- but I also know or am aware that humanity can be unbelievably untrustworthy. So the easiest thing to do is ignore supposed offers that seem too good to be true ---- even if I am deserving of payment.

One thing that would really help move money is if the message was from an identifiable and trusted source.

Like::: a lot of the names and URLs of these emails seem to have nothing to do with anything I previously knew of.

I don't know if I've been signed up for things that I actually have zero interest in.

For example:::: recently my Dad has been receiving mail or has been put into the mailing list and may now even apparently have a membership in an organization he actually really has nothing to do with. And we do get this in the actual physical mail.

I am well understanding that I may be signed up for something that I actually have nothing to do with ----

So it's just kind of hard to know what to trust sometimes.

It would be very interesting if someone was trying to pay me:::: because I don't recognize the source of so many of these money offers. It would be nice if a publisher's name was attached for if actual relevant information was included in the messages.

This one message uses an old friend's nickname, but I don't fully understand that to be entirely related to anything even so.

SO::: I get all kinds of payment or money offers in the email:::: I just don't know how trustworthy a lot of things I ever see ever are.

Friday, September 7, 2018

Big Stuff

Ok, I've got 3 big things to talk about/mention:::

I saw an optometrist today.

I can't remember the exact terminology he used ----- but he now has it in his records or notes that I am now basically partially sighted. With the technology he had, he was unable to determine the problem, because everything he could see looked just fine ---- so he's referring me to a specialist.

The doctor did have some hope that my eyesight would return.

And yes ----- it's bad enough that I can't really read very well with my left eye ---- not even BIG letters on the wall ------ the doctor seemed to clearly understand that I was not seeing what I was supposed to.

The latest time I played the lottery:::: this time they asked me for identification. They don't usually ask me for identification --- but they did this time. And yes --- I won, a very small prize.

That comes after about 4 or 5 consecutive losses.

Asking for ID? either I look young, or someone might be catching on. Maybe. I don't always win ---- but there is something strange about the amount I have been winning.

And finally, I have learned that the LDS Apostle Elder Gong is going to be visiting my local LDS Stake this weekend for a special conference.

That is kind of interesting, and yes, it's amusing that his name resembles my video game's name (Gong versus Pfhonge ---- along with Elder Soares versus The Eagle's Sore).

Part of me understands that I might be seen as a bad guy ---- but another part of me realizes that the church asked me to be a traveling preacher and then they didn't even buy my books.

I don't know what to say ---- it might be interesting to have a chat with the church about the problems::: but for so long I've been avoiding confrontation.

Just going to revert to my usual habit of skipping church I guess.

But yeah:::: if God wanted me to be rich, maybe he'd let me win a bigger prize on the lottery. if the church really followed God, maybe they would buy my book.

Or maybe I'm just not allowed to have a big giant bank account. So::: that means to be a traveling preacher I'll have to learn to teleport. Who knows. Probably not while I'm in psychiatry.

One big reason a traveling preacher might need money is just to get around ----- but what do I know?

As a Mormon preacher, I would also need money to raise a family --- because Mormons are supposed to get married.

The really interesting thing:::: I know I'm comparatively wealthy compared to so many other people in western society, but it's really not that much ---- I was telling God about how me being as "wealthy" as I am seems kind of anti-climactic.

So::: how much am I worth?  About $4-5000CAD.

yes ------ actually being worth that much does actually make me comparatively wealthy, but it's not really that much when you really get down to it.

And that doesn't include getting paid for books and video games. I don't get paid for that.

Is $4-5000 really enough to travel and preach to the nations and raise a family and everything? Probably not.

But:::: My positive net worth does make me a comparatively wealthy person. It's just kind of anti-climactic is all.

Just not allowed to have an ultra-huge bank account I guess ----- as well apparently I also have to be only partially sighted it seems. Huh.

Thursday, September 6, 2018

Maybe it is magical

I was having moments of clarity where my normally "gimped" right eye was seeing things better and more clearer than it should have - without glasses.

Yesterday I visited the psychiatric clinic.

The psychiatric clinic has a history of telling me NOT to believe in magical or miraculous stuff. And then drugging me, and increasing dosages, for continuing to believe in it.

As I stood in the waiting area yesterday::: I felt very empty, hurt, heartbroken inside.

Mormonism would say this feeling means that psychiatry is not for me.

Another observation is that I might just be feeling empathic feelings that someone else present may have been feeling.

Anyway ---- I got my med. Yes, I started feeling better.

But my eye appears to be gimped again now.

In the days leading up to the injection, as my last injection was wearing off, there is commonly something I'll feel or experience that wouldn't happen if I had a dosage of drugs in me.

Like, without the medication I might start feeling a mania --- start feeling super good.

This time, I started feeling my right eye get better.

Now I've taken my med, and my eye isn't functioning as well as I thought it could moments ago.

But then again, the fixed eye was never really completely fixed ---- so who knows.

The best I can say about my "miraculous" experiences is this:::: when my right eye starts seeing clearly (and this past week isn't the first time this has happened) --- when my eye sees clearly it usually only lasts a little while.

I know there's some reality where my right eye won't be "gimped" anymore --- but it's not a common occurrence in this world, I guess.

Considering how bad I felt about standing in the psychiatric office:::: Mormonism teaches that feeling means I shouldn't be there ---- that psychiatry is really NOT for me.

Another line of thought would say I was just being empathic.

So:::: my eye got better, as my drugs were wearing off, I might add, but now that I'm on drugs again ---- My eye appears to have gone back to being "gimped".

Or maybe I'm just being subjective. Sort of. Who knows.

But::: yes::: my right did have moments of clarity it shouldn't have had.

And now::: My right eye isn't seemingly as clear anymore.

Monday, September 3, 2018

In the realm of magical

What I am about to say seems unbelievable --- it doesn't seem likely, it seems to be in the realm of a magical happening. I understand if you don't believe in magic, but what I'm about to say is still true.

I was wondering if I should hold off writing this post until tomorrow just to make sure this is really happening ----- but after experiencing this for long enough today, I'm pretty sure it's happening.

I will mention the lottery again, but the lottery is NOT what this post is actually about.

A little while ago I posted that I had won a prize in the lottery on 3 out of 4 attempts at that time.

The past week includes those 3 out of 4 attempts::: so now I'll tell you how my lottery has been for the past week:::::

I've won the lottery 4 out of 7 times in the past week.

This alone is a big deal since the odds of winning the smallest prize are 1 in 7.7.

But realize this also::: last Sunday I won the $30 prize, where the odds are 1 in 509.

It seems completely unbelievable --- I know ---- but it's absolutely true. I have the tickets in my possession to prove it. I also have June's tickets that prove that winning streak.

So::: what this post is really about:::::

I used part of the $30 I won to buy myself a pair of snazzy sunglasses.

For the past month or two, I've been noticing my prescription eyeglasses haven't really been working very well with my left eye anymore.

The problem:::: My left eye not only doesn't quite see properly through the lens anymore but in outdoor daylight conditions, I appear to have a blind spot in my vision in the position of the thing I'm looking directly at. I'm partially blinded, in outdoor daylight conditions.

So, I bought the pair of sunglasses to see if I can protect my left eye and not have a blind spot while I'm outdoors.

After wearing the sunglasses with my regular glasses, for a reason, I will not state I decided I shouldn't wear my prescription glasses anymore.

I was testing my eyes watching football ---- with sunglasses, without sunglasses, left eye, right eye, both eyes ------

Something amazing just happened:::::

Historically for the past several years, my left eye was my better eye and my right eye needed glasses to see anything clearly at a modest distance.

Well:::: today something changed.

The current weakness of my left eye (which I will note was properly focused without the eyeglasses, but still a little weak in actually seeing things like it's "darkened" in my left eye) appears to maybe have caused my right eye to shape up.

