Monday, December 31, 2018

A Really Fun Dream

It's now 3:03am. I woke up at about 2am. I feel well rested. I don't see much hope for me falling asleep again this morning, so I'm just going to do what I normally do in the morning. Drink coffee, sit around, think, ponder, maybe read.


But the dream I had before I awoke, the dream that awoke me to feeling well rested at 2am.


There were three parts:::

1) I took my guitar, (an acoustic guitar), fretted my fingers into A Major, and started trying different strumming styles or patterns.

Though my guitar is acoustic, for some reason the music was sounding very electric, and I sounded excellent and made different types of sounds based on different ways of strumming.

I have to say:::: I'm really still only a beginner at guitar in real life, I"ll just accept this part of my dream as encouragement to try strumming in other experimental ways rather than just downstrokes that I've been used to.

I have no idea if different types of strumming will really make me sound that good ---- and an indication the dream was unrealistic is how the acoustic sounded electric. But it sure was fun!


Part 2) I decided to show my new playing style to my sister. All of the sudden my guitar playing sounded very Hawaiian.

I'm guessing this might be because my sister is teaching her kids to play the Ukelele, and the Ukelele is a Hawaiian instrument. Who knows why my 6-string guitar was sounding Hawaiian in the dream though. I don't know.



Part 3) A band, in my dream, invited me to rehearse with them. They wanted to hear me play. I asked what Chord they wanted. They said "E Minor". The fun thing is that I actually know what that Chord is too, and I was consciously able to play it in my dream. I was doing some more of that strumming stuff from Part 1, when I woke up.



The dream of playing guitar and sounding good was just such fun for me. Obviously, the dream wasn't entirely realistic, but it almost felt like an encouragement to develop my skills.



How am I doing in guitar in my waking life? Well, during the Christmas Season  I was rehearsing one song over and over again::: Jingle Bells. My parents were telling me I was getting better and better.

In practice, I was able to switch between G Major and C Major and made it sound at least decent if not good ----- but when actually playing, my switch from G Major to C Major could have been better I think.


Because Christmas is over, I switched to a non-Christmas Guitar book and have been learning a bit about a different piece of music. I've learned a bit about playing Tabulature now ---- but some of the upcoming music I"ll be learning looks really difficult in the Tab.



And of course, I would probably want to get an electric guitar ----- but there are three things holding me back:::: 1) Where would I put it? 2) Coming up with the money and 3) My parents think one guitar is enough because an electric might be too loud.


But I really have to say::: Learning an instrument and learning to play IS ACTUALLY FUN.


All throughout my schooling days, Music class was never in my style. I never even took a music class except for maybe a bit of Mandatory music in Elementary school.


I'm realizing how much I've missed out now. Music just wasn't a part of my family's ability I guess. I am noting that my family just wasn't very musical, so I stayed away from Music in school.


Why finally get into music? Thanks to the inspiration of Avril Lavigne really. And I am thankful for it. It took me a very long time to finally make the leap.




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In other news:::::


My Mom basically more or less enforces Sabbath Day observance in our home now ------ so on Sundays I don't go anywhere usually


But the good news is this:::: when I was having illness problems, part of my illness was a very big loss of my attention span or my attention abilities.


But, I've now recovered well enough that I can sit down and play a video game for 2 hours. I only stopped playing because I figured I should --- so I could stand rather than just sit down.


I also had a 2 hour period of sitting in my really comfy chair and reading a book. Again, I decided to stand because I figured it might be a good idea to get back up again.


Yeah. So when I was ill my attention span was really, really suffering. Now that I'm recovering, I can sit there and engage in an activity for 2 hours straight. This is wonderful. I am so happy. My brain is coming back to me.


Yay.

Friday, December 28, 2018

Reading a Book Written by someone I probably once knew

So last week I think it was I decided to Google some names of old friends I knew.

One of the names revealed a series of books.

The name of the author and the name of my old friend were the same, as far as I am aware.

I bought his book, and have been reading bits of it.



On a side note:::::: I was having really good luck with the lottery for quite a while before I bought this book -------- I fear by having bought this book I've besmirched the goodness of my own name and have brought bad luck on myself. This may be seen as a joke, but it might be a well-founded fear.



So:::: This is a book about religion.


And the kind of religious belief expressed in the book is similar to what I knew of my old friend with the same name as the author.



I am willing to bet the author of this book really is someone I once knew.



And based on my relationship with him at that time, well, this book explains a lot.



The author doesn't believe in hell.


Well, not believing in hell would explain why the class at school he was a part of was so completely misbehaved.


This book appears to be a kind of religious thought trying to merge Christianity with Buddhism (which is something I would believe to be true about my old friend) ----- but I'm pretty sure in Christianity there is a hell, and in Buddhism there is also basically an equivalent of hell in the afterlife -------- so seeing as how he's trying to combine two religions that both believe in some horrible hereafter, and then tries to explain in his version that such a horrible hereafter as hell does not exist -----


well, I'll just say my old friend from school was entirely confused.  And yes, after looking at the writing in this book, I am 99% certain I knew the author at one time.



The other comment I will leave about this book:::: The book tries to be some kind of "ascended masters'" teachings book, so it's just strange how it doesn't even touch on metaphysical laws like the Law of Attraction.


It DOES mention karma ----- but there's really no discussion on metaphysical laws, so I'll have to guess that yes, this book is by someone I once knew, but I don't put any trust in it.


Especially as he took two religions that both believe in some form of hell, and mixed them together and then said: "there is no hell".  He is confused as ever.


But yeah ---- the class he came from was entirely misbehaved, so what can I expect?



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In other news, I created another small development project on my 1.4ghz Mac Mini. It's just a small project to do a large number of calculations.

I'm saying this just so I can observe that there really is a reason dev-type computers are typically high-end ------ the 1.4ghz Mac mini is just so slow for development. Yeah.

Thursday, December 27, 2018

The Problem with Capitalism

so:: I'm really questioning that Christmas Day switch that flipped in my brain ------

Capitalism has its problems.

Such as::: even if you really did try working, any number of things may go wrong such as people just not paying you for your work. And then you're out of luck.


The only reason I've been able to get by is because of the provincial disability payments I receive.


Though I was working from 2010 up until very recent years:::: typically, people just decided to NOT pay me a blasted cent.


There's nothing reliable about making a living through such a system!! and if part of the problem is that people just don't have money, then I guess society is just screwed as a whole then, isn't it?


Yeah ---- that's a very basic problem that might exist in capitalism:::::: not getting paid regardless of how hard you've tried.


And another problem might be that there's no employment or you've got no good ideas. Then you are hosed there too.


For SOME reason they say Universal Basic Income is not socialism::::: whatever that reason is, it just becomes notable that benefits from the government might ever become necessary to survive.


So::::: just in a few sentences, I've come up with some very real-world explanations for why capitalism doesn't work.


There's always a complete likelihood that you'll need some kind of benefit from the government. It may not be outright socialism:::: but it's definitely not quite capitalism either.



So::::: maybe my brain just wasn't working properly, maybe I was having a "pipe-dream" for a moment on Christmas.



Yeah ----- a simple problem with capitalism might be that it doesn't matter how hard you try:::: people might just decide not to pay you. at all. Then you're hosed.

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Second Guessing Myself?

I was just thinking about how my main form of income comes from disability and how, according to the news, there are a lot of people who don't have any money.


I'm so glad that I've been hearing rumors::::


Hopefully someday coming we'll get Universal Basic Income implemented.


According to what some say, UBI (or National Basic Income as it might become called in Canada) is not socialism::: it's just a natural way of taking care of citizens who may become unemployed due to factors such as the mechanization of the workforce.


I suppose a reason I would go capitalistic is the idea of PROFIT MOTIVE ---- The very reason you do things is to try to make money, and you want to do the best you can at what you do so you make more money.


Is this a bad thing? It helps to create some quality control when you are operating for a profit rather than being forced to live with the same income as everyone else regardless of effort.


The basic idea behind socialism is economic equality. Just making sure the playing field is even.


But the good thing about capitalism is that it encourages best practices and good habits:::: that way if you make good and smart decisions you'll make more money, and society benefits from your labors.



But it's also true that there are many poor people and finding employment for everyone can be a problem, especially for a family like mine where there is such disability, so something like UBI should probably be implemented to take care of those on hard times.




Why did I and my family have mental illness issues? I believe it's because GOD will basically, just give people what they want::::


And I know my sister had a name-calling habit ever since she was very young. From a very young age all the way to when I finally turned 17 and was diagnosed with schizophrenia, basically that whole time I had been called names by my sister, as she was deliberately trying to drive me crazy.

God just gave her what she wanted.



So:::: how did I recover?



I believe I recovered this way:::: I blessed myself through the law of attraction to make myself recover.


I became ill through my sister's cursing and the law of attraction.


I recover by blessing myself and the law of attraction.


