Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Scared of all the people for Halloween

My blog suddenly saw a surge of popularity today.

The introvert inside me feels frightened, like stage fright or something.

I almost wonder if I made a mistake by going into a form of business online.

Seeing as how I discuss some touchy issues in my writing sometimes, I would wonder if I have real reason to fear ----

But at least I can suppose that I'm at least on the right side of the law in my country, hopefully, because my brother-in-law was recently hired as a Police Officer. Yes --- I am now related to a cop. And this isn't just for Halloween either.

I do try to be a good person, doing what I understand to be right.

But considering how defective my childhood experiences were, yes, I am getting kind of scared of my fame.



My rise to fame mostly seems driven by the LDS Patriarchal blessing I received combined with how I personally relate to Avril Lavigne's music, as well as other texts.


It's just too bad I'm not making money, despite becoming famous ---- when I was a kid, my hopes were I'd be the opposite --- that I'd be rich but NOT famous. A strange twist of fate.


But who knows if my money is just hoarded by some banker or government official in a Registered Disability Savings Plan or if it's heavily taxed or if some charity benefits.


I have no idea why it's so hard to get paid, other than maybe people just can't afford it --- which doesn't totally make sense unless I remember what life was like when I was younger where funding was very scarce. I try to have empathy for the poor, as I can relate from my childhood. It just looks like 'being poor' is now a widespread condition. But yes, I remember being quite poor when I was young, and I realize how bad being poor sucks.


Fame without the corresponding riches.  Opposite of my desires in childhood.


And maybe I'm too introverted for this. Or maybe it's paranoia about defective people. Who knows.

Friday, October 27, 2017

Why Society Should Always Use Cash

In the Book of Revelations, the economic system of "The Beast" is one where if you do not have the mark, you can not buy or sell.

It is possible that a cashless society could be seen as being like "The Beast" system because you need your card or your phone or whatever in order to make transactions.

Having cash as money, however, is contrary to The Beast system, because you can just receive cash and give cash, no identifying marks necessary.

Did I mention The Book of Revelations says if you accept The Beast you cannot be saved? There might be a very basic reason for that:::



The internet is a point of weakness in such a system. If the internet goes kablooey, then there can be no trading.



I do have some enjoyment of bitcoin, it's fun to resemble a sci-fi society like in Star Wars or Cowboy Bebop in real life ------



But I've run into an example where the internet didn't even have to go down, and I'm still seeing a problem with the technology.



I have made a few bitcoin transactions in my time.  Most of them have been just fine. I donated some bitcoin to the Linux Mint project, I donated some bitcoin to a charity.


But yesterday I heard there was a sale on Steam for a game on my wishlist, and I learned that Steam accepts bitcoin, so I decided to try it out.


Everything went perfectly- EXCEPT for how it's taking over 12 hours to get the first confirmation of my transaction.



Why would that be?  There is so much hashing power on the network you'd think they'd be able to do my transaction in a jiffy, especially since I paid for the best service -- I paid the most expensive transaction fee I could see on the list, which was only supposed to take 20 minutes to confirm.


over 12 hours later and still no confirmation.


This is just one basic reason why The Book of Revelations may be right ---- Even if the internet doesn't go down, it might still take half a day just to do what you want.


And if the internet goes down --- then everyone is pooched.


Cash is a good thing. Bitcoin is fun, but right now it's only reminding me of why Cash is so great.


Considering how powerful the bitcoin network is, like all the nodes and miners ---- It should have been a very quick process ----- but it's taking over 12 hours. Something is wrong, or messed up or something.


UPDATE::::: Sunday, October 29th, 2017

I had heard that China banned bitcoin, and I had earlier heard that there was a lot of mining in China - so it comes as no surprise that,

In just a small time recent, the hash rate on the bitcoin network dropped from almost 13 million TH/s to 6.1 million TH/s.

This might explain why my transaction STILL hasn't been processed.


UPDATE #2:::::

The Transaction finally received it's first confirmation - after about 60 hours.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

What if I'm wrong?

It's so easy to think the logical explanation for yesterday's situation is that the Halloween Injections Nurse IS Avril ---

But what if that's actually a false assumption????