My eyesight in my right eye has drastically IMPROVED.

I'm not saying my right eye is perfect (yet) ------- but things that would have been blurry before now can appear plain and readable.

My left eye still functions clear and readable without eyeglasses --- with eyeglasses the image is fuzzy ----- but I noticed that the image in my eye is also good, but darkened because of whatever might be causing my blind spot.

My Dad wants me to see an optometrist.

I was figuring I should see an optometrist to for quite a while ---- but just today I'm noticing that my vision seems to, appears to basically to get better.

The final evidence that verified this fact to me is this:::: earlier today I noticed I needed my eyeglasses just to read text on my 1.4ghz mac mini monitor ---- I was unable to see text on the screen clearly without glasses ---- and that was just earlier today.

Just a moment ago I started reading on that same computer ------ And I've found that I no longer need glasses ---- my naked eyes are actually now capable of reading text on that computer screen.

The football scores on the tv were more readable,

visiting shops on the street outdoors I noticed I was able to read the signs without glasses -----

All just today. Boom. Eyesight doing much better.

At the same time, I won the lottery 4/7 times and that includes one of the big $30 prizes.

I know and am well aware that this story seems over the top, and unbelievable ----- except I'm just telling what I've experienced ----- this is my own personal truth.

I can only hope my eyesight will continue getting better and that I'll have more good experiences with the lottery.

Also in the past week::: when I talked to my Mom about me winning the lottery, she, as a devout Mormon, claimed there was nothing magical about me winning the lottery.

If this isn't magic, then who else is there to blame?

But to me, if I'm winning the lottery and getting healed eyesight at the same time ---- that is magical as far as I'm concerned.

To each, their own though ----- The Mormons said I'd witness and perform miracles, and then started forcing me on psychiatric drugs for believing in miracles --------

so maybe that is some kind of explanation for why my Mormon Mother has such a hard time believing that what's going on is in any way magical.

Can't win the argument. No point in trying.

To me, it's just a matter of thinking good things, saying good things, doing good things, asking God for good things, being thankful for the good things I get, and so on.

This is the power behind the magic in my life, I believe.

UPDATE::: the next morning

So::: my eyes are better, but far from being perfect.

I used to need glasses to read the TV or read text on my computer monitor. Now I don't need glasses for that ---- the naked eye works well enough.

But ------ I was just looking at some text in my house at a distance, and then tried it with my old prescription glasses ---

The glasses definitely make my right eye see better at that distance for that kind of writing. The amount of improvement in my right eye was limited.

My left eye? My left eye used to be my good eye ----- but in outdoor sunlight, I have a serious blind spot that hampers the vision in that eye.

I can see with my left eye --- and I have some evidence. that the sight might still be clear:::: but the problem is that the colors look a bit different than my right eye, and clearly seeing things with my left is not really happening.

So::: My left eye used to be my good eye. My right eie was my bad eye.

Now my left is diminished somehow ------ and my right has improved a limited amount.

Who knows. When I started seeing better with my right eye, that seemed magical. But it's not absolutely perfect ----- although I am able to see better with a little bit of squinting at a distance.

My left eye can see ---- but I clearly have a blind spot outdoors, and indoors the quality of the image is questionable.

No idea how this happened. It's weird because in the past year it was my right eye that took the "abuse" --- but now my right eye sees better, while my left eye was safe but has degraded. Weird.

Yeah, it seems magical --- maybe there's an explanation.

Saturday, September 1, 2018

Three Weddings & More

I guess it's the season.

Yesterday my Dad and I were dropping off and picking up my Mom at the Calgary LDS Temple --- and they were celebrating a wedding outside.

Today, something which usually never happens was happening::: the next door neighbors were holding a family wedding right next door!

So, this is a big reason why I felt like mentioning weddings.

I am told that wedding was administered by a Justice of the Peace.

While that wedding was happening, my family took off to the Zoo ------

when we visited the Butterfly House, we found yet another wedding party going on.

And the zoo was very busy.

So, good luck to these people with that, I'm mostly mentioning this since it's mostly just a big deal to see a wedding next door.

In other news::::::

I managed to finally fix my high-e string on my guitar. Sometimes the guitar sounds weird, but it plays.

The latest mention from that Japanese Softbank thing is that there was some kind of malicious something going on --- I can't remember, I translated the message this morning and the one word I remember in the translation was "malicious" ----- so I guess maybe I shouldn't trust it. Hah. I'm just confused about doing business with anyone actually, especially in Japan where I don't know the language. The thing that made the supposed business offer in Japan special was the amount of money offered. It was really special.  But, from the sales reports I've seen, it would be a big waste for whoever was spending it. But anyway, the message I got today is just making me think I should ignore that whole thing some more.

The one thing I felt like posting about before I heard about the weddings is this:::: I'm only 34 years old, and I already feel "worn out".  I endured my childhood, then spent over 10 years recovering from my childhood, and now that I'm enjoying life, I already just feel worn out.

But it's good to have a loving family. I felt a bit revitalized after my Mom saw a health condition that exists on my leg and in her wisdom as a doctor and a nurse she gave me her footstool and rubbed a cream on my health condition.  That must be why nurses are so awesome;:: they just do a job and find a way of helping a patient feel better.

yes -- My mom is/was a doctor, a nurse, and more.  She is extremely educated. Which may have helped inspire me to study and be smart in school when I was growing up.

Anyway, yeah, loving families are important, despite feeling so worn out earlier this morning, the simple caring act of "nursing" that my Mom performed on me seemed to give me a burst of energy to carry on my Day. Yay.

And I can remember one last thing to mention:::: My September Health Benefits Card from AiSH still hasn't arrived.  That really is odd!

Thursday, August 30, 2018

Another Update Today

Though I may have few people to talk to, it seems expedient to write down my thoughts and experiences in this blog. Better than keeping a journal. Better than writing emails too.

1) My AiSH Health Benefit Card for September still hasn't arrived. I think usually it would be here by now.

2) I'm really loving guitar ---- but today, as I was pleasing myself with some home-made music, my high-e string broke. I tried replacing it with a replacement that came with the guitar ---- I think I did something wrong and the replacement broke too. It's a pain to replace the strings, but I think I'm having a better idea in my mind about what I did wrong now actually. I hope.

I also will probably want to get a "music stand" someday ----- I bought some Christmas Sheet Music but I have no place to put the book where it would be handy to look at while playing.

3) Despite my absolutely "crazy" (or seemingly unreal) experiences, I feel like I am recovering from the worst parts of my "mental illness" when I was having problems.

But, I have absolutely grown completely used to the idea of not marrying, just living with my parents, where I am, actually, quite comfortable living.

When I was young, I had plans and ideas, a lot of which involved getting out of this house ----- but things went so absolutely wrong, that now I feel like I'm going to live here forever, and now I'm so comfortable it doesn't seem so bad.

If I were to marry, I'd probably have to move out. But I mostly stopped being interested in women.

If I were to get a real job doing something like --- who knows, books, games, maybe even music ---- you'd think I'd leave home, except I am introverted and can't drive, so I'm still basically disabled ----- and I don't make any money from anything I do anyway.

If it's not broke, don't fix it.

I am quite happy and comfortable to live at home with my parents. Especially as no one would pay me money for my work, I have nothing else better to do.

My Dad just called me. It's time to go.

So this blog post is basically just to talk about some recent things and what's on my mind. Not that it matters much. If you care, then thanks for caring.

It seems so unreal

Reality is strange.

What my reality is, most likely will seem like just fantasy and mental illness to someone else.

Like, seeing snazzily dressed 30s Jazz musicians at the Zoo, then finding they've followed me to the store ---- and then finding out I was the only one who could see them.

I've seen various "ghosts" and "angels" and I believe even Jesus -------

This, of course, is all written off as "just schizophrenia" by so many.