I know the LDS church says that you are only allowed to bless others and NOT yourself -----


but that is a LIE.


The whole point of the Law of Attraction is to know what you want for your life, declare it, and take control of your own world and life living the way you want ---- rather than living at the whim of another person.




It was weird::: growing up as a young LDS Boy I was always being told about freedom and liberty in the church ------


but when it comes to brass tax, the church is really about control, and that freedom and liberty talk was a dishonest facade.



Anyway:::: don't rely on other people to tell you how your life should or will be::: decide that for yourself! Although, wisdom has been developed through the ages, and it's not a bad idea to take a hint from someone else's repository of knowledge. Decide what you want for yourself rather than be controlled ---- but seeking good advice might be a good thing too.



I could go on and on----- I'm basically just a bit mystified how the church made a rule that you aren't allowed to bless yourself ---- when in fact the whole point of the law of attraction is to bless yourself --- the church was just trying to control people.

Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Christmas Psychological Alterations in Myself

This is interesting.

It's Christmas time, as you can see from the date on this post.

and I feel like I'm being "renewed" into a "new person" psychologically again.

One thing I know about myself, is sometimes I have a way of just magically changing who I am and what I believe and what I want to accomplish.


When I was a young child in school, I was one of the best, and as such, I was a total believer in capitalism.

By the time I got my LDS Patriarchal blessing, mental illness had taken such a grip on my family and there was such influence from certain LDS doctrine that I switched from being a capitalist to more of a socialist.

I went a long time believing myself to be a socialist. It was mostly a survival thing because my family was really, really messed up and we might not have made it without social supports.





Anyway::::::: This Christmas time, tentatively, or so it seems:::: two "magical" changes in my psychology have appeared.


1) Yesterday, on Christmas Eve, I came to a realization that though Avril seems to sing about me, she spends the vast majority of her time with other men. Though I appreciate her and how she helped me try to climb out of the pit my family dug for itself, I have more realization now that I shouldn't focus so completely on her. I have other things I can do with my life, probably.


2) Today, Christmas, I was just laying in bed, when it felt like the Mormon Socialist Brainwashing had worn off and I came to realize what it was that I loved before I got my patriarchal blessing:::: Cool video games. And cool video games are better generated through a more capitalist system. Or, at least, that's how I'm seeing it in my supposition.



Basically, though for the past time the NDP has been in power in Alberta I figured they did a pretty good job, I am tempted to flip back to some form of conservatism or capitalism, in some form.


Although, I believe in a kind, caring and compassionate form of capitalism that is basically kind of charitable ----- a system that tries to take care of people regardless of government involvement.



I've got to go to Christmas Dinner now.



I'll just summarize this post by saying that switches appear have been flipped in my head this Christmas, and I feel like I've just suddenly decided (tentatively, I'll say) that I should focus less on Avril especially as she's often with other men, and that I just feel myself feeling more capitalistic now.



So yeah, I went from capitalist to socialist, and I'm just beginning, now to feel capitalistic again. Kind caring and compassionate capitalism, however.

Friday, December 21, 2018

Update on my Development Environment

So::: for a good long while I've wondered about how I could run the latest MacOS (Mojave) but still keep a legacy system of High Sierra around.

The short of it is::: My 2012 Mac Minic can now dual boot between Mojave and High Sierra, so now I can have both worlds.

I haven't tried running Unity 4 on Mojave yet ---- but the icon isn't . "crossed-out" ----- so that's probably a sign that it will run.



I'm not going to guarantee that I'll ever release a product ever again ---- but I'm going to try to work to see if I can keep updated in the case that I MIGHT release a product ever again.


OUYA was good because it was a great place to make your own stuff and publish it. It was a pretty decent system for a number of reasons.


Too bad it failed, although I understand that there were some controller problems and that people just weren't spending money. But OUYA was a great idea.

OUYA was far less intimidating a company to work with, in my mind if I wanted to publish with Apple or Google, I might feel a bit intimidated, as I see it in my mind, so I might just get too scared to even try.

Not to mention that OUYA was free to publish on while you will most likely pay some fees at a bigger platform.

Monday, December 10, 2018

Does School Actually Encourage Grandiose Delusions?

I was sitting chatting with my Mom about what my goals for life should be at this point when I realized something:


In school, one quote you'll probably inescapably hear is "Shoot for the moon --- even if you miss, you'll land among the stars".


I, being one of the top students, of course, was on a path in life that was like that.


When I was in elementary school, the teachers would ask what your plans for your future were, and for me, I would say I wanted to be a missionary and a teacher. These goals were mundane enough that I was able to get by with claiming this as a plan for my life.

But in Junior High School, sin crept into my life, and being honest about the supposed sin was difficult, so according to LDS Belief, in order to be forgiven of my sins, I had to work especially hard for Jesus.

Basically, I had a personal relationship with God, and plans for my future were becoming more and more extravagant --- such as an idea of making a million dollars and working as a lifetime servant of God.

But I could never go into full detail with ANYONE about what my plans for life were.

School would ask what my plans were, but I couldn't say anything. The best I could say on one occasion was "maybe I'll become a video game developer".

I think I remember once, however, that the teacher said whatever your parent is doing, you'll probably end up doing that do. Sadly, all I could say at that point was that my Dad was mostly unemployed, and perhaps my extravagant goals in life were helped driven by the fear of doing nothing with my life.


Whatever the case was:::: By the age of 13/14, the future I was looking towards was VERY BIG. VERY EXTRAVAGANT.


"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars".



Though I knew I could not reveal my plans to anyone, or mostly not reveal anything, somehow the Latter-Day Saint patriarch knew something of my personal agreement with God and outlined it in my patriarchal blessing.


There's a lot going against the Church these days, but it's interesting to note that the Patriarch knew things which no one should have known, things that were private between me and God.



Anyway::::: The short of it is this:::


Even though school tells us "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars" -----


it's very interesting how likely you are to be considered Grandiosely Delusional if you do that.



There is a whole history of things going wrong in my life ----- but I just think it's interesting that school encourages you to think big-------



I was thinking big, and then I got forced on drugs, and Grandiose Delusions was a part of the reasoning. Also;:: a belief in working miracles. Yes, I was thinking big.


But it's not a lie that I landed among the stars.  I think I've gone completely off course a long time ago, but I did land among "the stars", nonetheless, it seems.


The chances of me fulfilling my original plans now seem hopelessly lost.




And it's also interesting to note how there's so much going against the church in so many ways ---- and yet somehow the patriarch knew things that I had only talked about with God. Very interesting.



The church is wrong in so many ways in the eyes of so many people, and though things went so personally wrong for me in that organization, it's also just plain true that the patriarch knew things and that the miracles appeared to be realistic.

Saturday, December 8, 2018

Avril Lavigne's Album Reveal

I looked at my IPad a moment ago.

There was a notification from Twitter that Avril Lavigne had published a video.

I looked at the video. It was a quick reveal of the tracks in her new upcoming album.

The first track: "Head Above Water" --- we already know that one.

The second: "Birdie" --------- If history is any indication, I might find this song very interesting, as Avril's songs appear to often heavily relate to me, even if only through mentalism, and well, I call myself Finch so yeah.

The third: "I Fell in Love with the Devil" --------- The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints expressed their lack of desire to be friends with Avril ------- Avril is now responding to them kindly. What I mean is, I, and numerous other people, have often suspected that the LDS Church is actually a Satanic religion, and as such Avril is expressing kindness to them, despite the fact they rejected her. Interesting.

On the flipside, it could be said, if the church really was the truth, that God rejected Avril through my Bishop, and now Avril has befriended the adversary, which is the story the LDS Church is more likely to agree with, at least on the surface.

yes ----- it's very confusing ------- but by definition what Christianity calls God/God and Devil/Devil the Latter-Day Saints have it as God/Devil and Devil/God. I hope that explains it.


I haven't actually heard these 2nd and 3rd songs yet, but just from the titles, they sound relevant.


Anyway ---- I just thought I'd mention this ---- especially to explain how Avril being in Love with the Devil might be interpreted and then also how confusing the concept can be.

Friday, December 7, 2018

An Example of Holiday Generosity

Today I visited a local restaurant where I get food on the odd occasion.

I bought a $9.50 food item and a $1.00 drink --- GST included in the prices.

So:::: under normal circumstances, my bill would have been $10.50.

But, this restaurant's owner is usually generous::: he often cuts 50 cents off the price on a regular basis.

But when I handed him a $20 bill to pay today, I was surprised to see him hand me back a $10 bill AND a loonie.

My $10.50 meal cost $9.00.

I was thinking about leaving the loonie on his counter as a tip or something, but he seemed to insist that I take it.

Anyway ----- Though I kind of wonder if I really should have left him the loonie, I feel grateful for this restaurant owner's common generosity in commonly reducing the price of his food a bit. He has every right to charge less than advertised, I guess.