When the nurse said "Avril has never been here nor will she ever come here" ---- that may seem like she is Avril teasing me or something,

but what if she is actually just a body double and she doesn't know about my previous sightings?

What if she was those previous sightings?

What if I was just hallucinating?



Oh wow. I'm like the craziest guy. I mean, nothing about what I thought I saw may be "real" -- especially when I've had magical experiences seeing Jesus.



As I rode the bus around town today, I thought about my childhood and thought I was a "cringe-worthy" child ------ I may have been seen as the smartest kid at school, but I still wasn't that smart anyway. I've grown up a lot since then.


But compared to being a "cringe-worthy" child, I think about my relationships with females and, well, I haven't "liked" or "crushed-on" many females in my life ---- but I now wonder if I am just a little bit strange with how I "like" girls. Not that there have been many girls I've liked, just the "ballerinagirl" and Avril Lavigne -- really.


I am so weird.



If it's true that Avril has never been to my hospital or the clinic at that hospital before ---- then I must seem like the strangest person by now.


I am certain that there is a greater reality ----- if I can guess what my computer is thinking in a random guessing game I designed myself ---- then I have proven there is something more in the world.  And that much is scientific about this.


My logical assumption would be that the nurse is Avril. But, if that's wrong, then I am a very very strange man.

Reality is a Strange thing to figure out

Last night I decided to check my junk email box.

Someone sent me an email saying they were "frustrated" with me.

In the email, they said they've been trying to send me a gift, and something about how they are frustrated that I might think their emails are junk.

They wanted me to click their link.

I DID NOT click the link.

Why?

The name associated with their email addy was different than the name they signed their email with. The email addy itself was also a different name.

And besides, if it goes straight to the junk mailbox, it really is likely to just be junk.

The previous I emails that were similar were saying that someone from a bitcoin club of some kind wanted to give me a big gift or something ----- click the link, please.

Absolutely useless email. If someone has some bitcoin to send, they can send it to my donation addy every easy. And I don't know why they'd value their bitcoin in dollars, especially when they can value their BTC in BTC because the dollar value fluctuates.

But it all seriousness:: I really have to wonder how or why people send such emails - the human race must be pretty confused to send emails like that, and you'd also have to be pretty confused to believe them.


And there's the confusing bit about the Halloween Injection Nurse from yesterday who looks like Avril Lavigne, but claimed: "Avril has never been here nor will she ever come here".

Here I am, I am able to read my parents' minds to some extent, I am able to guess what my computer is thinking to some extent even in a computer guessing game I made ------

But the nurse who looks like Avril is expecting me to believe the multiple sightings I've had of Avril were all never real?

I mean, this goes way back ------- I still remember and have recorded in my book that Avril, or a girl who looked a lot like Avril ----- was at the psychiatric clinic way back in June of 2006, and there was even "an angel" with her.

My Dad verbally told me at the time that he saw Avril, but not the angel, even though the angel was right there with her.


To me, the only logical explanation for why a nurse who looks like Avril would say Avril never was present nor will she ever be, the only explanation is---

is that she IS Avril being someone else for Halloween.

It might be possible that she's just a body double who has no idea what she's talking about --- or that it was just herself as a body double each time ---- but really, even as far back as 2006??? And why an angel if it was just a body double? My biggest thing about seeing an angel with Avril was that maybe I was hallucinating, except my Dad said afterward that he saw Avril too.


To me, the most reasonable and most likely explanation is that Avril is the nurse and that she does come visit.

The other explanation is that they like having her body double run about sometimes, and the nurse has every idea who the body double is, even back to 2006.




Reality just gets screwy.



Here I am, I can do pretty well in electronic guessing games, unbelievably, and here I am just trying to understand reality.


People are so weird.




NOTE: one thing that is almost like an obvious giveaway that this Injections Nurse is Avril is that the name that she is called by might be specifically related to a special word used back in my first days of knowing Avril.  She just named herself after a special word in my relationship with her --- so that's like an obvious dead giveaway almost.




And after all these years, our relationship has come to this:: she's likely pretending to be someone else with me in the psychiatric clinic.


Do I have any idea what to do about that? Not really, except write about what I think.