But what I'm about to say seems so unlikely that again, it doesn't seem real to some,

but it's absolutely 100% true.

How did I do it? Law of Attraction, Karma, basically just being a good and positive person through interaction with metaphysical laws ----- that's the best way I can describe how the following happened:::

About August or September or October 2017 ---- some time along those lines, I can't remember exactly which days.

I won $22 in profit on the lottery.

"big deal", you might think.

But the thing is::: I won that money after playing 4 times consecutively, and winning 5 out of those 4 times.

June of 2018

I won $1 in profit on the lottery.

Now you are rolling your eyes "really big deal" -----

But the thing is:::: I won the lottery 6/6 times in a row.

Now, just yesterday and the day before yesterday,

I broke perfectly even on the lottery.

Yeah----- again, I played 4 times and won 3/4 times.

It seems unbelievable --- but it's absolutely true.  I still have my lottery tickets from June and the past few days. But I'm probably going to cash in one of my tickets from yesterday so it won't last forever.

The best I understand, I'm just using Karma and the Law of Attraction to my advantage, by thinking, saying and doing good things. Being positive and good.

And it's working.

I would understand if you didn't believe me, but I'm saying this because I'm not sure what else to do about it.

Maybe I'm risking something by saying this, but who knows.

It's just a very interesting truth/fact of my life I've found.

It seems unbelievable ---- except it is the truth.

And I've got the proof from June, and I've got the last 3 days tickets here, they can be examined and verified, until I cash in one of yesterday's tickets.

The odds, the chances of this happening, are very very slim.

So, that just leaves me with a magical universe to believe in. No other option, other than to become paranoid and say "it's a conspiracy!"

Magic seems real enough to me now, like it has so for long.

I realize I might be risking something by saying this, but I just don't know what else to do about this situation other than mention it.

Was it actually legitimate?

So, a long while back, while the Discover Store was still running, I was receiving these Japanese emails at my OUYA iCloud address.

iCloud eventually decided these emails were SPAM ---- and my Japanese interpreter friend thought the emails were fake and couldn't be believed -------

but what the emails claimed to be and were offering me at face value was some kind of Disney or Sony type company (it was something like that, I couldn't tell which one) and they offered me a lot of yen -------

Of course, I took it with "a grain of salt", meaning it could have seemed real, but everyone was unsupportive, especially the one person I know who could have interpreted these messages for me ---- our Japanese friend didn't believe it was actually real.

Well, I decided to look at my Spam Box to see what the latest Japanese email said.

Apparently, someone from "" is trying to contact me.

It's all very confusing because I don't understand Japanese and I rely entirely on Google translate, and though there seems to be an air of reality about the emails, you can't really help but wonder if it's all just a deception.

Whatever the case ----- after all these months, I must be the worst person to do business with, especially since if this is real ------ I can't help but wonder if all the yen spent on me is just a waste, because nearly nobody ever buys anything from me and they'll probably never get their money back.

To be clear:::: I Have no idea what's going on.

if this is real, well, everyone on my end didn't believe it and was unsupportive ---- and I don't understand Japanese very well and basically I feel clueless.

If it's fake, then no wonder iCloud sends it to the Spam box.

I don't know what to believe anymore ----- I'm not sure if it was actual business or if I was just talking to some kind of Spam troll.

And it probably doesn't help that I am or was considered schizophrenic constantly being told I'm delusional.

I'm not sure what's going on or what it's all about ----- heck, I'm not even sure exactly which company was supposed to be depicted if it was Disney or Sony. Not sure. Or someone else maybe? I have no idea who exactly is even trying to buy me. :). Or if it's even really for real.

A long while back I tried to tell Avril about it since I'm sure she's done business with both Disney and Sony, but Avril was absolutely zero help in figuring this out. She never said anything.

I just don't know or understand entirely. And my "friends" basically offered no help or basically didn't believe it.

So:::: I'm just really bad at business now I guess.

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

I'm conflicted in my mind

I feel two opposite ways about the same thing. This is called "ambivalence".

One moment, I'll be praying that someone successfully sues the church, the next moment, I realize that even if my life didn't work out perfectly, that the church did me a whole lot of good.

I am wrong on both sides of the LDS debate.

I have historically taken the pro- stance AND the anti- stance.

I'm wrong both ways.

There's just no winning.

Some things about the church obviously don't make much or any sense and it can seem easy to write the whole thing off as one big disaster.

But I think about my life, my experiences, everything I've learned --- and where I've come to ----- and I realize the LDS Mormon church did me a lot of good.

The church probably could have turned out better in my life ------- but even where I did end up, the church can be seen as a benefit or beneficial.

There are good things about the church, and there are some less than great things about the church.

I am just psychologically very conflicted personally about what side to sit on.

The obvious answer at this point is to take a "neutral" position ------ but, unfortunately, I remember the church teaching when I was young that you can't be neutral, you have to be either for or against.

So obviously it's not perfect when "neutrality" is the obvious answer and the church says that's not allowed.

Maybe I've graduated from the LDS Church program.  I got my Sunday Education, I learned so much, I figured out so much, I am where I am.

Maybe the church is basically just a  place to raise kids, which I do not have.

I basically feel that I am just a graduate of the LDS Church program ---- I am much more educated now than I might've otherwise been without it.

And no, I don't think anyone should be spending their whole life with the church unless it's their "job" ---- there's enough discordance in the religion or church organization that you wouldn't want to be with it forever. Unless, somehow magically, everything just works out perfectly for you, maybe.

I learned and experienced so much, but the church did not work out perfectly for me.

I loved being a Mormon, and I learned much and I got to a good place in life with that knowledge.

Maybe Mormonism is like a coloring book or an activity book ----- but much broader in its scope and far more enthralling.

You know, at the age of 8, it's like being handed a "choose your own adventure" book and being asked if you can figure out the mystery, basically.

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Trying to Remember

I've started to wear a Cross Necklace.

Wearing this Cross Necklace seems to help remind me and think about what it means to be an actual Christian. (My brain is so full of the leftovers from Mormonism that I have to wonder how accurate my theology is sometimes)

Something interesting I noticed:::

My cross gives a quote from the Bible that says "I can do all things" (through Jesus, or somesuch like that) -----

So, I figured, "I guess that means I can finally fully stop masturbating now".

SO: what's important about that?

Last night as I was going to bed, I felt some level of the pangs of temptation again ----- I knew what I was feeling was supposedly trying to get me to commit sin -------- but, basically, I guess the magic of the cross helped me feel "separate" from that temptation, insomuch that I was able to go to bed that night without doing anything "naughty".

But here's the thing about the temptation I experienced, and this also is similar to past times when I stopped the sin but felt temptation then also:

You know how I believe my masturbation was originally caused by a ghost right? And you know about my belief in telepathy and empathy right?

Well, on this occasion, which is similar to a past occasion when I had stopped, I actually felt that the temptation was just me feeling someone else committing sexual acts.

It doesn't make sense maybe, it seems totally mind-bending ----- but basically I when I feel the temptation to masturbate, especially when I've stopped masturbating and am actively staying separate from that behavior ----- the temptation simply feels like A DIFFERENT PERSON who I might be somehow spiritually connected to, it feels like someone else is committing the act, and I just get to feel it to, and be tempted by it.

Yes, it's totally mind-bending, and I understand if you don't understand.

To me, it just feels like someone else is doing it, and I'm somehow telepathically connected to the experience, and though I'm doing dick squat I feel the same or close to similar feelings of a person actually engaged in the act, even though I'm not doing it myself.

The simple of it::: It's very hard to avoid the temptation and even harder to resist the temptation::: but In my mind I gave my new cross the magical ability to help me resist temptation ----- at which point I was able to resist, but the temptation started to feel like someone else telepathically connected to me was committing the act and I was feeling someone else doing it even though I myself was just trying to go to sleep.