I guess this is just me writing a "feel good" story on this blog. Normally, he would just give $10 in change, that would be his normal practice---- but this time he was especially generous with an extra loonie.  So that was just especially nice.


Just a feel-good story to update my blog with I guess.

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Work Update

I woke up early this morning, and thoughts of wondering how I'm going to have my games available on a future system were heavy on my mind.

I heard my disability payment is likely to see a bit of an increase soon, but even with that help on the budget I set, it's going to take probably at least 3 months to save up even just for the cheap new mac mini.

I then realized that I could try using my new refurbished 1.4ghz mac mini with 4gb of RAM as my development machine for Unity 2018.2.

So I installed Unity 2018.2 on that machine.

It's very slow.

And it just becomes a pain when I found out my PS3 controller wasn't being found by the development build of my game.

I thought the problem might be that maybe PS3 was maybe deprecated or something. I decided to go out and buy 2 new PC Game Controllers.

Yes ---- though debt isn't a big problem for me and in a kind of recent post I said I was out of debt ---- well, with all the clothes shopping and these controllers and some Christmas chocolates ----- I am back in a little bit of debt again.

Anyway ------ I tried out the new controllers.

My 1.4ghz Mac Mini could definitely detect and use the controller according to a 3rd party driver I downloaded. But the Unity 2018 build of Air Defence wasn't liking it.

I put one of the new controllers on my old 2012 Mac Mini where I have Unity 4 installed with a Unity 4 version of Air Defence. After a reboot, the new controller worked fine even without special drivers in that version of the game.

I then decided to try again on 2018 Air Defence on the 1.4ghz and found it really was not working. It would really only detect the Left Stick movement.

So, I transferred the App of 2018 Air Defence to my 2012 Mac Mini.

2018 on the 2012 still didn't like the new controller.

So, I booted up Unity 4 Air Defence, set the controls with the new controller --- Saved and Quit --- started up the 2018 version on the same computer and found the controls were, in fact, working.


So:::: The control configurator in the opening window before the game starts of Unity just would not detect anything I tried from a controller on either computer ---- but with the right prefs saved for the game in the Unity 4 version, the Unity 2018 version was all of the sudden able to use the buttons commanded.


I guess I got that far. Hopefully, they'll fix it someday. There's apparently a Unity Asset Store plugin available for $45 that's supposed to fix these issues, but that's a bit expensive for me right now.



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My Family is going to be having some fun for Christmas. I decided that in order to get the kids' help in cleaning up and maybe for prizes or whatever --- that I would have some play money bought from a dollar store to pay the children for their help. And when the fun is over, I'll let them redeem their play money for prizes.


This is in no way important to mention on my blog --- except for one interesting bit of somewhat relevant information::::


$1000 of play money has gone missing. Gone. Like it was stolen. My parents are absolutely certain that no one was touching my stuff.

That means either I can't trust my parents, or whatever force that might've switched out that book or left that note might still be around.

$1000 of play money accounted for about 13% of the total funds I had, in play money.


Anyway ---- it's just so weird to discover it went missing. Either I can't fully trust my family (which isn't a big stretch of the imagination) or who knows.

Friday, November 30, 2018

I Feel Like Posting

I've been thinking of lots to say recently, and although I really have nothing specifically important to say, I've got things in my mind which I feel might be good to talk about.


Growing up, the church had all kinds of "do's" and "don'ts" rules.


Don't do that. Don't do this. Don't do that other thing.


And yet for some reason, I know from experience that even though it was clear in my mind that I wasn't supposed to do certain things, somehow, for some reason, who knows why, I felt like I was absolutely driven, even against my will, to do things which I wasn't supposed to do.


If anything can be called "satanic possession" ---- maybe it's those times when you know you're not supposed to, but you can't stop yourself from doing it anyway. I had enough of that when I was a kid ---- I knew intellectually it was a no-no, and yet I felt driven against my will to sin.


Was it biology? was it "satanic possession"? Or was it the Law of Attraction obeying someone else's desires and I had no choice but to obey a contrary thought?



To be honest ------ I was considered a smart kid. For numerous years running, I was considered one of the smartest kids in the school I attended.


And though I was one of the most brilliant, somehow, looking back, I feel I severely embarrassed myself with some of the really, really dumb things I did.


I may have been considered one of the best or one of the smartest ------ but I was not immune to making really dumb decisions.



The good news is this::::: though we may seriously, seriously screw up in various ways in our lives, we can call upon God to take away our sins and grant us forgiveness.


The other day I was feeling so bad about the stupid things I've done, and I just prayed to God asking him for forgiveness and to take away my sins ------ and I felt so much better very quickly, I felt I had found absolution.  It was a very clear feelings thing ---- going from feeling bad to feeling good and clean and happy again.


So the good news is it's possible to find some kind of redemption.



On a side note::::: Even though finding redemption is really something that's just between me and God, looking back I also notice how messed up it is that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints tries to bring their bishops and priesthood holders into the mix as if you need a human being to validate God's forgiveness rather than just get it from God yourself.

Although here's the thing:::: According to the Miracle of Forgiveness, the Bishop cannot actually forgive you on behalf of Jesus ---- bishops only forgive on behalf of the church. Getting forgiveness from Jesus is another thing entirely according to that book.




And finally, I will say it would have been nice if I had seen great financial success from my work----- but though people typically didn't pay me for my efforts, I feel like I accomplished so much doing what I did for the past so many years.

I had all kinds of thoughts on things I could say about this::: but I think it's enough to say right now that I learned so much from my efforts.

Though I did not profit financially, I learned so much, so I kind of feel like it's MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Hah. :)

These last few paragraphs are mostly to explain why I don't advertise anymore::: I'd be spending all that money on advertising and no one would actualy pay me ---- and now I feel whole, I feel complete, having gotten my messages out there, and having learned what I learned. I'm sure there's lots I could say abou what I learned, but I don't feel like it right now.

Friday, November 23, 2018

I Actually Took an Investment Phonecall

Well, a similar phone number to the earlier phone number called --- and I picked it up.

It was for me. It was the investment thing.

They were wondering if I wanted to invest in "naturally colored diamonds".

I'm pretty sure that's what they said. "naturally colored diamonds".

OK ---------

When I said I was very low on the upper-class scale earlier:::: I think we have different definitions of what that means.


There are two different ways to look at "class" that I know of.

There's the how much you make way, like, upper class would make $500,000 a year. THIS IS NOT ME.

There's the other way of determining::

Lower class buys stuff.
Middle class buys liabilities.
Upper-class buys assets.

I am somewhere in the middle to upper category on this scale. When I consider myself "upper class" ---- I mean I buy assets and have paid off my debt. When I say I'm on the "low" end ---- I mean I'm really not worth much, but at least I'm comfortable and not worrying about debt anymore.


But, diamonds are out of my price range most likely, and really, I'm just on disability.

Yes --- I'm a disabled person who invests. I'm VERY LOW on the upper-class scale.

And I don't want to be taking phone calls about investing. Not normally at least.


Anyway --- both these investment phone numbers are back on the BLOCK list.

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Facebook Contact

I'm just going to mention that the weird banking incidents have continued. I'm not sure I even want to describe it.

I'll say this much:::

One bank was weird.

And then two other banks MIGHT think I was a bit weird --- although it could also be seen just as business as usual.

The bank that was weird today ---- too weird for describing on this blog. Maybe there's an explanation, but really, if I told you it might blow your mind how weird it is.





And then someone DID contact me on Facebook today.


The famous horror author Michael McCarty was chatting with me today. He's a personal friend of The Amazing Kreskin.


What I'll share on this blog about it is this::: he decided to share a couple posts on his blog with me, so I think I'll just repost the links here.

(read the paragraph below the links for a content warning)

https://monstermikeyaauthor.wordpress.com/2016/12/18/graphic-novel-projects/

https://monstermikeyaauthor.wordpress.com/2017/02/01/the-amazing-kreskins-on-liquid-diet-midnight-snack/


By all means, visit his blog if you are interested. However, coming from a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints perspective, depending on what kind of Saint you are, the content of some of what he says might not be to your suiting. But, if you consider the actual truth of church history, then it is just fine. It's just from the perspective of knowing how some Saints try to be so absolutely perfect that such content probably might not be permitted if they really are that extreme about their beliefs. Should I just say some of the content might just be a bit on the adult side? is that all I should say about that?






And I actually decided to unblock that investing company's phone number last night. No, this is not an invitation to call me, I still don't like telephones, but I am having some realization that the call might have been important.



The real problem is when those "binary options" people contact you and never leave you alone. If this is just another one of those "binary options" type investment companies ---- yeah, I'd block them again in an instant. That's the major fear I have about such things.



UPDATE November 23rd (The Next Day):::::

So, there must've been a reasonable explanation for that weird thing that happened at the bank --- whatever it was, it's past now, so I'll just explain it now because since it was fixed it's now less mind-blowing and now more interesting.