But it is absolutely awesome that she's my friend. Her Sk8er Boi song was what I needed at that time, and it's great that I can feel befriended by her.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

The Halloween Doctor Visit

I saw my psychiatrist again today - the topic of discussion was the antibiotics I was put on when I had that piece of Titanium screwed into my jaw.

But the really interesting news:

Just like last year's Halloween season, this year's Halloween season's injection's nurse is again, the nurse who looks something like or similar to Avril Lavigne in her appearance.

THIS TIME I finally managed to have a chat with her about how she looks like Avril.

Today her hair wasn't very Avril-ish ---- Avril has never worn her hair like that in the media.


Anyway ----- when I told the nurse that I've seen who appears to be Avril Lavigne right at that clinic at the hospital, that I even got off the bus with her at the hospital that one time -------


The nurse said "Avril Lavigne has never been here before, nor will she ever come here" --- going on to explain how our minds can do really strange things.


Now ---- what do I think?


Either I am so friggin crazy and hallucinatory at this point,

or the Halloween Injections nurse IS Avril Lavigne.



I'm inclined to believe I met Avril Lavigne in person today, that she wasn't being herself for Halloween.


Unless "Avril Lavigne" is just a pseudonym or a stage name, I'm just going to lean towards the belief that the Halloween Injections Nurse IS Avril Lavigne, as I explained in a private email last year.


She is a GREAT ACTRESS of course because as I was talking to her I can't help but think she might be someone else and that I might actually be completely nutty.


You see, I know I've seen what I've seen, right down to the ripped pants Avril in the psychiatric clinic --- either they hire very good imposters,

or more likely Avril Lavigne could not ignore the amazing events that happened at the beginning of our friendship and she does actually visit ---- but acts like someone else specifically to my face for Halloween.


If Avril has never been there before, and she never will be ---- I know I've seen "her" there before, and I am just all too inclined to believe that Avril is the Halloween Injections Nurse at my psychiatric clinic.




I do however completely understand if you think I'm being crazy at this point --- but to me, that's the best logical explanation.



BUT ----- Regardless of how much I am inclined to believe she IS Avril, she can deny it as much as she wants to, so there's not really much I can do about that.



In the event that what she said is true and Avril has NEVER been to that clinic before ---- Then HOLY CRAP I AM INSANE.


I see her at the clinic even though she's never been there.


And then she must think I'm weird for how I sometimes "approach her" online.


I've seen "Jesus" before too --- the experience was so weird and interesting it could be thought I am insane.


Either I'm insane, or the Halloween Injections Nurse IS Avril.  To me, it's that simple.


Of course, in our chat, I mentioned the "Law of Attraction" ---- the idea that I've concentrated on her enough in my life that this must be making her appear to me. That IS how that law works, according to documentation.


So who knows.



Did I mention the regular injections nurse looks kind of like George Lucas? Only kind of like George Lucas though ---- but the Halloween Injections Nurse looks a lot more like Avril than the regular one looks like GL.


Considering my "magical" experiences, such as seeing Jesus ---- how likely is it that I am well deserving of my disability benefit? Wow huh.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

A Strange and Coincidental Experience

If you've read my book The Book of Finch, you'll know my life has been full of really interesting and strange stuff happening.

My book is true, told from my perspective. It's most likely I was insane from a certain perspective, but there's also a true and real psychic perspective which at this point has pretty much been proven.

This post will probably be a bit lengthy --- but I will tell a story of some weirdness that has happened, and I wonder if GOD is somehow behind this weirdness.

Table of Contents:

Part 1
In Part 1 I tell you about the video game I was wanting to build but was never able to because of lack of funding.

Part 2
In Part 2 I tell you about how my game sort of relates to a Netflix movie. This movie was the "nail in the coffin" for this project, as I didn't want to make anything seem too similar.

Part 3
What recently happened, coincidentally, in actual reality, that just makes this whole series of events too strange.



PART 1

My video game idea was most likely going to be called "EXTRA Car to Joe's" and was a two player game.

The premise of the game was that a famous actress, who I made up a name for but didn't need to call her that name (fictional actress) - a fictional famous actress was holding a charity fundraiser to raise funds for a poetry contest --- and the top prize of this charity fundraiser was to go on a date with the actress herself.

