Along with the warm fuzzies, I mean, this might seem unbelievable to some ---- but I think I became a little empathic as well.
I can feel when I'm in a good environment, and I can feel when someone is not feeling so good, and well, ------ I like feeling good now, but I can seem to sense when someone is negative.
It's just weird.
Feelings can be bothersome, so typically, I think, men don't like to deal with them ----- but now they are forced into my heart by some kind of psychic stuff (and I'm gonna be wrong because even if some psychiatrists understand about this stuff, history tells me someone won't understand).
Anyway ------ I was brought up in a religious home, and with everything I learned ---- I know that with all the different viewpoints and all the psychological flaws and the different belief systems - that I can't really take a total position on a matter without someone getting upset.
If I'm pro-Mormon, there are various groups who could or would easily get upset with me, even understandably -----
But if I'm anti-Mormon, it looms over me that I could easily then be considered abusive to the women in my family at that point.
I'm not really allowed to take a position for or against with how everyone is not on the same page about all the issues.
There are some good things about the Mormons. There are some bad things about the Mormons.
And another reason, or excuse, to not take a definite position is because Jesus said "blessed are the peacemakers" ------- just to keep the peace I can't totally take a side one way or another.
And I would definitely be wrong no matter what side I chose ---- it's a choice between racism and misogyny at this point.
I'm wrong no matter what.
With how popular my blog has been, and with the numbers I've seen reported about all the downloads and rip-offs ------
I would question "How is it that I don't make any money?"
The obvious answer the news reports to me is that most Canadians are in way too much debt right now.
And no, they couldn't spend any money, not even a dollar of credit card debt, on my book.
But my mind also sees it another way.
I have some suspicion that I'm actually just not allowed to be a financial success.
Basically, jealousy and envy could easily ruin some aspects of my life if I was successful.
My family is quite ill I would believe. With meds we can seem normal ----- but in our natural form, our family is really-really messed up.
My brother is schizophrenic. On meds he is doing OK ----- but I probably shouldn't even try to tell you about how it gets when he's ill.
I'm just saying that my success may affect my brother's mind in such a way that things might become very unreasonable very quickly.
I think I might just be "not allowed" to be successful simply because certain people, most suspected including my own brother, wouldn't be able to handle it very well.
That is what my mind has come to suspect. I basically have to live with some level of economic equalization, or else the guy who didn't become as successful would further lose his mind.
So it doesn't matter how hard I try ---- I will never fully succeed.
So, that combined with how I'm wrong no matter what I do ----- I'm feeling kind of screwed ---- but oh well.
I remembered a few more points to mention:
Even though other people's psychological state about my success might be a reason to keep me away from success ----
There is another rule my parents seem to have where I'm not allowed to blame or have reasons for why things go wrong.
I mean, obviously things happen for reasons, there's always a cause and effect ------ but in my family, there's kind of this "no fault" thing where no one can be blamed for their inability to perform.
So, my parents wouldn't actually let me blame my brother for my lack of success, even if it's an explanation that makes sense.
The truth is, my brother used to be a real bright guy, he was a good student.
And I do pereceive a reason for why things went wrong for him too ---- but again, this reason would not be allowed.
What is my reason that I think it was?
The Secret --- we create our own realities.
Our family just had really bad name-calling problems in my childhood. I can't blame anyone's behaviour,
But if we do create our own realities, then all the bad words and languages we used to describe each other must've caused something to go wrong.
That is a possible reason, but it's not allowed to be explained or discussed --- there is NO FAULT because no one is allowed to take blame or feel guilty about wha they do.
And another thing to add is this:::
My parents realize I've tried really really hard to sell things, and they know I've had success, just not successful in getting paid,
So they do make it up to me ------ rather than making money from doing actual work that might help someone (the work I did do)
My parents just pay me to go for a walk.
I mean, me going for a walk doesn't do a bloody thing to help anyone, but it has gotten that dumb, where they now just pay me to engage in some physical activity, even though it's not actually useful to anyone but myself ----
while my work that is "useful" or "entertaining" to others somehow doesn't get paid.
I just thought I'd add those thoughts.