I had spent all my money on my prepaid card until I had about $5 left. (plus cents).

I had a $5 fee coming up.

an automatic $2 purchase came up --- I had about $2 left (plus cents).

I put $85 onto the prepaid card, bringing the available credit up to about $87.

The $5 fee came. My new available credit was $90. (mind blown).

yeah --- that was pretty weird to pay a fee and then see the amount of money available to me increase instead of decrease. No, I didn't take any screenshots, but I'm sure of what I saw.

Anyway, the whole reason I'm posting this finally is because later the available credit was set to $82, where it should be.

Yeah, that was weird. Not sure how to describe it other than it was very interesting.

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Research on the Note

I found a note in my bedroom when cleaning up.

The note had information on it ---- and I could not see any reason at all why the note would even be in my bedroom.

But, a little while ago, I decided I might as well just look up the name of the person on the note on a search engine.


Well, I didn't realize this at all until the search engine results came:::


There are TWO DIFFERENT famous people with the same name. Or two different public figures, so to speak.


To narrow this search down ---- there's the profession mentioned on the note.


If you look at the profession "vaguely" ---- then either of these two people might be the person.


If you look at the profession "specifically" ---- then it appears possible that the note actually refers to a third person altogether who isn't even mentioned in the search results.


I'm not even going to touch the medical condition on the note. I would have no idea, and I suspect maybe that most people might have no idea ----- unless for some reason it was mentioned by someone publicly, but I'm not about the research that.



So::: this famous name is someone or a name that I never talk about. I didn't even realize it could be a famous person until I did the search.


Though this might seem to be the kind of thing I would be up to considering all these things that have already happened --- I'm just going "I don't wanna I don't wanna I don/t wanna I don't wanna".


To be honest::::: Just finding name and information written on a note is not information I'm necessarily inclined to act on. At all.


Last time I found a note:::: the one that purported to be from Jesus, nobody really believed Jesus actually wrote it and it was considered a sick prank. Heck, I myself was accused of writing the note.


So:::: when it comes to getting magical information, having a physically written note is kind of a bad way of doing it since anyone could have written the note for any reason, and someone might just accuse me of writing the note. As such, I am left unsure if this is really worth acting on in any form.


If GOD really wanted to talk to me, to make me do something ---- a better way to communicate the idea with me would, in fact, be to use telepathic communications or even the fabled disembodied ghostly voice.


Even though everyone else can look at me and tell me I just made up that kind of communication or that I'm just crazy ----- the thing about disembodied voices is that they can't be faked necessarily by someone who .is just trying to cause trouble ---- and that way I would have a more sure idea of what to do or to proceed with some kind of action.


I think the simple truth is, that if God were to speak to you, no matter what you did there could always be someone who disbelieves and wants to blame it one pranksters or your brain chemicals or whatever ----


but receiving a message from God in the form of a disembodied voice is far more believable to the recipient than getting a handwritten message.


I'm sure God COULD write handwritten messages if he wanted to --- but there's a matter of "what can I trust?"


God COULD also just speak to you, at that point, you know what you know, and then only people who did not experience the same thing would not know ---- not that the message was for them anyway.



So:::: I may have a mysterious note in my bedroom that should not be there by any reasonable means ------- but it's just a note, and it might not at all be important in any way -------


If someone acquired access to my house, they may have switched out the book and placed the note ---- this makes the information completely misunderstandable and not worth acting on.


I suppose God could have also somehow changed the book and left the note ----- but at this point in time, the information is still just too confusing to really do anything about.



And I don't think I even want to step into the world of other famous persons again. No thank you.



Simple fact is:::: either history is repeating in that GOD has written at least 2 notes to me now -----


Or it's a simple fact that someone has access to my room when they actually shouldn't have access to my room, and any amount of madness can start happening at that point.






But the simple fact is this:::  A few years ago Youtube was showing me videos of security camera footage of POLTERGEISTS in action.


The day after I watched those videos, I had my very own poltergeist experience in my own house.


So really, anything is possible.

The Story Continues

I've always had a habit of regularly checking my banking information.

When I found $360 in an account a few days ago (I should have taken a screenshot) and had no idea where it came from ---- and later checked again to see that the money had just disappeared ---- well, I've been more hyperactively checking my accounts lately, I guess.

Scotia iTrade has or had a banana statue on their front page. That just makes me feel special.

Then yesterday some investment company phoned for me (I was unavailable) and I was feeling very leary about it --- so I blocked their number. This can especially be explained by the facts that I'm introverted and was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia previously ---- maybe I'm just paranoid.



Anyway, I woke up this morning, and was "hyperactively" checking my accounts again ----



when the mobile banking app of my prepaid MasterCard at a Canadian bank told me my account was "temporarily suspended" and they had a phone number I could call them at.


I neglected to write down the number, so a little while later I decided to log into the same account on my Mac and see if I could get the number to write down ----- but by the time I had logged in on my Mac ---- my account appeared to be back and operational ------ no more mention of any suspension.


So::: There are 3 different banks here I've mentioned in this post, Scotia iTrade, my Prepaid card bank, and the account of another bank, oh, and some investment company that didn't interest me especially because I have psychological issues about dealing with people, especially on the phone.


Something is really going on here.

Most of the time I tell the bank I get my money from disability ---- that's for some reason important to them, and really, I practically don't make money from the work I did so I just leave it set to "disability" -----


Except for Scotiabank. Once Scotiabank phoned and they asked me where I get my money from and I told them I was on disability but that I did try to sell products without much success ----- later I noticed they marked me down as "self-employed".


So:::: All the banks have me as "disabled" except for Scotiabank which decided to mark me as "self-employed".


I just use the "disability" ticket because I practically didn't make money from my work.


But ----- now I just have to really wonder. What does the bank know that I don't know?


is there money lying in wait for me? Why are all these banks "in on it"?


There's another bank I use ----- the place where I do most of my banking ----- and they haven't said "boo" yet.


There's really something going on it seems like. I wonder if I'm about to get paid for my past work from years ago.


Is this a good or a bad thing? Like----- what if someone is really trying to seriously "covertly" scam me ----- in a way I had never before suspected could happen?


Or maybe I made lots of money on a past project, and now the bank is wondering if the money is legitimate? I don't' know.


I've just been sitting here living on AiSH for years now---- what could suddenly really be so different?


What could have happened? I can think of only a few potential possibilities:


1) Payment from past work.

2) A gift?

3) Inheritance?

4) Some kind of big scam?


I dunno.



UPDATE:::::


There's one more small possibility::::


A while back there was.a Japanese person writing to me offering me lots of money.


My family and friends didn't believe it ------ it wasn't realistic to them.


But what if something is actually happening on that end????

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Looking Back and Wondering ???

So::

Today I received a phonecall ---- I hate telephone calls ----- and the subject of the call fits pretty good into the world of scams, so I blocked the number.

Emotionally::: I sensed some pretty good clean emotions for a while, but just a moment ago I sensed emotional pain ------ so I have to wonder if I just blocked something that was actually legitimate. Again, I apologize for not being so business savvy.

Looking back, here's a list of things that have happened in the past while:

1) Received email inviting me to publish in new upcoming game store ULTRA.

2) Money appears in one of my accounts, and then disappears.

3) Scotia iTrade have a banana statue image on their front page.

4) I found a note in my bedroom about "a person" ---- no details on what to do about that though.

5) My copy of The Miracle of Forgiveness book was either switched out by a stealthy person or the words on the page magically just changed.

6) There's today's phonecall from a supposed investment company.


Am I forgetting something? I've also been cleaning up my personal living and work areas. And playing more games with my family. And I'm getting better at playing Jingle Bells on guitar.


Oh --- and there was a family incident, which shall remain private ---- but yes this incident also borders on the paranormal in a way.


Well, it definitely looks like something could really be going on and it might be good and important ---- so I'm sorry for hurting the feelings if they were actually legitimate.

I just hate telephones.

I have no problem receiving email. I can even chat on Facebook if you talk to me on Facebook.

You could probably even leave a comment on this blog.


But a mysterious telephone call that sounds like it borders on scammy? Not much interested.



So:::: I might just not be very business savvy. Maybe there really is something important going on --- and I may have hurt feelings by blocking a phone number. I just have to be really careful. And I don't like telephones very much.



I'm sure there's all kinds of things I could do with my life, with my abilities and talents ---- but part of my problem is that I'm not very social. It's hard for me to want to talk to people. I can talk to people in my little social circle fine. But I just have some kind of psychological problem where talking to the strangers on the phone doesn't interest me.



But --- if you send an email, leave a comment on this blog --- or if you contact me on Facebook or maybe even Twitter ----- then I will probably be more interested in seeing what you say.



Of course, I did recently get contacted on Twitter ----- but again, that just looked pretty scammy.


So:: this blog post is looking back, seeing that there's been a bunch of interesting action in recent time, and wondering if it is actually for real.