(You can, of course, see my interest in Avril Lavigne depicted in this background story for the game - If I didn't have to give most of my money to the dentist, I  could have given her a big birthday gift and maybe got a phone call with her).

So: the two players in the game are competing with each other to raise the most money so they can go on the date.

One player is a substitute newspaper delivery dude. The other player owns a car rental that would be called something like "Joe's Car Rental" and yes, these cars are like Car 2 Go, and this character's job is to take the cars in for repairs at his garage.

One player would make money from delivering newspapers, and the other player would make money from repairing his rental vehicles.

The game would take place in a community that I would artistically build and design, I even thought about basing the design of this community on my home community.

But my idea for this game didn't stop there.

There is an NPC in this game who is also competing in the charity fundraiser.

The Cookie Salesman.

Basically, I took some inspiration from Bitcoin, and decided this game would have an alternate currency called a "Batch Coin" --- which would be much like bitcoin in our world.

The players would be able to trade regular money for BaTC and even purchase cloud-mining services, called "ovens" in this game.

The BaTC could then be used as part of the final tally for the charity fundraiser ---- OR you could spend your BaTC at the Cooke Stand in the park, and these Cookies would give  you special bonuses like speed, that would help you to work harder or faster at your job, creating more income for yourself.

BUT, the BaTC you give to the Cookie Salesman goes towards his score so he just might get the upper hand and win the charity contest, meaning both players lose.

Of course, the joke in this game, which I wouldn't outright state in the game but would let the player figure out for themselves is that they need to buy Batch Coins in order to get a date with the actress. Just a kind of joke.



PART 2

The Netflix movie that I thought was a bit too similar to my game, thus ceasing my ideations and hopes of ever building was "The Bad Batch".

I didn't watch the whole movie, but the Bad Batch seems to be indicative as a reference to the main actress in this movie, and this actress porrays a girl who is a victim to cannibals who cut off her arm and her leg.

The movie takes place in a desert, so again, that was strange considering my previous projects idea of a "wasteland bear" and how Avril made her Rock N Roll music video.

So yeah, an actress who is "The Bad Batch" --- she is food, and she is bad, and, yeah, you get the point.

I didn't even finish the movie. I was turned off by the depictions of cannibalism.




PART 3

Now this really did happen in real life, just a few nights ago, and as my Dad said, there were three of us present all to witness this one strange thing.


Here are some coincidences:


1) My brother in law just recently got a job working for CP Rail.

2) This incident begins underneath the same CP Rail Bridge going over Bowness Road, right near the same locaton where I met "Black Jesus" in The Book of Finch.


So, in the middle of the night, my Dad, my brother and I decided we would head out in our van to go pick up my Mom from her work, yes, in the middle of the night.


As we were driving under the CP Rail Bridge over Bowness Road we saw a young woman who was missing her leg and was using crutches to "walk" as fast as she could through the underpass. The two walkways on both sides were under construction.


My Dad stopped the van when we reached the disabled lady, and he told her it wasn't safe for her to walk around at night like she was with traffic whizzing by.


She got in the van.


Anyway, the short of the story is that she had us drive her to a gas station. The HUSKY gas station.


In case you didn't realize, a Husky is a dog, and it's this dog the gas station is named after.




Anyway ------ Maybe I'm saying too much in this post ----- but considering my video game idea, then the movie that stopped the game, and then we meet an actual person near the black Jesus location on Property that's important to my brother in law's new job who is handicapped like the girl in the movie and has us take her to a Dog Gas Station ------


Really?  It's like my life IS a video game or something, like I'm living in a simulation like the Matrix at this point.


It's kind of like the idea I had that when I was young life got too painful and maybe I died and went to a sort of heaven --- a  heaven which is sort of like a The Matrix simulation.



It's just too weird.



Now, the final touch to this experience, and how it relates to telepathy.


You know how we drove her to the Husky Gas Station?


In my telepathy with Avril Lavigne, or at least, in my thinkings with the thought voices who I deliriously hear and maybe delusionally believe to be Avril Lavigne ---- my thoughts have been centered around Fart Jokes for quite the past while.