I know, that probably doesn't make sense, but that's what it feels like.


So::::: there are times where I can feel like I'm being mind-controlled to look positively upon the Mormons and their Church and I start forgetting anything and everything wrong.

I just sit there thinking::: They had miracles. Good for them. They promote good morality. Good for them.

I mean, for some reason it's like I'm mind-controlled to think at a very basic- face value level about the church, and I might even start thinking that they are actually really good people.

But just as I was talking to my brother today, the discussion reminded me of some problems with the whole church I'll bring up here:::::

NOWHERE in any of the Standard Works is masturbation specifically or explicitly banned or considered sinful. From the Bible, to the book of Mormon, to the D&C and pearl of great price, as far as I am aware, there's nothing that specifically and explicitly bans and forbids masturbation.

Yet::::: Growing up the church, they made it very clear masturbation is forbidden, and there were very real penalties for breaking that rule.

WHILE on the other hand, in The Book of Mormon AND in the New Testament JESUS makes it VERY CLEAR that it is adultery to marry a divorced woman.  In fact, even the MGTOW videos of today can clearly explain WHY it's wrong to marry a single mother.

And yet the church totally allows adulterous marriage in the temple even though it's against the rules of the actual scriptures.

SO:::: Though there's not a complete logical or scriptural reason to ban masturbation, the Mormons are vehemently against the behavior.

While the scriptures and actual logic dictate why it's wrong to marry a single mother, and the church is totally A-OK with this behavior.

Obviously, something is wrong here. I just thought I'd mention that.

Something just isn't making sense.

The worst philosophy against masturbation I can think of is that it's a nuisance, so don't if you don't have to.

But if you have to do it, as the case commonly is, then do it. Not really a big problem either. Generally, masturbation is usually a solution rather than the disease.

It's not scripturally banned, and it's a logical thing to do for men, and yet the church hates it.

While adultery is scripturally banned, and it's not even logical ----- yet the church will totally allow it.

Just really, really confusing.

SO::: the point of the bottom half of this blog post is to say::::

I can feel totally mind controlled to really like Mormons and Mormonism sometimes,

but it doesn't take much digging in my knowledge of experience or learning in the church to realize something is either very wrong or questionable.

Monday, August 20, 2018

Wishful Thinking

I talked to my parents::: My last post where I speculated that the Government of Alberta invested in me and then takes the money I earned as a return on their investment doesn't sound realistic to them.

My parents believe at face value what the internet says about most people being broke and in deep debt and all that ---- and that they just wouldn't buy anything I built.

To me, I don't feel any better thinking that people just don't like me or my work, so I have to "delude" myself into believing that I sold many copies, but something else took the money, like the government.

According to the pirating sites, I am well aware that people were interested in my work and that these people just wouldn't pay ------ but I like to imagine there were even more people who actually paid me---- even if the sales rankings don't show it.

I delude myself to make myself feel happy at this point.

But I realize that the facts at face value say that people just didn't want to give me any money.

I was just thinking about how I was such a good student:: I had such a future ahead of me.

But, low self-esteem and basically negative comments from people around me (including negative comments to myself in my own self-dialogue) kind of dropped me down to a point where the only way I'm getting by is through psychiatric treatment.

The Book of Mormon teaches humility over pride.

Though it's true that humility leads to exaltation, too much humility can lead to one's own downfall I think.

I just have to realize that most OUYA developers didn't earn much and that most self-published authors don't earn much.

It's depressing for me::: because my life story is absolutely amazing in some of the things that happened, and yet people just won't pay me the smallest price for anything I did.

I'm forced to live on a Government benefit system because the average normal person in society apparently can't be trusted to pay an honest price for a book or a video game.

One of the Good Things about Mormonism is it tried to teach moral uprightness::: it tried to teach doing the right thing even if everyone else isn't doing the right thing.

I know it's so easy to rage against the Mormons sometimes, but the truth is,

Most of the people who ever paid me for my work were actually Mormon.

It's true that the Mormons didn't all take interest in me like I would have hoped::::

But when I think about all the copies of The Book of Finch that I sold, a lot of my books sold to Mormons, of the books that did sell.

Mormonism may be very questionable, but I can't argue with the fact that of the people who read my book, most notably specifically the Mormons were the type who would ACTUALLY PAY FOR IT.

I haven't sold very many books, but many of the books I am aware I sold, I know I sold to MORMON PEOPLE.

While the rest of the internet was content just to rip me off.

This is one reason why I don't write off the Mormon church completely:::: OK, mostly I don't pay attention to them anymore, but I often find myself thinking positive things about some of the things I learned in the church.

The church is very questionable, but there has to be something said for the stalwart morality they try to teach.

I have to wonder if the world tries to hold moral grounds against me or if the world as a whole is immoral.

Like I've said before, I've been hated since my childhood by my own siblings, and it was just downhill from there.

Does anyone have any real legitimate reason to take grounds against me, or is it just a common flaw in human psychology that it's so hard to get along and do the right thing?

Thursday, August 16, 2018

I've got a lot to talk about here

I've got so much on my mind to talk about, I'm not even sure I'll remember to say it all.

Last Sunday a popular financial show on Youtube had a segment where they talked about someone who I'm pretty sure was on the AiSH program here in Alberta. This youtube show is usually discussing American things, but this time it was Alberta's AiSH recipients.

The person in question wanted to buy a house, especially using insurance money. The advice given was to create a new career post-disability.

It was actually from this show that I learned about a new feature of the AiSH program which was apparently not widely publicized, because I had to do a Google search to find out the details about it.

So::: On aish, the maximum living allowance is $1588CAD per month, and your maximum asset limit is $100,000.

In this show, I learned there's another maximum asset limit of $3000 ---- this asset limit pertains to recipients of AiSH who make use of further AiSH benefits in the "personal benefits" or "child benefits" categories.

NOTE::::: I do not receive any extra benefits personally, I am just on the $1588 ---- I do have over $3000 in financial assets.

My goal is also to buy a house ----- which means I have to hit it really big on a project.

But here's the thing:::

I looked up recent aish news on google ----- to find out when the new Personal benefits came into effect.

I found no mention of "personal benefits" ---- but I did find a news article from 4 months ago that said there's new room for disabled people in Alberta to have more wealth.

The news article said that the goal is for the government to see disabled persons as "Investments" rather than as "lost money".

The lightbulb is flashing in my head.

Now I am reasonably certain of something:::::: The government of Alberta probably or mostly actually does take the money I earn.

I was an investment when they forced me on drugs and aish. They forced me into this disability program because I WAS AN INVESTMENT.

I remember the idea was that I was supposed to be fixed up so I'd get back into working order again.

So:::: In plain terms, chances are I actually "belong" to the Province of Alberta.

The reason I accepted AiSH is because after all the bullcrap of my childhood, the situation was so dire in my life, especially with a father who was usually unemployed and we were very poor.

I needed AiSH money in order to do pretty much anything interesting with my life - so I was forced on AiSH and the meds as an INVESTMENT OF THE GOVERNMENT.

Right now I'm just having this delusion that I am basically like a crown-corporation or something.

You never know:: I might be.

My memory isn't always very good. I just have some small idea in my head that the government invested in me, so when I make money with my work -- they are the ones who take that money.

The GOOD news::: being on AiSH and then working on a big project PAYS OFF.

Maybe it doesn't pay off as well as it would if I had been paid all the money personally from my earnings,

but the thing is:::: After publishing the Book of Finch, the monthly living allowance was increased by $400 ----- that's about a 30% increase, which is VERY SUBSTANTIAL.

After building all the video games ---- Now there are new Personal benefits and Child Benefits for those on the program who aren't saving like mad like I have been.