Also letting you guys know that I really just do not like the telephone. There's too much crap that goes around. I am very suspicious.


I could probably even handle contact on Twitter ----- but the one tweet someone sent me recently didn't look legitimate.

Received a Phonecall

A little while ago my Dad reported to me that some investment company was calling on the phone for me.

Whether they want my money or want to give me money, I already have every idea that I'm not interested in talking.

Besides which --- I looked their number up online and the information I found said they were a scam.



From 34 years of life, I've learned that I cannot trust kids at school, that I cannot trust my church, that I can't even necessarily trust my own family, and that healthcare also has problems sometimes -----


and when I try to sell a product, turns out I can't trust the vast majority of society to actually pay me either.


In fact, I'm just so leary of people in general, that I'm really not interested in talking to really anyone outside of my pre-existing social circles. In this sense --- yes I am disabled --- but it's a protection I have to put up because of how badly I'd get repeatedly burned in the past.


So::: when I already know I'm probably not interested, and I have some idea that very few people really are trustworthy, and then I look up the number online and the information says this phone number is a scam who shouldn't be talked to----

Yeah, I'm going to BLOCK that number.


I'm not interested in being owned by anyone. if you want to see me succeed in my business --- then try actually paying for my products or donating bitcoin to my bitcoin address. It's not hard. And no --- I'm not for sale.


And if you think I have a lot to offer as an investor, then you really haven't been reading my blog.


Look, I don't need any great deal of investment or anything, I can live my life fine the way it is ----- if you want to kickstart me or support my business, I've already stated where you can go.


I'm not for sale. I'm not even a corporation.

Sunday, November 18, 2018

I found a note

In the long tradition of things magically going missing, things magically being there that we didn't know where they came from ---- and so on and so forth,

I was cleaning my bedroom some more today ---- and I found a note.


I have absolutely no idea where this came from or why it was in my bedroom.

I do not know who's writing it is. I do not have a pad of paper in my bedroom for this kind of paper. But this paper and this writing somehow happens to be here.


The note has a name on it, I don't know the person, it has a profession, it has what looks like a medical condition, and it has a length of time on it.


So:::: why is this in my room and what am I supposed to do about it?


Am I supposed to somehow pray or use magical energies of some kind to help this person or something?


Don't tell me I'm actually supposed to track this person down ---- that wouldn't make sense and is probably not really legal.


I don't know. It's a note from who knows where written by who knows who about something I have no idea about. And it just happened to be in my bedroom. Huh.


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Before I turned on my Mac Mini to write this blog post, I thought of a calculation I wanted to do. I figured my Apple IIc was the best place to do the work.

I actually found that I could do calculations in the millions. Much bigger numbers than 16-bit numbers. Very interesting and very cool --- although there's probably an explanation for that.

I think Apple II is so awesome I kind of wish the product would be brought back for modern mass consumption again ---- although I'm not sure if people would actually be interested anymore considering all the stuff we have now.


It's just this::: Macs and PCs are good and fine, but for some use cases, all you really need is an Apple II. I'm sure a TI-Graphing Calculator might make sense as a replacement for Apple II ---- but sometimes just want to have that full-sized keyboard instead of a handheld device. And a bigger screen.



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So, considering how I'm finding pretty much "plentiful" amounts of clothing my size in the store now ---- I'm planning on buying more clothing, hanging it up on my wardrobe ---- and now that I'm stocked with clothing my size I'll now be able to take more of my older smaller clothing to the thrift store now. Not really important to mention, but I want to say it because this aspect of life is exciting to me.

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

I'm Feeling Very Lucky

In my last post, I said there was a giant banana statue in a promotional picture in an email from my brokerage.

I will now say that if you go to www.scotiaitrade.com that they have the promotion with the image on their front page ---- a big yellow banana right there, with the two children playing.

Huh.

Oh ----- and they let me know what kind of money you need to take advantage of their promotion:: anywhere between $10,000 and $1,000,000 is required. For the brokerage promotion with the big banana statue. Too rich for me.



I think it was on Monday I felt an urgent need to go to the mall as soon as possible, withdraw all the money from my savings account, and invest it in the Bitcoin ATM.


I felt so uncomfortable waiting for my Dad to start his day --- because I do not drive and I would need his help to get to the destination.


I told my Dad "I don't know if it's a prompting from the Holy Ghost or what --- but do you know how it feels to feel an urgent need to go somewhere but my driver is taking 5 hours to get his day started?"


Anyway --- my Dad got dressed faster ------- he intended on getting an oil change anyway ------- we got there. The oil change company was full that day ----- no hope for my Dad to get that service done.


I walked into another part of the mall and withdrew all my savings.  Then, I went to the bitcoin ATM.


The ATM could not connect with the server it used.


So ----- I had all this money in my wallet, and one of the big reasons the economic system of the beast should be avoided was the reason I was unable to do the transaction I intended.



So:::: I was out of luck ----- I felt a huge urge to get that day started, and neither goal was completed ----- and I thought it was maybe the Holy Ghost talking to me! What gives?



Well, all I accomplished was to empty my savings so I couldn't earn any more interest on that account.



Anyway --- the next day my Dad and I went to a different mall. This time he was able to get his oil changed quickly.


While the oil was being changed, I went shopping in a store, looking for items of interest to me.


Anyway ---- the amazing thing is this:::: I FOUND A JACKET THAT ACTUALLY FITS ME!


For years, ever since I was in my teens, I have NEVER REALLY been able to find clothes my size in retail stores.


There was never any point for me to go shopping because retail stores NEVER had anything that would fit me!  And this was since my childhood! I've been going over 14 years not being able to shop retail because usually there's nothing that fits me.


I figured I had to always buy clothes online for the longest time ---- and even then it would be trial and error, to find out what really fits me.


Anyway ----- the short of it is I actually found a jacket that actually fits me. And it was a good price too.


So today I decided to go shopping again ---- and lo and behold I found two shirts and another jacket that ACTUALLY FIT ME!


I mean! Wow!! THIS NEVER HAPPENS. I had just taken a pile of money out of the bank, and now that I've gone exploring some stores ---- I'm finding clothes that are actually pretty much FOR ME!


Anyway ---- so at first it was unclear why I felt such an urgent need to go to the mall, because we didn't accomplish anything except withdraw a whole bunch of cash --------

and in the following days I found there were actually items in the stores that I could actually spend my money on!




Anyway ----- and there's one more story.




For quite a while I've been mentioning this Law of Attraction concept where you are supposed to imagine checks coming in the mail rather than bills --- this is supposed to attract money.




Well, I woke up this morning, I checked my accounts on my iPad ------ and I found a bonus $360 in one of my accounts that came from I-don't-know-where.


This is the stort of thing I remember hearing about years ago on Christian television where they'd tell people to order some holy water and money will start magically appearing.


I didn't order any holy water, but yeah, I was surprised to see unexpected money in one of my accounts.


I was thinking::: If this is not a bank error (though I didn't know from where the money came) ---- then with this money, plus with my credit card, and money marked for savings next month --- I should be able to buy a new mac mini with pretty decent specifications.



But, as is to be expected when money shows up in an account and you don't know why, later in the day when I checked the same account::: the money vanished ----- nothing there anymore ----- it must've been a bank error.



Anyway ------ I'm just having lots to feel good about now.



It is really quite beautiful for me to now start finding clothes that fit me in retail stores.



And lastly, I was able to clean up one of my desks a lot ---- so now the space in our home looks a lot nicer. I threw out old paper receipts and junk --- I decluttered. So that's also nice but only worth a footnote worth of mentioning.

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

The Games We Play

The thing that really sparked me to write this blog post is this:

I just got an email for a special offer from my brokerage. This is normal enough for this service to do ---- except in the promotional picture they included with the email, well, there's a picture of two children playing with each other ----- and for "absolutely no" reason there's a big giant either digital or lego BANANA between the two children.

Oh, I am so proud of myself.

Yeah --- that was just kind of funny, one of the regular to-be-expected promotional emails, and the promotional image just has this big giant banana in there. Right. :)



Anyway:::: now for some more interesting stuff to mention but didn't really feel like until the above information came:::


SO:::: in the past month, I decided to buy a square folding table.


This now means that the 4 of us who live in this home are now able to play board and card games with each other. We weren't able to do that in this house for many years actually, largely because of how busy the schedules were and how my Dad has loads of clutter sitting all over the "permanent" surfaces.


Anyway:::: in the past few days we've played 3 different games.


And I just have to say it's absolutely remarkable how, apparently, well my brother is recovering from his illness.


In the first card game we played ---- well, he really impressed ----- and did not lose.


In the second card game we played ----- he won.



And when we played Scrabble, with 4 players, he and I tied for first place with 115 points each.



I just have to say ------ it is really, really remarkable how much he's come back to life from his problems in these games.



Can I attribute his recovery to The Law of Attraction?