So yeah, a Dog Gas Station.


It's like reality is the Marix or something or there's somekind of cosmic sense of humor going on here.


I would probably be happy as ever right now if I wasn't on a Paliperidone tablet to "top up" my dosage before the injection.


But yeah, I wrote this blog post to tell the story for the record of another one of those really strange and weird things that has happened.


And I wouldn't want to give away my game idea, except I now no longer plan of building that game.


Just a weird and interesting story, to say the least, in my opinioni.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

My Speculation

There are many, many possible reasons why it's so hard for me to make money at what I've done. The payment I mentioned in my last post wasn't very big.

I could speculate about my past.

Years ago, when I was in Avril Lavigne's fan club, I was so obsessed and in love with her that it's possible the kind of thing I would have done was offer her all my earnings from future projects.

If I did do that, then I managed to forget that I did, so I'm not sure if that's actually what's happening, but I can imagine it was the sort of offer I would have made to her at the time. Although I must've forgotten I did if I did.



Whatever the spiritual explanation, whether it's lots of donations to charity or just all the ways I've failed to prosecute people who steal from me ----- in the last few days before my psychiatric medication injection I start to feel really happy, really good, quite high.


I'm always or usually feeling pretty good these days, but the feeling gets stronger in the last little while before my injection, suggesting that the last injection might be wearing off.


Last time I saw my doctor, I had her give me a prescription for paliperidone pills - she gave me 7 pills of 3mg each --- the smallest dosage possible.


This morning, I noticed I was a lot happier than normal ---- so I took my first 3mg paliperidone pill.


I did feel the pill seem to have the effect of smoothing out that high --- I began to feel closer to normal, although still feeling pretty good.


3mg is the lowest dosage of pill available ---- maybe 6mg would have a stronger effect.


So yeah --- this is my life now, I take psychiatric meds so I don't feel too good. I feel good, just not TOO good.



I also noticed that my soul feels a sort of a bit of nervousness with this blog.  In the past few months, the popularity of this blog seems to have "substantially" increased, so maybe I'm just getting a bit of stage fright.


It's definitely great that I'm living a happy life now ---- my past history, especially my childhood, was pretty messed up, so it's good to find calm and rest.


I am definitely more sheltered as an adult than I was as a kid.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

I Actually Received a Payment!

After I stopped publishing through AuthorHouse, I started publishing through Lulu.com. And then I also started publishing ebooks through Kindle KDP, and a company called Smashwords.

Smashwords has finally paid up. I stopped publishing my books through them quite some time ago, so it's been quite a while without any money ---- but today I finally received a notification or an email telling me that they have actually paid me a bit of money now.

It took a long time of waiting.

Similar to this one time it took like a few months or a year or something to receive a payment from Amazon.

Of course, these payments are very small, so it's almost meaningless --- but it's still nice to see some money come in.

It took so long.


<><><><><><>


I got a piece of TItanium implanted into my Jaw today. In three months I'll be ready to have a new tooth.

Does this make me a cyborg?


<><><><><><>


And last night I was having thoughts about how people are so indebted in my country and how Avril's foundation, the Red Cross, and the UN's ShareTheMeal programs are all having difficulty actually receiving funds for their charitable purposes.


I used to be in "big" debt with very limited funding.


Mormonism teaches something similar to The Secret --- and that book's sequel, "The Power" ---- you get what you give.



I was going deep into debt when I initially published my first book ---- and as I went into that debt, I decided I would also donate money to charity.


I actually ended up donating quite a bit of money to charity.  And I'm often helping this person and that.



And things have worked out pretty good for me.



It's like the idea of "Karma" --- I did something good for other people, and the universe turns around and does something good for me.


I did manage to pay off that big debt.  I do actually have a positive net worth now as well.  And I was just able to afford a dental implant when I needed it, as well, as finally receive a payment from one publisher.



Maybe you can take this kind of spiritual mumbo-jumbo with a grain of salt if you wish, but I do believe in Karma, or you get what you give. If you give good things, then you will get good things.


And I am in good enough financial position to get a broken tooth replaced.