I just have some idea that the whole idea was to get me to be working disabled ---- and as such Alberta now has a very prestigious disability program (in Canadian terms) --------- the more we work and publish and earn money as disabled people ---- the more the Government of Alberta improves our benefits.

It's kind of like a provincially based communist community. For disabled people of course.

I wonder how much I've ever really earned on all my projects.

A number of years ago:::: I found a used copy of one of my books priced at 2.6 million dollars on Amazon:::: was that a clue?

Who knows how contrived the information I see on the internet is. Who knows.

So:::: After telling my psychiatrist yesterday about all that's been going on, and then telling her my financial situation I said "so, I'm surviving".

She said "Sounds like you are MORE than just surviving".

Life is getting better.

It's just too bad that I have to have less than $3000 of savings before I have any chance of receiving greater personal benefits.  How am I supposed to save up to buy a house if extra money is has such a low asset limit on it?

I understand why the government would put an asset limit on extra money::: so they don't have to spend that extra money on people who are capable or who are likely to save so much.

Basically:::: If you can save over $3000 --- then obviously you don't need extra help do you?

That's how I see the logic.


Earlier today one of my sisters and her kids were at our house.

I pulled out my guitar and started playing a bit ----- I know two songs, though the second song I'm not sure I'm doing it right -------

My niece said she wants a guitar ---- because she likes they way guitars sound.  She's a little musician --- she can play keyboard and recorder already.

Then later my other sister was at our house ---- her son now is learning the Ukelele. She thinks he now knows 4 chords. Awesome.

So::::: NOW my family is MUCH more musical than it was when I was a kid. My parents didn't really raise us kids with musical ability.

In school, my brother learned some guitar ----- but the guitar belonged to the school, and my parents were to poor to buy him one.

So:::: I was so poor, and I needed the government disability investment.

But yeah::::: In music class when I was in elementary school::: The best I could do is learn one bit of one song on keyboard ------- other than that I was a hopeless goner in music.

I was "lucky" I didn't have to do too much music because it was a subject I didn't really understand-----

but now, as an adult, I have a much better idea of what I'm doing. Music looked so hard and complicated when I was young ----- but now it's much easier to comprehend.

I've ordered a book that should help me learn Christmas Songs for Guitar. We'll see.


And FINALLY:::::: What is my next project going to be????

I'm leaning towards going back into the development business, like my new friends suggested -----

But I'm not going to go back into debt to pay for a project ------ so I'm going to start saving my money.

BUT---- this next month I'm planning on acquiring new eyeware, so that might cost a bit.

Maybe I could build a game for my phone on my current mac mini ---- but if I want to use Unity 3D, then I'm going to want a new mac mini. If I'm going to use Java --- I want a new Mac Mini.

Also:::: My current Mac mini has the 1gigabyte Fusion drive, and an external 2 terabyte hard drive -----

I'm using up SO MUCH hard drive space. I would want a new mac mini with a nice big hard drive. At least a 2terabyte fusion drive.

So:::: the costs add up, so it's likely going to be a while before I save enough to build another project.

I'll also need an idea for a project. I'm always or usually able to think of my own ideas, but I don't have one yet.

So:::: At very least, we'll have to way until the new mac mini models are released this fall.  And then we have to wait for me to have the money saved to buy what I need.

I just have to say:::: I do feel encouraged by my new "friends" ---- before I was wondering if people just hated me -----

Now I have some vocal social support from people I don't know, and I also now have some idea that the government likely just takes what I earn because I am an investment.

I like games, I like developing, and I like improving my benefits with what I earn. It's worthwhile.

Canada's a good country ---- Living like I do, like a socialist, isn't so bad::: it's a stable and reliable income. The worst that's happened so far is I had to pay for my own expensive medical procedure and that set my personal economy into stagnation.

NOTE::: My memory is bad enough that at this point the idea that the government just takes what I earn might still just be speculation.

But it seems also to be most likely what's going on. To me at least.

Monday, August 13, 2018

Information appearing in my mind

I was just sitting in my chair by my desk, wondering how it is that I would need medication only directly after I got my LDS Patriarchal blessing ------

and then my mind was hit with information about what I'll call a "possibility" of why my life changed so drastically in so many different directions at the same time.

SO:::: the following is "speculation", which is based on thoughts that just magically entered my head, and as such, they may be "delusion" which means they might not be true ---- except the idea is kind of seeming plausible.

This is what I would call "telepathic information" ----- nobody said anything physically to me, but I heard it in my mind.


The big idea I got is that the reason I was dumbed down and then forced on drugs which would result in making me a much bigger person is this:::::

Someone wanted me to be a football player.

In Grade 10 Physical Education class, there was a unit where we would go to the school gym and lift weights.

I know one of the teachers personally observed me on one of the leg-weight machines, and what I did on the leg weight machine was lift the maximum amount of weight I possibly could on that machine.

Combined with my large stature, maybe there was some idea that was going around that I could be a football player.

So after I got m patriarchal blessing,  I was met with a conflict::::::

On one hand, my personal agreement with God and the patriarch's words that I would serve GOD --- as a traveling preacher to the nations.

On the other hand, another force wanted me on drugs which would cause me to gain serious weight which might make me desirable for football. Also:: being considered schizophrenic and being on drugs would cause me to NOT serve the mission the patriarch had prophecied.

It was basically a situation where the church gave me "crazy" ideas or beliefs, and then my parents didn't have the intellectual ability or even desire to actually follow the church completely -------

According to what I understand now, there are some real myths or dishonest information that can really get passed around in society ----- and one of the things my Dad held to was a belief in brain chemicals, brain medication ------ and he never really fully accepted any doctrine of Demons actually being real and he basically had this problem that he was raising me in a church that he didn't fully believe in or follow himself.

SO:::::: maybe in order to make me a football player, the whole schizophrenia thing overtook my Dad's mind and he easily crumbled under the pressure to take me to mental illness land.

The truth is, my Dad wasn't a full-time believer in the church ---- so taking my church beliefs, then telling me I'm schizophrenic for them and forcing me on drugs for it was right up his alley.

And I just experienced thoughts being planted in my brain that the idea was to turn me into a football player.

If that's really true or not:: I don't really know, though telepathy exists there's no law that says it has to be honest or 100% accurate.

Of course, one aspect of what I was just thinking may MIGHT'VE been due to the fact that one of the people who contacted me the other day apparently plays or played Football. Not sure if this is the real reason, but it's worth noting.

SO::: the news here is that I was just hearing thoughts that gave me a new perspective on why they would want to dumb me down and make me gain weight:::: Football.

Sunday, August 12, 2018

My Most Honourable Male Friend

I was thinking about my friends when I was young.

In my last post I know I painted my male friends as troublemakers who were bad influences.

But that wasn't entirely true.

Everyone is imperfect, as they say, but when I thought about the different things I knew about my different friends ----- I have one male non-Mormon friend who stands out as being "more honorable" than the rest, as far as I knew him.

He and I didn't get along perfectly ---- but he was my friend, we grew up together, and I am not aware of anything so seriously wrong with him like could be said about so many of my friends.

Here's my clue as to who he was:::

He was my one and only friend who had a Nintendo and would invite me over to his house, and we would play his Nintendo.  He had seen so much Nintendo he had less interest in it than I, and would often take me out for bike rides.

he was also part of the "Sk8er" group in my grade 10 foods class, the group of friends that made me comparable to Avril's Sk8er Boi song.

He and I didn't get along perfectly, but he was, in fact, one of the Most honorable friends I think I had. He wasn't perfect, but he wasn't completely defective like so many were though.

What I was trying to say in my last blog post was that my "good influence Mormon friend" was disallowed from being friends with me, while all kinds of my "bad influence non-Mormon friends" were totally being permitted.