Probably:::::


I like to think of him as a "good and smart student" ----- he and I were both good and smart students ----- and I make this clear to people when I explain some aspects of our lives.



Yeah ----- he and I were good and smart students, and the reason we were brought down is because our sister wasn't nice to us.


My sister, essentially, whether she knew it or not, used the Law of Attraction to put us both in the mental hospital.


I'm just thinking back to what it was like before the illness set in ---- he and I were good students, and we were only brought down because of mistreatment.



SO::::: I think possibly going back in my rememberings to when he and I were both smart --- that might be making us smart again.

Friday, November 9, 2018

I've Ported 2 of my Games to Mac

Facing a potential opportunity, having been invited, to sell my games in a new upcoming game store - I read in the Whitepaper for this game store that this is supposed to be for PC (rather than a console).

I just have to hope they are also compatible with Mac. I only have one (1) Windows PC in this house ---- and I never use it.

If they are compatible with Mac, then I could do everything on Mac, and then just do bits of testing on my Mom's PC.

If Windows is absolutely required, then that may be a reason why my interest in this was only 'tentative'.



Anyway ----- Though I can probably do some more work to make the games "more appealing" on a Computer Platform, I have managed to port Air Defence and Blaine Bananatree to work with a gamepad controller on Mac.


So, I have some work to do for a bit here. Hopefully, everything will be fine. The games work, the next tweaks would pretty much be cosmetic.



My number one, my biggest, concern for bringing my games to a new game store is the potential that something will break with Unity 3D v4 on a newer version of any operating system.


Unity 3D v4 is great -- it works --- it's all I need for my games (so far).


It would be a real pity if I had to upgrade my version of the Unity Engine, again, for fears that something might break.


All in all, I have an excuse to save up for the new cheap Mac Mini now.


Remember: Donations are welcome. If you read my books::: I don't get told that I get paid so it would be really nice if you would repent and leave me some bitcoin in a donation so I can turn that bitcoin into an Apple Store Gift Card and use it to help buy a new machine.




The really amazing thing is I actually felt encouraged, I felt the wherewithal to actually sit down on my games again and make them work on a system other than OUYA and Cortex.

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Introducing ULTRA

Today I received an email.

I have been invited to publish my games again.

There's a new upcoming platform which hopes to break into the gaming market.

It is called ULTRA.

The website is found at ultra.io.



Basically:::: this is a new way of trying to make the gaming industry profitable for everyone. Nothing wrong with a little competition. I'm up for that.


So, as long as these guys support their platform on macOS ---- then there is looking like a high probability that the Bananatree games will return.


I signed up for the mailing list a moment ago. I hope that worked OK (after signing up for the mailing list I was wondering if the transaction worked or not --- but I was afraid to press the Submit button again).



So, I've stated tentative intentions of getting involved with this system. Let's hope I can get a Unity 3d version 4 game series to port over to this.



I am realizing that if or rather when I jump into this that I might want to have a new mac mini at that point ---- so it's possible that I might have to buy a very low-end mac mini ---- the 3.6ghz 4 core model with only 128gb of SSD.


I say that because for the sake of my game development going on ---- I might want to keep my 2012 mac mini running an older operating system, just in case.

It would be too bad if I updated the OS on this 2012 mac only to find it doesn't work very well with important software.

It's good to have legacy hardware.

So yeah:::: just a chance that I'll be saving for a few months and then buy a lesser machine than I really would have wanted. But it's possible I will do this -- for the sake of running the latest software while keeping a legacy machine that I can use just in case.

This is one reason why the Mac mini model is so important --- it's mini, so it's easy to keep in storage --- it takes less space.

Sunday, November 4, 2018

Did a Google Search for "fake me"

I had an idea this evening.

What if I did a Google Search for my name ---- except this time my name with a different email address server attached to it?

like: krisattfield@alternate-email-server.com


Yeah - I did. Not my actual email address though.



There wasn't much information.


Some of the things you'd expect in a search for me, such as a page from this website.


Someone apparently made a project called "The Eagle's Rook and the Pirate Games" and my name got mentioned somehow on the page.



And then there was the absolute PLETHORA of Avril Lavigne photos or pictures.


Like::: Someone set up TWO Pinterest pages basically all about Avril Lavigne ---- and somehow my name was connected, even if I couldn't find it on the page.



So yeah. I don't collect tonnes of pictures of Avril personally.



So:::: How did that happen? Someone knew of her and I and somehow a google search for "fake me" results heavily in her. Huh



Anyway -------



One of the biggest initial reasons I wrote The Book of Finch was so I could raise money to basically be a closer friend to her.


It is basically impossible for me to get married on AiSH Disability Benefits alone. especially when I wrote The Book of Finch.



So:::::::: all these years later, I'm finally out of debt, have a little savings---------- but not nearly enough to buy a car and learn to drive. Not enough for a plane ticket. Maybe enough for a concert ticket.



So:: yeah::: it seemed logical that if I was going to date Avril that I'd need to be as financially free as she is --- because for the previous years nobody wanted a guy like me to be close to her --- so maybe a similar economic status might help.


Unfortunately, I spent years paying off the debt I accrued from publishing and advertising ----- and people just didn't pay me.


SO:::: I just spent years trying to raise money to pursue a relationship with someone who apparently seemed to want me ----------


Only to find that people were unable or unwilling to pay me for my products.


So I spent years just surviving, and paying off debt.



It's been 8 years since The Book of Finch.



I'm pretty sure the book has had pretty decent distribution.



And yet most or all of that distribution seems to have been maybe piracy because I don't get paid.



I try to explain the lack of funding I receive ------ but in the end, I just didn't make the money I needed.



I try to speculate on what happened to whatever I should have earned.


My favorite answer is maybe my earnings were diverted to The Alberta Government, or maybe the Avril Lavigne Foundation somehow acquired what I earned.



There's always the possibility that no one would pay ----- regardless of how I try to make my reality seem like everyone would do the right thing ------ it's possible that people don't have money. I realize that too. (but to have an internet connection and no money? Huh).


Anyway. Yeah.



Whoever created these Pinterest pages:::: It's obviously no secret my involvement with Avril.



And yet very few people paid me for my work. So I can't raise the money I need to learn to drive or buy a car or just be in an economically similar situation as her.



Anyway ---- by the year 2010 it was looking like I might have actually had some chance of actually being with her ----- except I didn't have the cash to actually do anything.


hence writing books and trying to do things to make money.


And then nobody paid.


So huh.



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On a side note, I realize some of the information in The Book of Finch might come as a complete shock to some people, especially really naive Latter Day Saints.


Well:::: Today YOUTUBE showed me a video to explain the Biblical version of the Doctrine that explains a same or similar topic I discuss in my book.


That doctrine, though mentioned right there in The Book of Mormon and even The Bible ----- may have been completely hidden from all the Latter Day Saints I knew for as long as I was there.


And then my book. And the shock.


But it was always right there, in The Book of Mormon and The Bible ----- it might seem like a complete shock that this is the truth, but hey I was only reading the scripture for myself and living my life.


And I realize that no one else at church seemed to realize the doctrine.  They all seemed to believe the opposite of the actual doctrine for some reason.


Anyway:::: I realize it may seem like a complete shock what I said in my book on a certain topic, but that was all 100% Book of Mormon based----- and now I've found the exact same information is in the Book of Hosea according to Youtube.


So, don't sweat it, that's just the way things are. And I know::: I'm apparently wrong to take a position for or against either. Just live with it.

Friday, November 2, 2018

This is getting weird (Forgiveness Stuff)

I previously made a Youtube video that touched on a topic discussed in The Miracle of Forgiveness by Spencer W Kimball.

Today I was looking at my copy of the book in what I thought was the same section of the text.

Either:

a) Someone very sneakily took my copy of the book and replaced it with a different edition

or

b) The words of what the book says have actually magically just changed right on the page.

It is so weird.



Years ago I was reading in the book and I found information that really got me going all hysterical because of how the bishop previously contradicted the teaching -----


and now, today, in the supposedly same section of the book the book now says something completely different and even goes in a different direction.


It really is like someone switched out my copy for a different edition.


ANYWAY:::::

In this copy of the book I was looking at today, it didn't take long, just looking at "random" pages to find a complete contradiction in the doctrine::::

On a certain page in the book (I can't remember which) it says REPENTANCE IS NECESSARY IN ORDER TO BE FORGIVEN.

If you flip to another page of the book, it says YOU MUST FORGIVE REGARDLESS OF IF THEY REPENT OR NOT.

It's a decently thick book, so it's just interesting that it gives the viewpoint of the sinner and the victim in two different parts and teaches two completely different concepts that don't even really agree with each other realistically.

One basically always requires repentance or else no forgiveness.

The other one always requires forgiveness, even without repentance.

Maybe I can't quite explain the conundrum here in words, but if you have a logical mind you should be able to see that something isn't making sense.

It would have been nice of Kimball had put those two teachings ON THE SAME PAGE. Even: In the same paragraph.