So, my small suggestion to people would just be to set some money aside to help people who are in very unfortunate circumstances. I believe the Universe will recognize your generosity and help you somehow in return.


Such an idea appears to have done me some good (as well as other people in the world).

Monday, October 16, 2017

A Charity with issues

Today is civic election day in Calgary. I voted. I did not publically declare support for any candidate, however, nor did I have any dreams about who would win. A little while back I just kind of wondered to myself if being involved in politics was a great idea --- especially as I hate it when political parties phone asking for money.



But as I was headed out the door today with my Dad and brother, I was stopped by two people from the Canadian Red Cross.


Their goal was to find funding to help people in the local community. Like, to deal with bullying, homelessness, seniors' care and stuff like that.



The main speaker from the Red Cross who spoke to us was a woman who identified herself as a Professor of Biology at a local University.



She said that money that gets sent to the Red Cross online is mostly used and taken up by disaster relief efforts. She said there was very little for little smaller community initiatives, and the local initiatives were what she was trying to raise money for.



I told her about that letter I received from the Red Cross a while back that said there aren't many people who care/donate to the Red Cross.



From the perspective of seeing her as an underfunded Red Cross fundraiser, I could see how the letter from the Red Cross was truthful.



But talking to her she seemed to dismiss what the Red Cross said in the letter and basically seemed to have a sort of attitude that the disaster relief people were hoarding all the money or something ---- maybe it just wasn't quite clear what she was trying to say.



It wasn't easy to make a decision to donate to her cause especially as she was looking for a minimum of $20 each month, and neither my credit card nor my chequing account had that much available at that time.


But, after coming home from our trip and seeing what I think I can do, I've decided to start donating $10 each month to the Red Cross.


It's not much, but each little bit helps ---- I'm wary of how much I can really afford to give, especially when Youtube has made it clear it's a very good idea to have savings, and I know it's a good idea to have savings for situations like the one I face now where I'm getting a tooth replaced by an implant. Expensive, but a good idea to have savings for that.



And tomorrow is the day I get my Titanium installed in my mouth. It's scary and exciting.



But seriously, I can see from sales that people might not be able to pay for much of anything, and the news says it's normal for your average Canadian to be in deep debt. And the Red Cross is definitely feeling underfunded.


Personally, I feel a bit underfunded too, because I can't afford my own place to live or a car to drive. But I will donate what I can.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Stopping Projects because of similarities

Back in 2013, I was at my Uncle's wedding in BC with his new wife (he divorced the old one).

On this wedding trip, I had read two books, Animal Farm and another extremely difficult piece of literature ---- and after having read those books I started feeling an urge to write a sort of sequel for The Eagle's Sore.

I wrote about 3,000-4,000 words of this new book on that trip, for a while I was really "in the groove" for my new project.

There were two main things that encouraged me to stop the project and give up:

1) Complete lack of sales from anything I ever tried selling. This was before my OUYA days. My books just weren't being paid for. (and still aren't being paid for on that matter.)

2) The main character or a main character for this new book was a bear.  A bear in the Old West province of the story. I called the species of the bear a "wasteland bear".

Just months later Avril Lavigne released her music video for "Rock n Roll". Even if it wasn't the same as I was imagining, I realized someone might think there were too many similarities between her video and my book, so I gave up.

I'm not entirely sure what inspired her to make her music video that way, except I didn't feel like releasing my book when it had enough comparable-ness to her video.



WELL -- it's happened again. And this time, I'm really not sure how.



Remember that new video game project that I gave up on because nobody cared and nobody donated?


All I had for that project were my ideas, and some or most of these basic ideas I wrote down in a notebook.


Well, there is now a movie on Netflix that uses a similar sort of idea.


There is one word I use in a special way in my idea for a game ---- and just a while later a Netflix movie was released that uses the same word in a similar way, kind of a 25%-50% match in how the word is used compared to my idea.


Of course, this just won't do. Another reason for me to give up.


Is there any reason how this could happen? It's like, a huge coincidence.


Is someone just hacking my computer files --- or is it more likely a telepathy kind of thing where the inspiration hits more than one mind?




