Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Feeling too Good

I don't currently have any ebooks on sale anymore:: I took my ebooks offline a while back.

But a couple nights ago I decided to look up on Google if there were any ebooks by me available online.

I found a site that lets you download The Eagle's Sore ---- the page said they had 729 ratings for my book, and the rating was 4.2/5.

Seeing such a good rating, of course, helped me feel good, and I was also feeling pretty good about how famous I had become ----

But, of course, nobody has actually paid me for my book yet.

Two things:

1) If those 729 people had actually paid me for my book, I would be a lot closer to getting started on work on my next project.

2) Feeling so good about my good rating, I started feeling high, especially as I don't get my psychiatric injection for a few days.

What I found about feeling too high is that it's hard to sleep, and it isn't necessarily a good thing to feel that way all the time.

My regular injection flattens me out, I'm sure,

But I needed something to help get rid of that feeling.

So I took some Seroquel I had from a while back ---- it helped me sleep --- but I also noticed it got rid of that super-high feeling. Yay.

I'm going to have to ask my Psychiatrist for some Paliperidone tablets or something for these last few days before injection. I've noticed I start feeling weird as the last injection starts wearing off, as I head to my next injection.



So, for some strange reason, this site that has a copy of my ebook for download said the publisher was in LONDON.

I am so confused by that. I have no recollection of using a London Publisher - ever - and of course, it's just too bad for me that I didn't get paid.


That money could have helped me work on my next project ---- so who knows if I'll even feel like working on my next project when I am able to do so.


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When I listened to LDS General Conference, what I heard sounded so good. I felt good, it sounded good, so why would I have room in my mind for the opposition?

I may have felt pretty hypnotized or something to be Mormon again, listening to Conference ---

but this morning I remembered some of my confusion of Doctrine that tells me I'm not likely to go back to church.


Here's what I remembered, what I'm confused about:

1) D&C 64

2) "I'm trying to be like Jesus".


In D&C 64 we learn that the Lord picks and chooses who he forgives and who he punishes --- but for "us" it is required to forgive all men.

The church tells us that Jesus wants us to be like Him, that we are trying to be like Jesus.


This is where my confusion lies:


If I was trying to be like Jesus, that would mean I forgive and punish the same people Jesus forgives and punishes the same way ----

But I am required to forgive all men -----


Therefore I'll never quite be like Jesus.


It's weird::: They tell us we are trying to be like someone who we are never actually allowed to be like. It's the goal they give us which is unattainable.

To be like Jesus, as they say, I should be, I would do the same things he does ---- except according to the actual rules I'm NOT ACTUALLY ALLOWED to actually be like the savior.


So at that point, it all seems very confusing and like a useless waste of time.

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