That might've helped clarify the church for some people.



ALSO::::

SO::::

Historically, church leaders would always quote D&C 64.

Recently, the church released a new resource on dealing with abuse, especially with forgiveness issues.

In D&C 64, you are ordered to always forgive everyone, and if not then Jesus will punish you severely.

In the new online resource, the church is now saying you will need basically help from, and approval from, Jesus in order to forgive.



SO::::: Way back, the church would just force you to forgive things or else you get severely punished.


Now they are saying that you literally need Jesus Christ himself to help walk you through the forgiveness process step by step IF the matter is even going to be forgiven.


The old way::: Just do it::: Just forgive all men or else you face consequences.

The new way::: Forgiveness is ONLY possible with the help and approval of Jesus Christ.



Again, if you have the right kind of mind, you should be able to see a giant gap between these two different doctrines being taught by the supposedly same church in different time periods.


Basically, in the old way, it was "on you" to always forgive, and the Lord would be vindictive if you didn't.


In the new way, it's "on Jesus" to approve forgiveness and to help you forgive because apparently, you aren't able to forgive of your own will and power now anymore.



it's just interesting::: In the old way, you might really question "Should this really just be forgiven? I mean, it seems so wrong, maybe the perp should face consequences" but then the church would just require you to let it go or else you face severe penalty.


In the new way:::: The church finally realizes that sometimes something can be so wrong that you might actually need Jesus' help or even just Jesus' Sovereign approval for something to be forgiven as if you didn't already realize that years ago under the D&C 64 rules.



Anyway:::: A complete change in doctrine.


My brother looks at the new information as basically BS, even if it looks more palatable, it obviously isn't actually accurate and this is how I'd explain that opinion:::

We have just been forgiving everything for years, under THREAT from the Lord.

Why on earth did it suddenly just become so important for Jesus himself to be involved in helping you to forgive?


We didn't need Jesus to "help" us do it back then, so, therefore, it's not necessarily true that we absolutely need Jesus' help to do it in today's world.


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And the final thing I want to touch on::::


THE DEFINITION OF FORGIVENESS.



I think everyone or society as a whole, especially in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, is very confused about what the word "forgive" even means and how it works and what it's for.


There's what Jesus said in the bible. That should be clear in what it says. You should be able to interpret what the Bible says to get an understanding of what is meant by that word.



But then Joseph Smith changed the doctrine surrounding that word, and because the definition doesn't make practical sense to be applied to the word in the new doctrine, apparently we also had to change the definition of the word.


There are basically two parties as I see it:::


There's the

1) Emotional Party.

To this group, forgiveness is some kind of gift you give yourself so you can feel good again. It's all about feelings to these people, just to remove any bad feelings about anything bad that may ever have happened.

2) The Brass Tax Party

To this group, forgiveness is more than just an emotional process you do to make yourself feel better::: This group actually tries to make forgiveness LITERALLY MEANINGFUL by applying a definition of the word that says:::: "If I remove your penalty for your offense, then by the grace of God the penalties I face will be removed from my offenses". This group believes that by NOT PUNISHING a person you forgive, that they themselves will not be punished for their own wrongdoing. Basically: If I won't punish/condemn you, then God won't punish/condemn me.


NOTE:::: The Brass Tax definition works best purely in a BIBLICAL sense with the PROPER DOCTRINE applied to it.


What is the PROPER DOCTRINE?

I will point out that in THE BIBLE that GOD/JESUS does NOT REQUIRE forgiveness in every circumstance. He never did.

Only in the new Joseph Smith/D&C 64 context does The Brass Tax policy not make any sense anymore, and you basically have to redefine the word in the Purely Emotional way, apparently.



So, yeah::: it's all just kind of confusing, all the voices saying this and that about the Forgiveness topic.

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Concerning Information

This blog post will have two parts: part 1 is my concern for my Dad's mental health, and part 2 is my concern for anything The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has ever taught.


1) I learned this evening, after verbally spending hours discussing new information on the church --- that the reason my Dad doesn't like hearing me discuss the issues is because it basically gives him a headache. Every time.

Growing up, I was one of the smartest kids in school. I worked as hard as I had to to get the grades. And I remember as I was studying to learn the Java programming language (by myself from a book) that this is where I could initially feel signs of my brain wearing out and shutting down.

I had gone through so much work, and had taken such a beating, that my brain was shutting down to the point of hearing loud angry voices in the back of the head --- soon to get diagnosed with schizophrenia.

The only subject that my Dad was really good at in school was Math. He could barely get through English class.

I, however, was a top student and was much more well-rounded.

To be honest:::: To me I'm just wondering if my Dad's mind hasn't expanded yet to the point of being able to handle all the information I present. And I wonder if he actually tried to get a grasp of the information if he'd have a mental breakdown too.

I have some memory that it's possible that a person's brain is just physically incapable of handling the information they are given or about how it feels to have a brain that's shutting down.

Anyway ---- EVERYONE in the house is perfectly capable of understanding me as I go on for hours about new church information and ways of looking at it ----- but my Dad gets headaches every time and appears to be unable to handle the amount of information. Somehow, I just wonder if he is somehow physically incapable (in his mind) and might have a breakdown about it.

I wonder if Paliperidone would help him. It's possible, I guess, that my brain was able to recover as well as it has, perhaps somehow due to the psychiatric drug I take. Or maybe it's the magic words I repeat to make myself smart.

Whatever the case is::: My Dad has always had a big problem with me examining the issues, and he says it gives him a headache ---- except he's the ONLY person in the family who has this problem. My brother and mother are able to listen to me wonder about the issues and they provide some social or emotional comfort and help me feel that someone is listening.

My Dad has rarely been able to give the social or emotional substance and is largely unable to handle pretty much any discussion on the issues.

Anyway. I just wonder if his mind isn't big enough yet. Or if he's going to have a breakdown.





2) Upon testing my browsers with the new update of macOS --- I ended up looking at the LDS.org church website today.

The LDS.org church website says they have a new resource ----- a website designed to deal with the topic of abuse. This is a very important topic, because as I am well aware, and as the church says the UN (or some part of the UN) is well aware ------- abuse is a very prominent and widespread issue.

So::: the church says they and The Lord CONDEMN ALL abuse.

So, I was thinking, if they condemn all abuse::: then what about D&C 64 when it says we are REQUIRED to FORGIVE ALL men?

I got a little confused ---- I'm not sure I've understood something, so I looked at the abuse.lds.org webpage article about how an abuse victim might go about forgiving an abuser ---- forgiving an abuser who will not, apparently, escape condemnation for their actions.

Like ---- to me forgiving and condemnation are two opposite sides of the same coin. That's how I've always understood the issue of forgiveness versus punishment/condemnation --- they are two opposite ways in which to deal with an offense.

But the church is telling us that it will be condemned but we can also forgive it at the same time.


Anyway:::: There's a LOT of information I could discuss from my hours of discussion today::: but the main thing is this::::


The dead Church leader, prophet and apostle, Spencer W Kimball taught some very specific things about forgiveness in his book "The Miracle of Forgiveness".


BUT ----- in the new article about forgiveness and how an abuse victim can try to forgive ----- the Church is now basically just saying that Spencer W Kimball was wrong.  Kimball said very specific things, and now the church is no longer propagating those views, and in fact completely contradicts those views now.


IN FACT::::: At the end of the article, there is a list of other resources, generally from Living church people, even Apostles, and these resources from the apostles are in church publications ----- but not only is the church completely going opposite of what a past prophet said ---- now they are even saying you can't even necessarily trust what a currently living and operating apostle has said.




Basically::::: When the church has turned around and starting saying that living apostles of the church do not even represent the official viewpoint:::: well:::: obviously there's so much information in the church, and one really has to wonder what information is ever trustworthy ever in the church.



There are some people in the church who will tell you that no one in a leadership position can EVER be criticized. Not even criticism. Not ever.



But the church, on this website, basically just said that you can't even necessarily trust a living and ordained apostle to give you the straight deal.


And then there are all the past prophets that the church just kind of disowned.


And then when you realize the church kind of disowned some things in The Book of Mormon --- and The Pearl of Great Price ---- and even the Doctrine & Covenants don't get entirely listened to.



You know ---- it's just weird when you are growing up in the church and they're telling you they know the scriptures are true and that we have to follow the prophet.


And then upon further research, the church doesn't actually follow the scriptures and they completely contradict the past prophets and are now even telling you living apostles aren't even necessarily trustworthy.



But when you are growing up the church completely criticizes The Bible as unsound doctrine that was probably wrongly changed by some guy somewhere at some point --------



and in the end what it looks like is that in reality, The Bible is the only book that makes a whole lot of sense anyway, while all these prophets and extra scriptures can just be ignored.



I mean ----- the church likes to pressure young men into giving two years of their lives to the cause----- but what exactly is the cause anyway?


