Saturday, October 21, 2017

My Speculation

There are many, many possible reasons why it's so hard for me to make money at what I've done. The payment I mentioned in my last post wasn't very big.

I could speculate about my past.

Years ago, when I was in Avril Lavigne's fan club, I was so obsessed and in love with her that it's possible the kind of thing I would have done was offer her all my earnings from future projects.

If I did do that, then I managed to forget that I did, so I'm not sure if that's actually what's happening, but I can imagine it was the sort of offer I would have made to her at the time. Although I must've forgotten I did if I did.



Whatever the spiritual explanation, whether it's lots of donations to charity or just all the ways I've failed to prosecute people who steal from me ----- in the last few days before my psychiatric medication injection I start to feel really happy, really good, quite high.


I'm always or usually feeling pretty good these days, but the feeling gets stronger in the last little while before my injection, suggesting that the last injection might be wearing off.


Last time I saw my doctor, I had her give me a prescription for paliperidone pills - she gave me 7 pills of 3mg each --- the smallest dosage possible.


This morning, I noticed I was a lot happier than normal ---- so I took my first 3mg paliperidone pill.


I did feel the pill seem to have the effect of smoothing out that high --- I began to feel closer to normal, although still feeling pretty good.


3mg is the lowest dosage of pill available ---- maybe 6mg would have a stronger effect.


So yeah --- this is my life now, I take psychiatric meds so I don't feel too good. I feel good, just not TOO good.



I also noticed that my soul feels a sort of a bit of nervousness with this blog.  In the past few months, the popularity of this blog seems to have "substantially" increased, so maybe I'm just getting a bit of stage fright.


It's definitely great that I'm living a happy life now ---- my past history, especially my childhood, was pretty messed up, so it's good to find calm and rest.


I am definitely more sheltered as an adult than I was as a kid.

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