The fact that I had one non-Mormon friend who was actually honorable is just being noted so that not all "non-Mormons" are painted as bad.  What's weird is, that Sk8er group I was part of in Grade 10 foods was probably closest to being one of the most beneficial friendship groups I've ever been in ---- and I almost became the outcast or bad guy myself BECAUSE I WAS MORMON.  But they accepted me!  Amazing isn't it?

But that Grade 10 Foods group of friends only lasted for a little while in that small specific class during that time at school. It was over when the class was over.

ALSO::::: There were a couple of young men from the Mormon youth group who did accept me as a personal friend when I was young ----- I did have friends in the Mormon youth group ----- BUT BOTH OF THEM LEFT THE CHURCH WHEN THEY WERE STILL YOUTH AND DID NOT REALLY WANT TO ATTEND.

The only two guys who were Mormons who also specifically befriended me, both of them actually left the church shortly before I decided to high-tail it out of there too.

So:::: of the Mormon friends I did have ---- they did not stay Mormon.

and the ONE Mormon friend I had who was "Mormon and 'good influence' and didn't leave the church" ---- that friendship was forced to an end by those who had control.

Saturday, August 11, 2018

More Thoughts and leanings

Today I went for a long drive.

As I rode in the car, I had some thoughts about how strange the church's decisions in my life were.

I'll explain:::::

These days, I don't really have real friends like I used to when I was a kid ----- there is a big difference between the type of relationships I would have now versus the relationships I would have with FRIENDS when I was younger.

But something really concerns me as strange regarding the church's influence on friends in my life.

I had Annie Liability as a friend, and I had a bunch of male friends.

My male friends were typically non-members, so they didn't believe in Mormonism, they all held completely different philosophical values from the church ----- and as such, they could be bad influences, and in fact, I realize they could be considered troublemakers at that young age.

Annie Liability was the same religion as me, she was a Mormon and she tried to be what she understood to be a good influence on me ----- she was different from my other friends, but she was trying to have a positive impact on my life --- as far as she understood positivity, as far as I remember.

SO:::::: If my male friends were all non-Mormon troublemakers who could be bad influences,

while Annie Liability was a Mormon who tried to impress some kind of good value system in me as she understood it ------

WHY ON EARTH is it that the LDS MORMON church decided that I wasn't allowed to be friends with my "good" influence while they had absolutely no problem with my bad influence friends?

I tried to help Annie feel happy, and she helped keep me interested in life ------ yet the church absolutely demolished that friendship ----- she and I were both members, we were trying to impact each other in a good way, and yet the friendship just wasn't allowed.

While my other friends were not Mormons, and the church appeared to have zero problems with the bad influence they could potentially have had on my life.

I'm not allowed to be with my fellow Mormon good influence friend while I am allowed to be with a bunch of troublemakers who probably didn't help me that much.

Something just isn't making sense about the church's decision making. Not making sense at all.

And you want to know what's kind of sad??? The boys in my own quorum at church ----- they were basically just "church" friends ---- they never really were and never really became actual real close friends.

I basically grew up in the church environment but never got really close to the other members except for Annie Liability ----- who was taken away ---------

while the church had zero problems with potentially bad influences in my life.

It's just really confusing you know? I don't understand.

The other Mormons basically just didn't accept me ------ and let me be friends with non-Mormons ------

but when Avril Lavigne wanted to be my friend (as near as I could understand the communications I saw at the time) ----- OH NO --- the church definitely CAN'T allow that --------

even though they previously had zero problems with me being involved with non-Mormon influences.

I am just really, really confused here.  It's not making sense.

So::::  I'm just not clear in my mind about many of the decisions the church made in my life.

Another problem decision that comes to mind that I've mentioned before is this::::

I was a real smart kid ---- I was a top student.

As I grew in the church, I've eventually come to understand that the church DID NOT WANT me to be intelligent.  They really-really WANTED to dumb me down.

This can be explained especially when the Bishop's daughter and my sisters appeared to be deliberately trying to drive me insane, especially even through the chanting of some weird magic.

So:::: though the church, as I now understand, was actually deliberately trying to dumb me down because they actually didn't want people who were actually smart ----------

for some reason, after I lost my mind they decided I needed to take psychiatric medications in order to make me smart again.


I'm just kind of confused.  They wanted me to be dumb. My patriarchal blessing did not say go to higher learnings institutions. My sisters and the bishop's daugther deliberately wanted me to lose my mind -------

and though it appears the church's goal was actually to make me not-smart, for some reason it suddenly became important to make me smart again through the use of psychiatric medications.

The thing is:::: the patriarch blessed me with an especially blessed mind ------- so it's weird his special blessing didn't just cure the schizophrenia, and it's weird that a drug that could easily be considered to be against the word of wisdom was actually determined to be that special blessing for my mind, even though before the blessing I had no need of such drugs before.

Something is really messed up about that.

Just more decisions that don't make sense.

They wanted me to be dumb ----- and then they wanted to smarten me up again with drugs even though their magic powers should have been perfectly capable of fixing me without medication.

Just so strange the decisions they were making.


And finally,

I have some interesting news about my leanings on my financial plans::::

Previously, I figured I would just invest money that I received for the next while ------

But the law of attraction must have some real effect because having been asked to build another game, I feel more inclined to just save my money in a savings account until I have enough to buy everything need to get started on another project ---- and I don't even have an idea for a game yet.

Another force guiding me to just save my money in savings account rather than investment right now is I'm realizing I should probably get a new prescription and new glasses, so saving my money might be good for that too.

So. Hmmmm. Just inside of me, in my heart and in my thoughts, simply having been requested to build another game I am leaning towards saving for equipment and game development rather than just investing it.

Just the way I feel right now. I am pretty certain that other's use of the Law of Attraction can have effect on me, not only in this situation where another game is requested,

but also in the situation where my sisters wanted me to lose my mind, and also in the situation where my friends at school could have been a bad influence.

The Law of Attraction seems like something reasonable to believe in to me.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

I received some encouragement

After all this time having my games for sale ----- I said people could write comments suggestions and bug reports to me -------

but today was probably one of the earliest personal contacts from the OUYA community - a couple guys decided to chat with me.

We talked about a bunch of stuff or a bit of stuff which was almost a bunch -----

I just feel appreciated now ---- he/they encouraged me to build another game. They were fans.

So that was nice.

I might not have mentioned this on my website, but I noticed the day they decided to contact me was AUGUST 8th 2018 -------


Huh. yeah. It seems foreboding. Or at least a bit historical in someone's life.

So yeah ----- turns out there are other people out there ------ and they did enjoy my games, and did want me to continue with the business.

We'll see ----- I would need a new creative idea, funding for the new version of Unity, equipment, app store publishing access -------- and it's hard to think of sinking the money at this point when historically sales seemed so dismal.

But it was really nice of them to encourage me. They even said they'd check out my book! Hah ---- we'll see.

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

I Built a Mac Utility!

Using my 1.4ghz Mac Mini and XCode I've managed to build a utility.

I figured I wanted an easy way to monitor processor usage on my mac --- especially when the screensaver is turned on,

so I built a utility that beeps and records every second that my mac uses over a user-specified percentage of processing power.

You can specify if you want to monitor User CPU usage, System CPU usage, or both at the same time.

So::: rather than keeping the Activity Monitor open and letting it chew up resources -- with much less processor usage I can now get a good idea of when your CPU is being used, now even when the screensaver is turned on!

I'm pretty happy with myself for figuring this one out.

I'm thinking I might try selling this utility plus my two other mac apps in my bitcoin store ----- but we'll wait and see before we're sure I want to.

Oh sure, I could set up a website and let people download my little programs for free ----- but then I'd likely be paying for the website and I'd see no income -----

Therefore I can save my money by not setting up a website, and then make money by having people pay me bitcoin for my apps. Sounds good to me.

So yeah, I've got a little "CPU Usage Checker" app now. I feel like I've accomplished something.