They tell you the scriptures are true, to follow the prophet, and that the Bible is untrustworthy --- a bunch of young people in the church spend years of their lives trying to help propagate the cause -----



but if you really research all the documents and all the teachings and now the new abuse website resource ------


The whole premise of the church was wrong. You can't trust so much of the dead prophets or even the living apostles. They don't even actually follow their own scriptures. And The Bible is the one book that actually seems to make any actual sense.


Anyway ---- it's just a big shock to me, having had to spend and invest so much of my life in the church, only to find out it wasn't what I thought it was.




I joined the church initially because they taught repentance ----- I thought if my family repented of their poor decisions we might live a good life.



But when you actually join and live in the church -------- they completely stop talking about repentance and just start talking about forgiveness. What does this mean? It means it was never important to actually change your ways, and now all the flaws in your family will never go away because they will never be challenged, the other cheek will always have to be turned from now on.


And then when you've had enough of the garbage being told to forgive everything all the time, and you finally decide it's your turn to start being forgiven --- that's when the church stops forgiving things and starts bringing in the punishment.



1) They preach repentance, but then never actually require repentance.

2) They tell you to forgive everything, which means when anything goes wrong it will never be dealt with or rectified.

3) When you finally had enough of that and you want your turn to be forgiven, that's when they stop forgiving and bring down the condemnation.



It's enough to drive a guy bonkers.



Anyway::: final note:::: in my discussion with my Dad today, he basically just said you should NEVER talk to a Latter-Day Saint about what the Holy Ghost has ever told you.


Why?  Because you will be met, apparently, with instant disagreement ---- that is basically what my Dad said.


I know ---- the church teaches personal revelation and listening to the still small voice of the holy ghost ------- and they teach it's wrong to deny the holy ghost ------ blasphemy against the holy ghost is the unforgivable sin -------


but my Dad pointed out that if you ever tell anyone in the church about what the holy ghost tells you apparently they will instantly disagree and just argue with you about it.


Like, this is a matter of eternal salvation here::: if you blaspheme the holy ghost you are doomed -----


and yet if the holy ghost actually talks to you, and the church says it WILL talk to you, if you tell someone else at church they basically WILL disagree with you ------- which is a real concern because it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

A logical conclusion to draw from a church that is likely to never accept a revelation from the Holy Ghost is that they just don't actually believe in God or the Holy Ghost. IF it's going to be wrong every time---- then that must mean they don't really believe in that stuff --- it's a logical way of looking at it.

and if the church is telling you to believe in personal revelation and the voice of the spirit --- but will always reject your personal testimony------

just like they told me I'd work miracles but then started forcing me on drugs for believing in miracles ------

well, that all sounds just quite abusive to me.






Anyway ---- maybe I'm crazy with all the information I'm having to deal with here and how confusing it is----- and now I wonder how to fix my Dad because his brain might not be physically capable of handling all the information ---- just like I had a meltdown once when things became too confusing.



Anyway ---- I could probably go on forever on this topic, and there's so much information to cover in so many directions ------ but, in the end, it may just all be a complete waste of time --- because it may all have been meaningless from the beginning.

2 Emails and about upgrading

This morning I logged into my 1.4ghz mac mini and found there was an update for my version of macOS.

I installed it.

I kind of wish I didn't. Why?

Because Google Chrome just became so slow on that computer I have difficulty connecting to websites --- I'm having to write this post on my OUYA Dev machine -- mac mini from 2012.



Yeah ---- so, the new mac minis ---- they look FANTASTIC, like dream machines ---- but I'm afraid that if I don't get paid for my work, especially for my books, I won't be upgrading to one any time soon.


I get forgiveness points, more or less, for forgiving people for not paying me ----- but really, if I wanted to continue in the development business I would want one of these new mac minis ------ but my current income, even if it is generous for a disability income, will take some time to save up for such a device.


And I'm not going back into deep debt to buy a computer, especially when there's zero guarantee that people will pay me for my new work.


So:::: There is some possibility that I could continue developing video games ----- but that is put on an indefinite hold while people don't pay me for what I've already done and I have to save my current mediocre income in order to afford a new dev machine.




I recently received a new portable music stand in the mail from Amazon.

Yesterday I set it up, put my Christmas Sheet Music for Guitar on ----- and started figuring out my Jingle Bells.

So much fun.


Also::: good news::: My C Major Chord is starting to sound better, although not yet entirely perfected yet it is doing much better. Yay.




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Now ---- In the past days I received 2 emails.


One email was from a Russian man who wanted to tell me something about making an annual income while he was on a trip to Egypt.


He sent the email using Google Photos.


I clicked on his link, but I felt leery about logging into a webpage with my Google Account just to look at photos by some stranger.


If you want to send me photos or anything, just write it down in an email ---- I'm very suspicious or "leery" about logging in to any site with my personal credentials --- especially my Google account.







And then --- this Morning:::


I got an email from a man named Gavin Stephenson on my OUYA icloud email.

He starts the email saying "Hello Superstar" and says he hopes I'll join him for something he's doing for the law of attraction. The address in the email is in London.



OK ----- For a moment I thought he might even be talking directly to me ----- but then I did a search for his name in my email ---- and realized I had signed up for his mailing list so I could download something he did about using the law of attraction to get rich.



Though amusing that I was referred to as "Superstar" and thinking he was personally talking to me - and then realizing it's just a mailing list thing ----


I thought I should talk on this blog a little about the Law of Attraction and making money, as I've experienced it.


When I was 13 or 14 years old --- I asked God in a personal prayer for a million dollars. A few years later Avril Lavigne was running about basically singing about being in love with me, as I interpret the song.


But::: there's a problem:::: people around me don't want me to be rich. In fact, as far as I am aware, to this day ---- My Mom REFUSES to pray for me to make a million dollars ---- which means I do not have permission to make a tonne of money.


I'm sure I could make a tonne of money, but I think something about my Mom not wanting it might be holding me back.


Anyway ----- the good news is this:::: Earlier this year I was alone with my Dad and my Brother ---- and I said a prayer, all 3 of us involved, just asking God for a specific amount of money. It's a big sum to a very poor person, but not enough to really be super rich.


Anyway, just weeks later my Mom had somehow acquired the exact amount of money that we had asked for in prayer --- and she wanted my help to get it invested in a GIC (Guaranteed Investment Certificate).


SO:::: The Law of Attraction does seem to work well enough, the 3 of us basically got exactly what we asked for in just weeks ---- but it's non-redeemable right now and just earning interest.


The Law of Attraction works so well that my Mom also gets her desire --- that I NOT make my million dollars.




In fact, you can trace the origins of my supposed craziness or insanity back years ago when my sisters and their friends were deliberately trying to drive me insane.


To tell the truth, nobody wants to place any blame anywhere for anything negative ---- but the fact is the negative aspect of life did exist and I know that my sisters stated they were trying to drive me insane. So ---- that's the explanation.


But yeah.  This last part of this post was basically just my commentary in relation to an email I received about Law of Attraction ------ the Law of Attraction works so well that I'm actually not allowed to be super-rich it seems because I don't have permission from my Mom. So, I just live like I'm disabled and collecting my meagre income, wishing people would pay me so I can buy one of these new dream-machine mac minis.

Sunday, October 28, 2018

Unexpectedly feeling "The Holy Ghost"

I was just looking up my books on Amazon.

Right as I started looking up "Kris Attfield" in the Amazon search --- I looked at my list of books and I started feeling that distinctive feeling The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints refers to as "the Holy Ghost".


I mean, normally I can feel happy. I also have experienced depression in the past.


And to tell the truth, feeling what I've been feeling for the past few moments, I know that I don't normally feel this feeling.


But just as I was looking at my books:::: it just washed over me, I could feel it fill me:::: that warmth in my bosom.


In a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints hymn, they sing "The Spirit of God like a fire is burning".


Anyway ----- The Church trains you when you get baptized to feel for that Holy Ghost feeling.


And I realize how much of my time I spent NOT feeling that feeling.


But, amazingly, and unexpectedly:::: I was looking at my books on Amazon, when my heart was filled with warmth, with the flame.


That should be saying something spiritually.





Although, I will note that what I understand of psychiatry ---- well, the doctors aren't likely to look at that feeling like any sort of Holy Ghost type thing at all ---- to them feelings are really all in the realm of chemicals in your brain.



The Mormons taught me it was the Spirit of God though.


So who knows.


It's just very interesting that I'd be filled with that feeling while looking at my books. Unexpected.




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In other news, I thought of some other things I would have wanted to talk about on my blog --- but I decided to talk about it with my father instead.

Amazingly enough, saying it to my Dad actually got it off my chest and his response settled me down, which is unusual because I usually feeling distinctly unfulfilled trying to talk to my Dad about stuff.

Anyway, that means I can keep it off my blog ---- largely because I think I've already said it somewhere else a while back, and it's not really the happiest thing I could be talking about.