When I was in Grade 12 Calculus class, my mind was a wreck --- I was emotionally ruined and I could not bring my mind to concentrate.
Pretty much the same thing in University Calculus. I couldn't bring myself to concentrate on the subject matter very well.
It would often be a situation where, basically, my mind would either go completely blank (unthinking) or would have some stupid garbage running incessantly through my mind (uncontrollably thinking about the wrong thing).
15 years later.
I watched a video about 5th graders learning basic calculus concepts on Youtube ---- then today I got more curious on the subject and bought an ebook to learn calculus.
I read the introduction and the first couple chapters.
I did some practice questions with myself, to see if I could understand and demonstrate the concepts (using my graphing calculator as help).
At first, I was making some kind of mistake. I was doing something wrong --- my mind had mixed up some of the information.
Then I looked at the book again.
I did my practice questions again.
I got it. I've nailed it.
I now know what a derivative is and how to arrive at a correct answer.
And then my Dad told me this handy little math trick which is basically an easy algorithm to calculate a derivative quickly. And it worked.
I am, apparently, more mentally developed now than I was as a grade 11/12 student.
In grade 11 I got 98% in chem 20 final exam but didn't know anything about calculus.
In grade 12 my brain started failing and I wasn't learning calculus or chemistry very well.
But I've gotten, now, all these years later, back to a point of being able to learn what I should've known back then.
Wow. I am so happy. My brain used to be pretty messed up ----- but I AM recovering --- I now know how to do something I couldn't wrap my mind around when I was young. And it's so easy too ----which means I was REALLY messed up.
I did some research about what schizophrenia is online, and psychologists are absolutely correct:::: when someone experiences too much abuse they are more likely to become schizophrenic.
That's what I sum it up as in my own life:::::: I look back at my memories, and people were generally just treating me so badly that I wasn't capable of being happy anymore, and I was "jumping off the deep-end to drown in a pool of despair". That's the best way I can put it.
And, I'll just note I was thinking about the root cause of where the abuse came from::::
Two main discoveries::::
If the people of the Mormon church HAD ACTUALLY FORGIVEN ME LIKE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO ------ then the abuse levels would have been heavily reduced and I'd be better off.
BUT:::: if for some reason forgiveness for myself was unnecessary::::
THEN THE BISHOP SHOULD NOT BE TELLING ME TO FORGIVE EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME.
If I have to forgive everything, then everyone has to forgive me.
It was a situation where, as instructed, I would forgive everyone and yet still be constantly treated like shit.
If people didn't have to forgive me ------ then the Bishop SHOULD NOT have been requiring me to forgive everything-----
Conversely, if I didn't have to forgive everything, and I was allowed to punish things, then by punishing someone who was consistently and insistently wronging me, I could have caused that behavior to cease, and my mind would be more at ease.
The basic problem was::::
The Mormons did not follow their own doctrine
They were not clear on what their actual doctrine was anyway.
If the Mormon church had been making more sense back then, I would have felt less abused, and I might've managed to stay in school until graduation.
My schizophrenia really was, essentially, just driven by a culture of, essentially, very bad behaviors in my Mormon community.
But the really good news is I now understand derivatives better, and I know or have some idea how to calculate them.
I am so happy to finally grasp some calculus.