Maybe I'll eventually sell it in my bitcoin store.

I just have to hope that people will finally start wanting to actually spend their bitcoins or spend their money on anything I might try.

I'm getting used to the dearth of sales ----- but considering the cheapness of my e-products historically I basically have to scratch my head about how people just wouldn't pay anything.

Monday, August 6, 2018

My Progress

I post on this blog because my portal tells me people do visit this site. Who knows why ---- maybe to check up on me after the dark history my life had to go through.

Don't worry, things are really lightening up in my life ----- the worst part about my life today is the persistent memories of the past, and a small amount of continuing problems with one member of my family (not much we can do about that though and it's not a big deal).


In Guitar:::  My C-Chord still has problems.  My other chords all sound "strummy".  My C-Chord sounds "plucky". It's just not right. I get my fingers in the right position, but it just, often, doesn't turn out right. Pray for my C-Chord.

As for using my 1.4ghz Mac Mini with only 4gb of RAM when updating Bitcoin Core -----

I increased my "dbcache" to about 800 - I think ---- I have "par" set to -1 and

I noticed that the way it seems to run best or fastest is to set the NICE on the app to 20 and then move my cursor into a corner and let the hot corner turn on the screensaver.

Just a moment ago I came back from 15 minutes of the app updating this way, and I was getting 0.12 or 0.13 percent per hour.  After turning off the screensaver::: the update process did begin to slow down again.

so::: to check your nice:::

the command is:

ps -O nice -p (your process PID here)

To update your nice::::

sudo renice 20 -p (your process PID here)

And lastly, I thought I'd try developing a small utility on this new 1.4ghz machine -----

I have to say, this is a slow machine.  A faster machine would really speed up the process I'm sure.

And I still have to figure out exactly what I'm doing to build that small utility anyways.

Who knows if I'll ever figure it out.


In the manpages it's confusing to figure out if -20 or 20 is high priority.  I've come to understand from experience that 20 is most likely high priority. I might be wrong. The documentation is confusing.

Friday, August 3, 2018

New Information about my slow computers

So in a recent blog post I tried to give a bit of a review of my new refurbished 1.4ghz mac mini and used the updating of my bitcoin core client as a "benchmark" on how fast my computers ran, in comparison.

I said my 1.4ghz mac mini would go 100% on one core for about half an hour and get quite a bit of work done -----

while my quad core pentium linux laptop seemed very slow.

Well, I figured some things out:::

1) I reconfigured the bitcoin.conf file on my linux laptop. Now bitcoin core on my quad core pentium runs A LOT faster.  I fixed it somehow.

2) My 1.4ghz mac mini started to really-really slow down when downloading the information ------

so I decided to scrap the new fresh download of the bitcoin blockchain and just transferred the entire wallet from my 2012 mac mini to my new mac mini using file transfer.

Copying the wallet using file transfer was definitely the faster way to go ----- but the problem persists where updating the blockchain on my new computer is exceedingly slow, regardless of how I try to configure bitcoin.conf.

So:::::: I know when I first tried doing bitcoin core that I could very easily see the program working at 100% on one core on my mac -------- but after a while, and no matter how I try to fix it, these days I am very lucky if I happen to get to 20% processor usage ---- it spends much time using only about 5% of one core.

So, configuring my Linux Laptop the laptop became a lot, lot faster.

While without anything changing my new mac mini slowed down completely, and now that I'm trying to play with the bitcoin.conf file here too ----- not much seems to make any difference.

It feels like some exterior force is really throttling down this mac mini. I don't see why it was perfectly capable of running at 100% for a good long while, but now barely reaches 20% on the same application doing the same thing.


Today I tried checking my email on my Linux Laptop ---- and google was giving me a hard time.

Then google started alerting me to my own login attempt.

I will just explain here on my blog:::: the reason the login attempt seems so suspicious from my Linux Laptop is just yesterday our ISP came out and gave us a new modem ----- and this modem changes a whole bunch of stuff, so it probably also changed our DHCP IP address as well ---- and that might be why my email checking on my laptop seemed suspicious to google's automation.

Nothing to really be concerned about though.

Sunday, July 29, 2018

A Very Special Birthday

Today is my 34th birthday. It has been a very special day for me for two big reasons I can think of at this moment:::

1) You know how since I was like, 13 years old I had been calling myself the name "Finch" as an online gaming moniker?

Well, today, on my birthday, "Santa Sparrow" came for a visit. I'm not kidding ----- a Sparrow decided to come down our chimney. This has never happened with a bird before --- so it's very coincidental that it would happen on my birthday.

For all concerned, my Dad was able to safely free the bird and send it on its way back outdoors. It flew straight out.

2) For as long as I can remember, every time I had a birthday ------ someone from the Mormon/LDS Church would ALWAYS contact me for my birthday.

This year is the FIRST YEAR that I received NO CONTACT from the church over my birthday.

I guess what I told the Bishop last year was just too logical for him to want to contact me again.

I did receive contact from someone I knew at church earlier this year (not birthday related) ---- but a simple message about how the church always says "Forgive everything" and then the church consistently failed to forgive me of anything ---- that message stopped her from continuing with me.


The church said they wanted me to be a traveling preacher to the nations. If they really want me to do that job ----- then why isn't the church buying my books?

The church behaves all friendly and they want me to do all this expensive work for them ------ but when it comes down to brass tax ------- 99.999% of them fail to buy anything from me.

If the church REALLY wanted me to serve as their preacher ---- you'd think they'd go ahead and buy my book!!! OMG.

Rather than telling me to work miracles and then forcing me on drugs for believing in miracles.

Yeah ---- something just wasn't working out there.

In other news:::::

I know I made mention of an idea I had that I could get a business internet connection and set up my own server so I can serve my games and stuff to the internet myself.

But then I had a discussion with my Dad about how it makes more sense for people to PAY ME to send them my files (like in email), rather than for me to pay more so others can avoid paying me.

So::::: if I release any more projects or files or anything;::: expect it in my bitcoin store for a fee and not a free download,

because we decided to lock in with a cheaper home connection for 2 more years rather than splurge on a more expensive business connection.

No Krisattfield server today, sorry.

Saturday, July 28, 2018

A Little Bit of Work

I wrote a blog post (which I deleted after a day) where I complained about how my Mom wouldn't let me play my guitar at a family event.

At another recent family event, I was permitted to play my guitar. Yay.


The real news:::

My brother-in-law still has lots of work to do on his current project for a local public entity ---- so there's no way he'll work on anything else any time soon (I'm guessing) and because it's his business, and because I haven't talked to him about it for a while, there's really no guarantee that I'd be able to convince him to figure out how to build houses for homeless people.

Again, that houses for homeless people idea was what I would have done if I had made 20=50million on my past projects.

The only reason the idea is still an issue is because I was saying if God handed me a lottery win I could do such a thing anyway. Just shortly after those statements, the local federal government decided to spend a couple billion dollars on such projects, so that was *kind of* like the lottery win I was looking for --- not that I know how to access the federal funding, nor do I know how to build houses by myself. I was going to forget the issue until a little while ago I received a big construction supplies catalog from Edmonton which was pretty interesting.

But really, it's up to my brother-in-law ---- he's the guy who does that stuff.  If I had made my money on my past projects, I could easily just have hired him to help me with my idea. So who knows how to access federal funding? I don't know. So, No promises.....

But the whole reason I'm reminding you of the above storyline is this:::::

Today I was actually able to help my brother-in-law in an aspect of his business on his current project! Yay! Of course, I was just involved in a technical aspect, not in a real sweat-of-the-brow way ------- but, nonetheless, my brainpower actually helped my brother-in-law achieve a goal at his current work-place ------ I basically happened to be the cog in the machine that really got things moving ----- with my thinking.