I just thought I'd post this post to explain something a little interesting, as well as to explain another reason why I probably won't get started on that idea I had. One aspect of it was just a little too similar to a movie.

Monday, October 9, 2017

Now I'm just concerned - or confused

OK --- so our family screens phone calls a lot of the time --- there's enough garbage on the phone lines out there that we'll often just let it go to voicemail or the answering machine if we don't recognize the number --- this is a good strategy actually, it helps keep us safe.


So ---- those random phone calls from various Calgary and Toronto numbers have stopped --- at least for now.


On the last call from Toronto, the search I did put the phone number in a +1 (xyz)xyz-xyza format and didn't tell me anything.


This morning I did the search on the same phone number in the xyz-xyz-xyza format and got a result.


My Mormon Mother would never approve. And I'm pretty leery about it myself too.


So::: why would a photographer call me?  And then why would an adult film/photo actress call me? I have no idea. Weird how that happened.

I'm definitely keeping my phone on "Do Not Disturb".


Just interesting that this would happen during the same period of time that I get followed on twitter by a couple female musicians. Huh.




Anyway ---- what urged me to write this post was this::::


A year or two ago I got a phone call from someone who wanted to talk to me about the Markets - he said he was from a financial company of some kind, but didn't specify which one --- I wasn't interested.


Some months ago I got a phone call from a store or shop in Balzac -- which I screened, but I thought that was pretty strange.


Well, just a little while ago our home phone got a call from..... well, the phone number was listed on an investment website for an oil exploration company. And there were other similar companies which historically also used the same phone number.



Now, THIS is just getting weird.



If I did make my "mint" from selling my projects, I am definitely living well below my means because I'm not totally sure what's going on.



I don't understand why it's important to talk to me about markets or have oil exploration companies phone when my investment account has never really exceeded 10k or even 9k in value and I'm not really a big player.


Right now, my investment account has less than $600CAD worth in it. My savings account is for a future dental payment.


I don't have a lot to go around, especially for investment. I may be rich because I'm not in a tonne of debt, but I'm pretty low on the "richness scale" anyway.


It doesn't make sense to me that my level of wealth would be a big deal to an investment company UNLESS I somehow made a lot of money, which I haven't really been told about, or whatever.



I realize there's a possibility I may have made a lot of money, but if anything that money is being hidden from me - I don't have control. maybe because me and/or my brother are considered disabled.

It's just a big mystery to me.



A least I was able to stop feeling nervous and calm down.


Now I just wonder.



UPDATE::::::


About when I wrote the above post, or shortly after I wrote the above post --- I received another phone call from Toronto.

Of course, "Do Not Disturb" kept me from having to deal with it -----

so I did what research I could ----

Nothing on Google.

I did another kind of search, and got "a name".

I searched the name: There's a movie from 2015 that shares the name.

Then I did a "*name* Toronto" search --- LinkedIn says there are over 100 people in Toronto with that name.

It's not a name I ever hear, so it's unique, as well as from a different culture.

This is just getting weird.


Who knows --- maybe I'm in trouble or something. Or maybe it's a "good" thing.


I can only suspect at this point that it's some kind of entertainment industry thing ---- and I don't know how to accept it.

Can't they just write me an email? In English? Or leave a message on my voicemail?


If something new is coming my way --- it's good to know my Mom will be retiring from her job, because if for who knows what reason I'm about to find something to do ---- it would be great if my transportation revolved around my schedule rather than my Mom's


I still can't even drive a car!!! Yeah, anyway.


So I wonder how good or bad whatever this is could be. Should I open the door?

Like, am I in trouble?

Am I going to be pressured into something I'd rather not?

Or is this going to be an actual good thing?

I'm not sure what to fully expect from these phone calls --- but I also suspect my family may have difficulty with it at this point. Our schedules revolve around my Mom's job right now.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

I'm getting nervous

So, I am still getting either daily or nearly daily phone calls from "random" or various different Calgary or Toronto phone numbers.

Today was a Toronto number.

I do my research - usually, I find no information about who it could be.

My phone is in a consistent state of "DO NOT DISTURB" ---- I feel very nervous or anxious or something about getting unsolicited phone calls.

If you want to say something to me, leave a message, or write an email. Heck ---- you can even text me!!