This might sound like I'm "tooting my own horn" ------

But after losing my elite schooling to severe mental illness, going through years of "mental deprecation" due to the illness ----- and now recovering and actually doing something useful that only I appeared to be able to do ------- yes ------ after knowing what it's like to be down and out, and now getting back into gear, I am actually feeling quite proud of myself.

Mormonism teaches against pride or pridefulness ------ but I think the extreme humility I tried to express in my childhood may have helped lead to my downfall -------

So now, yes I'm just tooting my own horn over what a good job I did helping my brother-in-law at his business. Yippeee.

That's the big news story of the day. As well as, I figured I should find something to talk about on my blog.

Friday, July 20, 2018

Forgiveness and Mercy

I know I said in my last post that it's uncool to steal --- and it is uncool to steal, especially from me ---

but, following Jesus, looking for forgiveness points, and having not much better to do ---- engaging in a mercy or forgiveness of the situation seems like the way to be.

I'm not exactly condemning anyone for stealing my books ---- I just want to point out that it's better if you pay for it. Karma will smile upon you more.

There's also the possibility that I don't see sales perhaps, maybe because the government hides them from me. Like --- it seems possible that my local government of Alberta might be going behind my back to take my earnings, so I can repay my AiSH Benefits, for the benefits and the meds and treatment, and maybe even pay for my future benefits. You never know.

I really like sitting here wondering how I don't see sales ---- but there might be a legitimate reason for it.

of course, my MLA's office said that there are no "secret taxes" ---- so who knows.

Another Youtube video I watched yesterday said that most self-published authors only sell a few of their books each. Now that seems normal to me. The one who sells thousands of dollars worth is the rare exception. That makes more sense.

Me? I sold a few ------- and according to many numerous pirating sites I have been ripped off many, many times. People just don't want to pay.

I basically have to think back to my life before I got AiSH ---- realizing that if you don't have benefits like I do, then having money to spend on things is incredibly difficult unless you got a good start in life and have something to do that pays well enough.

I remember before when AiSH was closer to $1000 per month that it was extremely difficult to even then to feel wealthy ---- constantly in debt with no end in sight, not having all the toys you'd want and therefore just being unable to pay a debt off. Just enough to service a debt, not enough to buy all the toys you want and pay it off.

So:::: We got a new premier elected, AiSH was increased to a generous amount, and now I am living well. I just have to remember what it's like being poor, so I understand how people have been unable to pay the smallest price for anything.

I am very thankful for Alison Redford's (the ex-Alberta Premier) AiSH increase. It basically makes up for or is a substitute, for the revenue I should have received from book and video games sales.

Without the $400 AiSH increase I would be in a very bad condition ------ I wouldn't be able to afford my dental implant, I wouldn't be able to pay my debt off as easily, I might not have the computer hardware I have now ------- Alberta has been very good to me. Except for all the reasons why I got put on AiSH ---- I got put on AiSH because I went psychotic from all the mistreatment I received in life. Wish the $400 AiSH increase, I'm finally able to be basically happy and comfortable with my life.

Of all the hundreds and thousands of people who just wouldn't pay me for anything ----- the $400 increase makes up for that.

I just have to remember how it is to be poor, so I can have sympathy for those who couldn't afford my work and so I can forgive.

But in all seriousness::::: You get what you give.

I gave so much in my life, and somehow good things are returned to me. Yay.

So:::: The thumb pick we bought at a mall the next town over was enough to significantly improve my C Chord on guitar. My first performance is tomorrow for my nephew's birthday party.

I have my refurbished 1.4ghz Core i5 Mac Mini now.

It is surprisingly quite usable. It's not as snappy or quick as my 2012 mac mini (which has more RAM and a fusion drive), but it'll work for what I'm using it for.

Things about it:

1) My HDMI-VGA adapter didn't work with it. Luckily, I had a mini-DisplayPort-to-VGA adapter instead.

2) It came with Mac OS 10.13.4. To upgrade to the latest 10.13.6, I had to go to the apple support website and manually download what's called a COMBO update. That worked.

3) This mac mini, with its dual-core 1.4ghz and 3mb of L3 cache, is like my Intel NUC with dual core 1.6ghz and 2mb of L2 cache --- it's like that computer in that it updates Bitcoin Core faster than my laptop which runs a quad-core Pentium at over 2ghz but with only 256k of L2 cache per core. In this example, it's clear to see that it's the cache that counts and not the cores or the clock speed.

4) It took a good long while before this new mini discovered all my files which already existed on iCloud Drive.

5) It's basically just a dumb-terminal for me, for web browsing, email, music, and any task that's small enough for this computer to handle. My 2012 mac mini is where all the more intensive tasks will take place.

So::: why do I have so many computers? Well, for one, my Dad grew me up with a computer in the home and I've been very interested. For two, I could never get a really good computer when I was growing up, so I basically just feel hypnotized to have what I couldn't have as a kid::: a nice new machine.  OH ---- and I live in my parents' basement, which means I have a desk in my bedroom, and a desk in the living room ---- which means I need a computer upstairs and downstairs in order to not have to go up and down stairs all the time. Oh ---- and I have a laptop that I carry with me often just in case I need a computer on the go.

I've learned to live with and buy very cheap hardware. I don't buy much or any expensive stuff. I keep it frugal and thrifty --- what I can afford on my disability budget.

Anyway. Just rambling on. I don't have a social life, so here i am:: on my blog.

UPDATE 21-July-2018 9:34AM:::::

I woke up this morning to check how my new 1.4ghz Mac Mini was doing downloading the blockchain in bitcoin core.

It was done about 3.xx% of the blockchain. Not that impressive for a whole night of work.

I looked at the Activity monitor::: apparently, the processor in this mini hyper-threads, which means on virtual-core was maxed out working on bitcoin. 700mhz is half of 1.4ghz, so basically the computer was supposedly working at processing the blockchain download at only 700mhz.

And the 4gb of ram had to be shared with the rest of the computer system: which meant some of the bitcoin app was being compressed in memory.

So though this dual-core i5 is pretty much seeming to still be faster than a quad-core Pentium at bitcoin -----

My 1.6ghz dual core CELERON NUC might have the advantage over this core i5 at bitcoin.  I suppose I can't really be too certain, considering it usually takes a long time to download the blockchain anyway ----- but the Celeron doesn't hyperthread and it runs at 1.6ghz, while this mini hyperthreads and therefore was only giving the process 700mhz.

This is just what I think anyway. Who knows if one virtual core on a hyperthreading processor is capable of running at full speed ---- I would have guessed one virtual core would only run at half the speed of the processor.

So, for a while it definitely seemed faster than my quad-core Pentium laptop ----- but I'm thinking it might be a bit slower than my Celeron, for bitcoin at least.

yeah, i was just disappointed that I slept all night with bitcoin core running, and when I checked it in the morning it was only 3.xx% complete. Not that great a performance. Or maybe that's all that can be expected-------

The computer that REALLY processes bitcoin core well is a 2012 mac mini quad-core with 16gigs of RAM. That works very, very well.

UPDATE 9:50AM::::

I crossed out the above UPDATE because all that chugging along at 700mhz for a good while must've done some good:::: when I checked bitcoin core on the new mini again after writing the above update, it then said it had completed 10 or 11 percent of the process.

Awesome!!!  That is more what I expected, quite well done.


One reason I get such fast download speeds on bitcoin core rather than slow download speeds is because I have my NUC running as a home server always running (very low energy) ---- and I run bitcoind on it, which means the NUC receives all the small incremental slow download of the blockchain constantly, while if I want to update the blockchain on my other devices, they seem to find the NUC quickly and it's a very fast process to download the new information.

Unfortunately, my quad-core Pentium with 4x256k of L2 cache, despite the speed of the ethernet connection bringing the data in faster, it still takes a very long time to process the new information.

Just thought I'd mention this.