But yeah, I did get an email today::: for a Ward 7 Candidate's campaign in the civic election. Not relevant to me, but OK --- it was an acceptable form of communication.




Today I got followed on Twitter by yet another musician!!

Very calm music, from Brenda Xu. On Spotify, they say she has had song placements on MTV and Nickelodeon.



And I also talked to my aunt and her husband today.

Turns out my step-cousin, Kristine St.-Pierre, is going to release another album::: In FRENCH.

Her first album, "Call Me Crazy", is in French and English, and I enjoyed it well enough.





And me, seeing this attention I'm getting, I just feel kind of nervous or even fearful about it ---- I've been through so much crap in my life that I'm not sure if getting attention from people is a good thing - especially when they've neglected to pay me for any of my work.



I did a month of one poll on this blog::: and no one could answer the poll apparently. Sheesh.





My life has been so full of trouble ---- I think I am just nervous or scared of having to deal with people on a larger scale.


And here I am ---- just trying to get by on a modest income, paying for hefty but important expenses and I couldn't afford to build another product when I felt like it - not that anyone was going to pay me anyways.



I am so thankful that my life has been as good as it has been, I've had my good moments, which is awesome,


because I fear how bad things could've been, considering all the trouble.



I am even busy to answer the phone. Usually, when the phone rings, I'm already busy with something else. And I have things I do, and my schedule does revolve around someone else's day --- so live with it. And I don't get paid enough.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Feeling too Good

I don't currently have any ebooks on sale anymore:: I took my ebooks offline a while back.

But a couple nights ago I decided to look up on Google if there were any ebooks by me available online.

I found a site that lets you download The Eagle's Sore ---- the page said they had 729 ratings for my book, and the rating was 4.2/5.

Seeing such a good rating, of course, helped me feel good, and I was also feeling pretty good about how famous I had become ----

But, of course, nobody has actually paid me for my book yet.

Two things:

1) If those 729 people had actually paid me for my book, I would be a lot closer to getting started on work on my next project.

2) Feeling so good about my good rating, I started feeling high, especially as I don't get my psychiatric injection for a few days.

What I found about feeling too high is that it's hard to sleep, and it isn't necessarily a good thing to feel that way all the time.

My regular injection flattens me out, I'm sure,

But I needed something to help get rid of that feeling.

So I took some Seroquel I had from a while back ---- it helped me sleep --- but I also noticed it got rid of that super-high feeling. Yay.

I'm going to have to ask my Psychiatrist for some Paliperidone tablets or something for these last few days before injection. I've noticed I start feeling weird as the last injection starts wearing off, as I head to my next injection.



So, for some strange reason, this site that has a copy of my ebook for download said the publisher was in LONDON.

I am so confused by that. I have no recollection of using a London Publisher - ever - and of course, it's just too bad for me that I didn't get paid.


That money could have helped me work on my next project ---- so who knows if I'll even feel like working on my next project when I am able to do so.


<><><><>


When I listened to LDS General Conference, what I heard sounded so good. I felt good, it sounded good, so why would I have room in my mind for the opposition?

I may have felt pretty hypnotized or something to be Mormon again, listening to Conference ---

but this morning I remembered some of my confusion of Doctrine that tells me I'm not likely to go back to church.


Here's what I remembered, what I'm confused about:

1) D&C 64

2) "I'm trying to be like Jesus".


In D&C 64 we learn that the Lord picks and chooses who he forgives and who he punishes --- but for "us" it is required to forgive all men.

The church tells us that Jesus wants us to be like Him, that we are trying to be like Jesus.


This is where my confusion lies:


If I was trying to be like Jesus, that would mean I forgive and punish the same people Jesus forgives and punishes the same way ----

But I am required to forgive all men -----


Therefore I'll never quite be like Jesus.


It's weird::: They tell us we are trying to be like someone who we are never actually allowed to be like. It's the goal they give us which is unattainable.

To be like Jesus, as they say, I should be, I would do the same things he does ---- except according to the actual rules I'm NOT ACTUALLY ALLOWED to actually be like the savior.


So at that point, it all seems very confusing and like a useless waste of time.